#IGuessThisIsWhatCrazyREALLYLooksLike

Happy 8th Birthday, UnstapledLisa the blog….

Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor do I have any training in public safety and I will ALWAYS advise if a person is in crisis, is possibly in danger of hurting themselves or others of to contact emergency services and/or get in person evaluation and treatment, immediately.

Trigger Warnings: This blog discusses emotional trauma such as serious and lifelong bullying, rape and suicide to name a few, as well as other controversial topics of how divided and emotionally malignant our society is becoming and if any of that, including profanity, is a potential trigger for anyone, it’s okay to not read. I’d prefer it.

This particular blog is really truthfully for myself, but being published in hopes to help others, but for that to occur it will take patience, kindness and being open minded.



***

I honestly thought I saw all that was potentially considered insanity, personally was what led up to and the 3 years after of what was exactly 13 years ago, my one and only suicide attempt and the actual repercussions and aftermath, is as bad as things could get in a first world country, with someone in my case who had a traditional middle to upper middle class upbringing.

There was NOTHING though normal about my life, I’ve been bullied by peers from preschool to current time.

I was born a food addict who didn’t feel satiated very long.

I was really smart though, shy and kind and then became funny to make up for being what society considered my fatness and my ugliness and awkward actually face, body and curly red hair in my early teens.

I learned how to verbally defend myself in my early 20’s, right around the time it became important, as a year later I had my first child who was my priority.

Almost 20 years ago right after 9/11, thinking I’d never know what it would be like to be thin, pretty and maybe a little powerful, I decided to have a gastric bypass.

I did become thin and pretty, still smart and funny and became powerful in ways that mattered the most when I found fitness in my somewhat early mid 30’s but prior to that, in the first 18 months after my gastric bypass, I moved into a nicer apartment with my son, lost the majority of my weight, had my second child but was already starting to show signs of gastric bypass complications, but I was a single mother of 2 by then, who worked full time, had a nice apartment with my kids and a nice life but even prior my gastric bypass I had an independent productive life that I was somewhat proud of and liked, I had my son, I had my family and what I thought were a few good friends even though life from my early 20’s to mid 30’s while peppered with extraordinary great things to also being peppered a few traumatic events.

The most and least talked about traumas in my 20’s was my son getting physically abused once with his mouth being washed out by soap, by his daycare provider who was my former employer once I went back to working for corporations when he was 2 1/2, which he obviously never went back to that daycare.

A year later I was raped while being fat and was double traumatized because I knew I couldn’t tell anyone because I believed NO ONE would believe me, never thinking in a newer day and age it could ever be mocked.

Then finally find my way in what I thought would be best for my kids and I, as in my early mid 30’s, I have my kids, I have a purpose professionally and personally with fitness but not wanting to be obnoxious about it, but I didn’t know that intense exercise produces some amazing endorphins in some people and I loved it enough to go to school to be a personal trainer, but in cases where weight loss wasn’t an objective even with people who were on the larger side of the spectrum thought some kind of rehabilitative form exercise could help, not knowing that 3 years later, there would be an expiration date on my body’s and mind’s ability to produce endorphins and everything else would be turned upside down.

Everything in the immediate to 17 months post suicide attempt is in my first blog that I launched on here, exactly 8 years ago.

And the title was aptly named of my first blog being “What Crazy Looks Like”.

Cause I was too sick medically and mentally to recognize too much of the outside world in 2008, by then my whole entire life had already collapsed and already felt incredibly over.

It feels like a sick joke when I try to explain sometimes to others, my entire past life whether it be how i was able to show my children how much I loved them, that I could work, drive a car, exercise that it’s been almost a third of my life that I’ve been living with not necessarily catastrophic disability but such cumbersome life limiting ones.

I knew though having to start all over from having nothing, not even the most basic of freedoms at times 13 years ago, as I was nearly institutionalized (again, another long read but that is in my 1st blog) after my suicide attempt to fight that, to then have to fight so hard to stay alive to get my gastric bypass reversed a little 2 years later, I can’t dwell on much.

I knew from the time though I went through my gastric bypass complications being more visible to the public, then just to my children and sometimes immediate family post suicide attempt and not having anyone know what it was like to go through complications that were severe and then go through the reversal process felt unchartered territory that was scary to navigate alone.

That I didn’t want that to be in vain, but more importantly I did NOT want what my children to have been put through what they were to have been in vain, that some good had to come out of it, in hopes it would lead to their healing and possibly others who could relate to my personal experiences.

I could’ve never ever thought that people could become more divided, hateful and violent.

I never ever thought a celebrity of yet to be determined amount of wealth, could run for the office of the presidency of the United States where it was rooted in revenge in motive and win.

I never ever thought a public health crisis could stoke such further divide and hate.

I’m going to though for probably the first and last time as a blogger activist share beliefs I normally don’t, it will at first sound like I’m digressing, but it’s hard to make major points, without quite a bit of context.

I’m pro-choice even though I’d never have nor would I have had an abortion.

I don’t think I’m better, obviously I failed motherhood in a major way, for those who’ve had an abortion for any reason and I’m absolutely horrified at the thought of any female being forced to have a child, in matters of stranger and/or domestic rape assault results in pregnancy, doesn’t have the means to consent or if the mother’s life is in jeopardy.

In my case though view about abortion, in the end my concern is about is mental and physical wellbeing of the mother and the child. I think outlawing abortion would lead in the end to more dead mothers and dead children and dead people, in general.

I’m pro 2nd amendment even though I’ve never owned a gun, let alone I’ve never even touched one.

I’m pro science and pro vax but also believe in people’s right to choose for themselves and keep that private but hope they realize their right to choose can’t be at the risk of someone else life.

About 9,000 words in, I’m about to make my point/s.

I have a lot of free time that I never wanted or asked for.

The world would be a lot better of a place if people could just concentrate on what they have in common versus their differences that make them operate on the offense, constantly.

That’s not something new being said, my take though is how people who have the most differences in beliefs, can behave almost identically at great detriment to others.

I don’t get in this day and age how people can confuse justice and revenge.

I don’t get either recreationally or the constant need, that’s obsessive and addictive in others, with hating other people.

There is a lot of blogs I have that identify in better detail of experiences that shaped my desire to want to help people if I can, some blogs I apologize to those I owe one and just try to do the best I can with my complex disability sets while appreciating my few but amazing and unique skill sets that can help others in crisis.

There’s an urgency I feel though that this feeling that the world is literally a dumpster fire and that people can’t recognize their own figurative blindspots, this isn’t going to get any better, this is only going to get worse for humanity and we really can’t emotionally or physically afford it.

I guess this is what crazy really looks like but unfortunately even more crazier, doesn’t have to be if people realized everyone has a right to a safe and peaceful life and acted accordingly.

Important Notes: Cause this day is more solemn to me than celebratory I’m going to add 2 important points I didn’t need a pandemic to know this. Learn comprehensively emergency first aid and have an advanced health directive that loved ones know what you’d want in a medical crisis and what your wishes ideally after death and learning first aid and writing an advance health directive is easier when you and anyone you love is not in actual crisis.

Also note for the haters of the death threat variety (I have other sucky hater varieties, too) you can’t hurt me with a threat which still will be reported and if somehow someone would actually kill me, it’s kind of the only fucking way I’d ever look like anything resembling a hero and you’ll look like and be a total evil coward loser.

Give the hate a break, that’s like the whole entire point that you’re missing!!!

Important Edit 2 hours after publishing: Others don’t understand why prior to a pandemic that I’ve pushed learning emergency first aid and have an advanced health directive where you state specifically your wishes in a medical crisis or you designate a proxy if you can’t speak on your own behalf.

In my case being certified when I could in first aid was needed professionally at times or personally such as prior to kids being a volunteer and then being a mother.

Given how complex my disability sets are, having an AHD that says in my case for the last 3 years DNR/DNI knowing that I don’t have it in me to fight for my life again is best done when not in a medical crisis and having the uncomfortable sucky conversation that my loved ones know that for example when I die, I’ve donated my body (again, my AHD/advance health directed was written in Spring of 2018 and filed a few months later with body bequeathment that will take care of remain issues and my wish that no one mourns me, (in absence of a will as I don’t have any assets to bequeath) but celebrates the love I have for those I love that makes them being okay and at peace, once I’m gone.

I guess I don’t know how it could hurt to help even if it’s just a loved one, by learning first aid and telling loved ones what you want in the event of a medical crisis or any kind of crisis.

Doing something ONCE but the consequences lasting FOREVER…

(I wrote a poem on the eve of the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt and on the 5th anniversary of a death of a beloved icon. Cause I’m old school in the digital era, I typed the poem on my email vs. meme generators, then took a picture of it with my smartphone, uploaded it to my large android tablet with keyboard, cause I find most apps as well as smartphones to be that YUCKY, but that is how I am, my outlook with others, is you just do you, boo, OK? thanks/you’re welcome)

IMPORTANT Disclaimers: This blog is to achieve more of a personal something vs. activism goal. Given most of my activism is rooted in life and death medical and mental health issues and circumstances, I do take liberties personally when talking about my OWN mental health and medical issues that I wouldn’t with another.

If serious topics sometimes not taken so seriously that are wordy and with some profanity, are a trigger to anyone, please do not read this blog.

And as always, if you or someone you know is a danger to themselves or others, please contact in person emergency services in your area.

Anyhoo, let the whatever (not sure if this will be a somewhat serious blog, fun, mayhem, crazy, super wordy(looks like wordy, as I’m over 200 words in, in just my disclaimer) probably combination of, commence…

***
Sigh…

I guess this has to start somewhere, right?

And if you’re familiar with me, or my writing, ya know I digress.

A lot…

So anyhow I happened to be outside last Friday night (unusual for me, as I’m a recluse who spends 99% of time alone, in my apartment in the last 2 1/2 years) and this lady who happened to be helping my neighbor with something, on her way out, started a conversation with 2 of my neighbors and myself where we were watching construction (neverending, on my side of da Miniapple) at 9pm on a Friday night in front of our building.

Okay, I know she meant well.

She started out the conversation about keeping active and looking good for 52 and while my neighbors gave her a compliment, I didn’t. I didn’t want to explain why and say “you look good for any age” or give any thing away that could explain my former life at first.

When she asked us without verbatim of basically “how do people FUCKING end up in a really poor building in a really rich neighborhood???”, I just basically said I was a disabled non monetized blogger and my neighbors gave some version of their stuff.

I’ve gotten really good or really bad depending on how you look at it, at answering that question in the last 10 years.

If I wanted to keep guessing and on occasion when I get some form of that question, I could just say “x amount of years ago I was a size 2 Certified Personal Trainer” which I did end up saying to her is the reason why I blogged, before returning to my apartment last Friday night.

I don’t answer that way most of the time, even though the looks people give me, are nothing short of amazing, because it doesn’t do the life I had regardless of weight,  prior to 2008, absolutely any justice.

Especially the time of my life, that I was a working full time, proactive loving single mother of 2 children.

Which will always be the best time of my life, starting in 1992 when my only son was born, getting even better when his sister was born 10 1/2 years later and ENDING in August of 2008 when I gave up custody of  both of my children to my parents and tried to commit to suicide due to severe medical issues and mental health ones, 5 days later.

Today is the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt.

Which is in great detail in my very first blog on here, exactly 6 years ago.

Other than NOT dying, the consequences of my suicide attempt were pretty severe.

The same could be said of my gastric bypass and Mirena, my 2nd trial of Fentanyl, my 3rd trial of Topamax at different times after my gastric bypass reversal in 2010.

I’m not even going to mention all my other bizarre near death experiences outside of the realm of my control, prior to my gastric bypass in 2001, in this blog.

I started this blog for a few reasons.

Primarily, as I’ve said before, that what I went through and so unfortunately put those I love through, wasn’t in vain.

That topics that are stigmatized would be less so to help others, either in prevention of suffering or reducing it.

That my children had in my words, how much I love them, when my youngest who has no memory of my being a functional loving present mother and my oldest, who saw me at my best and worst, would have my words, if they ever needed them and I couldn’t articulate them any longer or when I’m no longer around.

But this is the mixed blessing of all of this, as 11 years later, I’m still reduced to only what I can SAY, to help others.

I’m not capable of doing the normal day to day stuff that other people do to SHOW others they love them.

I’ve said before, I don’t have a great life, even though I’m able to do some uncanny great things with these words I have.

I can help someone when they are suicidal because they have bariatric surgical regret and they want a gastric bypass reversal when it’s not medically indicated, on working through why it can’t help them.

I can help someone who NEEDS gastric bypass reversal to save their life, that they have to remain alive, if one of the fears they have is getting fat again after a reversal, for that to be an option.

I can help others who think those of us have bariatric surgery and think for those who advocate for it or against it (again I’m for it, a surgical intervention, like I am for opiates, when all other less invasive treatments have been exhausted) why people feel blessed and cursed, and for those of us who fall in the latter category, remind that bariatric surgery is supposed to enhance one’s life, not ruin it or take it away.

I don’t just stay in one lane when it comes to medical activism with bariatric surgery or with my “one and only” suicide attempt because I am much more than my own medical and mental health issues and so is everyone else and other’s health issues among many, such as cancer, need better treatment options, just like schizophrenia, does.

For someone who had to fight herself to die, 11 years ago and then had to fight so hard to stay alive less than 2 years later, I will be always be sad for what’s been really bad and grateful for what is good.

In my case I’m grateful I didn’t have a chance as not an attractive child to have preconceived notions of what my life would turn out being, I didn’t expect the extraordinary blessings and I couldn’t have in my worst nightmares think about what the bad stuff would look like.

And in the digital era that has served me well, to not want to hurt, be hurt to prepare for the unexpected, even though I will always fear it.

But this is my life and I’m more than the wordy gastric bypass reversed chick who nearly got committed for one and only suicide attempt and leads a small life that is peppered with some amazing things, circumstances and people and I’m committed to if I can’t help someone that I don’t hurt them.

Some people go their entire lives not knowing the damage they are capable of, or that they caused and/or they don’t care and while all humans hurt another, some do on a major scale without remorse.

I’m many things that I don’t particularly love, but am grateful that I’m NOT that.

And I’m not an evil coward. I help when I can and stay to myself otherwise, and that in my circumstances, has to be enough.

Even though it really isn’t.

How could it be???

But it is what it is….

Note: Anything that’s not constructive to me or anyone else, will be published.

 

I hereby declare, from this date going forward…

Disclaimers: There aren’t any. This is a positive personal blog. Won’t be wordy, either.

This is my 200th blog, but that’s not why it’s a big deal, today.

Or at least it’s diminished in today’s date’s significance for me, which I’m okay with.

While, I’ll only share the details briefly, as I’ve discussed the actual circumstances in greater detail, in other blogs, here it goes.

22 years ago, when I was a 26 year old single mother of one young son, I worked for Carlson Marketing Group on an account subcontracted by British Airways, where we managed their Frequent Traveller Programme for the United States, at that time.

June 6th, 1996, I boarded BA296 from Chicago O’Hare to London Heathrow where I was seated in their newly renovated Club World (business class and it was AWESOME).

Less than 45 minutes later, so DID Princess Diana.

Should she not have boarded that flight, today’s date still would be happily significant, especially given where I am both personally and professionally, 22 years later, given my unique life circumstances.

However in 1996, I had a a life that I was happy and proud busy single mother of 1, who I was happy to go home to, so while I shared my Princess Diana story, it wasn’t as significant as it is now.

In 2006, my life was even better, as a single mother of 2 amazing children, a 13 1/2 boy and a 3 year old girl, even though I was sick then, but life had a promise and hope.

I’m not looking for empathy, because I don’t have that anymore, even though as far as being a mother, prior to 2008, that will forever be the best part of my life, if my children don’t believe anything other that I ever said or that I ever did, I truly hope they believe how much I loved them then and how much I will love them, forever.

And that I’ve always done the best I could, even though they deserved better.

So sharing a flight with Princess Diana on BA296, will ALWAYS be a magical experience to me, only 2nd, to being Zachary and Zoe’s mother.

But because I don’t have any other established other milestones other than that, to feel as intensely amazing, like that and I will never again, I’m just going to celebrate BOTH, today.

So on this day going forward, I hereby personally proclaim and will revel in what’s been magical in my life, on this date, going forward and when I really need it.

And even giving myself, a tiny bit of credit, in hopes to help others, that what was awful for us, didn’t happen in vain.

Cheers!!!

Note: Feel free to share what was a (or a few)  magical moments for you on this date or any day or date…

p.s. It again, can’t be a wls, that’s for your own good 😉
p.s.s. It can be though, a memory or major milestone in non weight accomplishments, as a result of wls. You’re welcome.

What are you DOING when NO ONE is looking???

Disclaimers: While this blog is both a combination personal blog, as well as to achieve some activism type of goals, when it comes to medical, mental health and public safety, I will ALWAYS implore people, when in crisis, to seek clinically trained professional help if they are or they suspect someone else is in crisis, immediately and or call 911 (because 1/2 my readers are outside of the U.S./North America, and/or Emergency Services in one’s country of residence). Thanks.

OR, may I ask, with NO expection of an answer to me, what are you actually THINKING, when NO ONE else is looking?

Because it matters.

A LOT.

In my case,  and it will be also a topic for another blog, as far as it applies to social media and my loathing and fear of social media.

In my case, what I do and what I think, is usually done in the privacy of my own home.

My blogs from the last month, whether they talked about people in crisis of all different types, where most of my blogs were concentrated on those who’s thinking and actions, lead to fatalities, in innocent others.

Also a few of my blogs of last month, were in regards to Superbowl 52, which was exactly a month ago, that occured 4 1/2 blocks from where I live.

It feels like both yesterday and 100 years ago, that Superbowl 52, took place, which I didn’t care for, because I was afraid of something bad happening and I don’t like being in the spotlight in any way or any kind of attention, which meant for the 2 weeks around Superbowl Sunday, I became super reclusive, even for me, in the era of smartphone cameras, as well as global networks being in my neighborhood.

As well as the tragic massacre in Parkland, Florida that happened, 10 days later.

Unfortunately, but so gratefully, I’m lucky that if I don’t feel well, I don’t have to do anything.

And when I feel my worst medically and mentally, not only do I have to not  do anything, just try to deal with my medical and emotional pain, I don’t do anything else, even though that my medical and mental emotional pain is only a hindrance to myself, even though I usually respond to various help queries, everyday.

I realize that most people, don’t have the luxury of both time and privacy, that I have.

The last major BEST decision though, I made for myself, is to disengage, as much as possible,  from social media.

Without quitting it completely.

And in my case, I’ve never felt that I’m in competition with ANYONE, which I think social media drives.

But in my case, social media, for how I used it, would be a really bad and sad reminder of my failures compared to my FORMER self, which is the only competition I put on myself and fail miserably,  of how functional and productive I used to be, prior to the last 11-12 years of my life, which is now a quarter of my life, now that I’m 48 years old.

Most people, the few of them that I encounter, are  kind of surprised of what I’ve chosen to do with this little life that I have.

Lots of times, I don’t feel well enough to go anywhere or do much, but possess a strange skill set and a desire to help people in medical and/or mental health crisis (with the urging they have to be under the care of clinically trained professionals, which I’m not) and that I’m kinda good at it, with obvious boundaries for myself and others, for what I’m willing and capable of doing, in the areas I do activism for, and where I help people when they email me for help.

It takes a lot of unnecessary pressure off, when people focus to do things, with an absence of social media, either to NOT  be motivated by it, in attempts to NOT  be an influencer and to NOTto have it as a default distraction.

Even if someone makes a living off of social media, no one needs to make their complete lives on it.

When I tell other clinical professionals who I don’t know, in the medical and/or mental health realm what I do or ask what I can do better when I run across them, in my advocacy, I do find that most of the time, my inability to be influenced by social media and/or let anyone influence me, in any way, that what I don’t do or do and/or what I do say and or don’t say, is driven soley by myself, they find the most challenging thing in dealing with me.

WHY, though???

I’m hardly an admirable person, by any account.

I’m not looking to be, nor am I someone to be looked up to.

But I’m not someone to be feared, either.

I know how my disabilities can be of a negative effect on me and/or when provoked, makes me mean to others, which is all I’m capable of.

I’ve made some AWFUL decisions, which I still can do stupid things on occasion but am honest, but I also I make a lot of good ones, in hoping to do the right thing.

When NO ONE is looking.

I don’t understand though, as I don’t judge others who find that the various social media platforms, DO  have a strong influence on how they conduct their lives.

It just DOES NOT for me.

It can’t.

I came into having medical, mental health and cognitive defects by various complex organic, circumstancial and environmental reasons.

I don’t need and it would be a disaster for me and I do believe it does hinder other’s health and wellbeing, being so emotionally, mentally and cognitively dependent on all the things that go along with having a social media and technology driven society, now a days.

It’s not like we can go back in time and change the technologies outcomes both good and bad.

But it’s not too late, to make more of what’s on social media, that does a greater good for people, that doesn’t effect desired financial outcomes, which not all of it is bad, other than the intentional addiction seeking behavior of some technical products and services.

But these are the following the questions, that people have to ask themselves, given the fact that even people, who have done so much good in their lives, are ending their lives and others lives, both intentionally and maliciously or not,  or they interfere in multiple ways, for others right to the sanctity of life, with peace of mind, in the worst ways possible.

So here it goes:

What are you doing and thinking, that could be hurtful to oneself or others, that might have a foundation in a social media driven society and what can you do, to make it less harmful for yourselves and other people?

Can you ask for genuine help and get it, from clinical medical health and mental professionals, as well as families and/or peers when in distress or crisis?

And if you can’t or choose NOT to get any kind of help, how does that adversely and/or can you positively change the outcome of your own thought processes so it doesn’t lead to negative action on oneself or another, all the time, some of the time and on rare occasions?

Asking and knowing why, it makes the difference of why it matters, of the dependence in thinking of others knowing what you say, do and what you look like when you do them, due to our social media driven society and knowing what’s good about it and what is even unintentionally harmful to self or others, in this day and age.

There is NO ego with this blog.

I’m the first one to admit, I have way more questions than valid helpful answers, in trying to help those in crisis, not hurt themselves or others.

All I’m trying to do with my own disabilities, bad choices and my own flaws and as well as the few strengths that I have, is to help myself and to help others, in things that matter the most, in what I’m able to so little but try to contribute somehow, positively.

No one has to answer the above questions out loud, to me or another, unless someone is a danger to themselves or others, which will require acute professional help.

But the questions asked above are worthy of asking yourself and evaluating, of how, what, where and why, you think of  yourself and others, when they’re not looking, in good ways and bad.

Or the when and why, you’re actually driven to make or want  them to look at what you’re doing and saying and how you look, when you’re doing that.

Note: I’m all for constructive feedback, which can be a difference of opinion, as long as it’s shared respectfully. Thanks!!!

absence of malice…

Disclaimer: Even though this is a personal blog versus a blog doing activism, not knowing the mental state of my readers, and due to the serious nature of what I’m about to discuss, I will always urge those in crisis and/or if someone suspects another that might be in medical/mental health crisis and capable of doing harm to themselves or another, to seek immediate treatment from a clinically trained professional, right away and/or contact 911, immediately.

I didn’t want to write another blog, right now .

I’m NOT okay.

I hate to say and actually resent that I have to say, when saying I’m not okay, that I’m not capable of hurting myself and/or another and/or other’s property.

BUT, I have to say that.

Because, I have diagnosed mental health issues.

And while I feel that we live in a society that people scare me, that I have very little hope, I’m actually TERRIFIED that because I have mental health issues that are diagnosed, that is enough for people not to trust for me, to NOT act in a manner that is harmful to another.

Even though there’s plenty of people who know me well enough to know, that I’m NOT capable of hurting another human being, let alone I’m fully aware of my issues and would never want, nor am I capable of hurting another human being.

But for some reason, I fear that’s not enough. Not because I distrust my own behavior, but because I fear the labeling of my diagnoses.

But truthfully, this isn’t about my diagnoses, medical and/or mental health.

It’s about others, as I’m fully aware of the consequences of my own issues.

I don’t like living a life that’s devoid of hope.

I hate that I live such a small life but that no only is it so small, but that I fear other people.

I can’t stand that the fact I don’t have more hope in other human beings.

Even though that I know that there are truly good people in this world.

But I loathe that we live in a society that whether people lie in wait to kill innocent others, or due to an equally scary but less talked about mental health circumstances, where people are snapping and/or it’s a slow snap, where people are killing stranger and/or beloved famiy members.

I can’t stand the fact that I feel so helpless,  to help innocent others retain their lives,  to pursue their lives, in a society that should value the sanctity of human life, above all else, but that total strangers and/or loved ones could provide the biggest threat to one’s life.

I’m heartbroken, because as little as I have to offer as a parent, and also as an activist, no one will take me seriously, when I try to ring the alarm, that while actual weapons of mass destruction whether it be a gun, bomb or an airplane, to name a few,  with an unstable operator who wants to kill people, that the biggest threat to our safety that I am able to see, is a smartphone and social media, and the addiction of them.

I remember being, I think in 7th grade, I know it was in junior high, when I saw the move “Absence of Malice”. I know while I don’t remember the storyline, per se, it was about the intention of trying to do harm via libel and the consequences of the perception of that.

That movie, I think was released over 36 years ago, but couldn’t be anymore relevant, in today’s times.

And I’m heartbroken, as while I remember that movie’s INTENT, I dont remember the plot, as well as a million other major life events in my OWN life, let alone a movie.

I can’t believe, and it’s bigger than myself and or any of my beliefs, the lack of regard of human life and feelings in another human being, by many others.

Even though there is many decent human beings who care about one another.

That while my life, so small, so abnormal while being not abhorrent, my legacy as it stands right now, is someone who got fat again, before a gastric bypass reversal, when having an epic breakdown.

That’s it. And while I could just dissapear in today’s society, as I loathe social media and I fear it, and I’m on it, so for all intentions, I have “dissapeared” because of my lack of social media presence, that I am still compelled, to be somewhat present, in public, or at least on the internet, as a blogger,and to be honest, for what is the ugliest of my life and of others, that goes beyond that, in hopes to do greater good for other human beings, in ANY manner that I’m capable of doing greater good.

And that of course, is motivated by trying to do the right thing, as an activist, given my spectacular failures as a mother, so that what we went through, wasn’t in vain.

Or that people don’t go through awful struggles and devastating life circumstances, without a support system, like I did.

But that doesn’t get brought up in my personal online life, as much as getting fat or staying heavy after a gastric bypass and a gastric bypass reversal.

And NO matter how much I try to fight that legacy, that we should live in a society, that values the sanctity of human life and the right of individual pursuit of personal growth, happiness and the right to a safe life, that doesn’t mean anything to another, if they wish to cause us emotional and/or physical harm and/or fatality.

The reason why I fear social media so much has both a simple and/or complex answers.

The sort of  simple but still complex answer is, that it encourages impulsive behavior in people, that could be at best, a deterrent to another’s happiness, even if it’s unintentional.

I’m not saying though, I don’t see the good that social media brings.

Whether it be a celebrity who pays off a fan’s mortgage or student’s loan. among many things we’ve seen that where social media has served greater good.

But, the various social media platoforms, simutaneously both encourages the best and worst of humankind.

So while it can be heartening to see both celebrities and others do common good, there’s a lot of bad that goes with it.

Whether it be feeding in one’s instaneous need to hatefully call out others. And to quite a few, social media, dehumanizes other humans, because they are being regarded through a digital lens, that somehow uniquely to predators and/or haters, that they aren’t worthy of common consideration at best, but at worst, they aren’t worthy of being allowed to live their lives with health, safety and peace of mind.

And I don’t think that I’m overreacting, as an activist, when seeing so many cases where in domestic violence situations, where people are not just killing those they love and/or hate.

But regardless, they are horrifically murdering their children, who get caught in the crossfire of a relationship ending badly or for any and all inexplicable reasons, devoid of any ration or ration when it’s needed most.

Or you have children who are tragically killing a parent or a friend, because they can’t react appropriately, to being told NO or something they don’t like. Whether it be  a child and/or teen isn’t allowed to have a party or a child kills another peer in what they feel is an action that shows some kind of rejection, and that leads to rage induced irrovocable behaviors, such as murder/s.

My kind of activism lends to the bottom line of asking “WHY”.

While I can tell a bariatric peep not to blame themselves for example, if they are in some kind of mixed medical/mental health crisis, that their complications are not necesarily their fault and/or of their surgeons and they “why” won’t help them, as far as seeking acute professional attention, so that their lives can be saved, the “why” does play a part.

Of course it does, as far as the “why”, it can not only help from tragedy happening, it can help from history repeating itself, even if the life threatning symptoms are alleviated, it can help from non weight related self sabotaging behaviors from occuring over and over again, that might happen, when someone unnecessarily thinks in the case of an adverse bariatric surgical outcome, that they’re  to blame, for life threatening complications (even when their surgeons aren’t)  when they’re not.

That kind of perspective, such as examining the “why” can help, whether or not a human being is bariatric patient or NOT.

It can help help from a perspective of WHY tragedy happens.

It can help from trying to prevent self sabotaging behaviors, of many kinds, of interfering in one’s ability to find inner peace and a balanced life, regardless of socio-economics and other factors.

The problem is, and it’s not a problem, it’s a CRISIS, that when people hurt, if not kill themelves and/or  another human being, the “why” matters.

The intention of whether or not malice, is present, matters

Whether it be in the case, of my writings of blogs, as of late, whether it be a pastor who drove drunk and killed, I’m assuming, very unintentionally, locally,  that went viral , a 911 operator when driving drunk, last week.

Malice matters, when trying to prevent school or any kind of massacres, whether it be in Parkland, Sandy Hook, Orlando, Las Vegas, San Bernadino or Columbine, to name a few school (and other)  massacres, even though the motives of the person/s commiting the massacres may VARY, and vary widely.

Malice, and/or absence of it, matters greatly, when a mother who has an MSW and should know crisis resources, still kills her baby, her husband and herself, which happened 2 weeks ago.

Or a week later, when a mother kills her husband, her 2 adult children and herself , executing them, by shooting them in the head, when feeling rejection, as it’s been rationalized in the news, right or wrong , when being shunned from her house of worship and/or religious faith.

Talking about why these tragedies occur, as painful and complex as it is, whether or not malice is involved and/or the “why” of them, will NOT  necessarily prevent ALL of them from occuring.

But isn’t it worth a mention, if maliciousness and/or an abscence of it, as well as the “why”, necessary, to at least try and prevent at least  some of them?

I’m not a clinically trained professional. I’d like to know though, where are the clinically trained professionals, to try and say something  and/or help do something, in the hopes of prevention of all these horrific tragedies from happening over and over again, even, though they definitely aren’t to blame, for these tragedies occuring, over and over again.

Because I loathe, as a non clinically trained professional, that I have NO answers or solutions, I’m just trying to be a part of the dialogue, in hopes for prevention of all these tragedies, and while it may be unrealistic to think that all of them can be prevented, we need to at least TRY to prevent some of them.

SO sadly, I have way more questions,  than I do answers.

It would be comforting, to hear from those who have answers (i.e. clinically trained professionals in abnormal/trauma psychology) , or at least an idea,  about the ugliness of human life, that can end human life, if not hamper other’s right to be at least psychologically balanced, happy and healthy, to try and say, what they think is going on here and what, if anything, can be done to prevent all these tragedies that end in loss of human life .

Note: I welcome constructive feedback. I’m kindly asking if someone does NOT have constructive feedback, to not comment. Thanks.

Editorial Note: Clarification, 15 minutes after publishing this blog. I shouldn’t have assumed that nature of the blog, would be clear.

But it’s not something I could’ve said, whether or not people intend to do harm, both fatal and extreme psychological duress, there is sometimes instances where malice is apparent and malice is absent.

But point I’m trying to make, is both intention, whether or not there is an absence of malice, the “why”, matters greatly and is worthy of further discussion, in hopes of prevention of these tragedies.

I shouldn’t have though, assumed that people would construe that, just by the nature of the blog, so while I’m not sorry for what I said, and how many words, it took to say it, I AM sorry, that I wasn’t clearer.

Again, my apologies for not clearly stating above clarification. Thanks….

Another gentle reminder, when to and when NOT to bring up Mental Illness and massacres…

Disclaimers: I’m very sensitive, as well as heartbroken, for the tragic loss of lives that occurred this week, 2 of them I’ve blogged about in the last week,  alone.

I’m NOT a clinically trained medical, mental health, law enforcement or public safety.
I will always implore people, if they or someone they know, is or suspects to be in crisis, is potentially a danger to themselves or others,  to contact 911 and/or seek appropriate  emergency treatment from clinically trained professionals in an appropriate acute facility.

I know there’s a lot of people who DO NOT want to hear this today.

I don’t want to have to say this, today, but it’s important in the conversations that need to be discussed on reducing the horrifying rates that people, innocent children and adults are being killed  in their homes, their schools and their workplaces.

As well as in their places of worship, hospitals and on the street.

In my blog late last week, I blogged about a mother, who when suffering postpartum psychosis, shot her 3 month baby, her husband and then herself, to death.

That St. Louis mother, was a well respected woman in her community. She volunteered with disadvantaged  people in need. She participated in her church and had a Masters in Social Work, where for reasons that may never be known, of why she horrifyingly  killed her baby, husband and herself with a gun she obtained legally, other than postpartum depression was used in an article, but there’s a difference between postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis but neither should be stigmatized.

The other blog, was the one I wrote yesterday was  about a vile young man, who laid in wait, when filled with irrational deadly rage, attempted to execute as many innocent people as possible, in the horrifying high school mass shooting that happened in Parkland, Florida, yesterday .

I’m not trying to add more devastation and sadness, I like most people,  whether they have mental health diagnoses or not, cannot and will not  EVER  understand, how people can hurt another person with any kind of violence, let alone kill someone.

But I do have mental health issues. Mid late in life diagnosed non aggressive/non violent mental health issues (I can be mean at times, with words, when provoked, but on the defense and I don’t engage in every argument that I’m invited to, either).

I’ve been honest since my first blog on here, on how in both medical and mental health  crisis, I did try to get help, when I could see that I was heartbreakingly, humiliating and so unintentionally subjecting my children due to neglect and the price my children, family and I paid, as a result, of getting no where when trying to access safety nets that are supposed to prevent things that happened to my family, from happening.

I talk about it, so what my children, who are doing great while not because of me, but not despite me, either, so that it doesn’t happen to other families who fell through the cracks, like we did, as I love my children more than anything and anyone, and I wish every day for the last decade I could change what happened, but I can’t.

And it has saved other people’s lives by going public with my medical and mental health issues.

I’m NOT saying that to be self serving.

I get that the abnormality of my life, in not having responsibilities like most people my age, is shocking, what led to that is shocking, but I have tried, so  that we didn’t go through all of that in vain, for those who’ve experienced similar medical and mental health crises, falling through the cracks that are in the system, and with no social support.

The danger though that I fear, is when people, who are so shocked and saddened by such a horrifying tragedy that leads to multiple deaths due to shootings, in a home or a school DO NOT take the time to differentiate the difference between those with diagnosed mental heath conditions that would make them NO MORE LIKELY OR AT RISK to commit any kind of acts of violence, let alone depraved, cowardly, hateful and horrific premeditated mass murders or any kind of depraved inhumane acts of violence.

As much inroads that have been made, to try to destigmatize mental illness, it can be lost in the wake of these horrifying tragedies, but not knowing the difference, can also lead to loss of life and loss of freedom, in people who could and would NEVER ever commit any kind of crime, let alone an act  of violence.

I’m 48 years old. I’ve never seen a gun up close nor touched one. I would never own one. I believe strongly in gun reform initiatives, NOW.

I just believe that an honest and open dialogue about de-stigmatizing mental health, while it wouldn’t have made much of a difference as it applied to someone who heinously planned to execute as many people as possible, with an assault rifle, like in the massacre that happened yesterday,  he should’ve NEVER been cleared to get, regardless of backround checks which no civilian needs an assault rifle or other similar firearms in that category , nor was that thought of when our forefathers over  240 years ago, gave the people,  a constitutional right to bear arms.

But it is possible,  that a non judgemental open extensive and inclusive dialogue about mental health, could’ve made a difference, in the mother with postpartum psychosis who cared enough about people at one time, to do the good she did, but she and her family paid the ultimate price in the stigma that surrounds mental health, especially as it applies to mothers, with mental health issues, whether they know they have them or not.

We won’t know, but I don’t think we’ve tried to remove that kind of stigma, hard enough, openly and honestly, in hopes of those in need being able to get help or for others to recognize warning signs to possibly help prevent those kind of tragedies.

I’ve done the best I can, not ever knowing the grief that too many people have now had to bear due to senseless gun violence. It’s something that more people will die, just as senselessly, if action isn’t taken, immediately.

Gun reform, has to happen, NOW.

But it’s disheartening to see, because of the grief and terror these tragedies can cause that we don’t lose sight, that other weapons or items that are utilized other than guns, can be cause of mass casualties in civilians, if we don’t have the important dialogue about mental health and appropriate initiatives in place to monitor, evaluate, treat and prevent if possible, from mass casualties happening, in those who are diagnosed and those who are NOT, without honest open dialogue on mental health and mental illness in respect to guns and gun control, but with any kind of weapon or means that can cause mass fatalities by someone who’s mentally ill AND violent, or those who snap, and has no respect for the sanctity of human life.

At a minimum, BOTH, if not MORE  initiatives have to happen NOW.

This doesn’t have to be an either or situation. You can rightfully and respectfully demand gun control initiatives NOW, but also demand the conversations and initiatives that need to be in place, to monitor, evaluate, treat/rehabilitate and/or prevent these horrific mass casualties from happening over and over again, regardless of weapon of choice.

As well as initiatives that comprehensively support the loved ones who are lost or injured when tragedies like this take place.

Note: I am open to constructive dialogue. I purposely stay away most of the time, from social media, for many reasons, which doesn’t make me any better or any worse than anyone else.

Point I’m trying to make, requiring and/or a respectful dialogue and demand of action, is constructive.

The epic fights that tend to happen almost over everything, but especially in a topic of this importance, doesn’t help anyone. You can maintain a stance of agreeing to respectfully disagree and or show apathy, if you don’t agree with someone’s point of view (that’s rational)  and or just not engage with those of not of like minded as oneself.

Trying to fight horrific violence with vitriolic verbiage in sound bites on multiple social media platforms,  may not lead to violence, but it hampers from people uniting as quickly as we need to be,  to get what needs to be done to prevent these horrific tragedies, even though they aren’t to blame for them, OK?

Just please try to remember the commonality of purpose, which is to save lives, could be done more expediently, without the squabbling if not hateful rhetoric on multiple sides that occurs both on and off social media and due to politics.

And this may not mean much, but as a disabled activist, because I cannot blog about this topic anymore, where it would be constructive, I can get away in some cases with saying things that other people can’t, without consequence.

So for those of you, who while may believe in due process, I’m still glad prematurely, that Florida has the death penalty.

It just makes me sad, that should the killer who I don’t want to name or talk about, after today, should he get that, will possibly die more humanely, than the innocent people he slaughtered, horrifically physically and emotionally harmed yesterday and that makes me a tiny bit sad, and slightly hypocritical, as it applies to his evil waste of life,but I can live with myself, in the respect of my  NOT  having ANY empathy for mass murderers, rapists and pedophiles. I have a lot a of empathy for lots of populations of people, just not those people, but I think their histories bear importance, if there’s any chance in them not being repeated, but only to an extent where it serves the greater good of people.

Please keep comments if you should have any, constructive. Thanks…

And one last thing, I know this was really wordy, but this isn’t something that can be discussed in a sound bite. I happened to not catch others making similar observations like I have, that could help, if you know of those who have, but done so, more concisely, please let me know. Thanks.

Peace….

A gentle but not subtle reminder, in regards of massacres with guns and the mentally ill…

I’m not looking for pity, with what I’m about to say.

I like most people, who was horrified, in regards to the tragic massacre in Las Vegas and felt compelled to act in someway, however small.

After my last blog, I decided to decompress, by watching You Tube.

And I’m honestly not trying to say anything mean, towards Jimmy Kimmel, who I adore for many reasons.

I don’t believe like most people, that any citizen should have ANY access to an automatic weapon. I agreed with almost everything Jimmy Kimmel said in his 10-2-2017 monologue, that I just finished watching, but he was not as careful as he should have been, in trying to make a point about gun control laws and the mentally ill.

And I’m not calling him specifically out, given again, I don’t believe he meant to hurt anyone, only to help. And he’s not the only one. But he is the only one I’ve paid more attention to, than others.

The only reason why I feel compelled, in hopes of trying to bring attention and awareness for mass murders/and/or suicides, over and over again, because of the sanctity and highest regard of human life, that I have.

The only true lack of disregard for anyone’s life, that I have EVER had, is my own.

I wear a hairshirt, for free, on the internet, because my mental health issues, while only potentially fatal to me, did have consequences on the ones I love the most. Which I’ve repeated over and over again, in hopes to help other people.

Not to mention of what I’ve tried to do, with my loved ones who were effected, of them knowing that I never meant to cause them sadness and I never meant to be negligable in any way, to my children who I love the most.

But, PLEASE, I am begging of people, do NOT taint people who have mental illness with someone who had no record but spent the last minutes of his life as a mentally deranged domestic terrorist, killing 59 innocent people and wounding over 500 innocent people.

Most mentally ill people are likely to be a target of a violent crime, than to perpetuate one.

It becomes dangerous, to innocent people, when people don’t choose their words as carefully as they should. I can understand and not be angry when hosts like Jimmy Kimmel make impassioned pleas, in hopes to save people’s lives.

I’m trying as a disabled activist that, too. Save lives, that is. And I have, which I hate to keep repeating, as it’s not meant to be self-serving.

But when people have a large audience and a lot of influence, if they aren’t super careful in how they choose their words, it can cause irrerprable damage to an innocent majority of people, who would never cause harm in another.

Even though it’s not meant, intentionally.

I’ve said it before, and I’ve said it VERY CAREFULLY. Anyone who is capable of causing violent if not fatal harm, to one person, let alone commit a massacre, IS mentally ill.

But it can’t be said enough, I guess, that it must be differentiated that MANY people who live and/or suffer from mental illness, do NOT pose a safety threat to anyone and even accidently promoting that kind of stigma, could cause terrible harm if not be fatal, to someone, just because they have diagnosed mental illness, that doesn’t pose a safety threat to anyone.

Both actions and words, are of the utmost importance when trying to combat violent crime. Please choose with great care, both actions and words.

They both matter, more than hopefully, you’ll ever have to know, if this has not effected someone.

Thank you.

IF a picture is worth a thousand words…

Then lucky for you, my dear reader…….

This blog should then be 2,000 words less than what I’m kinda known for.

Anyhoo, my boyfriend and I were at Target yesterday and when walking near the Halloween section, I saw the most awesome thing ever, that can kind of convey of how I feel most of the time, without like using all these words…..

Anyone who knows me really well, knows I HATE Halloween (you’ll havta read my blog on the “candy bandit” for more deets on that).

However I often use other people’s responses to me whether it be just normal folks or medical and mental health providers, about the look when I tell them the more unusual aspects of my life,  as “Imagine you were looking at a unicorn on CRACK!!!”..

HOWEVER, for someone who’s had some really “unusual” aspects in their life and HATES Halloween, I usually like having both devil horns and a halo, as an accessory at times.

I also find that I get less pestered in this big diverse city of mine, when I’m wearing devil horns on any day other than Halloween, I don’t get asked for money, smokes, drugs and/or  sex.

It’s also a good representation of what people get with me.

Treat me respectfully and I’ll do so in kind, but if you treat you me like crap, then I can sometimes respond (verbally) like a demon from hell, as exhibited in pic below.

I actually did buy the “devil horns” that I’m featured wearing above, yesterday. And way to go, Target, as they were cool and fairly inexpensive, given the fact that “My Target” is their flagship store, right next to global corporate headquarters, and in addition to their costs being higher not related to just operating costs, because they lack competition.

EVEN after a 10 million dollar renovation, which included  a major grocery expansion, they still manage to run out of the 3 out of 6 things, I regularly wanna buy, but in the meantime I have about EIGHTY options for organic milk (ain’t an organic or milk peep) that drives me nuts.

But I digress…. Point I’m trying to make, is while I’m unusual, as well as my circumstances, I’m not the most unusual person on the planet.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to either treat people with kindness or apathy, which is HOW I choose to operate, unless I’m really being put on the defense (as exhibited in many blogs on here), which is exhausting.

Especially for someone who avoids social media and people in general but cares about human beings well being, with good intentions.

Anyways, wish me luck this Halloween season. While I was grateful to have a photo option to finally explain how I feel that I’m perceived, Halloween in general, especially in Minneapolis, is widely celebrated for many weekends leading up to it.

Fun Fact: The unicorn  costumed peeps will equally scare the HELL out of me, like the Zombies costumed peeps, will!!!!

New Year’s Resolutions: Do you make them? Why or why not?

 

I haven’t made a New Year’s Resolution since I had my Gastric Bypass in December of 2001. I still made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, because I honestly believed that my surgery wouldn’t work. And even though it did, both short term (even though the 1st 30 lbs that I lost, the 1st month I had surgery was NOT noticeable, by the 2nd month, it was noticeable) and I went on to lose more weight, exceeding weight loss and fitness goals I never thought I’d achieve, let alone thought were possible, as well as complications and major regain issues, which are in other blogs of mine, in greater detail.

This again, is NOT an “anti-wls” blog.

I normally though don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions and I haven’t made them since  New Year’s Eve of 2001. Doesn’t mean that  I don’t have life goals, because I do. Even now that I’m more complex disabled than I ever dreamed and am not living the live I set out to, in 2002, when my life was better than I could’ve dreamed possible as well as becoming a horrific disaster that I could’ve never imagined.

If the picture above has any relevance to me, it’s that some of them have been recent life goals for me. I did lose 50 lbs in the last 14 months. I did make fitness goals that I exceeded. Which was to walk 15 miles in one day. I actually was achieving another goal, which was to travel out of state, and I did that when I went to Las Vegas in  late September/early October of 2015. And I exceeded that walking goal, on Halloween of 2015, when I got over 16 miles of walking in, in one day.

Part of the reason why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, is that they don’t usually work for me. And when I fail at them, it makes me feel worse, which usually leads to other  self destructive behavior and self esteem problems, that have a tendency to make life worse for me, not better.

I’m not saying they can or cannot work for others, I’m just talking about myself. That I have to make an effort to improve my life, when my life dictates it’s needed. Not by a calendar or holiday that the only significance it should have, is that any new day, we can start over or make changes that will improve our own lives and/or the lives of others.

Because when it comes to issues regarding self improvement, the only person I really feel the need to be accountable to, is to myself. But because that doesn’t always work in areas of my life, that I’m working on, I am doing better of asking support when I need it, with like minded individuals, such as in matters of weight and fitness, but I’m also continuing to strive for balance, so I can’t get too caught up on weight /eating issues (and another specific blog to that, will be written shortly about that).

I do have new goals for 2016. Some of them are not likely to happen, such as going further west than Las Vegas this year, such as wanting to go to California, ideally Los Angeles or San Diego, which I had wanted to, last year, but couldn’t afford it as I’d like to see the Pacific Ocean, as well as feel it, before I die or become more disabled.

I’d like to get 20 miles of walking in one day, in this upcoming new year. I’m planning on evaluating why this former Certified Personal Trainer, who still does have weight loss goals and fitness goals and knows the importance of strength training, of why I’m not doing that already, as I know it would help. And I know it’s a form of self sabotage, as I still do that with food (again, will be discussing that more in my next blog).

I’m most certainly as a Size/Fat Acceptance advocate and activist, NOT trying to trigger those who have issues with our societies’s obsession with weight and fitness. But I have to be true to myself, both personally and as well as the fact, some people do find it helpful to know that people can lose weight after major regain issues, whether or not they have had bariatric surgery. That’s why with some reluctance, I’m going to post a “before and current” picture collage of myself.

(pic furthest to the left, 9/2001, 2nd to the left 7-2005, 2nd to the right, 10/2009, furthest to the right, 12-2-2015, on my 46th birthday and 3 days before the 14th “anniversary” of my gastric bypass which was 12-5-2001)

I’m still working on being a better activist. And I’m hoping to achieving other areas I’d like to do activism and advocacy for. I’m still evaluating of whether or not I’d like to  purchase the internet domain for both “unstapledlisa” and my business I’d like to re-purpose for “Not Your Typical Old Maid”, which was the name of my business that I was going to launch when I was going to start my business in 2005, as a Certified Personal Trainer, Bariatric Coach (both weight loss surgery and non weight loss surgery specific and with the intention of doing this both locally and nationally). as well as I was going to sub-specialize in adaptive and rehabilitative personal training, even for those who didn’t have weight loss of any kind as a goal.

But I had felt about fitness,  at that time, as well as currently, that it could help people be in better physical and mental health, that wasn’t all weight or eating related. Even though this was before I was diagnosed with my mental health issues, I  had already realized that what people’s “best health” could look like varies drastically between us, for many complex reasons.

I’m still working on but do fairly well, for someone who does have Bipolar 2, of finding middle ground in how I live my life, with balance. As sometimes Bipolar for me, and I’m not mocking it, in any way, is not just a mood disorder and a personality disorder, but a lifestyle, but I’m really good at not habitually abusing myself with any thing, substance or person, and I’m trying to work on, which will always be a work in progress.

I’m trying all of this, of course, for many reasons. On top of the list, is to be a better example for my almost 13 year old daughter. As I get more disabled, the likelihood of my having the relationship I’d ideally want, full time, with my daughter, becomes less likely, as I get more disabled. But it’s still important that I still continue to try as hard as I can, that I show more than in just words, but in actions, of doing things to make my daughter and  my adult son have something to be proud of me for, as well as the rest of my family.

But I also realize the importance of having a need of all this self improvement and self esteem work and growth, be for myself. In my case, I never thought of myself, as other bariatric patients (or anyone who’s overcame something that was a major life struggle, whether it be weight related or not), who think of themselves as a “new and improved” or different person.

I’m not saying that can’t work for a lot of others. It just doesn’t work for me. It’s in my best interest, to look at myself as the “same girl” with different circumstances and a different way of coping with them, but trying to act more in being the best I can, with the complex disabilities that I have.

In addition to working on my relationship with my self, I do also want to work on my relationships with others. Whether or not it’s constructive to add new friendships/relationships and evaluating and coming to a resolution of what relationships are not in my best interest, going forward.

And finally,  continuing on trying to make my peace with my past, and celebrate who and what was the best things to happen to my life, as well as not dwell on what was the worst parts of my life.

Here are my questions for discussion for my dear readers, if they choose to participate (I do ask because I am a Size/Fat Acceptance and soon to be more of a Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disordered blogger and activist) you frame your answers being specific to what’s best for you in your life. I will allow for my bariatric peeps, as some of them do believe in the work they do to combat Obesity, some leeway, but please realize your answers could be possibly be triggering to another reader of mine, so please try to be respectful of that. Also you can be as specific and as vague as you like if that would be in your best interest.

1. Do you make New Year’s Resolutions or life goals at any time of the year? Why or why not? What kind have you made and have you kept them? What was the most significant life changing New Years or life goal resolution you ever made?

2. If you make New Year’s Resolutions and/or life goals, does it help you to be specific and have a time table? Or does it work better for you if you don’t do that?

3. For those who are working on losing weight, do you find it helpful to do that with a support of a like minded on and/or off community. Do you find that it’s more helpful or hurtful to have losing weight as a single minded focus, or do you find it’s easier and or better for you, to do that as one component in improving one’s life, physically, mentally and emotionally?

4. For those who are triggered by our global obsession with fat, food and fitness, what do you do both around the new year and well every day, to get you less triggered by all the talk about the importance of weight loss, food intake and fitness. Or the fact that people generally consider those of larger size, unhealthy, how do you avoid getting hurt by that, personally? What would you like to say if you had a captive audience, of how hurtful that can be to another?

5. As far as the picture featured on top of the blog, are there any of them that you are working on? If some of them are something you’ve already achieved, how did you do that. What are you struggling with, the most? And do you realize those are only suggestions of areas that people can find happiness with making resolutions. That one is more likely to achieve a goal, when they do so because they want to feel better about themselves, not because they feel terrible about themselves.

If you can’t discuss either what I’ve said or the questions above, in a forum, like this, it still may help to ask yourself these questions and answer them, privately. Either internally or with people that you trust.

I’m wishing you all, a happy, healthy and wonderful new year. For those who are struggling, know that you aren’t alone and help is there, if you need it. While I ideally recommend professional medical and mental health help, please feel free to reach out to me, either on my blog publicly, privately or via email.

I cannot though stress though, that I, nor anyone on the internet, can help as much as a clinically trained medical and/or mental health provider who evaluates and treats you, in person.  I also have to stress, sometimes it takes trying more than one provider, to find the right help for you.

Note: Any comment that could possibly triggering to another, will NOT be published….

 

My 45th Year, in Review…..

 

As I spend the last day of my being 45, I’m kind of in a pensive mood, not just what’s been good and bad about this year, in particular, but in my life in general.

My 45th year while NOT perfect, as I am getting physically sicker and my pain levels are getting higher (I have persistent severe chronic pain, both localized and widespread)  and my memory is getting worse, was probably the best year I’ve had, in the last 10 years (as far as not fainting , projectile vomiting, falling everyday etc, I still get stuck as far as a really bad health day but when I still was with my children, of whether or not to qualify life being better, now).

And for that I’m grateful, as it’s nothing short of multiple miracles, that I’m still alive.

While I never thought 10 years ago, the little I’ve accomplished, would be such a big deal, I remember what my life was like 6 years ago, and what I was ruminating about on the eve of my 40th birthday, where I still was so sick physically, still in the system and had NO hope and NO happiness. And very little freedom.

As I’ve said before, I didn’t need the learning lessons from 2007 to 2010 to be grateful for what and who I love the most. But it did increase my gratitude for the most basic things, so what I went through wasn’t totally in vain.

I don’t look at myself being in competition with anyone. I’ve finally had to let go of just being in competition with my former self, as I did kick some major ass in multiple ways in my past, and while I’m sad that the best years of my life are over, especially as it applies being a Mother, that I still am trying to live a meaningful life, as much as I’m capable of.

I proved to myself that I’m capable of more than I give myself credit, this year. I exceeded fitness goals that I had set earlier this year. I went to Las Vegas, by myself 2 months ago, and was able to be a little proud of myself, for being able to get around, only being able to count on myself. I realized I deserve good things sometimes, not because I need the distraction, but because I’m not the horrible person so many people have indoctrinated in me, in the past, from the time I was very young.

I wrote more blogs in my 45th year . I also though,  for self preservation took more time off of social media, which is a good thing (I’ll elaborate more about that in an upcoming blog) as while I love the positives of what social media brings to my life, the negatives can be a trigger to depression and anxiety for me, something I’m already prone to having, a lot of, it just can make it even worse.

As I’ve said before, there will always be a a part of me, that has to be rooted in the past, to have the best shot of retain memories (especially my life as a Mother of 2 amazing children) that can’t be explained of why I’m still having problems that are getting worse, with long and short term memory retention,when I’m over 5 years status post gastric bypass reversal.

My complex medical, mental and cognitive disabilities are unfortunately going to ensure that I take a few steps forward and then a few steps, back. And I’m NEVER going to be an eternal optimist, as I’m just not made that way.

But I am trying as hard as I can, to do the best I can, for as long as I’m capable.

Happy 46th birthday eve, ME……

Note: My last blog was written while I was in the middle of writing this one. It could be construed I’m double speaking but I’m really NOT. I can be grateful for my life being better than it was 7-8 years ago, without wanting to live another 60 years.

Above selfie taken on 10-1-2015 @ Stratosphere Hotel and Casino