It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘blogging with disabilities’ Category

New Year’s Resolutions: Do you make them? Why or why not?

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I haven’t made a New Year’s Resolution since I had my Gastric Bypass in December of 2001. I still made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, because I honestly believed that my surgery wouldn’t work. And even though it did, both short term (even though the 1st 30 lbs that I lost, the 1st month I had surgery was NOT noticeable, by the 2nd month, it was noticeable) and I went on to lose more weight, exceeding weight loss and fitness goals I never thought I’d achieve, let alone thought were possible, as well as complications and major regain issues, which are in other blogs of mine, in greater detail.

This again, is NOT an “anti-wls” blog.

I normally though don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions and I haven’t made them since  New Year’s Eve of 2001. Doesn’t mean that  I don’t have life goals, because I do. Even now that I’m more complex disabled than I ever dreamed and am not living the live I set out to, in 2002, when my life was better than I could’ve dreamed possible as well as becoming a horrific disaster that I could’ve never imagined.

If the picture above has any relevance to me, it’s that some of them have been recent life goals for me. I did lose 50 lbs in the last 14 months. I did make fitness goals that I exceeded. Which was to walk 15 miles in one day. I actually was achieving another goal, which was to travel out of state, and I did that when I went to Las Vegas in  late September/early October of 2015. And I exceeded that walking goal, on Halloween of 2015, when I got over 16 miles of walking in, in one day.

Part of the reason why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, is that they don’t usually work for me. And when I fail at them, it makes me feel worse, which usually leads to other  self destructive behavior and self esteem problems, that have a tendency to make life worse for me, not better.

I’m not saying they can or cannot work for others, I’m just talking about myself. That I have to make an effort to improve my life, when my life dictates it’s needed. Not by a calendar or holiday that the only significance it should have, is that any new day, we can start over or make changes that will improve our own lives and/or the lives of others.

Because when it comes to issues regarding self improvement, the only person I really feel the need to be accountable to, is to myself. But because that doesn’t always work in areas of my life, that I’m working on, I am doing better of asking support when I need it, with like minded individuals, such as in matters of weight and fitness, but I’m also continuing to strive for balance, so I can’t get too caught up on weight /eating issues (and another specific blog to that, will be written shortly about that).

I do have new goals for 2016. Some of them are not likely to happen, such as going further west than Las Vegas this year, such as wanting to go to California, ideally Los Angeles or San Diego, which I had wanted to, last year, but couldn’t afford it as I’d like to see the Pacific Ocean, as well as feel it, before I die or become more disabled.

I’d like to get 20 miles of walking in one day, in this upcoming new year. I’m planning on evaluating why this former Certified Personal Trainer, who still does have weight loss goals and fitness goals and knows the importance of strength training, of why I’m not doing that already, as I know it would help. And I know it’s a form of self sabotage, as I still do that with food (again, will be discussing that more in my next blog).

I’m most certainly as a Size/Fat Acceptance advocate and activist, NOT trying to trigger those who have issues with our societies’s obsession with weight and fitness. But I have to be true to myself, both personally and as well as the fact, some people do find it helpful to know that people can lose weight after major regain issues, whether or not they have had bariatric surgery. That’s why with some reluctance, I’m going to post a “before and current” picture collage of myself.

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pic furthest to the left, 9/2001, 2nd to the left 7-2005, 2nd to the right, 10/2009, furthest to the right, 12-2-2015, on my 46th birthday and 3 days before the 14th “anniversary” of my gastric bypass which was 12-5-2001)

I’m still working on being a better activist. And I’m hoping to achieving other areas I’d like to do activism and advocacy for. I’m still evaluating of whether or not I’d like to  purchase the internet domain for both “unstapledlisa” and my business I’d like to re-purpose for “Not Your Typical Old Maid”, which was the name of my business that I was going to launch when I was going to start my business in 2005, as a Certified Personal Trainer, Bariatric Coach (both weight loss surgery and non weight loss surgery specific and with the intention of doing this both locally and nationally). as well as I was going to sub-specialize in adaptive and rehabilitative personal training, even for those who didn’t have weight loss of any kind as a goal.

But I had felt about fitness,  at that time, as well as currently, that it could help people be in better physical and mental health, that wasn’t all weight or eating related. Even though this was before I was diagnosed with my mental health issues, I  had already realized that what people’s “best health” could look like varies drastically between us, for many complex reasons.

I’m still working on but do fairly well, for someone who does have Bipolar 2, of finding middle ground in how I live my life, with balance. As sometimes Bipolar for me, and I’m not mocking it, in any way, is not just a mood disorder and a personality disorder, but a lifestyle, but I’m really good at not habitually abusing myself with any thing, substance or person, and I’m trying to work on, which will always be a work in progress.

I’m trying all of this, of course, for many reasons. On top of the list, is to be a better example for my almost 13 year old daughter. As I get more disabled, the likelihood of my having the relationship I’d ideally want, full time, with my daughter, becomes less likely, as I get more disabled. But it’s still important that I still continue to try as hard as I can, that I show more than in just words, but in actions, of doing things to make my daughter and  my adult son have something to be proud of me for, as well as the rest of my family.

But I also realize the importance of having a need of all this self improvement and self esteem work and growth, be for myself. In my case, I never thought of myself, as other bariatric patients (or anyone who’s overcame something that was a major life struggle, whether it be weight related or not), who think of themselves as a “new and improved” or different person.

I’m not saying that can’t work for a lot of others. It just doesn’t work for me. It’s in my best interest, to look at myself as the “same girl” with different circumstances and a different way of coping with them, but trying to act more in being the best I can, with the complex disabilities that I have.

In addition to working on my relationship with my self, I do also want to work on my relationships with others. Whether or not it’s constructive to add new friendships/relationships and evaluating and coming to a resolution of what relationships are not in my best interest, going forward.

And finally,  continuing on trying to make my peace with my past, and celebrate who and what was the best things to happen to my life, as well as not dwell on what was the worst parts of my life.

Here are my questions for discussion for my dear readers, if they choose to participate (I do ask because I am a Size/Fat Acceptance and soon to be more of a Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disordered blogger and activist) you frame your answers being specific to what’s best for you in your life. I will allow for my bariatric peeps, as some of them do believe in the work they do to combat Obesity, some leeway, but please realize your answers could be possibly be triggering to another reader of mine, so please try to be respectful of that. Also you can be as specific and as vague as you like if that would be in your best interest.

1. Do you make New Year’s Resolutions or life goals at any time of the year? Why or why not? What kind have you made and have you kept them? What was the most significant life changing New Years or life goal resolution you ever made?

2. If you make New Year’s Resolutions and/or life goals, does it help you to be specific and have a time table? Or does it work better for you if you don’t do that?

3. For those who are working on losing weight, do you find it helpful to do that with a support of a like minded on and/or off community. Do you find that it’s more helpful or hurtful to have losing weight as a single minded focus, or do you find it’s easier and or better for you, to do that as one component in improving one’s life, physically, mentally and emotionally?

4. For those who are triggered by our global obsession with fat, food and fitness, what do you do both around the new year and well every day, to get you less triggered by all the talk about the importance of weight loss, food intake and fitness. Or the fact that people generally consider those of larger size, unhealthy, how do you avoid getting hurt by that, personally? What would you like to say if you had a captive audience, of how hurtful that can be to another?

5. As far as the picture featured on top of the blog, are there any of them that you are working on? If some of them are something you’ve already achieved, how did you do that. What are you struggling with, the most? And do you realize those are only suggestions of areas that people can find happiness with making resolutions. That one is more likely to achieve a goal, when they do so because they want to feel better about themselves, not because they feel terrible about themselves.

If you can’t discuss either what I’ve said or the questions above, in a forum, like this, it still may help to ask yourself these questions and answer them, privately. Either internally or with people that you trust.

I’m wishing you all, a happy, healthy and wonderful new year. For those who are struggling, know that you aren’t alone and help is there, if you need it. While I ideally recommend professional medical and mental health help, please feel free to reach out to me, either on my blog publicly, privately or via email.

I cannot though stress though, that I, nor anyone on the internet, can help as much as a clinically trained medical and/or mental health provider who evaluates and treats you, in person.  I also have to stress, sometimes it takes trying more than one provider, to find the right help for you.

Note: Any comment that could possibly triggering to another, will NOT be published….

 

My 45th Year, in Review…..

 

As I spend the last day of my being 45, I’m kind of in a pensive mood, not just what’s been good and bad about this year, in particular, but in my life in general.

My 45th year while NOT perfect, as I am getting physically sicker and my pain levels are getting higher (I have persistent severe chronic pain, both localized and widespread)  and my memory is getting worse, was probably the best year I’ve had, in the last 10 years (as far as not fainting , projectile vomiting, falling everyday etc, I still get stuck as far as a really bad health day but when I still was with my children, of whether or not to qualify life being better, now).

And for that I’m grateful, as it’s nothing short of multiple miracles, that I’m still alive.

While I never thought 10 years ago, the little I’ve accomplished, would be such a big deal, I remember what my life was like 6 years ago, and what I was ruminating about on the eve of my 40th birthday, where I still was so sick physically, still in the system and had NO hope and NO happiness. And very little freedom.

As I’ve said before, I didn’t need the learning lessons from 2007 to 2010 to be grateful for what and who I love the most. But it did increase my gratitude for the most basic things, so what I went through wasn’t totally in vain.

I don’t look at myself being in competition with anyone. I’ve finally had to let go of just being in competition with my former self, as I did kick some major ass in multiple ways in my past, and while I’m sad that the best years of my life are over, especially as it applies being a Mother, that I still am trying to live a meaningful life, as much as I’m capable of.

I proved to myself that I’m capable of more than I give myself credit, this year. I exceeded fitness goals that I had set earlier this year. I went to Las Vegas, by myself 2 months ago, and was able to be a little proud of myself, for being able to get around, only being able to count on myself. I realized I deserve good things sometimes, not because I need the distraction, but because I’m not the horrible person so many people have indoctrinated in me, in the past, from the time I was very young.

I wrote more blogs in my 45th year . I also though,  for self preservation took more time off of social media, which is a good thing (I’ll elaborate more about that in an upcoming blog) as while I love the positives of what social media brings to my life, the negatives can be a trigger to depression and anxiety for me, something I’m already prone to having, a lot of, it just can make it even worse.

As I’ve said before, there will always be a a part of me, that has to be rooted in the past, to have the best shot of retain memories (especially my life as a Mother of 2 amazing children) that can’t be explained of why I’m still having problems that are getting worse, with long and short term memory retention,when I’m over 5 years status post gastric bypass reversal.

My complex medical, mental and cognitive disabilities are unfortunately going to ensure that I take a few steps forward and then a few steps, back. And I’m NEVER going to be an eternal optimist, as I’m just not made that way.

But I am trying as hard as I can, to do the best I can, for as long as I’m capable.

Happy 46th birthday eve, ME……

Note: My last blog was written while I was in the middle of writing this one. It could be construed I’m double speaking but I’m really NOT. I can be grateful for my life being better than it was 7-8 years ago, without wanting to live another 60 years.

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Above selfie taken on 10-1-2015 @ Stratosphere Hotel and Casino

You CAN’T handle the/my TRUTH….

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“Yeah I’m gonna take the high road and do what the preacher told me to do, you keep messing up and I’ll keep praying for you”
“Pray for You”-Jaron and The Long Road to Love

Soooooooo. I was chatting with someone local via Facebook, but that I never met, earlier today and the question that I most loathe to be asked, comes up.

That question would be “how are you?”……

While I know both what my blessings and what the bad things in my life are, I’m not one of those people who has severe chronic pain and says I’m “fine” when I’m NOT.

Depending on though who’s asking, will usually dictate how I answer. In this case, this person found me via my blog ,because of weight loss surgery and the nature of my association was more of my listening and that person venting, which was ok, she wasn’t the type of the person who sucked the life out of me, like some people who I have associations with, who think because I’m homebound a lot and disabled that I have all the time in the world for them and their issues, which have much more greater importance than mine.

Now, it’s relevant to this blog, that I reiterate that I live in Minneapolis and the Twin Cities is getting our first big snow of the season……

So, I actually honestly answer that I’m not feeling the best, but I’m grateful that I don’t have to go anywhere today and leave it at that.

Now I’m not the type of person to take screen shots (don’t know how and don’t wanna) of a conversation online. I try not to judge those who will publicly post private exchanges on social media, I wouldn’t like to be on the other side of that, so it’s not something that I’d opt to do.

But this is the reason for this blog. I basically was responded to, when I said I didn’t feel the greatest that I had to hear how “lucky” I was that I’m disabled enough not to have to drive or work anymore. That was almost said verbatim as well as being told “I’m ALMOST jealous of you”.

That’s not the first time I’ve had crap like that spewed on me. I just found it ironic that I got another instant message from a friend who said I should be grateful that “you don’t have to drive in this crap” at the same time (I can no longer drive due to my disabilities). As well as receiving an email this morning, from an ex, who had the stomach flu and “almost” felt sorry for me for how I felt when I was nearly dying for years of multiple g.i. bleeds, multiple times.

I guess what I’m asking and/or venting about, is what’s with all this passive aggressive bullshit??? I know I’m not the only one who has to put up with it, as  social media (i.e in my case, Facebook) gives you insight on what your friends have to put up with, too.

When did having empathy for others become a lost art form? I understand that everyone has their own barriers and their own sad, if not devastating life stories. I have friends who’ve battled cancer and never once complained. I have friends who can’t have children or have had to bury them and they don’t look for pity. EVER.

I just don’t understand people who ask a question/s to another and are hoping for a negative response/outcome, that’s if they care at all, which they usually don’t,  about an answer.

With everything I’ve ever did or said, I’ve never wanted to become the poster child of/for pity. I do complain a lot, but I also show gratitude a lot, which I think for me, is a good balance. I appreciate what’s been amazing in my life and realize I’ve survived some awful things, and while I’m damaged,  I’m not completely shattered. I’m still living MY life, the best I can, with what I was dealt with, which is what most of us, do, even though we have different things that we are dealing with.

I  guess I don’t get people who can constantly talk about saving sloths, trees and the environment, but don’t give a damn about another human being, at least in a meaningful way that’s not self serving.

This is what ended up happening though, in my conversation this morning. As I was a little more blunt than I usually am, because I’m getting REALLY sick of people who use others as an example of what they don’t want to be and couldn’t be clearer about their intentions. As I just told that person straight out, that I was not envious of them, AT ALL (which is true), wished them a safe commute and then went offline.

Which of course, got me unfriended and blocked on Facebook.

I don’t respond (well, at least directly) to those who don’t have my best interest at heart. And for those who do make it clear that I serve a self centered purpose in their lives, they don’t have that much power on how I feel about myself.

And that’s one of the points of this blog. I don’t have to wish people well who don’t have my best interest at heart. You don’t have to, either. While I think any type of physical or psychological revenge is NOT OK, the video posted above, does make me feel better, when people go out of their way to make me feel bad about myself and it might help you, my dear reader, as well.

Dr. Lisa’s prescription for those who are suffering from bullshititis via proxy…

Rx: Listen to “Pray for you” by Jaron and The Long Road to Love, max t.i.d.  Also vent to a caring supportive person or you can vent on this blog.

You’re welcome….

And I’d also love to know when people will ever, learn? If you friend me on Facebook as  a result of my blog, but then block me for some reason on Facebook, make sure ya unfollow me on WordPress, too, OK ?

And for those who care how I’m doing? Physical pain levels are actually kinda high and I can barely walk or stand and it hurts to even write. But when I think about how sick I still was 5 years ago, can’t complain too much.

Feel free to let me know how you are doing, when you get a chance whether things are going great to horrible….

Because, I do actually care…..

And for my haters: ” Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car, in your house or in your car, wherever you are, honey, I pray for you, I pray for you”-Jaron and The Long Road to Love and I. 😉

Cause if it didn’t happen during the social media era, it didn’t happen, RIGHT?

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http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/video-paris-landmarks-hyperlapse?xid=soc_socialflow_facebook_tl

The above link, just showed up on my newsfeed on Facebook. And wow, Paris has sure changed in the last 19 years, since I’ve been there.

I’ve been kinda quiet on social media, since I’ve come home from Las Vegas, other than my blogs I wrote, last week.

And it was 2 weeks ago, that I left for Las Vegas. And while I put a lot of my trip in check-in, pictures and comments on Facebook, for many reasons, one primary reason, stands out, to most who know me well.

So, that I actually remember my own trip to Las Vegas.

And how my adventures there, made me feel.

Having strange long term and short term memory issues, and knowing that I have that, is a very mixed blessing.

While most people give me credit for adventures that I’m willing to go on, as well as share,  being a complex medically, mentally and cognitively disabled chick, they also know I spend an enormous amount of time, at home, alone.

Most of my time spent, is trying to keep the memories I have, of my life when I had my children, living with me. My son turns 23 on Friday, and I’ve been a mother for over 1/2 my life, now.

WOW!!!

My feeling and loving them as a mother, DID NOT change when our addresses, unfortunately, did, 7 years ago.

I was on the phone, yesterday morning and was speaking to someone about a volunteer opportunity, that I might be eligible to do.

And I was trying to explain the events in my life and sum up my life, in a 40 minute telephone conversation.

And that was hard to do. The person I was on the phone, was nice about it and I understood that the questions that were asked, were necessary.

I was trying to convey of how blindsided I was about how the events in my life, changed in the last 10 years. That while I still tried to live a life with purpose and meaning, and be grateful that I was still alive, that I’m always going to have to refer to my past, as far as the best years of my life, were concerned.

Not my present, not my future, no matter what I do in my life, to try and make it meaningful for myself and for others.

So while I can still smile, when I talk about that time that I went on a business trip to London, and Princess Diana was on my plane (something I reference both on Facebook and my blog on occasion and I also took the Eurostar to Paris) in June of 1996, the fact that Zachary, my eldest,  had a mother who could take time off from work to bring birthday treats, to school, will always be a bigger deal, to me. Volunteered for every holiday party, in his elementary school career, as well as took him on vacations.

But the day to day stuff with my children, when they lived with me, has meant the most.

The fact that I could get my 2 children who were 10 1/2 years apart, that I was raising by myself to 2 different daycares, and worked full time, drove a car, maintained a household, then was still as I was getting sicker, still planning on starting my own business, 10 years ago,  the irony that I can’t do any of that, any longer, when people used to tell me they didn’t know how I did so much, is so far, NOT  lost on me. When I saw my daughter briefly the other day, she was shocked that she didn’t know that she had been out of our state, when she was younger and I was able to tell her about when we went to Florida and Wisconsin Dells, when she was a toddler.

It makes me profoundly sad, that my children had two different mothers, in me. And that she loves me so much, even though she has no expectations of me.

It’s just what is lost on me, and in me, that HAUNTS me. I know how lucky I am to have children, I know how lucky I am that everyone I love the most, is still alive.

I can’t escape the irony, either, that as hard as it is, to try and remember anything significant, that my writing is getting slightly better, even if my memory isn’t.

I go back to my old blogs and it’s “TL:dr” situation for me. With my OWN writing. Nothing has changed though in the last almost 2 1/2 years that I launched my blog, as a disabled writer, other than I try my hardest to be a little more concise.

People ask, on occasion, what would I do, if I could go back and change the past, what I’d do differently. Sometimes they are asking about whether or not, I’d have my gastric bypass, again. Some people will insensitively ask, whether or not I regret having my children (I don’t answer the latter question, I just look at people in HORROR, and it’s enough for them to know that it’s so not appreciated).

I can’t honestly say that there is anything that I would’ve done differently, given my circumstances and skill sets, at the time that I experienced anything from wonderful to horrific.

Not that it matters, I can’t go back and change anything and that’s something I’ve learned to make my peace with.

I have to say, for someone who at the age of 45 1/2, while most of my significant life, is over and was over before a billion people have decided to hang out on Facebook, I’m still not OVER.

So if you wondered why I pick and choose certain things to highlight  in my “social media” life, I hope this makes more sense now. I hope it makes more sense of why I’m pretty much the same, in my “offline” life, as I am online. And why I choose to live such a transparent life, but that I take breaks from social media, often (another blog specific to that, will be written, soon) and need my privacy and being reclusive, too…

For someone who never took anyone or anything for granted, I still will always struggle with my current circumstances, even though I know that life could be and definitely has been, much worse.

And it will be worse again, so I know that the universe doesn’t need to take that, as a challenge.

Just hopefully I’ll retain what I have in memory and skill sets, to get through it.

So, while I can’t say I’ll always have memories of London, Paris, Las Vegas, NYC, Miami and Fort Lauderdale given my memory issues, it’s what happened in my life, in Plymouth, Minnesota, that meant the most  to me(my children and I lived in Plymouth,MN other than 3 years, when Zachary was a toddler that we lived in New Hope, MN).

And I’m grateful to know the difference that the relevance of my life, past, present and future, isn’t based upon the relevance of it to another, especially a stranger or someone who doesn’t have my best interest at heart, on social media.

How to handle people when you’re the DUFF/Ugly Hurts part 2

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I’ve also  FUCKING had enough of body and looks shaming in my offline life….

The acronym DUFF will mean 2 separate things on this blog….

It will either mean Designated Ugly Fat Friend

OR Disabled Ugly Fat Female………..

Both in using to describe how I feel in society, at times or by peers, justifiably so, as it’s not just my body dysmorphia that’s driving this, it’s what strangers and peers tell me about the appearance bullying that they’ve been subjected to.  What others say and as well as what kind of looks I get,  as well as others, when out in public. And because I’m not alone in being treated this way, I decided to make this a blog and do activism for, rather than just rant about it, privately.

I was a VERY busy girl on Saturday. However because of one of my health issues, which is literally being allergic to the sun AND humidity, the second I leave my house, whether I take an effort to get ready or just shower and throw clothes on, whether I’m outside for 5 minutes or 5 hours, on a hot sunny day, I look like I was left in an oven at 550 degrees, for about 6 hours.

It’s embarrassing, and I’d be lying, if I didn’t say that from April to November, unless I’ve stayed inside all day or only have gone out for a few minutes at a time, where I’ve been in air conditioning places, I will profusely sweat, due to allergy to sun and heat sensitivity.

There’s NOTHING I can do, to prevent this. It’s a medical health issue and it’s getting worse as I get older. It has NOTHING to do with my weight, as I didn’t have this problem with sun sensitivity or sweating too much, at my heaviest before or after my gastric bypass. And after for how many times I’ve nearly died for medical reasons, I refuse to hide myself.

Anyhow, I had a busy day on Saturday and ended up going out Saturday night. By the time I went to a bar to meet friends, I’d been up since 3:30 a.m. , early Saturday morning and I had walked 2 miles from my house to the bar, I had gotten 9 miles (which most of them, by then, had been in the sun and humidity)in walking, by the time I got there.

Now I know I looked terrible. It was further reinforced when a few picture taken of me with others, from Saturday night, was posted on social media, which did upset me, earlier this afternoon.

The pictures were not posted with malice, they weren’t even about me,while I made a comment that I didn’t love how I looked, I defended it.

What I didn’t do, though, is describe all the looks I got, when out and about , during the day and at night. Which is my norm, especially during the Summer. As I live in large busy city, and I never  fail to attract negative attention, both in looks and in comments made to me, when I get out. .

I’ve discussed this before in other blogs. What I haven’t discussed in great detail, is what and what not to do about it, in conjunction with putting a definition on it, such as DUFF in public and DUFF in one’s personal life.

This is the way I look at it. If taking potshots at people, whether it be online such as a picture like following featured below, makes one feel better about themselves, it’s not another person not being attractive to another, that’s the problem, it’s society thinking that it’s right to hate on people, based upon appearance and for people who are devoid of a soul that they get satisfaction in bullying others. And I’ve seen hundreds of pictures, if not more, like the one below, if not more, since being on social media.

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I could say as an activist, that people should be more disgusted about their bullying and/ hating on people for what they look like on the outside,  but in the era of Facebook and Instagram, that ain’t gonna fly. As we’ve all seen the memes that sometimes will talk about inner beauty, sometimes the same people who are prone to post a picture like the one above, who talk about the importance of being beautiful on the inside and not the outside.

Because they are FUCKING mentally defective, (which is not the same as mental illness, which I’m an activist for) morally bankrupt, hateful HYPOCRITES.

However……….. Facebook is called Facebook and NOT Soulbook, for a reason. And a lot of times that reasons aren’t in the best interest of people. Whether they are a supermodel or they aren’t considered being physically attractive.

As much as it sucks and sometimes hurts existing in a society that judges me  and others about appearance, it’s sometimes for some of us, a hundred times worse, when the DUFF definition, becomes personal.

Meaning you have people in your life, where they either get some satisfaction that they are more attractive then you are or that you have looks even a loved one or someone you care about, not only can’t love you for, but actually straight out or subtly hates on you for. Whether they are straight out or subtle in their perverse satisfaction of being considered (whether it’s perception and/or they are more conventionally attractive)  more attractive than you are.

This is my personal philosophy about this. And I’m NOT sorry to burst anyone’s pathetic bubble about this. I am NOT jealous of people who are more attractive than me, in my personal life, including some of the models (some of them who would NEVER do something so crappy and are just as beautiful on the inside as the outside) friends that are naturally beautiful, regardless of weight and those  I’m friends with that I have who had a better outcome post weight loss surgery than I did. I’m happy for the good things that happen to people I care about and sad for the bad things.
(Note: For those of you in my personal life who’ve done this to me, especially subtly, I know who you are and this is your notice that I don’t think highly of you and/or you have something so pathetic about yourself, that I haven’t cut you loose. YET…)

But this isn’t just about me. This is about people who are broken on the inside for being on the outside, not considered conventionally attractive. As I’ve said before even Caitlyn Jenner said about trans bullying, what others think or say about me, won’t break me. I’ve survived too much shit, in my 45 years, to let haters and bullies have a shot of breaking me, even if it does hurt my feelings at times.

This is for the people who are broken because of pervasive bullying based upon looks.Who don’t have a voice or don’t even think they are worth being defended, which they are worth it.

You don’t have to own, anyone’s negative opinion of you. Especially when it comes to circumstances, such as looks and weight, which is superficial (I’m NOT discussing or debating the “Obesity” argument with this blog,  it’s not necessary or appropriate to debate fat as a potential or current health issue, in this blog). and isn’t a reflection of your beauty, but others’s internal ugliness.

It is true and it took me a long time to understand that “Others opinion about me, is NONE of my business”. And if you can accept this, you will spare yourself decades of grief, that I’ve had to go through being bullied, to finally realize that I don’t have shame to bear from not being conventionally attractive. And neither does anyone.

Think about it. If a stranger is doing this to you, why do you care what someone who has no idea of what you are  about, and doesn’t care about hurting other people, that’s not people you give any rent in your head and heart, to. Even if it’s human nature to care, try a little harder NOT to care. In the scope of your life, these people are NOTHING and should be nothing to you.

While it’s harder to put up with appearance bashing whether it’s subtle or intentional, from people who may be close to us, especially if they show in other ways that they do care about us, as people are complex and multi-faceted, this is something that NO ONE has a right to hate and/or bully someone for. IF you can’t discharge the negativity of that aspect of those people, then you need to get them out of your lives. But don’t let someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart, in ways that matter the most, keep hurting you like this. It’s a shitty thing to do to someone, being done by shitty people.

I hope this helps others, as well as create a dialogue of why this happens in the first place. As this goes beyond trying to make money about people’s insecurities, when people are subjected to this by society and their friends and family. While it wasn’t totally altruistic in nature, it needed to be said not only from a personal point of view, but as an activist.

Because it can be life ruining if not life ending, to be subjected to hate and bullying about appearance, that goes beyond weight or race and the internet has made it even a more difficult playing field for people who are bullied for this reason.

And it needs to STOP. NOW….

Important note: Appearance bullying is NOT gender specific. Unfortunately both genders are equal opportunity HATERS as well as targets for hate and bullying…….

Note: As always, I welcome other people’s life stories, as well as a difference in opinion, if shared respectfully. If NOT, your response will NOT be published…

Just a FRIENDLY reminder from a cognitively/neurologically impaired blogger…..

grammarecard

Yes, many people do behave in a manner as exhibited in above “someecard”. If I had a dollar for every judgment made against poor writers and/or communicators, that I read on a daily basis, I’d be able to afford an full time editor, chef, chauffeur, masseuse and be writing this from my multi million dollar mansion.

Here’s you’re/yore/your really badly written, but still kinda BRILLIANT, retort. But because it’s coming from me, it is kinda on the friendly, snarky and funny side, too.

Anyhoo, I was scrolling through my newsfeed tonight on Facebook when the below link showed up…….

http://mentalfloss.com/article/66275/comma-crusader-brings-good-grammar-traffic-court-and-wins

Now, it saw the the link, and my 1st thought was “should I even read this”??? And thought  ” Oh heavens no, I should not”.

Then, I did actually, unfortunately, read it. And thought “Oh NO, this is going to bring out even more improper English usage HATERS/HATING” !!!

I don’t know if it’s due to luck that I have Facebook friends who will hate on improper English usage, but, as it applies to me, knowing that I have disabilities that make it IMPOSSIBLE for me to write well, so they leave me alone, as well as understand because they are a kindly sort, of why it’s so important for me and for others, to tell my story, of how became this disabled in the first place.

 Whatever it is, it’s working for me. Except with my anonymous haters.

But I obviously couldn’t give two shits, what they think, hence, why I am STILL blogging.

Let’s get something straight. I didn’t always write so poorly. And as much of my life story, which sometimes absolutely scares the SHIT out of people, it’s helped people enormously, whether my activism on social media, the internet at large and THIS blog.

As crappy as my grammar can be. As hard as it is for me to think and express myself in logical sequence of order, as far as thought. Even though I know my punctuation just isn’t right. Even though I know what a homonym is, sometimes if I’m over cluttered in thought, I’ll misuse them. I’m still going to keep writing, anyways.

I have a lot of social media contacts who are writers. They write extremely well. I read a lot better and more effectively than I write. And I’m grateful for my ability to be still able to read, given my bizarre and complex disability sets. As well as having the ability to think in intelligent thought. And I still have at times, good critical thinking and analyzing skills.

Here’s where your “friendly” reminder comes in, when it comes to being overly critical of another’s writing and/or communicating  skill.

The reason why I am writing this, is because I see people making fun if not being absolutely hateful, of people who write poorly and assuming it’s due to being  uneducated, stupid  or  lazy, EVERY day, now, on social media. It’s to the point where not only are you becoming REALLY boring, having this as a cause, but you actually are  becoming and/or ARE a bully. It doesn’t matter how many causes you may do activism for, if you hate on people who for some reason can’t write or speak well, for reasons you need to trust me, that you should be grateful, that you DO NOT understand, this.

But, maybe,  one should try a little harder to understand, OK?

And while I can’t be hypersensitive to this kind of hate, just like I can’t with fat hate and stay anything resembling sane, as this happens ALL the time on social media.

And this bears repeating…. Because for someone who had a great future at one time and never saw my life turning out the way it did pan out, this little blog of mine, did become the “little horribly written blog that did some amazing things” for vulnerable people in need and more importantly, in CRISIS. As well as be a voice for people who have NONE.

IF, I had not started my blog when I did, there would be several people who would NOT be alive. Some of those that would have died without my blog,would be due to those I’ve stayed up all night and made sure they got professional help, when suicidal. Who told me straight out that I saved their lives.

Others who I walked through and emotionally held their hands, while they got help for serious gastric bypass complications that were nearly fatal, and they didn’t know where to start as far as getting help.

I’ve had loved ones who lost family and friends  due to suicide and/or were hoarders, as well as other serious mental illnesses, thank me for explaining my mindset, at my sickest an d them being able to FINALLY understand aspects of serious mental illness issues, that even a professional couldn’t explain to them (As always, I’m NOT a clinically trained professional, I will always urge people whether in crisis or not, to seek professional help) and they were able to make their peace, with what they thought was neglect, apathy or hatred of themselves by themselves or a loved one, was really a mental health issue that their loved has/ had NO control over. And that their parent, child, loved one actually did LOVE them, even though they were no longer alive or they don’t have the capacity to understand their mental illness and it’s negative long term effects on their loved ones and they were able to heal.

I’ve had other social media peers because of my blog, getting up the courage to launch their blogs.

I’m not saying the above to be self serving. I’m trying to make a point.

Point I am trying to make, is that I did not launch my blog  when I wanted to, in 2010, due to fear. There was multiple reasons why I was afraid. I come from an uber private family. I was afraid of getting judged harshly by strangers. I knew I would get even more judged by people who could hate on me anonymously. While most of my fear of being hated on, was for being a very unintentionally crappy mother, it was a justifiable fear.

And  I did also fear, coming off, uneducated. Which I am educated. And I used to be really smart and had amazing communication skills, both in writing and speaking, that I just don’t have anymore. And the reasons WHY I don’t have them anymore, is one of the reasons I blog. But as I said before. I blog for many reasons. Primarily so what happened to my family, doesn’t happen to another.  That my daughter has in my words, while I’m able to articulate them, of how much I love her and her brother. To help those who are crying and dying on the inside because of stigma. Or those who have had medical crises but won’t seek medical attention because they’ve been labeled as well as those who are in psychiatric crises. As well as I use my blog to talk about anything I think is blogworthy. I can’t be serious all the time. The activism I do, is of serious nature and it would not be healthy for me to have a single minded focus on ANY topic for any extended period of time.

I think what would have happened if I had NOT started my blog. And those who might have died. Or more people I could’ve helped, if I wouldn’t have been afraid.

I think about those who need support and/or those who’s life struggles and their thoughts and insights about their own struggles, could help other people, enormously, if they didn’t live in fear of being judged. So they stay silent. That makes me incredibly sad when anyone is shamed or stigmatized into silence. And it makes me try harder as an activist to eradicate stigma and make others feel comfortable in sharing their truths, so they can get help and heal.

But I ain’t a saint. If I could get back at the Perfect English Usage peeps (I call them “peus”, clever, ain’t it??)  as exhibited in the cartoon below, I would. In a heartbeat.

4f43f05e840cb

Heh……

I also have pet peeves of my own, when it comes to abusing the English language.

People who write like this: “If u no ware I bee cumming frum, den  hit me up, K??? 4 reelz 😉 ” .  This is annoying as fuck.  I figure though anyone who’d write like this, would be the last person to read my blog, but I still wouldn’t want to “hert der feeleengs”.

People who speak in abbreviations/acronyms (note my wls/weight loss surgery peeps are notorious for this, they are usually the biggest grammar guards out there, but I still love you and you still  love me, right???) It takes 2 more seconds to say “roux-en-y gastric bypass” vs rny gastric bypass, ” duodenal switch” vs. ds, “vertical sleeve gastrectomy” vs. VSG. And of course, those who spell  WLS vs speaking or saying the words “WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY”, when actually speaking.  Even if your audience is just a population of bariatric surgical patients, they may not  know all the abbreviations. Or, I digress but to say that not everyone cares about weight loss surgery matters. Shocking, isn’t it?

And I cop to being amazed at certain things, in the realm of others’s stupidity,  as I’ll post a link of when someone created a Twitter account for “United Airlanes” vs. United Airlines.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/united-airlines-airlanes-twitter-parody#.kgaDqLNOE

As it’s one thing to have a typo on a mobile device when mad. But not to recognize it, after I period of time, even I will find that hilarious. And I’m not above wondering how people like that can afford a plane ticket  and have the ability to travel, let alone make their way out of bed, each morning.

The thing is, I rarely make fun of people. And usually the only person I make fun of, is myself. Even rarer, is the fact I’m copping to this, publicly, because I usually keep the few really mean thoughts I have of others, usually to myself unless I’m provoked. I’m usually kinda the Robin Hood of defending the vulnerable with snarky wit from snobby haters. And while sometimes I will lose. But when I win, I win BIG.

And provoke me enough, as you can see, I can be quite the bitch.

So, hopefully this gives something to ponder, before one thinks they are better than another because someone else has barriers from being able to articulate themselves in proper English form.

If you wouldn’t judge another by looking different (which you shouldn’t) don’t judge another because of their difference in communicating. They/we may have very good reason for “breaking the rules”.

Your Welcome (ok, now I’m just fucking with you…You’re Welcome) ….  😉

Note: Same rules apply. You can respectfully disagree with me. Or risk wasting your time on a comment, if hateful, that won’t bother me, that won’t get published. Also, please don’t assume this blog is personal, if I have any kind of tie with anyone who reads this and bristles. Contact me for clarification before you end an association with me. But in addition to missing my wit, I be too fucking funny to unfriend on Facebook, right???

p.s.  I have to confess this, as well. I have amazing search engine skills. With the extent of the cognitive damage I have, I couldn’t even differentiate in my head the difference between abbreviations and acronyms, even though I can read and understand, I can’t utilize the difference in my own writing.

Just reiterating that everyone has a barrier that compromises their ability to express themselves, efficiently and effectively, as well as interpret accurately others intentions when speaking and writing.

Says the disabled blogger  who got a “B” in Critical Thinking and English in college and an “A” in Speech. 🙂

Celebrating Independence day, EVERYDAY…..

” I’d like to thank my lucky stars, to be living here today, cause the flag stands for freedom and they can’t take that away” Lee Greenwood “God Bless the USA”…..

Well in some cases, freedom CAN be taken away…. I will elaborate…

So while the 4th of July, means celebration for so many Americans of when we celebrate our freedoms, that and January 1st, 2010, as well as EVERY day, I celebrate of what it means to be free, but I also personal ruminate, of freedoms lost in the past.

One of the reason’s why I stopped blogging this year, is because when I reread some of my blogs, when I talk about the time I spent in the mental health system, there was inconsistencies. As I would say either 15 to 16 months.

Thanks to a website called http://www.converterunits.com, I plugged in the date of my suicide attempt which was 8-12-2008, and the date I moved out of the last group home I was in (I was in 2 group homes, post suicide attempt. Was in psych ward for 35 days, then from 9-15-2008 til early December 2008, was in a 90 day intensive behavior treatment program. Then I was in a group home for severely mentally ill people from 12-2008 to January 1st, 2010, when I moved out on my own after getting my back pay). I also plugged in how long I’ve not been raising my children now.

I spent almost 508 days in the system, exactly 1 year, 4 months and 20 days, to move out on my own, only to spend an enormous amount of time, in 2010, in the hospital or on campus of it due to my rapidly deteriorating with still having major gastric bypass complications.

5 years ago, in 2010, I spent 4th of July, by myself, as I was still quite sick (and trying not to die from those pesky g.i. bleeds) at home, quietly. My gastric bypass was reversed a little over 2 months later on 9-7-2010.

While I’m missing a lot of holidays as of late, with my boyfriend, in the last year, due to not feeling well (I have seen my children, recently and I’m happy to say it’s gone awesome. Especially with my youngest, who realizes I have complex disabilities and doesn’t take it personally). While I started this 4th of July, at his house, I am now home, as I wasn’t feeling well.

This 4th of July, in 2015, is the 7th one, not being with my kids. Well I was with my children on July 4th, 2008, and have very little memory of it. I remember because we could see fireworks from our deck, in the last apartment we lived together. As I how drove by then, was also, nothing short of frightening, I didn’t them to unnecessary places, as I was a public safety hazard, the last 2 years that I drove, due to my medical health issues.

While I always miss my children horribly, they are doing great. I am happy about that. I am happy that I’m not near death like I was 5 years ago, or in the system like I was for Independence Day 2009.

I am grateful to those who fought for our freedoms and to protect them, such as our military and police officers. I’m grateful to those who I love the most, by taking care of my children, while I had to fight for my own freedoms and then my life, 5 years ago. And I was quite sick, still, from gastric bypass complications AND my reversal, July 4th, 2011. And I’m grateful for my boyfriend and his family, who I spend most holidays with.

For as much as I complain about not feeling well, and I really am in severe chronic pain, most of the time, any crappy day on my own, is much better, than a great day, in the mental health system. Or nearly dying several times and being in a medical facility so much. It never gets old, even the most basic things, after losing basic freedoms of choice, such as what and when I can eat, what medications I can take, where I can go, I don’t have to account to ANYONE other than myself, on a daily basis, let alone, an hourly one.

I still believe after what happened to me, with my mental health issues in 2008, that while I paid dearly, I still think we live in the greatest country in the world.

Happy 239th Birthday, United States of America, and to all and kind of selfishly, to me, let freedom ring.

Wishing everyone a safe and fun, 4th of July weekend……….

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