It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘blogging with disabilities’ Category

When it’s without a doubt, NOT going to get easier……


Disclaimers: This blog is both to achieve personal points and an activism goal. I do talk about appearance and weight.

I ask if any of the above, as I defend people to be of whatever weight they feel is in their best interest (meaning whether they believe in weight loss or being any size of the spectrum without stigma) as well as appearance, such as whether one wants to be glammed up or if they’re more like me and I look like I climbed out of under a rock, even with showering and fresh clean clothes on, that if any is a trigger to anyone, PLEASE  don’t read.


Above meme is a current self portrait of sorts…

Well I guess if one is going to be picky, an internal one.

It’s not that I’ve haven’t been open on my internet spaces, of gaining a lot of weight, NOT really caring much that I have and that I look like the love child of Jabba the Hutt and Bride of Chucky, it’s that I’m okay with it, which is completely socially UNACCEPTABLE.

In fact it’s SO socially unacceptable, that to admit it, makes me looked more unglued mentally, than I was 10 years ago (you’ll have to read my very 1st blog on WP, to find out the deets for that).

As I get older though and more wiser, for me at least, what’s considered unacceptable to others, i.e. gaining weight (even though I’m trying not to gain anymore and/or lose a little bit and DO NOT want any weight loss advice, of like any kind) or that I don’t look the greatest, as it’s a symptom for me of something that it’s a mixed blessing and mixed bag of sorts, to accept.

My current disability sets are getting worse, as far as self care is concerned and I don’t love it, but have to accept that’s where I’m at and take personal inventory of what I’m capable of, in some kind of action.

Meaning what bothers me the most, is the failure on my part to do more than just get by, that I can’t take care of others.

That if I would die, I’d have nothing to give to anyone in either a legacy to be proud of or any type of financial support to my children and my parents, who I owe EVERYTHING to.

That as an activist, it’s getting unbearable to see the news daily, of all the unconscionable acts of violence and tragedies.

So,  I’m taking stock of what I can do to be a better activist and to be better personally that’s focused  in the medical and mental health arts and sciences, and what I can do to better my finances,  before I get anymore disabled.

And being grateful at least that if I can’t be the best I can be on the outside, internally I’m mentally intact and can strive for more.

And that’s okay…

Note: Please NO food, diet and/or fitness advice. Thanks!!!


I hereby declare, from this date going forward…


Disclaimers: There aren’t any. This is a positive personal blog. Won’t be wordy, either.

This is my 200th blog, but that’s not why it’s a big deal, today.

Or at least it’s diminished in today’s date’s significance for me, which I’m okay with.

While, I’ll only share the details briefly, as I’ve discussed the actual circumstances in greater detail, in other blogs, here it goes.

22 years ago, when I was a 26 year old single mother of one young son, I worked for Carlson Marketing Group on an account subcontracted by British Airways, where we managed their Frequent Traveller Programme for the United States, at that time.

June 6th, 1996, I boarded BA296 from Chicago O’Hare to London Heathrow where I was seated in their newly renovated Club World (business class and it was AWESOME).

Less than 45 minutes later, so DID Princess Diana.

Should she not have boarded that flight, today’s date still would be happily significant, especially given where I am both personally and professionally, 22 years later, given my unique life circumstances.

However in 1996, I had a a life that I was happy and proud busy single mother of 1, who I was happy to go home to, so while I shared my Princess Diana story, it wasn’t as significant as it is now.

In 2006, my life was even better, as a single mother of 2 amazing children, a 13 1/2 boy and a 3 year old girl, even though I was sick then, but life had a promise and hope.

I’m not looking for empathy, because I don’t have that anymore, even though as far as being a mother, prior to 2008, that will forever be the best part of my life, if my children don’t believe anything other that I ever said or that I ever did, I truly hope they believe how much I loved them then and how much I will love them, forever.

And that I’ve always done the best I could, even though they deserved better.

So sharing a flight with Princess Diana on BA296, will ALWAYS be a magical experience to me, only 2nd, to being Zachary and Zoe’s mother.

But because I don’t have any other established other milestones other than that, to feel as intensely amazing, like that and I will never again, I’m just going to celebrate BOTH, today.

So on this day going forward, I hereby personally proclaim and will revel in what’s been magical in my life, on this date, going forward and when I really need it.

And even giving myself, a tiny bit of credit, in hopes to help others, that what was awful for us, didn’t happen in vain.


Note: Feel free to share what was a (or a few)  magical moments for you on this date or any day or date…

p.s. It again, can’t be a wls, that’s for your own good 😉
p.s.s. It can be though, a memory or major milestone in non weight accomplishments, as a result of wls. You’re welcome.

What I actually DO (and don’t do) in a day…


Disclaimers: This blog is not going to contain my normal disclaimers when writing a serious blog, because it’s personal in nature versus to accomplish any kind of activism, other than understanding of situations or circumstances in people, that I understand might be difficult, for those of us who live an abnormal life but aren’t capable of hurting other people, at least with malice or intention, if at all.

There may or may not be profanity, because for those who know me in my offline life, know that I do swear, but am sensitive to my audience i.e. not in front clergy, children or people who find profanity, offensive.

I do get why, to an extent people for many complex reasons find me and my life, offensive, maybe they will find it a little less offensive, when knowing a little a bit about why in this era of my life, I conduct myself and my life, the way I do. Thanks!!!

WHOA, I be a blogging a lot, as of late.

While I always have a lot on my mind, for someone who is devoid of normal responsibilities my age, I don’t always feel the need to share it.

But I do know that people in my personal offline life and people who I have social media ties, whether or not they are supportive, still have a curiosity of what I do with the “freedom” I never asked for or wanted and I can’t try to explain that, without explaining they “why”.

I figured the best way to do that, especially as my medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities increase in it’s severity as I get older, is to give people an insight on a “week in my life” of what I did and what I didn’t or won’t do and why.

Sunday 3-4-2018: I never schedule anything on a Sunday. If I am guaranteed to get out, it’s on Saturday and even that’s been sketchy as of late. But I’m exhausted and in a lot of pain from the previous day’s activities where I did get out. I’m also further impacted  by a pesky gallbladder attack that actually led me to go to an urgent care and ER (I usually only seek medical treatment twice a year, with PCP, 3x a year, if she pushes on a specialty) 4 days earlier and I didn’t go to an ER the week prior, when I had an episode for an hour of atrial fibrillation (I”m not prone to cardiac issues, with being a heavy and heavy smoker) but it was at least a good experience that I got partially diagnosed without any judgement (which will also be a topic of another blog!!!) .

I think I wrote a blog and I know because I daily answer inquiries about reversals and other stuff I blog about, as well as affordable housing.

Monday 3-5-2018: I don’t go anywhere again, because I feel physically awful and am exhausted by my anxiety, too. And unfortunately February of 2018’s events led to unusual behaviors in me, that make me run extremely low on meds (this will be a topic for another blog, given my activism regarding addiction) and my physician calls me and actually does okay an early refill on my meds that I normally NEVER would ask her for.

Tuesday 3-6-2018: I STILL don’t go anywhere even though I’m super low on meds and feel terrible, physically. So I cut down on my meds until I run out and don’t do much else other than my daily routine of helping people with inquiries about whatever they read in my blogs.

Wednesday 3-7-2018: I unfortunately have to get out of my house, cause I’m out of meds and food. So I pick up my meds and take the bus to near where my boyfriend lives, in an area I LOVE. My 4 hour adventure completely exhausts me, but at least I know I can resume my normal medication regimen, which helps a little, to be more comfortable 2 hours, twice a day.

Thursday 3-8-2018: I get out for 90 minutes because I have a scheduled appointment with a worker who helps me with errands because I don’t drive, due to my disability waiver. And while I feel like total shit, I can be vulnerable with her, at the same time, amazing her with my desire to help others as well as sometimes great insight into human nature, while at the same time, making her to take me to one particular store for ONE item, that I completely forget why we are going there for, until she reminds me.

As well as awing her with my inability to express that and anything else, in NO logical sequence of order and/or NO complete thought processes in about the 9,271 topics I bring up at once.

Friday: 3-9-2018: I feel like total shit, because in addition to having my normal severe pain, I’m waking up with a migraine (due to my bizarre allergy to the SUN) even though it’s still dark out, that happens in the middle of the night on days that will be sunny. And yes, I have what I call “reverse seasonal affective disorder”, I’m literally dreading Daylight Saving TIme. And Summer, although super cold and cloudy days can kick my ass, just as much as sunny days do, it just shows more on me, on a sunny day. Because I feel like I’ve been set on fire, all over, when it’s sunny out.

Because of this I have to miss a scheduled volunteer meeting on an initiative that I actually BEGGED to be created. As well as a nice lunch with my boyfriend, in his neighborhood that I love. And I feel emotionally TERRIBLE about bailing on both. But am in too much physical pain, to even think of leaving my home.

So hence my previous blog and this one, and when I’m done with this, I’ll try to get a handle on my physical pain so I can make a simple lunch and try to calm my anxiety and thought cluttered brain, to read a book and/or magazine, for the rest of the afternoon.

Saturday 3-10-2018: Usually I go out with my boyfriend on Saturdays, but have missed some as late. He has a local thing he does near me on Saturdays but not tomorrow. While he is willing to see me, I’d prefer he didn’t come to Minneapolis if he didn’t have to, because I’m so unpredictable and hard to make plans with, any day, but especially lately.

I also graciously bow out of an invite to a birthday dinner for my Dad, that’s just to include my parents and my sisters (usually their dinners also include their grandkids) at an upscale steakhouse in Downtown Minneapolis, one that I haven’t gone to, for 11 years.

I’m not saying this meanly, I have enough just to take a shower and get dressed, on a day that I’m capable of getting out. My Mother and my 40 something old sisters, who in addition to being beautiful and well put together, smart and having good senses of humor, are busy accomplished gainfully employed and great mothers. As well as the birthday boy to be, at almost the age of 72, is way more functional and put together , than his 48 year old daughter.

Even if I could pretend to look nice and be okay, which I can’t do,  I’m not going to ruin their dinner because I have not a fucking clue to what to say to them, my life is so completely devoid of any responsibility, that I could keep my mouth shut. But that would be terribly awkward for EVERYONE.

That’s just a glimpse in what’s an unusual week for me.

EVERYDAY is different, depending on how bad my physical pain, is how bad my anxiety is and whether or not I think I can keep it together so I don’t lose possessions (i.e my keys or my phone that contains my i.d. and debit card) or look vulnerable, because there is so few people I can trust, to be at my most vulnerable, and I’m super painfully aware of what sets me apart from most people.

Even though I can be super insightful and have a great sense of humor at times (so I’m told!!!) .

I get that everyone has there own great things and their own private pain.

I try to be and I am empathetic, just like I was when I was a busy full time employed single mother of 2.

I’m not saying I’m this angel, I have my own stuff, that’s less than desirable, that makes me not a fun person to spend a ton of time with.

I still worry about those I love the most and hate that I can’t do anything constructive for them, 99.5% of the time.

I do try to help people when I can, even with serious stuff, with serious boundaries in place, because I can do that, from the privacy of my home.

Hopefully this explains why, for the few of us, who you may know, live way unconventional lives, can get upset with any kind of comments on our free time.

I get that some people, despite great adversity, don’t let them or their circumstances limit them.

I’m just explaining from my point of view, because I am capable on rare occasion, of doing good productive things.

But I’m at the mercy of medical, mental health and cognitive disability, EVERYDAY.

That’s why I’m not taking the MCAT and LSAT to attend both medical and law school at the same time, even if I could online. I wouldn’t remember 80% of what’s being taught, even if I could pass both of them.

Let alone the little responsibilities but can’t completely guarantee any follow through in commitment.

So please, I get why others are busy. I get why and what I do and don’t do, is pathetically at best, temporarily fascinating.

But it’s my life and my current circumstances and I’d do anything to be Lisa circa 2004.

But I’m not and I can’t be, anymore.

So I really wish people could understand better, of why people sometimes are less strong in the face of adversity.

It’s way more complicated then just the glimpse I gave you, in about 1800 words, though.

And I give anything to change this, but I can’t.

You’re just going to have to take my word for it, if you could be so kind.

Even though I was taught that “actions speak louder than words” in a good productive sense.

Note: Constructive dialogue is welcomed. I’m assuming the nature of the blog, would hopefully not encourage any kind of hate.

Also, out of respect for people who I mention in this blog who are private people, I would prefer to only discuss this on here and not anywhere on Facebook or Twitter, where blog is auto posting.



What are you DOING when NO ONE is looking???


Disclaimers: While this blog is both a combination personal blog, as well as to achieve some activism type of goals, when it comes to medical, mental health and public safety, I will ALWAYS implore people, when in crisis, to seek clinically trained professional help if they are or they suspect someone else is in crisis, immediately and or call 911 (because 1/2 my readers are outside of the U.S./North America, and/or Emergency Services in one’s country of residence). Thanks.

OR, may I ask, with NO expection of an answer to me, what are you actually THINKING, when NO ONE else is looking?

Because it matters.


In my case,  and it will be also a topic for another blog, as far as it applies to social media and my loathing and fear of social media.

In my case, what I do and what I think, is usually done in the privacy of my own home.

My blogs from the last month, whether they talked about people in crisis of all different types, where most of my blogs were concentrated on those who’s thinking and actions, lead to fatalities, in innocent others.

Also a few of my blogs of last month, were in regards to Superbowl 52, which was exactly a month ago, that occured 4 1/2 blocks from where I live.

It feels like both yesterday and 100 years ago, that Superbowl 52, took place, which I didn’t care for, because I was afraid of something bad happening and I don’t like being in the spotlight in any way or any kind of attention, which meant for the 2 weeks around Superbowl Sunday, I became super reclusive, even for me, in the era of smartphone cameras, as well as global networks being in my neighborhood.

As well as the tragic massacre in Parkland, Florida that happened, 10 days later.

Unfortunately, but so gratefully, I’m lucky that if I don’t feel well, I don’t have to do anything.

And when I feel my worst medically and mentally, not only do I have to not  do anything, just try to deal with my medical and emotional pain, I don’t do anything else, even though that my medical and mental emotional pain is only a hindrance to myself, even though I usually respond to various help queries, everyday.

I realize that most people, don’t have the luxury of both time and privacy, that I have.

The last major BEST decision though, I made for myself, is to disengage, as much as possible,  from social media.

Without quitting it completely.

And in my case, I’ve never felt that I’m in competition with ANYONE, which I think social media drives.

But in my case, social media, for how I used it, would be a really bad and sad reminder of my failures compared to my FORMER self, which is the only competition I put on myself and fail miserably,  of how functional and productive I used to be, prior to the last 11-12 years of my life, which is now a quarter of my life, now that I’m 48 years old.

Most people, the few of them that I encounter, are  kind of surprised of what I’ve chosen to do with this little life that I have.

Lots of times, I don’t feel well enough to go anywhere or do much, but possess a strange skill set and a desire to help people in medical and/or mental health crisis (with the urging they have to be under the care of clinically trained professionals, which I’m not) and that I’m kinda good at it, with obvious boundaries for myself and others, for what I’m willing and capable of doing, in the areas I do activism for, and where I help people when they email me for help.

It takes a lot of unnecessary pressure off, when people focus to do things, with an absence of social media, either to NOT  be motivated by it, in attempts to NOT  be an influencer and to NOTto have it as a default distraction.

Even if someone makes a living off of social media, no one needs to make their complete lives on it.

When I tell other clinical professionals who I don’t know, in the medical and/or mental health realm what I do or ask what I can do better when I run across them, in my advocacy, I do find that most of the time, my inability to be influenced by social media and/or let anyone influence me, in any way, that what I don’t do or do and/or what I do say and or don’t say, is driven soley by myself, they find the most challenging thing in dealing with me.

WHY, though???

I’m hardly an admirable person, by any account.

I’m not looking to be, nor am I someone to be looked up to.

But I’m not someone to be feared, either.

I know how my disabilities can be of a negative effect on me and/or when provoked, makes me mean to others, which is all I’m capable of.

I’ve made some AWFUL decisions, which I still can do stupid things on occasion but am honest, but I also I make a lot of good ones, in hoping to do the right thing.

When NO ONE is looking.

I don’t understand though, as I don’t judge others who find that the various social media platforms, DO  have a strong influence on how they conduct their lives.

It just DOES NOT for me.

It can’t.

I came into having medical, mental health and cognitive defects by various complex organic, circumstancial and environmental reasons.

I don’t need and it would be a disaster for me and I do believe it does hinder other’s health and wellbeing, being so emotionally, mentally and cognitively dependent on all the things that go along with having a social media and technology driven society, now a days.

It’s not like we can go back in time and change the technologies outcomes both good and bad.

But it’s not too late, to make more of what’s on social media, that does a greater good for people, that doesn’t effect desired financial outcomes, which not all of it is bad, other than the intentional addiction seeking behavior of some technical products and services.

But these are the following the questions, that people have to ask themselves, given the fact that even people, who have done so much good in their lives, are ending their lives and others lives, both intentionally and maliciously or not,  or they interfere in multiple ways, for others right to the sanctity of life, with peace of mind, in the worst ways possible.

So here it goes:

What are you doing and thinking, that could be hurtful to oneself or others, that might have a foundation in a social media driven society and what can you do, to make it less harmful for yourselves and other people?

Can you ask for genuine help and get it, from clinical medical health and mental professionals, as well as families and/or peers when in distress or crisis?

And if you can’t or choose NOT to get any kind of help, how does that adversely and/or can you positively change the outcome of your own thought processes so it doesn’t lead to negative action on oneself or another, all the time, some of the time and on rare occasions?

Asking and knowing why, it makes the difference of why it matters, of the dependence in thinking of others knowing what you say, do and what you look like when you do them, due to our social media driven society and knowing what’s good about it and what is even unintentionally harmful to self or others, in this day and age.

There is NO ego with this blog.

I’m the first one to admit, I have way more questions than valid helpful answers, in trying to help those in crisis, not hurt themselves or others.

All I’m trying to do with my own disabilities, bad choices and my own flaws and as well as the few strengths that I have, is to help myself and to help others, in things that matter the most, in what I’m able to so little but try to contribute somehow, positively.

No one has to answer the above questions out loud, to me or another, unless someone is a danger to themselves or others, which will require acute professional help.

But the questions asked above are worthy of asking yourself and evaluating, of how, what, where and why, you think of  yourself and others, when they’re not looking, in good ways and bad.

Or the when and why, you’re actually driven to make or want  them to look at what you’re doing and saying and how you look, when you’re doing that.

Note: I’m all for constructive feedback, which can be a difference of opinion, as long as it’s shared respectfully. Thanks!!!

absence of malice…


Disclaimer: Even though this is a personal blog versus a blog doing activism, not knowing the mental state of my readers, and due to the serious nature of what I’m about to discuss, I will always urge those in crisis and/or if someone suspects another that might be in medical/mental health crisis and capable of doing harm to themselves or another, to seek immediate treatment from a clinically trained professional, right away and/or contact 911, immediately.

I didn’t want to write another blog, right now .

I’m NOT okay.

I hate to say and actually resent that I have to say, when saying I’m not okay, that I’m not capable of hurting myself and/or another and/or other’s property.

BUT, I have to say that.

Because, I have diagnosed mental health issues.

And while I feel that we live in a society that people scare me, that I have very little hope, I’m actually TERRIFIED that because I have mental health issues that are diagnosed, that is enough for people not to trust for me, to NOT act in a manner that is harmful to another.

Even though there’s plenty of people who know me well enough to know, that I’m NOT capable of hurting another human being, let alone I’m fully aware of my issues and would never want, nor am I capable of hurting another human being.

But for some reason, I fear that’s not enough. Not because I distrust my own behavior, but because I fear the labeling of my diagnoses.

But truthfully, this isn’t about my diagnoses, medical and/or mental health.

It’s about others, as I’m fully aware of the consequences of my own issues.

I don’t like living a life that’s devoid of hope.

I hate that I live such a small life but that no only is it so small, but that I fear other people.

I can’t stand that the fact I don’t have more hope in other human beings.

Even though that I know that there are truly good people in this world.

But I loathe that we live in a society that whether people lie in wait to kill innocent others, or due to an equally scary but less talked about mental health circumstances, where people are snapping and/or it’s a slow snap, where people are killing stranger and/or beloved famiy members.

I can’t stand the fact that I feel so helpless,  to help innocent others retain their lives,  to pursue their lives, in a society that should value the sanctity of human life, above all else, but that total strangers and/or loved ones could provide the biggest threat to one’s life.

I’m heartbroken, because as little as I have to offer as a parent, and also as an activist, no one will take me seriously, when I try to ring the alarm, that while actual weapons of mass destruction whether it be a gun, bomb or an airplane, to name a few,  with an unstable operator who wants to kill people, that the biggest threat to our safety that I am able to see, is a smartphone and social media, and the addiction of them.

I remember being, I think in 7th grade, I know it was in junior high, when I saw the move “Absence of Malice”. I know while I don’t remember the storyline, per se, it was about the intention of trying to do harm via libel and the consequences of the perception of that.

That movie, I think was released over 36 years ago, but couldn’t be anymore relevant, in today’s times.

And I’m heartbroken, as while I remember that movie’s INTENT, I dont remember the plot, as well as a million other major life events in my OWN life, let alone a movie.

I can’t believe, and it’s bigger than myself and or any of my beliefs, the lack of regard of human life and feelings in another human being, by many others.

Even though there is many decent human beings who care about one another.

That while my life, so small, so abnormal while being not abhorrent, my legacy as it stands right now, is someone who got fat again, before a gastric bypass reversal, when having an epic breakdown.

That’s it. And while I could just dissapear in today’s society, as I loathe social media and I fear it, and I’m on it, so for all intentions, I have “dissapeared” because of my lack of social media presence, that I am still compelled, to be somewhat present, in public, or at least on the internet, as a blogger,and to be honest, for what is the ugliest of my life and of others, that goes beyond that, in hopes to do greater good for other human beings, in ANY manner that I’m capable of doing greater good.

And that of course, is motivated by trying to do the right thing, as an activist, given my spectacular failures as a mother, so that what we went through, wasn’t in vain.

Or that people don’t go through awful struggles and devastating life circumstances, without a support system, like I did.

But that doesn’t get brought up in my personal online life, as much as getting fat or staying heavy after a gastric bypass and a gastric bypass reversal.

And NO matter how much I try to fight that legacy, that we should live in a society, that values the sanctity of human life and the right of individual pursuit of personal growth, happiness and the right to a safe life, that doesn’t mean anything to another, if they wish to cause us emotional and/or physical harm and/or fatality.

The reason why I fear social media so much has both a simple and/or complex answers.

The sort of  simple but still complex answer is, that it encourages impulsive behavior in people, that could be at best, a deterrent to another’s happiness, even if it’s unintentional.

I’m not saying though, I don’t see the good that social media brings.

Whether it be a celebrity who pays off a fan’s mortgage or student’s loan. among many things we’ve seen that where social media has served greater good.

But, the various social media platoforms, simutaneously both encourages the best and worst of humankind.

So while it can be heartening to see both celebrities and others do common good, there’s a lot of bad that goes with it.

Whether it be feeding in one’s instaneous need to hatefully call out others. And to quite a few, social media, dehumanizes other humans, because they are being regarded through a digital lens, that somehow uniquely to predators and/or haters, that they aren’t worthy of common consideration at best, but at worst, they aren’t worthy of being allowed to live their lives with health, safety and peace of mind.

And I don’t think that I’m overreacting, as an activist, when seeing so many cases where in domestic violence situations, where people are not just killing those they love and/or hate.

But regardless, they are horrifically murdering their children, who get caught in the crossfire of a relationship ending badly or for any and all inexplicable reasons, devoid of any ration or ration when it’s needed most.

Or you have children who are tragically killing a parent or a friend, because they can’t react appropriately, to being told NO or something they don’t like. Whether it be  a child and/or teen isn’t allowed to have a party or a child kills another peer in what they feel is an action that shows some kind of rejection, and that leads to rage induced irrovocable behaviors, such as murder/s.

My kind of activism lends to the bottom line of asking “WHY”.

While I can tell a bariatric peep not to blame themselves for example, if they are in some kind of mixed medical/mental health crisis, that their complications are not necesarily their fault and/or of their surgeons and they “why” won’t help them, as far as seeking acute professional attention, so that their lives can be saved, the “why” does play a part.

Of course it does, as far as the “why”, it can not only help from tragedy happening, it can help from history repeating itself, even if the life threatning symptoms are alleviated, it can help from non weight related self sabotaging behaviors from occuring over and over again, that might happen, when someone unnecessarily thinks in the case of an adverse bariatric surgical outcome, that they’re  to blame, for life threatening complications (even when their surgeons aren’t)  when they’re not.

That kind of perspective, such as examining the “why” can help, whether or not a human being is bariatric patient or NOT.

It can help help from a perspective of WHY tragedy happens.

It can help from trying to prevent self sabotaging behaviors, of many kinds, of interfering in one’s ability to find inner peace and a balanced life, regardless of socio-economics and other factors.

The problem is, and it’s not a problem, it’s a CRISIS, that when people hurt, if not kill themelves and/or  another human being, the “why” matters.

The intention of whether or not malice, is present, matters

Whether it be in the case, of my writings of blogs, as of late, whether it be a pastor who drove drunk and killed, I’m assuming, very unintentionally, locally,  that went viral , a 911 operator when driving drunk, last week.

Malice matters, when trying to prevent school or any kind of massacres, whether it be in Parkland, Sandy Hook, Orlando, Las Vegas, San Bernadino or Columbine, to name a few school (and other)  massacres, even though the motives of the person/s commiting the massacres may VARY, and vary widely.

Malice, and/or absence of it, matters greatly, when a mother who has an MSW and should know crisis resources, still kills her baby, her husband and herself, which happened 2 weeks ago.

Or a week later, when a mother kills her husband, her 2 adult children and herself , executing them, by shooting them in the head, when feeling rejection, as it’s been rationalized in the news, right or wrong , when being shunned from her house of worship and/or religious faith.

Talking about why these tragedies occur, as painful and complex as it is, whether or not malice is involved and/or the “why” of them, will NOT  necessarily prevent ALL of them from occuring.

But isn’t it worth a mention, if maliciousness and/or an abscence of it, as well as the “why”, necessary, to at least try and prevent at least  some of them?

I’m not a clinically trained professional. I’d like to know though, where are the clinically trained professionals, to try and say something  and/or help do something, in the hopes of prevention of all these horrific tragedies from happening over and over again, even, though they definitely aren’t to blame, for these tragedies occuring, over and over again.

Because I loathe, as a non clinically trained professional, that I have NO answers or solutions, I’m just trying to be a part of the dialogue, in hopes for prevention of all these tragedies, and while it may be unrealistic to think that all of them can be prevented, we need to at least TRY to prevent some of them.

SO sadly, I have way more questions,  than I do answers.

It would be comforting, to hear from those who have answers (i.e. clinically trained professionals in abnormal/trauma psychology) , or at least an idea,  about the ugliness of human life, that can end human life, if not hamper other’s right to be at least psychologically balanced, happy and healthy, to try and say, what they think is going on here and what, if anything, can be done to prevent all these tragedies that end in loss of human life .

Note: I welcome constructive feedback. I’m kindly asking if someone does NOT have constructive feedback, to not comment. Thanks.

Editorial Note: Clarification, 15 minutes after publishing this blog. I shouldn’t have assumed that nature of the blog, would be clear.

But it’s not something I could’ve said, whether or not people intend to do harm, both fatal and extreme psychological duress, there is sometimes instances where malice is apparent and malice is absent.

But point I’m trying to make, is both intention, whether or not there is an absence of malice, the “why”, matters greatly and is worthy of further discussion, in hopes of prevention of these tragedies.

I shouldn’t have though, assumed that people would construe that, just by the nature of the blog, so while I’m not sorry for what I said, and how many words, it took to say it, I AM sorry, that I wasn’t clearer.

Again, my apologies for not clearly stating above clarification. Thanks….

What CRAZY really looks like…


Warnings/Disclaimers: While this a blog is more personal, than to achieve any type of activism goal, as a medical/mental health activist blogger, I will ALWAYS, if it’s relevant, implore,, if someone themselves or another, suspects or is  in crisis, them to seek clinically/professional trained assistance in medical/mental health facilities or by calling emergency services/911. Blog is slightly on the ranty side of a mission statement for greater good and is almost 2000 words and I’m showing if nothing else, I’m a horribly incompatible in the Twitter age.

My very first blog on here, is similarly titled to this blog.

If someone would tell me in 2008, where it was very unlikely due to my own medical and mental health crises that I’d survive them, let alone have anything more to fear, once that happened, well I’d think that’s INSANE.

However…. NO ONE would have to go through the same crises which are so unusual for a person like me (OK, ANYONE) , who was a productive member of society, had a bizarre combination of privilege, challenges and adversity, to say that life is way different than we could’ve ever imagined, of how people relate to one another, on a daily basis.

I get that as far as I’m concerned, that I’m not living any more of a life that’s of absence of abnormal, but there’s nothing abhorrent about it, as unintentional as it was, 10 years ago.

And because in my very private very reclusive life, where not only do I still metaphorically “wear my heart on my sleeve”, I do the same with my disabilities.

I don’t feel the need tomake things or myself “pretty” when I don’t feel that way.

I know the difference even with disabilities that being bluntly honest, in situations that I have to, as an activist, and as someone who people email me when they’re in medical and mental health crisis and I have something to offer in helping them get through that, that things don’t need to be either pretty, new and/or  shiny, to make a difference.

What’s needed to make a difference is to have EMPATHY.

An understanding and/or desire to try and see other people’s differences in their beings and opinions and as long as they aren’t hurtful or harming, try to understand them, better, even if you don’t believe in the same ideology.

That people need to destigmatize mental health issues and create initiatives so that people don’t continue to hurt and harm themselves, if not others, not knowing how to deal with feelings of rejection and rage, and not being taught how to process it, in the best interest for everyone’s best chance of continuing to having a life that can be somewhat positively balanced and is best to each individuals potential.

That above paragraph, wasn’t or just isn’t a bunch of words. And it can’t happen right now in our society, that’s so divided, distracted and only has empathy for ONLY things or people that they care about having a positive outcome.

That to me is CRAZY. And for someone like me, who did a “residency” in Mental Health without ever taking an MCAT, even  knows that.

Other people who I know who are mentally ill and also could never be violent, who’s mental health issues have origins in genetic, environmental/circumstantial  (i.e. lifelong bullying and/or abuse and/or violence) may not be able to identify why they aren’t violent, they just aren’t,  but also aren’t aware of their barriers that prevent them from participating in society fully.

Just like people who are potentially, currently or eventually psychological and physical health and life hazards, who don’t know that, may be the epitome of physical, personal and professional success on Insta,  but either are sociopaths and or could snap and there’s more people like that, than most people would like to think.

While I don’t like feeling “scared and aware” all the time, as it applies to me, I’ve lived my life, maybe there’s hope to change my legacy from what it is, where I’m a reclusive activist who helps people when I can and doesn’t bother people, when I can’t.

But what it is becoming UNBEARABLE and so unacceptable to me, is that the masses are too divided and so set on being more right than respectful, when trying to come together so that kids don’t get killed from going to school, people don’t have to worry about dying, when a co-worker gets fired and no one has to worry about losing their life and/or those of they love the most, when going though a breakup or a divorce.

In all this tragedy of late, I’m trying to find the good in people and the good people. It shouldn’t be that kids who had to survive a horrific massacre, their families and community are trying to come together, are showing our resilience in the wake of deadly tragedy, but sadly nothing will get done, because we are in insane position, that and I’m choosing my words, VERY carefully, that compromise can’t be found within the NRA, Congress and our President, it’s just easier for most of the masses to agree that “mentally ill” people shouldn’t have a gun, not realizing that most, if not ALL people, have some traits or form of mental illness or mental health distress, it’s impossible not to, in the digital age.

But that no civilian needs or should feel entitled to a semi or automatic weapon whether or not they’ve been diagnosed, because even with a horrifying shooting that involved  a Republican congressman getting shot last year, their gun positions are probably not going to change, even with an 18th school shooting that tragically killed 17 people.

The ONLY way to rightfully make positive necessary lifesaving change is to VOTE for it.

I can only say what I feel, with intent to do greater good and put that out there, as a reclusive activist/blogger.

I can say that as many regrets that I daily live with and have shared openly and honestly, that as much as I wish I could’ve been the best mother to raise my children to adulthood, to be a financially stable single mother who should’ve been a successful small business owner, that I’m not completely ashamed of my life, as ugly as it is or looks sometimes.

Because as crazy as that sounds, and as sorry as I am, for things, I’m not sorry that I played things to the best of my ability. That I used my personal and humiliating failures, hopefully (and actually, as I have saved people’s lives which I’m loathing to have to repeat as it sounds self serving) for a greater good. That I don’t covet something that I didn’t rightfully earn. But that I believe that certain things like housing, should be affordable, for people and that all people have food to eat and aren’t homeless and should have health insurance, should be like a human right.

That while I could never be a moral compass for anyone, I’m not a lying cheating hypocrite, either.

I’m not an angel though, either. That I can defend myself with words, sometimes strong and sometimes intentional to be hurtful, when people don’t have my best interest at heart or those of others, who don’t have a voice.

And  I’m painfully aware of my flaws and barriers.

But I know how to show gratitude, I can give a compliment and I know and give an earnest heartfelt apology, when it’s due, too.

I know this is getting to be  a way wordy blog. And unfortunately for me, someone who does NOT want to lose privacy, so I don’t strive for a large social media following, nor would I want to have a lot of influence.

But I can say this, and I know this was wordy, but asking yourself the below, is one of the major points of this blog, so think about this and ask yourself it, if nothing else:

1. Are you personally a better person when no one is looking, than you were 10 years ago?

2. Do you feel inherently safer or less safe with people of all socio-economics now, than you did 10 years ago?

Whether they be strangers, family or friends?

3. Do you know and is it congruent, with others thoughts of oneself, of knowing your strengths and your weaknesses and feeling like you can share both in equal measure, in circumstances that are appropriate?

Lastly, what I’m about to say is without malice but is imperative to this blog and my intent.

To me what’s crazy, horrifying and heartbreaking, is not just potential serial killers and people who want to commit massacres in schools, it’s about the impulse control and the inability to have empathy, gratitude or the ability to apologize of ONE  individual that currently has residences in NYC, D.C and Florida.

While I TOTALLY understand him, on not like warm Diet Coke, that urks me, too and he’s not to blame for EVERYTHING that’s wrong or bad in society, he’s shown who he is for and that his himself, ONLY, by any means necessary.

The consequences of his utter failures of a human being, let alone a world leader, when he’s a walking and golfing DSM V with legs in a suit,  now, to me the most crazy thing of all. EVER….

So people may want to mull  that over while fighting about taking the rights of gun ownership, to start,  from a population of people who may not want to ever own one, who would never hurt another person, where people could use more caution on how they label, limit and libel a group of people  and maybe people should be asking how a person who’s a barf inducing at a a bare minimum, buffet of depravity, ran a political campaign, motivated by revenge, got elected to begin with, and still remains in position of power to due so much more harm isn’t getting impeached, let alone has NEVER had to learn the hard way or by consequences of their own wrong doing, EVER.

If anyone would’ve told me 10 years ago that this would be possible, this is just beyond crazy, this is abhorrently abnormal and insanity.

This is sadly though, what CRAZY really looks like……

Other than the fact that I’m thinking of actually running for President, now.

Like being the first really unattractive heavyset Jewish openly medically, cognitively and mentally disabled female candidate to run for President, cause like I’m kinda of in the mindset, go big or stay home where I can be my reclusive self and I’m not sure yet, but I’m giving it consideration, and while that may sounds crazy, it isn’t anywhere near total craziness and the constitutional and conscience crisis we’re all in now…

But I’ll discuss that in my next blog!!!!

Seriously, I’m actually thinking of doing that, I figure my disabilities can be accommodated in a lot of “executive time”.

Note: I will not publish anything that’s not constructive. I was clear when I was stating an opinion and clear when I was stating a fact. If one can’t have a stance to “agree to respectfully disagree”, then you’re not welcome here.

As while I’d like our country to be run  like an inclusive democracy and while  my blog is not a dictatorship, I’m way okay with the few rules I have for those who read and respond back to me, in my own personal internet spaces, like my blog.

However, some of the people I love, respect and adore the most, voted and still support “45”, was not my intention to be hurtful to them but I’m also not sorry for what I said in this blog, either.

Hopefully we can “respectfully agree to disagree” and be apathetic versus hateful on what divides us if we can’t find common ground … Thanks!!!!

Another gentle reminder, when to and when NOT to bring up Mental Illness and massacres…

Disclaimers: I’m very sensitive, as well as heartbroken, for the tragic loss of lives that occurred this week, 2 of them I’ve blogged about in the last week,  alone.

I’m NOT a clinically trained medical, mental health, law enforcement or public safety.
I will always implore people, if they or someone they know, is or suspects to be in crisis, is potentially a danger to themselves or others,  to contact 911 and/or seek appropriate  emergency treatment from clinically trained professionals in an appropriate acute facility.

I know there’s a lot of people who DO NOT want to hear this today.

I don’t want to have to say this, today, but it’s important in the conversations that need to be discussed on reducing the horrifying rates that people, innocent children and adults are being killed  in their homes, their schools and their workplaces.

As well as in their places of worship, hospitals and on the street.

In my blog late last week, I blogged about a mother, who when suffering postpartum psychosis, shot her 3 month baby, her husband and then herself, to death.

That St. Louis mother, was a well respected woman in her community. She volunteered with disadvantaged  people in need. She participated in her church and had a Masters in Social Work, where for reasons that may never be known, of why she horrifyingly  killed her baby, husband and herself with a gun she obtained legally, other than postpartum depression was used in an article, but there’s a difference between postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis but neither should be stigmatized.

The other blog, was the one I wrote yesterday was  about a vile young man, who laid in wait, when filled with irrational deadly rage, attempted to execute as many innocent people as possible, in the horrifying high school mass shooting that happened in Parkland, Florida, yesterday .

I’m not trying to add more devastation and sadness, I like most people,  whether they have mental health diagnoses or not, cannot and will not  EVER  understand, how people can hurt another person with any kind of violence, let alone kill someone.

But I do have mental health issues. Mid late in life diagnosed non aggressive/non violent mental health issues (I can be mean at times, with words, when provoked, but on the defense and I don’t engage in every argument that I’m invited to, either).

I’ve been honest since my first blog on here, on how in both medical and mental health  crisis, I did try to get help, when I could see that I was heartbreakingly, humiliating and so unintentionally subjecting my children due to neglect and the price my children, family and I paid, as a result, of getting no where when trying to access safety nets that are supposed to prevent things that happened to my family, from happening.

I talk about it, so what my children, who are doing great while not because of me, but not despite me, either, so that it doesn’t happen to other families who fell through the cracks, like we did, as I love my children more than anything and anyone, and I wish every day for the last decade I could change what happened, but I can’t.

And it has saved other people’s lives by going public with my medical and mental health issues.

I’m NOT saying that to be self serving.

I get that the abnormality of my life, in not having responsibilities like most people my age, is shocking, what led to that is shocking, but I have tried, so  that we didn’t go through all of that in vain, for those who’ve experienced similar medical and mental health crises, falling through the cracks that are in the system, and with no social support.

The danger though that I fear, is when people, who are so shocked and saddened by such a horrifying tragedy that leads to multiple deaths due to shootings, in a home or a school DO NOT take the time to differentiate the difference between those with diagnosed mental heath conditions that would make them NO MORE LIKELY OR AT RISK to commit any kind of acts of violence, let alone depraved, cowardly, hateful and horrific premeditated mass murders or any kind of depraved inhumane acts of violence.

As much inroads that have been made, to try to destigmatize mental illness, it can be lost in the wake of these horrifying tragedies, but not knowing the difference, can also lead to loss of life and loss of freedom, in people who could and would NEVER ever commit any kind of crime, let alone an act  of violence.

I’m 48 years old. I’ve never seen a gun up close nor touched one. I would never own one. I believe strongly in gun reform initiatives, NOW.

I just believe that an honest and open dialogue about de-stigmatizing mental health, while it wouldn’t have made much of a difference as it applied to someone who heinously planned to execute as many people as possible, with an assault rifle, like in the massacre that happened yesterday,  he should’ve NEVER been cleared to get, regardless of backround checks which no civilian needs an assault rifle or other similar firearms in that category , nor was that thought of when our forefathers over  240 years ago, gave the people,  a constitutional right to bear arms.

But it is possible,  that a non judgemental open extensive and inclusive dialogue about mental health, could’ve made a difference, in the mother with postpartum psychosis who cared enough about people at one time, to do the good she did, but she and her family paid the ultimate price in the stigma that surrounds mental health, especially as it applies to mothers, with mental health issues, whether they know they have them or not.

We won’t know, but I don’t think we’ve tried to remove that kind of stigma, hard enough, openly and honestly, in hopes of those in need being able to get help or for others to recognize warning signs to possibly help prevent those kind of tragedies.

I’ve done the best I can, not ever knowing the grief that too many people have now had to bear due to senseless gun violence. It’s something that more people will die, just as senselessly, if action isn’t taken, immediately.

Gun reform, has to happen, NOW.

But it’s disheartening to see, because of the grief and terror these tragedies can cause that we don’t lose sight, that other weapons or items that are utilized other than guns, can be cause of mass casualties in civilians, if we don’t have the important dialogue about mental health and appropriate initiatives in place to monitor, evaluate, treat and prevent if possible, from mass casualties happening, in those who are diagnosed and those who are NOT, without honest open dialogue on mental health and mental illness in respect to guns and gun control, but with any kind of weapon or means that can cause mass fatalities by someone who’s mentally ill AND violent, or those who snap, and has no respect for the sanctity of human life.

At a minimum, BOTH, if not MORE  initiatives have to happen NOW.

This doesn’t have to be an either or situation. You can rightfully and respectfully demand gun control initiatives NOW, but also demand the conversations and initiatives that need to be in place, to monitor, evaluate, treat/rehabilitate and/or prevent these horrific mass casualties from happening over and over again, regardless of weapon of choice.

As well as initiatives that comprehensively support the loved ones who are lost or injured when tragedies like this take place.

Note: I am open to constructive dialogue. I purposely stay away most of the time, from social media, for many reasons, which doesn’t make me any better or any worse than anyone else.

Point I’m trying to make, requiring and/or a respectful dialogue and demand of action, is constructive.

The epic fights that tend to happen almost over everything, but especially in a topic of this importance, doesn’t help anyone. You can maintain a stance of agreeing to respectfully disagree and or show apathy, if you don’t agree with someone’s point of view (that’s rational)  and or just not engage with those of not of like minded as oneself.

Trying to fight horrific violence with vitriolic verbiage in sound bites on multiple social media platforms,  may not lead to violence, but it hampers from people uniting as quickly as we need to be,  to get what needs to be done to prevent these horrific tragedies, even though they aren’t to blame for them, OK?

Just please try to remember the commonality of purpose, which is to save lives, could be done more expediently, without the squabbling if not hateful rhetoric on multiple sides that occurs both on and off social media and due to politics.

And this may not mean much, but as a disabled activist, because I cannot blog about this topic anymore, where it would be constructive, I can get away in some cases with saying things that other people can’t, without consequence.

So for those of you, who while may believe in due process, I’m still glad prematurely, that Florida has the death penalty.

It just makes me sad, that should the killer who I don’t want to name or talk about, after today, should he get that, will possibly die more humanely, than the innocent people he slaughtered, horrifically physically and emotionally harmed yesterday and that makes me a tiny bit sad, and slightly hypocritical, as it applies to his evil waste of life,but I can live with myself, in the respect of my  NOT  having ANY empathy for mass murderers, rapists and pedophiles. I have a lot a of empathy for lots of populations of people, just not those people, but I think their histories bear importance, if there’s any chance in them not being repeated, but only to an extent where it serves the greater good of people.

Please keep comments if you should have any, constructive. Thanks…

And one last thing, I know this was really wordy, but this isn’t something that can be discussed in a sound bite. I happened to not catch others making similar observations like I have, that could help, if you know of those who have, but done so, more concisely, please let me know. Thanks.


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