It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for December, 2015

And YOU get a FREE Weight Watchers membership, and YOU get a…Um, NEVERMIND

Nope….

SORRY, NO free Weight Watchers membership for YOU,  with Oprah Winfrey, who’s now a 10% owner of Weight Watchers.

INSTEAD, you get a scoop of soulful prose that if you pay close attention to what she’s implying, is that woman’s power, is about her body , ONLY if it’s at a weight that considered acceptable i.e thin and fit, in our weight and fat obsessed  society and in our  beauty.

And the only way for a woman to get her power back, is to join her on her journey to being powerful by joining Weight Watchers.

I’ve made brief mentions of Oprah before in my blog about the fighting I do with myself, because while  I admire her enormously, I have from the very start, in the late 1980’s, when I’d have a chance to catch her show. She was primarily responsible for my getting A’s in my college Speech class in the early 1990’s , because she had to put up with weight bias on top of everything else,and most of my speeches were either personal weight bias I experienced and/or other celebrities, Oprah being on top of the list. I didn’t just get an “A” in the class, I got a freaking “A” in EVERY speech.

Then seeing a woman, that against all the odds and adversity  because in so many ways she’s done an amazing amount of good while she became super successful,  with integrity and she’s done a lot of greater good with that success and the money she made. Or initially she did, when she started becoming uber successful.

She taught us, that despite gender, race and so many odds stacked against her,  people can rise above an enormous amount of adversity and achieve an enormous amount of success with hard work.

This is the ONLY problem that I have with Oprah. But it’s a HUGE problem that I have with her, if you’ll pardon the horrible pun. And I’m not the only body diversity activist to have this problem. She’s  made an enormous amount of money, in trying to sell weight loss.

I can understand the personal struggle with weight. But if the only takeaway  that some of us can get and she’s mostly responsible for that, is that no matter what any woman achieves, that she’s lessened in a major way due to what society and the media, considers a female body to be of excess weight, in the end that will denigrate any other accomplishment we/they/she  may have achieved, herself included.

It’s just all that influence she has. If Oprah Winfrey would say that she found by sniffing cow manure that it resulted as an appetite suppressant that led to weight loss and she was selling it, 10 million people would buy it,  for $29.99 plus s/h, it would sell out in 17 seconds and about 15 million people would be waiting impatiently, while it being on backorder.

I’m not anti-diet like most of my Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance peers. I’m even supportive of weight loss surgery, which is really UNLIKE my SA/FA peers.

In my Certified Personal Training days, Weight Watchers would probably have been the only diet I would’ve endorsed. Even though I couldn’t stand the obsessiveness in their community when I would join Weight Watchers before I had my gastric bypass.

I did think it carried some credibility as a decent diet, compared to a lot of diets,  because it didn’t demonize any one food group.

But that was 11 years ago. I think their prepackaged food tastes like crap, and there is something  that I find off-putting about their approach to recruit and retain clients , both then and now.

While some of my  weight loss surgery /WLS peeps are militant with how they feel about their particular tool for weight loss, being the best and a lot of those in the WLS community are obsessive about their dietary intake, too, I couldn’t stay in the Weight Watchers community because it was demoralizing to get harped on for a small amount of weight loss or a 1/2 lb of weight gain.

The difference is, that the WLS community, you have to be at a higher weight to get a surgical intervention. Weight Watchers wants to profit on anyone who wants to lose weight, even if they aren’t overweight to begin with. I had a friend who was 5’8 and 140 and wanted to lose weight after going through a bad breakup, a few years ago. She didn’t need to lose 20 lbs, and it was difficult for her, to burn fat she didn’t have. That didn’t mean she wasn’t encouraged to see her goal through.

Thank goodness she ended up getting into therapy and quit Weight Watchers, right after that.

But while I’m regressing, this is the point I want to make. Oprah has an amazing amount of influence on people. To lump all people together saying that they are being brought down by their weight, not only is it NOT true, but for those who are insecure about their weight, doing this at the end of the year, while a brilliant marketing move on her part, it’s horrible from an integrity stand point, to make people feel that they are qualified by their weight., first and foremost.

Your body, your life, as far as if you feel  a need to lose weight and how you lose weight. But if your only takeaway of what defines  your success the most, can only be reflected on the scale, the size of your clothes and how thin and beautiful you look on social media, and Oprah endorses this kind of thinking, it’s not only infuriating, it’s a terribly sad reflection on our society. And on Oprah Winfrey, in my not so humble opinion.

Just saying…Your power  and value as a person  or in this case, as this is being marketing to and by a woman, doesn’t have ONE thing, to do with your weight and don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.

Even if it’s one of the most powerful women, if not people on the planet, who should know better, who’s telling you this. OK?

I  already apologize in advance, of the weight loss advertisements, this blog might very unintentionally will bring upon you. Just try to remember going into a new year, there will be a lot of advertising that counts on women feeling bad about themselves. You don’t have to emotionally or financially buy into, OK.

Note: Again, I’m not being pro or anti weight loss with this blog. I defend peoples right to lose weight and also not to lose weight for any reason. So no need to get hate of any kind, just for expressing an opinion, which is a lot less dangerous than the ideology she’s spewing in her newest advertisement for Weight Watchers.

Also note: Blog edited on 12-31-2015 and I’m going to re-blog it as a result. It didn’t make the point that was intended, because I was SO upset after seeing the ad Oprah made, featured above, that I digressed too much for my point to be clear.

Not to mention, while I’ll publish a respectful difference in opinions, hateful ones, will NOT be published……

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New Year’s Resolutions: Do you make them? Why or why not?

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I haven’t made a New Year’s Resolution since I had my Gastric Bypass in December of 2001. I still made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, because I honestly believed that my surgery wouldn’t work. And even though it did, both short term (even though the 1st 30 lbs that I lost, the 1st month I had surgery was NOT noticeable, by the 2nd month, it was noticeable) and I went on to lose more weight, exceeding weight loss and fitness goals I never thought I’d achieve, let alone thought were possible, as well as complications and major regain issues, which are in other blogs of mine, in greater detail.

This again, is NOT an “anti-wls” blog.

I normally though don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions and I haven’t made them since  New Year’s Eve of 2001. Doesn’t mean that  I don’t have life goals, because I do. Even now that I’m more complex disabled than I ever dreamed and am not living the live I set out to, in 2002, when my life was better than I could’ve dreamed possible as well as becoming a horrific disaster that I could’ve never imagined.

If the picture above has any relevance to me, it’s that some of them have been recent life goals for me. I did lose 50 lbs in the last 14 months. I did make fitness goals that I exceeded. Which was to walk 15 miles in one day. I actually was achieving another goal, which was to travel out of state, and I did that when I went to Las Vegas in  late September/early October of 2015. And I exceeded that walking goal, on Halloween of 2015, when I got over 16 miles of walking in, in one day.

Part of the reason why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, is that they don’t usually work for me. And when I fail at them, it makes me feel worse, which usually leads to other  self destructive behavior and self esteem problems, that have a tendency to make life worse for me, not better.

I’m not saying they can or cannot work for others, I’m just talking about myself. That I have to make an effort to improve my life, when my life dictates it’s needed. Not by a calendar or holiday that the only significance it should have, is that any new day, we can start over or make changes that will improve our own lives and/or the lives of others.

Because when it comes to issues regarding self improvement, the only person I really feel the need to be accountable to, is to myself. But because that doesn’t always work in areas of my life, that I’m working on, I am doing better of asking support when I need it, with like minded individuals, such as in matters of weight and fitness, but I’m also continuing to strive for balance, so I can’t get too caught up on weight /eating issues (and another specific blog to that, will be written shortly about that).

I do have new goals for 2016. Some of them are not likely to happen, such as going further west than Las Vegas this year, such as wanting to go to California, ideally Los Angeles or San Diego, which I had wanted to, last year, but couldn’t afford it as I’d like to see the Pacific Ocean, as well as feel it, before I die or become more disabled.

I’d like to get 20 miles of walking in one day, in this upcoming new year. I’m planning on evaluating why this former Certified Personal Trainer, who still does have weight loss goals and fitness goals and knows the importance of strength training, of why I’m not doing that already, as I know it would help. And I know it’s a form of self sabotage, as I still do that with food (again, will be discussing that more in my next blog).

I’m most certainly as a Size/Fat Acceptance advocate and activist, NOT trying to trigger those who have issues with our societies’s obsession with weight and fitness. But I have to be true to myself, both personally and as well as the fact, some people do find it helpful to know that people can lose weight after major regain issues, whether or not they have had bariatric surgery. That’s why with some reluctance, I’m going to post a “before and current” picture collage of myself.

image
(
pic furthest to the left, 9/2001, 2nd to the left 7-2005, 2nd to the right, 10/2009, furthest to the right, 12-2-2015, on my 46th birthday and 3 days before the 14th “anniversary” of my gastric bypass which was 12-5-2001)

I’m still working on being a better activist. And I’m hoping to achieving other areas I’d like to do activism and advocacy for. I’m still evaluating of whether or not I’d like to  purchase the internet domain for both “unstapledlisa” and my business I’d like to re-purpose for “Not Your Typical Old Maid”, which was the name of my business that I was going to launch when I was going to start my business in 2005, as a Certified Personal Trainer, Bariatric Coach (both weight loss surgery and non weight loss surgery specific and with the intention of doing this both locally and nationally). as well as I was going to sub-specialize in adaptive and rehabilitative personal training, even for those who didn’t have weight loss of any kind as a goal.

But I had felt about fitness,  at that time, as well as currently, that it could help people be in better physical and mental health, that wasn’t all weight or eating related. Even though this was before I was diagnosed with my mental health issues, I  had already realized that what people’s “best health” could look like varies drastically between us, for many complex reasons.

I’m still working on but do fairly well, for someone who does have Bipolar 2, of finding middle ground in how I live my life, with balance. As sometimes Bipolar for me, and I’m not mocking it, in any way, is not just a mood disorder and a personality disorder, but a lifestyle, but I’m really good at not habitually abusing myself with any thing, substance or person, and I’m trying to work on, which will always be a work in progress.

I’m trying all of this, of course, for many reasons. On top of the list, is to be a better example for my almost 13 year old daughter. As I get more disabled, the likelihood of my having the relationship I’d ideally want, full time, with my daughter, becomes less likely, as I get more disabled. But it’s still important that I still continue to try as hard as I can, that I show more than in just words, but in actions, of doing things to make my daughter and  my adult son have something to be proud of me for, as well as the rest of my family.

But I also realize the importance of having a need of all this self improvement and self esteem work and growth, be for myself. In my case, I never thought of myself, as other bariatric patients (or anyone who’s overcame something that was a major life struggle, whether it be weight related or not), who think of themselves as a “new and improved” or different person.

I’m not saying that can’t work for a lot of others. It just doesn’t work for me. It’s in my best interest, to look at myself as the “same girl” with different circumstances and a different way of coping with them, but trying to act more in being the best I can, with the complex disabilities that I have.

In addition to working on my relationship with my self, I do also want to work on my relationships with others. Whether or not it’s constructive to add new friendships/relationships and evaluating and coming to a resolution of what relationships are not in my best interest, going forward.

And finally,  continuing on trying to make my peace with my past, and celebrate who and what was the best things to happen to my life, as well as not dwell on what was the worst parts of my life.

Here are my questions for discussion for my dear readers, if they choose to participate (I do ask because I am a Size/Fat Acceptance and soon to be more of a Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disordered blogger and activist) you frame your answers being specific to what’s best for you in your life. I will allow for my bariatric peeps, as some of them do believe in the work they do to combat Obesity, some leeway, but please realize your answers could be possibly be triggering to another reader of mine, so please try to be respectful of that. Also you can be as specific and as vague as you like if that would be in your best interest.

1. Do you make New Year’s Resolutions or life goals at any time of the year? Why or why not? What kind have you made and have you kept them? What was the most significant life changing New Years or life goal resolution you ever made?

2. If you make New Year’s Resolutions and/or life goals, does it help you to be specific and have a time table? Or does it work better for you if you don’t do that?

3. For those who are working on losing weight, do you find it helpful to do that with a support of a like minded on and/or off community. Do you find that it’s more helpful or hurtful to have losing weight as a single minded focus, or do you find it’s easier and or better for you, to do that as one component in improving one’s life, physically, mentally and emotionally?

4. For those who are triggered by our global obsession with fat, food and fitness, what do you do both around the new year and well every day, to get you less triggered by all the talk about the importance of weight loss, food intake and fitness. Or the fact that people generally consider those of larger size, unhealthy, how do you avoid getting hurt by that, personally? What would you like to say if you had a captive audience, of how hurtful that can be to another?

5. As far as the picture featured on top of the blog, are there any of them that you are working on? If some of them are something you’ve already achieved, how did you do that. What are you struggling with, the most? And do you realize those are only suggestions of areas that people can find happiness with making resolutions. That one is more likely to achieve a goal, when they do so because they want to feel better about themselves, not because they feel terrible about themselves.

If you can’t discuss either what I’ve said or the questions above, in a forum, like this, it still may help to ask yourself these questions and answer them, privately. Either internally or with people that you trust.

I’m wishing you all, a happy, healthy and wonderful new year. For those who are struggling, know that you aren’t alone and help is there, if you need it. While I ideally recommend professional medical and mental health help, please feel free to reach out to me, either on my blog publicly, privately or via email.

I cannot though stress though, that I, nor anyone on the internet, can help as much as a clinically trained medical and/or mental health provider who evaluates and treats you, in person.  I also have to stress, sometimes it takes trying more than one provider, to find the right help for you.

Note: Any comment that could possibly triggering to another, will NOT be published….

 

You need to get off of Facebook…

“Let’s start by, making it clear, who’s the enemy here and we’ll show them, that it’s NOT them, who’s superior /It’s gonna be bad, it’s gonna be wrong, it’s gonna  feel GOOD……”

Thievery Corporation “Marching the Hate Machines Into The Sun”

I, remember when I first saw the above video, it had to be about 5 years ago, and ironically it had been shared on Facebook, before the era of timeline when people were still sharing things on their wall, if you remember, life on Facebook before timelines.

And while I knew the video had some relevance to me and many others, it was the first time I heard the song played in video and let myself dwell on that, because I wasn’t ready to think I had a MAJOR problem with social media, when I already knew that I did.

SO…. I just concentrated on the music making me feel my manic depressive episodes had a theme song. And nothing else, even though I watch the video, often, in the last 5 years.

That what I just shared  above, will be relevant, it’s just gonna take me like always, a little bit of time and whole bunch of words to make my point.

Now, it also bears mentioning that when I refer to social media, for me, I’m talking about Facebook, as while I’m on Twitter, to link/”promote” my blog,  that I know there’s all kinds of social media, like Imgur, Reddit, etc.

That’s just too much choice in social media,  for my already  foggy, “Bermuda Triangle for a brain” head, though I just kind of have tendency to stick with Facebook, even though I struggle with that, and I DEFINITELY have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why/

I had stumbled on this little gem on Monday of an article, had thought about making it a discussion question on my Facebook timeline, because the takeaway from it, is that most people feel bad about Facebook because it makes them feel inferior and/or that they are jealous.

(I, probably should add, an important nugget of info. I AM an internet addict, I’ve been one since I got a computer almost 20 years ago, and I discovered AOL. Just try to be patient, as I’m gonna EVENTUALLY make a major point. It should also be mentioned after freaking out about all the HATE on Facebook, which I nicknamed “Hatebook”, I  wrote a major rant about all the hate between people online,  as a status update, on Monday night and went offline on Monday night and will not be online much as I really need a break from social media, the news and what the media and Facebook THINKS is newsworthy or relevant, as well as the animosity regarding politics of all kinds, here in the U.S. and on social media, is just more negativity than I can take or deal with)

The biggest problem I have with social media, or as in my case with Facebook, at least as it applies to myself , is not the feeling of jealousy or envy, because in my case, if I’d be jealous over anyone who had an advantage of me, there’s about 99.5% of adults who can drive a car, raise their kids and keep a job and that’s just WAY too many people for me to be JEALOUS of.

So, I didn’t ask any discussion questions on Monday about the article, because I knew it would be hard for others to to answer honestly as well as the whole Facebook turning into Hatebook debacle . And I get why it would be hard to answer questions that people don’t want to ask themselves that the article brings up on the above link, let alone comment on it publicly. That’s if Facebook would even show it in people’s newsfeeds and didn’t think it would, considering the content.

One of the  biggest problems that I have in the era of social media, is the feeling of being manipulated, knowing that I am, and still letting it get to me.

And while Facebook does a great job of manipulating people, they aren’t totally at fault. There wouldn’t be a supply, if there wasn’t a demand.

And manipulating people has been around for a really long time, to sell products, services and ideas, whether it’s  professional or personal manipulation.

Facebook is just one of the BEST at it and the most successful at manipulating others.  While I consider myself a “Google” girl, and I know they do that too, Facebook is way more in your face about it.

If you’ll pardon the horrible pun…..

The problems that people have because of social media or looking for a cure with social media, and human beings when almost everything we need to know  has a digital and/or advanced electronical delivery system is multifaceted and complex. I can hit what I think are biggest issues, and we can go from there.

We’ve sadly though,  become a society of not so closeted social media voyeurs and exhibitionists. People pick and choose about who they care about and who’s just an audience to them, so callously now a days.

There’s already a social media aspect to psychiatry and there’s already a great need for more research in place, of how damaging our dependence on technology, actually is  to ourselves and how we relate to other human beings. Both online and offline.  And how we can evaluate and treat people who have this as a major issue/addiction/obsession in their lives.

I understand I didn’t discover that, the problem is, what to do, when internet and social media addiction isn’t talked about very much.

And it definitely needs to be talked about more, in great detail.

I knew within 2 days of getting a computer, in November of 1996, that I was going to have a major problem with internet addiction, it’s something I rarely talk about, though.

And unlike most junkies, I can handle a non social media aspect of using the internet. Meaning I could take internet breaks (for a couple of days) and I did, from almost the start, of not touching a computer, except at work on Fridays. I still take social media internet sabbaticals, all the time.

I managed not to touch a computer or go anywhere near the internet for an ENTIRE year, after my suicide attempt in August of 2008. While I didn’t have any choice for a little over a month, I did have 11 months where I did have the choice and chose not to. I was too out of it, I knew I was too broken and too vulnerable to be ANYWHERE NEAR A COMPUTER (I didn’t know either, at the time, as I was still too  overly medicated, that people could go online on other devices, let alone knew what Facebook even was, when I came back online in late August of 2009 and joined but was rarely online until early 2010, when I was out of the mh system and not overly medicated, any longer).

The problem is that social media, while has been a major blessing, it’s also had a major negative impact on my life.  Some of that is my fault and or due to my barriers and I own that. But a lot of the issues people have with social media and while their issues vary, the consequences can have a horribly negative impact on our lives.

You’re probably wondering when I’m going to make my point and then when I hit a nerve (if I haven’t already) , either wanna let me have it, so you’ll discount my crappy writing style, my mental health and/or cognitive disabilities, or many of my other faults,  as what I’m saying could NEVER happen to you.

The problem is, if you really do some soul searching, you’ll find that it ALREADY  is a major problem, for a lot of us. Social media addiction and/or (not just for those of us, who already have mental health diagnoses) socially media induced mood and personality problems already DO  exist and are in abundance.

Unfortunately, while I can tell you what the problems could be, I can’t tell you what the CURE is. At least the cure for YOU. I’m not saying NOT go on social media websites, and chances are, that most people who have this as addiction and/or major issue in their lives, don’t have the luxury of NOT being on the internet.

Or more bizarrely, that sadly,  what will possibly and/or most likely  help you will come from the internet, if you finally realize that you have a problem.

I went to use Google for articles on social media addiction, after I started this blog, tonight. Some were articles, some were blogs. While there are some good links and good advice, and I’ll post them, the problem is that, I can’t do that without risking manipulating my readers that way, while I don’t make money from this blog, WordPress does and so does any link that I put on here. But some of the advice dispensed in the links below, could be helpful.

I have to trust that if you realize that you have an internet and/or social media addiction, that you’ll seek “in real life”  professional guidance from a clinically trained professional.

Not real help from a complex disabled blogger. Not from Dr. Drew or Dr. Phil or any of the internet psychological superstars. A real life and offline clinically credentialed professional. Who evaluates and treats you, in person.

I can only  hope that this will start a badly needed dialogue about social media and internet addiction. It’s just kinda messed up , as while I wouldn’t hold an AA meeting in a bar, I wouldn’t hold an OA meeting at a buffet or GA meeting in a casino, that to get a dialogue going, it needs to be done ONLINE.

For those of you who don’t think you have a problem with internet and/or social media addiction, let me ask you the following:

Do you believe you can be you true self, both as you look and who you are on the inside, both online and offline?

Do you dream and/or fantasize  in “social media” and/or Facebook and/or are preoccupied with any certain people on social media, both when asleep and/or awake?

Are you preoccupied with what you are missing online, and/or do others such as family and/or friends, comment on how much you are on social media and/or not paying attention to them when offline because the truth is, you are wondering what and who you are missing online ?

Do you need it explained to you that there’s not much difference between a “half truth” and a whole lie?  Do you ever feel like you’re not your truest self on or offline or worse, you can’t be your authentic self? That NOBODY would like you, if you were your true self?

None of the above questions apply to you? Great, didn’t think so (now I’m choking on my own sarcasm, but I’m honestly trying to help). It’s okay, I  can be the only person out of a BILLION who might have an issue with internet/social media addiction.

Alright, with the sarcasm out of the way, hopefully this will lead to an honest discussion that’s terribly needed.Even though I can’t in good conscience, promote it anywhere.

But if you build it, they will come, RIGHT? Or more  like if you write it they will read it?…

Helpful and honest insight and/or critique is welcomed. As well as discussion for those who realize they have internet/social media addiction and/or depression/obsession  or other problems from social media and/or being online too much.

Anything  comments that could triggering to a reader will NOT be published. Thanks….

Links:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/featured/managing-your-social-network-addiction.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/7-reasons-why-quitting-facebook-now-good-for-your-future.html

http://www.lifehack.org/233325/5-psychological-reasons-you-are-addicted-facebook-and-5-ways-break-the-habit

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/technology/social-media-addiction

My 45th Year, in Review…..

 

As I spend the last day of my being 45, I’m kind of in a pensive mood, not just what’s been good and bad about this year, in particular, but in my life in general.

My 45th year while NOT perfect, as I am getting physically sicker and my pain levels are getting higher (I have persistent severe chronic pain, both localized and widespread)  and my memory is getting worse, was probably the best year I’ve had, in the last 10 years (as far as not fainting , projectile vomiting, falling everyday etc, I still get stuck as far as a really bad health day but when I still was with my children, of whether or not to qualify life being better, now).

And for that I’m grateful, as it’s nothing short of multiple miracles, that I’m still alive.

While I never thought 10 years ago, the little I’ve accomplished, would be such a big deal, I remember what my life was like 6 years ago, and what I was ruminating about on the eve of my 40th birthday, where I still was so sick physically, still in the system and had NO hope and NO happiness. And very little freedom.

As I’ve said before, I didn’t need the learning lessons from 2007 to 2010 to be grateful for what and who I love the most. But it did increase my gratitude for the most basic things, so what I went through wasn’t totally in vain.

I don’t look at myself being in competition with anyone. I’ve finally had to let go of just being in competition with my former self, as I did kick some major ass in multiple ways in my past, and while I’m sad that the best years of my life are over, especially as it applies being a Mother, that I still am trying to live a meaningful life, as much as I’m capable of.

I proved to myself that I’m capable of more than I give myself credit, this year. I exceeded fitness goals that I had set earlier this year. I went to Las Vegas, by myself 2 months ago, and was able to be a little proud of myself, for being able to get around, only being able to count on myself. I realized I deserve good things sometimes, not because I need the distraction, but because I’m not the horrible person so many people have indoctrinated in me, in the past, from the time I was very young.

I wrote more blogs in my 45th year . I also though,  for self preservation took more time off of social media, which is a good thing (I’ll elaborate more about that in an upcoming blog) as while I love the positives of what social media brings to my life, the negatives can be a trigger to depression and anxiety for me, something I’m already prone to having, a lot of, it just can make it even worse.

As I’ve said before, there will always be a a part of me, that has to be rooted in the past, to have the best shot of retain memories (especially my life as a Mother of 2 amazing children) that can’t be explained of why I’m still having problems that are getting worse, with long and short term memory retention,when I’m over 5 years status post gastric bypass reversal.

My complex medical, mental and cognitive disabilities are unfortunately going to ensure that I take a few steps forward and then a few steps, back. And I’m NEVER going to be an eternal optimist, as I’m just not made that way.

But I am trying as hard as I can, to do the best I can, for as long as I’m capable.

Happy 46th birthday eve, ME……

Note: My last blog was written while I was in the middle of writing this one. It could be construed I’m double speaking but I’m really NOT. I can be grateful for my life being better than it was 7-8 years ago, without wanting to live another 60 years.

Lisa1
Above selfie taken on 10-1-2015 @ Stratosphere Hotel and Casino

Would you want to live til 120???

So, it’s the eve of my 46th birthday (which I’m also in the middle of a blog regarding my 45th year) when the following link makes it into my Facebook newsfeed AND causes me to hyperventilate:

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/diabetes-drug-could-let-humans-live-until-120

Good thing, I decided to actually read the link. Thank goodness, I’m violently allergic to Metformin, found that out last year, as while I have an a1c of 3, I was put on it for metabolic issues (I have slow metabolism and hypothyroidism, I’m also violently allergic to Synthroid, which I had tried the year before, last)

Now, it’s nothing short of multiple miracles that I’m still alive. And because I’m a mental health activist who wants to remove stigma regarding suicide and is an advocate for suicide prevention, I need to choose my following words, very carefully.

For those who want to live a really long life and think that as we make strides in medicine for that to happen, is a GOOD thing, more power to you and I hope you get what you want.

I’m not suicidal in any way. So don’t mistake what I’m about to say as wanting to die.

HOWEVER,  I have absolutely NO desire to live a really long life. Both my maternal and paternal grandmothers lived to their late 90’s (Both were 98 at the time of their deaths, to be exact) one died with her memory and faculties intact after a 7 year bout with colon cancer. The other died a year later, having her faculties intact into her early 90’s but had dementia, the last several years that she was alive.

I’m not in any way trivializing those who want to live the longest life possible and/or being pro-suicide when I say that if I had to choose between living another FUCKING 50+ years or dying right now, I’d choose the latter.

In a heartbeat or hopefully, lack of one (PLEASE don’t take this comment as my mocking the seriousness of heart disease, not trying to offend anyone who’s lost a loved one due to heart disease or who’s had to battle it).

I would like to think those who I love the most and love me the most (i.e. my children) , would appreciate that my desire not to live a long life, has absolutely NOTHING  to do with my love for them, and EVERYTHING to do with becoming so bizarrely disabled in my 30’s. At the rate I’m going, I’m most likely going to need full time  care,  in an assisted care facility when I’m 50.

Maybe, I am over-analyzing and over reacting to  one article. But I really wish that while for those who’d benefit from a longer life, get that, that there were more medication options to enhance quality of life, medically, mentally and cognitively , for those  of us who suffer from severe chronic pain and other severe chronic health issues, that may not be acutely fatal, but cause a great reduction in one’s quality of life.

So, I will make this a Question of The Day for my readers. What do you think about the article? Scientifically, do you think it has merit, as Metformin has been around for DECADES and they are just “discovering” this, now? Would you want to live past 100? Why or why not? Do you think it’s selfish to want to live a longer or shorter life, depending on one’s circumstances? Why or why not?

If you choose to answer, you don’t have to answer all the above questions. Just please, as always, make sure that your answers are respectfully from your perspective only, and hopefully because the whole “Obesity” issue with my being both a long term weight loss surgery peer and size acceptance advocate,  can be a trigger for some of my readers, please be mindful of that, while I still defend your right to speak YOUR truth.

It’s just not EVERY one’s…. Thanks………..

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