Disclaimer: Even though this is a personal blog versus a blog doing activism, not knowing the mental state of my readers, and due to the serious nature of what I’m about to discuss, I will always urge those in crisis and/or if someone suspects another that might be in medical/mental health crisis and capable of doing harm to themselves or another, to seek immediate treatment from a clinically trained professional, right away and/or contact 911, immediately.
I didn’t want to write another blog, right now .
I’m NOT okay.
I hate to say and actually resent that I have to say, when saying I’m not okay, that I’m not capable of hurting myself and/or another and/or other’s property.
BUT, I have to say that.
Because, I have diagnosed mental health issues.
And while I feel that we live in a society that people scare me, that I have very little hope, I’m actually TERRIFIED that because I have mental health issues that are diagnosed, that is enough for people not to trust for me, to NOT act in a manner that is harmful to another.
Even though there’s plenty of people who know me well enough to know, that I’m NOT capable of hurting another human being, let alone I’m fully aware of my issues and would never want, nor am I capable of hurting another human being.
But for some reason, I fear that’s not enough. Not because I distrust my own behavior, but because I fear the labeling of my diagnoses.
But truthfully, this isn’t about my diagnoses, medical and/or mental health.
It’s about others, as I’m fully aware of the consequences of my own issues.
I don’t like living a life that’s devoid of hope.
I hate that I live such a small life but that no only is it so small, but that I fear other people.
I can’t stand that the fact I don’t have more hope in other human beings.
Even though that I know that there are truly good people in this world.
But I loathe that we live in a society that whether people lie in wait to kill innocent others, or due to an equally scary but less talked about mental health circumstances, where people are snapping and/or it’s a slow snap, where people are killing stranger and/or beloved famiy members.
I can’t stand the fact that I feel so helpless, to help innocent others retain their lives, to pursue their lives, in a society that should value the sanctity of human life, above all else, but that total strangers and/or loved ones could provide the biggest threat to one’s life.
I’m heartbroken, because as little as I have to offer as a parent, and also as an activist, no one will take me seriously, when I try to ring the alarm, that while actual weapons of mass destruction whether it be a gun, bomb or an airplane, to name a few, with an unstable operator who wants to kill people, that the biggest threat to our safety that I am able to see, is a smartphone and social media, and the addiction of them.
I remember being, I think in 7th grade, I know it was in junior high, when I saw the move “Absence of Malice”. I know while I don’t remember the storyline, per se, it was about the intention of trying to do harm via libel and the consequences of the perception of that.
That movie, I think was released over 36 years ago, but couldn’t be anymore relevant, in today’s times.
And I’m heartbroken, as while I remember that movie’s INTENT, I dont remember the plot, as well as a million other major life events in my OWN life, let alone a movie.
I can’t believe, and it’s bigger than myself and or any of my beliefs, the lack of regard of human life and feelings in another human being, by many others.
Even though there is many decent human beings who care about one another.
That while my life, so small, so abnormal while being not abhorrent, my legacy as it stands right now, is someone who got fat again, before a gastric bypass reversal, when having an epic breakdown.
That’s it. And while I could just dissapear in today’s society, as I loathe social media and I fear it, and I’m on it, so for all intentions, I have “dissapeared” because of my lack of social media presence, that I am still compelled, to be somewhat present, in public, or at least on the internet, as a blogger,and to be honest, for what is the ugliest of my life and of others, that goes beyond that, in hopes to do greater good for other human beings, in ANY manner that I’m capable of doing greater good.
And that of course, is motivated by trying to do the right thing, as an activist, given my spectacular failures as a mother, so that what we went through, wasn’t in vain.
Or that people don’t go through awful struggles and devastating life circumstances, without a support system, like I did.
But that doesn’t get brought up in my personal online life, as much as getting fat or staying heavy after a gastric bypass and a gastric bypass reversal.
And NO matter how much I try to fight that legacy, that we should live in a society, that values the sanctity of human life and the right of individual pursuit of personal growth, happiness and the right to a safe life, that doesn’t mean anything to another, if they wish to cause us emotional and/or physical harm and/or fatality.
The reason why I fear social media so much has both a simple and/or complex answers.
The sort of simple but still complex answer is, that it encourages impulsive behavior in people, that could be at best, a deterrent to another’s happiness, even if it’s unintentional.
I’m not saying though, I don’t see the good that social media brings.
Whether it be a celebrity who pays off a fan’s mortgage or student’s loan. among many things we’ve seen that where social media has served greater good.
But, the various social media platoforms, simutaneously both encourages the best and worst of humankind.
So while it can be heartening to see both celebrities and others do common good, there’s a lot of bad that goes with it.
Whether it be feeding in one’s instaneous need to hatefully call out others. And to quite a few, social media, dehumanizes other humans, because they are being regarded through a digital lens, that somehow uniquely to predators and/or haters, that they aren’t worthy of common consideration at best, but at worst, they aren’t worthy of being allowed to live their lives with health, safety and peace of mind.
And I don’t think that I’m overreacting, as an activist, when seeing so many cases where in domestic violence situations, where people are not just killing those they love and/or hate.
But regardless, they are horrifically murdering their children, who get caught in the crossfire of a relationship ending badly or for any and all inexplicable reasons, devoid of any ration or ration when it’s needed most.
Or you have children who are tragically killing a parent or a friend, because they can’t react appropriately, to being told NO or something they don’t like. Whether it be a child and/or teen isn’t allowed to have a party or a child kills another peer in what they feel is an action that shows some kind of rejection, and that leads to rage induced irrovocable behaviors, such as murder/s.
My kind of activism lends to the bottom line of asking “WHY”.
While I can tell a bariatric peep not to blame themselves for example, if they are in some kind of mixed medical/mental health crisis, that their complications are not necesarily their fault and/or of their surgeons and they “why” won’t help them, as far as seeking acute professional attention, so that their lives can be saved, the “why” does play a part.
Of course it does, as far as the “why”, it can not only help from tragedy happening, it can help from history repeating itself, even if the life threatning symptoms are alleviated, it can help from non weight related self sabotaging behaviors from occuring over and over again, that might happen, when someone unnecessarily thinks in the case of an adverse bariatric surgical outcome, that they’re to blame, for life threatening complications (even when their surgeons aren’t) when they’re not.
That kind of perspective, such as examining the “why” can help, whether or not a human being is bariatric patient or NOT.
It can help help from a perspective of WHY tragedy happens.
It can help from trying to prevent self sabotaging behaviors, of many kinds, of interfering in one’s ability to find inner peace and a balanced life, regardless of socio-economics and other factors.
The problem is, and it’s not a problem, it’s a CRISIS, that when people hurt, if not kill themelves and/or another human being, the “why” matters.
The intention of whether or not malice, is present, matters
Whether it be in the case, of my writings of blogs, as of late, whether it be a pastor who drove drunk and killed, I’m assuming, very unintentionally, locally, that went viral , a 911 operator when driving drunk, last week.
Malice matters, when trying to prevent school or any kind of massacres, whether it be in Parkland, Sandy Hook, Orlando, Las Vegas, San Bernadino or Columbine, to name a few school (and other) massacres, even though the motives of the person/s commiting the massacres may VARY, and vary widely.
Malice, and/or absence of it, matters greatly, when a mother who has an MSW and should know crisis resources, still kills her baby, her husband and herself, which happened 2 weeks ago.
Or a week later, when a mother kills her husband, her 2 adult children and herself , executing them, by shooting them in the head, when feeling rejection, as it’s been rationalized in the news, right or wrong , when being shunned from her house of worship and/or religious faith.
Talking about why these tragedies occur, as painful and complex as it is, whether or not malice is involved and/or the “why” of them, will NOT necessarily prevent ALL of them from occuring.
But isn’t it worth a mention, if maliciousness and/or an abscence of it, as well as the “why”, necessary, to at least try and prevent at least some of them?
I’m not a clinically trained professional. I’d like to know though, where are the clinically trained professionals, to try and say something and/or help do something, in the hopes of prevention of all these horrific tragedies from happening over and over again, even, though they definitely aren’t to blame, for these tragedies occuring, over and over again.
Because I loathe, as a non clinically trained professional, that I have NO answers or solutions, I’m just trying to be a part of the dialogue, in hopes for prevention of all these tragedies, and while it may be unrealistic to think that all of them can be prevented, we need to at least TRY to prevent some of them.
SO sadly, I have way more questions, than I do answers.
It would be comforting, to hear from those who have answers (i.e. clinically trained professionals in abnormal/trauma psychology) , or at least an idea, about the ugliness of human life, that can end human life, if not hamper other’s right to be at least psychologically balanced, happy and healthy, to try and say, what they think is going on here and what, if anything, can be done to prevent all these tragedies that end in loss of human life .
Note: I welcome constructive feedback. I’m kindly asking if someone does NOT have constructive feedback, to not comment. Thanks.
Editorial Note: Clarification, 15 minutes after publishing this blog. I shouldn’t have assumed that nature of the blog, would be clear.
But it’s not something I could’ve said, whether or not people intend to do harm, both fatal and extreme psychological duress, there is sometimes instances where malice is apparent and malice is absent.
But point I’m trying to make, is both intention, whether or not there is an absence of malice, the “why”, matters greatly and is worthy of further discussion, in hopes of prevention of these tragedies.
I shouldn’t have though, assumed that people would construe that, just by the nature of the blog, so while I’m not sorry for what I said, and how many words, it took to say it, I AM sorry, that I wasn’t clearer.
Again, my apologies for not clearly stating above clarification. Thanks….