It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘suicidality’ Category

in the end it really did matter…….

Trigger Warnings: In this blog, I write both seriously as an activist for suicide prevention and awareness, as well as trying to support loved ones who lost loved ones to suicide. Which in addition elaborating on what it takes sometimes, to manage  my own mental health issues. As well as what I go through with my own particular mental health issues.

The point I’m trying to make, is I will ALWAYS recommend that people in crisis get help from a clinically trained professional, in acute care facility, if necessary.

Which a lot of times, it is NECESSARY.

But knowing I’m probably the last person to be willing to do that, I put these blogs out there, hopefully to help those who it may benefit, who may be in serious emotional distress and are at risk of their depression being fatal and for those who lost loved ones and are in despair and/or heartbroken, at the loss of their loved ones. And it has helped people.

However, the last thing I want to do is trigger anyone, if topics such as suicide (from a patient and activist perspective)  are a trigger, please don’t read.

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“it starts with why

it doesn’t even matter how hard you try

its so unreal

even though I tried it all fell apart

all i know

it doesn’t even matter how hard you tried

I had to fall to lose it all

in the end it doesn’t even matter

what it meant to me  will eventually be a memory

I tried so hard and got so far

but in the end it doesn’t even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

but in the end it doesn’t even matter

“In The End” -Linkin Park
(disorganization of lyrics partially mentioned intentional/no copyright infringement intended) ”

Taking a deep breath, because I really don’t want to write this blog, but hoping that it helps someone.

It happens to be, as more time goes by post suicide attempt in August of 2008, my old life both before, during that time and after it, to present time, doesn’t get to be anymore closer of being a  distant memory.

It happened to be, and it’s not something I’ve blogged about, that while I have multiple blogs talking about my “one and only” suicide attempt and the consequences of it, I have not talked about, that I would’ve probably made my attempt, 3 months earlier, is that because I had someone I love dearly, someone I can’t identify, who was potentially suicidal.

So I had to bizarrely, get them the help they needed to be strong enough to not die of their depression, even though my own life for me was so physically and emotionally unbearable, that I knew and could only hold on for as long as I did, knowing that my pain would eventually end, once they were stabilized and in my misguided thinking at the time, that everyone I loved the most, including that loved one (who did extremely well after intensive professional help) , would be better off without me.

I realize how messed up that is. Now. And for the last 8 1/2 years. And I’ll make my point and I’m going to admit somethings in hopes of helping other people, that I’d rather not be admitting, but if it helps someone in crisis and/or in despair, it will be worth sharing it.

It happened to be on Thursday morning, which I was debating on purchasing Linkin Park concert tickets, for that above mentioned loved one and I, for the concert that was scheduled in St. Paul, on August 15th, which would’ve been 3 days after the 9th anniversary of my suicide attempt, when a few hours later, it went viral that Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, had died the same way his friend Chris Cornell did 2 months prior, by suicide, which my loved one took really hard.

Part of the reason why that loved one took both deaths so hard was the fact that I did try to commit suicide, 9 years ago. And Linkin Park and Soundgarden was music they used to cope with, as they saw me medically and mentally disintegrate.

I related more to Linkin Park, during that period of time in my life, during my deepest depression that led to my suicide attempt. While it wouldn’t be something I’d be comfortable sharing, normally, I am now, plus a few other things, in hopes of those who are suicidal and to help those who lost a loved one, because the song “In The End”, was a song that help me identify why I felt suicidal, I did try so hard and in the end I thought it didn’t matter, nor did I think my life or myself did, feeling such a feeling of failure and being in such unbearable medical and mental health pain for as long as I was.

The main thing I’ve learned as an activist of sorts, is that not everyone can be saved, that their depression is going to be fatal to them, when it comes to suicide prevention and/or awareness. It’s not anymore of a choice to them, then having an incurable fatal “medical” disease versus mental health.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not dedicated to trying to be an activist for suicide prevention and awareness.

IF I’m to be truthful, I’ve been suicidal since my suicide attempt in 2008. The only difference between why I am alive now, versus thinking my life and everyone’s life that I know and love the most will be okay, if I died,  is that I know at least in the last 7 1/2 years, that I’ve managed to stay alive even with medical near life ending crises, is that the people I love the most, will NOT be okay, if I die from my depression issues.

And it’s a very mixed blessing that I realize that the only thing I can do for my children and my family is not die from mental health issues, I can’t really do more than that.

And sadly, that’s really they only expectation they have of me, at this point.

For me to have any quality of life, though and this is what I realize, because I know better than to think that people who commit suicide, don’t know or care about their loved ones or they are selfish, which they aren’t.

There’s been a lot of discussion since Chris Cornell’s  and Chester Bennington’s deaths which would suggest otherwise. They had kids, didn’t they care enough about their loved ones, to get help or get better????

PLEASE don’t make that assumption or give that impression, as that ONLY  stigmatizes suicide and mental health and it doesn’t help those of us who have depression and/or other mental health issues that can be fatal and it doesn’t help the loved ones, they/we leave behind, for those who die this way. Or who tried to, in the past.

It’s making a hurtful and horrible impression that if we loved our loved ones, enough we’d find a way to stay alive. And not ever contemplate, let alone attempt suicide, which only hurts people, it doesn’t help anyone.

A lot of people will  NEVER understand the multiple and multifaceted reasons that play into deaths due to suicide, but if you wouldn’t tell someone who’s dying of any other disease, that they should get better because of those who they will leave behind, please DON’T for a second, make that impression on someone who’s mourning the loss of a loved one due to their depression being fatal to them and/or those who’s depression is at risk for being fatal to them.

As much as I’d love to say, it’s a wonderful miracle that I’m still alive, it doesn’t feel that way, most of the time. I’m not saying that my life is worse than it was from 2006 to 2011, but it’s not amazing, either.

While I can give myself some credit for having to survive some crappy things, and by sharing them, with this blog, as it has helped some people, I realize that people have been through much worse and handled it better and sometimes that makes me feel really bad about myself, especially as it applies to myself as a mother, who loves my kids more than anything.

For me to have any quality of life, though, and it what helps my depression and mental health issues not be fatal for me, I’ve had to realize that I have to care about myself for myself.

My love for others, as much as I wish it was different, cannot be the only reason why I’m still alive and that I make the attempt to have any quality of life, which does help, especially in cases, where peace of mind for those of us who have limited amounts of that, is so sporadic.

What saved my life post suicide attempt, when in mental health crisis, but not in medical crisis, status post “one and only suicide attempt” in 2008, is that I have the luxury of not doing ANYTHING when in crisis.

Meaning I don’t have to deal with people like most people do. I live by myself and can sometimes take life one hour at a time, which is my deal with myself when in crisis. It also helps me in a non judgemental way of trying to be kinder to myself, of having mental health issues and realizing that I’m doing the best I can and I can usually realize  1/2 the time am grateful for the things I’ve been able to experience because I’ve managed to live this long and try to concentrate on that, when on days, it seems like more of a curse.

I’m not medicated for my mental health issues, either. For the last 7 1/2 years. Both my long term PCP and my former psychiatrist saw that the severity of side effects are not worth the risks, especially since the therapeutic benefit is minimal at best with most psychotropics for me. And I don’t just get severe side effects from mental health meds, but meds in all therapy classes, so it’s not a manifestation of my mental health, that those meds don’t work, it’s an unfortunate medical fact about me, that my own clinical professionals also acknowledge.

It’s not an ideal though way to live for those of us who have a host of depression, mood and personality disorders. Nor is my being total hypocrite when it comes to not seeking clinically trained professional help, any longer even though I still struggle.

I realize some of the irrationalities of my thought processes. I know not every clinically trained professional is going to treat me like an unstable drug seeking hypochondriac who’s also seeking attention, but enough have. And I’m grateful that I have one long term amazing PCP who does a unique patient tailored approach to my care, which I wish other providers would do the same.

And while it’s working for me, it doesn’t work for most people, though. And if I’m to be truthful, I can only try my hardest, I can’t guarantee that no therapy and no meds and a love of my family is going to guarantee that I won’t ever need intensive help that I’m not so quick to get and the irrationality of that. However my first blog on WordPress, where I found myself in a system, that I couldn’t get out of, I think plays a large part of my trying to find some balance and meaning to my life on my own, as well as all the time I have. But it’s not ideal.

So I cannot overstate the importance of not only seeking out clinically trained medical and mental health professionals and realizing that if you don’t find one who is helping you, that you hold on, until you find the help that is right for you that gives you the chance of lessoning, if not eliminating the risks of your mental health issues being fatal to you.

And what that may require evaluation and treatment in potential combinations of inpatient and outpatient care and trying to find different medications, if current medication regimens aren’t working, to find the right combination of clinically trained professionals and/or therapy medications that will work.

And professional help can help those who lost loved ones where it doesn’t become a risk for their depression being fatal to them, as well.

I can only hope that we lose the stigma of mental health issues once and for all, so that people can be in their best health. And what that looks like, is just as unique as we all are.

But we can’t do that without removing stigma and judgement from mental health issues. As well as having more options for evaluation and treatment both in pharmaceutical and non pharmaceuticals treatment therapy options.

I wrote this blog, in hopes that people will try to get past stigmatizing suicide, to provide support for those who’ve lost (or nearly lost) loved ones due to suicide and/or accidentally died due to overdoses. And tried to help by sharing what is working for me, when in crisis, even though I realize it’s unconventional and that it may not work for most people, depending on what they feel their options are, which are obviously not many depending on the severity of a depressive episode and/or other mental and/or medical health issues.

But again, I’m not a clinically trained provider. I only know what I do about so many of these issues by either personal experience or those who I’ve helped personally since 2010 via social media, and in almost the 4 years that I’ve been blogging.

But I do believe that clinically trained professional help is best. But I also understand better than anyone (as I’ve discussed on multiple occasions the bias I face when seeking medical attention) why some cases, such as the bias I’ve experienced, that in my case it causes more duress than it alleviates.

Links for Suicide Awareness, Prevention and support for survivors:

http://www.nami.org
http://www.befrienders.org
http://www.save.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Note: I would’ve wrote this blog sooner, but I’ve had technical issues that make blogging almost impossible at times with having internet and device issues.

I was able to edit blog on 7-28-2017 with links that can hopefully help.

Also same rules apply, judgemental or non constructive responses will not be published. I’m okay with a difference in opinion, if shared respectfully and mindfully. Thanks!!!!!

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How many MORE people are going to have to DIE , before we can talk about Opioid addiction and other addictions without STIGMA???

(Extremely important disclaimer: I’m NOT  a clinically trained professional. If you or someone you know is in acute medical or mental health crisis, PLEASE seek immediate/acute professional help, in an acute care facility.

Because this blog is about the fact that clinicians are only human and can be in crisis, too, this is WHY I’m pressing for honest dialogue in our society about the Opiate Epidemic and removing the stigma that exists that presents a barrier for so many people being able to get the help they need that hopefully, save their lives)

http://www.cnn.com/2017/5/24/us/drug-counselors-overdose/index.html

Most of my blogs, as of late, have had to do with the opioid epidemic. Some of the blogs, have been out of concern of the war on drugs, having a potential to harm those who use prescription opiates, responsibly, but as a last resort to treating severe chronic pain.

Some of them have included though, the very real crisis that we are in because of opioids both prescription and illegal opiates.

My very last blog (which was extremely wordy, even for me) , had to do with my getting labeled at a an appointment with a pain management specialist, who had labeled me, due to my mental health issues and that I had very temporarily abused opiates, both almost 9 years ago (for 5 days leading up to an intentional overdose with pain meds that had been prescribed for me) and almost 7 years ago for 2 days both situations involved both being in medical AND mental health crisis.

And I’ve discussed those issues ad nauseum, in previous blogs, quite a bit, since I’ve launched this blog, almost 4 years ago.

I also had mentioned in my last blog, that I had done an internet search on that physician, prior to that appointment almost 2 weeks ago and had found that pain management specialist I had seen, in addition to being “pro Butrans”, which I didn’t think was appropriate for me, neither did she, also had nearly had her own medical license suspended due to opioid addiction, less than 2 years ago. And had multiple conditions to be able to continue having her suspsension stayed, by not being able to prescribe controlled substances, let alone be in possession of them.

It was never my intent in my last blog to shame that provider. What I did find offensive, is my history being a barrier in my getting medical care, with bias, because I had been labeled PRIOR to ever being on opiates and as someone who has a very short history that I’m not usually believed by most providers, with temporary drug abuse, just because I have mental health issues and even BEFORE my mental health issues were diagnosed in my late 30’s, just because I was a bariatric surgical patient.

The above link on my blog, that I just came across tonight, was about 2 drug counselors in a addiction facility who overdosed on heroin/fentanyl combination in Pennsylvania on Monday.

I have never not known or acknowledged that the Opioid Epidemic, not only is a VERY real crisis, not just nationally but globally, but that clinically trained medical and mental health professionals, whether they are physicians, drug counselors or any kind of practicing clinician, also can be patients with the propensity to have serious addiction problems that can be fatal, just like to any other human being.

Also, I’ve said as a mental health activist who’s also written multiple blogs about murder/suicide, what I talk about is, NOT the means of how people choose to kill themselves and MURDER others , but the desire to kill to begin with.

It’s not to minimize when I bring up gun control initiatives when talking about that. I say, with being crystal clear, that I’m not a medically or mental health clinically trained professional and/or in public safety or law enforcement professional, that taking away the weapon of choice, isn’t getting to the heart of the matter, when it comes to these tragic deaths.

That if people want to kill, if they can’t get a gun, there are many other ways that they can and WILL find to kill people.

The same applies to drugs, when it comes to addiction. If people even start out honestly because of severe chronic pain or any kind of severe pain, such as surgical or due to an accident  and whether or not,  it becomes their gateway to drug addiction and/or they just go straight to illegal drugs for emotional and or mental health health pain and find a dealer, unfortunately, it’s not always predictable who will find themselves in crisis of life ruining, if not life ending consequences due to that addiction.

Or ANY type of addiction and that’s one of the  the points of this blog. If we can’t talk about the multiple ways and multi-faceted reasons that play into addiction, honestly without stigma, whether it be drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food, social media/internet/phone that present potential for abuse, addiction, the risk to public safety/personal health threats on humans and the fatalities that are occuring , we don’t have a prayer of reducing them.

It’s becoming obvious and it doesn’t take a clinically trained professional to state, that you can’t legistlate away addiction, it can make it only slightly harder to get drug of choice, it doesn’t take away the propensity for addiction, away.

Unfortunately, while it’s a lot easier to identify what barriers we are experiencing as a society when it comes to these threats, it’s a lot harder to find out what it’s going to take to make inroads in reducing addiction and both accidental and intentional overdoses.

But we  can’t just continue to believe it’s the epidemic itself, that’s killing so many people and/or ruining their lives.

Because the truth is, the STIGMA  and reluctance to have an open and honest dialogue is equally to blame.

This can’t continue to be a “don’t do drugs” or “ban all drugs” conversation, as prevention initiatives just aren’t working for so many. I’m in no way discounting them. They have value, it’s just not enough.

It has to become, why we are a globally, humans who can be prone to addictions of different natures that can be life ruining and life ending for almost anyone and everyone, which almost all of us, know someone who’s life has been ended too soon or ruined due to addiction, as well as loved ones who are effected by these crisies.

How many people are going to have to die, until the dialogues start and more initiatives are in place for study of, evaluation and better treatment options of disease of addiction themselves that don’t have the potential to lead to other addictions or other potential serious medical/mental health issues????

Note: I’m hoping this starts an honest dialogue to help. I always appreciate differing opinions if shared respectfully and responsibly.

Any comments that could be potentially triggering or are not constructive, will NOT published.

(Edit Note: Unfortunately, slight edits that were made before publishing didn’t take when blog was posted. It didn’t effect greatly my intention with this blog, just clarifying that I apologize that, it wasn’t as clear as intended it to be, from the start but also with the fact for new readers, I am a disabled blogger who writes about disabilities, in addition to topics like this one, that I feel passionately about)

Robin Williams’s death/ Almost 3 months later……

********Trigger Warning: I talk about suicide, severe depression and chemical dependency in this blog.Which can be a trigger for some, so if it does, please don’t read this, as I go in great detail in some matters. With great honesty and empathy but I’m NOT a clinically trained medical OR mental health professional. NOTHING I say or ANYONE says should replace in person, professional clinical evaluation and treatment. If in acute medical or mental health crisis, PLEASE call 911, immediately or go to your local Emergency Room, immediately…….*****

I did something unusual for me before writing this blog. I actually checked what’s “trending” after the coroner’s report came out, that yes, Robin Williams’s death was a suicide and NO, there was NO drugs or alcohol involved.And what people’s reactions were to it, on social media.

I’m not surprised in the slightest, that he wasn’t under the influence. He subtly made it clear that this while something he struggled with, was a very conscious choice, he was making, to end his life.

Now I discussed a couple of days ago, the need for compassion, with almost every death including suicide. The only type of suicide or death I can’t handle, at least appropriately,  is the deaths of people who kill someone else (or a lot of people) and then kills themselves.

But people are still drawing an unkind and UNFAIR differentiation between Brittany Maynard’s death and Robin Williams’s death and they shouldn’t be. While they had different diseases both had the same outcome. As their diseases progressed it caused them more pain. And both had diagnoses that can and will be terminal for some people.

BEFORE I get a bunch of HATE, let me explain something. People do NOT choose to have mental illness issues anymore than they choose cancer. We as a society, UNTIL we accept that, only can we be the compassionately supportive for those who suffer Mental Illnesses and/or lose someone they LOVE. Or the loved ones who have family members with severe persistent mental illness.

If you wouldn’t tell someone who lost a loved one to cancer, that it is too bad that they didn’t fight harder, why couldn’t they snap out of it and be happy for everything they had, WE HAVE TO STOP SENDING MESSAGES TO SURVIVORS AND SUFFERERS, that the person they lost, that their death was in the realm of anyone’s control. Some of these are NOT preventable deaths.

I’m all about Suicide Prevention, which is a part of why I do the Mental Health activism that I do. But anyone dealing with either their own mental illness, loved one’s mental illness or work in a clinical capacity ALREADY knows that NOT everyone can win their battle with depression. That doesn’t mean we aren’t gonna fight for anyone who’s drowning in depression and is acutely suicidal, we just know that while some lives can be saved, some cannot be saved.

I’ve discussed ad nauseaum about suicidality, other mental health issues and chemical dependency. If you read my last blog which was REALLY wordy and ranty, I discussed an E.R. visit recently, where I’ve been labeled as a drug seeking hypochondriac. Part of that I do get, because I did abuse narcotics for a couple of days prior to my suicide attempt. And I used narcotics as means to try and die. I took almost a month’s worth each of Vicodin, Xanax and Miltown/Equanil.

Let me explain something that might help others have empathy towards those who have CD/MH issues and/or die from them. Those 5 days proceeding my suicide attempt in 2008, when I was abusing meds were FUCKING AWESOME (my kids were already with my parents) . Severe manic depression will never make sense to someone who’s NEVER had it. You could have everything in the world, as far as people (the best family and friends), money and possessions and do so much for others, but one has a feeling of EXTREME worthlessness, despondency and isolation. Those of us who have it, feel grief stricken (sometimes for NO reason, but it’s worse in those who have reason, i.e. loss of loved one, relationships end, etc) for NO viable reason. While I’ve never experienced a sense of euphoria, in my life, those meds allowed me to feel comfortably numb about all my physical and emotional pain.And I was grateful for the respite from my agonizing emotional pain.The agonizing physical pain and loss in ability was hard enough.

I’m not saying that I advocate for abuse of prescription and street drugs and alcohol. I AM saying I understand why people use them, if not abuse them and get addicted. I’m really lucky that I haven’t gotten addicted. But certain circumstances did help me. I got violently ill off of IV morphine when I first had my gastric bypass. I’ve also experienced both opiate and benzo withdrawal when being PERFECTLY compliant, about 3 years post suicide attempt, in  2 different occasions . It WAS awful and at the time, I made a conscious effort not to have either a physical dependence or psychological one (which I do have a slight emotional dependence to my meds) but I don’t take them everyday, even with daily severe chronic pain. Going through withdrawal even though I wasn’t abusing, probably helped me realize or just reinforced something that I’ve always known.

I DO have an addictive personality. I’ve been using food as a coping mechanism (and for many other reasons as stated in other blogs) since I was a toddler. I started smoking when I was 15. I was raised in anti-prescription family doesn’t have a history of alcoholism and/or drug abuse. That there is only so many vices one can rationalize and that’s probably the reason why I am rare person with persistent mental health issues that doesn’t have a CD component. It also helps if I drink too much, I get violently ill (projectile vomiting ) and I do get unpleasant side effects from a lot of prescription medications. So I’m not trying to say I’m a better person then someone who’s struggled with Chemical Dependency issues, just saying, how I’ve managed to escape having substance abuse issues.

But to get back to the point I’m trying to make. It’s that we shouldn’t be questioning on who we have compassion for when people battle diseases and when they lose their lives from them. And we need more therapies available both in medical and mental health realms. Most of the treatments out there to fight serious disease and symptoms have side effects that are bad as the diseases and symptoms they are having.

Don’t be surprised if you utter words verbally or on social media that’s the equivalent of “Being Happy is a conscious choice” or some other ridiculous crap, like that or you talk about a suicide to the equivalent of “what a waste”, why people who suffer from Mental Illness will NOT confide in you. You are NOT safe person to come out to, no matter how nice you are in EVERY other aspect of your life. In NO WAY shape or form am I saying if someone dies from mental illness that it’s one’s fault for them dying. If one wouldn’t rationally blame themselves of a loved one dying from cancer, you CANNOT blame the person who dies from suicidality. Or their loved ones.

The point I’m trying to make is you blame NO ONE and have COMPASSION for EVERYONE …….

Addenum: I want to add the following….Celebrities or “privileged” people are NOT immune to mental illness/cd issues.       They are people not superheroes. I had a special place in my heart for Robin Williams. So I get people’s sadness. Out of the top 2 people I would’ve loved to meet, he was only #2, because I’d love to meet Oprah to both thank her and yell at her for how messed up women are about their bodies, given how she and stupid Dr Oz and Dr. Phil have profited on other people’s pain. Mental Illness issues though is a great equalizer.  It effects anyone regardless of gender, race, religion, socioeconomic and education level. But we owe it to their families to be able to grieve in privacy. And without stigma or judgement.

*Crisis Resources*
http://www.nami.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/
http://www.211.org
http://www.211us.org
http://www.samhsa.gov/
http://www.save.org
http://bornthiswayfoundation.org/helphttp://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

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