The above link, just showed up on my newsfeed on Facebook. And wow, Paris has sure changed in the last 19 years, since I’ve been there.
I’ve been kinda quiet on social media, since I’ve come home from Las Vegas, other than my blogs I wrote, last week.
And it was 2 weeks ago, that I left for Las Vegas. And while I put a lot of my trip in check-in, pictures and comments on Facebook, for many reasons, one primary reason, stands out, to most who know me well.
So, that I actually remember my own trip to Las Vegas.
And how my adventures there, made me feel.
Having strange long term and short term memory issues, and knowing that I have that, is a very mixed blessing.
While most people give me credit for adventures that I’m willing to go on, as well as share, being a complex medically, mentally and cognitively disabled chick, they also know I spend an enormous amount of time, at home, alone.
Most of my time spent, is trying to keep the memories I have, of my life when I had my children, living with me. My son turns 23 on Friday, and I’ve been a mother for over 1/2 my life, now.
My feeling and loving them as a mother, DID NOT change when our addresses, unfortunately, did, 7 years ago.
I was on the phone, yesterday morning and was speaking to someone about a volunteer opportunity, that I might be eligible to do.
And I was trying to explain the events in my life and sum up my life, in a 40 minute telephone conversation.
And that was hard to do. The person I was on the phone, was nice about it and I understood that the questions that were asked, were necessary.
I was trying to convey of how blindsided I was about how the events in my life, changed in the last 10 years. That while I still tried to live a life with purpose and meaning, and be grateful that I was still alive, that I’m always going to have to refer to my past, as far as the best years of my life, were concerned.
Not my present, not my future, no matter what I do in my life, to try and make it meaningful for myself and for others.
So while I can still smile, when I talk about that time that I went on a business trip to London, and Princess Diana was on my plane (something I reference both on Facebook and my blog on occasion and I also took the Eurostar to Paris) in June of 1996, the fact that Zachary, my eldest, had a mother who could take time off from work to bring birthday treats, to school, will always be a bigger deal, to me. Volunteered for every holiday party, in his elementary school career, as well as took him on vacations.
But the day to day stuff with my children, when they lived with me, has meant the most.
The fact that I could get my 2 children who were 10 1/2 years apart, that I was raising by myself to 2 different daycares, and worked full time, drove a car, maintained a household, then was still as I was getting sicker, still planning on starting my own business, 10 years ago, the irony that I can’t do any of that, any longer, when people used to tell me they didn’t know how I did so much, is so far, NOT lost on me. When I saw my daughter briefly the other day, she was shocked that she didn’t know that she had been out of our state, when she was younger and I was able to tell her about when we went to Florida and Wisconsin Dells, when she was a toddler.
It makes me profoundly sad, that my children had two different mothers, in me. And that she loves me so much, even though she has no expectations of me.
It’s just what is lost on me, and in me, that HAUNTS me. I know how lucky I am to have children, I know how lucky I am that everyone I love the most, is still alive.
I can’t escape the irony, either, that as hard as it is, to try and remember anything significant, that my writing is getting slightly better, even if my memory isn’t.
I go back to my old blogs and it’s “TL:dr” situation for me. With my OWN writing. Nothing has changed though in the last almost 2 1/2 years that I launched my blog, as a disabled writer, other than I try my hardest to be a little more concise.
People ask, on occasion, what would I do, if I could go back and change the past, what I’d do differently. Sometimes they are asking about whether or not, I’d have my gastric bypass, again. Some people will insensitively ask, whether or not I regret having my children (I don’t answer the latter question, I just look at people in HORROR, and it’s enough for them to know that it’s so not appreciated).
I can’t honestly say that there is anything that I would’ve done differently, given my circumstances and skill sets, at the time that I experienced anything from wonderful to horrific.
Not that it matters, I can’t go back and change anything and that’s something I’ve learned to make my peace with.
I have to say, for someone who at the age of 45 1/2, while most of my significant life, is over and was over before a billion people have decided to hang out on Facebook, I’m still not OVER.
So if you wondered why I pick and choose certain things to highlight in my “social media” life, I hope this makes more sense now. I hope it makes more sense of why I’m pretty much the same, in my “offline” life, as I am online. And why I choose to live such a transparent life, but that I take breaks from social media, often (another blog specific to that, will be written, soon) and need my privacy and being reclusive, too…
For someone who never took anyone or anything for granted, I still will always struggle with my current circumstances, even though I know that life could be and definitely has been, much worse.
And it will be worse again, so I know that the universe doesn’t need to take that, as a challenge.
Just hopefully I’ll retain what I have in memory and skill sets, to get through it.
So, while I can’t say I’ll always have memories of London, Paris, Las Vegas, NYC, Miami and Fort Lauderdale given my memory issues, it’s what happened in my life, in Plymouth, Minnesota, that meant the most to me(my children and I lived in Plymouth,MN other than 3 years, when Zachary was a toddler that we lived in New Hope, MN).
And I’m grateful to know the difference that the relevance of my life, past, present and future, isn’t based upon the relevance of it to another, especially a stranger or someone who doesn’t have my best interest at heart, on social media.