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Archive for the ‘#StigmaKills’ Category

When “our doves” die- An honest human discussion about living and sometimes dying from addiction… #stigmakills

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(for my international readers http://www.befrienders.org)

*Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained or credentialed medical or mental health professional, nor am I am a professionally trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety. I will ALWAYS encourage people in crisis to seek acute professional help in an appropriate setting or if necessary, contact emergency services.

(There also will be profanity, in this blog and honest talk about living and dying from addiction and the human predilection for addiction, if that’s offensive, PLEASE don’t read) *

I won’t BACK down!!!

Shit, wrong artist!!!

NO, I’m not being glib.

On this second anniversary of Prince’s death, where initially, I had a fear that I didn’t want Prince to be the poster child for accidental illegal drug overdose, I decided it was more important as an activist to make sure he didn’t die in vain.

It was driven home more, when Tom Petty died under similar circumstances, involving the drug Fentanyl last year, as well as other famous beloved people, as well as those of us who lose loved ones in death or in the depths of despair due to drug addiction, every year.

I’ve gone on record, so to speak, in past blogs in greater detail, that I think Fentanyl is a fucking EVIL drug.

Heroin is, too.

But any substance or entity that can cause addictive behaviors in humans that ruin their lives, if not end them, can be considered “evil”, to at least someone.

I tried before starting this blog, to find a “quote meme” that would do addiction “justice” on this 2nd anniversary of Prince’s death and for anyone who could relate.

I defaulted to above “meme” only because I figured I’d be better serving my readers, resources, as well as trying to be a part of the dialogue on honest talk about addiction.

I have addiction issues and an addictive personality.

I ONLY escaped drug addiction, due to the either horrific side effects of them or because I metabolize other drugs (prescription and/or not illegal) so quickly, that it’s difficult physiologically to build up an addiction to them.

I’m only injecting my personal issues with addiction, as this is a blog, it’s not an article and it’s not something that would be too helpful for me to go on in more detail, like I have in previous blogs about my own personal demons, which I have.

But it would be disingenous to write a blog about addiction in others, without disclosing my own issues, at least acknowledging that they most definitely exist.

Living in the hometown of Prince, there is a celebration of his life this weekend, on this 2nd anniversary of his death and I get why for all of those who loved him and his music, of why that’s so important to take place.

But if I’m going to be honest, even though I’m not a super fan, as much as I know about addiction and human strengths and human frailities, there’s a part of me that’s SO angry, that he’s gone.

As well as now, Tom Petty, like I said before.

Or my friend “N” who died almost 6 years ago, when in medical crisis, she developed an addiction after being on IV narcs due to extended hospitalizations and ended up with a heroin addiction, that NO ONE knew about, until she accidently overdosed from a bad batch of Heroin.

I consider myself “lucky” to a certain extent, as much as anyone who suffers and has to deal day to day with severe persistent mental health issues and intractable severe widespread and localized physical pain, that drugs never became a crisis situation for me, either living with a drug addiction or nearly dying from one, other than my suicide attempt almost 10 years ago, where I tried to intentionally overdose on prescribed narcotics for me.

But I think of Prince or my friend N and they died before they could see so many things, as locals to Minneapolis, as well as anyone who loses loved ones due to addiction.

As far as Prince, he missed U.S Bank Stadium being finally completed, he missed  “52”!!!

I don’t think and I’m not trying to come of self serving, that I don’t get as mad about the genius of him and his ability to create music that we could related to, being cut so short, as much as I get angry and sad, about his right to would’ve been to live his life, that was cut short, due to the depth of an addiction, that really NO ONE could’ve said, could’ve been avoided.

What exactly do I mean by that???

Because most people if they don’t have severe chronic pain OR they are afraid of using any kind of opiate or strong presciption pain medication or wouldn’t think of using any kind of street drug, have NO idea of what it’s like to not only be a slave to addiction, but to be in so much pain physically, that it alone becomes soul crushing and then you add addiction to a substance/s on top of it.

What’s exactly the answer to this then, with addiction to drugs or anything else, that ruins people’s lives, if NOT, actually ENDS them???

Because while people can try to legislate any substance or anything that can be abused or cause a fatality/fatalities, a wise blogger once said (ME!!!) that “You CANNOT legislate addiction, AWAY”.

Not everything that causes addiction in one person, will cause addiction in another.

I can’t say what the cure or the answer is to addiction of drugs (prescription or illegal) or any kind of addiction that ruins lives, if not ends them.

What’s in the root of addiction and what the recovery of what one’s person’s addiction will look like, will vary being as unique, as we all are.

But we have to acknowledge that most humans are addicted to something and try to find different alternative approaches to prevention, evaluation and treatment of addictions.

That CANNOT happen though, with moral judgements and/or stigma.

Note: Constructive feedback, ONLY, please. Thanks!!!

 

 

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At one time, a family of 8, but in the end, a family completely wiped out #hartfamily …

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Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical, mental health or credientialed in public safety, law enforcement and in social services.

The ONLY reason why I keep writing these blogs about domestic murder/suicides is that they keep happening and there is NO specific initiative in place. I found one murder/suicide initiative that was started 20 years ago, but it was only in respect to female partners being killed by their male partner.

I don’t know how many more people have to innocently die, especially when whole entire immediate families are dying this way, without more initiatives in place for prevention and/or rehabilitation.

I ask respectfully though, I do these blogs, where my immediate family knows somewhat of why I keep doing this, but they are really private people and in hopes of making sense and there being a greater purpose that we went through wasn’t in vain.

But an activist/blogger who purposely doesn’t want a lot of attention and is disabled, I’m limited on what I can do. I hope those who have more resources or stories of where they were in crisis but got help before irreversible tragedy happened or clinical trained professionals in abnormal psychology, can speak up on ideas, if it’s possible for prevention.

I will say my normal disclaimer, if you or someone you love, is in DANGER of hurting themselves or others, please seek immediate acute help by calling 911 (or because I’m read outside of the U.S and North America emergency services in your area or looking up http://www.befrienders.org) immediately.

Editorial Note: This majority of this  blog was written on 3/29/2018, I hesitated in publishing it under the assumption that it was a domestic murder/suicide, even though it had the signs of one until more data was released, that I just caught today. It was unclear at the time of publishing due to conflicting news, of where it is possible that there were 3 surviving children, it still doesn’t change the nature or the point I’m trying to make in the blog, it’s still beyond tragic.

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I had just noticed the story, yesterday. Where a family of 5, where they had MN roots like I do, but were living on the West Coast, that the 2 parents and 3 of their children, their bodies earlier this week were found, after their vehicle had gone off a road into the Pacific Ocean.

Because the family had 3 other siblings, it’s now being suspected they died, as well, even though their bodies haven’t been found yet.

There has been talk because the mothers had a recent child neglect/abuse claim against them, if that was the motive, possibly, of their deaths.

When family and friends of the victims were interviewed, they were noted to be nice people who were activists for positive change, even though some of their neighbors found some of the behaviors in the parents questionable, as far as the children not being taken care of properly.

None of the above am I making any judgement nor at the same time, excusing.

While I remember the good mother I was 20 years ago, I also remember the neglectful mother I became a little over 10 years ago, when in medical and mental health crisis.

While I’ve written many blogs about that period of time, in hopes to remove stigma, I’ve written many more blogs about domestic murder/suicide that involve children, there is one topic that I have NOT brought up when it comes to these horrific tragedies, that I do have to wonder, if it places apart, even though I don’t and will NEVER understand it.

I remember when I was that shamefilled terrified mother of 2, worried about the possibility of my children being taken away, while I somewhat was aware of the fact, that my parents or sisters would never let that happen, I also was terrified if something should happen where my kids would be taken away and be put in a system, where they be physically assaulted or raped.

I knew after having a past history of doing both volunteer work in a battered woman’s shelter and also facilitating a single parent support group, that is hard working as our Department of Human Services staff are, they are extremely overworked, underpaid and underappreciated.

That hasn’t changed since 1988/89 when I was a volunteer at that battered woman’s shelter, in 1998 when I worked as a single parent faciliator of a support group with my local YMCA (when one is considered a mandated reporter, just like I consider myself now, being such a serious activist but responding to personal queries for medical/mh help) and it was the same when I found myself 10 years later, with my own CPS and APS case in 2007 for hoarding and a brief one, post suicide attempt in 2008, where I didn’t fight where my children were going to be, only fought my potentially being committed.

Although my CPS worker in 2007 did see that there was love in my home and my kids’s basic needs were being met and she met with me weekly for months prior to my case being discharged, as well as I was ordered to be in therapy and that manditory cleanup, which she helped participate in.

It’s not for me to second guess that the kids were NOT immediately removed from their home.

If parents seem loving but are struggling, the last thing DHS/CPS  (or any similar agency in one’s locale) is rip kids from a loving home, even if it is unstable and sometimes doing that can be more traumatic for a child and/or children than leaving them with their parents.

The point I’m trying to make and unfortunately we may never know in these circumstances of why this family was wiped out or in other cases where it seemed like loving parents that I’ve wrote about (or even families that I haven’t) take out their entire family including children, is maybe due to some kind of HORRIBLY misguided sense of LOVE.

I can’t even try to wrap my head around that, though.

I can understand where people feel so trapped that sometimes and I’m choosing my words, very, very, very carefully, that suicide can not only feel like it’s the only choice that someone can make for themselves, it’s not necessarily hate based but out of compassion for one’s self, depending on their degree of suffering.

But ending someone elses life, ever or especially in a case, where it’s one’s child or partner, I don’t understand that and am only trying to, identify potential motives in these tragedies,  to be a better activist in the name of prevention of these horrible tragedies that keep happening over and over again.

If I had a chance where I’d have the opportunity, which I will NOW, as far as this blog being written, I’d beg someone to get serious help before hurting themselves and others, let alone killing them.

I’d beg them to see that even in our worst trying times, things can get better, even if it may take a long time, but that no one has the right to take the peace of mind or to take the right of life FOR  someone else.

I don’t see in this case, unless it comes out that the parents involved talked to someone else about the problems and or concern of what the tragic end outcome was in this case, that it could’ve necessarily been prevented.

But for a family that adopted children in hopes to give them a better life, as well as the good things they did throughout their lives (which unfortunately ultimately doesn’t matter, if one or both parents were responsible in the deaths of their children) and for their lives, ultimately, to end in the worst way possible,

I hope this can start a dialogue and a movement for prevention and rehabilitation initiatives, so that this ENTIRE family, like families before them, didn’t die in vain.

It just goes beyond the scope of my comprehension of any one human beings last memory of being murdered, but especially by someone who they love more than anything.

And that’s probably why I won’t stop blogging about this, until major initiatives are in place, for prevention of these horrific tragedies, happening over and over again.

Note: Please, only constructive feedback is wanted. I honestly wish I had more resources at my disposal to do more in prevention than blogging about it. Thanks!!!

#StigmaKills : Another day, ANOTHER #MurderSuicide…

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Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained professional. I will ALWAYS implore people in crisis to seek immediate clinically trained professional medical and mental health help and/or immediate help from law enforcement by calling 911.

The problem with above disclaimer, as exhibited in a blog from a few days ago and  with this particular blog,  which is to discuss another horrific murder/suicide that occurred on Tuesday, both involve members of the military who were in crisis.

I understand fully, that no one has asked me or expects a disabled blogger to solve complex crimes like murder/suicide or massacres.

But the problem IS, NO ONE is talking about it, from a professional point of view, in hopes to prevent these tragedies from occurring over and over again.

The horrific tragedy in California took place by someone who was actively seeking treatment but got kicked out of a program and there wasn’t any safety net, which I’m definitely not blaming anyone.

The horrific domestic murder/suicide that took place in the state of Washington, on Tuesday,was committed by a man, where it was talked about  a potential of marital discord, but the man after killing his family, had the horrible misguided enough sense of presence of mind to call 911, to report that he committed the murders and would be commiting suicide and THANK the first responders he spoke to, but NOT enough presence of mind to stop himself from killing his entire family and himself, in the first place.

When I went researching for initiatives, I found a lot of research, by both federal, state and educational entities on murder/suicide.

What I DID NOT find was INITIATIVES for PREVENTION of murder/suicides.

I hope those who are formally clinically trained in dealing with traumatic events of this nature, will speak up.

I hope that any news entity that reports these crimes, will question the lack of support systems for people in crisis who are capable of doing so much good in their lives, but then end innocent others lives and their own, in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE.

I hope that as many initiatives that need to take place to help prevent these tragedies, will FINALLY be created.

I learned when I volunteered in a battered woman’s shelter in my early 20’s, we were taught that the most deadly time for a battered victim was when they left their spouse.

25+ years later, that’s all changed.

Someone with NO record of domestic violence are now taking out their entire families for many complex reasons with NO warning signs and regardless of gender.

Or as ultimate revenge, letting the person they formerly loved but NOW hate, live, but killing the people that person loves the most, with NO warning signs.

Or there ARE warning signs but they are ignored, because no one wants to think of someone they love of being able to do such evil to them or another loved one of theirs.

We live in a society that NOW is showing CLEARLY, that a lot of people need help on how to constructively process hurt, rejection and rage, that doesn’t lead to innocent lives being lost.

And we need to start this when kids are young and continue to reinforce positive and constructive coping mechanisms when dealing with hurt, rejection and rage throughout our entire lives.

And we have to STOP sensationalizing these tragedies.

As they aren’t human interest stories or true crime, they ARE human tragedies.

I guess this my opinion on it.

One that I wish I could stop having to share over and over again.

I really wish though, if anyone has a better idea or a more qualified opinion, they would chime in with it, both on blog and like EVERYWHERE, because it’s really needed now, as these murder/suicides are tragically and senselessly, becoming a horrific daily event.

Note: I’m in NO WAY demonizing the service and sacrifices that our military makes for us, which I like anyone else, am eternally grateful for.

I’m only trying to constructively point out again, the need for more services needed for  both for military and civilians, to reduce the amount of horrific murder/suicides occurring on a daily basis.

Because again, it needs to be reiterated, that sometimes EVIL, can’t be prevented. But too many people who lived most of their lives trying to do good are ending others and their own lives in the worst ways possible and if there is any way to prevent this, we have to start somewhere and we have to start NOW.

So please, I encourage constructive dialogue, in hopes for preventing these tragedies.

Also note: I am though probably going to be taking a break from this topic for awhile, I’ve tried to do it justice, I just really can only hope that others way more qualified, finally chime in.

Important Update: At the time I both wrote and published this blog, the murder/suicide at UAB-Highlands Hospital had not started trending in any of the reputable news organizations I follow nationally and/or locally.

I can only reiterate what I said above and what I’ve said in the last week, month and last several years about  murder/suicide, not touch on 1/100th of them, if that.

I’m just hoping that these deaths do not continue to be in vain, that out of respect for victims and their families and friends, that comprehensive initiatives are created to try and combat this epidemic and horrific tragedies.

So this heartbroken disabled  activist is sending thoughts and prayers for victims, their families and friends,  as well as ideas for action and hopes others who possess the capacity to create concrete action, will do so.

Peace

#HimToo

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Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I’m an activist not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor am I, in any way, a credentialed law enforcement or public safety expert.

If someone is in crisis and in danger of hurting themselves or others, please seek immediate professional help or call 911.

File this blog under the 1,653,219th thing I’d rather not be talking about.

Problem is, no one else is, and the issue at hand, NEEDS stigma removed and to be discussed publicly with no stigma.

I’m in NO WAY discounting the progress that the #MeToo movement.

But it’s missing a a segment and/or population of people.

There’s what, over 3 billion women on the planet, right?

Where are the stories of men who been assaulted, abused and harassed by women?

Or women who’ve been assaulted, abused and harassed by another woman?

While it may cause a blip in the news of a female teacher assaulting (cause it’s assault if someone’s not the age of consent and if that standard applies to a male teacher with a female victim) other than Mary Kay Letourneau, who can name another female who’s been all over the news for what they did and the consequences they faced?

And if you pardon the REALLY bad pun, if Mary Kay was actually a “Mark”,  he would be vilified and there would be NO story post prison time or shock and horror that a male assailant married his female victim.

Again, I’m in no way saying that momentum that #MeToo has made,  is hindering anything, but there’s a hypocrisy and stigma that’s still in place for some bizarre reason that we aren’t talking about male and female victims of female predators, more.

If at all.

And there is a hypocrisy in place, for example, with certain female celebrities, where they say stuff about men, that if that came out of a famous man’s mouth, they would be tried and convicted in the court of social media, with major damage to their reputations at a bare minimum or their careers would be over and it isn’t the same for females who do the equivalent of that.

It doesn’t hinder in any way, of just saying, all victims have a right to have their stories told, regardless of the gender and/or sexual identification of the assailant.

We can’t have a certain set of standards for young boys and men, that aren’t the same for young girls and women, to follow.

Because it’s not fair and it’s horribly hurtful to discount, if not diminish a person’s story because we don’t want to think that women in some cases are not the victims in these cases, but they actually are the  perpetrators.

#MeToo has to be inclusive of every victim of sexual assault, abuse and harassment, for it to maximize its potential to prevent assault, abuse and harassment, and for those who are victims, to be able to heal.

Note: I’m open to constructive criticism or dialogue, I’m not open for nasty comments. I get that I’m a “unique” kind of advocate, as well as a mother. I make no apologies as far as my being a mother, of saying and believing , if I’m going to have a certain standard for how you treat my daughter, that same standard also better be applied to how you treat my son.

So if you don’t have anything kind or constructive to say, please don’t say anything at all…

#StigmaKills – The Sexual Predator/Victim Edition….

http://www.rainn.org
http://www.thehotline.org
http://www.suicidepreventionhotline.org 1800-273-8255
http://www.befrienders.org

What I’m about to have to say, is bad enough…It’s actually tragic…

The current social climate I have to say it in, is ALMOST as bad.

In multiple ways, for multiple reasons. Let me explain…

Very, very, very carefully.

Because the nature of the activism that I do, is usually suicide prevention, oriented, while I blog about all things mental health, including rape and sexual harassment (especially this year!!!), I had worried and wondered when, not if, someone either an accuser or the accused would die as a result of this, either in the form of murder or suicide.

Well, let me clarify that. I’m already know that people have gotten murdered for raping someone else’s loved one, people have died in domestic rape and assault situations both victims and perpetrators and people who have been accused and or convicted or people who’ve been violently raped have died by suicide.

And maybe somebody has already died this year (either a victim or a perpetrator) but it’s been buried in the news, we are constantly bombarded with, even for someone like me, who’s rarely on social media and on limited platforms.

I hate to say this, as it’s of personal nature and it’s honestly NOT meant to be self serving and it can be potentially hazardous to someone’s emotional health, if I don’t choose my words carefully AND if someone doesn’t read them just as carefully.

I’ve already discussed about my own rape in 1996, talking about it in greater detail than I would’ve already liked (as I really would’ve not liked to have to talk about it at all) and I made my peace with it, in my own ways, a LONG time ago.

Only going public about it, in hopes to help others.

I would NEVER want to hinder the progress that the #MeToo movement has made, which was WAY long overdue, nor they or anyone is to blame for the nature of this particular blog, and that I need to make CRYSTAL clear.

But I’ve had to relive my rape way more in 2017, than I ever did in 1996, when it actually happened.

Over and Over again. Due to the nature of social media.

Okay, I can live with that.  And not die from it, either. And I’m not being glib.

But I’m only saying this, while the #MeToo movement was SO necessary, I can’t be the only one, where I’m glad that it’s occurred, but it’s also been a trigger, that I can be okay with, but be sensitive to the fact or just aware, that while those of us, who’ve had to survive trauma like that, want all stories to be told, but it’s causing some of us to have to relive traumatic events, over and over again, as a result.

I’ve done all the soul searching in my case, where other than it being a VERY traumatic life event, it hasn’t played into any kind of self destructive behavior, like it can for other victims of rape and physical assault, as I had the same vices going out of my rape, that I did going into it, that’s the only reason why I’m mentioning it, in this particular blog.

And again, I’m trying to choose my words carefully.

As I strongly believe everyone’s (victims) stories need to be told. And while my blogs, won’t ever lead to a national dialogue (which to me, is kind of scary to me, as I really have no desire to go “viral”) it does help people talk about things that are strongly stigmatized, which is my goal, even if it’s private or helps them get the help they need.

HOWEVER, as I said in a MAJOR blog that I wrote about Harvey Weinstein and victims of rape and sexual harassment, there needs to be a dialogue on how we can best all help ALL people.

Including the predators themselves. Whether it’s in prevention or rehabilitation initiatives, for those who ARE willing to get help.

IF you do the math, most women know another women, if not a man, who’s been a victim of sexual harassment and/or rape.

In my case, where I am an activist who deals with body diversity issues and while I’m not a a clinically trained professional, I’m already fully aware of that both people of weight and anorexics, it stems from trauma caused by rape, assault and harassment, regardless of gender, socio-economics, in every age group, relationship (i.e. familial,professional or stranger) and in every religion.

So, if most, if not all of us know, someone who’s been a victim of these crimes, we obviously know someone who’s possibly done this.

Even if we DO NOT know, that they’ve actually done this.

Or sometimes people do know someone who’s done this, that they love now, who has this in their past (or present), and they can’t tell due to stigma, nor can offenders talk about what they might have done in the past, that could currently come back to haunt both them and their victims.

And that could be a deterrent on why they don’t seek professional help, either for preventative or rehabilitation purposes, due to the potential consequences.

And I’m not even going to elaborate in detail, the conversations we aren’t having about those who are victims and predators, not in the public eye, where more discussion is needed to help eliminate if not reduce rape, assault and harassment, for those who don’t have anything to lose, like the people of power, who are celebrities, as well as that there needs to be more discussion on the fact that assault victims aren’t always women abused by men. Females can be predators of either gender, and at any age.

But the above paragraph, is another in blog in itself.

I was already thinking about the potential for both victims and perpetrators might already be prone to the potential of suicide, in the last couple of months and ironically had wondered this, as this morning, when I got a phone call from a friend.

My friend had a friend, someone I had met briefly, a few years ago, for like 2 minutes.

While my friend and I had talked about unusual behavior of this friend (i.e. no-show on a job of over 2 decades) a few days ago, I was extremely  concerned.

My friend had found out today, that their friend had died last week, due to suicide, due to concerns of a past sexual assault allegation, allegedly.

Now, I’m going way out of my way to protect everyone’s identity, as they didn’t ask for me to write this blog.

I’m only writing it, because now I know someone who’s died this year, from a perp perspective and I’m sure he’s not the only one who has contemplated or will do this.

But, because  I have a serious responsibility as an activist, to not only have a voice for those who don’t have one, but to make sure I don’t cause further harm, in this case, with this topic, to those who’ve been victims of a sexual harassment or rape, too.

We need to talk about this.

We need to have support services in place. That serve and help EVERYONE.

That it hurts people, whether you care about this, based upon whether or not you like or care about the outcome of the victim and/or of the accused and/or perpetrator of these crimes.

We can’t continue to try people in the court of social media, especially in cases for people who either are victims that come forward or perpetrators who are terrified of something like this going public, so they commit suicide because they can’t or they actually DO NOT see another way out.

I’m not saying that those who’ve committed sexual harassment or rape, shouldn’t have consequences, like people in power, who are in the public eye, or any perpetrator,like we’ve seen, such as losing their careers.

Or that they shouldn’t face further consequences, in a court of law.

But it shouldn’t be okay, that people are okay with someone dying for a grope, they did a long time ago, and felt so much shame, that they would rather die, than face their family, when being scared that it was going to come out, either.

And again, it bears repeating,  I’m NOT trying to do, in any way, any kind of sexual harassment and/or rape victim shaming, which I find repugnant.

But there’s a very good reason that sexual harassment and even more heinously, the crime of  rape, usually doesn’t come with the death penalty.

We need to talk about this more so that more people, even if they aren’t so innocent, don’t die as a result, while remaining respectful to their victims.

(I do need to say, when talking about the above, I’m not talking about predators/perpetrators  who have no remorse for crimes they commit and/or who are violent and/or habitual offenders, but it’s not for me, as an activist, to say what they are due as a punishment, either)

Otherwise, there are going to be more families, blindsided, like this particular family, who now has to deal with the aftermath of a loved one who tried and convicted himself and then killed himself.

And there will be also sadly, victims of rape and sexual assault, who due to the nature of social media bullying having to be buried, too.

Note: Please ask for clarification, if one is a victim of sexual harassment or rape, before making any negative assumptions about this blog.

Also, comments that are not constructive in nature, will NOT be posted.

IMPORTANT Addendum: There are things I need to say, a little over 36 hours after publishing this blog, that I can’t go back in, without “muddying” it, even more.

One thing that I’ve tried to make clear not just in my activism in talking about rape and sexual harassment, but other mental health issues, is about the possibility, if it’s possible, with initiatives and open dialogue for PREVENTION.

Prevention of suicide. Prevention of rape and sexual harassment, as it applies to this blog.

As we have taught kids, from the time they are young,  how to describe and identify a “a good touch” versus a “a bad touch”.

But we haven’t done nearly enough in both kids and adults is talk about more means on how to prevent in the first place, so it doesn’t start at home, doesn’t  end up in schools or on the grounds, in a park, places of worship and in the workplace, to name a few.

I knew when I wrote this, it’s too soon to discuss this, though even though a couple of hours ago, a Kentucky congressman died due to suicide among allegations of molestation of a minor child.

And while I feel sad for the family and friends of both the victim and the congressman, as well as more victims that will come out and truthfully, more accused and/or perpetrators might die, so I stand by what I say, there is something else I have to say, that I would’ve rather not.

Most of my blogs, sometimes talk about the issues I’ve been up against, because I’m limited in what I can say about those I love the most.

But because it has relevance, I’m hoping that I will be forgiven, but I want it understood from the victim perspective, I get the enormous amount of damage and pain this topic causes victims.

My 14 1/2 year old daughter has been a victim of sexual harassment, groping by a peer and bullying.

And while I was a suburban kid, while I was bullied anywhere I went at her age, by words, I could take the bus, to lets say, where I live now, in Downtown Minneapolis, because then it was fun and less physically unsafe thing to do for an unaccompanied teenage minor, like it is now.

While my daughter lives in a upscale neighborhood though and she can be trusted, we live in a society, that many cannot be trusted and for that reason,she is very RARELY left or allowed to be alone, in a public setting, because of what she’s been through, as it applies to the bullying and harassment.

So if there was any doubt from a victim’s perspective of my not being extremely sensitive and empathetic, I hope there isn’t now, because I don’t think of just my daughter and son, I think everyone who’s been a victim.

 

 

another day, another massacre….

Important Disclaimer: PLEASE, if anyone you know, is capable of hurting themselves and/or has the potential to hurt or kill themselves or others, PLEASE seek immediate emergency assistance from law enforcement and/or medical/mental health professionals. IF you’re not sure, but just suspect someone is capable of causing harm to another/many, contact local emergency authorities i.e 911, who have staff that are properly trained in these potential crises to engage EMS/Crisis Intervention Teams and various Law Enforcement department/agencies,  if necessary…

samhsa-disaster-distress-helpline2
http://www.nami.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org  1-800-273-9255
http://www.211.info
http://www.befrienders.org

“Babe, I shot the kids'”…

I wasn’t going to talk or blog about  the above quote or tragedy, when a few days ago, a young mother in Texas, fatally shot her 2 daughters.

I wasn’t going to blog about the NYC terrorist attack, on Halloween.

Not because they don’t matter. All these tragic multiple fatalities whether they origin from human or other natural disasters, they ALL matter.

But here I go again, or more like here we go again, as a society, not even a month has gone by, not even a week has gone by, another tragic massacre occurred today, where a man shot and killed over 26 people and another 20+ were wounded, in a church, in a small town outside of San Antonio, Texas.

Is this just going to be our new normal? Not just nationally but globally? People will be randomly massacred, in their workplaces, schools, social gatherings, hospitals and places of worship to name of few, with NO end in sight?

I’m heartbroken for the victims and survivors of all these tragedies. I’m heartbroken for those who have to worry that it’s becoming a more clear and present danger that more innocent people will die, including those we love and ourselves, that this will become an epidemic.

I, obviously,  lack the qualifications necessary to take this on, other than hoping to start a dialogue by blogging about these tragedies and I don’t have it in me, to address each and every single one of them, even though they matter to me, like they matter to so many and they really should matter to everyone.

But the one thing that I actually CAN do and hopefully by saying what I have, when discussing repeatedly about mental health/domestic terror  issues that cause fatalities in others, is to be very CLEAR that we cannot become numb or apathetic, because it’s too scary to have to think about it happening to so many innocent lives being lost for so many different reasons.

Because it’s too scary to think, that the reality is, it’s becoming more apparent that this could happen to someone we love, where they are murdered in a massacre of any kind.

Or in a domestic situation. Or due to road rage. Or the many reasons that factor into these tragedies, that seem like they are not within the realm of our control.

Apathy can work wonders when hatred leads to hateful words that harm others.

Apathy cannot help, when it comes to hatred that causes someone to ACT in a manner that causes harm or death.

My sympathies and prayers go out to all the victims and their families and friends so tragically effected by all these tragedies and the tragic massacre that took place, today at First Baptist.

Note: At the time this blog is being published, the mass murderer/domestic terrorist, has just been identified, although his motives are unknown.

I’m kindly asking, if a dialogue should take place, as a result of this blog, I realize that he used guns to commit this horrific tragedy, but I choose to identify him a different way, not just the “Texas Church Shooter”.

As I believe that it’s getting people NO WHERE, where if the only dialogue people are capable are having is ONLY based upon gun control when it comes to these heinous acts.

And instead of talking about the victims, people are digitally verbally eviscerating one another based upon weapons and too much attention is placed on the murderers, and NOT the victims themselves or the need to talk about WHY people are commiting these tragedies versus HOW, let alone on prevention, IF they are preventable.

So if that’s the only type of dialogue people choose to have with this blog, please do so, somewhere else. Thanks.

Editorial note: Blog published on 11-5-2017

 

The horrible messages that society and the media SHOULD NOT be promoting, when discussing Harvey Weinstein, rapists, rape victims, assault and sexual harassment….

http://www.rainn.org

Trigger Warnings: If you or someone you know is in danger of hurting someone else, please seek acute medical/mental health treatment and or contact law enforcement. If you’ve been a victim of rape or sexual harassment know that in addition to the links above, that there are multiple avenues of support for people to get support and recover from the trauma physically and mentally that this can cause, if in acute need, please get acute help from a professional, in an appropriate setting. The same could be said, though if it happened a long time ago and have decided to get support, now.

Goddamn it!!!

I didn’t want to  have to write this blog. I thought for how much discussion about rape and sexual harassment was being discussed by public figures I adore, I wouldn’t have to say the following, below.

That someone I’d adore who’s in the public eye,would bring this up, but sadly that hasn’t been the case, so here we go…

I like most people (and being an activist who tries to remove stigma) has been horrified like most decent people, when it came out that Harvey Weinstein, a powerful Hollywood mogul had raped, sexually assaulted and harassed multiple women for decades, both actresses, female reporters and other women have now come forward.

Since the story broke, it’s leading to a very necessary dialogue we have to have as a society regarding rape and sexual harassment, both in the workplace and out of it.

It’s easy to go for the jugular, or in this case, above and below Harvey Weinstein’s  neck, as far as making derogatory statements that are justified about what he did, but also what he looks like.

And that is the REASON for this blog. In seeing in the media the jokes about his looks and his weight, sends a HORRIBLE multi-complex message, to perpetrators and victims alike, that while his money and power was something that allowed him to get away with despicable crimes he perpetuated on his victims,for decades. And if the looks and fat shaming of a rapist, if that reasoning for hate on rapists or murderers existed, exclusive to that population, ALONE, I probably wouldn’t lose much sleep at night, but it isn’t and that mindset hurts millions of innocent people regardless of their size.

Let me explain.

As it  sends a very misguided and dangerous message that only not attractive men are perps in these horrible crimes but that only conventionally attractive or beautiful women can ONLY be victims.

Rape and sexual harassment can have victims of both women and men. That isn’t being questioned. It shouldn’t be perpetuated in any form that someone who is not considered by society’s stringent standards of beauty, that people who aren’t considered conventionally attractive aren’t victims.

We saw this exemplified last year, when women spoke out against Donald Trump, who had said to the effect of “Look at her, like I’d even want that?!?!”.

I’m in no way wanting to change the good that’s coming out of the national dialogue about rape and sexual harassment both in the workplace and outside of it.

It just needs to be expanded on and it needs to include that we have to have to establish and educate that both rapists and their victims can be of all ages, all genders and all shapes, sizes, personal and professional relationships and within consideration of what’s considered attractive and in all socio-economic backrounds.

That we need to educate people on how to get help for their predatory violent behavior and have resources in place for that, in helps for prevention.

We have to have more resources and a safer and evolved society that realizes that there are victims of all ages, genders, races, religions and shapes and sizes.

And to start this education, from the time people are young.

I remember when I was 25, as a young mother participating in Early Childhood Family Education, that we once watched a video, about “Stranger Danger” of how to teach our children that you cannot go by the way someone looks, to determine whether or not is a danger. I really wish something like that existed now, where it’s more needed than ever.

When I was raped, at the age of 26,  I didn’t say anything because I was fat single mother of 1 and my rapist was someone who was considered attractive, as well as accomplished.

I didn’t think anyone would believe me and in my life, other than a blog or two, where I only started mentioning it, was because a rape victim, who was victimized repeated at a young age by her brother, had gone viral.

I only personally healed from that, unconventionally, because I spared myself further trauma by NOT talking about it. Because I could chalk up my rapist as an asshole, as in my case, he didn’t know anything but my name and my phone number. I couldn’t have beared to put what I went through out there to the  people who I care about and risk whatever unsupportive thing they may have had to say about it.

And that’s AWFUL, as it applies to me. And I can’t be the only person who’s had to have that mindset.

I feel obviously then, heartbreakingly awful for the victims of any rape, incest, physical assault and sexual harassment. I think that the bravery of Harvey Weinstein’s victims or anyone who comes forward is commendable, but also and his victims stories and his heinous actions, have to be the start of a much more comprehensive dialogue on rape and rape victims, where ALL victims of rape,incest  and sexual harassment can safely tell their experiences and have the opportunity for support and healing.

But we can’t make inroads of prevention of rape,incest  and sexual harassment without more resources for discussing openly on the complex multi-faceted why people rape and sexual harass without blaming their victims and to have treatment options before they ever offend. That perpetrators and victims are of all ages, genders, sexual preference, races, religion, socio-economics, individual perceptions of attractiveness and shapes and sizes.

Note: I have both as an activist and a personal investment in the reasons that played in the need for me to write this blog. If you want to find out how much hate there is, towards unconventional people who are victims of rape and physical assault, try looking for a meme, like I did, before writing this blog.

It’s a bunch of hateful bullshit that makes mockery of the idea of rape in people who aren’t considered conventionally attractive fat or thin. That’s hurtful to any human being who’s been violated physically and/or emotionally with rape and harassment and it hurts everyone.

Additional Note/Clarification/Edited after receiving anonymous hate:

I didn’t realize I had to spell out what happened to me, personally, of what I define as rape. I normally don’t do this, because not only do I have parents on the internet, so are my children.

I met someone unfortunately in their home, on 1/1/1996, a blind date, that was supposed to lead to going out to lunch. I realized the very second, I walked into that man’s home, that I made a mistake, it was a gut instinct and said I had a headache and needed to go home. He forcefully  grabbed by the arm and said I wasn’t going anywhere. I said please no, but I didn’t fight him, because he said he wouldn’t hurt me if I gave him what he wanted and kept  quiet.

So the specifics of my rape was forceful vaginal and anal penetration that led to bleeding and oral that led to gagging that I held back my vomit, to not further upset him. Did he beat me up or cause any further injury other than when he grabbed my arm and then physically violated me, that way? NO. When he was done, he said I could go and I left.

I couldn’t cry or show being upset, right after it happened,  either, when I left, because I had to pick up my 2 1/2 year old son, who was being babysat by my parents. I couldn’t cry or be upset, when I got home, because I didn’t want to upset my son. I went to work the next day and went on with my life. I was NOT okay, for the first 6 months afterwards, but I couldn’t show it.

This is what I mean when and why people are afraid go forward with their stories about rape and sexual assault. IF a woman is attractive, she’s asking for it. Or there’s many other consequences such as the victims of Harvey Weinstein, have showed why those women didn’t say anything.

If she’s not considered attractive and deemed unfuckable, by most people, it’s not believable an attractive accomplished man would do that. And if both attractive people and people who aren’t considered attractive, they get blamed should they press charges, if the charges stick and they are put on trial, right along with the people who commit these crimes. And it’s worse now that victims get tried in the court of social media.

Unless people are more evolved and understand the dynamics of rape and sexual harassment. It’s about humiliation. It’s about power, regardless of socio-economics. Rapists and sexual harassers can be parents, they can be children of any age, they can be family members, spouses and significant others, they can be doctors, teachers, fellow students, friends, police officers, members of the clergy of any religion, among many other populations.

I guess if someone felt the need to question in a derogatory way, I hope they only chose me. I hope they realize the harm, because it wasn’t asked in an innocent way, that I don’t choose to talk about the specifics of it normally, the little I do now, as an activist who works with people who have PTSD issues as a result of both childhood and adult trauma, because it isn’t helpful to either myself or who I’m trying to help as I don’t want people in medical and mental health crisis, to have to worry about me, as well as what I said about my parents and my kids being on the internet.

So whoever felt that need to do that, congratulations for not being a rapist or someone who’s capable of violent crime.

You still are an asshole that could work on your regard and trying to have empathy or at least apathy, for human beings, because if you can’t be part of the solution, don’t try to make people’s problems worse for them!!!

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