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Archive for the ‘Eating Disorders’ Category

New Year’s Resolutions: Do you make them? Why or why not?



I haven’t made a New Year’s Resolution since I had my Gastric Bypass in December of 2001. I still made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, because I honestly believed that my surgery wouldn’t work. And even though it did, both short term (even though the 1st 30 lbs that I lost, the 1st month I had surgery was NOT noticeable, by the 2nd month, it was noticeable) and I went on to lose more weight, exceeding weight loss and fitness goals I never thought I’d achieve, let alone thought were possible, as well as complications and major regain issues, which are in other blogs of mine, in greater detail.

This again, is NOT an “anti-wls” blog.

I normally though don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions and I haven’t made them since  New Year’s Eve of 2001. Doesn’t mean that  I don’t have life goals, because I do. Even now that I’m more complex disabled than I ever dreamed and am not living the live I set out to, in 2002, when my life was better than I could’ve dreamed possible as well as becoming a horrific disaster that I could’ve never imagined.

If the picture above has any relevance to me, it’s that some of them have been recent life goals for me. I did lose 50 lbs in the last 14 months. I did make fitness goals that I exceeded. Which was to walk 15 miles in one day. I actually was achieving another goal, which was to travel out of state, and I did that when I went to Las Vegas in  late September/early October of 2015. And I exceeded that walking goal, on Halloween of 2015, when I got over 16 miles of walking in, in one day.

Part of the reason why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, is that they don’t usually work for me. And when I fail at them, it makes me feel worse, which usually leads to other  self destructive behavior and self esteem problems, that have a tendency to make life worse for me, not better.

I’m not saying they can or cannot work for others, I’m just talking about myself. That I have to make an effort to improve my life, when my life dictates it’s needed. Not by a calendar or holiday that the only significance it should have, is that any new day, we can start over or make changes that will improve our own lives and/or the lives of others.

Because when it comes to issues regarding self improvement, the only person I really feel the need to be accountable to, is to myself. But because that doesn’t always work in areas of my life, that I’m working on, I am doing better of asking support when I need it, with like minded individuals, such as in matters of weight and fitness, but I’m also continuing to strive for balance, so I can’t get too caught up on weight /eating issues (and another specific blog to that, will be written shortly about that).

I do have new goals for 2016. Some of them are not likely to happen, such as going further west than Las Vegas this year, such as wanting to go to California, ideally Los Angeles or San Diego, which I had wanted to, last year, but couldn’t afford it as I’d like to see the Pacific Ocean, as well as feel it, before I die or become more disabled.

I’d like to get 20 miles of walking in one day, in this upcoming new year. I’m planning on evaluating why this former Certified Personal Trainer, who still does have weight loss goals and fitness goals and knows the importance of strength training, of why I’m not doing that already, as I know it would help. And I know it’s a form of self sabotage, as I still do that with food (again, will be discussing that more in my next blog).

I’m most certainly as a Size/Fat Acceptance advocate and activist, NOT trying to trigger those who have issues with our societies’s obsession with weight and fitness. But I have to be true to myself, both personally and as well as the fact, some people do find it helpful to know that people can lose weight after major regain issues, whether or not they have had bariatric surgery. That’s why with some reluctance, I’m going to post a “before and current” picture collage of myself.

pic furthest to the left, 9/2001, 2nd to the left 7-2005, 2nd to the right, 10/2009, furthest to the right, 12-2-2015, on my 46th birthday and 3 days before the 14th “anniversary” of my gastric bypass which was 12-5-2001)

I’m still working on being a better activist. And I’m hoping to achieving other areas I’d like to do activism and advocacy for. I’m still evaluating of whether or not I’d like to  purchase the internet domain for both “unstapledlisa” and my business I’d like to re-purpose for “Not Your Typical Old Maid”, which was the name of my business that I was going to launch when I was going to start my business in 2005, as a Certified Personal Trainer, Bariatric Coach (both weight loss surgery and non weight loss surgery specific and with the intention of doing this both locally and nationally). as well as I was going to sub-specialize in adaptive and rehabilitative personal training, even for those who didn’t have weight loss of any kind as a goal.

But I had felt about fitness,  at that time, as well as currently, that it could help people be in better physical and mental health, that wasn’t all weight or eating related. Even though this was before I was diagnosed with my mental health issues, I  had already realized that what people’s “best health” could look like varies drastically between us, for many complex reasons.

I’m still working on but do fairly well, for someone who does have Bipolar 2, of finding middle ground in how I live my life, with balance. As sometimes Bipolar for me, and I’m not mocking it, in any way, is not just a mood disorder and a personality disorder, but a lifestyle, but I’m really good at not habitually abusing myself with any thing, substance or person, and I’m trying to work on, which will always be a work in progress.

I’m trying all of this, of course, for many reasons. On top of the list, is to be a better example for my almost 13 year old daughter. As I get more disabled, the likelihood of my having the relationship I’d ideally want, full time, with my daughter, becomes less likely, as I get more disabled. But it’s still important that I still continue to try as hard as I can, that I show more than in just words, but in actions, of doing things to make my daughter and  my adult son have something to be proud of me for, as well as the rest of my family.

But I also realize the importance of having a need of all this self improvement and self esteem work and growth, be for myself. In my case, I never thought of myself, as other bariatric patients (or anyone who’s overcame something that was a major life struggle, whether it be weight related or not), who think of themselves as a “new and improved” or different person.

I’m not saying that can’t work for a lot of others. It just doesn’t work for me. It’s in my best interest, to look at myself as the “same girl” with different circumstances and a different way of coping with them, but trying to act more in being the best I can, with the complex disabilities that I have.

In addition to working on my relationship with my self, I do also want to work on my relationships with others. Whether or not it’s constructive to add new friendships/relationships and evaluating and coming to a resolution of what relationships are not in my best interest, going forward.

And finally,  continuing on trying to make my peace with my past, and celebrate who and what was the best things to happen to my life, as well as not dwell on what was the worst parts of my life.

Here are my questions for discussion for my dear readers, if they choose to participate (I do ask because I am a Size/Fat Acceptance and soon to be more of a Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disordered blogger and activist) you frame your answers being specific to what’s best for you in your life. I will allow for my bariatric peeps, as some of them do believe in the work they do to combat Obesity, some leeway, but please realize your answers could be possibly be triggering to another reader of mine, so please try to be respectful of that. Also you can be as specific and as vague as you like if that would be in your best interest.

1. Do you make New Year’s Resolutions or life goals at any time of the year? Why or why not? What kind have you made and have you kept them? What was the most significant life changing New Years or life goal resolution you ever made?

2. If you make New Year’s Resolutions and/or life goals, does it help you to be specific and have a time table? Or does it work better for you if you don’t do that?

3. For those who are working on losing weight, do you find it helpful to do that with a support of a like minded on and/or off community. Do you find that it’s more helpful or hurtful to have losing weight as a single minded focus, or do you find it’s easier and or better for you, to do that as one component in improving one’s life, physically, mentally and emotionally?

4. For those who are triggered by our global obsession with fat, food and fitness, what do you do both around the new year and well every day, to get you less triggered by all the talk about the importance of weight loss, food intake and fitness. Or the fact that people generally consider those of larger size, unhealthy, how do you avoid getting hurt by that, personally? What would you like to say if you had a captive audience, of how hurtful that can be to another?

5. As far as the picture featured on top of the blog, are there any of them that you are working on? If some of them are something you’ve already achieved, how did you do that. What are you struggling with, the most? And do you realize those are only suggestions of areas that people can find happiness with making resolutions. That one is more likely to achieve a goal, when they do so because they want to feel better about themselves, not because they feel terrible about themselves.

If you can’t discuss either what I’ve said or the questions above, in a forum, like this, it still may help to ask yourself these questions and answer them, privately. Either internally or with people that you trust.

I’m wishing you all, a happy, healthy and wonderful new year. For those who are struggling, know that you aren’t alone and help is there, if you need it. While I ideally recommend professional medical and mental health help, please feel free to reach out to me, either on my blog publicly, privately or via email.

I cannot though stress though, that I, nor anyone on the internet, can help as much as a clinically trained medical and/or mental health provider who evaluates and treats you, in person.  I also have to stress, sometimes it takes trying more than one provider, to find the right help for you.

Note: Any comment that could possibly triggering to another, will NOT be published….


Fat Chance/”Hellthy” part 2………….


(No copyright infringement intended with image or video)

It’s not over until the fat lady sings, or in my case, because I sound like a “rooster on crack” when I sing, when this fat lady tells you that other than not eating a tapeworm, cutting off her tongue and trying Nutrisystem, that I’ve done everything else to lose weight and keep it off.

Oh, and I lest I forget, I haven’t tried pouring kerosene all over my obscenely HUGE and ugly midsection and turkey neck, to rid of the weight. Shame on me for not trying (dripping copious amounts of sarcasm).

I’m apparently not being clear here, so I’ll clear things up about myself and what a pathetic society I’m living in now.

I will NOT allow my legacy as an activist or as person be defined as that chick who had her gastric bypass reversed when she was a size 14, almost NINE years after living with really bad complications, to save her life, in 2010 (hence the reason for pic on blog, as I get looked as fat Unicorn on crack, when people find out that my gastric bypass was just taken down).

And feel like I have to constantly apologize that I didn’t want to be thin, enough, to just let myself die from gastric bypass complications, when my surgeon first refused to revise me and then had to reverse me, to save my life, but sicker then any health issues, medically that I NEVER had due to being fat. I’ve had all the psychological stuff though that comes from being fat, causes. There’s a common misconception about both  my major regain prior to my reversal and my mental health issues. I started losing it mentally while I still was THIN. I’m not saying there wasn’t good things about being thin, but I paid dearly for it. Gaining almost all my weight back due to meds from late 2007 to early 2010, was by far NOT the worst thing to happen to me.

I’m NOT going to apologize, though, for defending the weight loss surgery community for the right and relief they have, of having weight loss surgery. Whether it’s health directed or NOT. We live in a society that demonizes people who are fat, I understand better than anyone, the myriad of reasons of why people have weight loss surgery. Or want to lose weight.

I’m MOST DEFINITELY NOT going to apologize FOR  the Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance community for being outraged and my being in absolute agreement with them, that we need to stop bigotry and oppression of fat people and the answer to that, can’t just be eradicate “Obesity”. It should be unacceptable to judge people so harshly based upon how much space a person takes up. Or what size they wear.

And I’m definitely NOT going to apologize to those who have to suffer from thin or skinny shaming or bashing, for defending them. There is NO privilege when we oppress anyone. We’ve stigmatized being fat so much, that try finding the statistics of how many people die due to Anorexia Nervosa. You can’t, because it’s all tied in with the “Obesity Crisis”. And we wonder why people literally die starving to death with food in front of them!!!!

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve heard most of my life that I’m too fat or for 3 years, I was too thin. Because of the “risky easy way out”  gastric bypass I had REALLY? Seriously? OK….

DO NOT say that you don’t care what people weigh, as long as they are “healthy”. FUCK YOU!!! People’s measure of others health and self worth is based upon a status on Facebook and what they look like on Instagram. Most people REALLY don’t care about health outside of that. Who are you trying to kid??? I’m not saying that I don’t have people who don’t care about me as a person, on social media, because I do have people who care about me. But your average “health” samaritan, is qualifying my “health” based upon my weight. NOT based upon my low blood pressure, my a1c of a 3, or the fact as a 2 pack a day smoker, I can actually walk intensely for 6 miles, often, while DISABLED and not keel over.

I never commented on the video, that’s posted above,  when it first went viral. While I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Louis C.K.’s comedy (he either makes me laugh hysterically or REALLY uncomfortable) kudos to him, for describing my and many fat women’s experiences. BUT not every fat women’s experience. But if you wanna have some idea of what it’s like to be fat, if you’ve never been, not only should you watch the video. READ the comments, which I was stupid enough to do, about a week ago. And maybe the reason for this blog, will make more sense to you. If you are sensitive to weight issues, I advise you NOT to read the comments. They are absolutely HORRIBLE.

I’ve really given a lot of thought of just giving up as an activist. I mean, I did keep off 50 lbs which if I wouldn’t have shrunk 2 inches as a result of my gastric bypass, in the last 13 years, would’ve made my weight loss 1/2 my excess weight. Which is the ONLY indication of a successful bariatric surgery. So basically I have 6 more lbs to lose and then everyone can consider my gastric bypass to be a success.

Do you see how RIDICULOUS this all is???????

But the point I’m trying to make, when I think of giving up is, that I’m a “baby fat” by SA/FA standards and most of society. I take up one seat on the bus. I fit into a booth comfortably. Unless I’m at Bebe or Guess? where very little of their clothes fit me, while my closet contains both misses and plus clothes, I’m on the smaller spectrum of being “plus sized”.

I could just go on with my very small life and no one would know what I’ve been through. And maybe I’d be better off ,not making my most personal hurts and failures, public. It’s almost masochistic of me that I continue to do this. However I know what I’ve been through. I know when sitting on a psych ward for 35 days,  6 1/2 years ago, there was 2 other people in my school, who used to be as bullied as I was who were frequent flyers in the mental health system. I’m in awe that I lasted 38 1/2 years without a nervous breakdown. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a bullied kid in the digital era. I’m struggling to make it as an adult. I know that dozens of people have told me that my activism and my blog has helped them, though. And I couldn’t live the very small life I do, without trying my hardest, to live an altruistic life.

I just want to tell you while almost EVERYONE  worries about how much someone weighs and the negative messages that the average person hears negatively about fat, of who we give a pass on social media and outside of it. Drug Addicts and dealers. Murders, Rapists and Pedophiles. People who are on social media while operating a motor vehicle.

Maybe, instead of being worried about what others put in their mouths, we worry more instead of what we are putting in others brains and psyches. Most of society is rapidly becoming a vapid, short attention span, narcissistic, can’t look up from their cell phone types, of people.

It shouldn’t be harder as we go forward to just exist in our society, as it becomes more technologically advanced, we get more backwards as people. It’s not progress that people have many ways now to tell others , of just how much they HATE them.

I’m now 45 years old. I lived longer than anyone could have expected (because of medical health issues and gastric bypass complications), including myself. I’ve been defined, horribly bullied and subjected to bias and hate for almost FORTY years now. For being fat and ugly. I didn’t live this long  and live through what I did, to not see things and try to take positive action to be a part of the solution.

And make no mistake about it, for how much I say that will try to help fat shaming and oppression there’s a thousand (I’m sure I’m vastly underestimating) hateful things being said to someone who’s fat, right now. I can’t say though until there’s a major initiative or shift in change of thinking, in our society on what we define as “healthy”, that much is going to change. It’s not going to and that’s probably what’s so disheartening to me.

That doesn’t mean though that until I lose all ability to think in intelligent thought, speak and be able to type that I will keep my mouth shut. I won’t.

I didn’t survive all this shit, to not try and help others, not define themselves by weight and not lose their psyches or their lives to this.

I’ll be damned if I give up now………………….

“Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline”

There’s one thing that’s fundamental to a bariatric surgical patient’s success, that isn’t being talked about in the weight loss surgery communities, at all. Or if it is, it hasn’t made it on my radar and I’ve got a lot of social media ties, with a lot of the most popular weight loss surgery advocates.

What I’m referring to in my definition “Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline”, it’s not mocking bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder, nor is it putting that diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder and/or Borderline, on all of the weight loss surgery community. It’s a “lisaism” of sorts, of personality or mood traits that I see in a lot of weight loss surgery patients, that while it may not sabotage their weight loss, it definitely does sabotage their happiness, post weight loss surgery. As well as those who are around them. And it definitely has an adverse effect on their mental health.

To explain this better, I’ll create a persona that’s a composite of a lot of weight loss surgery people who I know on social media, who have “Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline”. I’ll call her “RockingIT Regina Rny”.  She’s 3 years status post gastric bypass. And has lost 200 lbs. And seems to be very happy and healthy. On the exterior. But she’s really NOT. You’ll have to use your imagination, somewhat, of trying to get, as far as my trying to create what it’s like to have a social media tie, with people like this. So here’s to a “Day in the life of Regina”….

RockingIT ReginaRny (6:12am): Is getting her fitness on. Here’s to another amazing spinning class. Later, Gators… RockingIT ReginaRny is at Workout World

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:12am): Phew. Glad that’s over. INTENSE. Is drinking a YUMMY protein cherry cheesecake shake from the amazing people at Bariatric Barbarians (feel free to check out my newest giveaway from them at my blog). Gonna surf the net and can’t wait to go shopping and out to lunch. For my wls peeps, remember, take your vitamins!!! Later!!!

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:14am): RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture on Instagram. “Just chillin with the world’s best puppy”

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:16am): RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture to Pinterest. “Yum!!! Gonna have to try and make this Tofu Tiramisu with roasted hot peppers. NOT only is it 12 calories and 180 grams of protein, but the peppers have a metabolic effect and you actually LOSE WEIGHT. YAY!!!”

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:19am): RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture on Instagram: #SBS (Swing Back Saturday). “I made the most important decision of my life, 4 years ago to have wls. I’m proud that I’ve lost and maintained my weight for 22 months now. I’m now 1011 days, 6 hours, 24 minutes and 15 seconds post rny and can say I’ve NEVER been happier or healthier in my life. #SBS #200poundsGONEFOREVER #RockingMYTool #BESTdecisionofMYLIFE

RockingIT ReginaRny (11:02am): RockingIT ReginaRny and VirginiaVSG is at The Cheesecake Factory.

RockingIT ReginaRny (11:29am):  RockingIT ReginaRny  posted a picture on Instagram. “Split a side salad w/my homegirl. And a super healthy DELICIOUS fruit cup. Have 95.8 % left over.” #wlswinningit

RockingIT ReginaRny (12:17pm) RockingIT ReginaRny is with VirginiaVSG at Bebe. “I suck!!! Went from a size 0 to a 2.My SUPER HUGE muffin top is hanging all of these jeans that SHOULD be big on me.  Shouldn’t have had a spritz of the vinagrette on my 4 bites of salad. I AM HUGE NOW. Will recommit. #regainsucks

RockingIT ReginaRny(1:02pm) RockingIT ReginaRny is with VirginiaVSG at Guess.

RockingIT ReginaRny(1:11pm) RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture to Instagram. “YAY!!! I don’t suck, after all. Finally fit into a pair of jeans that I’ve been eyeing for 2 months now!!! In a size -12. I exceeded my goals beyond my wildest dreams. I’m crying tears of joy. I hope you can enjoy this moment with me, and if you are struggling after weight loss surgery, hit me up, I’d be more than happy to help!!!” #wlsrocks

RockingIT ReginaRny(1:47pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny is with VirginiaVSG at Victoria’s Secret. “I practically freaking tripped over my sagging boobies when walking in here. WTF? Who goes from a 48E to a 28AA? But I’m living my dream being able to shop from here. Can’t believe in 4 weeks, 2 days,6 hours and 15 minutes, I’ll be having my reconstructive surgeries. Breast lift, implants and my tummy tuck. It’s dragging. Both my boobs and the time. But that can be my 2nd new birthday, after my rny. YAY!!!: #ifyoucandreamityoucanbeit

RockingIT ReginaRny(4:17pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny ran 3.25 miles with MapMyRun.

RockingIT ReginaRny(5:49pm):  DEVOURING a yummy triple chocolate chip protein bar for din-din, now that I’m back home. 90 calories and 285 grams of protein. Now off to get some more fitness on at my 7pm Zumba class.

RockingIT ReginaRny(6:52pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny is at Workout World. “Get ‘er done”.

RockingIT ReginaRny(9:42pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny shared her stats from Fitbit. “WTG, Me!!! 3000 ounces of water, 517 calories eaten, 9,817 calories burned for the day. I REALLY find it helpful to log my food, water and fitness. While I did great with protein, I probably didn’t need the freaking 8 carbs I ate today. Tomorrow, I’ll do better!!!  But I’ve got this!!! EVERYONE who’s had to battle OBESITY, should have weight loss surgery, though. Goin to bed.” #winning #fitnessqueen #justsaynotocarbs

RockingIT ReginaRny(9:47pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture on Instagram. “Me in my super cute, size girls 14-16 jammies from Target. Unfortunately the waist band is rubbing against my tummy. Which is HUGE. I am so FAT!!! Tomorrow I start 5DPT. Anyone wanna join me? Gonna cry myself to sleep. #wlswarriors #nevergiveup

Okay, first off, Don’t EVEN think about it. That is, that you’re going to write off what I’m trying to say, in finding fault with my own weight loss surgery “journey”. Or me as a person. Because you recognized a “BBB” trait. Don’t go there. Well, you can. But at the end of the day, when those who have nothing better to do than try to find fault with someone who is trying to help you see the importance of balance, you aren’t going to hurt me. I know what I am and what I’m not.Telling me I am jealous, fat, wordy, CRAZY, weight loss surgery fat failure bitch, is something I’ve heard about eleventeen bazillion times.

For those who thinks stuff like that hurts me, let alone is TRUE, well you are WRONG. And you are gonna have to reach a little harder or use a little more creativity, to hurt me.

I am not mocking any of you, if you bristle because you recognize your “BBB”. What I’m trying to do is HELP. As the point I’m trying to make, is that, I understand the duality if not the mixed complex feelings that a bariatric surgical post operative goes through. The point I’m trying to make is that very few people can find some balance, when almost all their thoughts and everything they say is weight or food related. I’m not speaking in absolutes. I’m not saying this is a problem for ALL weight loss surgery peeps, just for quite a few of them.

There are those in the weight loss surgery community, who are able to successfully pull off, personally and professionally having a single minded focus on weight loss, fitness and what foods they eat. The problem is that most weight loss surgery post operatives, cannot do this, without it causing a lot of problems for themselves. As well as others, most of the time. The who can, are few and far between.

The concern I have with the “Reginas” and/or those who have “Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline” is there is NO balance. There has to be a better measure of success, post weight loss surgery than just being able to eat what’s considered healthy, exercise and keep either all or the majority of one’s weight loss , off.

One of the major factors with all of this, is the rapid weight loss. Note, I said rapid, I DID NOT say EASY. I’ve seen thousands of before and afters. I get where the confusion about identity, physically and emotionally, post weight loss surgery, as some people DO look like completely different people, after weight loss surgery. And they don’t recognize, because sometimes their exteriors, they ACTUALLY look like different people. And in their fear of becoming fat again, they think taking a single minded approach to everything being related to them keeping their weight off, is the only way that they will become physically healthier.

But it’s at an enormous expense, when we define people by weight only. Whether within ourselves or in others. If we don’t start to try and encourage BALANCE, in the weight loss surgery communities, all generations of weight loss surgery post operatives are continually going to go through the same cycles that are negative to their mental health.

And if you don’t have mental fitness and BALANCE, it won’t matter, at least emotionally/mentally if how much weight you keep off or how physically fit, you become.

The best way you can help yourself and/or others in the weight loss surgery communities, is first, realize this is a problem, for quite a few in the community. Then realizing either by peer support, therapy, or within yourself, finding out what your particular barriers are, to finding balance, as a weight loss surgery post operative. Then making a vow to find balance by finding people, hobbies and causes that are NOT weight related.

I did a mental exercise, a few days ago, with my weight loss surgery peeps in a private group that I belong to on Facebook. I dared them to find FIVE qualities about themselves that they liked that had NOTHING to do with weight. The sad thing is, a lot of people really struggled with that. Whether they were a weight loss surgery pre-operative to a long term weight loss surgery post operative.

I am challenging, if you are weight loss surgery peep (or even if you’re not), either pre-op or post op, to do the same mental exercise of finding 5 positive qualities about yourself, that you have that have nothing to do with weight or weight loss. If you want to put them in the comments, feel free. And I’m not judging anyone with this particular blog or if you struggled trying to do this and admit it.

The the primary reason why I’m writing this, is that if you don’t have balance, mental agility and mental fitness, and ONLY define yourself by quantitative and qualitative measure, as far as weight loss surgery being not only the best thing to happen to you, but that’s the thing that you’re most proud of, even if you don’t crash and burn, which a lot of weight loss surgery people, do, because they don’t understand the importance of NOT having your weight/weight loss be the most defining thing about you, it will be harder for you (and those around you) to really enjoy life, in a meaningful way.

It’s not going to hurt me, AT ALL, if you choose to disregard this or not see this as a problem. I own my own issues. While there’s a lot of things that I’m insecure about, I am secure in the roles that I play in the weight loss surgery community to give support and get it, as well as ANYTHING I choose to do activism for.

And I’ll be damned, if I let anyone define what my legacy as a person is going to be. It’s not going to be defined by how much I weigh or my disabilities, and that’s something I’m personally committed to.

Now, I want to know what you are personally committed to, as far as growth, personally and/or professionally, if you are a weight loss surgery peep, that has NOTHING to do with your EXTERIOR.

Note: Same rules apply. I always welcome lively debate. I will not post any comments that triggering or disrespectful. I’m not saying that anyone is bad for being happy for losing weight. I am saying it’s bad for you and/or others, if that’s only thing you can define yourself by.


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Pictures on the top, taken on my 45th birthday/12/2/2014.  Picture on the bottom taken 12/10/2014

“Everything that KILLS me, make me feel ALIVE”

I had started a blog, yesterday, that I thought eloquently would tie in why I share the health beliefs that I do, both medical and mental health. About weight issues and body diversity. From an activist point of view. I decided to make this blog though, personal. The title of this blog, is not a typo. I’ll explain as I go along.

I had decided after showing signs that I was possibly headed for having a stroke to finally quit smoking (I have low to normal blood pressure, NOW, ONLY because I am now a heavy smoker, in the last 2 years) but prior to that, even though I’ve been a smoker and borderline “morbidly obese”, at my heaviest, have always had low blood pressure. I had orthostatic pulmonary HYPOtension after my gastric bypass both at my thinnest and heaviest until my reversal. I’ve never had one health issue that’s considered a “co-morbidity of Obesity”.

Tomorrow is my quit date for smoking. I’m allowing myself to smoke cigarettes until the end of tonight. But no more smoking cigarettes after that. I purchased a vaping pipe with menthol flavored liquid with NO nicotine, on my 45th birthday, 2 weeks ago. Ideally, I’d like to be both tobacco AND nicotine free.

BUT…. Make NO mistake about it, I am NOT quitting smoking for my “health”. While I don’t try to be inherently “unhealthy” medically or mentally, I’ve been way too broken, for way too long, to do anything that’s health dictated. I just don’t want to end up, as gut instinct tells me, someone who’s in imminent danger of stroking out and being in a nursing home, by the time I turn 46. If you’ve read other blogs of mine, it’s understandable, why my freedom of choice is so important, as well as my ability to remain living independently.

As many things I talk about in my blog that are horribly painful about what played a part in my being so broken, there are certain things, I can’t or choose NOT to say, because I have a responsibility as an activist, while not to be an example, but have to be super sensitive to my reader base, that I don’t trigger anyone.

However, I’m finding that people are finding and reading my blog, because they are fat haters and are looking for someone, I’m thinking to pick on, as I do have keywords such as “fat activism” that fat hater trolls use to pick on size acceptance/fat acceptance bloggers.

What’s shocking me, is that while I’ve gotten a little bit of hate from those trolls, they aren’t bothering me very much and I don’t know if I should even be offended by that.

I’ve never done anything that’s been driven by the desire to be in good health. It’s not shocking, that I don’t have a high sense of self esteem, given everything I’ve been through. I’ve been bullied for weight and looks issues from the time I was in preschool to current times. At the same time, I’ve never purposely made myself sick, to get attention.

While I love my weight loss surgery peeps, I do shock them by saying that my gastric bypass was not driven by health, either. I  hated myself being fat and ugly, in a world that’s hated me for being fat and ugly. However, I was no more well received when I was thin. And while at my thinnest and fittest, I had loved exercise and that was a healthy coping mechanism, I stuck with it because I got endorphin highs and because I did enjoy being thin (most of it), although I did pay dearly for thin privilege.

I go into more detail about my issues with body dysmorphia, In what is kind of sadly, in what I think is the best blog I’ve ever written. It also has pics at my heaviest both before and after my gastric bypass. While I don’t care so much about that, given what’s said in my anonymous hate mail, quite of few of you, actually do.

This is my 52nd blog that I’ve NOW written. I’ve gone in pretty good detail why I feel the way I do about weight matters,anti-bullying and the medical and mental health advocacy I’ve tried to accomplish.

But if I am going to be an ethical activist, I have to admit my struggles with certain things. While I passionately advocate for size acceptance, I’m terrified of when trying to quit smoking, that I’ll gain weight. I admit that I’ve been trying to lose weight (and I have, but I weight cycle a lot) , even though I’ve had to make my peace with the fact, that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever be be thin again.

I picked up smoking at the age of 15. I picked up smoking, of course, to lose weight. I picked up bulimia after my pregnancy with my son, at the age 22,  when I had no choice, due to hyperemesis of pregnancy, that while I didn’t purposely make myself throw up when pregnant, I found it was something I could do, even if I didn’t become thin from it, to be less fat, after my son was born (because I had hyperemesis with both kids, for my entire pregnancies, not only did I not gain weight, I lost weight when pregnant).

I find it kind of nauseating though that we live in a society that seems to be so preoccupied with medical health and weight, that it really doesn’t boil down to that, in the digital age. Because the only measure of successful health is based upon what one looks like and what one weighs. And how good someone looks in pictures, regardless of their age.

This is my point of view of all the people claiming to care about their and other’s health.  And my health.  It’s none of your fucking business. And most certainly not for anyone to judge. It’s one thing to be concerned about medical and mental health health issues in others that can effect quality of life, if not rob people of life. But all the so called concern I see, is hurting people, more than it’s helping. Especially as it applies to weight.

We would be a lot better off in society off not gauging or making harsh judgments on any person, for any reason, based up what they look like in a picture or what they look like in society. And concentrating on what we can do to be in our own best health, instead of criticizing judgments about other’s health. This is why I titled “Hellthy”. Because people’s “health” is a trial by fire (and social media, if not all forms of media and in our offline lives), internally and externally, fueled by too much “pretend” concern about health, that it’s becoming counterproductive.

So, hopefully, in this being what I hope as my last hour as a smoker, that I’m ready to make changes in my life,to try to make decisions and take actions to be healthier.I’m already mentally healthier. Hopefully if I can quit smoking, I’ll be healthier, physically, too.

But don’t fault me, for a failure of being capable of being to do that, so far in my life.I’m not playing victim, here, though. Just explaining the disaster that people can become, when mostly hearing what failures they are, inside and out for their whole entire lives. And unfortunately people can’t be full of self loathing for so long,  self destructive and unfortunately, not hurt others.

No matter how  unintentional it is…….

A Reminder of why I do Size Acceptance……..

Okay…. I just received HATE in the form of fat shaming for the first time on my blog.

I don’t know why I am so shocked, but I kinda am. I mean a troll is a troll is a troll…

But still? REALLY? Okay…..

Let me clarify something, my health is for NO ONE to judge. I’ve made it people’s business because I am an activist of sorts. I do not though have any health issues that are erroneously attributed to fat.

I’m not trying to start a war with my adored weight loss surgery peers for what they do for Obesity awareness. We kind of have enough mutual respect to agree to disagree.

When there’s one medical condition that only people who are considered overweight, obese, morbidly obese or super morbidly obese get that thin people DO NOT, I’d still have trouble buying it.

So I ask of my wls peeps or people with fat bigotry issues, to “check them at the door” in my digital spaces. If seeing a fat person eating a Big Mac (which I’ve NEVER ate) fills you with revulsion, you don’t know that the thin person eating a Big Mac, right next to them, could be the person with diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You’re justifying your hate of fat, based upon aesthetics. Not based upon health, which you cannot tell, just by how much space that another human being takes up.

If you are that concerned about weight issues, as it applies to health, then be a human being, with empathy, to have concern for all weight issues. People die every day from Anorexia. Let’s not shame body types or pit them against one another. Thin bashing ain’t ok, in my spaces, either. I’ve had “justfiable” body dysmorphia since I was 4 years old. Enough already!!!!

Most of the time I can ignore the hate. So really taking the time to hate on me on my blog, Facebook, Twitter or my personal email address, isn’t going to result in very much.

If I’m bored though, and/or you REALLY looking for a fight, BRING.IT.ON. I’m kind and empathetic, usually, because it’s a conscious choice I choose to make. Really wanna provoke me and well, you’ll find out the hard way, that isn’t really isn’t the best way to utilize your time or mine. And I don’t take kindly to cowardly and cruel internet trolls, if I can’t ignore them.

The DISILLUSIONED Body Diversity activist and advocate…..

I haven’t blogged for awhile. While I have had things to say. I haven’t really had the right words to say them. I figured whether the right words came to me or not, I’d give it a try.

Most of my Facebook buds know that I do not go online on Fridays. I normally don’t, because I need a break from social media. I need a break from the activism that I do that’s so serious and mentally draining at times, for self preservation.

I like to Netflix binge on my “Fridays”. Right now I’ve just started with “Grey’s Anatomy”. A show that I have never seen since it premiered on network television.

It happened to be, that in the middle of the 1st season of Grey’s Anatomy that I was watching yesterday, there was an episode about a young lady who had a mother who was a perfectionist and would harp on her about weight. So as a THIN young 17 year old , she went to Mexico and had a gastric bypass and that’s how she ended up in the Emergency Room at the fictional Seattle Grace Hospital, needing a gastric bypass reversal and a small bowel resection to save her life.

That episode REALLY messed up the enjoyment, I usually get from taking internet free days and putting me back into activism mode. But it also messed me up personally, because in the last 4 years, since my gastric bypass has been reversed, I’ve had to put up with a lot of hate and/or confusion of why my gastric bypass was reversed, given the fact I was heavy again, but I definitely didn’t look like I was starving to death (my labs of essential nutrients and vitamins proved otherwise, even though I didn’t have absorption issues with calories anymore). And those pesky g.i. bleeds were going to kill me. Which they would’ve and I would’ve died in 2010 had I not had my gastric bypass reversal.

But somehow, for someone who’s been fat since they were young, I understood better than anyone would think, that I’m sure that thin people have gone to Mexico, to have weight loss surgery because of fear of being fat. I understand better than anyone why a lot of fat people have weight loss surgery and why for multiple reasons that it’s life changing, in a good way for them. That has NOTHING to do with their physical health. And I can’t blame them.

And while I understand and am committed to being a size acceptance and fat acceptance advocate, it seems like as more time goes by, our society gets even more fat phobic. That we are conditioning people at such a young age to find fat AND fat people, repugnant. It’s not getting any better, as far as acceptance of body diversity issues. It’s getting worse. OR we are pegging women of different body types against each other. It’s not any more acceptable to me to thin bash, than it is to fat bash, and I was thin bashed at my thinnest or my weight loss was denigrated in some manner because I had that “RISKY EASY WAY OUT GASTRIC BYPASS ” (my weight loss surgery peeps will get my sarcasm, even though most of the world won’t, ESPECIALLY if they’ve never been fat).

I, unlike my Fat Acceptance peers, can’t accept the word “fat” as easily as I claim. I am not being a fraud when saying because life long bullying being called fat and ugly, while I DEFINITELY  don’t think everyone who’s fat, is ugly (but I don’t have a great love for the term “BBW”) , I definitely feel that way most of the time. I’ve had WAY too many years of horrible bullying both as a child and an adult, to current times, being bullied for being fat (and ugly) , to ever accept the word as a descriptor and not take it as judgment that I have coming to me.

And if I guess my being honest about how hard it is to be a Fat Acceptance activist who takes personal issue with the word and how it makes me feel and it subjects me to more hate and/or criticism, so be it. I am not trying to take away the acceptance of what other people have for themselves as it applies to Fat Acceptance, and I definitely see a need and I think I can understand better than anyone why there’s a need for that as well as be a good body diversity activist. The best I can be…

BUT… I have to be an HONEST one.

And I’m realizing that for as much as I’ve tried to do good in all areas that I do activism for, that I have a ways to go. In certain things, especially as I’m almost 45, I get things more than I don’t get them.

But, I just don’t get the war we have on our own bodies and psyches and other people’s bodies and psyches.Actually I DO. I think that’s what’s most disheartening.

Sadly, the personal issues I have with my weight and looks, EVEN THOUGH I’VE DONE EVERYTHING TO TRY AND LOSE WEIGHT,AND AM STILL TOO FAT AND NOT ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH have NOTHING to do with my mental health issues.

They have everything to do with a society, that’s getting worse in telling me, that NO matter what I’ll do, it will NEVER be good enough. And that is sad, given everything I’ve gone through, that having 101 problems, that my weight, looks and age, is a problem. For me…..

That has no resolution except for me to ACCEPT it. And EMBRACE  it. Even though I’m constantly told mixed messages not only from myself but EVERYONE else that anything I’ll ever do or look like, will NEVER be ENOUGH.

And what is actually NEEDED, so that myself and SO MANY OTHERS, stop feeling this way????……


I’ve seen lately a lot of articles that explain what it’s like to lose a lot of weight whatever means people elect to choose. Sometimes it’s those who chose a surgical intervention, like I did in 2001. Sometimes it’s by the million other ways people lose weight with diet and exercise.

Our society has a fascination of how people get really fat and then become really thin, if they’ve never had a weight problem. If they did have a weight problem, and did something about it, people like to relate to those who had the same issue. If someone has an unresolved weight “problem” and hasn’t been able to figure out a way that works best for them, it helps them either find a way to try something new, and for those who are fat acceptance advocates, I’m not saying meanly when they use that to further an FA agenda which I don’t believe weight loss problems should be used, but there’s definitely a need for Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance because of all the fat bigotry and hatred, that we have in our society. Because I am in Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance as well at existing in the weight loss surgery community for support as a long time peer. BOTH for good reason. And it will be better explained as I go along.

I can relate to all sides. That’s probably why I defend them and represent them. Even though the most militant weight loss surgery and Fat Acceptance advocates do not want to have an association with me, because I’m on both sides. I know what it’s like to lose a lot of weight as I went down originally from a size 24 to a 9/10 on average the 1st year I had my gastric bypass, then in the middle of year 2, after a bad breakup, I found exercise to tone, and I found myself shockingly going down an additional 5-6 sizes. At my smallest, my closet contained kids clothes in a size 14/16 (which I as a fat child was never in an “appropriate” size for my age) some 2’s, mostly 4’s and XS and a few 6’s. Because I’m anal about “rounding up” to the biggest size I had in my closet, while I had a few size 6’s, I was on average a size 2-4 and I was extremely toned and extremely fit when I found a love of exercise (you’ll have to read my favorite blog that I’ve written of all time, “Ugly Hurts”, as I have pics of how I looked at all weights in the last 10 years).

In my case, I knew that at a size 9/10 that I was thin. I had been heavy my whole entire life, even though I was not like my other weight loss surgery peers super morbidly obese by bmi standards, I wasn’t even morbidly obese. But I was a size 24 on average from lifelong dieting.. I did have some extra skin and I did try to have reconstructive surgery when I was a size 9/10  but it wasn’t covered by my insurance. And given the fact I did end up losing another 30+ plus pounds and going down another 5-6 sizes, a year later, it’s just as well. I also ended up though starting in 2007, going up another TWENTY sizes and this is what this blog is about.

I’ve talked ad nauseum about my gastric bypass complications, the mental health issues that played a part into them, and as a direct result of them. I was put on a lot of psychotropic medications, starting in 2007, however because of where I was mentally, I’ve never been able to express other than in some places in this blog, what it’s REALLY like to gain a lot of weight after a major weight loss. That’s what I hope to accomplish now. Especially because I am on the heavier side, that I’ve been in the last 4 1/2 years, and I’m a lot more lucid and have the means to talk about it.

As I’ve also stated in other blogs, while I joined Facebook in late Summer of 2009, because of all the psychotropic medications I was on, I had NO IDEA of what Facebook or social media really was. When I was more lucid and on my own in the beginning of 2010 is where I found both size acceptance and the weight loss surgery community on Facebook. Because of my gi bleeds and not being on those meds, while I started my acclimation into a “normal” society out of the system in the beginning of 2010, depending on who I saw and when I saw them, I either gained or lost an enormous amount of weight. I’ll explain that, as well as where I am currently.

Most people STILL  have trouble understanding how I originally gained a lot of weight after having a surgical intervention to lose weight. Let alone having still major gastric bypass complications at my heaviest and of truly physically sick I was back in in a size 24 in 2009.  They don’t realize the enormity of power that a lot of psychotropic medications have. I was on an enormous amount of psychotropic medications that not only made me more food obsessed and eating disordered (as I’d been food obsessed and eating disordered, MOST of my life) but these medications not only effect people metabolically,again, they create the food obsession from HELL. And I’d want to eat things and I would, even though I’d throw them up.

The LAST thing I want to do as a Mental Health activist is deter people from taking their meds because they are gaining weight or they have a fear of getting fat. What I do want to instill in people, whether or not they are trying to lose weight, OR if they had a surgical intervention such as weight loss surgery and gained all their weight back or never got to goal, that psychotropic meds is a enormous barrier to “successful” weight loss. And it’s not discussed at all either in society or the weight loss surgery community. Or Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance. Not knowing the extent that the damage not only weight wise these medications can cause, cause people to think either their weight loss surgery failures or that they are fat because they haven’t tried hard enough to lose weight, not knowing what they are up against.

But even though weight gain can be an issue for these medications, it can NEVER be up to a patient, whether they had weight loss surgery or NOT, that they go off them, due to weight issues, alone. Untreated mental health issues can lead to SUICIDE and severe chronic depression. That’s a lot worse than being FAT. And it’s one of my primary reasons of existing as a Medical, Mental Health and Body Diversity activist and advocate that our society better understands this and understands how much the stigmatization of weight issues HURTS everyone, whether people are thin and dying from anorexia or they are fat and feel like failures and want to die.

But this is the point of my blog. NO ONE wants to talk about what it’s like being fat after losing a MAJOR weight loss. So I’ll tell you. It SUCKS. No one understands even though I’ll explain til I’m blue in the face that yes, I exercise and while I eat in moderation most of the time, that I’ve now bounced and/or gained weight because I’ve spent MOST OF MY LIFE, on a diet of some kind. Then on a psychotropic regimen that effected my weight, because I didn’t get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2 until I was almost 39, and had a nervous breakdown, I gained almost 100 lbs back. I was “only” 100 lbs overweight at the time of my weight loss surgery. But I had lost 107 at my thinnest and fittest and maintained being thin for 6 years, the last 3 1/2 of being REALLY thin the last 3 years I was thin.

BUT……There is ONLY so many times a person can lose weight before a body rebels. And I am heavier now that I like as I’ve gained weight recently and I’m uncomfortable. That doesn’t make me a crappy SA/FA because I’d like to lose weight and it’s not necessarily for health reasons, either. I’ll still defend anybody’s right to lose weight or be the weight they want for any reason. It’s just not personally working for me, but I’m finding I can’t lose weight anymore. But the last thing I’m looking for with this blog or in general is how to lose weight.

It’s NOT fun to get the looks from people who saw me at my thinnest and look at me and wonder “HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMEBODY GAIN WEIGHT AFTER WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY AND MAJOR COMPLICATIONS???”. It’s NOT a fun having to exist in a public if you’ve read my last blog where I work out in public and people don’t believe it, because I’m FAT AGAIN not every knowing how thin I was or everything I’ve been to get thin and stay there. It’s not fun of the looks I get when I eat out and people don’t understand why I’m picky but polite when I eat because I still can get gastric bypass dumping syndrome, but I can tolerate more foods then I could, pre gastric bypass reversal and the fact that I had my gastric bypass almost THIRTEEN years ago. And because I don’t qualify foods as good or bad, I do get looks when I eat foods that are unhealthy and people have absolutely NO problem telling me that I should not be eating that because I’m fat. Absolutely not knowing everything I’ve done since I’ve been FOUR years old (and I’m almost 45) of everything I’ve done to lose weight. But no one has a right to do that to ANYONE for any reason.

I’d be an absolute LIAR, if I didn’t said there was a LOT of things I miss about being THIN  . Clothes. Being as physically fit as I was. And it was easier to work out, weighing less, for ME. Fitting into society and not getting strange stares, no matter what I did because I wasn’t fat anymore. And for someone while I had been on a million diets, the SIX years I “enjoyed” “thin privilige” had a lot of good things to it.

But as others have blogged about, there was the bad of life after a major weight loss who’ve experienced it. The extra skin (which I didn’t have at my thinnest). The anger I had about that I had to lose weight to gain acceptance. The fact that if I saw people after my daughter was born but hadn’t seen them since my gastric bypass that my children were INVISIBLE. All people saw as that Lisa WAS FINALLY THIN. Nothing else mattered. The changes in my relationships as it made people uncomfortable even though I was pretty unassuming about having a major weight loss like that. And that I had at the time a lot of justifiable anger, that’s what I needed to do to get any respect. And if you’ve been reading my blog, since the beginning, I was a fully functional and present single mother. I worked full time. I drove a car, my kids were in activities, but how I got treated fat as a single mother of one, even though I was a single mother of TWO, when I was thin, I got treated a lot better, just based upon the fact that I was THIN. So you can only imagine all the judgments not only just about weight that I’ve subjected to my whole entire life,. While this is about what it’s like to be FAT after a major weight loss, the major loss in abilities and how devastating that is, goes beyond people’s comprehension of how heartbreaking that is to me. And I understand that my circumstances are so unusual as a whole to most.That’s why I’m trying to explain it.

This is what I am asking from society. And it’s a lot, given the circumstances of how much weight is talked about. It’s natural to make judgments on people’s weight. But it’s absolutely a crappy thing to do, is to judge someone’s character by it. Whether they are thin or fat. No matter what they did to be thin or fat. Even if they make it YOUR business, it’s not right for you to judge. No one looking at me, a total stranger, would know absolutely everything that I’ve done, my whole entire life to lose weight and maintain it. You only know that about me because I’ve specifically chosen to tell you that, to try and instill empathy in others (and truthfully, myself). Whether you are a weight loss surgery person or someone who’s lost a lot of weight  or a little weight, by any method and kept it off. Or someone who a lot or a little weight but couldn’t keep it off. Or people who choose not to let weight judgments effect them, and are in Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance and accept their bodies as it is, it’s not your place to judge those who choose to lose weight, but they have no right to shove it down your throat, either.

And that shouldn’t be demonized, either. Intentional weight loss. The fact people do give up on weight loss attempts and accept their larger bodies as it is, if they find they don’t want to be in the vicious cycle of weight loss and weight gain (and yes, it is possible to be healthy and fat, it’s also DEFINITELY possible to lose a lot of weight and maintain it long term). And it’s not based upon as much on  physical health as people claim it to be as far as the “Obesity Crisis” as it people claim it to be, but people have a right to lose weight. They just don’t have a right to shove it down your throat on a minutely basis. It’s basically an aesthetic issue and a moral judgment that HURTS everyone(I understand the actual health and mobility issues that go into a choice of weight loss, I’m not discounting it) but I don’t see a trillion “before and afters” of people’s cholesterol and blood sugar levels post major weight loss. At the same time no one should be shamed or judged for losing weight, either. No one would know that I’ve NEVER had one traditional “comorbidity of Obesity” both past and present. I’ve had every had every psychological aspect of being a fat child and fat adult in my life. I’ve also been bullied for being thin.

****I GET ALL SIDES is ALL that I’m trying to say****

I hope it makes sense why I choose to do the activism that I do. I hope I’ve explained that how weight stigma no matter what people’s size is, HURTS EVERYBODY. I hope it makes sense why I’ll fight for body diversity acceptance and hope that we can become a society that does not judge people or makes assumptions about them no matter what weight people are. I hope that my SA/FA peeps and WLS peeps realize that aren’t as polarized in their beliefs as they think they are. All they are asking is for acceptance of their weight choices. That neither has a right to impose or judge one another based upon weight issues. There’s always that thin person making the assumption of how people get so freaking fat in the first place. And truthfully I understand why they think that, I hope though, if you pardon the horrible pun, I’ve given them “food for thought” on how toxic their judgments of fat people are.  I hope people who’ve never had to struggle with weight issues, better understand how horribly harmful (as well as inaccurate) their assumptions are on people who are fat and thin (whether they are naturally thin or they’ve been successful at their weight loss attempts).

As long as I’m able to resemble anything articulate somewhat intelligent thought, I’m always going to do the activism I do. I at this point consider myself a human rights activist. I’ll pretty much be an advocate of treating all people with respect, no matter what race, gender, sexual preference, weight and religious beliefs people ARE. That I have no patience of BULLYING of any kind on any person from child to an adult. I just don’t have a lot of tolerance for hateful bigotry. NO ONE should.  Hopefully I’ve accomplished dispelling stigma as it applies to why people can get fat after a major weight loss in this blog. And why it’s hurtful to me and everyone else of the stigma and the judgments we make on people of any weight. And that while my failure to lose weight and keep it off is not the worst thing in my life, given my circumstances and why I hope it helps others to understand, how hurtful it is to judge people based upon whatever size they are.

As I’ve said in a previous blog and it WAS profound as it applies to weight issues. “THERE IS NO WINNERS WHEN WE WAR ON ANY PERSON OF ANY SIZE FOR ANY REASON”. And you can never know people’s reasons or any of the battles they are fighting internally on the inside. So don’t make rash and unfair judgments about their exteriors, that’s all I’m trying to say? Okay????

That’s my story and I’m sticking it to it. Now, I want to hear yours……..

***Again, the same rules apply. All responses even those in vehemently in disagreement of what I say, will be posted unless they are disrespectful. Thanks****

Ugly Hurts………

Official Beyonce/”Pretty Hurts”…. No copyright infringement intended


I just heard for the first time, a couple of days ago,  Beyonce’s song “Pretty Hurts” and it blew me away both the song and video being hauntingly stunning and raw…. 

“Pretty hurts, we shine the light on whatever’s worse, perfection is a disease of a nation… Vogue says thinner is better…… You’re trying to fix something that you can’t fix what you can’t see, it’s the soul that needs a surgery”…….

   I wasn’t going to at first give either Beyonce or her video for it any credence before I saw her video and heard the song for the first time. For someone who’s been horribly bullied for being fat and ugly from the time I was in pre-school to the time I had my gastric bypass which was 3 days after my 32nd birthday (I’m almost 44 1/2 now). The desire though to look and be perfect which was a big deal when we were young has never been a bigger deal now in our society for both young girls and women.

I am not saying that people who are considered beautiful don’t hurt inside. Whether they are thin or not. It’s just easier to be beautiful and thin on the outside, in our society. Doesn’t mean it’s any easier for people who are thin and beautiful on the outside, internally. Or that thin people don’t get bullied. I still recognize this even though it’s not a problem I’ve ever had (well I did put up with some thin bashing at my thinnest).  You might get a pass for being fat if you have what’s considered a beautiful face. You’re kind of FUCKED, in the era of Facebook and Instagram if you are neither thin or beautiful.

I titled this blog “Ugly Hurts” for more than one reason. I’m an ugly looking person with an even uglier life story. I thought pathetically that being fat was the worst thing to happen to me, for the longest time. Which I’ve gone into deeper detail in other blogs of mine on here. Then also  as stated in my first blog on here, at the age of 38 1/2 in 2008, I had my first psychiatric hospitalization due to suicidal ideation. I had gained a lot of my weight back that I’d lost from my gastric bypass when initially I had my nervous breakdown the year before due to medications I had been put on. Because I did try to commit suicide 10 days after my first hospitalization, after I gave up custody of my children, where they lived in a filthy cluttered house the last 2 years they were with me due to hoarding,  I nearly got committed to a long term mental health hospital during my 2nd psychiatric hospitalization. Even though I didn’t get committed, I still ended up in the mental health system for almost 16 months.

And I still had medical hospitalizations due to gastric bypass complications while in the mental health system.  I’ve been living on my own since January of 2010. Because I continued to have gastric bypass complications that continued to get worse, more hospitalizations and I nearly died a couple of times, my gastric bypass was reversed in 9/2010 and because I got more sick then “Obesity” could ever make me or  posing a medical threat to me, my bariatric surgeon did NOT revise me to another bariatric surgery.

However my medical and cognitive disabilities are still getting worse. My mental health issues have to be controlled by awareness, as clinical professionals have deemed it’s not in my best interest to be on psych meds, any longer or have ECT and living independently with medical and cognitive disabilities  is almost a full time job in itself. The damage though that has been done for wanting to be beautiful  while never expecting it,  is very visible in me on the outside even though most of my disabilities are internal. Being eating disordered most of my life. My gastric bypass complications that while I’ve managed to still get fat again, the long term severe nutritional deficiencies, aged me and made me even uglier on the outside. The thousands and thousands of times I’ve thrown up due to bulimia the 10 years before my gastric bypass,  pregnancy related hyperemesis and gastric bypass complications, fried my hair, skin and have all but  destroyed my teeth. Not only is it humiliating to have to worry about what comes out of my mouth as far as words, it’s humiliating of what my teeth look like due to decades of erosion from vomit .

I carry a lot of shame for a lot of things. Despite of everything that I’ve gone through that carry shame, that are considered just to be superficial.  I actually wrote a blog a couple of months ago that talked about the mini internal nervous breakdown I had when I saw Sports Illustrated’s 30th Anniversary Swimsuit Issue. I figured that would be relatable to a lot of women, who’d I hoped would spare themselves, reading the magazine. Because of what the lyrics of “Pretty Hurts” says. In the magazine, not only does it shows all the supermodels looking gorgeous, regardless of age. But it just sets a dangerous precedent for women, kind of like what Beyonce does. Women not only have to be beautiful,be thin, successful, we also have to be really smart, have an amazing sense of humor and be wealthy, regardless of  our age.

 What I had wanted to say that is so damaging to most women, unless they are featured in the magazine. And it’s probably damaging to them, too, in the era of Photoshop. As most of those models are exceptionally beautiful without Photoshop, but without Photoshop, they don’t even look like that. So we’ve managed to set such stringent standards of beauty that even most supermodels aren’t capable of.

I never published that blog though. Because while I could relate as a single mother or as a woman who had a “normal” life with a lot of responsibilities at one time, who worked full time, had her kids full time, drove a car and managed a household, it was never enough. I still wasn’t pretty enough. And then once I became thin enough, I got sick (from my gastric bypass complications not my weight either thin or fat). Not only did that change the playing field for me, it totally took me off of it,after many years of being physically sick. I had all I could do survive still being so physically sick, psychologically disintergrating and so heavily medicated and then being in the mental health system.

So I never published that blog.  I didn’t think coming from me, at this point in my life, I’d have ANY credibility. Not to mention that after everything that I’ve been through, that if all I agonized was about my weight and my looks, after everything I’ve lost in ability, that would make me a superficial imbecile. Not to mention I’m an “armchair activist” when it comes to serious matters such as medical and mental health activism, anti-bullying, body diversity.

However, I’m still human. And female. And I’m on social media. And while there was a time that I could do better as trying to my hardest to conform to what society and the media says I have to be a worthwhile woman and mother, I can’t now. Both in what I am supposed to be doing and truthfully what gets to me, is sometimes what I look like and how much I weigh.I’m the antithesis though in both what I do and what I look like when it comes to perfection. I’ve gotten to the point that every time that I try, it takes so much effort, that I rarely even try anymore. I’m kind of suspended between multiple worlds as I’ve said before. My old life as a single mother with 2 children that I love more than anything who was fat at one time then thin. Who had a bright future at one time. The isolating and ugly life that was my life temporarily in the mental health system. That people who’ve been in the mental health system can’t relate to me and people who haven’t been in it, or have the complex disabilities that I now have,can’t relate to me either, that makes my life so small. But I get it more than I don’t. I don’t live with any delusion or any denial. So as tough as being a perfectionist is, which I tried and failed at, so long ago, so is being a realist, now.

I do make an effort to advocate and be an activist. I don’t want my daughter who’s a tween to measure her self worth by what she looks like and what she weighs. I don’t want her to get bullied or be one. Because it’s Mother’s Day today, I want my Mom and my sisters to know I never meant to fail them either. They are beautiful inside and out. Smart and productive people.They are amazing mothers, daughters, sisters, friends and aunts.  My failures and shame are not theirs or a reflection of them or a choice that I would’ve consciously made. And that I’d give anything to change. What I can do in abilities, of being able to make them proud of me. And yes, of what I look like.

And  I’d be lying if I didn’t fess up to the fact that I have the ugliest of hurts. On the inside and out. Both justified and the superficial. For my social media peers or anyone who feels shame on what they look like, how much they weigh or they don’t feel they will measure up, this is what I want to leave with you, with.

You are much more then the sum of your parts on the exterior, the size of your clothes and how much you weigh on a scale. There is beauty in almost everything and all of you. And there is people who see it, even if you don’t. So change the criteria you use to measure your self worth, OK? What you all have accomplished can’t be measured in a photograph or by a scale. For how many of us still do that, maybe we as women can help each other, not do that to ourselves anymore.And ask for help if you are struggling if not drowning, emotionally.  And maybe others, society and the media can stop being hateful to those who they feel fail miserably just because they can’t ever measure up in unrealistic and impossible standards of beauty that are imposed upon us.

At the same time, it’s ok to feel good about yourself, if you’ve made changes in your exterior whether it be weight or how you look. It just isn’t something that should just be your proudest moment or most defining thing about you. You are so much more. And you’ve all accomplished so much. As women. Some of you as mothers. Professional and personal accomplishments. And if this helped, either in articulation of my sadness about my failures, especially this Mother’s Day, then maybe I’ve accomplished something that I can be proud of. And this Mother’s Day I will be celebrating quietly and by myself, the fact that I’m grateful for the amazing women in my life. My amazing beautiful, smart and wickedly funny Mother who I’m so lucky is alive and my sisters who’ve done so much for my children, their children and for a lot of others.

But most of all, I will be celebrating that I was blessed enough to have 2 wonderful, beautiful, smart and healthy kids. And while I do most of my celebrating and honoring by myself and from afar, that if I can’t help them, I can do my part to try to make this an easier and better world for them to be in. Especially my young daughter.

Note: Picture I used for this blog, is not one I’m actually very proud of. Because I get used by some people in the weight loss surgery community as an example of bariatric surgery failure, as well as others, I did at one time put a picture up of my “before and afters, because I was fed up about it, at the same time I’m both very angry at myself and a society that continues to only measure my worth in what I look like and weigh The picture to the very left, was taken 3 months before my gastric bypass in 12/2001. The 2nd picture to the left  was taken Summer of 2005, at my very fittest. The picture 2nd to the right, was taken in October of 2009 when I had gained almost 100 lbs back, after being on so many psych meds even though I still couldn’t absorb major nutrients and had horrible ulcers which contributed to the bald spots in that picture,. Sadly, most people only see how fat I am. They don’t realize how physically sick I still was, before my gastric bypass was reversed. The picture on the very right was taken 8/2012, almost 2 years post gastric bypass reversal.

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