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Archive for the ‘CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ Category

Duggar Disgust/The Urgent NEED to openly talk about childhood sexual trauma…..

Bill Gothard’s ATI chart on counseling sexual abuse…. More info, below….

(Note: Blog has been retitled, as the original blog that caused me to re-name this blog “Call Them Out”, was originally called “Call HIM Out”. Also after seeing a few blogs that defended the need for the Duggar family to have privacy and/or support, because a few of the the female children in the family had been victimized, I decided to elaborate more on my opinions, as far as they were concerned, as well )

I have not been on social media much, and was absolutely horrified to read about Josh Duggar’s past molestation history and that it was covered up, by his parents, this morning on social media.

This has pretty much blown up social media, yesterday and today. I understand the outrage. And I’m equally outraged and disgusted at the Duggars, where they went so out of their way to cover this up. They showed fake remorse for their victims and way much more remorse for themselves. They don’t deserve forgiveness, which they’ve already forgiven themselves, quite easily, under the guise of their religion.

As an activist though, while I’m hoping that this will finally cause our society, to talk about childhood rape, the problem is that it’s concentrating on men violating little girls.

The truth is, both boys and girls, are violated by adults and children in their teens, who SHOULD know how vile of a crime that is by BOTH genders.

By not talking about childhood rape in boys by both men and women, when talking about what has happened with the Duggars and other female children, is that we keep stigmatizing and silencing boys who are victims of childhood rape by both male and females.

It also continues to silence female children who don’t have a voice, who’ve been violated by a woman.  As well as male children who’ve been violated by a female.

I know from the time I was 19 (I’m 45) and did volunteer work, at a battered woman’s shelter, that women can be predatory and perpetrators of violent crime. Towards both female and male children, as well as adults. And men get battered, too.

Actually, I know better than anyone, that female children get violated by another female. That I found out when I was 8 years old, and I wrote a blog about that, last Fall.

I’ve had a few friends, on Facebook, today, share this blog, and it’s heartbreaking. And I’m only trying to help, like the author of the blog is, by trying to help with prevention and help those who’ve been violated, in such a horrific way.

But this isn’t a gender specific horrific crime with a gender specific perpetrator. Whether children are horrifically abused like this whether it’s family, a family friend or a stranger. And as I said above, the author of that blog did change the title of her blog, at the time I had written this one.

I decided as stated above, to re-edit, rename and elaborate on more of my opinions about childhood sexual trauma as it applies to the Duggar family.  Especially after reading the blog, this afternoon (5-24-2015) I am going to reluctantly link, below. I’ve had a few FB buds share it. I do NOT agree with most of the sentiment.  I hope in this matter, we can agree to respectfully disagree.

The above blog does concentrate on the fact that some of the girls in the family, being victims, are being re-victimized by this being in the news all over the place.

Truthfully, out of some empathy for them, is why I didn’t go into a huge rant about how despicable I find their brother and their parents.

Unfortunately, the blogger of that, is missing the point. Yes, the girls were victimized. Not just by their brother, who was a minor at the time. And the blogger goes WAY out of their way to point out that Josh, who was “only” 14 at the time, can’t be defined as a pedophile.

HOWEVER…. This is a family that’s made a ton of money, based upon having “good ole family fashion values”. The girls have made money on a book, of how wonderful it was to be raised in a family like that. And the family has gone on and on, ad nauseum about their values as it applies to their children “courting” and not even kissing or being alone, with a male until marriage. But it’s ok for their brother, to molest them? But anyone who has consensual sex whether it be a male and a female or people who are gay, are sinners?

As an activist, I have taken in consideration, when sharing my thoughts about the Duggar family, in the last 36 hours, since I found out about this, that the girls are victims and that Josh was a minor.

HOWEVER, it’s bad enough, that some of the girls in the family were victims. However they weren’t the ONLY victims. I don’t know if the victims were just people who are in the same congregation and/or religious sector that they were.

Here’s the link of the chart that the “Quiverfulls”  use for forgiveness of childhood molestation and/or rape….

You’ve FUCKING got to be kidding me!!! The chart in above link, basically blames the victim. It also doesn’t address specifically what that Quiverfull  cult isn’t talking about. That the victims of these heinous crimes are being abused by people who have the same religious principles as the rapists have. That they aren’t being protected but instead not only violated by their rapists, but by the cult. In the case of the Duggars, they were violated not only by their brother, by their parents but by their own religious faith.

Right after I originally wrote this blog, yesterday, I decided to go on And they had to have an article in their TV Watch section about other times that the Duggars have been “tested”. This afternoon they have an article on who’s supporting the Duggars and who’s not.

To quote Mike Huckabee who’s in support of the Duggars, he said the following:
“Josh’s actions when he was an underage teen are as he described them himself, ‘inexcusable,’ but that doesn’t mean ‘unforgivable.’ He and his family dealt with it and were honest and open about it with the victims and the authorities.”

They were in NO WAY honest about what happened!!!! If they did, they would’ve never been on television and had book deals. They’ve talked 100 times more about how painful this was for the family, then they did for their actual victims, and even if they were trying to protect the Duggar girls that were abused, nothing has been elaborated on that. Their concern has been for Josh and their franchise.

I am far from being anything resembling a great or normal mother. I usually do NOT judge any other family for that reason. But I metaphorically, wear a “hair shirt” on the internet, because I have great shame and sadness, for the hurt that I caused my children, so unintentionally. And I had a childhood riddled with horrific bullying and I’ve been molested, myself, by a babysitter. I did my best though, to make sure that my children, never knew from the kind of bullying, shame and hate, that I was subjected, to. And childhood trauma can have a place in cause of mental health issues. What I’ve said from the start, from my very first wordy, ranty and not capable of logical sequence of thought, is that we bring issues that are stigmatized and cause shame, into the forefront, in hopes for prevention and healing.

I’ve done this at further expense of my family and loved ones. While my children know I blog (my son is an adult and my daughter is a tween) and are okay with my blogging, most of my family is NOT. But they understand that I have to try, so what my family went through, wasn’t all in vain, that my being open about what happened to us, helps others be honest with their most private struggles, in hopes, if not for prevention, as I’ve said before, but to get support, help and for healing.

Jim Bob, Michelle and Josh have done NONE of this. If they were open and honest from the start, we would’ve NEVER heard about them. As the molestations had already occurred and were covered up, by the time their 1st television special about them, was broadcasted.

I did watch them for a year or so, with my son (my daughter was only 3 at the time). Then I realized I didn’t want to watch a show about a family, that at the time, I was a Jewish single mother of 2 children, from 2 different fathers and I figured it was a waste of time, to watch a family, who probably wouldn’t like me so much, if they met me in person. I still had a begrudging respect for them, though. And then I had my apocalyptic nervous breakdown and suicide attempt. I still though followed them on social media, on occasion, once I was living on my own, since 2010.

To me, the best case scenario of all of this, and if Jim Bob, Michelle and Josh want to REALLY show how sorry they are for their actions, is that they take them and the rest of their family off social media. They won’t do that,  and I’m willing to bet everything, that they still will make money giving their side of the story, which will probably happen in the next year, a la Mary Kay LeTourneau , any kind of television special or exclusive interview with someone like Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters, giving their side of the story, to gain sympathy. For them. Because if you read the chart, apparently their victims did something to deserve being horribly violated. But they can be forgiven, maybe not as much as their rapist, if they repent.

That makes what Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s actions and/or lack of them, to me, worse than Josh’s….If they couldn’t prevent what happened, fine. But to cover it up to the extent they did? And defend Josh? Inexcusable AND unforgivable.

They want to show how sorry they are for their victims??? They can take the millions they’ve made and start a foundation for  support, resources and healing for victims of childhood sexual trauma. Regardless of the gender of the children. That foundation also can include evaluation and treatment for offenders. As well as aiding in our societies need to be able to talk about sexual abuse, regardless of gender, sexual affiliation and religious belief openly and honestly without judgment or stigma….

Like that would EVER  happen, though…. NOT…

Additional Note: I am all for respectful debate or difference of opinion. This is not an anti-Christian rant. Childhood rape trauma happens in EVERY religion, as well as economic status. However, any comment that could be potentially triggering to a reader, will NOT be published….

p.s. This being called “#DuggarScandal” is a horrible misnomer. A scandal would be if Michelle would have had an affair with Bill Gothard, who’s she’s probably 30 years too old for, due to the accusations that  he not only sexual harrassed female co-workers, but at least one girl who’s come out, to admit, that  he violated her, at the age of 16……

EVEN if you haven’t done the crime……

Victims will ALWAYS end up doing the time…… One way or another… I’ll explain as I go along…. Just please bear with me… And know that we CAN and DESERVE to heal…….


There are a lot of things I have not talked about, as much as I like to dispel stigma, there are things in my past that I’ve not talked about. Such as being molested by a female babysitter when I was about 8 or 9, who lived across the street, from where I grew up. Or that I was “date” raped (of the “blind” date variety) , 6 years PRIOR to my gastric bypass, at almost my heaviest, at the age of 26, because we live in a society that while there are so many resources in place, there are still so many travesties that are put upon others, that are not talked about.

Because of stigma, of course. And because of the shame we carry and the secrets we feel we HAVE to keep and we shouldn’t have to….. We meaning, others and myself who have not come forward, yet.

It’s not difficult for me, to metaphorically, wear a hair shirt on the internet, so to speak, regarding the neglect that I so heartbreakingly and so unintentionally, put my children through when in I was in both a medical and mental health crisis from about 2006 to 2008. I accept that as my due. My hopes have always been, in talking about that horrible period of time in our lives, is that given the fact I can’t take it back, that to honor my children, I talk about it, in hopes of helping other families. And it has helped other families get the help they need, as well as support to stay strong until that help arrived.

As there was a lot of things and systems that failed my children and I, in making it much harder than it should’ve been, to get the help that I tried to get for my children, who I loved more than anything, and myself (who I didn’t love) when I saw that I was getting sicker both medically and psychologically. To the point it was too physically painful and emotionally excruciating to know that I was not the best person to take care of them, anymore.

However, I would’ve seriously hurt anyone who would have victimized my children in the way that I had been, humiliatingly and violently. If not killed anyone who would violently harmed, my children. Or I would’ve pressed charges against anyone who would do that to them, at the very least. I was their biggest advocate for the longest time for normal childhood things, though and I should’ve been. I was their Mother. And again, it does bear repeating that I did try to get help when I knew I was at my sickest, as the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt them in any way.

BUT,  it’s not so easy to talk about for me to talk about the times in my life where I’ve been victimized. I’ve mentioned briefly and on occasion on my blogs, the horrific bullying I went through as a fat child when I was very young (preschool) to adulthood. That’s what makes me an anti-bullying advocate.

So I’ve never really  talked about, at any great length (actually, AT ALL) the time I was molested by a teenage female babysitter, to anyone or the time I was date raped but because I was fat and it was by a man who was respected in society, that I figured no one would’ve ever believed me. Even though I knew intellectually, that rape is not a sexual act, it’s an act of violence and it’s about humiliation, I just somehow filed it away. Only to briefly talk about it with friends, closest to me. Around the time it happened,which was about 6 years before my gastric bypass. And not to be mentioned again. It never came up in my psychiatric hospitalization pre and post suicide attempt. It never got brought up in therapy, before or after. Which I stopped going to, in 2011.

But SOMEHOW, in my digital universe, it’s being reinforced that it needs to be brought up. RIGHT NOW. Perhaps, in my bringing it up, maybe others who’ve experienced similar or any type violent trauma or victimization, will come forward in hopes of healing. As well as preventing these, if not any heinous act, being perpetrated, in the first place. Or preventing them from happening again to ourselves or to others.

The biggest shame I’ve carried around and have not dealt with up until now, is that it has ALWAYS haunted me, on an intellectual level as well as emotional, is that I could’ve, if not without a doubt, failed innocent others, by not reporting these crimes. Because, by not doing so, thinking no one would believed me, also left the door open for those who have victimized me, in a criminal way, to be able to do that to OTHERS. That is probably caused me more shame and hurt that I left others to potentially be harmed, than the harm that was brought to me.

The catalyst that made me decide to come forward with what happened to me, was based upon a heartbreaking situation of a young girl who was repeatedly raped by her brother but chose not to say anything. It was an Upworthy link, shared by one of my Facebook friends, tonight.

The last thing I want to do in a circumstance so tragic, because not only of the circumstances that tragically and repeatedly violated her, but that as a young woman, she’s actually dying from something else. But has chosen not to go public with her circumstances. I don’t want to take away the peace of mind that she’s fought so hard for. But I can’t help wonder, if her brother has horrifically victimized more innocent people. This is why I’m writing this.

Here’s the Upworthy link:

(Note: Resource and support for victims is on the Upworthy link toward the bottom. Also note, in my case I’ve never hated those who’ve done harm to me, I’ve hated what they did. I, obviously am struggling with complete forgiveness, as a means to my healing, but it’s not for me to say that isn’t the best way for anyone else to heal .But I also absolutely believe that people can heal without forgiving those who’ve caused them such horrific harm.)

I remember running into my teenage female babysitter (who did have a drug problem at that time and I learned later was also abused sexually by her father prior ) who abused me, when I was an adult. She had a young daughter. I was with my son who was a toddler at the time and this was before the rape. It was at a local yogurt place and when she recognized me and introduced me to her young daughter, who was actually my age, when she abused me. As soon as she left, I had to go quickly to the bathroom and throw up.

I also did end up bizarrely also running into the person who raped me, on the internet, a year later, after the rape. It’s not going to help my healing or others to talk about what happened in that situation. But it makes sense now why I have such a lack of regard for myself and no self esteem for so long. When other people tell you or show you that you aren’t worth anything, it’s human nature to believe it. I say that as a survivor, but as an activist, I have bigger responsibility. But I have to obviously help myself in someway, to have credibility in helping others get help that they need to heal.

In NO way, would I want to do harm on people who’ve suffered horrific abuse of any kind by trying to shame them, in any way, to come forward if they just absolutely cannot. Or to press charges. I do want though to bring attention to the fact that perpetrators of horrific crime usually do NOT have just ONE victim. And ONE victim, is ONE victim too many.

I can’t be the one to tell you what is best for you, to heal. Only to caution you, as I’m learning that while I never deserved to be violated in the manner that I was, that my biggest regrets, as it applies to myself, SHOULD HAVE been TWOFOLD. That I SHOULD HAVE fought back out of respect to myself, to the fullest extent of the law. As well as forgiving myself for failing others who may have been spared being violated in the same way I was, because I chose not to act in fear and because of self loathing.

But at this point, I need to forgive myself and move on. And if you’ve been in similar circumstances and reacted the same way, you deserve peace and healing. And what you need for that to happen  may require professional help. And sadly I can only bring attention as an activist. I don’t have the qualifications that are necessary to help others in circumstances like this other than trying to remove the stigma and make you see that the secrecy and shame we carry is not ours to bear.

IF this helps one person, to get the help they need to heal, it was worth the heartache and humiliation that I hope to let go, from going public with this…


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