It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for August, 2015

There’s NO one right way to do Size and Fat Acceptance advocacy…..

So I’m in a reclusive mode, today, and just am having a Facebook binge, and a quiet day at home, as I don’t feel like going anywhere.

When the following  TWO following weight related links start to trend in my newsfeed on Facebook .

The first being more prevalent, than the latter, as far as being shared.

http://www.thefrisky.com/2015-08-24/the-soapbox-did-fatphobia-enable-jared-fogles-predatory-behavior/?utm_source=share-fb&utm_medium=button

http://www.wearyourvoicemag.com/dear-virgie-can-someone-pursuing-weight-loss-be-fat-positive/

Now, I’ve wanted to write for awhile, about the hypocrisy I see in the size and fat acceptance movement. And sometimes size acceptance and fat acceptance are mutually exclusive among activists.

While I’ve always tried to make my internet spaces, safe for people, when it comes to weight talk, that’s absolutely impossible to do, when I’m co-existing on the internet as both a weight loss surgery long time peer (and I’m supportive of those who elect any of the weight loss surgeries) as well as as being a size and fat acceptance advocate, where I definitely advocate that people shouldn’t have to lose weight at all. For ANY reason.

I, however have a lot less Fat Acceptance advocates as social media buds, then I did 4 years ago, and for very good reason.

There’s a lot of reverse sizeism prejudice that goes on in many of the fat acceptance communities. And it’s totally unnecessary. And totally hypocritical. If not extremely hurtful to some people, when putting down people who are smaller in size, as far as weight is concerned.

Not only that, it’s extremely hypocritical to tell people they can’t lose weight and be in size and fat acceptance advocacy. I’m NOT sorry, for saying, “my body, my business and not for anyone to judge” when it comes to those who think I’m too fat or a bariatric failure to be in the weight loss surgery communities and I also get told I’m a crappy Fat Acceptance advocate for defending people’s right to lose weight, up to and including having a surgical intervention for weight loss.

However, as it applies to the 2nd link I posted, which was a blog from yesterday by Virgie Tovar, it’s one thing if you want to have an initiative called #LoseHateNotWeight. Which I’ve largely ignored for the most part. The same with HAES (even though I defend both).  But to speak poorly for those of us in Fat Acceptance who think it’s ok, if someone wants to lose weight and people’s right to lose weight if they want to? On their own safe spaces??? That should be okay to anyone. But not is it only NOT okay, people like me, are personally demonized for defending both intentional weight loss and to not have to lose weight to be treated with respect.

In NO WAY  is that acceptable to do that to some of us, who believe in both defending people’s right to lose weight and defending people’s right NOT to lose weight and not be judged harshly, which Virgie did in her blog yesterday. I understand fat bigotry (HELLO, I identify as an FA), I realize that I probably don’t get triggered as much as some people do by intentional weight loss talk, because I am a long term weight loss surgery peer. That doesn’t mean that intentional weight loss talk doesn’t get to me, at times, too, because it does. But it’s an “occupational hazard” I embrace, because while I’m not fully accepted in ANY community I do activism for,  my weight loss surgery peers do a better job of supporting what they agree with me with and ignoring what they don’t.

I’ve gotten bashed enough times with my opinions on defending intentional weight loss in my own internet spaces, by FAs that I’m no longer affiliated with any particular FA group.

It isn’t a matter of biting the hand that feeds you, when a FA bashes someone who defends both sides. NO ONE tells me what type of advocacy I can do or can’t do and NO ONE tells me how to do it. Telling me or insinuating that there’s something flawed with my Fat Acceptance advocacy and activism, for those  who defend intentional weight loss in their OWN safe spaces, is failing fat people, it ain’t helping them.

What militant Fat Acceptance are doing by bashing people like myself, hurts Fat Acceptance it doesn’t help it. And sometimes it borders on bullying people to think exactly like as far as how certain militant Fat Acceptance advocates do their activism.  People like me, are probably the ONLY shot, Fat Acceptance has of being understood, by true fat bigots, who’ve NEVER been fat,   in getting the message across, it’s NOT ok to HATE on something, that people have been conditioned for years by society and the media, to find unacceptable if not repulsive, by saying be apathetic to what one hates or try to understand the what, why and where their hatred comes from. And get past it.

So that the world will be a better place, for everyone.

You really think fat haters or going to buy into Fat Acceptance, otherwise? Just by a hypocritical movement that still is bashing people based upon size (those who are on the thinner side of the spectrum or who want to be)???

Seriously???….

The only thing I’m embarrassed enough to admit, is that I wanted to write a blog like this, a long time ago. But have put it off as I do have very FEW militant FAs that I adore. And who’ve been extremely supportive of me, regardless of what opinions I share about weight matters in my own internet spaces or they’ve shown me the courtesy of ignoring in what I do or say that they don’t agree with.

They don’t pretend that I don’t exist. If I’d digitally delete or unfriend someone every time I had a difference of opinion, I’d have NO social media buds. I, for the most part try to have an ” agree to disagree, respectfully” stance when discussing controversial subjects.

While my social media spaces aren’t a democracy, they aren’t a dictatorship, either.

But the reason why I’m saying this about the majority of the militant Fat Acceptance advocates, they do just as much bullying, in some cases as the bullying that they are trying to fight. It’s one thing to me, as exhibited in my blog, to be hateful to outright haters (like in my last blog), I am not hateful of anyone who just has a strongly different opinion in the matter of body politics, than my own.

And as far as the Jared Fogle link, being shared in the Fat Acceptance communities or anywhere for the matter? Insinuating that their might have been any type of possibility that fat phobia caused Jared Fogle to be a predator? That’s ridiculous and insulting. And it is  feeding into fat phobia, not helping it.

The ONLY reason Jared Fogle acted out on pedophiliac behavior is because he is a pedophile!!!

p.s I’m not really worried about the few who might unfriend me over my opinions on how badly some FAs begin with. The ones I respect their opinion, I gave them heads up. The ones I didn’t, including Virgie, I’m NOT going to miss the support I NEVER had from them.  People who have issues with being egocentric either online or offline, definitely is NOT smaller size, specific.

p.s.s.  I also have a thicker skin, if you’ll excuse the horrible pun, the most people give me credit for. One has to, when they exist in a world that either tells them that they are too fat or they aren’t fat enough!!!

Note: Respectful differences of opinions, will be published.

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The Project Harpoon peeps can go FUCK themselves…..

Most of my social media buds (as well as offline/ “in real life” peeps) know I don’t go online Fridays. They also know that I’m not easily shocked, given my circumstances.

I don’t know why, when I came back online Saturday morning of the 22nd of August, that I was horrified to hear about a community of haters who photoshop large people into being thinner, under the guise of trying to shame people into “better health”.

I actually did write a blog about the opposite happening, a little over 6 months ago, when an artist who has a BBW fetish, photoshopped thin celebrities into being fat, which while I didn’t love that, it isn’t nearly as hurtful as these pieces of shit, who hate under the guise of health.

If I have to say this a MILLION times, I will. Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance isn’t a conspiracy to make thin people fat. It’s a movement that anyone of any size should get behind for multiple reasons. Such as it’s not right to hate any classification for any reason (as I find thin bullying/bashing just as repugnant as fat bashing), but that fat bashing is still so socially acceptable, if not embraced. Fat phobia and fat bigotry also harms thin people, as we’ve demonized fat, so much in our society, that people die of Anorexia, because they think that being fat is the worst thing to happen to a person, so they’d rather risk dying by not eating, then risk being fat (note: Anorexia Nervosa is a complex psychological disorder that goes beyond the little of what I’m defining it as, the same could be said for Obesity, which I personally, don’t think being fat in itself, is being in a diseased state, unlike most of my fellow weight loss surgery peers and most of society. I’d believe it is a complex medical and mental health disease as it applies to those who elect to have bariatric surgery ).

Let’s get something straight, right off the bat. Any community that calls themselves “Project Harpoon” and resorts to using  hate and shame tactics to shaming fat people, doesn’t like the majority of human beings on the earth, and have to be the most fucked up, pathetic pieces of shit, that could possibly walk the earth.

People who do care about weight being a possible health issue, but care about people, would NEVER resort to hateful tactics like these pieces of shit are doing.

I’m not linking any of their hateful bullshit. Not going to risk that someone is going to profit from hatred of people from clicking on their links . I can only hope that people keep reporting their hateful antics and their sites , as hate speech.

Lastly…. And again, I’m repeating myself. You cannot gauge health based upon size or weight. You also can’t tell what people have tried to do to lose weight. Whether it be in my case where I had a bariatric surgery that FAILED me (but still defend bariatric surgery as an intervention for weight loss and understand the multiple reasons why people elect to have bariatric surgery) or the fact that I know people who’ve had weight loss surgery, lose hundreds of pounds but are still not considered thin by society, and they get judged harshly.

But NO ONE should have to feel that they have to lose weight to get respect and not be hated.

NEWS FLASH for fat phobic bigots. You don’t find a fat person attractive? That’s fine. But instead of bashing what you HATE, try apathy for that, as well as just concentrating on what you like. The world is a way too negative place, now a days to begin with. Also it might shock the fat phobic bigots that for some of us, especially women, while I’m heavy enough to be fat, I’m a “baby fat” (I’m about a size 12/14 on average) so I’m too fat for men who only like thin women . For true BBW admirers, I’m not fucking fat ENOUGH. And I’m not the only one who’s had to deal with bullshit stuff like that. Thank goodness there’s people of both genders who can appreciate people without being hateful to what they are NOT attracted to, regardless of how thin or fat, someone is.

Fucking UNBELIEVABLE!!! If  CANCER got as much attention as being fat does, there would fucking be a cure for it, by now.

Note: I am too fucking pissed to be able to write about this, WITHOUT using profanity. I’m hoping that when I’m not as outraged, I can post something that can be possibly shared, if people read this, think it has merit, but don’t feel comfortable sharing because of the profanity.

Same rules apply, people are allowed to respectfully disagree with me as it applies to weight. I will NOT publish any posts that are in support of Project Harpoon.

The Dangers of Social Media for Tweens and Teens…..

I’ve seen this video trend for the last 2 days and finally broke down and watched it, yesterday. There’s a ton of trigger warnings with this video, posted above.. But it’s value is priceless, in showing how young children (all this could apply to adults, too!!!) are vulnerable  or even if they aren’t and confident,  but think that they are invincible. And that nothing bad could happen to them.

It scared me to death, for multiple reasons, and I’m 45 and not much shocks me. I’ve already had the discussion with my tween, that someone will need to have her password, when she gets on social media. Whether it be me, my parents or 22 year old brother. Just like I had the same conversation about predators on and off the internet, with her brother about 15 years ago, I had that conversation a few weeks ago, with her.

Also note, You Tube putting to the right, um, of actual porn, I think is horribly inappropriate (at least that’s what I got when I clicked the link and I’m the only one using this computer and I don’t watch porn, personally) so use your own judgment on whether it’s appropriate or not to watch yourself and/or/how you share with your children.

While I think the video showcases, in the way it needs to be, of  how naive parents can be about their children’s ability to have the potential to be harmed by a predator, it could use some elaboration.

I remember over 20 years ago, of attending ECFE classes with my son. During one of the classes we watched a video that highlighted “stranger danger” (the kids were in a different room), and even then, of what children think when thinking of a dangerous stranger “looks like” and how easily they went with someone who didn’t “look scary”. This was focused on younger children.

However, 20 years later, we live in a society of Instagrams and Facebook. And with everyone having an opinion on whether someone is attractive or not. When someone not so conventionally attractive gets arrested, people reiterate that it’s their exterior that’s ugly and, of course, that person was a predator.

It’s a lot more shocking and it shouldn’t be, when someone is considered conventionally attractive and is accused of a violent crime. Especially, when it comes to pedophilia. And it shouldn’t be. I’m not saying that all attractive people are predatory because they aren’t. But vice versa, teaching people, especially children, that they assess a safety risk by a person’s exterior, is NOT something we should be doing.

It’s not something we should be doing regardless of gender and age. Of having children and adults assess, quite inaccurately, of who and what plays a risk in their safety. And WHY…..

The “Instagram Era” that we are now in, isn’t also helping that 12 year olds feel like they have to look like 20 year old super models, to be popular.

The thing is, that this video (which the man who’s responsible for making this video, said yesterday he’s making one that concentrates on boys) does a really good job of saying that predators, have the capacity to get to our children, fairly quickly. That you can’t think just because you’ve done everything right as a parent, and that if your tween or teen has confidence issues, or even if they don’t have confidence issues, that they won’t be a victim to a horrific crime.

Because they could be. In a matter of minutes. If not seconds. This isn’t just a teaching video of a worst case possible scenario. Real life tweens and teens have been violently, if not fatally harmed, from predators who used similar tactics.

So, I’m just elaborating on, if you are going to discuss of the WHAT is so important about this video, that you explain the WHY. And if you don’t understand the why, hopefully the above 5-6  paragraphs, that any parent  shouldn’t have too much confidence (this time you’ll just have to respect the source) as a parent or in your children, not to just check in regularly with them, in all matters that compromise their safety, in the digital era, in a non judgmental setting for them to talk with you, that is comfortable for THEM. And allow your children, IF for some reason, you can’t be that safe person to tell them things, that effect their safety, that you give them an option,of safe adults with respect to their privacy, of who to tell.

I’m normally the last person on the planet,  to give parenting advice.

But in a matter of life or death, or potential violent harm to a child, I haven’t heard anyone talking about the video, of  saying anything more than just “share” the video. Sharing it, isn’t enough. Understanding how for children, for various reasons, a predator can get to a tween or teen IS what’s important. And what they need to do to protect themselves from happening, is of utmost importance.

Note: All comments that are respectful will be published. I’m also a not a  clinically trained professional when it comes to matters of psychiatry, psychology and public safety. Any comments that will elaborate on, the importance of this video or the insights that I made, is most definitely welcomed.  Thanks!!!!

Happy 2nd Birthday, unstapledlisa!!!! And……..

My blog turns 2, today!!!

The blog that I have to say, I didn’t ever think I’d ever get up the courage to write it, even though I’ve done the activism that’s on here, in various forms, since I started actively participating on social media, since January of 2010.

The blog that while I don’t get paid for it and it doesn’t have a high readership, somehow though, makes its way to people who need it and who it helps them. So everything that my children and I went through 7+ years ago, as far as the bad and the heartbreaking, wasn’t all in vain.

I’ve made mention that I actually did join Facebook, after not being online for a year, in August of 2009. I also have made mention, that I had NO IDEA, of what Facebook was, as I was still in the mental health system, after my suicide attempt. And I was quite medicated at that time.

Which today is the 7th anniversary of my suicide attempt. And I didn’t wake up with a great amount of trepidation, as I have on this date, like I have in the past.

Even if there is a recurrent theme, that I haven’t made peace with my past, I’ve still decided to move forward. I may not decide to move forward as far as my children are concerned, meaning, that I’m ALWAYS going to be stuck in the past, and heartbroken, that I couldn’t raise them, to adulthood or be what they needed the last few years they were with me. But I constantly dwell on my past life with my children, just so I don’t lose any more memories of them.

But, I don’t live in my past, anymore. Nor do I let it define me. Or limit me.  Other than what naturally my own disabilities limit me, and I only let them limit me, to an extent.

And  on this 7th anniversary of my suicide attempt, that I survived, as I still was quite sick, medically, certain things bear mentioning, of where I was 7 years ago,  as well as since then, as I can’t even edit my early blogs or even some of my recent ones.

So I’ll recap it for you, in case you missed it.

7 years ago, I woke up in the afternoon, not thinking I’d survive my attempt to overdose on narcotics. I ended up on a psych ward for 34 days (I was on a medical floor the first night under a suicide watch and had an aide who watched me until they moved me to the psych ward). I ended up during that period of time, when on the psych ward, of nearly being committed to a long term mental health hospital.  Instead I ended up in group homes for an additional 15 1/2 months. But I had to go through commitment hearings, which in the end, they “stayed” the commitment but made me a legal ward of the State for 6 months.

But I lost my freedom for 508 days. Which comes out to as 1 year, 4 months and 20 days.

It NEVER gets old, as much in ability that I lost, of what in the most basic of freedoms, that I have now, that I didn’t have in that period of time, even though I was quite medically sick due to gastric bypass complications and spent time in the hospital for ulcers, while still in the group home, that I was in, for the last year  I was in the MH system.

I had nothing, though, in that period of time. Literally some clothes, a few knicknacks that  I was able to grab from my apartment, when I first got out of the psych ward and was in the 1st group home, which was a 90 day intensive behavior treatment group home. I had some clothes and my father gave me an old little tv with a built in VCR..

Which would be all of the possessions I’d have, during the duration of my stay in the mental health system.

I remember in August of 2009, my hearing for my SSDI. That it helped to hear the judge be outraged of what I was put through, as well as what my children were so unnecessarily put through HELL  and was deciding in my favor. I do remember joining Facebook, as I said above, also in August of 2009, but not having any idea of what it was, from my local library, which is the current library I now use. But I still had very little hope, and it seemed to take  forever from the judge ruling in my favor, to get my SSDI and to get my backpay, that would allow me to move out on my own.

It NEVER gets old though, the freedoms I got back. Even with all the abilities that I lost. I woke up this morning, didn’t have to worry about waking up in time to make breakfast, at the group home, which was served early in the morning. And their food was crappy. Or getting woken up by a certain time, to take meds, that it would be proved later on, that had very little therapeutic benefit but that I had serious physical consequences, such as my ulcers getting worse.

It NEVER gets old that I choose what I want to eat. That I have medications that I’m allowed to take, for pain and anxiety and I choose when to take them, no one makes that choice for me. That I can come and go as I please. No one can say where I can go and how long I can be gone for. Which is something I had to deal with, until I moved out on my own.

It NEVER shocks to fail me, the irony, that 2 years after my suicide attempt, that I’d be fighting to stay alive, in August of 2010, trying not to die of a g.i. bleed. That I’d get back my freedom after being in the system so long, to spend most of that time on campus or inpatient due to my complications from my gastric bypass getting worse. That I was waiting 5 years ago, trying to hold on, until my gastric bypass reversal. That while my gastric bypass reversal saved me from acutely dying, I didn’t know 5 years ago, as I hoped I’d get my children back, after I healed from it. However it took me a long time internally to heal. And I was still quite sick, 4 years later, in August of 2011. With projectile vomiting blood and still having abdominal pain, which I had, both after my reversal and for the following year. As well as other medical health issues.

I didn’t know that getting the Mirena IUD, in November of 2011, would be another potential fatal health issue for me. But one I wouldn’t recognize for another 15 months, which I at that point was on the verge of having a stroke, in March of 2013,  still haven’t ruled out a TIA and because I have the issues I do, of when seeing new doctors. Whether they be acute care or specialists.

I NEVER made mention though, in this blog or to very many people , of the nervous breakdown, that I had again, in Winter of 2013. Not knowing what Mirena was playing into that, as well as personal circumstances, getting really bad for me, where I’m choosing not to go into detail of the specifics, but I found myself technically homeless in late 2012 and losing friends closest to me, that was not within the realm of my control. And right  after moving to my current apartment, the enormous amount of physical pain and emotional pain I was in, led me to self isolate, for self protection. Because I knew that if I couldn’t rein it in, that I even if I’d survive physically what I was going through, I’d be mentally in a place, where not only would it be worse, then it was in 2007/2008, but that I wouldn’t recover from it, and I had fought too hard to stay alive, to lose anymore of my abilities and my freedom.

I can’t go into every minute detail, of my life, in the last 7 years. Where the above has major relevance is that being medically complex like I am, certain things, like pregnancy, a perfectly performed gastric bypass, an IUD, things that women go through well, if not thrive afterwards, nearly kills me.

But the relevance, psychologically is even greater. Because what I will do or say as an activist and what I’m willing to do personally, is conflicting. In someways it makes me a hypocrite, but understandably so. I didn’t psychiatric help when I had my nervous breakdown in Winter of 2013. I did everything I could, for the few people who were still in my life, to hide it.

Because I was terrified of ending back in the mental health system. Keep in mind, that I had no prior psychiatric history before 7 years ago. I had my 1st psychiatric hospitalization,  about 2 weeks before my suicide attempt, exactly 7 years ago. But because I honestly didn’t expect to survive my suicide attempt, let alone have to suffer the repercussions of it, with  losing my freedom for so long, I understand better than anyone, who may have multiple reasons of NOT seeking mental health treatment, when in personal mental health crisis.

And while as an activist, I try to push for those to get help. I understand better than anyone, the fears they have of getting help. Because it’s not impossible for me or a few like me, where they ended up in the mental health system, and they could NOT get out of it.

And there’s NO way that I’m EVER going to lose my freedom like that, EVER AGAIN. But I can say as an activist, if your depression is going to possibly be fatal to you, you don’t have any freedom, when you are a prisoner of your mental health issues and have NO peace of mind. The last thing I’d want to do as an activist and advocate, is for someone in fear of losing their freedom of choice, lose their lives, because their mental health issues ended up being fatal for them.

With that being said, what am I going to do today, to celebrate, if anything? Not sure, yet.  But I celebrate my freedom and what the little my life is, everyday. I never take it for granted. And it never fails to delight me, as sad as I am that the best part of my life is over, as far as being a proactive mother who could work and drive and I have NO guarantee that I’m not going to get sicker mentally or physically, I take each day as it comes.

Sometimes that means, I still stay at home, because I’m too physically sick and in too much pain to go outside. My choice. I still have the choice, as I’ve said before, to do that. As well as choose what I eat, medications I take. I don’t share a television with 50 people, anymore. I have my own smart tv. I have this laptop that I can blog from as well as stay as connected or not as connected as I like, with some amazing people I’ve met due to social media, in over the last 5 years. I can read a book or a magazine from a tablet. I can take pictures with a smartphone, that I didn’t even know they existed 7 years ago, just like I didn’t know Facebook did.

I can choose to go out and while I’m not rolling in money, I’m not living on $100 a month, either. I can go out to lunch, see a movie. Go shopping for cute clothes. I can do that on my own,  while even though it’s challenging with my cognitive disabilities, I am up for the challenge and embrace it.

I know now that even if I’m not the same fitness freak I was, 10 years ago, that I can go for an 8 mile walk. I can walk by the old group home I used to live at, which is only 2 miles away and know that I’ll fight for what my best mental and medical health looks like. And that NOBODY will ever have that kind of power over me again like they did between August of 2008 to the end of December of 2009.

I’ll fight the good fight, for what I believe is wrong that happens to other people who don’t have a voice. I’ll fight the good fight that needs to happen, so that people who are shamed for their disabilities, for how they look like, for being bullied for any reason, have a voice and realize that they aren’t alone, and other people not just me, cares. And that while all this advocacy and activism I do now, wasn’t something I planned on doing, 10 years ago, it’s something I’m MEANT to do, now. And I do it, extremely well.

I know now, that I am no longer a victim. And I am doing more than just surviving. But at the same time, I’ve also been hurtful to others.  And while I’m still not an angel, I try not to think too much about those who don’t have my best interest at heart. And I will try in my unconventional relationship with my children, that they always know I love them more than anything, and that I try to support them, as best as I can, currently.

And what was amazing about our lives together as small bonded loving family, is always honored. That what was bad when things were at the worst for me, didn’t happen in vain. That by talking about it, as an activist, helped other families not only get help that they need, but that they didn’t lose their beloved parent due to medical or mental health crisis. Or parents of adult children, who have adult children in medical and/or mental health crisis,  that I’ve helped support and help them gain a better understanding, that this wasn’t anything within the realm of their control, let alone their children.

I’m NEVER going to say that I was grateful for all these unneeded learning lessons. But I am choosing to the best of my ability, to not only survive them, when near fatal, but live my life. And celebrate everyday of what’s good about my life, the people and my circumstances, which aren’t a nightmare anymore, while allowing myself to be sad, of what’s still bad about it. And be proud of myself that I’m not bitter. Just at times, really remorseful.

Happy 2nd birthday, unstapledlisa!!! And a big thank you to whoever or whatever was looking out for me, that I didn’t die exactly 7 years ago. Or 5 years ago. Or 2 1/2 years ago.

Life ain’t grand but it’s good. And I’m eternally grateful for what it is, what it isn’t and who I have that I love the most…

Honoring Robin Williams on the 1st anniversary of his death…..

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Above photo credit, taken from Robin Williams’s Facebook page/posted on 6-6-2014. One of the few last posts on his page, prior to his death.

I knew that there would be a lot said on social media today, about today being the 1st anniversary of Robin Williams’s death.

Robin Williams’s death has saddened me, for a lot of reasons. As well as made me angry (which had nothing to do with him) , which I’ve written various blogs in honor of Robin, in the last year.

This blog will be NO different. It will be to honor the way he lived, not the way he died.

The reason will be reiterated, as I go along in this blog, as I’ve said in other blogs about him.

I think for how much he gave of himself, to others, the joy and sadness that we were able to get from his work, is what should be his legacy. Not how he died.

Not that there is shame in how he died, I’m a  mental health activist, who concentrates on suicide prevention. It just saddens me to no end, that his death is going to cast a pall , while not necessarily a negative one, but a complicated one, that it took his death, to realize, that we have a ways to go in supporting those who have complex medical and mental health issues.

That while  even though we have so much we can still enjoy from his work, as well as learn from his honesty and with integrity, in how he lived his life. How much pleasure he gave people. How in him being honest with his own demons, made it easier for others to come forward and get help for what they needed.

Both after his death, but while he was still alive, is what I want to concentrate on with him, going forward. It’s not going to change, as I was a mental health activist who concentrated on suicide prevention, before his death, as well as after.

It just makes me profoundly sad that his death, should ever overshadow his life. While normally, I’d appreciate anything that brings attention to removing stigma from mental health and suicidal ideation/suicidality , it can’t be with him being made the poster child, of why mental health and suicide prevention needs more awareness.

If you want to honor his life, as well as his loved one’s requests, concentrate on the pleasure we have gotten from his work. How at times it made you laugh until you cried. Or in his more dramatic roles, how it made you cry. How it made you think. How his work made you feel your feelings, deeply. Honor him by realizing that de-stigmatizing mental health and suicide isn’t by forwarding a meme about mental health with a picture of him, bi-annually.

Realize that everyone who suffers from mental health issues and suicidality, and their loved ones, deserves the same compassion, respect and honor, in the way they live or lived.

And in the various ways they die. No more stigma. No more shame.  No more differentiating a death from suicidality to any other medical or mental health disorder. By making a concentrated effort, to remove stigma, isn’t glorifying or promoting suicide. It’s trying with more compassion for everyone, to understand what it is. And what it isn’t.

I’ll be honoring Robin Williams’s life, by choosing to celebrate on how he lived his life and watch Patch Adams and maybe a comedy special of his, today. Because I, like most people , haven’t been able to watch any of his work, in the last year, of being so sad that he’s gone.

But I realize now, that I’d like to think he’d want people to honor him, in the way he lived. And to enjoy his amazing work.

I really have to believe, that he would NOT want people to dwell on his death. Or the way he died.

Rest In Peace, Robin

How to handle people when you’re the DUFF/Ugly Hurts part 2

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I’ve also  FUCKING had enough of body and looks shaming in my offline life….

The acronym DUFF will mean 2 separate things on this blog….

It will either mean Designated Ugly Fat Friend

OR Disabled Ugly Fat Female………..

Both in using to describe how I feel in society, at times or by peers, justifiably so, as it’s not just my body dysmorphia that’s driving this, it’s what strangers and peers tell me about the appearance bullying that they’ve been subjected to.  What others say and as well as what kind of looks I get,  as well as others, when out in public. And because I’m not alone in being treated this way, I decided to make this a blog and do activism for, rather than just rant about it, privately.

I was a VERY busy girl on Saturday. However because of one of my health issues, which is literally being allergic to the sun AND humidity, the second I leave my house, whether I take an effort to get ready or just shower and throw clothes on, whether I’m outside for 5 minutes or 5 hours, on a hot sunny day, I look like I was left in an oven at 550 degrees, for about 6 hours.

It’s embarrassing, and I’d be lying, if I didn’t say that from April to November, unless I’ve stayed inside all day or only have gone out for a few minutes at a time, where I’ve been in air conditioning places, I will profusely sweat, due to allergy to sun and heat sensitivity.

There’s NOTHING I can do, to prevent this. It’s a medical health issue and it’s getting worse as I get older. It has NOTHING to do with my weight, as I didn’t have this problem with sun sensitivity or sweating too much, at my heaviest before or after my gastric bypass. And after for how many times I’ve nearly died for medical reasons, I refuse to hide myself.

Anyhow, I had a busy day on Saturday and ended up going out Saturday night. By the time I went to a bar to meet friends, I’d been up since 3:30 a.m. , early Saturday morning and I had walked 2 miles from my house to the bar, I had gotten 9 miles (which most of them, by then, had been in the sun and humidity)in walking, by the time I got there.

Now I know I looked terrible. It was further reinforced when a few picture taken of me with others, from Saturday night, was posted on social media, which did upset me, earlier this afternoon.

The pictures were not posted with malice, they weren’t even about me,while I made a comment that I didn’t love how I looked, I defended it.

What I didn’t do, though, is describe all the looks I got, when out and about , during the day and at night. Which is my norm, especially during the Summer. As I live in large busy city, and I never  fail to attract negative attention, both in looks and in comments made to me, when I get out. .

I’ve discussed this before in other blogs. What I haven’t discussed in great detail, is what and what not to do about it, in conjunction with putting a definition on it, such as DUFF in public and DUFF in one’s personal life.

This is the way I look at it. If taking potshots at people, whether it be online such as a picture like following featured below, makes one feel better about themselves, it’s not another person not being attractive to another, that’s the problem, it’s society thinking that it’s right to hate on people, based upon appearance and for people who are devoid of a soul that they get satisfaction in bullying others. And I’ve seen hundreds of pictures, if not more, like the one below, if not more, since being on social media.

Cottage

I could say as an activist, that people should be more disgusted about their bullying and/ hating on people for what they look like on the outside,  but in the era of Facebook and Instagram, that ain’t gonna fly. As we’ve all seen the memes that sometimes will talk about inner beauty, sometimes the same people who are prone to post a picture like the one above, who talk about the importance of being beautiful on the inside and not the outside.

Because they are FUCKING mentally defective, (which is not the same as mental illness, which I’m an activist for) morally bankrupt, hateful HYPOCRITES.

However……….. Facebook is called Facebook and NOT Soulbook, for a reason. And a lot of times that reasons aren’t in the best interest of people. Whether they are a supermodel or they aren’t considered being physically attractive.

As much as it sucks and sometimes hurts existing in a society that judges me  and others about appearance, it’s sometimes for some of us, a hundred times worse, when the DUFF definition, becomes personal.

Meaning you have people in your life, where they either get some satisfaction that they are more attractive then you are or that you have looks even a loved one or someone you care about, not only can’t love you for, but actually straight out or subtly hates on you for. Whether they are straight out or subtle in their perverse satisfaction of being considered (whether it’s perception and/or they are more conventionally attractive)  more attractive than you are.

This is my personal philosophy about this. And I’m NOT sorry to burst anyone’s pathetic bubble about this. I am NOT jealous of people who are more attractive than me, in my personal life, including some of the models (some of them who would NEVER do something so crappy and are just as beautiful on the inside as the outside) friends that are naturally beautiful, regardless of weight and those  I’m friends with that I have who had a better outcome post weight loss surgery than I did. I’m happy for the good things that happen to people I care about and sad for the bad things.
(Note: For those of you in my personal life who’ve done this to me, especially subtly, I know who you are and this is your notice that I don’t think highly of you and/or you have something so pathetic about yourself, that I haven’t cut you loose. YET…)

But this isn’t just about me. This is about people who are broken on the inside for being on the outside, not considered conventionally attractive. As I’ve said before even Caitlyn Jenner said about trans bullying, what others think or say about me, won’t break me. I’ve survived too much shit, in my 45 years, to let haters and bullies have a shot of breaking me, even if it does hurt my feelings at times.

This is for the people who are broken because of pervasive bullying based upon looks.Who don’t have a voice or don’t even think they are worth being defended, which they are worth it.

You don’t have to own, anyone’s negative opinion of you. Especially when it comes to circumstances, such as looks and weight, which is superficial (I’m NOT discussing or debating the “Obesity” argument with this blog,  it’s not necessary or appropriate to debate fat as a potential or current health issue, in this blog). and isn’t a reflection of your beauty, but others’s internal ugliness.

It is true and it took me a long time to understand that “Others opinion about me, is NONE of my business”. And if you can accept this, you will spare yourself decades of grief, that I’ve had to go through being bullied, to finally realize that I don’t have shame to bear from not being conventionally attractive. And neither does anyone.

Think about it. If a stranger is doing this to you, why do you care what someone who has no idea of what you are  about, and doesn’t care about hurting other people, that’s not people you give any rent in your head and heart, to. Even if it’s human nature to care, try a little harder NOT to care. In the scope of your life, these people are NOTHING and should be nothing to you.

While it’s harder to put up with appearance bashing whether it’s subtle or intentional, from people who may be close to us, especially if they show in other ways that they do care about us, as people are complex and multi-faceted, this is something that NO ONE has a right to hate and/or bully someone for. IF you can’t discharge the negativity of that aspect of those people, then you need to get them out of your lives. But don’t let someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart, in ways that matter the most, keep hurting you like this. It’s a shitty thing to do to someone, being done by shitty people.

I hope this helps others, as well as create a dialogue of why this happens in the first place. As this goes beyond trying to make money about people’s insecurities, when people are subjected to this by society and their friends and family. While it wasn’t totally altruistic in nature, it needed to be said not only from a personal point of view, but as an activist.

Because it can be life ruining if not life ending, to be subjected to hate and bullying about appearance, that goes beyond weight or race and the internet has made it even a more difficult playing field for people who are bullied for this reason.

And it needs to STOP. NOW….

Important note: Appearance bullying is NOT gender specific. Unfortunately both genders are equal opportunity HATERS as well as targets for hate and bullying…….

Note: As always, I welcome other people’s life stories, as well as a difference in opinion, if shared respectfully. If NOT, your response will NOT be published…

What’s NOT being talked about in the argument for gun control…..

This is another scary blog for me to write, but I believe it needs to be said and hopefully, it will create a dialogue for those of us who both horrified and terrified about all the horrific murders that happen on a daily basis.

There is nothing I’d like to believe more, that regulating guns more, will save innocent lives. If I honestly believed that, I’d be the biggest supporter of gun control. However, for as liberal as I am, this is WHY I don’t believe gun control will help in reducing murder and violent crime.

And the last thing I want to do is offend anyone, let alone, cause more grief in someone who’s lost a loved one who was shot to death and/or has a loved one, if not themselves, who survived a shooting and finds to give purpose to their lives, to advocate for tighter gun control. I don’t want to offend anyone who believes in tighter gun control, PERIOD.

I’m just trying to explain why I don’t believe guns are the problem. And concentrating on one specific weapon, gives people a false sense of security that it will save lives. I’m just trying to explain why, that I don’t believe that to be true.

I think any loss of life or an attempt to kill someone, is a tragic. However, I think instead of all these initiatives or all these resources such as money, time and energy in trying to lobby for tighter gun control, could be better served if it got to the heart of the matter.

That would be  is WHY (and the reasons are various and complex) people feel the need to kill another person and/or commit other acts of violent crime and having initiatives that concentrate on murder and violence prevention.

While I personally don’t know any murderers and I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical and psychiatric matters,  I can best hypothesize though, that if someone wants to kill another person, they aren’t going to change their mind, just because it’s not legal to get a gun.

And I’m obviously aware that I’m NOT the first person to say that.

A person who murders or potential murderer’s or someone who’s predisposed to being violent, their moral code just doesn’t work that way. They don’t have a moral code, obviously. Or they may, but it won’t matter if their thoughts and actions lead to violent harm and/or death of a person or people.

I’m definitely NOT saying that guns don’t scare the HELL out of me, because they do. So do bombs, cars, poisons, intentional fires and airplanes etc.  Because all of them, as well as many other things and even people themselves,  have been used to kill a lot of people at once.

But the scariest thing to me, is NOT the  weapon of choice. It’s the psyche of those who commit violent crime.

What scares me the most and needs to be talked about more, is WHY people KILL in the first place, regardless of the weapon of their choice and having more resources to address that and have initiatives for intervention/evaluation and HOPEFULLY, rehabilitation.

I can’t see the murder and/or other acts of violent crime rate going down, until we realize that a weapon of choice is NOT the problem.

It’s the broken, destructive, warped psyche of the murderers. And social media isn’t helping when it comes to that. If murderer doesn’t die, when they try or attempt to kill or commit other acts of violence against another or a lot of people, so much attention that they get in social media is NOT helping the issue.

It’s actually making it worse. Because anyone capable of violent crime, in their warped minds, feel a sense of reward and/or accomplishment, with all the media attention. Even if they think or actually know they will die, too. I’m not saying someone who’s capable of violent crime, wouldn’t commit it, if we didn’t give so much media attention to the perpetrators of these heinous acts.I just don’t think anyone who’s capable of horrific acts of violence, would think of it as a deterrent, to NOT to commit these acts, because they are afraid of the media attention.

Because they obviously are not afraid of the consequences in anything to do with their heinous acts of violence. If they were, they wouldn’t commit them, in the first place.

I’m honestly hoping this will lead to a constructive dialogue of what needs to change in our society to make it a safer place.

This is what I think. Now, I want to know what you all believe, if you feel you like chiming in. And the reason why, if you want to elaborate. And I don’t mind if you disagree, just keep it respectful.

As always, if you or anyone you know, is in crisis and capable of harming themselves or others, please seek immediate professional guidance and help, whether it be law enforcement and/or assistance from a clinically trained professional.

Note: And as always, I always will welcome debate. Any disrespectful and/or triggering comments, will NOT be posted…. Thanks….

And also note, I NEVER have and would NEVER own a gun. But I would defend someone’s right to carry a firearm, for self protection (and that’s a whole another blog and I’m not getting into that, today, with this blog)

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