IF a picture is worth a thousand words…

Then lucky for you, my dear reader…….

This blog should then be 2,000 words less than what I’m kinda known for.

Anyhoo, my boyfriend and I were at Target yesterday and when walking near the Halloween section, I saw the most awesome thing ever, that can kind of convey of how I feel most of the time, without like using all these words…..

Anyone who knows me really well, knows I HATE Halloween (you’ll havta read my blog on the “candy bandit” for more deets on that).

However I often use other people’s responses to me whether it be just normal folks or medical and mental health providers, about the look when I tell them the more unusual aspects of my life,  as “Imagine you were looking at a unicorn on CRACK!!!”..

HOWEVER, for someone who’s had some really “unusual” aspects in their life and HATES Halloween, I usually like having both devil horns and a halo, as an accessory at times.

I also find that I get less pestered in this big diverse city of mine, when I’m wearing devil horns on any day other than Halloween, I don’t get asked for money, smokes, drugs and/or  sex.

It’s also a good representation of what people get with me.

Treat me respectfully and I’ll do so in kind, but if you treat you me like crap, then I can sometimes respond (verbally) like a demon from hell, as exhibited in pic below.

I actually did buy the “devil horns” that I’m featured wearing above, yesterday. And way to go, Target, as they were cool and fairly inexpensive, given the fact that “My Target” is their flagship store, right next to global corporate headquarters, and in addition to their costs being higher not related to just operating costs, because they lack competition.

EVEN after a 10 million dollar renovation, which included  a major grocery expansion, they still manage to run out of the 3 out of 6 things, I regularly wanna buy, but in the meantime I have about EIGHTY options for organic milk (ain’t an organic or milk peep) that drives me nuts.

But I digress…. Point I’m trying to make, is while I’m unusual, as well as my circumstances, I’m not the most unusual person on the planet.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to either treat people with kindness or apathy, which is HOW I choose to operate, unless I’m really being put on the defense (as exhibited in many blogs on here), which is exhausting.

Especially for someone who avoids social media and people in general but cares about human beings well being, with good intentions.

Anyways, wish me luck this Halloween season. While I was grateful to have a photo option to finally explain how I feel that I’m perceived, Halloween in general, especially in Minneapolis, is widely celebrated for many weekends leading up to it.

Fun Fact: The unicorn  costumed peeps will equally scare the HELL out of me, like the Zombies costumed peeps, will!!!!

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Reflecting on Princess Diana-20 years after her death….

Do you remember where you were or what you were doing when you found out about Princess’s Diana’s horrific car accident that resulted in her death?

In August of 1997, almost 15 months after I shared a flight with her from Chicago O’Hare to London Heathrow, I was in an AOL “Mommy” chatroom, my son was probably at the time, watching a Power Rangers video, next to me, when someone said that she had been in a car accident.

After Zachary went to bed, I remember staying up all night watching the news, the horrific announcement of her death and the world’s reaction to it.

I wasn’t a huge royal fan. But I did watch her wedding.

I remember seeing the intense press scrutiny and all the security that occurred at O’Hare when our British Airways flight took off.

I never would’ve dreamed in the twenty years that has followed after her passing, that 10 years after that magical flight, that I’d be a happy (but getting really sick) mother of 2 beautiful kids, in the process of starting their own business. That 10 years after we’d have even more ways to follow everyone in the world.

I never could’ve dreamed or in my worst nightmares, think that 20 years after her passing, I  could write about how I felt on that flight and her death and share it, instantaneously, globally, but not do much else.

Not many people though can say they made eye contact and got a true smile, from Princess Diana, especially someone in my circumstances  (As I was a single mother of 1, with not a lot of money). I’m at least grateful for that.

And that I remember all of it.

But in addition to everything that can be both wonderful and horrifying about life in this age, I can’t imagine the intense scrutiny that could’ve possibly killed her, should she have surived that horrific car accident, both that and the tragic circumstances that did kill her 20 years ago, is what I find horribly saddening.

That’s how I feel and felt the need, even with all the bad things going on lately, to start a dialogue by writing this, of seeing how you all felt and providing a safe space to do so, either here on Word Press or on my Facebook account.

For those who are sad about this or being extraordinarily tested, in other ways, you’re in my thoughts.

OOH!!! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!

“MAYBE I GOT MINE… BUT YOU’LL ALL GET YOURS!!!”…..Taylor Swift/”Look What You Made Me Do”

Lookie here, it’s my very first music/video REVIEW!!! (edited 5 minutes after originally publishing, cause I apparently forgot my Adele/Hello review, that I blogged about 2 years ago, so we’ll just call this my first SUPER POSITIVE  music/video review, OK?)

It kind of took me awhile to get to listening to her music.

Although I’ve known about her for awhile, just liking her collection of songs, from the start of her conversion to pop from country songs, only like 2 years ago.

I always thought what Kanye West, what he did to her at the 2009 VMAs,  well when I found out about it, in 2010, beyond repugnant.

I’ve made mentioned of that, in past blogs. As well as other things I thought that he’s done, that’s been either also horrible to ridiculous.

And truthfully, I was hoping not to EVER have to make mention about Kanye West or Kim Kardashian, on a blog of mine, again.

I may not be on social media, very much.

But truthfully, I’m a COLOSSAL You Tube junkie…. Usually for music type videos, news, etc. On occasion for vlogs…. And okay, I’ll come clean as Homeless/Affordable Housing activist, I love seeing videos of both tiny to really expensive housing.

I managed to be in awe, after I got the chance to see lyric video for #LYWMMD on Friday and catching the premiere of the video, last night, was transformative for me, in a way I badly needed.

In the 7 1/2 years of having to rebuild my tiny crappy life, while I try to use this blog for greater good, as you can see, I’m not shy nor am I immune to the hate I can experience.

Especially, as of late, if you caught some of my more recent blogs, this year.

While I’ve talked about a little a bit, about the issues of friends of who hurt me badly, recently, and a lot about the bullying I’ve experienced lifelong from both strangers and people that I know, the outlet that I have for coping with that, MOST of the time, is music.

And I get comfort and pleasure from the song of #LWYMMD and while I’m sad that it was needed, in the first place, for her sake.

But I guess for my sake, it provides a safe way to cope with the hate and hurt that others have caused me that I’ve never had before.

And it’s awful, throughout her career that she’s been attacked the way she has, not only as an artist, but as a young woman who’s had  to constantly defend herself both in the past and presently.

But she did so, perfectly in the last 3-4 days, with #LWYMMD.

As well as fighting back in the last few weeks during her court case, where she was horrifically physically violated.

As far as Kanye is concerned, has been an emotional terrorist to Taylor, from 2009 to present time, and hopefully now Kimye, will just finally leave her alone!!!

As far as the song and video, possibly calling other people out, the people that she has reportedly done so, in such a stunning and iconic way, as well as being able to make fun of herself, in the most brilliant video and song lyrics I’ve ever seen and  heard, shows that she’s better than ever and ain’t going anywhere soon and I’m really happy about that.

Thank You, Taylor Swift!!!!

Note: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, however your “narrative” will NOT be posted, if you don’t agree. Don’t even try, OK? As I really don’t wanna be the blogger that will be starring in your bad dreams, should you go out of your way to make me feel bad.

Cause I got like all day and all night and new anthem to fortify me, against miserable people who don’t have anything better to do than hate on people, should you choose to start a fight with me, about this blog or the other 139 blogs that this disabled blogger has managed to put out, at this point in time, should you put me on the defense  ;)~

A heartfelt THANK YOU to Minneapolis Police, Minneapolis Firefighters and HCMC first responders from the wordy disabled poor blogger who lives in Downtown Minneapolis…..

Trigger Warnings: This blog is being written to highlight what Minneapolis first responders are up against and my gratitude for that.

I’m not writing this to antagonize families such as of those of Justine Damond or Philando Castile. Their stories have been told, will and should continue to be told  and have made global headlines.

What hasn’t made headlines, is the dangers that our Minneapolis Police, Fire and HCMC paramedics face everyday and their stories aren’t told.

I don’t for second,  believe that there isn’t a need for BLM and other advocacy groups but they have voices that best represent them, that it’s not necessary that I advocate for them, too.

The expectations of what put on our first responders, everday not just locally but NATIONALLY, is NOT being acknowledged and that’s the reason for this blog.

I’m concentrating ONLY  on Minneapolis first responders because I live in Downtown Minneapolis.

Thanks….

So my boyfriend and I went to Davanni’s in Downtown Minneapolis, on Saturday, it’s a local chain of pizza/italian restaurants and I see a member of , actually he was a ranked member of the MFD and I thank him for his service and he humbly says it’s not necessary, which when I tell him where I live, while he remains gracious, but he understands better.

It happens to be and I’ve mentioned it before, in previous blogs, I live 2 blocks away from Hennepin County Medical Center, a level 1 trauma center and county hospital.

It also happens to be, and I don’t mean any ill will for the non profit that owns my housing, that where I live, happens to be a “mixed bag” of sorts, when it comes to people who reside in my building.

While about over 1/2 the people who live where I do, are like me, grateful for their housing, good neighbors and are law abiding citizens whether they work or disabled, like I am, there are a lot of people who engage in really scary behaviors of illegal drug dealing and usage and other criminal acts both on the property and near it.

There’s both a lot of wealth and poverty on this particular block of mine. And while I’m 99.5 % positive, that there’s criminal type of activity in the wealthy properties, it’s just way more blatant, on my side of the block.

While the non profit I reside in, does it’s best to ensure our safety, such as  one can’t have a felony and live here, and they do comprehensive backround checks, that doesn’t mean that some residents and their friends who come on to the property don’t engage in illegal felonious behavior that makes quite a few of us feel extremely unsafe.

Even though the non profit goes out of their way for that to not happen, such as cameras in the building and security patrols at night and on weekends, which is truthfully NOT much of a deterrent for that kind of behavior.

Since I moved to Downtown Minneapolis, there is NOT an instance where I’m not bothered by being asked for cigarettes, drugs, sex and money or dealers wondering if I’m looking to buy, everytime I leave my house.

So it’s not that we just have the criminal aspect, but the STUPID criminal aspect, to be honest. But it’s the stupid criminal aspect that has the propensity to be violent, that makes this so scary.

Usually when I get asked that, I just say sorry, don’t have any money and am super broke. If I get asked for sex by a male, I tell them I have a jealous girfriend who just got out of prison. If it’s a female, I tell them I have a jealous boyfriend who got out of prison. If I’m asked for drugs, I tell them I’m on probation and jokingly say that I’m  not willing to go back to jail again, so sorry I don’t have any illegal drugs, such as Heroin, Meth and Marijuana, to name of few, but wish them well on their search.

Now, NONE of what I said, is TRUE. OTHER than that I’m not in posession of any illegal substances.  The reason why I operate that way, is because,  the LAST thing that you want to do, is operate on the defensive, to someone who has barriers are being inappropriate, and are showing that they are operating with irration that’s criminal in nature, or could potentially lead to a crime,  that could be a REAL and MAJOR  safety threat to oneself and their loved ones.

But in no way am I labeling people just because their poor, have mental illness issues or homeless, as lot of people like that are not only vulnerable to crime, but would NEVER be a threat to another human being and that’s the last type of prejudice that I’d want to project,  due to the stigmitaztion already, that exists with those populations, which I fall into 2 of them, right now and am an activist for all 3 of them, in addition to the other activism I do.

So when I’m harrassed though, I’m courteous, apologetic and concise to them, then I move on. After this happening for several years now, I don’t leave my house without looking REALLY MAD about something, to try and deter this kind of behavior, so I get less bothered.

And truthfully I do feel bad if it’s possible that I might scare someone, being someone who’s scared but now could be considered a threat, just cause I’m a chick who looks mad enough to want to kill someone, but would never would hurt someone.

The ONLY time that I try to scare people, somewhat  on purpose, is when I’m walking around in Downtown Minneapolis, people have young children running around, who they aren’t paying attention to, and I looking like a crazy smoking chubby disabled chick, will kinda move closer to the kid (like within 5 feet, not super close),  in hopes that the parent will look up from their cell phones before their kid runs into incoming traffic, otherwise I’m paying enough attention, that should that child be at risk for that, I’d throw the cigarette down and grab them, before they get ran over, but luckily I’ve never had to do that.

Usually when a parent sees me, they grab their kid, which is the outcome that I want. If they don’t like me, it ain’t my problem. I’d rather do that, then have on my head, that an innocent kid gets ran over because they have a parent who can’t look away from their smartphones and that I didn’t do anything.

As I have enough bad things that I’ve blogged about, to feel bad about myself for, which are justified. Doing what I do, stated above, isn’t one of them.

I will write a separate blog on public safety, another time. Because I’m digressing, but it’s worth the digression, to put on here, what NOT to do when one is harassed by someone with barriers but have inappropriate behaviors that could be a safety threat to someone.

BUT this is the point I’m trying to make. As this blog isn’t about ME. It’s about what I see that our first responders, being police, fire and HCMC paramedics, I’m overly observant in what I see they are up against, everytime I leave my home, which is necessary to try and not become a victim of some sort. Whether it’s someone who has violent tendancies or someone who is behind the wheel and is texting and driving.

And again, I’m not trying to disrespect or degrade the residents or the city of Minneapolis, that’s not my intent, either.

There is no profession, other than being a peace officer, where we expect them to not make a mistake in judgement, even though we expect them to risk their lives EVERY SINGLE DAY, to protect ours.

And the STIGMATIZATION of all law enforcement now, especially in Minneapolis, I find nothing short of horrifying.

Even doctors, have much more leeway, when their actions, lead to a death, in not being demonized than our police officers, have risk for. I’m not trying to be anti -physician, with that statement, just saying there’s an expectation of a ZERO error rate in law enforcement, when in our  society really don’t have that expectation on ANY OTHER profession, other than medicine, and  physicians aren’t up against the safety issues that police officers are up against.

Well, sort of. As in the case of physicians and staff , at our local major medical centers like Hennepin County Medical Center, Fairview Medical Center and Abbott Northwestern have both security and police presence to protect patients providers, staff and visitors.

Which sadly, is definitely needed.

12 days ago, there was a gas explosion at Minnehaha Academy, that sadly left 2 fatalities. That also made national headlines.

What didn’t make headlines, of course, is our first responders who are the first to show up when tragedies like this happen and they show up EVERYDAY, in life and death situations, here on our city.

It happens to be, that since I’ve moved to Downtown Minneapolis, 4 1/2 years ago, I thank a police officer or a member of the fire department, as well as HCMC paramedics, everytime that I see one.

I also thank other officers such as when I’m in St. Paul, especially Downtown and the Midway area.

If those officers, fire department and paramedics think I’m odd, being a chubby smoking (if the encounter is outdoors) old and odd chick with unruly red hair, who is thanking them, they don’t let on.

They are always beyond gracious that someone is taking their time to show gratitude.

I’ve seen others thank first responders, too, even when out and about, so I’m not the only one.

BUT,   what I haven’t seen is anyone, other than law enforcement initiatives, like pro-leo initiatives on social media, that where members of the public, in Minneapolis is taking the time to show gratitude and acknowledge the enormous responsibility that we’ve put on our first responders and their profession now is constantly scrutinized, stigmatized and condemned (again, not necessary to bring up what I said in my trigger warning), but we have the expectation that they’ll put their lives on the line, to save ours.

And not only that, if they aren’t at risk for DYING for what they do, they are unduly burdened now, everytime they respond to a call, of potentially having civil and  criminal ramifcations.

So this wordy blog is to hopefully make it safer as well as show ENORMOUS GRATITUDE  for those of us who do feel safer because of the MPD. And MFD and HCMC paramedics. All of them who we rely on, day in and day out to protect our lives, at risk of theirs.

So I will NEVER have enough words to THANK our Minneapolis first responders, but I’ve tried my best to do that, with this blog.

The only complaint that I have, is that I wish Downtown Minneapolis, especially Downtown East (I’m not calling it, East Town, I think that’s silly) Downtown West and the Cetntral Business District, as well as the North Loop, had MORE police presence, NOT less.

I just probably  should’ve said that I wish ALL of Downtown Minneapolis, had more of a police presence, all the time.

But, I’m not apologizing for feeling safer when I see police officers around, given my circumstances, which is why this blog was so long.

I couldn’t whole heartedly thank them, the impact wouldn’t be the same, without mentioning personally what I am up against as a private citizen, as well as what I see what they’re up against, in threat to their own safety and the stigma now put upon them.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. DAY.

Note: Above reference to inital trigger warning. No need to reference any type of police misconduct. There are many places on and off the interent to do that.

This blog is being created by myself and for others who feel the same way that I do, about gratitude for our local first responders, for them to have a safe space to have their feelings acknowledged, that are outside of social media.

Where we  don’t have to face threats or untrue hurtful opinions, that we are pro-police brutality or racist, which I’m not and I know many who feel the same way, aren’t. But we don’t have a safe space on the internet, as a citizens, to express their gratitude to our Minneapolis Police, Fire and HCMC First Responders (and Minneapolis 911 operators, which I should’ve mentioned earlier).

Responses that are inappropriate for this blog, will NOT published. My response I’ll give you now, before you try. IF you think you can do a better job than a MPD officer, feel free to go to school and then, become a police officer.

Also comments that mock my writing skills as a really wordy disabled blogger will NOT published.

I’d rather try to show my gratitude for something that’s I’m so grateful for and vital to not just my safety, then to just keeping thanking police officers, fire department, 911 operators  and HCMC first responders with anonymity,  which is what I’ve done so far, but in my opinion hasn’t been enough,  and feel strongly enough to attach my identity to it.

And hopefully by saying something that shouldn’t be controversial, people can also show their gratitude for law enforcement officers, everywhere and they probably will do a better and more effective job, then I did.

But I had to try………

Additional note: I’m ALSO so grateful to Minneapolis 911 operators, who work so hard, are kind and calm, also and in such an extraordinarily charged and stressful circumstances and I should’ve thanked them better , in the above  body of the blog.

With the my disability sets, I can’t edit without adding words that would make this even more wordy and potentially comatose inducing.

I apologize for not originally giving them, their due, as well….

“It’s NOT fair/Bad Example”……

You wanna bad example??? Or examples of things NOT being fair…

I’m not writing this blog for my subscribers, it’s to respond to comments regarding my weight, where for a refreshing change, as it applies to some in the bariatric surgical community.

Versus the “fat people” hate, I’ve been getting lately…..

Here are your trigger warnings: I talk about intentional weight loss, so if that it’s a trigger or profanity, please don’t read.

HOWEVER, if you’re like some weight loss surgery peeps who like most people can’t figure out how someone almost 16 years post gastric bypass keeps off some weight (a little over half, at this point) and are confused what my 2nd bariatric surgery was, I’ll make it crystal clear and through in some proof, and I’ll hopefully I’ll NEVER have to blog about this again.

So, I’m minding my own business, today (like I do EVERYDAY) . I’ve been homebound last couple of days due to not feeling well, when I get an email regarding my gastric bypass “reversal”.

Well it was an email reaming me out by someone who had bariatric surgery around the same time that I had my reversal and was calling out me out on the fact that I have kept off some weight (at this point over 1/2 excess and regain, which by bariatric surgeons’s standards makes my gastric bypass, a SUCCESS, as the usual universal standard for bariatric surgical success, is keeping 1/2 excess weight post operatively…Heh)  and they had gained all their weight back by their 4th year post operative gastric bypass  and was looking to have a revision, even though they said they had been fairly compliant.

And had found me both on ObesityHelp.com and my Facebook page and had an issue that I could exercise and eat what I want, but that I was playing with fire, eating carte blanche and ruining my surgeon’s efforts to not only help me once, with weight but TWICE. As they didn’t believe I was reversed, but revised.

I am not saying the above with any judgement, as far as weight gain, post operatively. I know from being in the weight loss surgery communities now, for almost 16 years there is so many factors, that play into weight regain.

As well as my own experience with gaining my almost all my weight back, starting almost 7 years post gastric bypass due to psych meds.

The specifics and timetable of complications, regain and “reversal” are covered in many blogs on here.

I usually support the weight loss surgery community as a long term peer, best through OH.com. 90% of what I have to say is to help others, is received positively, including and especially from OH.com staff. The other 10% is really negative from fellow bariatric surgical peers, purposely misconstrued because I think my “reversal” status, if a bariatric patient can believe it, scares the HELL out of them, and that I get, if they are not emotional terrorists about it. Or my issues make them feel better about themselves, which makes them an emotional terrorist, picking on me, for no reasons.

While I support people who’ve had complications and/or reversals , through my blog, Facebook and OH.com, OH.com allows me to give advice when people ask for it, as a long term peer, even when they didn’t have complications, but the many different life adjustments that happen life long post weight loss surgery.

And UNLIKE most of my peers who’ve had nearly life ending and life ruining complications, I’m weight loss surgery positive, with ALL the weight loss surgeries, including gastric bypass.

Because while I know people who’ve died waiting for a serious medical intervention for bariatric surgical complications, I also know people who died for weight related health reasons who died WANTING, more than anything, bariatric surgery.

This is what I don’t understand. NO ONE is forced at gunpoint to read ANYTHING I write on the internet.

I go out of my way, for free, given all this free time I now have, that I NEVER asked for, due to multiple complex medical, mental and cognitive disabilities, to try and help people, the majority of time I’m on the internet.

I admit, I wasn’t perfectly compliant. I was a moderate smoker, at the time of my gastric bypass, who NEVER quit. That’s it. I didn’t drink alcohol, I take/took my vitamins, ate with compliance and exercised.

I didn’t ask for a gastric bypass reversal, which is what I had. I had to have one to save my life and to maintain what little life that I would have, should I live through my complications, should the reversal work.

And guess what??? The only thing that is not even guaranteed, is that one will most likely live through their reversal vs. die from their complications. Or have somewhat of a better health outcome, because no one goes into bariatric surgery either thinking they will have complications or weight of a starving person, or in my case, where I was heavier than most people reversed, the labs of a starving person, multiple complications and a primary reason for reversal was so I didn’t internally bleed to death.

And before any weight loss surgery peeps blame me as a smoker, while I don’t advise smoking, I know people who smoked a lot and drank a lot and never had a G.I. bleed.

I don’t go to anyone’s spaces on the internet, tell them what they are doing wrong with their life, how they should look, behave and weigh.

All I’m asking is for the same fucking courtesy…..

You wanna know what’s not fair, as it applies to me, as well as my family, is that I was compliant.

That I should’ve been known as a bariatric specializing Certified Personal Trainer and successful small business owner who was a mother of 2 and loves her kids more than anything.

Not the trainwreck that my life became post gastric bypass, epic nervous breakdown and suicide attempt in 2008, that makes me NOW, known as the wordy reversed chick.

I will try to help almost anyone, with anything I can, as far as my time, to help, restricted to online.

But please don’t be a bariatric surgical peep telling me that life post operatively from a gastric bypass perspective, was fucking more fair to me, it was NOT. Even though I’ve heard stories and supported people who had it worse than me, and if they lived, they don’t go around telling others how unfair it was, compared to other bariatric surgical outcomes that didn’t have complications. Or people who had not as many major ones.

Not to mention those who did die from their complications.

Not all reversed gastric bypass peeps can eat like I can. And guess what, I can’t eat carte blanche, but I can eat somewhat normally, after almost 7 years post reversal and that I’m grateful for.

And am not going to apologize for that. Or living the little life that I have, without micromanaging my weight and what I eat, for the rest of my life.

My bariatric surgeon in early 2010, during my 1st hospitalization of that year, when I was begging for a revision, wouldn’t revise me, due to the extent of my complications. 6 months later when he brought a reversal to save my life, he made it clear, that was my only choice to live and while he never made one negative comment about my weight (as he understood meds played into my enormous regain, without being able to eat much or keep down what I ate, due to those bleeding ulcers).

As well he NEVER suggested any type of non surgical weight loss treatment, but did it make it clear, that if I’d gain a lot of weight, I’d most likely be ineligible for ANY of the bariatric surgeries, regardless of how much I weighed (if I’d become morbidly to supermorbidly obese) or if I’d develop co-morbids, but I was more at risk for dying due to how I responded to a perfectly performed rny.

So that’s why I make some effort to keep some of my  weight off. And don’t feel like I failed the world at large or the bariatric surgical community that I’m not thin, any longer.

I’m really fucking sick of having to explain all of this. Over and over again.

And of all of the judgement people have NO problem throwing my way.

I get that there are people out there, who have to I guess blame, bully and bother complete strangers that NO ONE is forcing them to pay attention, to.

I’m not even fucking asking, for people to pay attention to me.

IF you really care about what’s unfair, how about kids who get cancer and killed in schools??? Or about both children and adults who lose loved ones due to illness, accidents, injury??? Which is what I’m kind of really stressing out about, mostly. Among other things. I live 2 blocks away from a level 1 trauma center, which I hear the sirens all the time.

And here in Minneapolis today, an innocent person died due to being at work and people were injured when a school had a gas explosion. And it feels worse to even have to think that if that gas explosion occurred 6 weeks from now, it would’ve been catastrophic.

So hopefully that clears up how I feel about people having no problem harassing me, in this case about my gastric bypass reversal but trying and being able to keep some weight off.

And if you don’t believe I had a reversal, here you go:

There’s no coding for gastric bypass reversals. The above should tell you anyone, even though it’s really none of their fucking business, and certainly not to judge, if discredit, my medical history, that I’ve only been forthcoming about my medical and mental health issues to help others.

Although if you’re going to do something so shitty, like others do to me about my reversal and regain/keeping some weight off issues, better to do it to me, than to someone who’s possibly in both medical and mental health crisis and you could seriously emotionally harm.

I’ve lived through enough shit that while I don’t love all the inaccurate assumptions about my life and life choices, I’ll be okay.

Someone else, though, may NOT be. Knock this kind of shit, off……

Seriously!!! For those who do this kind of crap, shame on you!!!

Note:  You can’t defend the hate and hurtful comments that I and others like me, receive in these instances. Don’t even try. The only reason why this is being blogged is that I’ve gotten enough crap about all aspects of my weight and bariatric surgical outcome and I”m really fucking sick and tired of it.

And have a right to defend myself and others like me, who may not have a voice……

And if for whatever reason, people can’t see how toxic they are, when they tell people who didn’t ask them for input, about why someone, post operatively is able to keep weight off, when they can’t, feel free to ENJOY(for the wrong reasons)/RESENT/THINK I’M THE UGLIEST WOMAN WHO’S UNFORTUATELY FOR YOU STILL ALIVE of the pics of me living my life and what I look like to being okay looking to horrifically sick, when it’s been HELL to life when it was great, but at least I’m ALIVE (pics, at all different weights in the last 2 1/2 decades), in my previous blog, that was meant for those who hate on me, cause I’m too fat….

Also note, when a blog that I really shouldn’t have had to write, requires me, to go into my medical records and it’s something that’s painful for me (also discussed in many other blogs) for an hour to hunt “proof” of having a gastric bypass reversal, I had to edit blog within 90 minutes of publishing, for clarification of intent….

Picture Palooza (for my haters) …..

Unbelievable!!! Of just how much HATE I get for what I weigh and what I look like…

I can’t figure out for sure, if I’m getting out, of what I put in the digital universe, as far as hate on me for what I look like and what I weigh at times (which fluctuates, wildly both in what I look like and what I weigh.

I will NEVER understand how people hate on others, not before the digital age and certainly now while in it.

For people who like me for what I try to do to dispel stigma or like me, because I’m like a human being who wears a metaphoric “hair shirt” on the internet for free, so people might benefit from things I at times, learn the hardest way possible, I’m not looking for compliments, and I appreciate your support.

I hope I NEVER have to do something like this again, this IS pathetic (not me, MY HATERS!!!)

Where to find me:

Facebook-   Lisa Kasen Facebook profile is public, not dumb enough to allow non Facebook buds to be able to comment on posts…

Twitter-   UnstapledLisa

Instagram-  unstapledlisa

ObesityHelp/oh.com- LisaK/UnstapledLisa

Bariatric Pal-  Lisa Kasen/UnstapledLisa

Pinterest- unstapledlisa

LinkedIn: Lisa Kasen

I could only wish that people would find me, because they had good intentions, but whether intentions are good or bad, I’m rarely on social media!!!

 

 

 

 

in the end it really did matter…….

Trigger Warnings: In this blog, I write both seriously as an activist for suicide prevention and awareness, as well as trying to support loved ones who lost loved ones to suicide. Which in addition elaborating on what it takes sometimes, to manage  my own mental health issues. As well as what I go through with my own particular mental health issues.

The point I’m trying to make, is I will ALWAYS recommend that people in crisis get help from a clinically trained professional, in acute care facility, if necessary.

Which a lot of times, it is NECESSARY.

But knowing I’m probably the last person to be willing to do that, I put these blogs out there, hopefully to help those who it may benefit, who may be in serious emotional distress and are at risk of their depression being fatal and for those who lost loved ones and are in despair and/or heartbroken, at the loss of their loved ones. And it has helped people.

However, the last thing I want to do is trigger anyone, if topics such as suicide (from a patient and activist perspective)  are a trigger, please don’t read.

**********************************************************************************

“it starts with why

it doesn’t even matter how hard you try

its so unreal

even though I tried it all fell apart

all i know

it doesn’t even matter how hard you tried

I had to fall to lose it all

in the end it doesn’t even matter

what it meant to me  will eventually be a memory

I tried so hard and got so far

but in the end it doesn’t even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

but in the end it doesn’t even matter

“In The End” -Linkin Park
(disorganization of lyrics partially mentioned intentional/no copyright infringement intended) ”

Taking a deep breath, because I really don’t want to write this blog, but hoping that it helps someone.

It happens to be, as more time goes by post suicide attempt in August of 2008, my old life both before, during that time and after it, to present time, doesn’t get to be anymore closer of being a  distant memory.

It happened to be, and it’s not something I’ve blogged about, that while I have multiple blogs talking about my “one and only” suicide attempt and the consequences of it, I have not talked about, that I would’ve probably made my attempt, 3 months earlier, is that because I had someone I love dearly, someone I can’t identify, who was potentially suicidal.

So I had to bizarrely, get them the help they needed to be strong enough to not die of their depression, even though my own life for me was so physically and emotionally unbearable, that I knew and could only hold on for as long as I did, knowing that my pain would eventually end, once they were stabilized and in my misguided thinking at the time, that everyone I loved the most, including that loved one (who did extremely well after intensive professional help) , would be better off without me.

I realize how messed up that is. Now. And for the last 8 1/2 years. And I’ll make my point and I’m going to admit somethings in hopes of helping other people, that I’d rather not be admitting, but if it helps someone in crisis and/or in despair, it will be worth sharing it.

It happened to be on Thursday morning, which I was debating on purchasing Linkin Park concert tickets, for that above mentioned loved one and I, for the concert that was scheduled in St. Paul, on August 15th, which would’ve been 3 days after the 9th anniversary of my suicide attempt, when a few hours later, it went viral that Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, had died the same way his friend Chris Cornell did 2 months prior, by suicide, which my loved one took really hard.

Part of the reason why that loved one took both deaths so hard was the fact that I did try to commit suicide, 9 years ago. And Linkin Park and Soundgarden was music they used to cope with, as they saw me medically and mentally disintegrate.

I related more to Linkin Park, during that period of time in my life, during my deepest depression that led to my suicide attempt. While it wouldn’t be something I’d be comfortable sharing, normally, I am now, plus a few other things, in hopes of those who are suicidal and to help those who lost a loved one, because the song “In The End”, was a song that help me identify why I felt suicidal, I did try so hard and in the end I thought it didn’t matter, nor did I think my life or myself did, feeling such a feeling of failure and being in such unbearable medical and mental health pain for as long as I was.

The main thing I’ve learned as an activist of sorts, is that not everyone can be saved, that their depression is going to be fatal to them, when it comes to suicide prevention and/or awareness. It’s not anymore of a choice to them, then having an incurable fatal “medical” disease versus mental health.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not dedicated to trying to be an activist for suicide prevention and awareness.

IF I’m to be truthful, I’ve been suicidal since my suicide attempt in 2008. The only difference between why I am alive now, versus thinking my life and everyone’s life that I know and love the most will be okay, if I died,  is that I know at least in the last 7 1/2 years, that I’ve managed to stay alive even with medical near life ending crises, is that the people I love the most, will NOT be okay, if I die from my depression issues.

And it’s a very mixed blessing that I realize that the only thing I can do for my children and my family is not die from mental health issues, I can’t really do more than that.

And sadly, that’s really they only expectation they have of me, at this point.

For me to have any quality of life, though and this is what I realize, because I know better than to think that people who commit suicide, don’t know or care about their loved ones or they are selfish, which they aren’t.

There’s been a lot of discussion since Chris Cornell’s  and Chester Bennington’s deaths which would suggest otherwise. They had kids, didn’t they care enough about their loved ones, to get help or get better????

PLEASE don’t make that assumption or give that impression, as that ONLY  stigmatizes suicide and mental health and it doesn’t help those of us who have depression and/or other mental health issues that can be fatal and it doesn’t help the loved ones, they/we leave behind, for those who die this way. Or who tried to, in the past.

It’s making a hurtful and horrible impression that if we loved our loved ones, enough we’d find a way to stay alive. And not ever contemplate, let alone attempt suicide, which only hurts people, it doesn’t help anyone.

A lot of people will  NEVER understand the multiple and multifaceted reasons that play into deaths due to suicide, but if you wouldn’t tell someone who’s dying of any other disease, that they should get better because of those who they will leave behind, please DON’T for a second, make that impression on someone who’s mourning the loss of a loved one due to their depression being fatal to them and/or those who’s depression is at risk for being fatal to them.

As much as I’d love to say, it’s a wonderful miracle that I’m still alive, it doesn’t feel that way, most of the time. I’m not saying that my life is worse than it was from 2006 to 2011, but it’s not amazing, either.

While I can give myself some credit for having to survive some crappy things, and by sharing them, with this blog, as it has helped some people, I realize that people have been through much worse and handled it better and sometimes that makes me feel really bad about myself, especially as it applies to myself as a mother, who loves my kids more than anything.

For me to have any quality of life, though, and it what helps my depression and mental health issues not be fatal for me, I’ve had to realize that I have to care about myself for myself.

My love for others, as much as I wish it was different, cannot be the only reason why I’m still alive and that I make the attempt to have any quality of life, which does help, especially in cases, where peace of mind for those of us who have limited amounts of that, is so sporadic.

What saved my life post suicide attempt, when in mental health crisis, but not in medical crisis, status post “one and only suicide attempt” in 2008, is that I have the luxury of not doing ANYTHING when in crisis.

Meaning I don’t have to deal with people like most people do. I live by myself and can sometimes take life one hour at a time, which is my deal with myself when in crisis. It also helps me in a non judgemental way of trying to be kinder to myself, of having mental health issues and realizing that I’m doing the best I can and I can usually realize  1/2 the time am grateful for the things I’ve been able to experience because I’ve managed to live this long and try to concentrate on that, when on days, it seems like more of a curse.

I’m not medicated for my mental health issues, either. For the last 7 1/2 years. Both my long term PCP and my former psychiatrist saw that the severity of side effects are not worth the risks, especially since the therapeutic benefit is minimal at best with most psychotropics for me. And I don’t just get severe side effects from mental health meds, but meds in all therapy classes, so it’s not a manifestation of my mental health, that those meds don’t work, it’s an unfortunate medical fact about me, that my own clinical professionals also acknowledge.

It’s not an ideal though way to live for those of us who have a host of depression, mood and personality disorders. Nor is my being total hypocrite when it comes to not seeking clinically trained professional help, any longer even though I still struggle.

I realize some of the irrationalities of my thought processes. I know not every clinically trained professional is going to treat me like an unstable drug seeking hypochondriac who’s also seeking attention, but enough have. And I’m grateful that I have one long term amazing PCP who does a unique patient tailored approach to my care, which I wish other providers would do the same.

And while it’s working for me, it doesn’t work for most people, though. And if I’m to be truthful, I can only try my hardest, I can’t guarantee that no therapy and no meds and a love of my family is going to guarantee that I won’t ever need intensive help that I’m not so quick to get and the irrationality of that. However my first blog on WordPress, where I found myself in a system, that I couldn’t get out of, I think plays a large part of my trying to find some balance and meaning to my life on my own, as well as all the time I have. But it’s not ideal.

So I cannot overstate the importance of not only seeking out clinically trained medical and mental health professionals and realizing that if you don’t find one who is helping you, that you hold on, until you find the help that is right for you that gives you the chance of lessoning, if not eliminating the risks of your mental health issues being fatal to you.

And what that may require evaluation and treatment in potential combinations of inpatient and outpatient care and trying to find different medications, if current medication regimens aren’t working, to find the right combination of clinically trained professionals and/or therapy medications that will work.

And professional help can help those who lost loved ones where it doesn’t become a risk for their depression being fatal to them, as well.

I can only hope that we lose the stigma of mental health issues once and for all, so that people can be in their best health. And what that looks like, is just as unique as we all are.

But we can’t do that without removing stigma and judgement from mental health issues. As well as having more options for evaluation and treatment both in pharmaceutical and non pharmaceuticals treatment therapy options.

I wrote this blog, in hopes that people will try to get past stigmatizing suicide, to provide support for those who’ve lost (or nearly lost) loved ones due to suicide and/or accidentally died due to overdoses. And tried to help by sharing what is working for me, when in crisis, even though I realize it’s unconventional and that it may not work for most people, depending on what they feel their options are, which are obviously not many depending on the severity of a depressive episode and/or other mental and/or medical health issues.

But again, I’m not a clinically trained provider. I only know what I do about so many of these issues by either personal experience or those who I’ve helped personally since 2010 via social media, and in almost the 4 years that I’ve been blogging.

But I do believe that clinically trained professional help is best. But I also understand better than anyone (as I’ve discussed on multiple occasions the bias I face when seeking medical attention) why some cases, such as the bias I’ve experienced, that in my case it causes more duress than it alleviates.

Links for Suicide Awareness, Prevention and support for survivors:

http://www.nami.org
http://www.befrienders.org
http://www.save.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Note: I would’ve wrote this blog sooner, but I’ve had technical issues that make blogging almost impossible at times with having internet and device issues.

I was able to edit blog on 7-28-2017 with links that can hopefully help.

Also same rules apply, judgemental or non constructive responses will not be published. I’m okay with a difference in opinion, if shared respectfully and mindfully. Thanks!!!!!