Important Disclaimers: This blog will be combination of both personal and to achieve an activism goal. I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety.
If you or someone you know is in medical or mental health crisis, at danger of hurting one’s self or another, please seek acute professional in person help in a proper facility or contact 911 and/or emergency services in your country (half my readers aren’t in North America). Thanks.
“If you want something done, give it to a busy person…” -My Mother
I haven’t blogged for awhile.
The one thing I’m NEVER now in the last 11 years is busy.
Doesn’t mean I am still not doing some kind of work with my advocacy in situations that are life and death for someone like I do with my blog and those who are in crisis medically and or mentally due to gastric bypass issues, because I still am doing that.
But I am profoundly sad in a lot of ways, even though I know how lucky I am.
My maternal grandfather passed away exactly 50 years ago, today.
My Mother who was 21 and pregnant at the time with me and both my parents who had in common that they were the 4th and final children of mothers who had them in their early 40s.
On both sides of my family, maternally and paternally my grandparents and those before them and since, raised productive positive good loving people with good intentions.
Obviously, I’m somewhat of an anomaly, other than I haven’t been in really any legal trouble, when I worked, I worked. I was what I was until I wasn’t, as far as being a loving present never married single mother.
I’ve tried to explain the best I can and will continue to do so, as long as it’s constructive to myself, those I love the most and others whether they have or may not have the words or ability to identify how they feel when living and or nearly dying from an unprecedented, interrupting/interrupted and inconvenient life circumstances to ourselves and others lives.
It would probably surprise most people for someone in my case, where I identify as a medical, mental health and suicide prevention activist that I don’t personally think about much life or death with all this time I never expected to have.
However, I think about my legacy, a lot.
I think what I want for those I love the most, personally.
I think about what I want for human beings, as an activist and am able to act on it more, as far as being a blogger activist is concerned.
I could be okay with my legacy being the wordy reversed chick with medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities who tried to make sure what was the most painful and life changing about my issues that had consequences for others, wasn’t in vain, if I wasn’t a mother and a daughter who did that.
I don’t cry very often.
But I did early this morning, cry while thinking of my Mom who’s had to spend most of her adult life without her father, as my maternal grandmother died at the age of 98, who’s spent her whole life while people are alive and when they are gone, of doing the right thing by them and having to have an adult daughter who faltered the way I did.
I cried for my son and my daughter in law, her mother and my potential in the future grandchildren ,as my daughter in law’s mom passed due metastatic breast cancer, a little a month after her 49th birthday, 8 1/2 months ago and she was a wonderful mother, mother in law, sister, daughter, aunt and friend and she would’ve been an amazing grandmother to grandchildren that she never got to live to see and positively love on them.
I cried for my son and daughter who do have a mother who’s still living but has had to apologize for bad things I did and good things that they deserved that I never did or could not continue doing.
And while my ability to articulate that to them, as well as others who are complete strangers helps the strangers to them, more than it helps the ones I love the most, is a mixed blessing.
I’ve talked more the little I’m on social media about my advanced health care directive and having a DNR/DNI request and a body bequeathment to the hospital I had my gastric bypass and reversal and that I will talk more about on here, in the future.
I think more conversation needs to happen about personal life and death wishes and/or requests that aren’t rooted in suicidal ideation, addiction, extreme adversity and/or mental health in our society.
I’m not digressing.
Legacy is literally about what you leave to others.
I don’t want to have a non, bad or long life.
It’s bad enough I’ve really have never finished anything I’ve started.
I don’t want to have an irrevocable bad legacy that does absolutely nothing positive for the ones I love the most now and the ones they will love in the future, who I would’ve loved had I been here, without me being here to see it or positively affect.
I guess while I try to figure out what I can realistically do for those I love and what I’m going to leave them with , I can try and start a discussion and safe place for people who think about legacy, that is and isn’t monetary or in my case isn’t even tangible.
Anyways, this is my musings about life, love and legacy.
Feel free to share yours, if you want.
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not be reduced by them”- Maya Angelou
Note: Nothing NOT constructive will be published.
Blog being published while it’s still the July 13th, 2019 here in the United States.
(Reposting/Reblogging, exactly one year after original publication, as I made some small but important edits and it’s one of the top 5 blogs of mine that’s read of all time in the almost 6 years I’ve been blogging about Suicide Prevention)
Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical or mental health issues. I will always urge someone if they or someone they love is capable of hurting and/or killing themselves or others, to seek immediate professional help in appropriate acute facility or call 911 or emergency services in your country of residence.
***
Because of the type of activism I do, when people talk about those who they love who’s depression was fatal to them, the hardest answer I have to give (see above disclaimer) as a non professional, is when they tell me that the loved one did that and there were no clear cut signs.
In fact, they seemed happy or at peace.
I’m not the only mental health activist I’m sure to point one tragically heartbreaking thing to admit, to those who’ve never struggled with suicidal ideation, can’t comprehend.
If someone you love or care a lot about, has been struggling with severe depression and even regardless if they’re on medications and have been evaluated and are actively seeking treatment, is still struggling and then all of a sudden, they seem so much better, one of the most hard things to understand is that they can APPEAR to be doing okay, if not great.
That happens because for some and some people between illness and depending on how much suffering they are going through and how well they hide it are happy, not because they are getting help, but because they’ve decided to end their suffering, once and for all.
(Important Note: I’m going to stop here, on purpose, I had written the above, YESTERDAY and had felt this was going to get too wordy, when I woke up this morning, I found out that another celebrity this week, had died by suicide.
The sad irony is, this blog I only attempted to start writing yesterday, after seeing a psychologist interviewed on CNN where she discussed missed signs of the suicidal, but didn’t address this one. I’m in NO WAY discounting the importance of clinically trained professional help or input. And CNN did do a better job of suicide awareness on their website today, due to a loss of an admired contributor of theirs today, due to suicide)
What again, is that sign???
The person seemed HAPPY.
People who are balanced and genuinely happy, their depression doesn’t become fatal for them, at least at risk of it being caused by their own despair and then their own action that leads to their death.
The bizarre phenomena of why people miss this in suicidal loved ones who don’t want anyone to know that they’re suicidal, is because they mistake relief for happiness.
Or sadly and it’s hard to explain to those who aren’t or haven’t ever been suicidal, they ARE actually happy, because they know their suffering is going to end, because they’ve specifically made a plan and usually means and a date and they are relieved, if not overjoyed to know their suffering is going to end.
It’s also compounded with the trickiness of even the most mentally balanced person who still suffers mental illness and/or from severe depression and anxiety, of NOT wanting having to hear of all the reasons why it’s NOT okay to take their life/die from suicide/depression being fatal to them and they go out of their way to show their doing okay, if not great, because they either in lapse of ration of their own wellbeing and don’t want to hear it and/or people don’t know how to help them, so they don’t ask because they don’t know how or what to say, if they’re in trouble and they’re too afraid of the potential ramifications should they be honest of how devastatingly depressed and devoid of hope that they are experiencing.
And again, while no one is to blame if someone’s depression is deadly to themselves, if they’ve heard another, say “suicide is the easy way out” or anything that could cause further depression and guilt, those of us who know people who feel that way, are less likely to share how much they’re unbearably hurting inside.
And the stigma is bad enough, it’s worse in people who are suicidal and are a parent, where it’s thought even more so to be the ultimate act in selfishness.
I’m not trying to make an argument for someone to die from suicide, I’m trying to explain for those who NEVER have thought about it, why some people die that way or why some of us TRIED, even though we have loved ones that we were going to leave behind.
There is a time sensitivity to this blog, as usually when there is celebrity suicides, such as what happened this week and with Robin Williams, there’s an increase in non celebrity suicide deaths.
In this case, I’m going to concentrate on just a major few of many, major factors with some people and it usually is a factor in both, when it comes to celebrities and/or high powered people or even just people from all socioeconomic factors, who die due to their depression being fatal to them.
They just lost a loved one either by death or breakup and/or have suffered some form of rejection (i.e. job loss and/or negative change (real or irrationally perceived) in social status) and they don’t get help because of stigma and/or they don’t think their suffering isn’t going to end without them dying.
I need to be clear, again, it’s no one’s fault, when people die this way, as far as death by suicide, when a relationship ends and/or any of the factors that play into their depression becoming fatal for someone.
As unfortunately some people, will not risk being exposed to any kind of psychological intervention and know how to masterfully hide their suffering and that they are at risk for their depression being fatal to to them because they absolutely cannot see any other path out of their pain.
This is a universal issue that can unfortunately anyone can and unfortunately HAS become victim to, regardless of socioeconomics, race, religion and political affiliation.
We can only try our best to continually remind those we care about we are available in good times and in bad, but sometimes we don’t miss signs, whether it be loved ones or professionals, because there wasn’t any signs to miss, no matter how hard we try to help those with life threatening depression that could be fatal to themselves, if not others as well.
Note: Anything that’s not constructive to my readers or myself, will NOT be published.
Additional Note: Blog originally published 6-8-2018
(above photo credit, me. the relevance of it, will be apparent in blog)
Important Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, or in matters of law enforcement and public safety, if you, someone you know or observe is in medical or mental health distress, please contact 911, immediately.
While I believe in above disclaimers wholeheartedly , it kind of failed on Sunday night.
I’ll explain…
***
So this last Sunday night, I’m waiting outside in front of my apartment building at 5th Avenue and 8th street, for my boyfriend to pick me up, as we had a dinner date planned at Outback in Roseville and he was on his way back after going up north for the holiday weekend.
I live 2 blocks away from HCMC and 4 blocks away from U.S. Bank Stadium.
I’d been waiting awhile, my boyfriend had hit traffic as he was coming back from a trip up north and so I made some conversation with my neighbors until they went back into our apartment building.
About 7:25 pm , I notice across the street at the Centre Village building, a man yelling, he crosses 5th Avenue between the stoplights at 8th and 7th approaches me, screaming as he slams his jacket that he’s holding in his hand on the sidewalk, a foot away and says “I’m going to fucking blow up this building.”
Then he proceeds to continue screaming at me how he hates white people and ever since 9/11, Somalis like him can’t get a job, can’t get a date and that it’s all my fault.
I’m smoking a cigarette and quietly am listening to him, I told him that I do understand him, that the City of Minneapolis between the Chief of Police, our Mayor and Representative Ilhan Omar and myself even, as I’m a writer are working on preventing anti-Islamic hate and bigotry that negatively effects the Muslim community.
So he calms down and is not yelling at me anymore. He goes from screaming to wanting to find out more about me, and while he’s doing that, I’m worried about people walking by him, that could set him off, especially when I’m looking to get away from him, as he was not only enraged, but clearly on illegal substances.
So I lie to him and say that I have to go, I’m waiting for a ride to visit a friend in ICU at North Memorial, he asks if he can stay with me and come along, I tell him it’s not possible. Then he quizzes me while demanding I sit next to him of the color of my friends, I tell him that my friend in ICU is white, as well as my friend who I’m waiting for is white.
I tell him I must go and head down 5th towards 7th street (pic above is where I was hiding behind a bus station) first I text my boyfriend NOT to come near the front of my building that there’s an emergency and then I called 911, after warning people who were standing there talking at that street corner, as well as as woman with a baby in a stroller headed in the direction of the guy, who was still sitting in front of building that the man sitting front of that building is dangerous and they need to leave the area.
Unfortunately for me, he didn’t remain in front of my building for long, I was about 100 feet away from the Sexton Building and after spotting me, he ran across the parking lot between that building and my apartment shouting my name (well, the name I gave him, which was Ali) then starts screaming at me for lying to him and he admits, that he originally was going to kill me, but thought I was different that I cared and that I wasn’t a normal white female anti-Islamic male hater.
I calmly admitted to him that I do care, that he was scaring me when he was screaming at me (and his admission that he thought about killing me, didn’t help but didn’t tell him that), and when he started repeatedly and very loudly telling me he loved me, that he wanted to know if I’d share my money, crack and ganja (the last 2 out of 3 I didn’t have) that if I wasn’t going to have sex with him, as he asked saying that would make him feel better and explained to him I didn’t have any of the other 3 things he wanted, as well as lying to him that I was on probation for drug possession and abuse and that the county repeatedly drug tested me.
Unless this has happened to someone else, I can’t explain how surreal and scary it is, to have someone who admits they wanted to kill you at first, then asks you to marry them and that fights with you about being a liar who won’t share your money, crack and weed with them, but admits that they still love you anyways and that person is a violent unstable stranger, who’s not in his right mind that fueled further by illegal substances .
This is the deal though, if he had to confront any white woman with the intention of killing them, I’m GLAD he picked me. I’ve lived in Downtown Minneapolis long enough, I get harassed for sex, drugs and money all the time.
I know better than to get an attitude.
Which no one should ever do, especially in my case, I didn’t have a weapon, nor would I ever even try to get a permit and a gun.
And I wasn’t even in the wrong place at the wrong time, I was in front of my apartment building where going back in it, I wasn’t going to risk, because he would’ve forced his way into it, making him also a threat to my building and my neighbors.
After his second confrontation when I kindly said there was NOTHING I could do to help him but that I wish him well, he FINALLY decided to leave me in peace because he understood at least that I was scared by him and I was sincere in acknowledging that I was sorry about his experience with hate.
That 2nd confrontation lasted about 8 minutes, by then my boyfriend pulled up at 5th and 7th, I quickly hopped in his SUV, made him roll up the windows, briefly pointed out as that guy was fighting by then with some guy in front of the construction build for the new Thrivent HQ, a block away from my apartment building further on 5th when we drove by them and I was absolutely shaking.
I had thought about calling 911, a 2nd time to tell them he moved a block further down 5th but felt I had given such a good description, that they would find him and didn’t want to be nuisance, now in the last 36 hours, I feel horrible that I never called 911 back to tell them he moved a block further down.
So I come home several hours later after going to dinner which I couldn’t eat, I mention my experience on Facebook, I call the non emergency phone number for the police, where the lady who answered said officers responded at the time, but that he wasn’t there.
I love our Minneapolis first responders, whether it be police, fire and HCMC EMS and 911.
But they didn’t respond to my call right away and I had told the 911 operator the location was of my apartment building, outside a man was making a terroristic threat and that I was calling from the corner of 5th Avenue and 7th Street, as I was trying to get away from him and prevent anyone else from walking by him, as well.
And this is what haunts me, personally, as I’m a larger not attractive woman who smokes cigarettes, that while I described him, I never described myself, what if they did see him, the 2nd time he approached me, where I was a half a block away from the address I gave the 911 operator and thought it was a non violent domestic discussion of sorts.
It also haunts me, what if he ended up hurting if not killing someone else.
But what I realized is, that we as a city and county (actually this needs to be done on a national and global level) if we want to have a prayer of reducing the chances of another violent incident by someone who feels like they’ve been a target of hate for so long, that feeling of rejection and rage escalates to someone wanting deadly revenge that we have to figure out how to reach out to those individuals to break the cycle.
I’ve been trying to achieve this as an activist and blogger for violent crime prevention for YEARS.
So maybe what I said, but was lying about city and state initiatives that involve our MPD, Mayor, Minneapolis City Council and with help from Rep. Ilhan Omar regarding anti-Islamic hate , as well as I’m willing to help and help from top psychological and chemical dependency specialists could and actually should be created, to help those who are at risk due to constant rejection, of helping reducing the escalation of rage that leads to potentially deadly harm as a form of revenge.
AS, I came this close, 2 days ago, to becoming a news story, myself and having an obituary written about my death, if it wasn’t for the fact that I have a skill set that’s good when working with people who ARE violent and/or severely mentally ill and in crisis and I don’t discount that in this case, I also was very lucky.
While I can only hope that his confrontation with me, was enough to spare someone else from potential violence, if not deadly harm.
But hoping isn’t enough, what happened to that little boy at Mall of America will happen again, what happened to me, will happen again but escalate to a tragedy and maybe we won’t be able to prevent all of these tragedies, it will be worth it, if we can prevent at least some of them.
Note: Anything that’s not constructive will not published. I find any kind of anti-Islamic and anti-semetic hate actually any kind of hate based upon appearances, religion, political affiliation, socioeconomics, weight and ideologies, revolting.
Important Disclaimers: WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS???
Nope… The above is an unfinished, crappy and nonsensical disclaimer.
I’m going to try again.
Important Disclaimers: I’m an ASBMS and ABMS board certified bariatric surgeon and also a licensed attorney specializing in tort law, where I concurrently hold licenses to practice medicine and law in CA, MA, MD and MN.
Graduated high school at the age of 12, 1st in class at Harvard Law, 2nd at Harvard Medical School (which I had to sue, to block public access to my academic records and the age that I achieved them), surgical residency John Hopkins and employed as a physician at Mayo Clinic, while on sabbatical, as I just finished up my residency at Stanford, in Neuropsychopharmacology.
I believe though that patients and clients need both in person evaluation and plan of action by a licensed practitioner who oversees them in person…
Okay… Above 2nd attempt at disclaimer and CV is PURE fiction.
And was WAY more FUN to write!!!
As well as real life human stuff, as heartbreaking to write about, is way more interesting, at least to me, especially given the fact I’m doing this for free, but when I help be a part of saving someone’s life, that’s the reward.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor in public safety or law enforcement. IF you or someone you know is in medical and/or mental health crisis, please seek immediate help in an appropriate facility by an appropriate credentialed expert and/or contact emergency services.
Alright, 3rd attempt I got out what I needed to.
Now, I can start this blog.
YAY!!!
NO, not really!!!
It kind of sucks, that the activism that I’m good at, that my attempt to arrest bias and bigotry which can be deadly to someone, is like trying to empty out the ocean with a freaking thimble.
***
“Not many people would have the guts to admit that they would rather be PRETTY than HEALTHY… “- the awesome fictional Dr. Gregory House- from t.v. show House M.D. Season 5 Episode 10 “Let Her Cake”.
“All I need to start with, is patients who are ALIVE, in my specialty of medicine, and by the time my patients find me, they’ve already been quite medically and mentally compromised by medical interventions that were meant to help save their lives, if not make them much better off in quality of life, both physically and mentally.
And if that medical intervention failed them and most of the time, a ton of psychological duress, circumstantial trauma that proceed interventions that usually led to their obesity, and/or continue on after them and most of my patients due to stigma and how people have no idea of how pervasive and damaging Obesity bigotry and bias REALLY is, but horrifically still quite awfully, still so acceptable, unless they’ve suffered it, that the suffering by post bariatric surgical patients, in dire circumstances, pales against it.
AGAIN, even in bariatric surgical patients who had the most catastrophic bariatric surgical complications.
BECAUSE, no one wants to hear how Obesity bias, even by the most well intentioned person, whether they be a physician, family member or friend, can be soul crushing in certain circumstances and in others, such as in my specialty can be deadly to a patient, if not then cause them irreversible physical and psychological harm. ” ajk/UnstapledLisa
If you think so far, this blog is a wordy nonsensical trainwreck, like I am, think again.
Most people if they choose to do activism, especially medical, where to the degree that I am, that I am trying to help save people’s lives, they had to fight an enormous medical (and usually mental health) battle by the time they find me.
The reason why I posted above House M.D. clip, is that it highlights some of the biggest obstacles that I face when I help people when dealing with the medical and psychological ramifications of serious, potentially life threatening bariatric surgical complications.
It also in the worst way possible, shows why I will never NOT be supportive of a bariatric surgical intervention, as a last resort.
I get that House M.D. , is a fictional medical drama that’s meant to entertain.
Unfortunately, there’s quite a few of us, who have in common in the episode, with the character Emmy, where we’ve been told that we need a gastric bypass reversal to save our lives or dramatically improve it.
And while like Emmy, I found exercise to be a great thing for me, as I found I got endorphin highs with intense exercise, thought I could help others with their medical and mental health find some kind of exercise could help people and that’s why I got my certification, as a personal trainer, 14 years ago, that’s all that I have in common with her.
As in my case, by the time I was told by my surgeon who suggested a gastric bypass reversal was necessary to save my life, I was ready to die and I’ve touched upon where I was medically and mentally in 2010, at the time of my reversal and will blog update how I am doing almost 9 years status post gastric bypass reversal, shortly.
But not today.
This is the deal though, in most cases, it won’t help a bariatric surgical patient who had a long term positive outcome or even a person who’s bigger, who would never have bariatric surgery watch the video.
And it will be soul crushing for anyone who’s sensitive to fat shaming and thin shaming to watch the video and read the comments on You Tube.
And this is where we are as a society, as I know full well both personally and professionally of how damaging, if not deadly the pervasiveness of fat shaming can be to anyone, but especially when someone is already in medical and/or mental health crisis after a surgical intervention for Obesity went wrong and they find either my blog or me on the internet.
Because I am to an extent, practicing both medicine and psychology without formal training and licensing, while I consider people like that, “my patients” , in the way it matters the most (to help save their lives and I don’t tell them I think of them as patients, except now you all know) , I also ask of them to be under the care of physicians, surgeons and mental health clinicians, which usually by medical crisis alone, they are.
As while I can help them navigate the unchartered experience they are having, but I don’t have the experience to have their lives soley in my hands, I don’t have the right to do that to anyone (nor do they have the right to do that to me, as it’s a enormous responsibility), no matter how well intentioned I am, no matter how high the standards I have for their lives and care.
The above paragraph would be in direct violation ethically of everything that I try to stand for as an activist and someone who wants a clear division, as physicians, surgeons, psychiatrists, psychologists and/or all or any kind of licensed/credentialed professionals who have extensive education, training before they treat patients, is what a patient in medical and mental health crisis, bariatric related or not, needs the most .
Here comes the BUT why I still do it anyways (online ONLY and with major warnings about my limitations, by not only being NOT a clinical professional but that they will need care and support from their families, friends and the reversal community that’s now online but wasn’t when I had my reversal, as well as a professional credentialed care team of physicians, surgeons and possibly psychiatrists and psychologists) :
After dozens of times of having gastric bypass (most of them, a few of had bpd/ds, vsg, adjust lap gastric band and open non adj gastric banding) patients tell me they have major complications and their labs are in the toilet, find me because they have no quality of life or think they are going to die and their bariatric surgeon won’t perform a reversal.
Even if they have other physicians in their care team suggesting it.
Because their surgeons are afraid of them getting fat again, in physician/surgeon speak “great concern of the co-morbdities Obesity becoming a factor in declining health”.
OR
Patients who find me, where their experiencing potential life ending medical complications and want to know my reversal experience and have no problem admitting they are terrified of getting fat again.
Remember, where I said at the beginning of this blog, about 1000 words ago, I need “my patients” to be alive???
There’s only a few of us, I’m guessing, I’m really the ONLY person I know, on the internet, who’s discussing in great detail, the medical and psychological ramifications of gastric bypass complications and reversals.
There’s others, but only a few, who blog and vlog about their gastric bypass complications and/or their reversals.
The House M.D. video, could really hurt someone, if they are researching gastric bypass reversals and see the video and/or the hateful comments directed at fat people and bariatric surgical patients, if they find that video first without finding support that exists, first.
I’m not sorry though the video exists, it gives people a terrifying glimpse, if they care about human beings and aren’t aware of trauma that usually factors in to Obesity and Anorexia, not just in the bariatric surgical community, but outside of it. It just doesn’t tell people what led to their personal experiences prior to an intervention.
You can’t legislate or hate that away and when people are hated for appearance issues, especially when it comes it comes to bariatric surgical patients, those comments on the video, are shockingly accurate of the frequency and level of hate that people experience everywhere else on social media and online and off it, as well.
Not just from their peers and family but sometimes innocently and not so innocently licensed physicians, surgeons and psychiatrists who took an oath not to do any harm.
I shouldn’t be the only to be terrified, that a fictional diagnostic team, even with a ton of snark, in the end, handled a bariatric surgical patient in medical crisis, sometimes better than they are treated in real life.
Even in the most well intentioned people, physicians or not, who do not know how to appropriately address the complexity of emotions, as well as the complexities and medical and mental health issues, that have to be addressed in this population of people, makes it so much harder on those of us, physicians or not, who are trying to save these patients’ lives with them having the best possible short and long term outcome medically and mentally.
I’m not saying that Obesity doesn’t provide a valid reason for their to be health discussions for prevention and treatment when it happens, if a patient wants it.
But Obesity is just NEVER an acute issue in pre-operative gastric bypass reversal patients.
Note: Constructive feedback is welcomed. Please don’t waste my time or yours with not honorable intentions. Thanks!!!
Edit Note: Update on 5/25, blog needs to be overhauled, I get that it’s kind of wordy. It would be less careless for me to pull it though until it’s reworked than for me to leave it up.
Unless you’ve had to on multiple occasions have to coach a bariatric surgical patient in crisis medically (and sometimes mentally) who even after a weight loss of 200 lbs, has a bmi of 20, but that’s only because they didn’t have any reconstructive, they have a clinically trained professional in their care team, whether it be medical or mental health not show a level of compassion or actually believes that Obesity is the acute medical issue in these patients, when it’s clear that it’s not, you’d understand better why I had to go and be so hardcore, of what at stake with all this body shaming both in the bariatric surgical community or where I’m having a conversation with someone is in recovery or struggling with Anorexia who thinks everyone hates them, including fat people, which isn’t the case.
And if you haven’t done this kind of work, you wouldn’t understand just how complex it is to try and be of some kind of help to save someone’s life, in these circumstances.
Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, if you or someone you know is in crisis, please seek immediate professional help.
Also if profanity ridden rants, even to achieve an activism goal aren’t your style or if you can’t have children, you may not want to read this. Thanks!!!
***
What the FUCK is wrong with people???
Especially a certain population of people (well, in all fairness, in all communities now, they exist) people who can’t for some reason give unwanted advice that no one ever fucking asked for.
In this case, I’m talking to da Mommy Shamers/Bullyers.
Also in this case, I’m talking about moms with smartphones who’ve lost their fucking minds, in mean herd mentality , when Amy Schumer did a comedy show yesterday, a little over 2 weeks after giving birth to her first child.
The only thing I have in common with Amy Schumer, is that I’m Jewish, born in New York and had Hyperemesis Gravidarum in my pregnancies with my children, which is oddly the only thing I have in common with MY own mother, who is a much better person and parent than I was.
This is the deal of why I’m stepping into a fucking stupid fight that NO ONE invited me to.
Bullying and shaming can hurt people terribly.
It may not hurt Amy Schumer, it may not hurt me any longer, only because I learned after living most of my life being bullied from preschool to the present time, I don’t give a fuck what other people think of me.
Especially, especially, ESPECIALLY, if they don’t know me and they don’t have my best interests or that of my children, in mind.
And my children are old enough to let me know the rare times they get mad at me, to either by saying exactly what they don’t like about me and what they have to say or my parents, to me, is the only comments that will ever matter.
But, on the off chance you hurt another mother, who’s trying to navigate after a horrible scary pregnancy and into new motherhood, whether it be her first kid or her fifteenth, here are some things you may want to take into consideration before you open your mouth or type something completely not needed into the internet.
Here is the insight of my pregnancies with my children, as a single never married JEWISH mother with Hyperemesis Gravidarum who worked full time:
HRH Zachary Aaron, age 26 1/2: Worked full time during customer service at a home shopping channel that rhymes with UBD. Was about a size 20 at the time of pregnancy. My co-workers who were female and had to hear me barf my guts out during the day at work in the bathroom knew how bad it was. Others figured it out by the PICC line that I didn’t try hiding in my 2nd trimester when it was summer and I wore short sleeves (like how dare I, with the ugly fat arms and all, right?)
Had one hospitalization in my first trimester, then I got my PICC and had a home health nurse at night every other day help me and was taught how to maintain the line when I had unhook it, to try and attempt to go to work.
By the time I gave birth to him, which by then the doctor who delivered him was convinced I was going defy medical science and barf him up in my 25th hour of labor, in a 2 week period of time, I moved out of my apartment, into with my VERY Jewish parents, got laid off of my job and had a baby.
I went to see people, as about a week after I had Zach, there was a get together of employees as we were laid off suddenly, they were looking at me, like they were expecting me to be THIN. I hadn’t gained any weight during my pregnancy, but I was pregnant, I didn’t have a fucking gastric bypass and have a baby, like I did with my 2nd and youngest child.
So that brings up pregnancy #2 with HRH Zoe Arielle age 16: I’m honestly NOT complaining ANYWHERE about my own circumstances or about my children, in this rant.
I got pregnant with both of my kids who I’ve always referred to as surprise blessings, they were never a mistake with bc issues (I guess in addition to having Hyperemesis like my Mom did, I absolutely fucking HATE talking about sex on the internet, possibly due to the fact I have both parents and children on here) failing.
But, I knew how scary and physically demanding a pregnancy was, WITHOUT fucking having a newly surgically altered digestive system, as I got pregnant with Zoe, 6 1/2 months after my gastric bypass.
By then, I also was working for a different company, a fucking evil health insurance company that rhymes with Benited Wealthmare. They had already tried to fire me, when trying to have my gastric bypass. I knew a problematic pregnancy in multiple ways would be hard on me, the baby and my son, who wasn’t thrilled at the age of 9 of getting a sibling, he had stopped asking for one, around the age of 2.
I was about a size 9/10 when I got pregnant with Zoe. I had to work, as I already had one child to support, while I actively sought medical care, it was harder to take time off for pregnancy complications and my employer wasn’t great about letting me throw up in the bathroom, either.
It took an epic battle in my 3rd trimester to get more medical appointments without risk of losing employment or my baby and to be able on doctor’s orders to start my maternity leave a week early and take the full 3 months and be able to return, with a longer lunch hour so I could go visit my daughter at her daycare to try and nurse her, which I would make up for starting early.
I also with Zoe when going into labor, she was already in fetal distress when I arrived at the hospital and then I went into anaphylactic shock with my 4th epidural and both Zoe and I nearly died.
Being a completely moron on how I went into labor with Zoe, I left my windows open as it was a fairly warm day in March. In fucking Minnesota. By the time we got discharged 36 hours later, my daughter went to my parents house, during the day, who lived a mile away from now what would be Zach, Zoe and I, I went home, closed windows, turned heat way up and because I didn’t gain any weight with Zoe either, was able to fit into my fitted clothes again and my chest region was huge.
It was actually easier to nurse Zoe than it was to nurse Zach, who I had to combine both nursing and bottles and I did that right from the start with Zoe, because I didn’t want her to lose weight, as it’s IMNSHO a FED baby is best.
Formula or breast milk, you do what’s best for you and your baby and I didn’t want a baby who couldn’t adapt to feeding either way.
But holy moly, I was fairly thin for me (which I would get even thinner and then fatter without being able to eat anything both before and after gastric bypass reversal).
Especially if people saw me for the first time, after I had Zoe but before I had a gastric bypass.
While I wouldn’t (nor would any physician or surgeon) recommend getting pregnant so soon after bariatric surgery, the one thing it taught me, was that my weight was my own business.
And that I fucking absolutely hated any, all and pretty much ONLY comments about my body and my massive weight loss (and weight gain, repeat over and over again,16 years later).
Especially if my beautiful new baby and my handsome 10 year old were around.
But, if petty people would be gobsmacked because I actually lost a lot of weight, even though I had another risky pregnancy with a 2nd child, and due to another miracle, was completely healthy (and super cute and an easy baby!!!) by all means that doesn’t mean, I didn’t get a perverse satisfaction due to their pettiness.
Not to mention within a year of her birth, my complications were getting bad and while I knew we were going to get laid off in 2 months, because I had my 1st gastric bypass complication hospitalization, a few days after Zoe’s first birthday, they tried to fire me, when I returned to work, I threatened to sue and now I can say I got laid off from “Benited Wealthmare”, too, even though I’m not eligible for rehire (like I’d ever consider it.. fuck them)…
So this is my wordy ranty warning to people, if you think you are better person and better mother than I was, maybe you are.
But, bullying another mom, thinking they are indebted for your fucking unasked parenting wisdom and genius, in the digital era, thrown in with any kind of snark of what a new or old mom, or anyone, looks like or does, if it doesn’t effect you or an innocent being, is really none of your fucking business.
And certainly not for you to judge.
Amy Schumer can most certainly defend herself and her provide more than most of us can, for her new baby.
As well as I’m sure her husband is an excellent father, too.
She doesn’t need me fucking defending her.
But on the off chance the Mommy Bullying Squad does this to another mother, who can’t identify why they’re feeling bad, or they know they are in some kind of crisis that doesn’t look or isn’t pretty on the inside or outside, but doesn’t want or isn’t able to say how bad they are feeling due to stigma and it has great consequences for a parent and possibly their children, you don’t want that on you.
Because shaming is hate, in any form, on the internet and off the internet and it potentially has horrible if not fatal consequences on others.
And I couldn’t just say that in a Tweet or without a lot of words, as a non monetized blogger who tries to help other parents in crisis not make the same mistakes I did.
There’s only a few words that should be acceptable when any women has a baby.
It’s either “Congratulations” or “or if you need any support or advice, I’m available”.
That’s it. Nothing else is helpful or necessary.
Oh, and if Amy Schumer wants to adopt this obviously adorable and charming 49 year old who has a ton of medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities, but otherwise is tons of fun ,as an older sister, I’m game.
Note: Nothing that isn’t constructive to another human will be published. Don’t waste my time or yours, ok. Thanks!!!
Today is the 6th anniversary of Zach Sobiech’s death.
As a resident of MN, there are things that are done to honor his memory and legacy.
As I’ve said in different blogs about Zach Sobiech, I was originally made aware of him, not because I’m local, but because of a People.com article about his death, exactly 6 years ago.
The ONLY thing that I have in common with him, is that we spent time in the same medical facility, at the same time, in different medical wards, for different medical conditions, hence why I’m suited better to the activism I normally do.
Hearing about him though and learning more about his life and who he was, impacted me greatly, for the better;
It made me pay more attention to people who achieve great things, with positivity in the face of great adversity.
It made me want to be a better medical activist so that kids (or anyone for the matter) has better treatment options that are less invasive, in the face devastating medical diseases such Osteosarcoma and other cancers and/or other deadly diseases.
I mean this in the best possible way, I wish that I would’ve never heard of Zach Sobiech, the way most of us did, even though we learned in absolute tragic outcomes, good could from it.
But, I and most of us didn’t hear about him except through media.
So, I still will write about him to honor his legacy and what he achieved in such a short but well lived life, that he should’ve had much longer to live.
I will still think about him, especially in my case, where I live so close to U.S. Bank Stadium, where my 26 1/2 year old son Zach was able to witness the “Minneapolis Miracle” at the stadium and watch Superbowl 52 which took place there in Minneapolis in 2018, almost 5 years after Zach Sobiech’s death.
And I will still donate money every year, it’s not a lot, at this time of the year, until there’s a cure for Osteosarcoma.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: I am NOT a clinically or credentialed trained professional in medical and mental health. I have absolutely no education in medical, mental health, law, law enforcement and in public safety.
Unfortunately, due to the link above, my normal disclaimer of when people who are at high risk for hurting themselves or others does NOT apply because the victim that is the catalyst of this blog, as well as other victims were employees of Minnesota treatment centers for the severely mentally ill and MN DOC employees who were violently attacked or killed while their assailants were already incarcerated.
In full disclosure, as someone who has non violent mental health issues and came super close almost 11 years ago, of finding out first hand what it’s like to be a resident of the facility, that the above victim who was an employee, in above link was violently assaulted last night, in my case, (unlike the assailant/patient/resident who had past history of being convicted of violent crime prior to his commitment) with no prior legal history other than 2 traffic offenses and 1 psych hospitalization, 2 weeks prior to a suicide attempt that there was an attempt (which was stayed) to have me committed to Anoka Metro Regional Treatment Center in Summer of 2008 status post of my 1 and only suicide attempt, the only other civil legal history I have, was the unlawful detainer that I received after the commitment attempt and I had no prior civil or criminal history other than above mentioned citations in 2008 and I haven’t had any since then.
That will be a topic of another blog. As I wasn’t completely blameless, just in a non violent medical and mental health crisis who was never in danger of hurting anyone else other than myself.
I couldn’t though write this blog without being transparent about my own history and the factors that played into my medical and mental health history, I write about as a non monetized blogger, in hopes to help others in crisis, get help sooner and to advocate for more treatment options, so what I went through and the ones I love, didn’t go through in vain and to prevent that if possible from someone else having to go through the same thing.
***
I’ve been blogging for years now, about violent crime prevention.
I knew after though after writing blogs about local violent crimes and seeing the records of those who perpetuated those horrific acts, if something at the time, especially since many of those who I’ve written about in the last several years to a month ago, their criminal histories even for someone who has NO formal training in medical, mental health, criminal forensics could possibly forecast that their crimes could escalate to tragic violent physical harm to innocent others and to violent fatalities.
When I tried to research initiatives for safety improvements and injury statistics for employees at AMRTC where that nurse was violently assaulted, at St. Peter Regional Treatment Center, as well as Minnesota Department of Corrections stats, when an Oak Park Heights correctional officer who was murdered ,when trying to help a fellow correctional officer who was also being brutally attacked by an inmate , last fall.
The above table in this blog, which was is ALMOST 30 years old, was as close as I got to finding any statistics online for AMRTC.
I got a little closer seeing a few articles about staff picketing about safety in the past and even a little more insight when reading online employee review sites, where employees, even recently, where they share how rewarding it feels to help patients they work with, they DO NOT feel safe at work.
I have confidence that change will happen one way or another, I think primarily it will occur because employees are going to fight for safer conditions in that facility and in other facilities where people have to work with people who are confined because they of the public safety threat that they pose (which I need to clarify again ABSOLUTELY not everyone in a mental health treatment center or even in prison, long term committed/incarcerated are violent predators or have past violent crime convictions , but quite a few do).
The problem is, that is too late for the nurse who could’ve been killed last night and if changes aren’t IMMEDIATE, more unnecessary risk is posed to these employees.
It’s also at the risk of employees in local medical centers where more acts of violence are taken place and those employees are also claiming fear of being harmed on the job, that there aren’t more safety initiatives in place.
As well as the risk to the general public, as exhibited horrifically last month when that 5 year old boy was thrown from the 3rd floor by someone who had incurred 3 charges in the Summer of 2015, 2 of them were for violent acts and one was for property damage, he then until 2019 had 6 traffic offenses, which is not a stretch that his blatant disregard for the law, didn’t lead to him weaponizing a motor vehicle to harm or kill someone.
What Emmanuel Aranda didn’t have though, was any civil legal action in regards to his mental health, which had exhibited propensity to be violent which he exhibited several times, in a short of period of time, 3 1/2 years before he would attempt to kill someone on purpose.
People who work to help others in medical, mental health and law enforcement deserve protection and a right to a violence free workplace and in public , just like the general public deserves that same kind of protection wherever they may be.
Changes in law have to take place, more initiatives on mental health need to take place and if people cannot feel safe when working with people who already incarcerated or confined due to the potential safety hazards they present to the general public, more innocent people are going to be violently assaulted, if not killed.
This is not Minnesota specific, obviously.
This is happening all over the country, as well as the world.
But we have to do something to honor these victims, to prevent these tragedies from happening over and over again.
It’s just going to take more effort to pass legislation that concentrates on the rights of victims or potential victims with a concentrated effort by public safety, DHS, DOC, legislators, law enforcement, psychiatric and medical professionals and violent crime activists, so innocent people have the chance of being protected like convicted assailants are.
And maybe for repeat violent offenders, whether they are incarcerated, confined or walking free like Brian Fitch (I should probably clarify Sr, as his son by the same name, is currently racking up his own record) was who had dozens of violent felony convictions before he murdered Mendota Heights Officer Scott Patrick in 2014, by studying them more might be able to predict on the side of safety their inability to be rehabilitated.
My thoughts and prayers are with the victim of Thursday nights assault, family and friends, as well as all the employees who’ve been assaulted, if not killed while working trying to help people that may not have any control over their violent tendencies but their confinement doesn’t protect the people who are treating them.
Note: Being a disabled activist, I welcome ANY productive and constructive feedback from any entity or party where if I missed something or could be educated more, about prevention, planned enhanced safety initiatives or anything that can help people be safer.
I do also as an activist will address non violent mental health patients who are misplaced in either jails, prisons or the safety nets that could help prevent others like me, where safety nets for both myself and my family could’ve prevented an unnecessary loss of freedom in someone who posed absolutely NO threat to the public.
Just not on this blog, but given that I am a mental health activist, I didn’t want the population of people who follow me, who are non violent mental health patients to feel I am not going to address their right to freedom, safety and security initiatives , in future blogs.
