#DepravedIndifferenceInTheDigitalEra

Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical, mental health or in public safety professional. I’m just a concerned medical and mental health and violent crime prevention activist and blogger, at times.

A lot lately.

And for awhile now.

If you or someone you know, is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services (i.e. 911 if you’re in the United States) and other important crisis resources will be at the end of this blog.

***

With a title like this, I guess I need to make some clarifications, right from the start.

I’ve been around for almost a half of a century, now .

I know that people have been hateful and harmful from the beginning of time, let alone before computers, internet and smart phone eras.

But now so many people are being irrevocably mentally and medically harmed, if not having their lives violently taken from them.

Where no place is sacred, such as a school, a place of worship, a hospital, a government center, a daycare or workplace and playgrounds, to name a few.

Where no one is spared, whether they be a baby, child, teenager adult to elderly.

Regardless of political preferences, gender, sexual orientation/identification, religion, race, race and socioeconomics.

And  people from all walks of life, have the potential that they fufill ,to be predators, perpetrators of hateful actions and vile crimes (well not babies or very young children) and to be victims.

This is what I’m deciding to mainly focus on, going forward as an activist…

That the serious discussions that need to take place, that I’m a part of, as far as making an attempt to be a part of the discussion to make aware, that people are losing the ability to realize and respect the sanctity of human life.

That everyone should have a life that is free from physiological and psychological harm.

That we start instilling this in the young.

And have safety nets in place lifelong for human being the evaluation and treatment of people in crisis.

And that we as a society if we’re going to survive, let alone thrive, have to figure out how to respectfully agree to disagree.

That rejection, if it or anything else that leads to rage, people can get help so they don’t continue to harm and kill innocent people.

That they don’t continue to irrovacably interfere with another’s right to peace of mind.

It needs to be said, in an era, where there is so many murder/suicides and just such an increase in violent crime, as well as the increase in severe emotional abuse and bullying, that even the people without a history, even if they started out and throughout their life, that doesn’t mean much, if they end their own lives and others, violently.

Or they in secret or quite publically hate and shame on a population of people, whether it be online or offline.

I DO NOT  believe that everyone can love everyone.

But it needs to change  where people realize how much it can harm, if they ONLY  have compassion for people who they care about and who are similarly like minded.

In that case apathy is a lot better than contempt or hate.

And if nothing else, if one can’t be a part of the solution, please don’t be a part of the problem.

Because some people just for no reason are predispotioned to depravity.

And then there are others where for multiple reasons, their depravity is circumstantial.

But no less damaging, if not deadly.

Note: I hope this will lead to necessary discussions about having multiple initiatives in hopes to help humankind.

Any response that is hateful or not constructive to this topic will NOT be published.

http://www.befrienders.org

 

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Mourning the death of a true hero and patriot: #JohnMcCain

I knew this day would come, but I wanted it to be later or like NEVER.

Obviously, that’s not reasonable or rational.

I know that I like most people feel a sense of profound loss, regarding the passing of John McCain, yesterday.

And my truest sympathies are of course to his family, friends and his colleagues.

But I also feel a sense of loss for everyone, including myself.

And I feel bad as while the rational side of me, wanted him to have more life for reasons that were beneficial to him and his loved ones, the not so rational part of me really truly feels like that in Washington D.C., we lost a visionary who fought to make things a safe and reasonable reality for our nation, who wasn’t afraid to do and say the right thing and while no one is perfect, he was a perfect patriot and statesman.

I consider myself a conservative liberal, which really doesn’t need that much defining in this blog.

I did write though a blog about John McCain about 9 months ago, while knowing he’d never see it, nor his family, I didn’t want to wait til his death to say or acknowledge my gratitude for his service.

Because I’m a fan of his daughter Meghan, and again, I didn’t and don’t think anything I put out in the internet universe will reach famous people, which is not my intention, that I wanted to still put out gratitude for her and her family sharing him with us.

I only hope his colleagues in both parties,  to honor his legacy, take stock of the tremendous courage he’s shown throughout his life put people, principle and patriotism before party.

So as sad as I am about his passing, the one thing that gives me hope is that both his life and death wasn’t in vain.

That his courageousness will live on through his beyond honorable service to our country and that it will bring much needed attention and resources for those who are still fighting Glioblastoma and those who’ve lost their lives from it.

Again though it bears repeating, my heart still aches for the loss of him, his suffering and his family, friends, colleagues and our nation who mourns him.

Rest In Peace, Maverick….

Note: Any comments that could be hurtful to myself or any of my readers regarding this tribute to a national treasure which John McCain was, will NOT be published.

An Open Letter to #AsiaArgento…

Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I discuss in this blog with some profanity, rape in both genders, as well as victims come in all genders, colors and because I have a major personal reason to discuss it, all shapes and sizes.

PLEASE don’t read if any of the above is a trigger and please ask for clarification before making an assumption. Thanks!!!

And as always, if you or someone you know is in medical or mental health crisis, please seek immediate professional help.

***

Dear Asia (and the few million people who definitely share the same attitudes),

I’m honestly not picking on you!!!

My heart hurts for you in what has to really a fucking shitty AWFUL 18 months for you.

I’m a disabled medical and mental health activist in regards body shaming (of every size) and suicide, who doesn’t like social media and I value  my privacy.

In 1996, TWO major things happened to me that I talk about, the first only recently, the second, a little more and both because of the paragraph above, NO ONE believes me.

In January of 1996, I was date raped. Well, more like I was supposed to go on a blind date,  meeting at his very nice apartment building,  with the plans that we would go out to lunch and in being naive when he, who seemed to be a nice and nice looking U.S. Army official wanted to show me his new Natuzzi sectional, ended up quietly, violently and quite humiliatingly got raped, orally, vaginally and anally.

Of course not on the expensive sectional which he wouldn’t want to mess up, but on his living room floor.

What he said was if I gave him what he wanted, he wouldn’t hurt me.

That was only partially true, because he violated me, where NO ONE could see it.

I was a 26 year old fat, single not considered attractive full time employed loving single mom of 1, I just wanted to get get out of it in one piece, so I could get back to get my 3 1/2 year old  son and continue on with my life.

In June of 1996, I had a business trip that I had to go to London. On my flight from O’Hare to Heathrow, I fucking shit you and everyone else NOT, Princess Diana was on my British Airways flight!!!

My one and only business trip, I pretty much told anyone and everyone about.

I told less than a handful of people about my rape until a few years ago when I became and activist of sorts and a blogger.

About 5 years after my rape, being sick of being verbally bullied my entire life, I decided to have bariatric surgery (and that’s a WHOLE other entire story that I’m not going to get into now) and while some great things did originally and initally happen, it didn’t have anything resembling a  happy ending .

Other than to say and it’s kind of important, that I got skinny shamed instead of fat shamed for a couple years and I hated (and still hate fat and thin shaming)  both equally.

And because of the mindfuck of that and having serious complications from that surgery, exactly (well as of 9 days ago ) I gave up custody of my kids to my parents (by then I was a single mom of 2) and tried to commit suicide, 10 years ago.

And while I had no previous extensive psych history prior to my attempt and my first psych hospitalization 2 1/2 weeks prior to my one and only attempt and nearly got institutionalized for it.

When I decided that what I went through and my children went through, shouldn’t be in vain (as I was a neglectful mother the last 2 years I had my children), I launched this non monetized blog of mine, exactly 5 years from the anniversary of my suicide attempt.

So unfortunately, I know all to well from victim shaming, from parental suicide, suicide and mental health shaming and body shaming.

This is what I’m hoping to appeal to you for and I don’t know any other way to do it, even though I cherish and need my privacy.

Words and actions, lack of actions, MATTER.

Unfortunately, while what I think what Harvey Weinstein did is despicable, everytime people allude to the fact that he was/is a  big, fat and ugly monster, they perpetuate horribly wrongly,  that only unattractive people are perps and that they could NEVER be victims.

And that can kind of horribly feed into the horribly damaging myth, that rape is  a crime of passion, because it’s NOT,  it’s a horrific crime of where its intent is  to do horrific humiliating horrible physical and emotional damage to another human being.

While both are extremely painful for me and others like me, who don’t have a voice, hence why I blog, it’s a million times easier for me to talk about my suicide attempt and nearly getting committed,  than it is for me to talk about my rape.

I know that hurt people hurt people, so I’m trying to say this to you or anyone it could apply in the least judgemental way, as possible.

Because, for #MeToo for it fufill it’s mission, it HAS to be inclusive of all human beings who are victims/survivors.

Otherwise, it’s at risk of people who don’t have a voice, still at risk, due to not getting support, let alone, not being believed.

 

If you don’t believe me, use a search engine and try a find a meme using the words: fat women rape.

Or that it’s made to be a horribly unfunny joke and/or unfunny stereotype when a man not of the age of consent, is raped by an older powerful attractive  female.

It’s horrific of what’s out there and the after effects of rape  trauma can have the effect of victims ending up with eating disorders on opposite sides of the spectrum but not as far apart, as people think when it comes to  Anorexia to Super Morbid Obesity, as well as being at risk for addiction issues and  sometimes heartbreakingly it leads to suicidality.

For a multitude of reasons.

There has to be a better way to talk about predators,  without potentially shaming people who are victims/survivors where the only thing they share is a body type or an attractiveness classification, that’s what I’m trying to get across.

And while you have made great strides with #MeToo, if victims end up perpetuating the same crime or a different one, their voices and stories (the victims, if they are able to speak about it) need to be told as well.

Otherwise we don’t have a prayer of ending the vicious rampant cycles of rape, violent physical assault and sometimes homicide, sometimes suicide, sometimes murder/suicide regardless of genders, socio-economics, age, race, religion, sexual preference, sexual identification and species (as a dog was raped in Los Angeles several days ago).

I could go on and on, but I’m sure no one really wants me to and I certainly don’t.

Thanks for your (and anyone’s elses)  time and patience in reading this.

Respectfully, Lisa

Note: As always, but especially due to the sensitivity in nature of topics discussed, any comments that could be triggering to any of my readers, will NOT be published.

When it’s without a doubt, NOT going to get easier……

Disclaimers: This blog is both to achieve personal points and an activism goal. I do talk about appearance and weight.

I ask if any of the above, as I defend people to be of whatever weight they feel is in their best interest (meaning whether they believe in weight loss or being any size of the spectrum without stigma) as well as appearance, such as whether one wants to be glammed up or if they’re more like me and I look like I climbed out of under a rock, even with showering and fresh clean clothes on, that if any is a trigger to anyone, PLEASE  don’t read.

***

Above meme is a current self portrait of sorts…

Well I guess if one is going to be picky, an internal one.

It’s not that I’ve haven’t been open on my internet spaces, of gaining a lot of weight, NOT really caring much that I have and that I look like the love child of Jabba the Hutt and Bride of Chucky, it’s that I’m okay with it, which is completely socially UNACCEPTABLE.

In fact it’s SO socially unacceptable, that to admit it, makes me looked more unglued mentally, than I was 10 years ago (you’ll have to read my very 1st blog on WP, to find out the deets for that).

As I get older though and more wiser, for me at least, what’s considered unacceptable to others, i.e. gaining weight (even though I’m trying not to gain anymore and/or lose a little bit and DO NOT want any weight loss advice, of like any kind) or that I don’t look the greatest, as it’s a symptom for me of something that it’s a mixed blessing and mixed bag of sorts, to accept.

My current disability sets are getting worse, as far as self care is concerned and I don’t love it, but have to accept that’s where I’m at and take personal inventory of what I’m capable of, in some kind of action.

Meaning what bothers me the most, is the failure on my part to do more than just get by, that I can’t take care of others.

That if I would die, I’d have nothing to give to anyone in either a legacy to be proud of or any type of financial support to my children and my parents, who I owe EVERYTHING to.

That as an activist, it’s getting unbearable to see the news daily, of all the unconscionable acts of violence and tragedies.

So,  I’m taking stock of what I can do to be a better activist and to be better personally that’s focused  in the medical and mental health arts and sciences, and what I can do to better my finances,  before I get anymore disabled.

And being grateful at least that if I can’t be the best I can be on the outside, internally I’m mentally intact and can strive for more.

And that’s okay…

Note: Please NO food, diet and/or fitness advice. Thanks!!!

UNFORGIVABLE FOOD FAUX PAS!!!

Disclaimers: There IS a medical foundation in this blog, so it bears mentioning that if one is in crisis medically, PLEASE contact 911 or emergency services in your area.

***

I don’t like surprises, like of ANY kind.

In my top 3 though, of surprises that I HATE, has to do with food.

So I’m reading my local news today and catch actually, an older article on a local couple who were suing their wedding vendors, because they wanted to surprise their guests with an all vegan meal but not reveal that it was vegan, until the end of the reception, last Spring.

Apparently not only did it taste terrible and not well made but some of the workers at the wedding, did actually admit prior to the meal being over, that the wedding was vegan mandated in accordance to the wishes of the bride.

I will defend until the day I  DIE, people having any kind of food beliefs for any reason.

FOR THEMSELVES!!!

One may want to eat a certain way for religious, spiritual, health and/or any other reason and one is a somewhat rationally minded adult (I’m not  talking in regards to people who have Pica, etc and NOT talking about parents with their OWN children who don’t like feeding them sugar, GMOs etc).

And that’s great, as it’s your body, your business, your life.

DO NOT EVER though, “surprise” anyone with one’s food philosophy, like NEVER EVER DO THAT!!!

And because where people have different types of adverse reactions to different foods, sometimes deadly allergies, and they don’t have a certain kind of dietary philosophy and trying to surprise someone with that, could end their life, if not cause unnecessary medical, physical and/or emotional distress.

It’s ironic as I was already going to write a blog of this nature, I was with a friend a couple of days ago and we were talking about our own wacky biological makeups.

She went into FULL anaphylactic shock, when eating a sample food, that had a small amount of an ingredient at a big box store, before she knew she was allergic to it.

While the pharmacy on site, gave her epinephrine, it DID NOT work, because she was on a beta blocker.

In my case, because I haven’t wanted to get tested and can’t get an epi-pen without it, I just ALWAYS carry around a full box of diphenhydramine (don’t ever do what I do, I’m a moron about not getting allergy tested, as well as taking 2 dozen of diphenhydramine which I tolerate okay but someone else could overdose) because sometimes different foods trigger a “glass shard” feeling in my throat.

And while I’ve been in full anaphylactic shock, due to a medication reaction, that was when I was  in labor with my youngest and I was in a hospital full of physicians when that happened and it STILL was terrifying.

It’s NEVER okay, for ANY reason to surprise people when it comes to ANYTHING they are ingesting and it could ACTUALLY be DEADLY, even if an epi-pen is available, if someone is on anti-arrhytmics, MAO inhibitors and/or beta blockers, as well as other medications in other therapy classes can render Epinephrine less effective.

As well if it’s not potentially deadly, it can be  illegal, such as people who make food items with marijuana or other substances, even if they don’t have intention to do harm.

But even if a food item or any ingredient in a food dish, isn’t deadly to a person, people have a right to know what they’re being served when it comes to ANY food someone is serving them, ALWAYS.

Note: I will only publish constructive feedback. And again, this is about serving unknown/undisclosed foods to people where one may NOT know their food allergies and/or just want to unduly influence someone’s way of eating because they feel they’re eating philosophy is superior to someone else’s.

I’m NOT  talking about parents who sneak in vegetables in their own kids smoothies, etc.  Thanks!!!

What, if anything can be done to reduce domestic murder/suicides??? #StigmaKills

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 1-800-273-8255
http://www.befrienders.org (outside the U.S.)

Important Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional. I will ALWAYS encourage people in crisis to seek immediate professional help or call emergency services if they or someone they know is capable of hurting themselves or others.

The epidemic we are facing now, is that sometimes people are just snapping and killing loved ones and then themselves, when a relationship ends.

Sometimes there is an issue where in cases of domestic violence, recently, where a spouse seeks an order of protection and whether or NOT it’s granted, it’s still not enough for someone to not only kill their signficant others but children and other family or friends who are in the household or the spare the abused spouse, to cause as much horrific physical and emotional trauma as possible.

And sometimes people are commiting these horrific tragedies with no previous criminal or mental health history.

We are in a new era, that people who are clinically trained medical and mental health professionals and law enforcement and we as a society have to come up with a better way of potentially forecasting these potentially tragedies and educating people on gettting evaluated and treated for their depression and rage issues so it’s not fatal to them or anyone else.

I’d ask though if this is too sensitive of a topic for people, please DO NOT read.

Thanks…
***

I just managed to catch a beyond tragic story on People.com, a few minutes ago.

An Alabama man, after his wife, a 3rd grade teacher filed for divorce, due to his opioid addiction issues, and 9 days after she filed for divorce he shot her and 1 of 3 triplets to death, 2 of the triplets were also shot are in ICU after being able to escape and their 13 year old escaped before the father was able to shoot them and setting his house with the 2 of the dead bodies in it, last weekend.

I’ve probably now wrote at least a dozen blogs on trying to bring awareness on how to prevent domestic murder/suicides.

Again, it bears repeating, I’m NOT a clinically trained professional nor do I have any training in law enforcement or criminal psychology.

But this is what I do know:

Domestic violence has been around for a long time and it’s getting deadlier for a partner to end a relationship than it ever has been.

And even in relationships that domestic violence wasn’t a factor, more people are innocently are being killed, when a relationship ends, than ever before.

Both legal and illegal opioids have been around for a long time but more people are dying due to overdoses and as innocent parties to opioid addiction and abuse because of a loved one’s opioid addiction.

In this instance, it wasn’t released of whether or not that man was legally able to have a firearm.

And in the nature of how he ambushed his family, he still had the rage and kerosene to set his house on fire.

I’m not saying that I don’t believe in some issues regarding gun control.

Because I definitely do.

It’s not that I don’t feel any different with regulating opiates.

As I definitely do about that, as well.

The thing is though, if we don’t find a way for people whether it’s starting when people are young to find a way to constructively work through anger and rage, when feeling rejection, even if we could eradicate both guns and drugs, people would still die from addiction issues and be murdered in a different manner other than with a firearm, because others can’t appropriately process rage and rejection, the addiction in some of these cases, just adds another complication and/or higher risk of escalation of violence and increased risk for fatalities.

If people aren’t afraid of going to prison, due to being violent or possessing or abusing drugs, don’t have the respect for the sanctity of life, either for themselves or someone they are supposed to love, where their rage of a partner’s rejection outweighs them rationally knowing that their loved ones have a right to their lives and peace of mind, an order of protections don’t mean anything, if it’s applicable.

And in a lot of recent cases, orders of protections weren’t applicable.

Because, people who had no criminal history, have killed their families, loved ones, friends and/or peers and then lots of times, themselves when a relationship ends or feeling some kind of rejection romantically or platonically.

Or when feeling rejected in school, their workplaces or their houses of worship.

More initiatives are needed to try and prevent these horrific tragedies.

And they are needed NOW.

And starting these kind of initiatives, when people are young and being constructively educated, lifelong.

Note: I will NOT publish anything that’s not constructive. Thanks….

What it’s like to have lost control in ALMOST everything…

Disclaimers: This is more of a personal blog in its purpose, than to achieve any kind of activism goal, other than it will reinforce why I do choose to do the activism that I do.

I will discuss things that are very controversial, such as politics, weight issues, addiction, sensitive medical and mental health stuff and I will do so with some profanity.

If ANY of those topics are triggering to ANYONE, please DO NOT read.

Also note, my normal disclaimer still stands because I do talk about topics than can be a matter of life and death, I will always urge those who are in medical or mental health crisis or if you suspect someone is, to get clinically trained professional help in an an acute setting or contact emergency services.

And yeah, I know this is SUPER WORDY, the last quarter of the blog can help people who are collateral damage because of the opioid epidemic or how they respond to pain meds in severe chronic pain situations, so if you want to skip 75% of most of the blog, the last quarter might be able to help others recognize somethings that are critical in patient care of severe chronic pain patients both with disease and/or syndromes, that took me forever to figure out in myself.

Editorial Note: Updating blog 8 days after publishing, to be clear as the title of it, can be misleading. When I talk about loss of control, it’s circumstances being out of the realm of my control, not mental health related. I’m not thrilled at my current circumstances, which is explained in great detail below, but I’m quite mentally stable.

I’m sorry if the title of the blog could be misconstrued for others to think otherwise.

***

It made the news recently and it was a story that made me feel both vindicated AND sad.

It was the news item that the Disney movie “The Incredibles 2” had a medical warning.

While I’m lucky to not have epilepsy (I have migraines as well as 5 fucking other types of headaches, with neuro issues), I am super light and noise sensitive and even a non jarring movie, such as a rom-com, it’s not comfortable for me to watch movies or engage in most entertainment events in public, because I can’t control how my body reacts.

But even while the few people I still see on occasion, it’s hard for them to understand how I can do even less than I did 3 years ago, let alone what I was able to do 13 years ago.

It’s one thing to not be able to work anymore due to disabilities.

But while even most “spoonies” can understand that, it’s less understood how even fun events, ain’t so fun for me.

What made me sad about that news article is I was able to recall seeing very little of the first “Incredibles” movie when it came out.

I took my children to the theater, I still was an active mom, while quite sick then, where I took my 2 year old and my 13 year old to the movies, like many parents do and I spent most of the time chasing my 2 year old in the lobby, cause Zoe just couldn’t sit still and spent most of the time chasing her in the lobby.

I didn’t mind that memory when it happened and I find it so bittersweet, now.

Because it was SO normal.

I can only do very little and sporadically now, with “the trinity of my heart”, that would be my kids and my boyfriend and for example they all love Star Wars, my kids love movies though in general, more so than my boyfriend.

I’d try to explain, that it’s not just a lack of interest in the series that makes me not want to go with them (as I “wiki” the last 2 movies to be able to talk about them, as I can still read) , as I’d appreciate anything to bond with them over, it’s literally a waking physical nightmare to go to a movie like that.

My kids saw that  almost 2 years ago, when my daughter, in her school choir, sang the anthem at a home game for the Timberwolves, I literally buried my head in my hands, I couldn’t stand any part of what it takes to sit through a sports event, especially the noise and the lights.

But this is what the last few years have been like, NEVER thinking when I still think about where I was 10 years ago as a suicidal mother who was about to give up custody of her kids and then give up her life, 9 years ago when I still was stuck in the system and 8 years ago when I was trying to NOT die from my gastric bypass complications.

I didn’t think the status quo for me could be anymore limiting as I have my freedom and a life that’s so bizarrely but not hurtful in any way, that’s so lacking in being 1/100th of the person, let alone the parent I was 15 years ago.

Events in the last 2 years;

2016: Election year, which I knew wasn’t going to go my way, so to speak. The major surprise for me wasn’t on election night, it happened 3 weeks prior, when I found myself with a bedbug infestation that I ended up having to live with for 3 months because another resident 2 floors above me, didn’t report when they originally happened so they spread like bedbugs do, quite quickly when not reported or responded to, right away.

You’d think for someone who’s not Ms. Clean it wouldn’t bother me, but it was awful and horrifying, having to go to bed and live every waking moment in a bedbug infested house, every crevice of my apartment was swarming, it took weeks to get an exterminator and months to get rid of them.

Unfortunately by the time early 2017, by the time I didn’t have them any more, I didn’t have any peace of mind left, that’s the cruel but true reality when you live in affordable housing, in a lower income bracket, but some people have addiction issues that create constant barriers in them appreciating their housing and unfortunately do present a constant threat to others physical and emotional wellbeing and safety.

Because they don’t realize or don’t care about the risks of their freedom or their lives, due the nature of disease and they aren’t aware of how abnormal it is, to at least not try and hide it.

I’m not dissing low income or people with barriers, I’m saying though in a big city, it makes even more challenging to try and provide housing to people who may not show signs that they aren’t meant for living independently due to so many unfortunate for them circumstances that do effect others, adversely, too

2017: I had started using food as a coping mechanism in late 2016, because in addition to losing 1/2 my stuff and my peace of mind due to the events of 2016, eating a lot of carbs (not as much as you’d think, as I’m reversed but not of normal anatomy life I was prior to my gastric bypass). I gained 30 lbs.

But I could still walk. Not without a lot of pain both during and after a walk but meds still helped a little with pain.

Until late Fall of 2017 when I couldn’t walk more than 5 minutes without both back pain and feet pain being unbearable. Instead of being able to get in 5-8 miles a day, 3 to 4 times a week, I can’t risk walking at all because I literally cannot bear the feet and back pain, so I got even more restricted both physically and mentally in what I could do.

The Holiday Season of 2016, and  my birthday fell in (it’s 12-2) was effected because I couldn’t go anywhere because of the bedbugs without taking major precautions, so I was home a lot, even though I could still walk, I also was living in having whatever materials goods I had left of them being, packed.

As I threw out over 1/2 my stuff with the infestation.

Holiday Season of 2017 couldn’t go anywhere because my body was broken and it broke most of the spirit I had left.

I woke up on my birthday, almost 8 months ago, at 1 am, with the fire alarms going off in my building, one of my neighbors above me got in a fight with her boyfriend and set his hoodie on fire, it caused all the sprinklers systems to go off and my apartment was again flooded (I had even a more major flood in 2013, due to resident behavior).

And the result in 2018, is another 30 lbs that I honestly don’t give a fuck about. I just don’t want to gain more weight and I feel helpless ever since I lost the ability to walk effectively for more than 5 minutes and that I can’t go out, unattended due to my severe physical reaction to pain and stimuli, as well as what it’s like to live with people who have barriers and addiction issues who don’t realize the consequences it has on themselves, let alone anyone else.

So I know fully why I turned to food, it’s something I need, that perishes and it’s less likely to be adversely effected by other people’s behaviors, even though the weight gain didn’t effect originally my ability to be active, it does effect my comfort now.

While all those things caused me to lose all hope (except the fucking weight gain that I don’t care about but don’t want to gain anymore weight, because even if I became the most zen person possible, I could gain another 500 lbs and not only would I still not want bariatric surgery, which I still defend, I still probably wouldn’t be eligible, given my unique circumstances with my gastric bypass) , at least personally, I still have purpose and while I’ll explain that in greater detail, as an activist, while you need BOTH hope and purpose to have a shot of a decent life, you have to have at least ONE of  them to mentally STILL have a life, in my case becoming more unrecognizable and way more unpleasant (even though I’m grateful for what is good, such as those I love the most being alive, the little I can do, etc.).

So I have some meaningful purpose still, but not much else.

In 2018, with the opioid epidemic being a true crisis and realizing that I have a strong tolerance to them,  led me to find out something that’s not talk about much and that I think it’s playing into my pain issues, as my current high dose was no longer working and I could understand to an extent, why my physician didn’t want to increase my meds (this is discussed in much greater detail in a previous blog).

As well as other’s issues with chronic pain, drug abuse, addiction, overdose and the criminal and adverse physical and psychological circumstances that most people are touched by when it comes to opioid epidemic.

It’s a medical phenomenon called “Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia”.

What it means in layman’s terms, is that people either become resistant to analgesic effects of pain medications or the opioids themselves make the pain response worse in both patients who have any kind of injury or disease or peripheral pain response is worsened by the use of opiates, so not only if one is tolerant to opiates they don’t work well , they have the double whammy of making their awful horrible pain, even worse.

Again, I’m not a doctor, that’s my interpretation of the clinical of OIH, it’s not to be taken in any other way, then making it clear, in my not clinically trained highly opinionated self, that if a patient thinks a provider has addiction bias in their treatment, they could be clearer in concerns of  prescribing opioids, even as a last resort, because even patients who are terminal, are suffering, as well as the severe chronic pain population due to the OIH phenomenon, as well as that could be the cause in patients who self medicate with an unreasonable amount of opioids that they unfortunately overdose on.

The most shocking thing when I realized that in me, is why I didn’t recognize it sooner, when researching the clinical in opioid tolerance,  I don’t respond well to most medications, in most therapy classes or I can have such polarized different responses in medications the SAME therapy class.

But I’ve always been medically challenging prior to being put on opioids, whether it’s with anesthesia, analgesics  or again, all those other medications.

What makes me madder and more frustrated, is that how did NO physician recognize that in me or the fact it’s so easy to suspect drug abuse or addiction in a patient like me where I’m not known for my compliance but I honestly don’t behave in a manner either, that’s known for in drug abuse or addiction.

But I look at my being, even at the age of 48 being closer to the end of my life (vs. being mid life, again, I’m not suicidal, I think something major is being missed and I now have a notarized DNR that’s clear in no life saving or life extending measures of any kind) , as much as it sucks mentally and physically to realize that I’m going to probably continue to live and die in a horribly painful and even more limiting life manner and how it’s also negatively effected those I love, and how much this fucking sucks, this blog today is about that.

This going forward  though in the future, will be to HELP  others.

And it was it to me the sickest fucking cruelest joke ever personally, is that I could control to an extent even with my gastric bypass complications and mental health issues, was my serotonin  because the ONLY high that I’ve ever experienced was from intense exercise, when I used to work out at an athletic level circa 2004-2007 and could’ve been a great sub-specializing in adaptive and rehabilitative fitness as a CPT, had not all this happen to me, as well as productive mother.

And being able to exercise that way, did make me a better parent before my complications and my circumstances made me be such a crappy one.

So this is where I figuratively stand right now, because literally standing and walking is way too painful most of the time (yes, I am grateful I still have my legs, though)  after my life events and the events of the last 2 years, where I can’t control much around me nor can I control the abnormal physical responses my body has to the most basic of stimuli:

I hope though going forward,  to continue being an activist for a more patient tailored approach to medicine and am appalled that there aren’t more resources for control of pain and resolution of more diseases and syndromes.

And to continue to write about that we as a society have to become more focused on mental health and removing the stigma of it, lifelong, starting when people are young, to help other people get evaluated and treatment for their issues that pose a threat to their lives or others.

Truthfully, it’s highly unlikely that I’m going to win the battles or the wars mentioned directly above, in my lifetime.

But setting at least somewhat of a foundation that can help others, is what I hope my legacy will be.

So please try to harder to understand with empathy, not necessarily me, but people like me, where we’re all trying to do the best we absolutely can, depending on our circumstances.

And as you can see not ONLY do our circumstances vary amongst us, they can quite vary IN us, if my life is to be any example of that.

Note: Again, this was a wordy blog, I get it. I’m looking for constructive dialogue. I’m not looking for any kind of personal  help or advice.

Especially the kind of advice that’s food or fitness related.

And moving unfortunately isn’t an option, unless I win the lottery or figure out a way to make a lot of money with the disability sets that I have.

And in case it’s not evident and crystal clear in this blog, the meme featured is an example of how my life cannot be problem/resolution, and/or “set a goal til it’s completed oriented”.

Personally, professionally and most heartbreaking for me as a parent, is why I can’t be that way any longer.

I get that most people it’s unrelatable, this is for the few who can relate to at least some if it.

And for everyone else who judges because they can’t relate, to maybe make them more apathetic if they can’t be empathetic.

Because hopefully now it makes more sense how I am way more physically and mentally exhausted as a disabled person in a household of one, then I EVER was as a gainfully employed loving single mother of 2 and I needed the extra 2500 words of why, to explain that or why it’s not good to judge things just based upon what you think you see on the surface…

Thanks!!!

Editorial Note: I know the above was so wordy, but what is quite inspiring and gives me purpose as an activist is the life and work of Dr. Paul Kalanithi who wrote “When Breath Becomes Air”. I can’t believe someone who’s being and work can still inspire me as an activist that I thought of when I wrote this blog but failed to mention a the time I published this, even though his life and his work was a partially influential and in importance to this blog being written.

I think anyone who wants to see both the best and most tragic in human nature, but organically so, such as the devastation of cancer, especially in a person who could’ve himself as he had the skill and desire to help humans cure medical tragedies, could be possibly helped, if not being inspired by reading the book.

I guess I look at it, I can’t be like him or his wife, but I think most of us, can do even if it’s a little amount, to try and help someone else, especially if they’re inspired by someone’s legacy, whether it’s a loved one or a complete stranger who’s story inspired or helped you.

Again, I know this was super wordy.

I had to evaluate the benefit of writing this badly versus not writing it at all.