It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

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Disclaimers: I talk about opioid addictions, opioid tolerance, weight issues and things that could potentially be sensitive to my readers and I understand that.

While this blog is personal in nature, I’m NOT just advocating for myself, especially after finding out some frustrating  news personally 2 days ago and real news about 5 minutes ago regarding the long term usage of opiate pain meds in those who suffer from severe chronic pain.

But,  I realize personally and as an activist, there’s been a lot of tragedies as of late, it’s not that I’m not sensitive to that and my heart hurts for people who’ve suffered unimaginable loss whether it’s due to addiction issues or such as the horrific tragedy in Santa Fe, as well as I have people that I know and care about who have themselves or loved ones,  life threatening conditions but don’t talk about them and never complain.

So please don’t read, if it could potentially be hurtful and hopefully you’ll respect that I’m NOT just trying to advocate for myself and I’m honestly not looking for sympathy.

And I apologize for how wordy this is. Not only is it tough to be concise for me, in a lot of pain, this is a topic that at best is a serious quality of life issue and at worst, possibly life or death, unnecessarily so, as I’ll thoroughly explain.

Thanks!!!

Editorial Note: After publishing, I realized I left out my normal disclaimer about seeking acute care for people in crisis by clinically trained professionals, I realize why I might have originally not thought to post it, given the fact that while I will ALWAYS advocate for people to be under the guidance of of clinically medical or mental health professionals, the topic of the blog is about the failure of a lot of a physicians, while well intentioned from a lot of them,  when it comes to being adverse to dispensing opioids, I’m NOT a clinically trained professional, I can only give my opinions on matters, but NOT medical and mental health advice, evaluation and treatment should ONLY should be taken from a professional,  in an appropriate setting and if someone is in crisis, they need to contact 911 (and or emergency services in their country of residence for out of country readers).

I apologize for omitting the above.

***

In HER defense, she did WARN me.

Meaning. when I was first put on pain meds, a little over 14 years ago, my long term primary care physician after the majority of non narcotic pain meds,  pain management and anti-seizure meds like Neurontin, among other prevention pain meds, I was warned that eventually, if I was on them long enough, they would no longer work.

I’ve had a long history prior to EVER being on these meds, of being strangely over tolerant or prone to the worst side effects of so many meds in all different therapy classes and all delivery systems, when I had 4 epidurals prior to my son being born (none of them worked) over 25 years ago, nearly dying in labor over 15 years ago due to anaphylaxis because the 1st 2 epidurals didn’t work, the 3rd one for 45 minutes and the 4th one sending me into anaphylactic shock and, I’m not easily anesthesized  with either general or  local anesthesia.

I’ve wrote more than one blog about opiates both personally and as an activist, as well as the labelling I’ve dealt with both post bariatric surgery and post suicide attempt which was almost 10 years ago (well, in August) especially once being diagnosed with mental health issues.

As well as being honest about having an addictive personality, in my case it’s tobacco and sometimes food.

I suffer from severe daily headaches (which opiates actually make worse) fibro, degenerative disc and severe neuropathic pain, both widespread and locally.

I gained 30 lbs (more about weight in another blog) starting in late 2016 throughout 2017.

However when my bilateral neuropathic foot pain (It’s not diabetic, been tested for that I am b12 deficient, the lowest it’s been since my reversal) got so bad 7 months ago, it kind of mentally broke me.

In my fitness heyday, I used to get an endorphin high from intense exercise, working out at an athletic level prior to 2007.

When I resumed walking again in 2014, I got the reward of that I could still walk.

It would hurt like HELL, afterwards, as my degenerative disc sits on my sciatic nerve, but I had a sense of accomplishment for someone who did so little and because I have a tendency to wildly fluctuate in weight post reversal but found my groove with walking lost over 50 lbs in 2015 (and at that time was over 60 lbs from my all time heaviest) and while I didn’t feel the greatest, carrying less weight at least helped with rib pain, as I have a tendency to carry a lot of weight in my midsection and have rib pain as a result of it.

And in the last 2 months alone, I’ve resorted to food (not eating tons but with metabolism issues to justify how much weight I’ve gained) gained another 30 lbs and am the heaviest I’ve been in the last 8 1/2 years (which I’ll also write another blog about).

About 7 months ago I found any walking caused an enormous amount of severe neuropathic foot pain, that made walking not worth it, as I started a walk, in the same amount of awful additional pain like I used to feel at the end of a long walk (I used to average 20-40 miles in a week until late Fall of 2017).

It put me at risk for falling, which I have. It put me with having such intractable severe pain widespread and locally to the point my medications which is a fairly high dose (not subjective as I’m on a higher dose than most post surgical patients but less than pallative/hospice care) that my current medication regimen couldn’t touch the pain I was in.

It also put me in more physical pain that’s unbearable 99% of the time and even if I don’t complain (which truthfully I do complain a lot) it emanates out of me, as sometimes I’m in so much pain, I can’t breathe (it’s not cardiac or pulmonary) or speak and I’m unintentionally even if I try to hide it, scaring those who see or care about me the most.

I still get a controlled amount of medication not exceeding MMEs for severe chronic pain peeps.

I get 2 doses a day. I’m not saying how much medication I’m on.

I’ve noticed for the last 2 years (it’s been 3 or 4 since my strength got raised) that for a high dose, it didn’t work well.

The last 2 months especially, I’ve noticed that it was super hit or miss if the meds worked at all, not even helping with being so inactive and being so limited on the most basic of things to do for myself, such as walking and shopping by myself that I stopped doing that, if I had to do that by myself.

I would every 6 months or so for the last 2 years I’d ask my doctor if I could go higher in my strength.

Then finally with the fact that I’d have trouble losing this weight given how much severe pain I’m in the last time, I finally asked on Wednesday not being able to bear this, with my physician,  if BOTH my dose and frequency could be raised, as any less than my current strength, doesn’t work very well.

I get the pressure that doctors up against with the opioid crisis, I’m not going to repeat myself, I’ve discussed this in MANY other blogs, as well as I’m not insensitive to the horrific deaths that of occurred because of it.

The problem is some people who wouldn’t be looking for a dealer normally now, are starting to die, because they are in so much pain, that when they get pulled off their meds, suddenly they don’t know how to cope with such severe life limiting pain.

And while I know from the pain, I live in a place where drug addiction and unfortunately accidental overdoses is rampant. My local EMS people are probably in my apartment building because of that, about 3-4 times a week administering Naloxone.

Not everyone in my building or on my block is a drug addict or distributor but quite a few are.

And it’s terrifying to live amongst them, if I’m truthful, even if I’m empathetic to their disease, as far as the addicts are concerned.

When I talked to my physician in the morning on Wednesday, she really was at a loss what to do with my opiate tolerance, she didn’t feel comfortable raising my meds, at first suggested either other opiates that I haven’t tolerated well, if not terribly and then asked if she could consult her pain management specialist at her facility and call me back that evening.

Which when she did call me back Wednesday evening, I found that I’m going to be taken off my medications (I’m on other controlled substances with a therapeutic benefit) being given the opiate party line that most providers are using now.

I’m NOT mad at her. I know she is doing what she only feels is right, ethically.

And she always has had a holistic approach to health.

And while we always respectfully agree to disagree, I vehemently disagree with this decision given the dire consequences it’s already going to have on my life that’s been reduced beyond recognition, something she would know, as she’s been treating me for so long.

I ONLY found out early Friday morning, that Medicare and a lot of health insurance companies are no longer going to cover opiates in any other case except cancer or terminal cases, starting in 2019.

Ironically, prior to knowing my medication status from a prescribing and insurance perspective, after mulling it over for the last 2 years, 2 weeks ago I signed a DNR.

I haven’t been able though to leave my home or get out far enough by myself to get my DNR notarized and filed, because my pain levels are too high.

When I last saw my primary care physician at an appointment, in  the end of March of 2018, I asked her about it and she said that she would do her end and  that she respected my right to choose that.

It’s pretty extensive DNR that I’ve filled out, NO life saving measures of any kind.

Only comfort care measures are in my DNR.

And guess what, the person who has all these issues with medications, is super sensitive to IV meds, including narcotics, most I can’t tolerate at all, others I have to be treated for migraines and hives, so it’s good all of that’s in my DNR, if I can’t speak on my behalf, it will for me.

I’m NOT suicidal.

I don’t get a choice of disability sets, and how they are rapidly changing me medically and cognitive  I don’t get a choice at all going forward, of therapeutic treatments, but thank goodness at the age of 48, I get a say so on WHEN I can die, if it’s not mental health related.

And it’s NOT.

I feel terrified and devastated , like I’m sure other people who are in similar situations like I am, where they’re going to lose meds that are a last resort but help so much in quality of life and they are going to spend the rest of their lives in unbearable pain.

AGAIN, this is NOT about being insensitive to the opiate crisis and the deaths from that.

This has EVERYTHING to do with physicians, government and insurers saying because I’m not a drug addict, I don’t get anything even though pain meds for me were a last resort.

I’ve said as an activist, wisely, in the past,  that “you can’t legislate addiction away”.

Even more sadly,  is that I get that if I wasn’t lucky enough to escape intractable severe pain, at least I was spared an addiction to drugs and in my case I’m committed that if I can’t get pain relief from a physician where the meds and my usage is monitored, that I don’t want the HELL, that comes from the desperation that both legal and illegal opioid addiction creates, nor do I want to die that way.

I see how bad it is to live that way, where I live and I just don’t want any part of that, but am grateful that it is still a choice for me and I get that it isn’t for everyone.

I’m also not mad, nor am I saying with malice, had I become addicted to pills and then found a dealer and became addicted to illegal substances,  I’d get methadone or Suboxone.

BUT, because I’m not a addicted to drugs, I am NOW going to get NOTHING.

Again, I’m not saying anything to try and hurt those who’ve lost loved ones due to opioid addiction.

But all sides of the Opioid Epidemic should be heard, including those who are going to be victims being sentenced to a life of uncontrollable severe pain because they’ve exhausted other therapies and nothing else works for them.

Because while it’s well intentioned at best, it’s repugnant at worst, getting rid of the ability to access opiates safely and affordably and with monitoring,  will ONLY make the opioid crisis worse for almost everyone, as some people will skip even mentioning having pain and go straight to dealers, as well as it’s going to be a dealers paradise, with prohibition of access to safely allocation and monitoring of legal opioids, it’s naive to think this doesn’t warrant more of a discussion on how to deal with those in crisis with drugs.

And those of us in crisis or could be, due to unbearable pain and have to live the rest of our lives that way, going forward who are no longer going to be able to access medications that give us any kind of quality of life, who are responsibly using them, is a travesty, don’t think it’s anything other than that.

Note: I will ONLY publish constructive feedback or dialogue. Thanks!!!

Additional Note: Unfortunately edits I thought took place prior to publishing didn’t and could be misconstrued, I only was able to do something about it, 5 minutes after publication of blog.

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I want to make a point, so I’ll try to keep this both concise and classy…

Even though the snarky side of me wants to tell Derick Dillard, that if he’s looking to find travesties, he don’t have to look very far, he’s got one in his own brother in law!!!

Because as of late, there’s so many bad things to worry about, one of the things I do use to cheer me up, when You Tube binging, is watching clips either on Oprah/OWN or TLC regarding both Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent, even though I’ve been following Nate for a long time, since Queen Oprah introduced him to the world and his mother, Nancy Golden when she was my favorite designer on HGTV’s show “Design on A Dime” almost if not over 20 years ago, when I was a single mother of 1, of modest means.

There’s always been something extraordinary about Nate Berkus, way before he lost his partner in a tsunami in 2004, that went beyond making a home, that’s probably why he not only captured people’s attention before then, but their hearts, as well.

Then as we saw the brutally honest pain that he went through after his tragic loss when in deep mourning, only sharing it to help others.

And then seeing him discover joy with Jeremiah Brent, where they again, don’t just help people design a home, they put so much of their heart in it, anyone who bears witness to that, can’t help but be inspired of them and learn how to love better, because of them.

I’d watch Nate and Jeremiah tediously build ugly small cities with popsicle sticks, cause they’re smart, funny, real, they’re lit within and beautiful inside and out.

I’d stick a fork in my eye, before I’d watch anything Dillard/Duggar related, even though like I have more time in the world, than almost ANYONE,  it’s not that I wish the entire clan bad, I just wish some of the would just GO AWAY.

Especially,  if you don’t have anything nice to say, which in Derick Dillard’s case, it seems like a matter of jealousy and spite, that 2 men who love each other (see above meme) but are so admired and adored for so many reasons, STILL have such a strong place in people’s hearts AND a television show.

And Derick Dillard DOES NOT.

Note: I will NOT publish anything hateful. Thanks!!!

#Toronto

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***Disclaimers: AGAIN, I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, NOR do I have an educational or credentialed backround in ANY way, in public safety or law enforcement.

I’m not going to touch upon the horrific terrorism that killed 10 people yesterday and injured approximately 15 people, in Toronto, Canada, yesterday.

Nor am I looking to discuss where I’ve seen briefly on social media, that this particular tragedy could be used to promote a pro-gun agenda (which I’m not necessarily against except when I am, as discussed ad nauseum in other blogs) nor am I looking for the actions of a police officer, who was reluctant to possibly shoot an armed suspected mass murderer, to make a point for those officers in the U.S. who’ve shot unarmed civilians, where others are using this tragedy to make a point for that cause, as well.

I’ll actually be surprisingly on point, with a serious opinion and whether it warrants a future discussion by law enforcement professionals in future similar situations, on the off chance, I’ve missed similar opinions to mine***

I’m sure that my blogs and my skill sets ARE NOT going to have anyone in law enforcement or public safety, locally, nationally or globally, in a hurry to hire me, anytime soon.

It’s not for me to say, in yesterday’s horrific tragedy, whether or not, the Toronto police officer who captured a mass murderer/domestic terrorist, of whether his judgement was off in NOT shooting the suspect.

That Toronto police officer, is a HERO.

BUT, I have GRAVE concerns, that this could set a dangerous precedent in future tragedies, because if someone has the ability and desire to kill as many innocent people going about their day, as possible, they’d have NO problem, shooting an a police officer, when apprehended.

I’m going to have to assume, that police officers, whether in the United States or globally, when faced in dangerous situations, will use their best judgement in life or death situations, with others or in the matters of their own lives, when at risk.

I’m not trying to take away anything from a heroic officer, but because I feel that his exact judgement in another circumstance could lead to a police officer fatality/fatalities and/or more civilian fatalities, on what was already a horrific tragedy.

I AM just saying this perhaps warrants further discussion in the law enforcement communities, globally  AND how it’s being reported by multiple media outlets, of when police officers choose to or not, shoot potentially armed violent criminals.

Note: I will NOT publish anything that’s not constructive. I have NO problem being usually a wordy anti-homicide activist who cares about innocent people and law enforcement, especially in life or death situations. Thanks!!!

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*Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I am not a medical or mental health professional. Nor do I have an education in matters of law, politics and law enforcement.

I had to think VERY carefully about writing this blog, given all the circumstances. One thing I have going for me, as a disabled activist who loathes social media and has no desire to become famous or ever go viral, is the chances of that happening, even with this particular topic matter, is highly UNLIKELY, given my miniscule footprint on both social media and the internet at large.

While I worry and I write about a lot of things and I’m not best suited to tackle so specifically my concerns about someone who’s in a lot of trouble and is famous with notoriety and now in legal jeopardy, the ONLY reason why I’m writing about this, is because I’m concerned about Michael Cohen’s possible state of mind and feel a responsibility as an activist, to bring this up and hope I’m wrong, even though freedom of speech and expression has NEVER been in more jeopardy for writers, I’d rather risk writing something that I’m concerned about, but that NO ONE is talking about, then NOT say anything and be right in my concerns but not say anything and something terrible happens.

It’s not for me or anyone outside of law enforcement who hasn’t been a victim of his misactions  to judge and act as a jury,  of how Mr. Cohen found himself in the legal circumstances he’s in, it’s only my duty as an activist to point out, that it’s not totally out of left field that for how much scrutiny he’s facing, that I’m concerned for his mental wellbeing, given the circumstances. *

I REALLY didn’t want to write this blog.

I REALLY didn’t want to use the “meme” that I used above, for this particular purpose.

The majority of my blogs and my activism deal with people who are victims of serious trauma or horrific circumstances, whether it be childhood rape or childhood cancer.

As well as the blogs that I don’t write about people, but worry about, such as those  who suffer such atrocities such as being victims in war ravaged countries, those who are dying in third world countries everyday due to starvation and disease.

While a lot of my blogs are about atrocities that can happen in first world countries, such as the United States, I very rarely touch people who are at risk due to bad judgement or have been accused of constantly being in unethical dealings with other people, who could be at risk, when in an enormous amount of trouble.

I’d be lying by omission, if I didn’t admit that my reasons ARE NOT completely altruistic, in worrying about the state of Michael Cohen’s mental health and what that could possibly lead to, if for any reason, he would die, suddenly.

But in this case, I have a responsibility as a mental health activist and I don’t think given how much trouble he’s in, in so many ways, that’s it’s totally out of left field, that when faced with all this scrutiny and legal jeopardy and his life being in shambles, that for his sake and that of his family’s, that he’s way stronger than I’m giving him credit for now.

I don’t know him, again, I’m not a mental health professional, just a mental health activist.

And while I hope I’m completely wrong in my being any way concerned about his mental health and mental fitness, of where he is right now, if I’m not, I hope for his sake, and that of his family, that he’s surrounded by the support systems he needs to survive what he’s going through now.

That’s all.

Note: All constructive feedback and dialogue is welcomed. Save your hate. And anyone who’s in a position, given now the threat that freedom of speech and opinion that’s especially NOT being stated with ANY malice, whatsoever, ya can’t blood out of a turnip, ya know, RIGHT???  Thanks!!!

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(for my international readers http://www.befrienders.org)

*Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained or credentialed medical or mental health professional, nor am I am a professionally trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety. I will ALWAYS encourage people in crisis to seek acute professional help in an appropriate setting or if necessary, contact emergency services.

(There also will be profanity, in this blog and honest talk about living and dying from addiction and the human predilection for addiction, if that’s offensive, PLEASE don’t read) *

I won’t BACK down!!!

Shit, wrong artist!!!

NO, I’m not being glib.

On this second anniversary of Prince’s death, where initially, I had a fear that I didn’t want Prince to be the poster child for accidental illegal drug overdose, I decided it was more important as an activist to make sure he didn’t die in vain.

It was driven home more, when Tom Petty died under similar circumstances, involving the drug Fentanyl last year, as well as other famous beloved people, as well as those of us who lose loved ones in death or in the depths of despair due to drug addiction, every year.

I’ve gone on record, so to speak, in past blogs in greater detail, that I think Fentanyl is a fucking EVIL drug.

Heroin is, too.

But any substance or entity that can cause addictive behaviors in humans that ruin their lives, if not end them, can be considered “evil”, to at least someone.

I tried before starting this blog, to find a “quote meme” that would do addiction “justice” on this 2nd anniversary of Prince’s death and for anyone who could relate.

I defaulted to above “meme” only because I figured I’d be better serving my readers, resources, as well as trying to be a part of the dialogue on honest talk about addiction.

I have addiction issues and an addictive personality.

I ONLY escaped drug addiction, due to the either horrific side effects of them or because I metabolize other drugs (prescription and/or not illegal) so quickly, that it’s difficult physiologically to build up an addiction to them.

I’m only injecting my personal issues with addiction, as this is a blog, it’s not an article and it’s not something that would be too helpful for me to go on in more detail, like I have in previous blogs about my own personal demons, which I have.

But it would be disingenous to write a blog about addiction in others, without disclosing my own issues, at least acknowledging that they most definitely exist.

Living in the hometown of Prince, there is a celebration of his life this weekend, on this 2nd anniversary of his death and I get why for all of those who loved him and his music, of why that’s so important to take place.

But if I’m going to be honest, even though I’m not a super fan, as much as I know about addiction and human strengths and human frailities, there’s a part of me that’s SO angry, that he’s gone.

As well as now, Tom Petty, like I said before.

Or my friend “N” who died almost 6 years ago, when in medical crisis, she developed an addiction after being on IV narcs due to extended hospitalizations and ended up with a heroin addiction, that NO ONE knew about, until she accidently overdosed from a bad batch of Heroin.

I consider myself “lucky” to a certain extent, as much as anyone who suffers and has to deal day to day with severe persistent mental health issues and intractable severe widespread and localized physical pain, that drugs never became a crisis situation for me, either living with a drug addiction or nearly dying from one, other than my suicide attempt almost 10 years ago, where I tried to intentionally overdose on prescribed narcotics for me.

But I think of Prince or my friend N and they died before they could see so many things, as locals to Minneapolis, as well as anyone who loses loved ones due to addiction.

As far as Prince, he missed U.S Bank Stadium being finally completed, he missed  “52”!!!

I don’t think and I’m not trying to come of self serving, that I don’t get as mad about the genius of him and his ability to create music that we could related to, being cut so short, as much as I get angry and sad, about his right to would’ve been to live his life, that was cut short, due to the depth of an addiction, that really NO ONE could’ve said, could’ve been avoided.

What exactly do I mean by that???

Because most people if they don’t have severe chronic pain OR they are afraid of using any kind of opiate or strong presciption pain medication or wouldn’t think of using any kind of street drug, have NO idea of what it’s like to not only be a slave to addiction, but to be in so much pain physically, that it alone becomes soul crushing and then you add addiction to a substance/s on top of it.

What’s exactly the answer to this then, with addiction to drugs or anything else, that ruins people’s lives, if NOT, actually ENDS them???

Because while people can try to legislate any substance or anything that can be abused or cause a fatality/fatalities, a wise blogger once said (ME!!!) that “You CANNOT legislate addiction, AWAY”.

Not everything that causes addiction in one person, will cause addiction in another.

I can’t say what the cure or the answer is to addiction of drugs (prescription or illegal) or any kind of addiction that ruins lives, if not ends them.

What’s in the root of addiction and what the recovery of what one’s person’s addiction will look like, will vary being as unique, as we all are.

But we have to acknowledge that most humans are addicted to something and try to find different alternative approaches to prevention, evaluation and treatment of addictions.

That CANNOT happen though, with moral judgements and/or stigma.

Note: Constructive feedback, ONLY, please. Thanks!!!

 

 

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Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically or credentially  trained professional in medical, mental health, law enforcement and/or  in public safety. IF anyone you know is in crisis and is a danger to themselves or others,  please contact law enforcement immediately, on my previous blog to this one, I have dozens of national links and one global link on my previous blog.

Unfortunately, the above disclaimer wouldn’t have done any good, yesterday.

I’m talking about the attempted potential mass murder and suicide of a shooter at the You Tube Headquarters in San Bruno, California, yesterday.

Her family did the right thing.

And this blog and my intentions isn’t to cast blame on anyone but the shooter.

And ask once again, could’ve anything been done to prevent this, well with initiatives, at least and what they need to look like, at this point.

But because as an activist, while I rely on quotes and the work of Dr. Martin Luther King, to help inspire me. I’m going to look at using some of his work, to help in hopes that at least some of these tragedies can possibly be prevented, that go beyond gun control and mental health awareness, which I believe in, I just don’t believe it’s enough.

On this 50th anniversary of MLK’s assassination, I’m looking to his work tonight, to bring out his wisdom and kindness in such a scary digital age, 5 decades later to see if any of these tragedies can be prevented, possibly.

I had thought yesterday after the shooting and the news coverage, once the shooter was identified as being dead, I’d leave this alone.

I spent yesterday morning running errands and had an afternoon appointment when I came home to decompress and lots of times I do that by watching You Tube, as I have a paid account (YouTube Red) and no cable.

Only when taking a quick break to check on email, about 20 minutes after it started to trend about an active shooter situation.

But the motives and end results, where in this case, one of the victims is still in critical condition, these happen too often with different motives of the shooter and different degrees of horrifying end outcomes.

I spent most of my morning yesterday, explaining in random details to the person helping me run errands, prior to the tragedy yesterday, of explaining why I do something in regards to murder/suicide prevention, as a blogger and activist.

I don’t think I’m the most qualified (hardly), but it’s something that’s now almost becoming a daily horrifying tragedy in the United States with varying opinions arguing who’s the more right but no professional insight from those trained in dealing with abnormal/trauma psychiatry or psychology.

The above quote by MLK I think could do a lot in preventing these tragedies from occurring, as far as teaching forgiveness, kindness and empathy and and how to productively deal with rejection and rage, from the time people are young.

But when talking about this tragedy on Facebook, I brought up something and it’s something to consider.

I have to wonder if some of these tragedies are based in an abhorrent/abnormal mindset of “emotional self defense” of the worst kind.

Meaning people when feeling wronged, it’s okay to be upset, it’s not okay to take away people’s inherent right to peace of mind, not at the expense of others, nor at the expense of human life, EXCEPT when people are in a situation of mortal danger, but some people are not seeming to rationally realize this, at this point.

I have the expression about myself that I’m “damaged but not dangerous” and while there’s a lot of things I don’t like about myself or my life and while I’m pondering if there’s more I can do to be a more productive human being, I can say that trying to help people learn in a constructive way, from my own personal tragedies, may have not led to physical wealth and the ultimate in personal success, but I can feel at least a small sense of pride, that what I went through, it wasn’t in vain.

And I’m not saying that all people should be this way, I do believe people have to find their own way in the world, but whether or not someone is capable of forgiveness, they shouldn’t be capable of such short sighted but irrevocable revenge, especially when it comes to loss of life, in situations that aren’t literally a matter of life or death, if EVER.

As I’ve said before in previous blogs, I use the internet to have some quality of life, I don’t think it’s good for people who even make a living on social media, to make a life or live life on the multiple platforms of social media, that are now available to us.

And that mental health and/or fitness (which yes, it’s possible, even when having different mental illnesses) and agility, is EQUALLY important as physical health.

And also as I’ve said in recent blogs and blogs for years now, on the topic of mass murder and murder/suicide rooted in rejection and rage (or for ANY reason), teaching that there is no shame in getting help for oneself and maybe we need to teach people how to help themselves, get acute professional help, whenever it’s possible, before they hurt and/or kill themselves and others.

So when I’m sad that we live in such a divided angry society with a growing daily body count of innocent others, I’m going to continue to ask myself “What would MLK do???”.

So that he didn’t die in vain and the many people now, who are continuing to die because of deadly violent rage.

And maybe it would help others, to do the same.

Peace….

Note: Blog being published on 4-4-2018. Constructive input welcomed. No hate, please.

And while it makes me nauseous to have to say this, if one can’t find comfort and wisdom in the works of MLK, there’s always Mr. Rogers, K?

Thanks!!!

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Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical, mental health or credientialed in public safety, law enforcement and in social services.

The ONLY reason why I keep writing these blogs about domestic murder/suicides is that they keep happening and there is NO specific initiative in place. I found one murder/suicide initiative that was started 20 years ago, but it was only in respect to female partners being killed by their male partner.

I don’t know how many more people have to innocently die, especially when whole entire immediate families are dying this way, without more initiatives in place for prevention and/or rehabilitation.

I ask respectfully though, I do these blogs, where my immediate family knows somewhat of why I keep doing this, but they are really private people and in hopes of making sense and there being a greater purpose that we went through wasn’t in vain.

But an activist/blogger who purposely doesn’t want a lot of attention and is disabled, I’m limited on what I can do. I hope those who have more resources or stories of where they were in crisis but got help before irreversible tragedy happened or clinical trained professionals in abnormal psychology, can speak up on ideas, if it’s possible for prevention.

I will say my normal disclaimer, if you or someone you love, is in DANGER of hurting themselves or others, please seek immediate acute help by calling 911 (or because I’m read outside of the U.S and North America emergency services in your area or looking up http://www.befrienders.org) immediately.

Editorial Note: This majority of this  blog was written on 3/29/2018, I hesitated in publishing it under the assumption that it was a domestic murder/suicide, even though it had the signs of one until more data was released, that I just caught today. It was unclear at the time of publishing due to conflicting news, of where it is possible that there were 3 surviving children, it still doesn’t change the nature or the point I’m trying to make in the blog, it’s still beyond tragic.

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I had just noticed the story, yesterday. Where a family of 8, where they had MN roots like I do, but were living on the West Coast, that the 2 parents and 3 of their children, their bodies earlier this week were found, after their vehicle had gone off a road into the Pacific Ocean.

Because the family had 3 other siblings, it’s now being suspected they died, as well, even though their bodies haven’t been found yet.

There has been talk because the mothers had a recent child neglect/abuse claim against them, if that was the motive, possibly, of their deaths.

When family and friends of the victims were interviewed, they were noted to be nice people who were activists for positive change, even though some of their neighbors found some of the behaviors in the parents questionable, as far as the children not being taken care of properly.

None of the above am I making any judgement nor at the same time, excusing.

While I remember the good mother I was 20 years ago, I also remember the neglectful mother I became a little over 10 years ago, when in medical and mental health crisis.

While I’ve written many blogs about that period of time, in hopes to remove stigma, I’ve written many more blogs about domestic murder/suicide that involve children, there is one topic that I have NOT brought up when it comes to these horrific tragedies, that I do have to wonder, if it places apart, even though I don’t and will NEVER understand it.

I remember when I was that shamefilled terrified mother of 2, worried about the possibility of my children being taken away, while I somewhat was aware of the fact, that my parents or sisters would never let that happen, I also was terrified if something should happen where my kids would be taken away and be put in a system, where they be physically assaulted or raped.

I knew after having a past history of doing both volunteer work in a battered woman’s shelter and also facilitating a single parent support group, that is hard working as our Department of Human Services staff are, they are extremely overworked, underpaid and underappreciated.

That hasn’t changed since 1988/89 when I was a volunteer at that battered woman’s shelter, in 1998 when I worked as a single parent faciliator of a support group with my local YMCA (when one is considered a mandated reporter, just like I consider myself now, being such a serious activist but responding to personal queries for medical/mh help) and it was the same when I found myself 10 years later, with my own CPS and APS case in 2007 for hoarding and a brief one, post suicide attempt in 2008, where I didn’t fight where my children were going to be, only fought my potentially being committed.

Although my CPS worker in 2007 did see that there was love in my home and my kids’s basic needs were being met and she met with me weekly for months prior to my case being discharged, as well as I was ordered to be in therapy and that manditory cleanup, which she helped participate in.

It’s not for me to second guess that the kids were NOT immediately removed from their home.

If parents seem loving but are struggling, the last thing DHS/CPS  (or any similar agency in one’s locale) is rip kids from a loving home, even if it is unstable and sometimes doing that can be more traumatic for a child and/or children than leaving them with their parents.

The point I’m trying to make and unfortunately we may never know in these circumstances of why this family was wiped out or in other cases where it seemed like loving parents that I’ve wrote about (or even families that I haven’t) take out their entire family including children, is maybe due to some kind of HORRIBLY misguided sense of LOVE.

I can’t even try to wrap my head around that, though.

I can understand where people feel so trapped that sometimes and I’m choosing my words, very, very, very carefully, that suicide can not only feel like it’s the only choice that someone can make for themselves, it’s not necessarily hate based but out of compassion for one’s self, depending on their degree of suffering.

But ending someone elses life, ever or especially in a case, where it’s one’s child or partner, I don’t understand that and am only trying to, identify potential motives in these tragedies,  to be a better activist in the name of prevention of these horrible tragedies that keep happening over and over again.

If I had a chance where I’d have the opportunity, which I will NOW, as far as this blog being written, I’d beg someone to get serious help before hurting themselves and others, let alone killing them.

I’d beg them to see that even in our worst trying times, things can get better, even if it may take a long time, but that no one has the right to take the peace of mind or to take the right of life FOR  someone else.

I don’t see in this case, unless it comes out that the parents involved talked to someone else about the problems and or concern of what the tragic end outcome was in this case, that it could’ve necessarily been prevented.

But for a family that adopted children in hopes to give them a better life, as well as the good things they did throughout their lives (which unfortunately ultimately doesn’t matter, if one or both parents were responsible in the deaths of their children) and for their lives, ultimately, to end in the worst way possible,

I hope this can start a dialogue and a movement for prevention and rehabilitation initiatives, so that this ENTIRE family, like families before them, didn’t die in vain.

It just goes beyond the scope of my comprehension of any one human beings last memory of being murdered, but especially by someone who they love more than anything.

And that’s probably why I won’t stop blogging about this, until major initiatives are in place, for prevention of these horrific tragedies, happening over and over again.

Note: Please, only constructive feedback is wanted. I honestly wish I had more resources at my disposal to do more in prevention than blogging about it. Thanks!!!

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