It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…


Disclaimers: I’m NOT  a clinically medical or mental health professional. PERIOD. I have some leeway, over other bariatric patients in the bariatric community as a whole, because given the length of time I’ve been helping people when it comes to subject matter. While I will always tell people in medical and/or mental health crisis to seek clinically trained guidance, when it comes to anything, including a gastric bypass reversal, I have some leeway, given that I’m so public about my reversal and for how many people I’ve helped.

For as much as I’ve been blogging, I’ve noticed a strange trend on here, as of late.

While I’m fully aware, that most of my topics are relevant usually to Americans, usually my bariatric surgery related blogs, reversal themed or not, get read a lot in outside the United States, primarily in Europe.
A strange trend though has taken place, in the last several months, though.

A lot of my reversal blogs are being read in Asia and Africa.

Without a followup personal query.

Which is leaving me quite perplexed.

As there is only really a handful of us, who’s talking about gastric bypass reversals, where it reaches a global scale.

That would be myself, my social media bud Sue Joan (who helped me enormously when I had my reversal) and Frankenbelly Misty Trask, who also vlogs and blogs about reversals, and is an amazing ally in support, as well as her desire to help, has led her to start a dedicated reversal support group on Facebook, for the last several years that she runs.

There are other people of course, but us 3, are usually the ones who are contacted the most, globally.

As well as the book that Dani Hart wrote, well over a decade ago, regarding gastric bypass  reversals, but I haven’t found her on social media, at all.

Most people, if they have any kind of curiosity about a gastric bypass reversal, would be surprised to know that I spend almost as much time equally talking someone OUT of wanting a gastric bypass reversal, than into one.

Also, while I had a bariatric surgeon who was nationally AND globally ranked (as he teaches procedures outside of the U.S. or at least he used to) and regarded who did both my gastric bypass and reversal, I absolutely KNOW nothing that might translate well, in helping others, who and/or where the surgery procedures for both bariatric surgeries and takedowns of them in other countries/continents (other than vertical sleeve gastrectomies which are not reversible but they also are usually considered the least invasive of bariatric surgeries, even with approximately  80% of the stomach being removed), that there is some kind of irony, that my reversal has gotten so much global attention.

This though, is NOT why I’m writing this blog.

I’m writing it, because I do have a desire that NO ONE goes through the reversal process, if surgically indicated that it’s necessary, alone.

But truthfully, this is where the “advanced” but doesn’t mean squat, comes in.

I couldn’t tell someone from a different country or continent anymore about any potential of a  predictable outcome because there’s no such thing, for a reversal, out of the country or continent, than I could if they were in North America or the United States.

I’m definitely NOT saying that I don’t possess the skill sets, even as a non clinically trained provider to metaphorically “hold someone’s hand”, while they go through the process.

I just can’t, just like NO ONE can, guarantee the length of recovery or what their recovery and ultimate  long term outcome can and/or will be or what it will look like.

That doesn’t mean that I’m going to not help people regardless of country or continent they reside in, of trying to help when I can.

The very nature of a reversal being needed, as I’ve tried to state, makes any kind of prediction on how an outcome, well, unpredictable.

That though is in no way expressing, that if a surgeon is recommending a reversal, a patient should not go through with it, because the outcome is unpredictable, it’s unpredictable but it’s life saving and life enhancing compared to the risk of potential deadly complications and or life ruining ones, if a serious intervention like a reversal doesn’t happen but it’s needed.

Just because I had a reversal from such a brilliant surgeon who teaches procedures all over the world, doesn’t make me an expert in all things regarding gastric bypass reversals, especially the physiology component.

I didn’t go to medical school and I’m NOT  a surgeon.

I just because of irony, bad luck and a desire to help others, possess the knowledge that very few peers would have, when it comes to this topic, that’s it.

It’s A LOT though.

Given how many people I’ve enormously helped in the last 7 1/2  years.

What may I suggest for sources of support and/or information, if a surgeon regardless of country and/or continent of residence in a bariatric patient suggests a gastric bypass reversal:

And unfortunately I can’t copy and paste links.

Use both search engines (i.e Google) and You Tube and there’s a ton of information in articles and videos.

While the surgeon videos are helpful, it’s also extremely helpful on You Tube to hear from others who’ve had reversals.

Note though, that there are patient limitations, as well as professional ones, on how much we can help specifically, for multiple reasons.

Such as our beloved Grace, who has videos on You Tube and various bariatric community threads and I’ve seen people write nasty things because she didn’t respond back on her videos and/or threads online.

Grace sadly passed away a few years ago, non reversal related.

People like Frankenbelly Misty Trask, she vlogs on You Tube and blogs, as well as admins that reversal support group on Facebook.

If you use a search engine you can find Sue J. ‘s work who’s been helping people with bariatric complications for many years by “googling” suesaysthings.

I blog about about reversals on this blog site and at Obesity Help.

But respect our limitations, OK?

We help because we believe in comprehensive  support. While nothing I do is monetized and I can only speak for myself, even for those who can monetize their support services, they aren’t making very much, if ANY money, if it’s peer support driven.

Be honest when asked questions by someone who’s trying to help you in this capacity, as far as one’s gastric bypass reversal.

We’re NOT asking because we’re nosy. I ask detailed questions, to a potential reversal patient, even though I’m NOT a clinically trained provider, to give the best support and insight as possible.

I can’t do that, if certain questions aren’t answered, when I ask them.

But if you choose to lie, realize whether it’s one of us peers or a clinically trained professional, most of us, have done this long enough, to know when someone is NOT being truthful.

For those who contact others about needing support and information, be RESPECTFUL.

I’m not, nor is others doing it for our own sake, other than wanting to provide valuable support.

I put boundaries that are necessary for everyone’s safety, both yours and mine.

As an activist especially, I have a duty to warn and protect and I take that very seriously.

IF I suspect that someone is behaving in a manner that could be harmful to themselves or others, I can’t nor can any peer or even clinical professional, resolve that, in an acute sense, I’m going to have to report any kind of suspicious or dangerous thinking and/or behaviors to emergency responders in one’s location.

That’s why I limit helping people to email queries, exclusively.

Although I’m pretty saavy on being able to find people, if I have their email address and I suspect they possibly will self harm.

I don’t give my phone number out any longer, because it/and myself was verbally abused, a long time ago.

For my sake, while I will try to participate when I see queries all over the internet, I’m NOT on social media, much.

But my blog is one of the first gastric bypass reversal resources that exists, when one uses a search engine.

The last thing and most important, know if you contact me, among others that I both named and not named, all of us try to help.

I know for me, I will with boundaries stated above, help someone to the best of my ability, for as long as it takes, to see them go through the reversal process with support and/or the opposite, where if someone has bariatric surgical regret, wants a reversal and they aren’t a candidate, because they mourn food as a coping mechanism, and I warn pre-ops they shouldn’t ever expect that their bariatric surgery can be reversed and support those who mourn food, in positive redirection knowing that a reversal may not guarantee an ability to return to eat normally, because those patients aren’t going to get one for that reason, as well as the other risks.

I don’t expect anything more except hopefully, respect and possibly a thank you for those I go out of my way to help.

But if I invest my time and my caring, just like any of us, to talk to someone for several months or if not several years on the internet and if one can’t be bothered to be respectful or grateful (luckily those people are few and far between) don’t get mad when you’re not in acute medical and/or mental health crisis, any longer, that I will sever contact at that point.

I don’t mind helping as much and as long as it takes to help someone, especially if they’re appreciative.

I do mind, and so will your surgeon, as well as it will set off warning bells, if one is belligerent to a person trying to help another.

As not only do I have my own problems, as well as other people I help who are in crisis but  grateful for my help,  a bariatric  surgeon will be concerned on doing any kind of surgery on a patient where they’re questioning a patient’s mental fitness and potential compliance of what a reversal takes, if a patient comes off rude, mean and/or a know it all.

I know this was wordy, but given again, the nature of how much this topic is still being researched, I figured it deserved another blog on how to best help patients when they need a gastric bypass reversal.

And when they don’t.

Note: I don’t mind constructive feedback. Any rude comments will NOT be addressed. Thanks!!!












Disclaimers: This blog is NOT  meant to do any kind of activism, it’s just meant to be funny and probably will contain profanity.

I notice a trend with my blogs, people like my funny side or my serious side if I use profanity or when I’m more trainwrecky.

But on the offchance, I make a valid life or death type of concise statement or observation, my blogs just don’t get read.

#1 Superficial thing that drives me NUTS about my online life???

Okay, I’ll back up a bit.

As I picked a “meme” that’s only appropriate, because this particular top annoyance involves businesses that I frequent that have loyalty/reward email clubs.


Meaning businesses that have loyalty/reward clubs and the benefits from them.

I HATE COOKING and I’m really bad at it on a GOOD day.

On a BAD day, I’m a fucking public safety hazard, in a kitchen.

So if you don’t have a ton of funds and you live in an expensive city with not a lot of options for groceries, I usually eat takeout or delivery until I fucking run out of money.

And yeah, it’s completely safe to assume, I am NEVER fucking going to blog about fiscal responsibility.

So, I join a lot of email clubs, cause I love a bargain, whenever I can get one, restaurants, retail, hospitality, blah blah.

And here comes my main annoyance with these clubs, that I’m taking a break from serious activism (partially for my peace of mind) to point out something that fucking seriously annoys me when joining them.

Especially restaurants and as a marketing major in the fucking olden days, I get it.

What I don’t fucking understand, in the internet ERA is why whenever I fucking join an email club, the year starts out with either fucking 1917 or 2018.

But that’s been the case for years.

And it’s seriously fucking annoying to scroll down to the year 1969.

Cause that’s about 412 fucking seconds of my life I’m not going to get back.

I’m HONESTLY not trying to be an ageist asshole.

I just would really like to fucking know, of how many 100 and 101 year olds and babies and fetuses are exactly joining these clubs???

SO, if anyone can fucking answer this pressing question of mine, I’d really like an answer.

Or feel free to share a superficial major annoyance of yours, as well…

Note: I love constructive dialogue. Or witty rapport.

What I fucking don’t love is ANY KIND of food, fitness and/or financial advice.


Note: I actually constructed a fairly well written blog, for once. Edits I made, didn’t take place before publishing and the 2 lapover words aren’t on me (for a refreshing change) , but on WP.


Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained professional. I will ALWAYS implore people in crisis to seek immediate clinically trained professional medical and mental health help and/or immediate help from law enforcement by calling 911.

The problem with above disclaimer, as exhibited in a blog from a few days ago and  with this particular blog,  which is to discuss another horrific murder/suicide that occurred on Tuesday, both involve members of the military who were in crisis.

I understand fully, that no one has asked me or expects a disabled blogger to solve complex crimes like murder/suicide or massacres.

But the problem IS, NO ONE is talking about it, from a professional point of view, in hopes to prevent these tragedies from occurring over and over again.

The horrific tragedy in California took place by someone who was actively seeking treatment but got kicked out of a program and there wasn’t any safety net, which I’m definitely not blaming anyone.

The horrific domestic murder/suicide that took place in the state of Washington, on Tuesday,was committed by a man, where it was talked about  a potential of marital discord, but the man after killing his family, had the horrible misguided enough sense of presence of mind to call 911, to report that he committed the murders and would be commiting suicide and THANK the first responders he spoke to, but NOT enough presence of mind to stop himself from killing his entire family and himself, in the first place.

When I went researching for initiatives, I found a lot of research, by both federal, state and educational entities on murder/suicide.

What I DID NOT find was INITIATIVES for PREVENTION of murder/suicides.

I hope those who are formally clinically trained in dealing with traumatic events of this nature, will speak up.

I hope that any news entity that reports these crimes, will question the lack of support systems for people in crisis who are capable of doing so much good in their lives, but then end innocent others lives and their own, in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE.

I hope that as many initiatives that need to take place to help prevent these tragedies, will FINALLY be created.

I learned when I volunteered in a battered woman’s shelter in my early 20’s, we were taught that the most deadly time for a battered victim was when they left their spouse.

25+ years later, that’s all changed.

Someone with NO record of domestic violence are now taking out their entire families for many complex reasons with NO warning signs and regardless of gender.

Or as ultimate revenge, letting the person they formerly loved but NOW hate, live, but killing the people that person loves the most, with NO warning signs.

Or there ARE warning signs but they are ignored, because no one wants to think of someone they love of being able to do such evil to them or another loved one of theirs.

We live in a society that NOW is showing CLEARLY, that a lot of people need help on how to constructively process hurt, rejection and rage, that doesn’t lead to innocent lives being lost.

And we need to start this when kids are young and continue to reinforce positive and constructive coping mechanisms when dealing with hurt, rejection and rage throughout our entire lives.

And we have to STOP sensationalizing these tragedies.

As they aren’t human interest stories or true crime, they ARE human tragedies.

I guess this my opinion on it.

One that I wish I could stop having to share over and over again.

I really wish though, if anyone has a better idea or a more qualified opinion, they would chime in with it, both on blog and like EVERYWHERE, because it’s really needed now, as these murder/suicides are tragically and senselessly, becoming a horrific daily event.

Note: I’m in NO WAY demonizing the service and sacrifices that our military makes for us, which I like anyone else, am eternally grateful for.

I’m only trying to constructively point out again, the need for more services needed for  both for military and civilians, to reduce the amount of horrific murder/suicides occurring on a daily basis.

Because again, it needs to be reiterated, that sometimes EVIL, can’t be prevented. But too many people who lived most of their lives trying to do good are ending others and their own lives in the worst ways possible and if there is any way to prevent this, we have to start somewhere and we have to start NOW.

So please, I encourage constructive dialogue, in hopes for preventing these tragedies.

Also note: I am though probably going to be taking a break from this topic for awhile, I’ve tried to do it justice, I just really can only hope that others way more qualified, finally chime in.

Important Update: At the time I both wrote and published this blog, the murder/suicide at UAB-Highlands Hospital had not started trending in any of the reputable news organizations I follow nationally and/or locally.

I can only reiterate what I said above and what I’ve said in the last week, month and last several years about  murder/suicide, not touch on 1/100th of them, if that.

I’m just hoping that these deaths do not continue to be in vain, that out of respect for victims and their families and friends, that comprehensive initiatives are created to try and combat this epidemic and horrific tragedies.

So this heartbroken disabled  activist is sending thoughts and prayers for victims, their families and friends,  as well as ideas for action and hopes others who possess the capacity to create concrete action, will do so.



Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in any matters. I’m an activist who just puts her opinions into the digital universe, in hopes that it possibly helps save lives. I’m NOT looking to debate the 2nd amendment nor antagonize grieving communities due to loss of innocent lives due to horrific gun violence.

I’m just trying to wrack my feeble brain, for a solution where people can meet in the middle, to try to find solutions to end all these horrific tragedies that are becoming a horrifying daily reality in our American lives, that’s all.

IF I could ask the head of the CEO of the NRA, a few questions about a few scenarios, this is what I’d ask:

You have a young loved one who dies from anaphylactic shock, because they have a peanut allergy and a product that was cross contaminated accidentally, without warning and that loved one, dies.


You have a loved one who is killed in a car accident because a bar overserves a person too much alcohol, who gets behind the wheel, super drunk and ends up killing your loved one and/or multiple people and innocent people die.

Would you (i.e. the head of the NRA or any of its members) NOT take any action, whatsoever, in those circumstances???

I highly doubt it.

All I’m saying, is that when people sell and/or endorse strongly  a service or manfacture a product they should have an ethical commitment to making sure that product is being used as safe as possible.

ESPECIALLY when it comes to selling weapons and the general public.

I would NEVER own a gun, but I know and respect a lot of people who are proud card carrying members of the NRA.

Who’s judgement I trust enormously, without question or concern.

Instead of being defensive towards grieving communities who’ve lost their loved ones, maybe the NRA could educate more effectively the right way to be a responsible gun owner.

BECAUSE, when a product is being used to kill innocent people EVERYDAY, when innocent others are just going about their daily lives by people who are NOT in control of their lives or their mental fitness, or the product being used to kill, the NRA at this point can continue to double down on their right to own guns and blame the indvidual user.

OR maybe, the NRA could try educating users on responible gun ownership, because the NRA finally thinks of  innocent kids and/or teachers in a school being shot to death, and finally realize that could be their kid or loved one.

Or it could be their innocent loved one who goes to work or a movie and never comes back, due to gun violence.

It’s super easy to do, when the NRA has some  strong honest respected people, across partisan lines, who are responsible proud gun owners who could do PSAs encouraging responsible and ethical gun ownership.

And maybe if the NRA tried that, as well as denouncing those who do NOT use any kind of firearm responsibly, whether it’s a planned mass shooting or a heat of the moment domestic murder/suicide that could possibly save many innocent human lives.

And in maybe doing some kind of education in ethical responsible gun ownership, sponsored by the NRA, both within their communities and outside of them, instead of antagonizing grief stricken communities, we ALL can finally find some common ground to try and prevent all these horrific tragedies, from happening on a daily basis.

I’m NOT asking much, if you really think about it.

And if the NRA won’t bother at a bare minimum, with endorsing comprehensive responsible gun ownership education, then vote in state and federal legislators who WILL.

Note: Naive as blog may be, I’m trying to find some common ground solutions to these tragedies. Constructive dialogue, welcomed. No hate, please.

As I make absolutely NO APOLOGIES, when worrying about the rights to a safe life of a 2nd or 11th grader and/or an innocent adult versus people like mass murderers or  soverign citizens.



Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I a credentialed law enforcement expert.

Unfortunately, NONE of my serious disclaimers would have had a prayer in preventing yesterday’s horrific shooting in Yountville, CA.

I can only bring awareness that people who are trained to protect us, can harm, when in crisis and we need more support services to support prevention initiatives or how to identify those who cannot be rehabilitated.

I usually don’t discuss anything to do with those who’ve served in the military, other than the reverence I have for John McCain (and why I’m bringing him up again, will make sense, later in this blog).

I have no foundation in any kind of life experience in dealing with people who’ve served our country and the kind of post traumatic stress disorder that they can come back with.

Which now in several instances, they’ve gone back to kill both military and civilians when in crisis.

I just think of the death of those 3 women, the psychological trauma of those who had to bear witness to the standoff but weren’t physically injured and it breaks my heart, as I’m sure it does for a lot of people.

In this instance, in Yountville, the murderer was SEEKING treatment, at sometime prior to commiting this horrific tragedy and it still didn’t prevent him from killing 3 innocent people and him dying.

I would like to think, that when members of our military, return to civilian life that there is initiatives in support services of how to acclimate them back into society.

But where it may be relevant, in what I’m thinking, is that a lot of these senseless tragic massacres, in the end, fall into the category of people in crisis, perceiving someone so misguidedly thinking someone else is their mortal enemy.

Because this tragedy just occurred, it’s obviously being investigated, and surely more information will come out.

But it won’t bring back the women who were killed and we OWE them, people who dedicated their lives and career paths in to trying to restore peace of mind, in traumatized military veterans, that they didn’t die in vain.

And while the gun control argument will still be debated, in this case, this was a member of our military, not to mention, anyone with internet access and a desire to kill another, can use other weapons of mass destruction to kill people, so the argument can’t begin and end with gun control and mentally ill people.

This needs something MORE, to prevent these tragedies from happening.

And people who serve our country, if they are taught how to kill people in war, maybe they need help before they are sent off to war on how not be a killing machine, when they come back, and I’m not saying that maliciously, as I have an enormous amount of gratitude for those who serve our country.

BUT….Maybe, we OWE all of those who help us in crisis, whether it be in war, clinically educated, trained and practicing medical and all mental health and all forms of law enforcement professionals and teachers, extensive and comprehensive support services, so they aren’t in their own hellish war that could lead to internal crisis or a crisis that will have a body count.

In what we are facing, with deadly fatalities that are occuring EVERYDAY, of trying harder to prevent them, one day and one crisis at a time.

You don’t have to be a clinically trained professional, to respectfully demand that, from our government, as far as extensive support services for those who serve people in crisis, especially including our military, but also their support staff.

As well as extensive support services for civilians who serve the public, when in crisis of any kind.

But this will NOT be solved by endless arguments of gun control and the mentally ill.

Go past that and for those who want to HELP, multiple initiatives are going to need to take place, so that people don’t keep dying and for those who’ve tragically been taken from us, they didn’t DIE in vain.

“The hard part of a revolution, is not making a revolution, it’s making it’s goals” – John McCain

Note: I will ONLY publish constructive feedback, which means I’m all for any kind of help or advice on this topic, which I know so very little about and am not a clinically trained professional.



Disclaimers: This blog is not going to contain my normal disclaimers when writing a serious blog, because it’s personal in nature versus to accomplish any kind of activism, other than understanding of situations or circumstances in people, that I understand might be difficult, for those of us who live an abnormal life but aren’t capable of hurting other people, at least with malice or intention, if at all.

There may or may not be profanity, because for those who know me in my offline life, know that I do swear, but am sensitive to my audience i.e. not in front clergy, children or people who find profanity, offensive.

I do get why, to an extent people for many complex reasons find me and my life, offensive, maybe they will find it a little less offensive, when knowing a little a bit about why in this era of my life, I conduct myself and my life, the way I do. Thanks!!!

WHOA, I be a blogging a lot, as of late.

While I always have a lot on my mind, for someone who is devoid of normal responsibilities my age, I don’t always feel the need to share it.

But I do know that people in my personal offline life and people who I have social media ties, whether or not they are supportive, still have a curiosity of what I do with the “freedom” I never asked for or wanted and I can’t try to explain that, without explaining they “why”.

I figured the best way to do that, especially as my medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities increase in it’s severity as I get older, is to give people an insight on a “week in my life” of what I did and what I didn’t or won’t do and why.

Sunday 3-4-2018: I never schedule anything on a Sunday. If I am guaranteed to get out, it’s on Saturday and even that’s been sketchy as of late. But I’m exhausted and in a lot of pain from the previous day’s activities where I did get out. I’m also further impacted  by a pesky gallbladder attack that actually led me to go to an urgent care and ER (I usually only seek medical treatment twice a year, with PCP, 3x a year, if she pushes on a specialty) 4 days earlier and I didn’t go to an ER the week prior, when I had an episode for an hour of atrial fibrillation (I”m not prone to cardiac issues, with being a heavy and heavy smoker) but it was at least a good experience that I got partially diagnosed without any judgement (which will also be a topic of another blog!!!) .

I think I wrote a blog and I know because I daily answer inquiries about reversals and other stuff I blog about, as well as affordable housing.

Monday 3-5-2018: I don’t go anywhere again, because I feel physically awful and am exhausted by my anxiety, too. And unfortunately February of 2018’s events led to unusual behaviors in me, that make me run extremely low on meds (this will be a topic for another blog, given my activism regarding addiction) and my physician calls me and actually does okay an early refill on my meds that I normally NEVER would ask her for.

Tuesday 3-6-2018: I STILL don’t go anywhere even though I’m super low on meds and feel terrible, physically. So I cut down on my meds until I run out and don’t do much else other than my daily routine of helping people with inquiries about whatever they read in my blogs.

Wednesday 3-7-2018: I unfortunately have to get out of my house, cause I’m out of meds and food. So I pick up my meds and take the bus to near where my boyfriend lives, in an area I LOVE. My 4 hour adventure completely exhausts me, but at least I know I can resume my normal medication regimen, which helps a little, to be more comfortable 2 hours, twice a day.

Thursday 3-8-2018: I get out for 90 minutes because I have a scheduled appointment with a worker who helps me with errands because I don’t drive, due to my disability waiver. And while I feel like total shit, I can be vulnerable with her, at the same time, amazing her with my desire to help others as well as sometimes great insight into human nature, while at the same time, making her to take me to one particular store for ONE item, that I completely forget why we are going there for, until she reminds me.

As well as awing her with my inability to express that and anything else, in NO logical sequence of order and/or NO complete thought processes in about the 9,271 topics I bring up at once.

Friday: 3-9-2018: I feel like total shit, because in addition to having my normal severe pain, I’m waking up with a migraine (due to my bizarre allergy to the SUN) even though it’s still dark out, that happens in the middle of the night on days that will be sunny. And yes, I have what I call “reverse seasonal affective disorder”, I’m literally dreading Daylight Saving TIme. And Summer, although super cold and cloudy days can kick my ass, just as much as sunny days do, it just shows more on me, on a sunny day. Because I feel like I’ve been set on fire, all over, when it’s sunny out.

Because of this I have to miss a scheduled volunteer meeting on an initiative that I actually BEGGED to be created. As well as a nice lunch with my boyfriend, in his neighborhood that I love. And I feel emotionally TERRIBLE about bailing on both. But am in too much physical pain, to even think of leaving my home.

So hence my previous blog and this one, and when I’m done with this, I’ll try to get a handle on my physical pain so I can make a simple lunch and try to calm my anxiety and thought cluttered brain, to read a book and/or magazine, for the rest of the afternoon.

Saturday 3-10-2018: Usually I go out with my boyfriend on Saturdays, but have missed some as late. He has a local thing he does near me on Saturdays but not tomorrow. While he is willing to see me, I’d prefer he didn’t come to Minneapolis if he didn’t have to, because I’m so unpredictable and hard to make plans with, any day, but especially lately.

I also graciously bow out of an invite to a birthday dinner for my Dad, that’s just to include my parents and my sisters (usually their dinners also include their grandkids) at an upscale steakhouse in Downtown Minneapolis, one that I haven’t gone to, for 11 years.

I’m not saying this meanly, I have enough just to take a shower and get dressed, on a day that I’m capable of getting out. My Mother and my 40 something old sisters, who in addition to being beautiful and well put together, smart and having good senses of humor, are busy accomplished gainfully employed and great mothers. As well as the birthday boy to be, at almost the age of 72, is way more functional and put together , than his 48 year old daughter.

Even if I could pretend to look nice and be okay, which I can’t do,  I’m not going to ruin their dinner because I have not a fucking clue to what to say to them, my life is so completely devoid of any responsibility, that I could keep my mouth shut. But that would be terribly awkward for EVERYONE.

That’s just a glimpse in what’s an unusual week for me.

EVERYDAY is different, depending on how bad my physical pain, is how bad my anxiety is and whether or not I think I can keep it together so I don’t lose possessions (i.e my keys or my phone that contains my i.d. and debit card) or look vulnerable, because there is so few people I can trust, to be at my most vulnerable, and I’m super painfully aware of what sets me apart from most people.

Even though I can be super insightful and have a great sense of humor at times (so I’m told!!!) .

I get that everyone has there own great things and their own private pain.

I try to be and I am empathetic, just like I was when I was a busy full time employed single mother of 2.

I’m not saying I’m this angel, I have my own stuff, that’s less than desirable, that makes me not a fun person to spend a ton of time with.

I still worry about those I love the most and hate that I can’t do anything constructive for them, 99.5% of the time.

I do try to help people when I can, even with serious stuff, with serious boundaries in place, because I can do that, from the privacy of my home.

Hopefully this explains why, for the few of us, who you may know, live way unconventional lives, can get upset with any kind of comments on our free time.

I get that some people, despite great adversity, don’t let them or their circumstances limit them.

I’m just explaining from my point of view, because I am capable on rare occasion, of doing good productive things.

But I’m at the mercy of medical, mental health and cognitive disability, EVERYDAY.

That’s why I’m not taking the MCAT and LSAT to attend both medical and law school at the same time, even if I could online. I wouldn’t remember 80% of what’s being taught, even if I could pass both of them.

Let alone the little responsibilities but can’t completely guarantee any follow through in commitment.

So please, I get why others are busy. I get why and what I do and don’t do, is pathetically at best, temporarily fascinating.

But it’s my life and my current circumstances and I’d do anything to be Lisa circa 2004.

But I’m not and I can’t be, anymore.

So I really wish people could understand better, of why people sometimes are less strong in the face of adversity.

It’s way more complicated then just the glimpse I gave you, in about 1800 words, though.

And I give anything to change this, but I can’t.

You’re just going to have to take my word for it, if you could be so kind.

Even though I was taught that “actions speak louder than words” in a good productive sense.

Note: Constructive dialogue is welcomed. I’m assuming the nature of the blog, would hopefully not encourage any kind of hate.

Also, out of respect for people who I mention in this blog who are private people, I would prefer to only discuss this on here and not anywhere on Facebook or Twitter, where blog is auto posting.




Disclaimers: This blog is not to do serious activism. It also will include profanity, because I notice an odd trend when there’s an absence of profanity, especially my NOT using the word “fuck”, in a blog and/or rant.

Meaning blogs with an absence of profanity, usually don’t get read. And while my blog isn’t ego driven, nor is it monetized, I already know how I feel about things, if I figured any points I have to make as a writer and blogger were only good for myself, I wouldn’t bother. Capisce?

Holy Shit!!!

Way to go,  ABC!!!

I don’t watch reality television.

But I don’t watch television, in general, when I’m by myself, which is 99.5% of the time.

I will read about it, though, on occasion.

And I DEFINITELY get its appeal.

I read about it now, because it’s a great distraction, from the fucking WORST shit ass reality show that’s going on in Washington, D.C., as well as other parts of the world.

As well as all the bad and sad stuff going on all over the U.S.

As a certified trainwreck (“certified” by a malicious website that likes trashing people who talk openly like I have, with disabilities about being in crisis, which I wrote about several years ago, when finding one of my most serious blogs submitted to a website called “the biggest trainwrecks”) I don’t enjoy watching other “trainwrecks”, so to speak.

I’ve never been a “misery loves company” type of person.

Nor do I get pleasure in seeing people who are young, beautiful and accomplished, which is unrelatable to me, looking for love on t.v. either when things are going great or they are going fucking REALLY bad.

The Bachelor is NO exception, it’s super fucking unrelatable,  to me.

The fallout though, from this particular season, I find kinda fascinating and horrifying at the same time.

Super attractive man proposes to a super attractive woman, after what I guess was a hard decision between 2 equally but unique super attractive accomplished women. Changes his mind and on t.v. breaks up and ends his engagement  with his first choice for his 2nd runner up.

On national television.

And the fucking internet and media loses it’s damn mind!!!

I’m not saying that I don’t feel sorry for Becca, which goes beyond her being local to Minneapolis.

A break up is hard enough.

One taking place on television (and all over social media) HAS to fucking be BRUTAL.

But there’s some kind of  pre-warning that both great things and things people would like to keep private ARE NOT going to be, if one is on this television show.

And now there’s a state law being proposed by a local lawmaker to keep the fucking nefarious Arie out of Minnesota, for doing what he did to Becca.

I LOVE my adopted hometown, even though I’ve fessed up in previous blogs, committing fucking “Minnesota Blasphemy” in my hatred of hotdish, the Minnesota State Fair, the words “uff da” and “ya betcha” among other things and yet again, I’m admitting this and other things, hopefully for greater good.

Just because a dude dumps a local lady who may be a super nice lady, doesn’t mean it warrants a law, both the Twin Cities and the Greater Minnesota area, has much worse problems than that though, where our local congress people need not intervene in this instance.

I’m not saying I’m a great person cause I don’t watch unrelatable shit like The Bachelor, nor do I normally care about the who and why of people watching shows like it.

It’s a good distraction and great television.


It just sends a terrible message, in a society that is so easily bored and looking for distraction that for us to be entertained or distracted , we have to be bombarded by as much sensationalistic messages as humanly possible, in the digital era.

I actually wrote an outline for a television show, late last year.

It would be slightly semi-autobiographical and possibly the WORST and most bizarre entertaining updated take, inspired by the Mary Tyler Moore show.

I fucking already know. How dare I, right?

That’s why this recluse ain’t going to be trying to sell it anywhere. Yet.

But it doesn’t exploit anyone, even if it’s not the key players such in The Bachelor, who know they are going to be exploited, but will make money and I don’t worry about them, because I know that they will be okay.

Including Becca K., who I sincerely wish, nothing but the best, which I know she’s fully capable of making her own destiny, a successful one, whether or not she’s successful on her endeavor for love, on national t.v. .

However, you don’t want to get me started on t.v. shows that truly exploit the vulnerable who are in crisis and can’t give informed consent like Hoarders and Intervention.

And I don’t judge people who watch that shit, either.

That will just be a topic for a future blog. You’re welcome.

Note: This was not a serious blog, even though I know I may have hit a fucking nerve or 456 of them. Again, I don’t judge people who watch any kind of reality t.v. shows, I do worry though in a society that thrives on unnecessary situational chaos, that for some, it may just be a harmless way to pass time.

In others, though, it desensitizes people to human suffering and a lack in ability to have empathy.

Ot they have too much empathy for something superficial, but can’t garner an ounce of empathy, when it’s needed the most.

As well as the misplaced hatred of humans that shows like this can create.

If I’m going to commit myself to mindless shit for entertainment, on occasion, I just pick the biggest, best and most entertaining You Tube vloggers, where I get a limited (by me!!!)  buffet of people who are at any given time, both likeable and not likeable, narcissistic and all over the social media platforms, unapologetically. ;)~

That and Grey’s Anatomy, is what I watch on You Tube or Netflix on my tablet, even though I have SMART TV!!!!

Comments that are constructive are welcomed.

Comments that lack creativity and are based in hate, well depending on the stupidity level of what’s being said, may or may not be addressed.


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