It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Important Disclaimer: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional and not trying to play one on the internet.

Important identifying information though about this blogger: I am though a long term reversal patient who’s been blogging about gastric bypass reversals for over 6 years with a 6 continent reach, other than in Antarctica.

I’m hoping by writing this blog to put out there in the internet a need for long term followup of gastric bypass reversal patients with and without Gastroparesis.

For those of us who have gastric bypass reversal induced Gastroparesis, there’s very little information out there, like nothing.

Oddly the catalyst for my writing this, as a 18 year status post lap rny patient who had an open rny gastric bypass reversal over 9 years ago, got Gastroparesis as a result from reversal, is that a bout of non diabetic facial cellulitis that was treated inpatient with a lot of IV antibiotics, a month ago, that caused c-diff, almost immediately,  actually having Gastroparesis tempered the c-diff and vice versa and I’m questioning on whether or not to resolve the c-diff for that reason, as my Gastroparesis has been more problematic as I’ve gotten further out from my reversal up until getting c-diff 3 1/2 weeks ago.

There is NO information for either surgeons or reversal patients on long term studies on overall wellbeing of reversal patients, other than they are better off being reversed and a few on weight topics post reversal.

While I might be the only patient to question given my unique health history of whether or not to treat a serious infection like c-diff, I can’t be possibly be the only reversal patient who’s Gastroparesis has been problematic and getting worse over time, post reversal.

Whether or not this gets the attention of the ASBMS, I guess remains to be seen.

I just didn’t want any gastric bypass reversal patient struggling with Gastroparesis to think they were alone and while it’s not common but not unusual for both non reversed rny patients to get Gastroparesis like their rare reversed peers, it does happen and it’s not researched and studied like it should be, which is the reason this blog is being written.

Important note: This blog in NO  way contradicts the important work myself and others do, non clinically and clinically for those who need a gastric bypass reversal, to think that they shouldn’t have one,  because of the potential of possibly getting Gastroparesis.

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So, what could  Meghan McCain and Pete Davidson possibly have in common?

Other than having dads who were totally amazing human beings and heroes???

Both of them get an enormous amount of media scrutiny for doing jobs and being themselves, both being in the public eye.

And they both get a lot of hate and a lot of death threats from the public via social media and while that’s grotesque in it’s own right, it’s just as bad, if not worse coming from media outlets, saying that they are constantly doing their jobs wrong and questioning how they have their jobs, that they should be cancelled,  among other things that are really no one’s business.

It feels yucky to write this, it just has felt even yuckier to not say anything as I like both Meghan McCain and Pete Davidson on their respective shows.

I’m not trying to make any money off their names, as a non monetized blogger nor do I want any kind of fame.

Neither one of them needs me to defend them, the reason I feel the need to though is no one else really is.

Or calling out the fact that they gained notoriety of some kind and an enormous amount of people decided to hate on them for that, just for doing their jobs, one of them being more conservative and the other being more liberal and and a bunch of people have decided to unnecessarily hate on them for everything about them.

WHY, though?

While I think both of them are doing an admirable job in their jobs and what they do activism for, hopefully others will call out all this unnecessary hate on human beings who’ve done nothing wrong, other than share an opinion or a joke, another didn’t like.

I’ll never understand the mob mentality to make money so unnecessarily, off of hate in the social media era for not only no good reason but for bad reasons that are potentially and so unnecessarily, a physical and emotional health hazard to someone.

And if this behavior can’t or won’t be stopped, it at least needs to be called out and hopefully not just by me, but others, as well.

Important Note: Anything that isn’t constructive will not be posted.

 

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Important Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in law enforcement or public safety.

IF you or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

This blog is being written to both serious personal and professional activism, so there may be some profanity in it, it’s definitely NOT meant to appearance shame anyone whether they work hard to look their best or they are more like me and don’t, anymore.

As my blogs in the last 3 months have touched upon bias I get for my appearance not just in the real world but when seeking emergent medical attention.

As well as my life in the last 50 years of being appearance shamed about weight and looks.

Bullying by peers  and medical bias can have both dire psychological and physical consequences acutely and long term, if a patient can actually live through some of the things we should never be put through ONCE, let alone over and over again.

IF any above topics or profanity is a trigger to anyone, please don’t read, thanks.

***

“I swear to GOD, they both  looked and reacted to me like myself and myself ALONE,  was FUCKING soley responsible for the Obesity and Opiate epidemics!!!!”

Above comment made by myself when discussing my ER visits and a recent medical admission when having a followup appointment with my long term primary care physician, yesterday and catching her up on that, as she knows I hate going to the doctor, so for me to go to the ER three times in a 5 week period, as Thanksgiving and the weekend after I couldn’t stop projectile vomiting, so I went into the ER 3 days later, 2 days after my 50th birthday.

As well as for Hanukkah/Christmas, I got a potentially life threatening cellulitis infection in my face, which caused ER visit #2 and the ER visit #3 a week later was due to the “gift” of the c-diff infection I got from all the intraveneous antibiotics they gave me for the cellulitis infection.

This is the thing, NO ONE at this point can cause me emotional duress, because they don’t like that I’m still fat despite quite the gastric bypass history and that I don’t even try to be anything resembling an attractive human being.

I can’t care anymore, that’s my perogative, I feel like a really old person who feels like shit most of the time, having a lot of severe chronic pain head to toe,  if I take a shower and put clean clothes on, well, you’re welcome.

Doesn’t mean I am going to judge those who want to look and feel their best, as I’ve said before, there’s nothing wrong with that.

However there’s something terribly FUCKING wrong, when people look at another just because it offends on some level their desired aesthetic for others when someone doesn’t meet them.

You don’t like the way someone looks where other than that, their behavior and looks doesn’t effect you, in any other way???

Don’t fucking look at them, it’s that easy.

Slightly, a little more harder but worth the work, is to try and get past that your bias that is causing you to judge someone negatively when their existence has NO effect on how you live your life.

And if you’re an actual physician  and have a patient who may be of excess weight and ONLY that, even without a bariatric surgical history, and never has had a comorbidity due to Obesity in their life, if a patient tells you they can’t stop throwing up and they are having trouble eating and keeping liquids down, telling them to completely stop eating is never the answer or such as if a patient is admitted during a different emergent encounter and a line of offensive questioning that has NOTHING to do due with the admitting diagnosis and being cavalier as such as discharging them because they get offended when you ask them if they are abusing cocaine or heroin, which is in direct contradiction of the comments you made about their Obesity moments prior, realize that you’re not the first physician or first person to be so unnecessarily critical as well as absolutely WRONG in your judgement of a patient.

This blog isn’t about me, though.

Honestly, normally when a physican treats me like crap, I can give it back appropriately where I’ll call them out on their bias, either to their faces or by filing a grievance, I don’t and no one else has a right to do more than that.

But I can’t stop thinking that human beings who are vulnerable, whether or not in a patient role,  don’t have a voice and constantly are being told by their peers and clinical professionals there is something wrong with them because of their particular aesthetic.

I have no problem saying this has and will continue to kill people, unnecessarily until others realize they could be so harmful, even if it’s not intentional or with malice.

Whether it’s patients who will not seek professional help due to bias and being labeled and not believed or it being assumed a patient has medical or mental health issues they don’t, just based upon what they look like and/or they are a one in a million patient in their physical responses that differ than most the population of humans to treatments.

Or human beings who’s depression or behavior is at risk of being  of fatal to themselves and or innocent others, because they can no longer bear hearing how either ugly and fat they are or how ugly and too thin they are.

Just be kind and if you can’t be kind, just ignore someone versus going out of one’s way to bully and/or shame someone and do it like someone’s life fucking depends on it.

Because it actually does…

Important Note: Anything that could be hurtful to myself or another reader will NOT be published.

https://abcnews.go.com/US/hanukkah-stabbing-victim-walk-talk-daughter-begs-stop/story?id=68029061

Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in law enforcement and/or public safety.

If you or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

I had wanted to write a blog when I first heard about the stabbing at a Hanukkah party in upstate New York on 12-28-2019.

There were 2 good reasons why I didn’t at the time.

First one was, I just got out of the hospital that evening and was quite sick and still am (but that will be a topic for another blog).

Secondly, if I am going to be honest, I didn’t think I could get to a calmer place where while I don’t have one IOTA of empathy or even a desire to try to understand how the perpetrator could commit such a heinous act, in the last 2 weeks that truthfully hasn’t changed much as far as any empathy for the perpetrator nor do I have any desire to give him any kind of pass because he’s had a mental health history.

I identify though as a medical, mental health and violent crime prevention activist and blogger.

I’m going to try in a roundabout way to perhaps like I did a few weeks ago when talking about another anti-semitic tragedy, of seeing what insight I have that could maybe help potentially reduce if not eliminate the risk of another who uses the internet to search and fortify their hate before they try and commit a similar massacre.

I have 1 thing somewhat similar in common to the man who stabbed those 5 people.

I am not conventionally attractive and because of that, I’ve been bullied my entire life for it.

The one thing that I have that the evil coward who did the stabbing didn’t, is  white privilege.

I also have an unconventional life history for someone who was born and raised in a hardworking respectable conservative Jewish family that doesn’t endear me to other Jews, whether they be Orthodox, Conservative or Reformed.

While I didn’t love the bullying that I also got in Hebrew School, in addition to regular school, in that situation, I was actually bullied for being a very smart goody-goody.

To then becoming an outcast and a total embarrassment  both fat and thin, and both religious and non religious related, as an adult when I ended up having one, then two children out of wedlock.

Only for  the shame and isolation for it to get exponentially worse 11 1/2 years ago, when in medical and mental health crisis, I gave up custody of my 2 beloved children to family and tried to commit suicide, thinking everyone would be better off without me.

This is what I learned the very hardest way, when people are bullied and shamed for their appearance constantly and then other real or perceived flaws and have very little to no peace in their life, that lots of times has more of an origin because they don’t fit an aesthetic versus being a bad person.

All that hating on them, has to go somewhere.

It’s either internalized and while there isn’t an intent to ever hurt others, such as in my case, my being in crisis 12 years ago didn’t hurt just me, as unintentional as it was, it hurt the people I love the most.

As much and ONLY out of respect for that family of Josef Neumann I’m trying to take a higher road in trying to understand how someone who had experience with personal hate like the perpetrator could go out of their way to attack innocent people in a home when trying to celebrate with their loved ones, a holiday and I just cannot fathom it.

I can though try and say this again.

And for how many times it takes, I will, until it does stop.

Internalizing hate where it comes to the point where people are at risk of trying to kill innocent others or even their own bullies (which isn’t relevant in this tragedy) , is NEVER the answer.

As the hate and harm put on innocent people, yet again, will NEVER make sense to me and we have to work harder to make sure it doesn’t ever irrationally make sense to others in hopes to stop these tragedies from happening over and over again.

We have to call out evil cowardice when we see it, we have to have more programs and initiatives that those who are at risk of acting out violently to others, have options for intervention, evaluation and treatment.

I know this is starting out small now, I know as an activist when I use Google, to research crime, medical and suicide resources and statistics, for my blogs that I now get phone numbers and websites for emergency resources, on the off chance that my search terms are indictive of someone in crisis.

I hope that continues to be the case and expanded on, not just by tech and social media but by community and government initiatives.

The victims, families,  friends and the Jewish community in Monsey and globally,  are in my continued thoughts and prayers.

Important Note: Anything that isn’t constructive will not be posted.

Okay, my blogs have been kind of on the serious side lately…

I need to write a concise and hopefully somewhat thought provoking and fun blog.

So I ask, if you could have superpowers what would they be, if you’d have to be you in every other way?

I’d want the ability as a recluse that does care for fellow human beings to have the ability to telepathically transmit the belief that everyone has the right to a peaceful, fun and safe life, regardless of religion, race, profession, socio-economics, gender/sexual identification, weight and/looks.

To anyone who needs to believe that.

Otherwise I’d absolutely suck as a superhero, as anything else would require leaving my home or being with people for an extended period of time.

Also what are great quality/qualities that you already have?

Important Note: Hopefully if people don’t have anything positive to contribute with this blog, they won’t contribute anything at all. Thanks…

 

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Important Disclaimers: I am not a clinically trained a medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training in law enforcement or public safety.

This blog WILL be offensive to most decent people, however.

BUT,  you’re NOT my target audience.

Potential homicidal anti-semitic and police hating cowards ARE.

I’m willing though for once to USE mocking hateful cowards to try and fight hate, if I can’t appeal to any sense of decency,   especially if it has a chance to save someone’s life.

As well as as use of some profanity…

I do not want to hurt though anyone who’s hurting from any kind of hate or might find my way of trying to combat hate with an unconventional approach, so if that’s possible, please don’t read. Thanks.

***

I’ve been OBSESSED with above trailer for the new Wonder Woman trailer.

Not that I am into movies that much, cause of my stupid fucking disabilities.

I’m more like Wonder “What The Fuck She Is” Woman.

I only have ONE thing in common with the amazing Gal Gadot, who stars in it.

We both can read that picture above the link for the trailer.

That’s what happens when you learn Hebrew.

Which is usually happens to us Jews, whether born in Israel (like her) or me (Brooklyn) .

One of the reasons I’ve been obsessed with trailer is the distraction, is from the latest massacre that happened in Jersey City.

Where people were ambushed and executed  for being Jewish and  in law enforcement.

I don’t have really have any redeeming qualities, as a Jew or a human being for the matter.

As my title of my blog isn’t referring to Jews being bad, it’s my being a bad Jew, very unintentionally.

Well, with exception of my fucking pesky belief  that EVERYONE has the right to a safe and peaceful life, regardless of religion, race, gender/sexual identification, political beliefs, profession, weight and looks, etc.

That belief is not extended though to homicidal haters, though.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try and see if there’s anyway if they can’t be talked out of their hatred, and if I can’t, that it at least doesn’t have a body count.

If I had a superpower though, it would be that everyone would believe that everyone has a right to a safe and peaceful life.

Well the good side of me, would want that.

Less ethically, I’d also wish that haters would not have access to any kind of valuable contribution from a group that people hate on.

Whether it’s to the extent that people who hate on Jews or anyone due to bigotry, for example would lose the ability to see Wonder Woman or any movie, music, television show or any kind of media, that came to be by someone who fell in the category of that bigotry.

Or more seriously, a potential homicidal hater has a medical emergency and/or is a victim of a crime  and loses the ability to contact ANY first responders or seek medical attention or law enforcement protection, as well as judicial due process and protection from people who fall into the category of their bigotry.

That would be the most fucking coolest superpowers, IMNSHO.

Like,  EVER….

Sadly for me, the only things I have resembling superpowers, is that I’m really good as suicide prevention and public safety activist.

And I’m probably 1 of 3 non clinically trained people in the entire fucking world who can comprehensively help a patient in a bariatric surgical crisis medically and mentally get through that kind of unique clusterfuck of a medical event.

IF,  I can’t appeal to any sense of decency for potential homicidal haters to not physically or mentally harm people and have a prayer of redirecting that hate to do good, just think if someone you end up killing, had the power to change your life or that of someone you love’s life for the better, if not save it?

You won’t ever know though, if your hate becomes deadly and it kills others and possibly yourself.

You won’t ever know the damage that you will cause the people who love you, who aren’t aware of your deadly rage and bigotry, when the chances are high, if you aren’t suicidal yourself, you’re going to probably be killed, justifiably so, when trying to carry out a massacre.

And it won’t matter anything good you’ve ever done, if you end another’s life or cause undue and unjustified physical or emotional harm due to hatred.

It’s not possible for everyone to love each other.

But it’s never worth it to hate someone, let alone try to cause emotional and physical harm and/or death, that’s a waste of energy that if redirected to do good or at least not harm, that is so much cooler.

And a lot less cowardly and reprehensible.

Important Note: Anything that isn’t constructive will NOT be published. Any kind of threat, as death threats aren’t new to me, will reported to law enforcement. As while I’m not the world’s greatest person, I have actually saved people’s lives and some would feel a loss, if I wasn’t around to try and keep doing that…

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Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional or have any education in law enforcement or public safety.

I will always encourage people in medical and mental health crisis, if they are in danger in hurting themselves or others to contact emergency services, immediately to get evaluation and treatment.

While this blog is somewhat personal in nature and will not just tie some of the things I’ve written in not only the last week, month, year but in over the 6 years I’ve been blogging, I’d bet in some form or another, while not everything I’ve gone through that others can relate on a deeply personal level, but I’m sure quite a few can to some of the things that I’ve gone through.

***

Late yesterday afternoon, I threw on some clothes to run to the convenience store as today and the next few days we are supposed to experience some inclement weather, similar to the bad weather we had in Minnesota over last Thanksgiving weekend.

I grabbed a bag of garbage to throw out on my way.

I live 4 blocks away from U.S. Bank Stadium, home of the Minnesota Vikings and there was a game yesterday.

I had waited about 90 minutes after the game ended to leave and after I threw out my garbage I lit a cigarette in the alley between my building and the commercial parking lot.

As I was walking by there, there was a family that I assumed that had parked their car for the game and they were having a snowball fight.

The parents (well I guess I’m assuming) and the child who had to been about 8 years old, stopped throwing snowballs and for about 30 seconds just stopped to silently stare at me, like I was some kind of scary smoking creature.

As a person, I probably would’ve not taken offense as while I wasn’t close enough to them where my smoking should’ve been that issue for a child, even though one of the snowballs grazed me.

Had they not given me the judgemental silent scare and would’ve apologized, I would’ve probably politely told them they were throwing dirty old snow, filled with pigeon pee and feces, as well as human, in addition to how much filth snow can collect in a parking lot that had received a lot of snow, the week prior.

The thing is, I get odd looks now because I’m not attractive or visually appealing in any way.

I turned 50 exactly a week ago, but about 2 years ago, I kind of with my medical health issues had to let my appearance go, not just within regards to weight, but not trying anymore nor caring about my appearance.

As it’s just super tough on a really bad day, which I stay at home, but never having any good days where I physically feel good, to make it through the day due to my medical disabilities, which can leave me vulnerable, when getting out, so my concern the little I get out, is not to fall or faint like I do at home, going in more detail in my last 2 blogs.

It would be easier to accept my outwardly appearance if I didn’t physically feel so bad on the inside.

For someone who is a recluse for the most part in the last 2 years, my appearance sadly is problematic for other people.

It’s easier though to accept judgement from strangers, not easy but easier, as I get that they don’t understand that I’m more then the lazy ugly fat stupid slob they’ve pegged me to be, even though I’m not stupid or lazy.

It’s harder such as when I went to the ER last week and in January and they treated me based upon assumptions about my appearance given the fact that I could CLEARLY articulate my symptoms and the consequences of them.

It’s harder such as when I called 911 last Memorial Day Weekend due to a man making a terroristic threat, describing him perfectly but not myself and he had said he had thought about killing me and he was harassing me  as well as others after he left me alone and it’s not a stretch, should’ve the police came, while he still was harassing me,  for them to think somehow my contact with him was wanted and consensual when it was terrifying.

My skin is old. It’s dry from dehydration and ruddy.

I look so old and sickly, in addition to not being visually attractive in any any way.

I am hypersensitive to stimuli, so I feel like I’m on fire when it’s sunny out, whether it’s 9 degrees or 90, but am cold when I’m not in the sun and it’s less than 65 degrees out.

While most of the time, too much of it, in the last 18 years have spent projectile vomiting, I have eroded and missing teeth.

Because I am bloated in addition to being of weight, despite my inability to not eat much and throw up a lot, especially in the last year,  even when I haven’t ingested food, liquids or medicine, in addition to the severe chronic pain and headaches.

I’m not anti-people based upon the behavior of the people yesterday or the people who’ve bullied me for the last 45 years.

As I know there is a lot of good people in this world.

I’m not anti-physician, even though I’ve had bad experiences with a majority of  physicians most of my life due to being fat or when I was thin, the experiences weren’t much better because I had resorted to bariatric surgery to lose weight.

As I know there are a lot of good physicians and other medical staff, not just at the hospitals I’ve mentioned in my blog including Fairview, but nationally and around the world.

I’m not anti-police, as I’ve never had a bad encounter with any of our local police or any police officer in my entire life, just a non-existent encounter when there should’ve been,  last Spring.

And I didn’t need to be a niece of a former NYPD officer to feel that way.

But this is the way I DO feel…

And I’m sure other people who experience bias, bigotry and bullying for most of the lives, this is the thing I need to reiterate.

These ARE NOT isolated incidents for most of us.

I’ve been bullied lifelong thousands and thousands of times, primarily for what I look like, less so because I am Jewish and because I’m NOT a great Jew, quite a bit of that I’ve been bullied or biased against by people in that community.

It wasn’t any better when I was really smart, hardworking  and a “good girl” as when I was young, ironically I got bullied for being a goody-goody, especially a fat one.

I have spent way more time in my blog, talking about my mistakes and failures than that of others,  so that they don’t have the same consequences on other people, like they did to to me and those I love the most, no matter how unintentional some of those consequences were.

I wish though other people, in this day and age, would pay more attention on their lives and behavior that could hurt others than assumptions about mine, when they don’t know me and are making judgements based upon just what I look like, now.

I will literally NEVER be comfortable in this skin that I’m in.

To stay somewhat sane and to be able to fulfill the small but meaning purpose that I have as an activist, I’ve had to try at least be figuratively comfortable in this skin that I’m in and be grateful for what I still can do and what it contains, as poorly as I feel,  the little I do well.

I know I’m NOT the only one who struggles with bias, bigotry and bullying that has compromised my life and made it a lot harder than it had to be.

So for those who can relate, I wish this wasn’t a club we had membership in.

And for those who can’t relate and don’t realize that even if their hate is exclusive to even just one person, they aren’t alone in their quest to make another miserable.

Whether it’s another 2 people or 2,000 (which is more in the realm of how many people hate on me with such a limited online and offline presence, as I found out when doing activism several years ago and got picked on by a fat people hate group online) of people trying to hurt you in some way.

Nor did I have any better luck when right before my gastric bypass in 2001, I did try offline fat acceptance groups and wasn’t welcomed even though I made no mention that I had planned to have bariatric surgery, I never got even return hello, so I can’t blame that in that community for my personality, maybe because truthfully, I wasn’t fat enough.

And whether I’d lose another 60 lbs to be considered of a lower acceptable healthy weight or gain a 100 lbs to be considered possessing a more fat friendly exterior, I still would have little energy that comes with acceptance in most communities online and off, as it applies to current standards of beauty.

As on the rare day  if I can take a shower and get dressed, and do one activity, I’m absolutely exhausted without doing anything else, spending an hour doing my makeup or hair, ain’t gonna happen.

There is absolutely NOTHING  wrong with wanting to look and be at one’s best both inside and out, regardless of how much or how little space one takes up.

There is something terribly wrong and it needs to be said that trying to demean and shame  other human beings because they don’t fit another’s aesthetic or ideal that  can be irreversibly physically and emotionally damaging, if not life ending to another, if people can’t find it within themselves to stop judging, shaming and bullying others for looking and being different, especially when that difference has no consequence on how another lives THEIR life..

Important Note: Anything that could be hurtful to myself or any of my readers will NOT be published.

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