It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Important Disclaimers /Trigger Warnings: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, if you or someone you love is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please seek emergency help.

I’m also not knocking or mocking traditions, social norms or conventions in this blog, this blog is though for those who can relate to a lot of unusual circumstances, unpredictability, childhood trauma and having a life that carries way more emotional hurt and harm that no one should ever have to experience but does, unfortunately.

If any of that can be a trigger, please don’t read. I’m only writing this in hopes that my daughter has my words, when I can no longer say them, of how much she means to me, how sorry I am for what I’ve done to fail her, let alone of a desire to prepare life in wonderful to horribly adverse times.


To My Beloved Zoe Arielle,

Today you are done with high school and well, you know how proud I am of you and how proud I think you should be of yourself because I told you that yesterday when we talked on the phone.

What I couldn’t get across or articulate well, is having a child where the last time I had any contribution to your education, was when I volunteered at your preschool and attended your preschool graduation THIRTEEN years ago.

I owe you a certain amount of privacy when writing this to you and putting it out for the world to see, where you do understand why I write is to help others not make the same mistakes I did and for what I put you and your brother through while quietly, was still so chaotic and untethered the last 2 years you were with me and to make sure it wasn’t in vain.

I know chances are, you probably will never read this, I will still write it for your sake and the sake of anyone else who has experienced having a non parent whether family member or legal guardian be more of a part of your/their lives than a parent.

That in addition to that, other circumstances such as your being done with high school in your senior year that was off, such as you switching schools and being part of a graduating class of people you’ve never met because of a pandemic and sadly in some circumstances it might have served you better.

The song and video linked above, I only recent heard, with my bizarre childhood riddled with bullying, I cannot relate to it at all, from a young child to now older adult, as what it ever means to have a community of accepting peers.

The music though makes me feel something, oddly parental.

I’ve never had any preconceived notions for what I wanted your life to look like other than you do the best you can, that you are healthy, happy and that you aren’t bullied or be a bully and that you find something that gives you purpose and pride.

I never wanted to be the first person, let alone in such a monumental way, let you down and sadly I know for sure I won’t be the last.

I want you to know though it’s okay to not be okay, that certain circumstances require perseverance but that a an absence of strength at times doesn’t equate weakness.

That the “friends forever” has to be first and foremost with yourself while being true to yourself, because if that’s not the case people you entrust your heart to who don’t deserve it, will really hurt you and those who deserve it, you’ll have it in fear of losing it and won’t ever be able to enjoy and savor it.

You’ve always known though innately who’s in your circle and who’s not and why that’s sometimes seasonal and not lifelong.

You’ve never taken anyone or anything for granted and that trait will be one of the most fundamental to get you through your life.

I’ve known since you were a fetus that you would persevere and be somebody loving, worth loving and find the path that’s best for you, even though I also knew there will be times you won’t be able to see it and when that happens I hope you ask for help.

I couldn’t be anymore blessed and grateful to be your mother and hopefully going forward, a friend forever.

Congratulations on this amazing milestone in your life, Zoe Arielle and for others who may need to hear it or what I say resonates.

Love Always, Momster (believe it or not, I nicknamed myself that, not my children!!!)

Important Note: Anything that’s not constructive will not be acknowledged from any other than those who call me Mom.

I moved into my current apartment, a little over a year ago.

Actually, technically on 5-18-2020.

Did I know then last year May, that May was Brain Tumor Awareness month or actually even this month, was?

Honestly, no.

I also also didn’t know what DIPG was, either:

Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma.

I knew from being a medical activist of sorts what a glioma was.

When it’s come to children’s cancers, I’ve written many blogs why I started 8 years ago raising money for The Zach Sobiech Osteosarcoma fund at Children’s Cancer Research Fund as I was so inspired by him when I first heard about him the day he died, 17 days after his 18th birthday.

Anyways when I first moved here, honestly after having problems I did with my last apartment building, I wasn’t looking to make friends.

Let alone with a 7 year old child who would come here often to visit her Dad and Grandma who lived here.

Meadow was this blonde, spirited, funny, smart and fearless tiny whirlwind of a little girl.

The only things we had in common other than my being an 8 year old in a 50 year old body and her being in a 7 year old with a 40 year old soul, was she occasionally talked about being bullies and as a child she seemed to get along better with adults.

Last Fall, I think it had been sometime since I saw her and her Dad, so I gave her Dad a hard time, then he had told me that Meadow had a brain tumor.

I had assured him given that if she was at M Health Masonic, knowing it was a great hospital and she was in good hands, as in addition to trying to raise money for CCRF associated with Masonic (I think the name changed but it’s the childrens hospital associated with M Health/Fairview University of MN) my youngest sister has been a volunteer with them for well over a decade.

Meadow turned 8 and while they were trying to figure out what was wrong with her, I’m NOT saying this for self promotion, I gave her some money so she could have a pizza party with her Dad and I received for the first time in my life, a thank you card.

A few weeks later, when her Dad showed me an email letter from St. Jude, I saw the diagnosis them assuring her that the care she would get at M Health would be the same and that’s when I found out for the first time what DIPG was, when I googled it when I got home.

DIPG is an unsurvivable monster of a brain cancer that due to the location and aggressiveness is so hard to treat that usually affects children between the ages of 4-11.

The effects of treatment did show up in Meadow physically, as well as well as the cancer itself.

It didn’t at first seem to change her that much spiritually until it did because the treatments are so aggressive it totally changed her exterior.

I’m not trying to digress, as 2 things, especially given the nature of my last blog which at the time I wrote it, I did think of Meadow and also at the time, I didn’t find out til the next day, she had passed away.

Where my desire as activist of so many different things comes together in cases such as Meadow’s. It’s bad enough for a young a child to be battling any form of a disease, let alone cancer.

But as Meadow’s treatment and her cancer progressed people would cruelly stare at her, when in public.

As maddening as an aggressive form of brain cancer that is unsurvivable is, knowing that she had at least one second, if not more meanness as a result, is not only infuriating, but it’s quite unforgivable given how complete strangers could be so cruel, not knowing that what was side effects from treatment was nothing compared to the damage being caused to her internally and how much she was suffering in pain and the tumor wrecking absolute havoc internally.

I did not ask any of Meadow’s family before writing this, that’s why I’m just trying to talk about this, her both as an activist and someone who was lucky enough to know her for the last year of her way too short of life, going forward that while will I do further activism for DIPG, as well as meanness awareness/prevention but meanness is totally preventable and treatable and there should be a quicker cure for that than an aggressive fatal brain cancer in children.

Meadow did know I wrote about things to help people, that’s the main reason why I’m writing this right now, in hopes that while I think all bullying/meanness is horrible, if to honor Meadow, if people could be more like her being kind while still being sassy but not being a mean judgemental bully, the world would be a much better place and that’s what she would want.

For those of us who were lucky enough to know Meadow, though, our world has a little bit less light.

While I found out on May 20th, Meadow Jane passed away on May 17th, 2021 from complications of DIPG on what was already proposed to be DIPG Awareness Day.

At the tender young age of 8 years old, less than 9 months from her being diagnosed and 4 months, 1 week and 2 days from what should’ve been her 9th birthday.

Rest In Peace, Sweet And Sassy Angel….

Important Note: Anything that’s triggering to myself or any of my readers will not be posted. Constructive feedback or insight, always welcomed.

(Above picture taken Thanksgiving 1996 and I look like this now EXCEPT older.
If people care that much which clearly THEY DO about what weights I’ve been before, google UNSTAPLEDLISA but in lowercase letters or just look to my previous blog where I happen due to topic have pics of myself in 2004 and in 2015 where I weighed considerable less than I do now)

Important Disclaimers: I will take some liberties in this blog as far as personal feelings, if anyone is every body shamed for either being too fat or too thin and/or for any reason and is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services right away


It’s been a day, as I spent most of the day either getting to or coming from what was supposed to be a physical with my primary care physician but ended up being followup as I ended up in the ER last Thursday with severe abdominal pain and nausea and super bad labs that was suspected to be gastric bypass and/or gastric bypass reversal related but I wouldn’t let them admit me.

So I was outside about an hour ago, having a cigarette with my back facing the street talking to my neighbor, in front of my apartment building, in a lot of pain and exhausted.

All of a sudden a car slows down making a noise for a minute and until they finally went faster in their vehicle, as it’s a busy road 2 young men were smirking at me.

It took me a minute to realize they were oinking at me.

At first I felt embarrassed for my neighbor, who is a good guy that he had to witness that and a bit of shock.

I can say though I wasn’t embarrassed for myself though being heavy, I’ve had a history of being bullied for almost 47 years, since preschool and I’m almost 51 1/2 years old, now.

What I said to my neighbor, was “Wow, how would’ve they reacted and was homicidal and actually had a gun on me and on the flip side of them not knowing anything about me, if I was a suicidal due to horrific constant bullying and that pushed me to the point that depression ended up being fatal to me, as I know people who have weight issues due to being on psych meds!!!”.

My neighbor is a super kind guy and he reiterated that he doesn’t ever judge people by what they look like and it really doesn’t matter what people weight, as long as they are happy.

I gently said I don’t love my weight but he also knows that I’ve been much thinner, as we are Facebook buds and I have pics from before my gastric bypass, after weight gain issues but I don’t have any up close full body pics of myself other than a selfie and other pics or 2 that’s like 6-12 months old because while i’m not necessarily proud of my weight, I’m not ashamed of it, either.

And it shouldn’t be such as in my rare case where I learned the hardest way possible, that there are worse things than being fat, given the consequences of my gastric bypass complications .

I loved working out at an athletic level in 2004, that’s why I went to school to be a Certified Personal Trainer.

If I wanted to be known for anything, it would be for being a great loving single mother who ended up being a successful small business owner, as a trainer whether people wanted to lose weight or not.

I’m compelled though to write this an activist though because I’ve addressed enough in trying to prevent violent crime how some people if hated enough for appearance issues, that hate has to go somewhere and in some cases they hurt others.

In other cases severe persistent bullying, it causes enough trauma to cause someone to be despondent and their depression becomes fatal to them.

If I thought I was an isolated incident with those 2 guys, I’d keep my mouth shut, however they went way out of their way to try and hurt me, which they can’t.

But behavior like that could end up getting them killed, NOT that it would be justified. Should they mess around with the wrong person and not knowing what other people are dealing with, it could have tragic consequences for people who can’t take anymore hate directed at them because they’ve experienced so strongly and for so long.

And it shouldn’t matter that in my (or any others) case what I’ve done or not done to be considered conventionally attractive to them, society as a whole or even for myself.

I’m ok (meaning I don’t love the weight I am, I just refuse to hate myself for it) being that I guess super unaesthetically pleasing person when it comes to those who bully people like me who are fat.

I’m most certainly the BETTER person, though than anyone who bullies anyone fat or thin or for looks reasons, race, gender/sexual identification/preference, politics, profession and/or religion.

And so is anyone else who isn’t contributing to putting more hate in the world. Period.

Important Note: Anything that’s triggering to me or anyone of my readers will NOT be posted.

(note it is still 5-8-2019 here in Minnesota)

I was so sad to hear of the passing of actress/model Tawny Kitaen earlier this afternoon in the news, with her passing away the day before.

When the Whitesnake album came out and then the VHS of Whitesnake’s Trilogy which included Still of Night, Is This Love and Here I Go Again in 1987, and having both the cassette and having to go out of my way to get the VHS tape Trilogy of aforementioned Whitesnake videos which brought me an enormous amount of pleasure, I was considered at that point in my life for many years as a fat and ugly kid at that point in my life when Trilogy was released teenager who had been horrifically bullied because of my looks and weight.

The thing that help me as a wonderful distraction from all that bullying was the rockers who rocked out with large hair and all those videos on MTV but most of all Whitesnake and the videos that introduced me to to Tawny Kitaen, at that time.

I was in awe of Tawny Kitaen where it went way past the point of her incredible having to be one of , if not the most beautiful woman, alive at that time.

And it wasn’t that she was necessarily unassuming of that beauty, she just also radiated inner beauty, intelligence, a sense of humor and a kindness which as a combo made both men and women want to be with with her or actually be like her.

I knew as a teen never thinking I’d ever lose weight and keep it off (which well, I haven’t at this particular point and currently look like the love child of Bride of Chucky and Jabba the Hutt, but that’s a topic for a different blog) and never ever though I’d ever be considered remotely attractive at any weight that I’d ever be, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t influential in how I wanted to look both heavy when I was younger and when I was thin but for how wonderfully she existed it was never detrimental to myself either physically or mentally, to feel that way.

The dress below that I’m pictured in, I bought at my thinnest for a formal dance in 2004 that was held annually for a local bariatric group I belonged to and while my 1st dress for that annual gala was more classy and at that time in 2002, I was almost 5 months pregnant but not showing and being a size 9/10, after losing more weight in 2004 going to be a size 2/4 on average, I decided to kind of be sexy and the dress when I bought it kind of reminded me of one outfit that Tawny wore in the Still Of The Night video:

Then in Fall of 2015, after attending a wedding, I came home and took a pic and my hair looking a little wilder but with makeup, still NEVER in a million years looking like the Goddess Tawny was and being grateful because I had been following Tawny online on occasion all these years, at least had an “okay I may not be ever a supermodel moment”, like I have had my entire life, but still felt at the time being okay that I did look more attractive than I could’ve dreamed in my teen years at the age of 46, felt that I at least achieved of what I’d ever come close to Tawny hair:

I would follow her on You Tube being kind of shocked at a lack of followers on that platform but she seemed to keep it real and never forgot to show gratitude for her fans.

I will never apologize for being a Tawny Kitaen fan (not obsessively) and my admiration again wasn’t about her just being so beautiful.

It was about how she still could be gracious with that beauty.

That she could be in films whether it be comedy or horror that entertained.

She could be in t.v. shows that entertained families and adults, alike.

That she was honest with her chemical dependency issues as well as the struggle that her cd issues caused as a mother who loved her daughters more than anything.

Anyways, I will always be grateful to ONLY positive things that being a fan of hers brought me, from teenage years to now where I am the heaviest I’ve ever been, my physical pain is really bad and that has effected my mobility a lot, as well as the pain more so than the weight on my quality of life but being okay that right now I am where I am in looks and weight, and it’s really no place for anyone to judge me, just like I wouldn’t ever judge anyone who always strives to look their best.

So I’m just putting this out there, for others who may feel sad about her passing, of having a safe place to express either that or what they adored about her, if they want to comment.

As well as putting out there that my thoughts and prayers are with her daughters and other family and friends.

Rest In Peace and Rest In Power, Tawny….

Important Note: Please know that any negative or triggering comments to myself or any other, will NOT be published.

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor do I have any training in law enforcement or public safety.

IF you or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services in your state/country of residence (1/2 my readers are NOT only not in the U.S. but North America), immediately.


My last blog was written last month in regards to the mass shooting at Buffalo Allina clinic, here in Minnesota where I reside, last month.

Then a week ago, 8 people were killed in a mass shooting in Atlanta, Georgia.

Yesterday, 10 people were killed in a mass shotting in Boulder, Colorado.

It’s going to sound like I am digressing but I’m not when I bring up about a week and half ago, when Sharon Osbourne came under fire for defending Piers Morgan when he made some awful comments on a show in the U.K. that he left quite abruptly, about Meghan Markle that occured a little over 2 weeks ago when she and Prince Harry did television interview with Oprah a day prior.

I am not huge fan of either Sharon Osbourne or Piers Morgan.

It was frightening though for people to take offense to what they both said and especially Sharon Osbourne, when people in an attempt to show their disgust for what Sharon said, that could be construed and misconstrued possibly rooted in racism and/or misogyny as all she did was defend saying Piers wasn’t a racist, and as a result received a bunch of death threats to her and her family.

Similarly, even though others may disagree, after George Floyd’s death which I do believe was a murder, but allegedly, that the result of that in almost 10 months since that happened, was the rioting, looting and buring down of businesses in Minneapolis, including the 3rd precinct police station that had jurisdiction based upon where George Floyd was allegedly murdered as well as many minority owned businesses some destroyed immediately, others looted repeatedly.

Reason why in the case of George Floyd, I use allegedly, is because Derek Chauvin’s trial isn’t over, it just started.

And while I’m not defending Chauvin, he’s still owed due process under the constituition not the court of social media.

The reason why I bring up on Sharon Osbourne’s death threats because people think she’s a hate bigot is to make a point of the dangerous ridiculousness of trying to fight hate with more hate.

I am NOT trying to bring up or cause more hurt in cases where murders, violent crime and unjust treatment has occurred because of race or gender(or gender identification) or for any reason.

I also don’t to mean to cause more hurt when I say as a violent crime prevention activist that I do NOT believe guns are the root of the problem, even though I do believe in common sense gun laws.

We don’t though have a prayer of reducing these crimes until we get control of the epidemic of hate not just exclusive to this country, but globally.

As if we can’t get a handle on the epidemic of hate and a desire to kill, there’s more ways that just guns that people use to terrorize and kill people.

As an unattractive older heavy white Jewish woman with a multitude of disablitities what has made my life a lot easier, is not hating anyone or being jealous of anyone.

Having a personal philosophical belief that everyone has a right to a safe and peaceful life, in addition to that, especially in my case where I don’t have a predispostion to be violent, makes it easy for me to do my part where if I can’t help everyone, which NO ONE can, I at least try as best as I can, not to hurt anyone and to make amends for the people I’ve hurt unintentionally, which is discussed in more detail in other blogs of mine, as well as try and heal from past traumas that I’ve been a victim of.

We have to have more initiatives that teach humans from the time they are young and lifelong that everyone has a right to a safe and peaceful life.

We have to do more in cases where people who have a predisposition to be violent, that they have access to services for rehabilitation but if they show that can’t be rehabilitated they aren’t free to be in public to keep hurting other people.

We also to have understand that we live in a society that has never been more hateful and that hate just keeps growing, multiplying and intensifying in people.

It may not be where it’s necessarily obvious, either.

Except now we DO see that people are using hate to combat hate constantly non violently and violently in words , in in addition to criminally destructive and deadly hate behaviors.

It happens on the internet, in media, in people’s homes.

But, the thing is, it doesn’t have to.

Just like people make all kinds of commitments for positive physical and emotional improvement for their wellbeing, that same desire to change for the better can also be applied to wanting to change any negative behaviors and thought processes that they have that can harm others.

Some people though will need help to get that point but at this point given how many people are dying due to the epidemic of hate, we have to constantly be working on doing our part to eradicate bias and support more initiatives that help people recover not only when they are victims due to the harm hate addiction can cause but to help others from their addiction to hate, if one can safely do so or get help if someone is not capable of getting the help they need and show they are a threat to themselves and/or others.

These violent atrocities and the emotional terrorism can’t just keeping occurring.

BUT, all these atrocities WILL keep happening over and over again and it will ONLY get worse, until we all can behave in a manner that demonstrates that all have a belief system that everyone should have a right to a safe and peaceful life, regardless of their race, religion, gender, political beliefs and sexual identification/preferences, regardless of where someone falls on spectrum of weight and and preceived attractiveness, age and profession or lack of profession (i.e. those of us with disabilities).

Not everyone will love one another, but there’s never a reason to be addicted to hate, magnify hate and behave hatefully ever, especially, just because you don’t agree with a belief, a rule and/or someone who looks, thinks or acts differently than you and it doesn’t have any consequences on how one chooses or gets to live their life.

Important Note: Anything that isn’t constructive will NOT be posted. Please don’t be an absolute idiot and send me a hateful death threat (which has happened in past violent crime blogs and will be reported) on a blog that’s trying to combat hate. Thanks!!!

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training law enforcement or public safety.

This is the 2nd part of my normal disclaimer that’s just breaking my heart as an activist and human being, where I normally would say, that if YOU or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please contact 911, immediately.

Being a Minnesota resident where I’m seeing initiatives that are hoping to help the victims of the Buffalo Crossroads massacre and the community heal, as well as try to provide resources, the last thing I want to do do as an activist is hurt anyone if they find that people coming together to support is what they need to get on that path of healing, if that’s enough for them.

The concerns I have though is if more is NOT done to address those who are make terroristic threats, act in a violent manner with a criminal history that shows an escalation of violent criminal behavior, this wasn’t the first time a mass shooting with a similar motive was carried out and it won’t be the last.

In this blog though I’m going to address the Buffalo Crossroad mass shooting and other Minnesota violent crimes that either went viral or didn’t, where in one case there was a fatality outside of the mass shooting at Buffalo Crossroads, the other 2 where grave physical harm was inflicted with depraved violent criminal acts that also in hindsight, might also have been prevented, as the perpetrators of these/those crimes had enough of a violent criminal conviction history and escalation as time went by, that it didn’t just happen out of nowhere.

IF though for one’s peace of mind and a need to heal is by relying on one’s community , religous guidance and other resources, I don’t want to cause further emotional distress and would ask that you please don’t read the blog.

Also if you want to help the victims and/or the community of Buffalo Crossroads, here’s the link:


I’m not psychic but for whatever reason, for almost a year now, I’ve been worried about something like the horrific mass shooting at Buffalo Crossroads happening and it’s referenced in blogs that I wrote and published last year, in addition to all the local, national and global mass murders that I’ve blog about for many years.

I wrote a blog on Tuesday evening after following the news story since the mass shooting broke and again, while I’m not a clinically trained profesional nor do I have any formal training in public safety or criminal psychology, I had suspected from midday when I first read online about the shooting, thought that drugs and revenge were an issue, and later, once they named the alleged suspect, I was kind of surprised that his criminal and civil record didn’t match more of the information that came out later Tuesday night after I wrote my 1st blog about the mass shooting and yesterday on Wednesday 2/10/21.

I did take a screenshot tonight before starting this blog (which was started late evening 2/11/2021, but will not be published until 2/12/2021) and the order for protection that was issued on 2018 and the complaint that the alleged shooter made about wanting to kill people that proceeded that order, well there’s NO accessible charge for like there has been in the past of violent criminals of who’ve I blogged about or researched on other local violent criminals.

One could say and they would be right, whether or not there’s an accessible charge for the public to read regarding the threats Gregory Paul Ulrich had made doesn’t matter.

This is the ISSUE though:

The terroristic threats did matter as well as the erratic and violent behavior that was displayed, they mattered enough for Gregory Ulrich to be banned from Buffalo Crossroads clinic and Buffalo Hospital in 2018 whether or not there’s a criminal charge on his record reflecting the terroristic threats .

I don’t like to lay blame and I’m not trying to do that.

But, I don’t know how somone could make threats, have displays of erratic and potential if not volatile behavior and because there’s no charges in 2018 as evidenced in top screenshot to see, if there would’ve been perhaps it would’ve led to some form of incarceration or involuntary civil commitment to protect people from something like this from happening, which he said he was going to do and horrifically he actually did.

Most people in law enforcement, as well as those who work in domestic violence shelters know that if someone is volatile and erratic that orders for protection or banning from a facility lots of times doesn’t mean anything to erratic violent criminals.

The man who threw the little boy off of the 3rd floor balcony at Mall of America had been banned from there for multiple violent issues prior to his vicious assault of that little boy and while his psychological state was in question, he didn’t have an attempt for civil commitment, either.

The same with the extremely violent evil coward who murdered Mendota Heights police officer Scott Patrick in 2014 and the same with the extremely violent evil coward who attempted to murder Waseca police officer Arik Matson who was gravely injured in 2020 where both their respective shooters had an extensive history of violent crime charges and convictions.

The reason why I digressed, was to make a point, is because we have to do more when it comes to people who either threaten horrific violent crime and /or actually commit these crimes but once that happens, it’s too late for any of their victims especially in crimes they lead to fatalities.

Minnesota health care professionals PRIOR to the pandemic have been worried about their safety on the job due to violence escalation, for a long time, something I’ve also have addressed as an activist blogger.

As well as the general public having a sense of not feeling safe that just keeps growing, obviously for good reason.

I’m not saying that there isn’t a need for some criminal justice reform in first time non violent criminals, but this isn’t the blog to discuss this.

This is the blog to discuss if criminals who have a predisposition to be violent, their criminal legal history indicates an inability to be rehabilitated and/or they make threats of violent criminal acts and a desire to kill people that has been reported, our local and state government agencies have to do more in not letting repeated violent offenders have light to no prison sentences and for those who make horrific violent threats with a limited violent criminal history, maybe they shouldn’t be walking around in public, either.

I know this was wordy and I know multiple communities are grieving the Buffalo Crossroads mass shooting as well as victims and their loved ones of victims that were mentioned in past local violent crimes are still grieving.

But, this just can’t be for nothing or in vain, where if no constructive change in action occurs in the best interest of people’s safety and we just accumulate more violent tragedies, more victims that die and/or are gravely injured and more grieving family, friends and communities just because criminals who commit these horrific acts of crime didn’t have long enough legal consequences such as incarceration or if found to be extremely mentally ill were not committed when they should’ve been.

Important Note: I’m open to constructive feedback but anything that isn’t constructive, will not be posted.

I’m editing this on 2/15/2021 to add a link for a blog written by a Minnesota physician that has good insight from a physicians perspective on the challenges facing doctors when it comes to their fears regarding their safety and their challenges when it comes to prescribing and then taking patients off opiates:

Important Edit 2/11/2021: At the time this blog was written and published, only the name of alleged shooter was released and when I checked his criminal and civil record, which is a matter of public record, the order for protection and/or any charges that would proceed a need for that such as the threats he made to kill people, wasn’t a part of his record on 2/9/2021.

I’ll either edit this blog or keep it and write an addditional one, to elaborate further given that obviously warrants more discussion about this particular atrocity, given the fact he did threaten exactly what he did in 2018 which makes this even more horrific, because it was possibly more preventable had more action been taken against him whether it would’ve been incarceration or a civil commitment.


Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training in criminal psychology, law enforcement or public safety.

I can only urge that people in crisis will contact emergency services, if they or someone they know are in danger of hurting themselves or others.

Important Trigger Warnings: I do NOT believe that gun restrictions and even more opiate restrictions would’ve necessarily prevented the horrific tragedy that occurred today.

Because there has been both an increase in gun violence tragedies and overdoses, I don’t want to trigger anyone who’s lost a loved one or who had a loved one’s life changed for worse due to gun violence or opiate addiction.

What, if there was anything that might have prevented today’s tragedy (this blog is being written on 2/9/2021 but WP will show it being published on 2/10) and the dialogue though I think we as a society has to talk about, is why this blog is being written.


I happen to be reading my local news as a Minnesota resident when the story first broke about the mass shooting at Buffalo Crossroads and was heartbroken to hear of it.

I did for whatever reason have to wonder if drugs were an issue with this, even though tragedy just screamed as a revenge shooting of some kind even prior to the name of the suspect being released.

Several hours ago when they did actually, in fact name the suspect, I did check his criminal record and while having alcohol related driving offenses on his record and a criminal charge for a small amount of possession of marijuana, nothing seemed to jump out at me with his record that would make me think that this possibly could be predictable, as while in the link above, where it says that he was banned from the clinic, there’s no charge that shows that he was banned at that clinic.

Several days prior to this tragedy occuring, another article made the news about another violent man:

His record which I checked after this article had posted would’ve given people like me, who write about violent crime prevention, of a criminal history that it could possibly predict a tragedy such as what happened today in Buffalo, compared to the alleged suspect in custody of today’s mass shooting at Buffalo Crossroads.

There’s a reason why most of my blogs about violent crime prevention center around people and the feelings and need to act on, when it comes to rejection, rage and revenge and what I’ve thought about in the past in having more initiatives and resources for evaluation and treatment for people who are capable of commiting these horrific tragedies, that’s if is it’s possible to rehabilitate them.

As well as highlighting the need if people suspect loved ones or friends of being possible of commiting these horrific crimes of seeking immediate help from appropriate professionals.

The reasons why I’m NOT quick to blame a weapon or things like opiates as a possible cause, not saying that they shouldn’t be discussed is multi-faceted and complex.

In the respect that I believe that choice of weapon/s and more of a push for gun control doesn’t address the root of violent crime and the desire for people due to rejection, rage and a need for revenge, if some of that or all of that is a factor in someone’s desire to cause great bodily harm, if not death and/or emotional psychological trauma and fear.

The issue with opioids should this be used as cautionary tale kind of acts in the same way as gun control, as not prescribing opioids in a lot of people don’t lead most people to find a find a dealer in patients with severe chronic pain for those who use narcotics wisely and respectfully when they’ve exhausted all other forms both non narcotic pharmaceutical and non pharmaceutical pain management protocols, let alone patients who’ve had narcotics pulled for them leading to them being banned from a medical facility.

That needs to obviously be part of a larger discussion with all of this but pressing is the need for more resources for support for physicians, first responders and the public when so many people are already being taxed due to the pandemic and then become victims and have loved ones become victims of a horrific violent tragedy.

The majority of the local to Minnesota violent crimes awareness and prevention that I’ve written about in the past, the alleged suspect to convicted multiple criminal count offenders were white.

Most had drug offenses, driving while intoxicated, some like the man who threw the boy off of the 3rd floor balcony at Mall of America was banned from there, as well as domestic violence charges.

What they didn’t have though, is an extensive amount of jail time for the crimes they committed such as criminals like Brian Fitch, Sr. who murdered Mendota Heights police officer Scott Patrick almost 7 years ago, where he had done quite a bit of jail and prison time but not enough prior to that murder for all the violent crimes he had committed and had been convicted for and who I personally think is the poster child of why Minnesota needs the death penalty.

Also NOT one of them though had a any civil penalties such as a push for putting them on psychotropic drugs nor the possibility of potentially commiting them, where maybe it’s not for me to say whether or not that would be appropriate but it’s worth also worth discussing as it applies to today’s horrific tragedy and the other tragedies here in the state of Minnesota, as well nationally and globally, so that tragedies like today’s mass shooting, doesn’t keep happening over again.

We owe today’s victims and past victims of violent crime not just here in Minnesota but everywhere, comprehensive discussion and input from appropriate professionals and the general public when it comes to prevention, potential of rehabilitation and appropriate punitive repercussions for those who have a criminal history that indicates an escalation of violent criminal behavior that leads to past tragedies and the horrific of tragedy that happened today 2/9/2021 at Buffalo Crossroads.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims, their loved ones and friends, the Buffalo and Allina community, as well as medical, law enforcement and first responders who were effected by today’s horrific tragedy.

(more important other lifesaving links in my blog linked above, such as how to learn how to perform CPR and other emergency first aid , recognizing signs of stroke, fire prevention, evaluation of need of carrying naloxone for people who have loved ones with opioid abuse issues, as well as numerous other life saving skills)

Important Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor am I trained in matters of public safety, in normal circumstances I’d ALWAYS advise and still will advise in these abnormal times for anyone to contact emergency services if they or someone they love is in medical or mental health crisis.

With crisis resources though perhaps being critically taxed at times, it could NEVER hurt to learn emergency first aid and other crisis skills though, BEFORE an actual crisis.


When I originally published blog linked above, I was trying to be kind, trying to be more optimistic things may get better in 2021, that I really only put things out on the internet in hopes it can help people, even though people could always benefit from those skill sets.

In my life prior to becoming disabled, most of my adult life required being certified in CPR either work, volunteering or being a parent and 16 years ago when I was in the process of getting certified as a Personal Trainer.

I chose though prior to becoming disabled, to be trained in adult, child and infant CPR, as well as other emergency first aid, it giving me some peace of mind that I could do something as a parent or person.

I’ve ONLY had to perform emergency first aid one time, 17 years ago, an elderly neighbor of mine who I actually had to help evacuate our apartment building when there was a fire, tripped on her dog’s leash once outside and I had to help with major cut on her head that was bleeding as well as trying to keep my neighbor calm, as she was showing signs of neurological trauma that one didn’t necessarily need to be a physician to guess given where she sustained her most visible injuries and lacerations on her head, as well as on other parts of her body.

I have a big whopping headache right now and heartache and while I try to figure out if it’s even worth trying to see if our society can come together at all and to stop trying to be so hurtful and hateful for those we have differences, I may NOT be able to get anywhere with that.

And I just can’t understand why more people ESPECIALLY when they might have extra time on their hands, internet access and do have people they care about, at least learn emergency first aid and if they want to expand on that, there’s more resources again at the top of this blog and the blog I published that’s linked above as well as on You Tube.

I normally NEVER would believe that I’d have any kind of reason to feel morally superior to anyone, other than I figure if this cognitively disabled activist would try to save almost anyone’s life as much as I’m capable of, especially people I love the most where I’d risk dying for them, I don’t know why anyone else wouldn’t want to have skill sets that could save at least, a loved one’s life.

The other skill sets that I have as far as not being addicted to hating people, not being jealous of anyone and hoping people can concentrate more on their commonality versus their differences, elaborating on that will be attempted again (for the umpteenth time in the last several years) when I’m less headachy and heartache-y, but realized that I can’t wait to try and instill a desire to learn how to save a life (i.e a minimum of adult, child and infant cpr, choking, poison, burns, knowing signs of stroke) in others, someone who may read this and do something about it TODAY, could end up saving the life of someone they love, TOMORROW.

Important Note: Constructive feedback only, please.

Trigger Warnings: I thought movie was profound, in a very GOOD way.

It would’ve been profound in a very BAD way having neurologically sensitivities had I watched it on anything larger or louder than my 10 inch android tablet.

For people who have neurological or cognitive disabilities should keep that in mind when watching it at all or being careful where they watch it, i.e. digital device, movie theater and/or 3D/IMAX, etc….

Because this blog (the discussion not the review, itself) and my linked blog from last year might present SPOILERS for people, don’t read the comments should you read this blog and if you have seen the movie and/or choose to read my blog from last year and/or have an opinion about having superpowers or the movie and what you thought of it , feel free to comment below!!!


I haven’t seen a new movie in years!!!

If I had to wait for a movie, especially this one, after seeing the trailer over a year ago, I’d say it was definitely worth the wait, even though I’m kind of sad of why it took so long.

In my case even if I didn’t have cognitive/neuro issues being able where and how to watch the movie, living in Minnesota, I would’ve only had the choice to see on HBO Max, as the theaters are closed because of COVID-19, something I’m not wanting to discuss on this blog on whether you agree with orders like that or not, I’d rather just keep the conversation about the movie.

So what did you think of #WW84 , if you saw it?

And if you read my blog linked above and saw the movie, do you still have the same opinion, if you could have superpowers, would you and what would they be?

Important Notice: Comments that are NOT constructive will NOT be posted, thanks!!!!

For a long time being the freak of nature that I am, I’ve kind of I case wasted so much time wanting to believe that like, science was real.

Especially this year, being terror stricken about the whole COVID-19 crap, worrying about it killing innocent people, freaking out about the trauma medically and mentally it’s caused our healthcare professionals and first responders, in addition to the supposed survivors of what I think quite a few people are calling this, a “plandemic” and that lot of science and stuff on the news is fictional.

I know for me whether it is or not, when it comes to things that I’ve been embarrassed about, such as about being a long term cigarette smoker, as I’ve been led to believe in the last 35 1/2 years that I’ve been smoking that like there’s carcinogens in cigarettes, but maybe carcinogens aren’t real either and I’ve never gotten sick from smoking, as I got diagnosed with asthma before I ever picked up a cigarette at the age of 15 1/2 .

And smoking does help a lot to relax me, so it’s doing me a lot of good, so maybe those who are stressed from what I will now believe that those morons behind mainstream media have no idea what’s healthy or not or those so called doctors who also say smoking is a bad thing have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to ‘rona and smokes.

I know in my case where being fat has been an issue because it’s made me ugly, it’s never been a medical health issue for me and I’m beginning to think that while people might want to think about losing weight if they want to, if they feel or are ugly like me, if I can be fat and not be unhealthy because of it, why there’s a lot of people where maybe if fat people and thin people die due to something like a heart attack, maybe they made God mad or something or are bad people and its has NOTHING to do with science or medical malarkey.

I feel SO stupid, having believed medicine as a science and art form, all my life and I’ve wasted all this time up until now, so foolishly thinking that there was a need for medical activism.

Especially, lately I’ve been super sad , as a friend’s 8 year old child was recently diagnosed with DIPG, a supposedly aggressive form of brain cancer that is always fatal, supposedly, with the median survival time is approximately less than a year from being diagnosed.

But, worse than her so called cancer, maybe in her case I’ve been wasting all this time reading pediatric neuro-oncology studies trying to find out something or someone that might be able to save her or even caring.

She seems like a sweet kid, but for all I know, she could be a serial killer!!!

And I’m just flooded with all these other mistakes I’ve made believing in so called “science”.

I actually had my children vaccinated being dumb enough to listen to their doctors when they were young and while one is 28 and the other is almost 18, what if something happens because of that???

So, here’s to me turning a new leaf and trying to be less of a libtard, even though I’ve always tried to be more in the middle with my beliefs.

From now on, I am going to think and believe that advocating that people have a right to a safe and peaceful right to their lives online and offline , is ridiculous.

And I’m going to also stop pleading for people to try to agree to disagree, peacefully.

I don’t wanna to go to jail, so I’m just going to be steadfast that I know everything and I’m always right and for how long it takes, argue with people online to let them know how wrong they are.

Especially, I’m just not made to be violent and again I think doing something that would land me in jail or prison, being in those places might be kind of a drag.

And I’m not sure if one is allowed to smoke in jail, although they should be able to!!!

So, anyways back to the whole plandemic thing, if I am not going to do the whole medical activism thingy anymore, I still kinda like wanna write so I’m just pick different causes to do activism for such as:

1. Blind people should have the right to drive
2. Blind people should have the right to hunt with a gun
3. People should be able to drink alcohol and operate a motor vehicle
4. People should be able to smoke everywhere including schools,hospitals and daycares, as well as being able to go anywhere even when they feel really ill, as a lot of people have every right to believe that contagion, pathogens and carcinogens aren’t real things, as if God loves them they will be fine, if he doesn’t , they must be bad people and that’s why they get sick

So, I’m going to get right on working on those causes above, where people’s civil liberties are being so infringed upon, right after I come back from going outside to have a cigarette, as my own civil liberties are being infringed upon not being able to smoke inside my own apartment!!!

Important Note: Yes, I absolutely am, in my own clever and charming way making fun of conspiracy theorists, COVID-19 and science deniers and anti-vaxxers because even if beliefs aren’t hatefully rooted, they still are just as adversely life altering, if not potentially deadly.

You’re more than welcome to disagree, try to be a lil more clever than being a bully or making a death threat, though.

So… if you do disagree, try to do so, similar in the spirit I wrote this blog, as just because something doesn’t have an adverse effect on you/me, doesn’t mean it doesn’t have potential horrific consequences for another by using logic and reason, not unproven conspiracy theories.

Also note: I am not making fun of those who rely on faith or are deeply religious. I wouldn’t ever do that even if I WAS NOT an ordained minister, which I actually am.

I guess the best way I can defend being an actual medical activist and believer in science is a hypothetical situation:

Your place of worship or your home is on fire, you don’t assume it’s an act of God, that the fire isn’t real and/or a threat and you don’t just count on prayer for the fire to go out.

I’d hope in that instance, you would actually also call the fire department and/or 911 and/or emergency services in your country of residence!!!

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