It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

#Toronto

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***Disclaimers: AGAIN, I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, NOR do I have an educational or credentialed backround in ANY way, in public safety or law enforcement.

I’m not going to touch upon the horrific terrorism that killed 10 people yesterday and injured approximately 15 people, in Toronto, Canada, yesterday.

Nor am I looking to discuss where I’ve seen briefly on social media, that this particular tragedy could be used to promote a pro-gun agenda (which I’m not necessarily against except when I am, as discussed ad nauseum in other blogs) nor am I looking for the actions of a police officer, who was reluctant to possibly shoot an armed suspected mass murderer, to make a point for those officers in the U.S. who’ve shot unarmed civilians, where others are using this tragedy to make a point for that cause, as well.

I’ll actually be surprisingly on point, with a serious opinion and whether it warrants a future discussion by law enforcement professionals in future similar situations, on the off chance, I’ve missed similar opinions to mine***

I’m sure that my blogs and my skill sets ARE NOT going to have anyone in law enforcement or public safety, locally, nationally or globally, in a hurry to hire me, anytime soon.

It’s not for me to say, in yesterday’s horrific tragedy, whether or not, the Toronto police officer who captured a mass murderer/domestic terrorist, of whether his judgement was off in NOT shooting the suspect.

That Toronto police officer, is a HERO.

BUT, I have GRAVE concerns, that this could set a dangerous precedent in future tragedies, because if someone has the ability and desire to kill as many innocent people going about their day, as possible, they’d have NO problem, shooting an a police officer, when apprehended.

I’m going to have to assume, that police officers, whether in the United States or globally, when faced in dangerous situations, will use their best judgement in life or death situations, with others or in the matters of their own lives, when at risk.

I’m not trying to take away anything from a heroic officer, but because I feel that his exact judgement in another circumstance could lead to a police officer fatality/fatalities and/or more civilian fatalities, on what was already a horrific tragedy.

I AM just saying this perhaps warrants further discussion in the law enforcement communities, globally  AND how it’s being reported by multiple media outlets, of when police officers choose to or not, shoot potentially armed violent criminals.

Note: I will NOT publish anything that’s not constructive. I have NO problem being usually a wordy anti-homicide activist who cares about innocent people and law enforcement, especially in life or death situations. Thanks!!!

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*Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I am not a medical or mental health professional. Nor do I have an education in matters of law, politics and law enforcement.

I had to think VERY carefully about writing this blog, given all the circumstances. One thing I have going for me, as a disabled activist who loathes social media and has no desire to become famous or ever go viral, is the chances of that happening, even with this particular topic matter, is highly UNLIKELY, given my miniscule footprint on both social media and the internet at large.

While I worry and I write about a lot of things and I’m not best suited to tackle so specifically my concerns about someone who’s in a lot of trouble and is famous with notoriety and now in legal jeopardy, the ONLY reason why I’m writing about this, is because I’m concerned about Michael Cohen’s possible state of mind and feel a responsibility as an activist, to bring this up and hope I’m wrong, even though freedom of speech and expression has NEVER been in more jeopardy for writers, I’d rather risk writing something that I’m concerned about, but that NO ONE is talking about, then NOT say anything and be right in my concerns but not say anything and something terrible happens.

It’s not for me or anyone outside of law enforcement who hasn’t been a victim of his misactions  to judge and act as a jury,  of how Mr. Cohen found himself in the legal circumstances he’s in, it’s only my duty as an activist to point out, that it’s not totally out of left field that for how much scrutiny he’s facing, that I’m concerned for his mental wellbeing, given the circumstances. *

I REALLY didn’t want to write this blog.

I REALLY didn’t want to use the “meme” that I used above, for this particular purpose.

The majority of my blogs and my activism deal with people who are victims of serious trauma or horrific circumstances, whether it be childhood rape or childhood cancer.

As well as the blogs that I don’t write about people, but worry about, such as those  who suffer such atrocities such as being victims in war ravaged countries, those who are dying in third world countries everyday due to starvation and disease.

While a lot of my blogs are about atrocities that can happen in first world countries, such as the United States, I very rarely touch people who are at risk due to bad judgement or have been accused of constantly being in unethical dealings with other people, who could be at risk, when in an enormous amount of trouble.

I’d be lying by omission, if I didn’t admit that my reasons ARE NOT completely altruistic, in worrying about the state of Michael Cohen’s mental health and what that could possibly lead to, if for any reason, he would die, suddenly.

But in this case, I have a responsibility as a mental health activist and I don’t think given how much trouble he’s in, in so many ways, that’s it’s totally out of left field, that when faced with all this scrutiny and legal jeopardy and his life being in shambles, that for his sake and that of his family’s, that he’s way stronger than I’m giving him credit for now.

I don’t know him, again, I’m not a mental health professional, just a mental health activist.

And while I hope I’m completely wrong in my being any way concerned about his mental health and mental fitness, of where he is right now, if I’m not, I hope for his sake, and that of his family, that he’s surrounded by the support systems he needs to survive what he’s going through now.

That’s all.

Note: All constructive feedback and dialogue is welcomed. Save your hate. And anyone who’s in a position, given now the threat that freedom of speech and opinion that’s especially NOT being stated with ANY malice, whatsoever, ya can’t blood out of a turnip, ya know, RIGHT???  Thanks!!!

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(for my international readers http://www.befrienders.org)

*Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained or credentialed medical or mental health professional, nor am I am a professionally trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety. I will ALWAYS encourage people in crisis to seek acute professional help in an appropriate setting or if necessary, contact emergency services.

(There also will be profanity, in this blog and honest talk about living and dying from addiction and the human predilection for addiction, if that’s offensive, PLEASE don’t read) *

I won’t BACK down!!!

Shit, wrong artist!!!

NO, I’m not being glib.

On this second anniversary of Prince’s death, where initially, I had a fear that I didn’t want Prince to be the poster child for accidental illegal drug overdose, I decided it was more important as an activist to make sure he didn’t die in vain.

It was driven home more, when Tom Petty died under similar circumstances, involving the drug Fentanyl last year, as well as other famous beloved people, as well as those of us who lose loved ones in death or in the depths of despair due to drug addiction, every year.

I’ve gone on record, so to speak, in past blogs in greater detail, that I think Fentanyl is a fucking EVIL drug.

Heroin is, too.

But any substance or entity that can cause addictive behaviors in humans that ruin their lives, if not end them, can be considered “evil”, to at least someone.

I tried before starting this blog, to find a “quote meme” that would do addiction “justice” on this 2nd anniversary of Prince’s death and for anyone who could relate.

I defaulted to above “meme” only because I figured I’d be better serving my readers, resources, as well as trying to be a part of the dialogue on honest talk about addiction.

I have addiction issues and an addictive personality.

I ONLY escaped drug addiction, due to the either horrific side effects of them or because I metabolize other drugs (prescription and/or not illegal) so quickly, that it’s difficult physiologically to build up an addiction to them.

I’m only injecting my personal issues with addiction, as this is a blog, it’s not an article and it’s not something that would be too helpful for me to go on in more detail, like I have in previous blogs about my own personal demons, which I have.

But it would be disingenous to write a blog about addiction in others, without disclosing my own issues, at least acknowledging that they most definitely exist.

Living in the hometown of Prince, there is a celebration of his life this weekend, on this 2nd anniversary of his death and I get why for all of those who loved him and his music, of why that’s so important to take place.

But if I’m going to be honest, even though I’m not a super fan, as much as I know about addiction and human strengths and human frailities, there’s a part of me that’s SO angry, that he’s gone.

As well as now, Tom Petty, like I said before.

Or my friend “N” who died almost 6 years ago, when in medical crisis, she developed an addiction after being on IV narcs due to extended hospitalizations and ended up with a heroin addiction, that NO ONE knew about, until she accidently overdosed from a bad batch of Heroin.

I consider myself “lucky” to a certain extent, as much as anyone who suffers and has to deal day to day with severe persistent mental health issues and intractable severe widespread and localized physical pain, that drugs never became a crisis situation for me, either living with a drug addiction or nearly dying from one, other than my suicide attempt almost 10 years ago, where I tried to intentionally overdose on prescribed narcotics for me.

But I think of Prince or my friend N and they died before they could see so many things, as locals to Minneapolis, as well as anyone who loses loved ones due to addiction.

As far as Prince, he missed U.S Bank Stadium being finally completed, he missed  “52”!!!

I don’t think and I’m not trying to come of self serving, that I don’t get as mad about the genius of him and his ability to create music that we could related to, being cut so short, as much as I get angry and sad, about his right to would’ve been to live his life, that was cut short, due to the depth of an addiction, that really NO ONE could’ve said, could’ve been avoided.

What exactly do I mean by that???

Because most people if they don’t have severe chronic pain OR they are afraid of using any kind of opiate or strong presciption pain medication or wouldn’t think of using any kind of street drug, have NO idea of what it’s like to not only be a slave to addiction, but to be in so much pain physically, that it alone becomes soul crushing and then you add addiction to a substance/s on top of it.

What’s exactly the answer to this then, with addiction to drugs or anything else, that ruins people’s lives, if NOT, actually ENDS them???

Because while people can try to legislate any substance or anything that can be abused or cause a fatality/fatalities, a wise blogger once said (ME!!!) that “You CANNOT legislate addiction, AWAY”.

Not everything that causes addiction in one person, will cause addiction in another.

I can’t say what the cure or the answer is to addiction of drugs (prescription or illegal) or any kind of addiction that ruins lives, if not ends them.

What’s in the root of addiction and what the recovery of what one’s person’s addiction will look like, will vary being as unique, as we all are.

But we have to acknowledge that most humans are addicted to something and try to find different alternative approaches to prevention, evaluation and treatment of addictions.

That CANNOT happen though, with moral judgements and/or stigma.

Note: Constructive feedback, ONLY, please. Thanks!!!

 

 

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Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically or credentially  trained professional in medical, mental health, law enforcement and/or  in public safety. IF anyone you know is in crisis and is a danger to themselves or others,  please contact law enforcement immediately, on my previous blog to this one, I have dozens of national links and one global link on my previous blog.

Unfortunately, the above disclaimer wouldn’t have done any good, yesterday.

I’m talking about the attempted potential mass murder and suicide of a shooter at the You Tube Headquarters in San Bruno, California, yesterday.

Her family did the right thing.

And this blog and my intentions isn’t to cast blame on anyone but the shooter.

And ask once again, could’ve anything been done to prevent this, well with initiatives, at least and what they need to look like, at this point.

But because as an activist, while I rely on quotes and the work of Dr. Martin Luther King, to help inspire me. I’m going to look at using some of his work, to help in hopes that at least some of these tragedies can possibly be prevented, that go beyond gun control and mental health awareness, which I believe in, I just don’t believe it’s enough.

On this 50th anniversary of MLK’s assassination, I’m looking to his work tonight, to bring out his wisdom and kindness in such a scary digital age, 5 decades later to see if any of these tragedies can be prevented, possibly.

I had thought yesterday after the shooting and the news coverage, once the shooter was identified as being dead, I’d leave this alone.

I spent yesterday morning running errands and had an afternoon appointment when I came home to decompress and lots of times I do that by watching You Tube, as I have a paid account (YouTube Red) and no cable.

Only when taking a quick break to check on email, about 20 minutes after it started to trend about an active shooter situation.

But the motives and end results, where in this case, one of the victims is still in critical condition, these happen too often with different motives of the shooter and different degrees of horrifying end outcomes.

I spent most of my morning yesterday, explaining in random details to the person helping me run errands, prior to the tragedy yesterday, of explaining why I do something in regards to murder/suicide prevention, as a blogger and activist.

I don’t think I’m the most qualified (hardly), but it’s something that’s now almost becoming a daily horrifying tragedy in the United States with varying opinions arguing who’s the more right but no professional insight from those trained in dealing with abnormal/trauma psychiatry or psychology.

The above quote by MLK I think could do a lot in preventing these tragedies from occurring, as far as teaching forgiveness, kindness and empathy and and how to productively deal with rejection and rage, from the time people are young.

But when talking about this tragedy on Facebook, I brought up something and it’s something to consider.

I have to wonder if some of these tragedies are based in an abhorrent/abnormal mindset of “emotional self defense” of the worst kind.

Meaning people when feeling wronged, it’s okay to be upset, it’s not okay to take away people’s inherent right to peace of mind, not at the expense of others, nor at the expense of human life, EXCEPT when people are in a situation of mortal danger, but some people are not seeming to rationally realize this, at this point.

I have the expression about myself that I’m “damaged but not dangerous” and while there’s a lot of things I don’t like about myself or my life and while I’m pondering if there’s more I can do to be a more productive human being, I can say that trying to help people learn in a constructive way, from my own personal tragedies, may have not led to physical wealth and the ultimate in personal success, but I can feel at least a small sense of pride, that what I went through, it wasn’t in vain.

And I’m not saying that all people should be this way, I do believe people have to find their own way in the world, but whether or not someone is capable of forgiveness, they shouldn’t be capable of such short sighted but irrevocable revenge, especially when it comes to loss of life, in situations that aren’t literally a matter of life or death, if EVER.

As I’ve said before in previous blogs, I use the internet to have some quality of life, I don’t think it’s good for people who even make a living on social media, to make a life or live life on the multiple platforms of social media, that are now available to us.

And that mental health and/or fitness (which yes, it’s possible, even when having different mental illnesses) and agility, is EQUALLY important as physical health.

And also as I’ve said in recent blogs and blogs for years now, on the topic of mass murder and murder/suicide rooted in rejection and rage (or for ANY reason), teaching that there is no shame in getting help for oneself and maybe we need to teach people how to help themselves, get acute professional help, whenever it’s possible, before they hurt and/or kill themselves and others.

So when I’m sad that we live in such a divided angry society with a growing daily body count of innocent others, I’m going to continue to ask myself “What would MLK do???”.

So that he didn’t die in vain and the many people now, who are continuing to die because of deadly violent rage.

And maybe it would help others, to do the same.

Peace….

Note: Blog being published on 4-4-2018. Constructive input welcomed. No hate, please.

And while it makes me nauseous to have to say this, if one can’t find comfort and wisdom in the works of MLK, there’s always Mr. Rogers, K?

Thanks!!!

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Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical, mental health or credientialed in public safety, law enforcement and in social services.

The ONLY reason why I keep writing these blogs about domestic murder/suicides is that they keep happening and there is NO specific initiative in place. I found one murder/suicide initiative that was started 20 years ago, but it was only in respect to female partners being killed by their male partner.

I don’t know how many more people have to innocently die, especially when whole entire immediate families are dying this way, without more initiatives in place for prevention and/or rehabilitation.

I ask respectfully though, I do these blogs, where my immediate family knows somewhat of why I keep doing this, but they are really private people and in hopes of making sense and there being a greater purpose that we went through wasn’t in vain.

But an activist/blogger who purposely doesn’t want a lot of attention and is disabled, I’m limited on what I can do. I hope those who have more resources or stories of where they were in crisis but got help before irreversible tragedy happened or clinical trained professionals in abnormal psychology, can speak up on ideas, if it’s possible for prevention.

I will say my normal disclaimer, if you or someone you love, is in DANGER of hurting themselves or others, please seek immediate acute help by calling 911 (or because I’m read outside of the U.S and North America emergency services in your area or looking up http://www.befrienders.org) immediately.

Editorial Note: This majority of this  blog was written on 3/29/2018, I hesitated in publishing it under the assumption that it was a domestic murder/suicide, even though it had the signs of one until more data was released, that I just caught today. It was unclear at the time of publishing due to conflicting news, of where it is possible that there were 3 surviving children, it still doesn’t change the nature or the point I’m trying to make in the blog, it’s still beyond tragic.

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I had just noticed the story, yesterday. Where a family of 5, where they had MN roots like I do, but were living on the West Coast, that the 2 parents and 3 of their children, their bodies earlier this week were found, after their vehicle had gone off a road into the Pacific Ocean.

Because the family had 3 other siblings, it’s now being suspected they died, as well, even though their bodies haven’t been found yet.

There has been talk because the mothers had a recent child neglect/abuse claim against them, if that was the motive, possibly, of their deaths.

When family and friends of the victims were interviewed, they were noted to be nice people who were activists for positive change, even though some of their neighbors found some of the behaviors in the parents questionable, as far as the children not being taken care of properly.

None of the above am I making any judgement nor at the same time, excusing.

While I remember the good mother I was 20 years ago, I also remember the neglectful mother I became a little over 10 years ago, when in medical and mental health crisis.

While I’ve written many blogs about that period of time, in hopes to remove stigma, I’ve written many more blogs about domestic murder/suicide that involve children, there is one topic that I have NOT brought up when it comes to these horrific tragedies, that I do have to wonder, if it places apart, even though I don’t and will NEVER understand it.

I remember when I was that shamefilled terrified mother of 2, worried about the possibility of my children being taken away, while I somewhat was aware of the fact, that my parents or sisters would never let that happen, I also was terrified if something should happen where my kids would be taken away and be put in a system, where they be physically assaulted or raped.

I knew after having a past history of doing both volunteer work in a battered woman’s shelter and also facilitating a single parent support group, that is hard working as our Department of Human Services staff are, they are extremely overworked, underpaid and underappreciated.

That hasn’t changed since 1988/89 when I was a volunteer at that battered woman’s shelter, in 1998 when I worked as a single parent faciliator of a support group with my local YMCA (when one is considered a mandated reporter, just like I consider myself now, being such a serious activist but responding to personal queries for medical/mh help) and it was the same when I found myself 10 years later, with my own CPS and APS case in 2007 for hoarding and a brief one, post suicide attempt in 2008, where I didn’t fight where my children were going to be, only fought my potentially being committed.

Although my CPS worker in 2007 did see that there was love in my home and my kids’s basic needs were being met and she met with me weekly for months prior to my case being discharged, as well as I was ordered to be in therapy and that manditory cleanup, which she helped participate in.

It’s not for me to second guess that the kids were NOT immediately removed from their home.

If parents seem loving but are struggling, the last thing DHS/CPS  (or any similar agency in one’s locale) is rip kids from a loving home, even if it is unstable and sometimes doing that can be more traumatic for a child and/or children than leaving them with their parents.

The point I’m trying to make and unfortunately we may never know in these circumstances of why this family was wiped out or in other cases where it seemed like loving parents that I’ve wrote about (or even families that I haven’t) take out their entire family including children, is maybe due to some kind of HORRIBLY misguided sense of LOVE.

I can’t even try to wrap my head around that, though.

I can understand where people feel so trapped that sometimes and I’m choosing my words, very, very, very carefully, that suicide can not only feel like it’s the only choice that someone can make for themselves, it’s not necessarily hate based but out of compassion for one’s self, depending on their degree of suffering.

But ending someone elses life, ever or especially in a case, where it’s one’s child or partner, I don’t understand that and am only trying to, identify potential motives in these tragedies,  to be a better activist in the name of prevention of these horrible tragedies that keep happening over and over again.

If I had a chance where I’d have the opportunity, which I will NOW, as far as this blog being written, I’d beg someone to get serious help before hurting themselves and others, let alone killing them.

I’d beg them to see that even in our worst trying times, things can get better, even if it may take a long time, but that no one has the right to take the peace of mind or to take the right of life FOR  someone else.

I don’t see in this case, unless it comes out that the parents involved talked to someone else about the problems and or concern of what the tragic end outcome was in this case, that it could’ve necessarily been prevented.

But for a family that adopted children in hopes to give them a better life, as well as the good things they did throughout their lives (which unfortunately ultimately doesn’t matter, if one or both parents were responsible in the deaths of their children) and for their lives, ultimately, to end in the worst way possible,

I hope this can start a dialogue and a movement for prevention and rehabilitation initiatives, so that this ENTIRE family, like families before them, didn’t die in vain.

It just goes beyond the scope of my comprehension of any one human beings last memory of being murdered, but especially by someone who they love more than anything.

And that’s probably why I won’t stop blogging about this, until major initiatives are in place, for prevention of these horrific tragedies, happening over and over again.

Note: Please, only constructive feedback is wanted. I honestly wish I had more resources at my disposal to do more in prevention than blogging about it. Thanks!!!

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Disclaimers; I’m writing this blog in hopes that it helps both patients and providers of what used to be formerly called Hennepin County Medical Center but is now called Hennepin Healthcare.

The last blog that I did about HCMC, was NOT good in 2014. It wasn’t because a doctor that I had seen who was super kind, but she refused to treat me at all in the Urgent Care even though I didn’t want to go to their ER, so I left without any care, because their ER did and still scares me, but hopefully the insight I give can help what was great respectful attention by their physicians, something I’m not used to getting as a former “frequent flyer” at Fairview University Medical Center, for teaching purposes, if they or other patients who are local can find any value in this blog.

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February of 2018 was not a fun a month medically or with anxiety.

I’m not shy about being a medical activist of sorts, but one who loathes seeking ANY kind of medical attention at all, but especially with any provider that I have no previous history with, such as my Fairview PCP who’s been my doctor for like almost 20 years now, but is 50 miles away from where I live.

I’m a complex patient with a lot of quirks.

The one good thing is I am fully aware of what my barriers are and at the same time can identify pretty clearly what’s a barrier but also what could be a potential medical event in me.

I ended up with an episode of A-fib with no cardiac history that actually didn’t send me to the UR or ER about 2 weeks prior to the visit I had on 2-28-2018.

I did end up going to the Urgent Care originally on that date when I had severe radiating upper quadrant pain and for a long term gastric bypass (and reversal!!!) patient, I still not only have my gallbladder, but appendix and tonsils, pretty much all my parts I was born with.

The nice urgent care PA that I saw originally did want to send me over to the ER. He knew my hesitancy though, so he did everything to rule out stuff he could in the Urgent Care by doing an EKG and chest x-ray which was normal and then he strongly suggested I go over there and this time I decided to do so, knowing my youngest’s birthday was in 4 weeks and if something was wrong but easily correctable, I didn’t want to be super sick and ruin her birthday.

The hardest part for seeking medical attention in an acute care setting truthfully boiled down to this particular reason:

Last time I was in an ER was at HCMC in 11/2014, 2 days prior to above mentioned UR visit first due to intractable projectile vomiting then for what felt like could be pneumonia or apsirating the vomiting.

Last time I was in an ER at FUMC was over 5 years ago and it was so bad, the ER doctor treated me like a drug seeking hypochondriac who resented that I got my PCP involved and sent me home not knowing I’d be stuck having to get home in a cold snow storm walking while weak and in an altered state of consciousness due to severe pain for a mile,  prior to the Blue Line being built as I couldn’t obtail a medical ride home (something I’m eligble for but there was no availability at that time of night) , got lost on campus and it took me 2 hours to find a bus that would get me home, even though I only live 2 miles away and put me at further risk.

I never held against that doctor of not suspecting at the time my medical event, which was to get worse was due to an IUD (Mirena, which I ended up Mirena crashing) but I had a lot of severe symptoms such as projectile vomiting blood and intractable atypical migraines (for me, as I do have a migraine history) that she didn’t run one diagnostic on me, in 2/2013.

Truthfully the nurse I ended up having last month was kind of a jerk (I’ll elaborate more, later).  I was nervous and slightly wordy and I think I got on his nerves.

The resident and the doctor in charge though of the ER, was AWESOME.

They were patient and kind, they took me at my word (it also helped with my history of not seeking frequently acute attention) that I was in a lot of unusual pain for me.

They didn’t label me and they didn’t make me feel bad, being at a level 1 trauma center, when it ended up being a potential gallbladder attack.

The ONLY disconcerting thing about the visit was that my anxiety was high because there was patients who were out of control, such as one screaming patient being restrained to a gurney, the other was screaming and wandering around the ER.

When that happened, I did tell my nurse I was going to have a cigarette because I was having an enormous amount of anxiety and a terrible panic attack and when I went to do that the first time, the nurse was kind of a jerk.

FUMC will NOT let you out of the ER, once you’re roomed and I sorta get it, unless you’re not on IV narcs which I wasn’t on nor was I asking for.

But the nurse didn’t seem to understand that with other wandering patients, I didn’t want to appear to be a security risk, as a stupid smoker nor did I want any doctors having to go look for me, as I had a diagnostic that still needed to be done.

When the 2nd time I went to have a cigarette and told the same uncaring nurse, the resident in charge of my care, overheard and said that she would be in after I came back.

She made no judgement about my smoking outside, when in an ER, she got that I was trying to be respectful of her time and was super kind, respectful and caring.

Because I live only 2 blocks away and my anxiety was high, it was okay with her, after my ultrasound that showed gallstones, that I could go home, but with the understanding I’d come back if there was something wrong with my bloodwork, which I appreciated.

A few days later when I spoke to my PCP on the phone and was explaining the difference in quality of care between hospital systems, because I needed a referral to a general surgeon for a potential cholesysectomy, if not a hernia repair (I’ve had a hernia for the last 7 years because of my open rny reversal) she asked what hospital to do it for.

She understood that I’d rather go to a hospital where the patients scare me a lot. than the doctors do. That I’d be okay with an outpatient procedure at HCMC vs. FUMC because the quality of care in consideration, is better.

I don’t think either hospital system is going to read this blog, even though I will forward it to HCMC, okay, now called Hennepin Healthcare, as while it’s not for me to second guess a hospital that has a psych ER, of why patients are in a medical unit, maybe that needs to be addressed first as medical issues being addressed, before they get transferred to psych.

But I am good patient. I’m honest that I’m not fully compliant in things. I know my traits, such as if I’m nervous, even if I’m sick, will make anxiety prone and pace and I’ll explain that to medical staff, in case it scares them.

I’m also super polite and respectful of authority unless a doctor treats me like total crap and while I can be blunt and abrasive, I’m not abusive nor do I have any violent tendancies other than I can be mean in my wording, when super provoked, and if that happens (which it has multiple times in the ER at FUMC, I’ve just disconnected an IV in an ER of saline and gone home, that’s it, it’s a big deal but doesn’t make me a safety threat to anyone other than myself but I get treated like I’m a safety threat potentially to the entire hospital, short of security being called).

The only thing I do want to get across to Hennepin Healthcare, is that truthfully, even though I’m a mental and medical health advocate and blogger, I AM afraid to be in their ER and I’m afraid to have an inpatient procedure there, as truthfully I’d admit, I’m not above being admitted and wanting, if not leaving,  to go home, if I’m scared enough and I get that where that can be disconcerting if not a liability to a hospital, but I can’t stay somewhere when vulnerable but not feeling safe.

But I’ll take my chances at Hennepin Healthcare vs. FUMC  where I trust that the respect will be there and I’m not so quick to be labeled.

At least if it’s outpatient care and that’s something I hope they will address further within their hospital as far as potential safety risks to patients and appreciate that the time I’ve taken, because I wasn’t given any kind of followup inquiry on how the service was for that UR/ER visit, that they take both in consideration my appreciation of their kindness but my fear of unstable patients not being monitored closely and a burnt out ER nurse who had absolutely NO reason to be rude to me.

Note: I realize this was SUPER  wordy. I couldn’t convey anything of due importance in giving feedback that read like a Tweet.

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Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained professional nor am I credentialed in matters of law enforcement, law or public safety.

That doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to an opinion, as a disabled activist of sorts, especially in matters of life or death or trying to prevent a tragedy, which in the case of Justine Damond’s death, that I don’t cause more harm to all of us who hurt because of it, especially Justine’s loved ones, in the unlikely event that this blog makes it on their radar.

In my case though, as an activist where I think more in shades of grey versus black or white, in matters (as well as people, as reverse racism has been brought up in this tragedy), if I can defend as a local activist,  a hunter with a sucky hobby, like I did in the case of Cecil the Lion, I can ONLY do what I feel is right, as a resident of Minneapolis (Downtown, specifically) when it comes to this matter, which to me is so complicated and there is so much hurt.

I ask TWO things, should you read this particular blog of mine.

That is, it’s done with the most respect for Justine’s life and death, without wanting to cause further hurt.

And it does without blaming anyone, of discussing ideas, which is already being discussed in multiple ways, here in Minneapolis, that this should NEVER happen again but discussing in fairness to former Officer Mohamed Noor, who’s been charged with murder, with sensitivity to that, too.

I do have as a blogger/activist, a tendency to digress both due to disability and to make a point.

If I’m not CRYSTAL clear in my intentions, please ask for clarification, before making an assumption.

Thank You!!!!

***

I actually started a similar blog about this, last week, when it first broke that our Hennepin County Attorney General Mike Freeman, was going to charge, now former MPD Officer Mohamed Noor, in the tragic shooting of Justine Damond, last summer, a woman who called 911, thinking an assault was taking place and lost her life, because of that, when suddenly greeting the officers.

Both her death last summer and now the charging of murder and manslaughter of Mohamed Noor, has made international headlines.

I’m now going to purposely digress, in hopes of making what I think is a valid point.

I LOVE Ellen Degeneres. I love the Ellen show and the happiness break it brings me both as a disabled person and as an activist/blogger about life and death topics, it brings me a lot of joy.

There is though, one thing Ellen does that I absolutely CANNOT stand. I mean like literally cannot bear.

That’s when she tries on purpose to SCARE people.

Rationally and intellectually, I get that it’s all in good fun, some people find that surprises or pranks played upon them, is a fun harmless distraction.

I’ve NEVER liked though surprises or pranks and that’s a million times worse, in the last 5 years living in Minneapolis of now not only have PTSD issues but Acute Stress Response disorder, meaning I have a sympathetic nervous system in overdrive, everytime I get triggered by sounds that scare me, whether it be someone suddenly grabbbing, me, even if it’s innocent, if I hear sirens (and I live 2 blocks away from a level 1 trauma center) or I hear loud arguing or banging noises.

I’m in NO WAY, honestly trying to accuse Justine being a party in her own death, her circumstances are tragic and irreversible.

She didn’t just call 911 once that night, she called it TWICE.

The problem is, from a perspective of someone in my case, where I’m not acutely trying to fight crime on a daily basis or nor am I an armed individual, a sudden bang in my perspective, in the dark, will send my sympathetic nervous system in a state of fight or flight not just for hours, but severely for DAYS.

In that respect, I can’t help even if I could understand why she did that, such as banging on the back of the squad car, because she might have been upset on the response time, in a dark alley, those 2 officers who both reached for their guns, couldn’t tell until they saw her who or what she was and whether or not she was armed.

I did watch when Mike Freeman explained why he was charging Mohamed Noor. I did watch when both our Minneapolis Police Chief Medaria Arradondo and Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey did a joint press conference after that, stressing their condolences for Justine and her loved ones and a sincere effort to be made that this doesn’t happen ever again and a hope that justice will be served.

I would NEVER have attempted to write this, in an age that unfortunately does NO LONGER exist.

As Mohamed Noor by a great many, has ALREADY been charged and convicted of murder, at the time of Justine’s death last summer, in the court of social media.

And when I think of people where I’ve written blogs where such as Cecil the Lion or the tragic shooting death of a Mendota Heights police officer by a habitual violent felon who should’ve NEVER been free to hurt another a plant, let alone kill a peace officer in cold blood, I can’t stay silent on this topic.

The point and the vary problem in this specific tragedy is that it’s IMPOSSIBLE for justice to be served, in my non credentialed non law enforcement/public safety opinion.

It’s not fair that an innocent person who tried to help someone in crisis is dead.

But it’s also not fair, that someone we expected to risk their life, EVERYDAY, is at risk of losing his freedom, for the rest or a good majority of his young life, that he only had a matter of a few seconds of making a decision that could’ve been at the cost of his own life or his partner.

None of us who’ve ever been faced with such circumstances would really know what the right thing is to do.

But apparently everyone has an opinion and it’s either on the side of justice for Justine, no matter what the cost is, not knowing what it was like to be in Officer Harrity or Mohamed Noor’s shoes.

Or the polar opposite, that law enforcement shouldn’t ever have to face a jury or consequence for shooting an unarmed civilian who lost her life when thinking she was helping another, in crisis.

Justice doesn’t always have an equal or fairness to both sides, such as in our local case of the shooting by that violent felon who killed a peace officer, who should’ve never been out and only is serving life in prison versus the death penalty that we do NOT have in the State of Minnesota.

But, in this particular case, I honestly don’t know how it could EVER be fairly served and that makes me so sad for Justine Damond and her loved ones.

But, it does also make me sad for Mohamed Noor and his family, in these particular awful circumstances.

Note: I will NOT publish any opinions that aren’t respectfully motivated. Unless Justine and/or her loved ones actually decide to respond or someone who’s local in law enforcement has been faced with a similar circumstances and didn’t shoot someone unarmed after hearing a loud bang, there isn’t much you can do to dissuade me from having empathy for both sides.

I’m only expressing this, because this is such a polarized tragedy with empathy for one side and borderline hatred for another.

All I’m trying to accomplish is saying, I can feel horrible for Justine, but have empathy for Mohamed Noor, given the circumstances, but needed an additional 1300 words to explain WHY. Thanks!!!

Editorial Note: didn’t realize until an hour after publishing that I wasn’t clear about one fact that really isn’t relevant to the blog. I wasn’t crystal clear that I don’t own nor have I ever even touched a firearm.

That shouldn’t be cause for concern in anyone, regardless, but felt the need to update blog, to reflect that and one other less controversial point.

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