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Archive for the ‘MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCACY’ Category

A NOT so gentle reminder about the medical and mental health HAZARDS of fireworks, not just around Independence Day but any day in the #COVID19 era…

(REPOST/Originally published 2017, due to the safety issues this blog addresses, especially now in the COVID-19 era, as well as with all the social unrest thought it was worth re-working and re-publishing)

fireworks

https://www.forbes.com/sites/tommybeer/2020/06/22/firework-salesand-complaintsskyrocket-across-america/#4428181d515e

http://www.popsugar.com/moms/Babies-Fireworks-Yes-27331158

http://www.westsoundwildlife.org/wildlife/Coexisting/CO_Fireworks.html

http://www.peteducation.com/article.cfm?c=1+2174&aid=2545

http://www.cpsc.gov/en/Newsroom/News-Releases/2014/CPSC-Reports-Increase-in-Fireworks-Related-Deaths-and-Injuries-in-20131/

http://www.nfpa.org/news-and-research/fire-statistics-and-reports/fire-statistics/fire-causes/fireworks

For those who shoot off fireworks near their cabin, that doesn’t have any neighbors within a 100 acre radius,  this blog isn’t for you….Although it still might help due to the safety issues consumer fireworks, pose on people,pets and property.

As Independence Day approaches, this needs to be said. I LOVE elaborate  firework displays, as far as municipal/professional firework displays, executed by pyrotechnic professionals , just like most people, who might be sad that they are cancelled this year because of COVID-19.

While I don’t have PTSD triggers from fireworks ( I do from other life issues), lots of people and pets, DO have PTSD triggers from fireworks.

Although the noise from fireworks, does cause physical and emotional distress for me personally, as I get older and more sensitive to noise and light,  but can’t be classified as a PTSD trigger, as it for so many people.

And that’s one of the  the reasons for this blog. The safety issues that consumer fireworks can pose, is the other reason for this blog.

As well as  the reason why this blog is being re-written, is given the increase in amount of consumer firework usage in 2020, which while great for makers of those products, it’s not so great for so many where the noise is nuisance at best, to causing panic and fear and increase risk of injury being an additional unnecessary health threat in already overworked healthcare system.

The above links do explain the PTSD triggers and physical and emotional distress that fireworks can cause in our military people with PTSD, babies and toddlers and pets.

Consumer fireworks can also cause PTSD triggers in people who have survived shootings and/or have lost a loved one, who either died or survived a being shot by a gun.

Going into this weekend and the holiday weekend afterwards and going forward, this is a gentle reminder, that if one loves to shoot off consumer fireworks, please understand you could be cause psychological if not physical harm to both people and pets.

So please keep in mind, that while even if it may be legal for you to shoot off consumer fireworks, it’s not a good idea for multiple reasons to do so over and over on any given day or night.

In addition to the PTSD trigger  issues that it may trigger in what I said in above and in links, 8 people died  and 11,400 people were injured due to consumer fireworks in 2013. That’s an increase from years prior, as more states have made them legal.

Just because they are legal, doesn’t mean they aren’t a safety hazard both physically and mentally, is the point I’m trying to get across.

And if you’re going to do so, do so on the 4th of July, around dusk, when people expect to have to deal with the noise from them.

Any other day and any other time,  makes it harder on those with PTSD triggers and is still a safety threat.

So if you wouldn’t drive a car or operate a boat, intoxicated, don’t think that you’re any better off personally or to the public , if you’re randomly shooting fireworks, to either celebrate the 4th of July or any other holiday or personal celebration, multiple times on random days or nights.

There are better ways to show that you’re patriotic, that doesn’t have an adverse effect on others, like consumer fireworks DO.

Don’t even bother trying to argue with me, that this  a free country and you can do what you like, just because it may be legal, where you live.

People who fought for your freedoms, are being adversely effected by consumer fireworks being launched on any other day or time, so you’re not honoring them.

What you’re actually doing is showing that you’re a jerk, with a total disregard for people, pets and the general public, by launching fireworks at any other time, than dusk on the 4th of July.

So if boredom is one of the reasons that consumer firework sales and usage is up this year, instead of scaring babies, toddlers and pets unnecessarily, how about learning a new skill?

A great wise witty blogger has suggested for those so bored during the pandemic and maybe that’s why some are shooting off fireworks willy nilly, how about doing  something quietly useful, like learning how to save a life:
https://unstapledlisa.wordpress.com/2020/03/30/learn-how-to-save-a-life/

There’s many ways to honor our nation and our nation’s birthday without explosives, exploitation, cancel culture and death threats, just cause someone differs in aesthetics and opinions than one another, that does actually  honor and celebrates our great diverse nation, not divides and tries to decimate it.

Note: Respectful difference of opinions will be published. Feedback as far as those who suffer from PTSD triggered  by consumer fireworks are also welcomed.

Disrespectful comments are not going to be welcomed , NOR  will they be published.

My blog, while NOT a dictatorship, ain’t a democracy, either. So please don’t waste your time or mine, with anything hateful.  Thanks!!!!

#SuicidePrevention help for those who are frontline workers in the era of #COVID19 who know how to save others lives BUT not their own….

http://www.befrienders.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

inspirational quotes suicidal person Best of lost black and white depressed depression sad suicidal suicide

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training in public safety.

I will always advise those in crisis seek immediate professional assistance from emergency services, going to the closest acute care facility or contacting above links for help.

The BUT though of why people especially physicians, nurses and first responders who know the resources but for reasons that I’ll address in blog, when in crisis themselves, would be the last people on the planet to actually contact them.

So, while the resources posted above are either for those who don’t know about the resources and are in need of them or  really are in hopes for those people who know crisis resources due to profession to have a change of heart or mind, but if they aren’t able to, to talk more about their suicidal ideation by seeking other avenues of support that hopefully can help with bring some calm, comfort and clarity, which is so hard to come by, when one is in actual crisis.

But if one is not able to, something I understand, as someone who’s struggled with suicidal ideation knows all the resources, knows and has saved other people’s lives but has struggled when it’s come to saving my own life, hopefully this will help.

I don’t though want to trigger anyone, if topic matter is not able to provide constructive help, hope and healing, I beg of you to find something that will help you find the support you need to get through the crisis you are dealing with.

***

IF a picture is worth a thousand words, the above picture quote in this blog is worth about 10 million.

I’m not digressing by saying that, it just says as concisely and correctly as possible, how people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The target population of this blog, is physicians, other frontline workers, first responders who are at risk of suicide, not that I don’t hope that what I say could help anyone who may be in need, and while I’ve addressed multiple times for suicide prevention/awareness in society, I’ve only addressed this in physician populations only once before prior to the COVID-19 era.

As a non clinical professional who still in a roundabout way treats patients (bariatric surgical complication patients) but more of a last responder than a first one, having medical and mental health crisis due to my own bariatric complications that were unpleasant, unprecedented, life threatening and unpredictable even after they were no longer life threatening, for years that have left me for almost 1/3rd of my life now, to live a life with a new normal, I know but only a tiny bit but so well the struggle and the suffering.

Just like most medical professionals, frontline workers and first responders didn’t need COVID-19 to know the fragility and complexity of disease to humans, it’s just that now we are all are confronted by so much more unprecedented unpredictable crisis beyond what even the most stable of psyches couldn’t still possibly comprehend and process constructively, especially in a global state of crisis.

The thing first and foremost is the realization, you didn’t sign up for this, while none of us did, those who spent years in medical school or some formal medical, mental health or first responder training there was really no way to fully psychologically prepare any one regardless of specialty to the challenges and crisis professionally you’re all facing, let alone the personal ones.

If one has taken the Hippocratic Oath, that was to vow to not do intentional harm, it wasn’t to say that as much of a calling wanting to save others lives is, that it is to be at your own peril and the ones you love, all day, everyday with not just a lack of essential tools but no back up support in sight with all the unknowns that we still have with the pandemic.

The point I’m trying to make, is if the reason why you’re reading this, finding that you’re psychologically drowning in the abundance of others medical and psychological suffering, as well as your own, I’m not going to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel the way you feel.

Because you absolutely have every right to feel overwhelmed, overworked and unsupported and the devastation that comes with that  with no end that’s close in sight with the pandemic.

I’m also not going to throw out all the reasons why it’s wrong for you to be suicidal, that doesn’t help.

As well intentioned as hokey quotes like “put your hand over your heart and feel your heartbeat, that’s purpose and your life matters’ or harsher quotes that claim “suicide ends your suffering and just transfers it to another”, that isn’t going to help either, it’s  just going to make you feel worse.

What I am going though to now ask of you, is where you are now, emotionally?

Thinking about suicide, as a possible path out of your suffering?

Actually having a plan, with means and a date and your reasons regardless if you’ve wrote them out or not?

Now, I am going to ask you that if you are acutely suicidal and are unwilling to seek out professional help, that if you cannot bear right now to see that suicide is not the only path that’s left for you yet, to at least think about postponing it, where you are willing to try and understand better the trauma and grief that’s behind that current chosen path for you as a Plan A and maybe for the time being, make it a Plan B,C,D,E or never, but you may not be ready not to have it as an option.

One thing that is not talked about in the complexity of suicidality, is that while grief and trauma play into it, there is that part where when some of us who’ve tried to die by suicide, there is sometimes a complex component that can contain a misplaced sense of thinking and finding comfort that our suffering would finally be over.

This is not the place but it bears mention, as I’m duty bound and ethically committed to doing right by people in crisis and I don’t want to hurt anyone who might be reading this blog, who’s lost a loved one due to suicide, where again you’re not the target audience for this blog and I do address that in other blogs of mine.

The hopes that I have for physicians, nurses, first responders who are suicidal is that they ideally will get the help they need from others.

But if there is an unwillingness to do that, to try and honor the grief one is experiencing and the trauma and hopefully it will spark the realization that your life right now being in jeopardy, is the priority and hopefully getting you to see that the tools you have to save others lives can be directed in saving your own life, if there is an unwillingness to get professional help.

There is more initiatives now that see the psychological toll but there has to be more plans in place to get more medical staff in the frontlines, not just because of concern that is justified with frontline staff getting COVID-19, as well as other medical health issues that don’t stop just because of the pandemic but because burnout and suicide in physicians and frontline, first responders was an issue prior to the pandemic.

Please know that if you’re a physician, frontline and/or first responder who’s despondent there is help and hope for you, the peace though you desperately need right now, can happen in small doses, as the trauma this has caused, isn’t close to being over either in society or in your psyche but progress can be made where despair isn’t all consuming, as I’m not going to lie and say that it’s a matter of mindset that’s causing your horrific suffering, or that how you feel is going to completely go away soon, as it may not. as it’s the trauma, grief and fear of helplessness and being so overwhelmed in such unprecedented circumstances that cause the despondency and working to overcome it where it isn’t a risk to your life, as far as suicide, will take time, trying a combination of therapies.

And again, I’m so sorry for all of you being so tested and for your sacrifice and suffering the trauma you’ve experienced and your grief.

I hope and pray  though you can find it within yourself your value as a human first, as well as a healer that deserves to take time you may need to work on your own healing before you can save more lives but if you never save another life but your own, I hope you can see the heroes that you are and have always been and always will be.

I can’t stress again, I hope you get outside professional help but if you can’t, I hope you give yourself the dedication and attention to saving your own life like you would with another.

Sending peace and love and hopes and prayers that those who need it will accept that from me and so many who are wanting to help, having some understanding of why you are where you are emotionally…

#SuicidePrevention help for those who are frontline workers in the era of #COVID19 who know how to save others lives BUT not their own….

http://www.befrienders.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

inspirational quotes suicidal person Best of lost black and white depressed depression sad suicidal suicide

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training in public safety.

I will always advise those in crisis seek immediate professional assistance from emergency services, going to the closest acute care facility or contacting above links for help.

The BUT though of why people especially physicians, nurses and first responders who know the resources but for reasons that I’ll address in blog, when in crisis themselves, would be the last people on the planet to actually contact them.

So, while the resources posted above are either for those who don’t know about the resources and are in need of them or  really are in hopes for those people who know crisis resources due to profession to have a change of heart or mind, but if they aren’t able to, to talk more about their suicidal ideation by seeking other avenues of support that hopefully can help with bring some calm, comfort and clarity, which is so hard to come by, when one is in actual crisis.

But if one is not able to, something I understand, as someone who’s struggled with suicidal ideation knows all the resources, knows and has saved other people’s lives but has struggled when it’s come to saving my own life, hopefully this will help.

I don’t though want to trigger anyone, if topic matter is not able to provide constructive help, hope and healing, I beg of you to find something that will help you find the support you need to get through the crisis you are dealing with.

***

IF a picture is worth a thousand words, the above picture quote in this blog is worth about 10 million.

I’m not digressing by saying that, it just says as concisely and correctly as possible, how people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The target population of this blog, is physicians, other frontline workers, first responders who are at risk of suicide, not that I don’t hope that what I say could help anyone who may be in need, and while I’ve addressed multiple times for suicide prevention/awareness in society, I’ve only addressed this in physician populations only once before prior to the COVID-19 era.

As a non clinical professional who still in a roundabout way treats patients (bariatric surgical complication patients) but more of a last responder than a first one, having medical and mental health crisis due to my own bariatric complications that were unpleasant, unprecedented, life threatening and unpredictable even after they were no longer life threatening, for years that have left me for almost 1/3rd of my life now, to live a life with a new normal, I know but only a tiny bit but so well the struggle and the suffering.

Just like most medical professionals, frontline workers and first responders didn’t need COVID-19 to know the fragility and complexity of disease to humans, it’s just that now we are all are confronted by so much more unprecedented unpredictable crisis beyond what even the most stable of psyches couldn’t still possibly comprehend and process constructively, especially in a global state of crisis.

The thing first and foremost is the realization, you didn’t sign up for this, while none of us did, those who spent years in medical school or some formal medical, mental health or first responder training there was really no way to fully psychologically prepare any one regardless of specialty to the challenges and crisis professionally you’re all facing, let alone the personal ones.

If you took the Hippocratic Oath, that was to vow to not do intentional harm, it wasn’t to say that as much of a calling wanting to save others lives is, that it is to be at your own peril and the ones you love, all day, everyday with not just a lack of essential tools but no back up support in sight with all the unknowns that we still have with the pandemic.

The point I’m trying to make, is if the reason why you’re reading this, finding that you’re psychologically drowning in the abundance of others medical and psychological suffering, as well as your own, I’m not going to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel the way you feel.

Because you absolutely have every right to feel overwhelmed, overworked and unsupported and the devastation that comes with that  with no end that’s close in sight with the pandemic.

I’m also not going to throw out all the reasons why it’s wrong for you to be suicidal, that doesn’t help.

As well intentioned as hokey quotes like “put your hand over your heart and feel your heartbeat, that’s purpose and your life matters’ or harsher quotes that claim “suicide ends your suffering and just transfers it to another”, that ain’t probably going to help either, it’s  just going to make you feel worse.

What I am going though to now ask of you, is where you are now, emotionally?

Thinking about suicide, as a possible path out of your suffering? Actually having a plan, with means and a date and your reasons regardless if you’ve wrote them out or not?

Now I am going to ask you that if you are acutely suicidal and are unwilling to seek out professional help, that if you cannot bear right now to see that suicide is not the only path that’s left for you yet, to at least think about postponing it, where you are willing to try and understand better the trauma and grief that’s behind that current chosen path for you as a Plan A and maybe for the time being, make it a Plan B,C,D,E or never, but you may not be ready not to have it as an option.

One thing that is not talked about in the complexity of suicidality, is that while grief and trauma play into it, there is that part where when some of us who’ve tried to die by suicide, it was a misplaced sense of knowing and finding comfort that our suffering would finally be over.

This is not the place but it bears mention, as I’m duty bound and ethically committed to doing right by people in crisis and I don’t want to hurt anyone who might be reading this blog, who’s lost a loved one due to suicide, where again you’re not the target audience for this blog and I do address that in other blogs of mine.

The hopes that I have for physicians, nurses, first responders who are suicidal is that they ideally will get the help they need from others.

But if there is an unwillingness to do that, to try and honor the grief one is experiencing and the trauma and hopefully it will spark the realization that your life right now being in jeopardy, is the priority and hopefully getting you to see that the tools you have to save others lives can be directed in saving your own life, if there is an unwillingness to get professional help.

There is more initiatives now that see the psychological toll but there has to be more plans in place to get more medical staff in the frontlines, not just because of concern that is justified with frontline staff getting COVID-19, as well as other medical health issues that don’t stop just because of the pandemic but because burnout and suicide in physicians and frontline, first responders was an issue prior to the pandemic.

Please know that if you’re a physician, frontline and/or first responder who’s despondent there is help and hope for you, the peace though you desperately need right now, can happen in small doses, as the trauma this has caused, isn’t close to being over either in society or in your psyche but progress can be made where despair isn’t all consuming, as I’m not going to lie and say that it’s a matter of mindset that’s causing your horrific suffering, or that how you feel is going to completely go away soon, as it may not. as it’s the trauma, grief and fear of helplessness and being so overwhelmed in such unprecedented circumstances that cause the despondency and working to overcome it where it isn’t a risk to your life, as far as suicide, will take time, trying a combination of therapies.

And again, I’m so sorry for all of you being so tested and for your sacrifice and suffering the trauma you’ve experienced and your grief.

I hope and pray  though you can find it within yourself your value as a human first, as well as a healer that deserves to take time you may need to work on your own healing before you can save more lives but if you never save another life but your own, I hope you can see the heroes that you are and have always been and always will be.

I can’t stress again, I hope you get outside professional help but if you can’t, I hope you give yourself the dedication and attention to saving your own life like you would with another.

Sending peace and love and hopes and prayers that those who need it will accept that from me and so many who are wanting to help, having some understanding of why you are where you are emotionally…

#ViolentCrimePrevention initiatives HAVE to be strengthened NOW #COVID19

unnamed (1)

https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/06/europe/russia-shooting-lockdown-scli-intl/index.html

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/akwpqe/shopper-upset-by-coronavirus-restrictions-runs-over-walmart-security-guard

http://www.befrienders.org

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional or in matters of public safety.

If you or anyone you know, poses a threat to oneself or others, please contact emergency services (again, half my readers aren’t in the U.S. and aren’t even in North America).

***

When I saw above linked articles, I was really sad.

What made me even more sad, was that I wasn’t surprised.

I’m not trying to come off like  I’m this uncredentialed, unrealized and unappreciated genius, cause I’m not.

I’m saying though as an activist/blogger who writes about medical, mental health and violent crime prevention awareness, that I’ve been worried that  it was possible people could/would weaponize the virus itself, a vehicle or actual weapons intending to wound, if not possibly cause fatal harm either online and/or offline, psychologically and/or medically consequentially, in and around homes, places of businesses and in acute care facilities, including, if not especially in and/or around a  hospital.

And I’m also saying that it’s very possible that violent actions are going to still escalate and while I cannot be the person, nor do I think only one person can help solve this, we all must try as hard to be  vigilantly working  on our mental health, tenacity, level of patience and preparedness, as we move through this unprecedented crisis.

As tragic as so many people dying from COVID-19 due to the actuality of the virus, deaths are just as tragic because of it.

The unprecedented #mentalhealth crisis that #COVID19 presents now and will continue to provide after it’s contained…

http://www.befrienders.org

The next pandemic will be in mental health


https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/04/politics/what-matters-april-3/index.html

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

Important Disclaimers: I am not a medical or mental clinically trained professional, if someone is in danger of hurting themselves and/or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

Okay, back up to a few days before Valentine’s Day 2020.

My boyfriend comes home from work where he works for a global shipping company, and asks me “Guess what we’re getting slammed with in packages???”…

I reply back “Guns”.

He’s like “how did you know???”…

Because by then, that Wuhan based physician who tried to warn us about the virus had already passed away.

Because while I’m  not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor do I have any form of education in public safety, that in an uncertain time, that has become even more uncertain and scary to so many in the last 6 weeks , a gun would give stable people, possibly a feeling of some control, in a constructive way to protect their people and their possessions.

It would give those who were less stable, a tool to feel more in control in what was looking to possibly be to them, more uncertainty than they could bear.

You see now those who are reporting the news are in the news because of COVID-19.

We’ve seen famous, wealthy, noteworthy  and/or health people succumb to the damage the virus causes, as well as the first responders and frontline health workers become infected, some passing away, but everyday fighting to save other people’s lives, in circumstances most of us could’ve NEVER seen coming unless one is Bill Gates or was the genius that was Dr. Stephen Hawking.

We’ve seen people licking toilets or coughing in public saying they have COVID-19 whether they do or not.

We’ve seen people who know they have COVID-19 or suspect it and  not warn others, not social distance for what would be reasonable reason normally, such as having a loved one in the hospital and wanting to be there for them or unreasonable and unconscionable reasons to spread the virus.

Law Enforcement has seen an increase in domestic violence calls.

You have people who can’t seek acute care either without risk or even in epicenter like NYC now (and for some time) patients dying in unprecedented circumstances and their loved ones and medical professionals responses and their own suffering and knowing that here in the U.S., the feeling of being in crisis will have it’s effect on people.

I’ve been very blessed that everyone I love the most so far, is okay.

And today was supposed to be for my own mental health, a day where I took a break from watching the news but even the little I’m online or offline, as I got out today which is rare but was needed as I had prescriptions and food to get, there’s a reminder everywhere of the challenges COVID-19 has presented.

As others have said, we can’t just look for the helpers, like Mr. Rogers was famous for comforting us, we have to be the helpers, if we can.

And if one can’t help, at least be careful as they are capable of, to not to do any further harm to one another.

I can’t stress how important though it can help, that if you can just positively help someone is that you do so when you can.

Sometimes doing that is just reminding one another that we care and you see many initiatives online and off, that is doing this.

Sometimes, though it’s more sad and scary, but necessary to say at times, that people have to be just as vigilant about their mental fitness and agility, as some are with their physical health and fitness and realize some aren’t in control of either and/or the risks they present to others and be prepared for that and the unexpected in people and in patients that may have been physically and mentally fit in the past.

As sometimes medical crisis can cause mental health ones and I would know about that, almost better than anyone, unfortunately.

As much as we can try to convey and we can’t stop, that we’re in this together, there are so many factors here that will provide mental health challenges and crisis, that while may not rival  the medical crisis we’re in, that we still have to personally and as a community, professional or not, have to actively and constructively prepare for, both in ourselves and with others and we’re going to have to do this in a manner that’s  consistently, comprehensively and with patience and vigilance going forward as we all adjust and evolve because of the devastation and challenge that COVID-19 has now presented to everyone globally.

Kindness and patience with ourselves and with one another, while has always been important, is going to be of utmost importance, now, as we try hard to move forward.

#SuicideAwareness and sensitivity to #suicide is still needed now, more than ever…

Everyone-is-fighting-a-battle-you-know-nothing-abo
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

http://www.befrienders.org (crisis resources globally)

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

Important Disclaimers: I am not a clinically trained medical or mental health provider or am I trained in matters of public safety.

If you or someone you know is in danger by circumstances, themselves or others, please contact emergency services and/or a medical or mental health professional, immediately.

***

The catalyst for this blog is due to the caveat I have as an activist who does activism not just for medical crisis but for mental health ones.

My normal disclaimer would be in addition to contacting emergency services, would be get to an acute care facility, if someone is in potential mortal danger.

We’re in a global pandemic though with COVID-19 that is taxing resources, in multiple ways and ways no one has quite seen before.

And as I tried to get across in my last blog, someone for many reasons and of many kinds, is in crisis and has been since humankind has been on Earth.

As someone who does activism for “fighting to stay alive” and that also means different things to different people for multiple reasons, as well.

For those though who deal with depression and other mental health issues that could be fatal to themselves or others, where it’s still so stigmatized, this is a gentle reminder not to be rushing or harsh with judgement.

The most read blog of mine, ever is a blog I wrote almost 2 years ago titled “How to help those who are suicidal when they don’t want anyone to know that they are”.

It’s not my only blog regarding suicide awareness, prevention and ideation but it’s read 5 times as much as any of my other blogs about suicide combined  on a global scale (half my readers aren’t just not in the U.S. but also not just in North America) and twice as much as my most read blog on gastric bypass reversals, which while I really don’t want to be known well online or offline, like at all or like ever,  is probably a more unique thing I blog about.

I wanted to wait before writing this, being a little more clearheaded, having my own personal issues to deal with but the hits to that above mentioned blog and other blogs about suicide are being read more since COVID-19 became a global pandemic.

The thing I learned with my complex disabilities, is that it’s not just I who cannot help everyone, or even myself at times.

Which everyone can relate to, at some time in their life for multiple reasons.

But to remind that there is help without shame or stigma in multiple forms for those who are fighting a battle with severe depression, and/or other adverse medical, mental, environmental or circumstances tangible or not, to themselves or others,  to stay alive that if you’re in mortal danger, you need to contact immediately appropriate support services.

It helps to remind oneself of that.

It helps to remind oneself of a good thing they are capable of, I know this from being aesthetically unpleasing to most humans, for so long and my unique disabilities, sometimes you can’t see the good but it’s identifiable, even though in some of us, it’s intangible.

It helps to take breaks from constant stressors and while it may take work for those who have a tendency and it’s hard to separate from distressing thoughts, especially in trying times, it’s possible and it helps.

In my case reading a book or magazine or watching a travel video or listening to my favorite music helps.

I hope you can find a positive distraction that will work for you and it may take acute professional help to get to that place.

I can only hope that like any other serious blogs I write about life and death situations find it’s way to those who need help but can’t see why they and their life is worth fighting for, which is hard to see in a crisis of many kinds and that those in need, get that help so that they can give live the best possible life, given their circumstances and what that looks like in us is different and sometimes more evolving that we can cope with at times and there is no shame in needing help to see that.

Just know help is out there, others can relate to the most unique and or bizarre circumstances and you aren’t alone and others do care.

Peace….

Important Note: Any feedback that is not constructive will not be posted. Thanks!!!

Conversations and actions that shouldn’t have needed the crisis that #COVID19 has presented, to occur…

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor trained in matters of public safety.

IF you or someone you know is at risk of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

***********

Unfortunately, with the last half of above disclaimer, which as a medical and mental health activist, where I’d include getting medical evaluation and treatment, it’s tricky given the crisis that novel coronavirus has caused in so many ways and on so many levels.

As someone who identifies as a medical and mental health activist, I’ve addressed issues of adversity on all populations of people, whether it’s the homeless or a neurosurgeon.

It’s with the hope to try and provide some kind of comfort as a blogger/activist, with my particular life experience of living life with an unwanted and undesirable “new normal” for over a 1/3 of my life when the last 16 years have been fraught with a lot of medical, mental and financial uncertainty and insecurity.

This way of living is something NO ONE ever wants to be an expert on, especially for as many of us who like most people where they could count on with their life being on some level of good and them being in control for the most part of how good it is for them and those they love.

Until some of us can’t, anymore.

In my case with my circumstances, I didn’t thrive after adversity which is the happy ending which people somehow think they need some kind of inspiration that after the storm passes there will be some big huge rainbow or happy ending and there isn’t one.

It shouldn’t have taken COVID-19 to highlight in such an awful spectacular way of how vulnerable we all are.

There’s been yucky “C” words for a long time that have killed people or changed their lives for the worse, for a long time now that have needed more research for prevention, better management or a cure, such as cancer, cardiovascular disease, cognitive disability/disease,chronic pain, complication, crisis and catastrophe.

Trying to help those when the yucky “c” words and all other bad things happen regardless of what what letter of the alphabet it begins with is something anyone can help with and it’s been heartwarming to see that happening, now on such a grand scale.

However…..Community, constructive communication, camaraderie, comfort, charity and compassion is something we needed long before novel coronavirus and it’s what will help sustain us and be better, after it’s long gone.

I can’t and don’t make a lot of promises, but I can tell you that one of the best things about the digital era, is the ability to find support that will help to get through any crisis.

I’m not promising it will make it easier, it will though help to know that you aren’t alone and others do care.

Important Notes: I cannot stress enough that clinically trained professional help is required for evaluation and treatment of anyone who’s in crisis which those professionals should be consulted and relied upon.

Given though the acute danger that COVID-19 is presenting to humans, as far as getting help in an acute care facility, while others cannot replace that essential necessary guidance, others still can provide valuable support in some form that can help.

Any feedback that is NOT constructive will NOT be published.

A factor that may be playing into domestic murder/suicides that we aren’t talking about but maybe we should be…

b6b20ce52449e16bdaaee6040fd85db1

https://people.com/crime/border-protection-officer-kills-his-wife-and-2-children-after-family-day-at-disneys-animal-kingdom/

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety.

IF you or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please get professional help in appropriate facility or contact emergency services, right away.

Important Trigger Warnings: While past blogs of mine, as a non clinically trained professional have talked about what can play into murder/suicides or mass killings with rejection, rage and the need for revenge to be a factor.

While all of these are tragedies, sometimes the catalyst for these tragedies, make no sense when the murderer has NO prior history of being violent or violent mental health issues, addiction, etc.

If discussion of this topic, especially that might be an unusual one take on what could be a factor that has not been discussed yet, could possibly be a trigger to someone, please don’t read. Thanks!!!…

***

I haven’t been blogging lately, well I’ve just started, but haven’t published anything and while those blogs could help this particular issue, in my case of wanting as a an activist to talk about what can be done to prevent domestic murder/suicides but being limited on what I can do, other than write about it, I saw this article in People that’s linked above.

I have a great obligation, that while NO ONE asked me to take on, to be super sensitive that I do no additional psychic harm when talking these topics both to the survivors and the public and  I don’t have the training or qualifications that anything I should say should be of influence, maybe it’s worth saying though, on the off chance I could actually be right in thinking what the catalyst of some of these tragedies had foundation in, and what if, anything, that could’ve been done that might have been able to prevent them.

While, there’s so much in the news everyday of domestic murder suicide that I’ve talked about that DO have foundation in rejection, rage and the need of revenge, as terrifying as that is to talk about when they may be a factors when a family member murders their loved ones, there is other factors that need to be discussed.

Like LOVE.

BUT,  of and in the most wrong and misguided sense of the word, love.

If you read the above link about a father, who seemed like a LOVING father and husband, where the surviving family had no idea there wasn’t any trouble, maybe the only trouble that was tragically brewing was an unrecognized dangerous dysfunctional mindset of that father, thinking in some way  as tragically misguided as this could be and was, that maybe that him thinking it was an act of love and protection, as we do live in a scary world and in a world of 24/7 constant bombardment in all forms of media of how scary and cold this world can appear at times to some of us, if not all of us, at one time or another.

Which obviously doesn’t mean, a feeling of being unsafe is going to be a mortal threat to everyone, but we have to at least think about the fact it could very well be to some.

The blogs that I made mention that I’m still working on and would’ve wished to have finished them, before starting this one have foundations in hope, pain and future and what it’s like personally if one is devoid of hope for themselves but not necessarily for their loved ones or the entire world.

And where it bears mentioning in a blog of this nature, is the difference between someone dying of suicide and/or acting in a self destructive way not realizing they are hurting the ones they love the most, especially when they die but of those other than themselves they have left behind.

We have to at least think, talk and figure out without stigma, how as a society the intentions behind these tragic murder/suicides what their catalyst was and if we don’t take into consideration that some of them are not rooted in rejection, rage and the need of revenge, but out of a tragically misguided sense of love or what someone who’s capable of these tragedies thinks is love, we might have chance in possibly preventing future tragedies of this nature.

Important final notes: I did not omit suicide prevention resources, as an oversight, as vitally important and life saving as they are both when murder/suicides have a foundation in rage or the instances I brought up. I do believe, if you read top above link, that bringing up what I said in response to the link and talk socially among peers without stigma to educate that love doesn’t bring fatal harm and those who are in crisis to themselves, their loved ones and they are not being able to see that and are in danger of killing themselves and others, might help, including expanded existing initiatives and new ones.

Constructive feedback ONLY, please. Thanks!!!

For those suffering because of the skin they’re in or for what is contained in it…

compassion-for-others-quotes

Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional or have any education in law enforcement or public safety.

I will always encourage people in medical and mental health crisis, if they are in danger in hurting themselves or others to contact emergency services, immediately to get evaluation and treatment.

While this blog is somewhat personal in nature and will not just tie some of the things I’ve written in not only the last week, month, year but in over the 6 years I’ve been blogging, I’d bet in some form or another, while not everything I’ve gone through that others can relate on a deeply personal level, but I’m sure quite a few can to some of the things that I’ve gone through.

***

Late yesterday afternoon, I threw on some clothes to run to the convenience store as today and the next few days we are supposed to experience some inclement weather, similar to the bad weather we had in Minnesota over last Thanksgiving weekend.

I grabbed a bag of garbage to throw out on my way.

I live 4 blocks away from U.S. Bank Stadium, home of the Minnesota Vikings and there was a game yesterday.

I had waited about 90 minutes after the game ended to leave and after I threw out my garbage I lit a cigarette in the alley between my building and the commercial parking lot.

As I was walking by there, there was a family that I assumed that had parked their car for the game and they were having a snowball fight.

The parents (well I guess I’m assuming) and the child who had to been about 8 years old, stopped throwing snowballs and for about 30 seconds just stopped to silently stare at me, like I was some kind of scary smoking creature.

As a person, I probably would’ve not taken offense as while I wasn’t close enough to them where my smoking should’ve been that issue for a child, even though one of the snowballs grazed me.

Had they not given me the judgemental silent scare and would’ve apologized, I would’ve probably politely told them they were throwing dirty old snow, filled with pigeon pee and feces, as well as human, in addition to how much filth snow can collect in a parking lot that had received a lot of snow, the week prior.

The thing is, I get odd looks now because I’m not attractive or visually appealing in any way.

I turned 50 exactly a week ago, but about 2 years ago, I kind of with my medical health issues had to let my appearance go, not just within regards to weight, but not trying anymore nor caring about my appearance.

As it’s just super tough on a really bad day, which I stay at home, but never having any good days where I physically feel good, to make it through the day due to my medical disabilities, which can leave me vulnerable, when getting out, so my concern the little I get out, is not to fall or faint like I do at home, going in more detail in my last 2 blogs.

It would be easier to accept my outwardly appearance if I didn’t physically feel so bad on the inside.

For someone who is a recluse for the most part in the last 2 years, my appearance sadly is problematic for other people.

It’s easier though to accept judgement from strangers, not easy but easier, as I get that they don’t understand that I’m more then the lazy ugly fat stupid slob they’ve pegged me to be, even though I’m not stupid or lazy.

It’s harder such as when I went to the ER last week and in January and they treated me based upon assumptions about my appearance given the fact that I could CLEARLY articulate my symptoms and the consequences of them.

It’s harder such as when I called 911 last Memorial Day Weekend due to a man making a terroristic threat, describing him perfectly but not myself and he had said he had thought about killing me and he was harassing me  as well as others after he left me alone and it’s not a stretch, should’ve the police came, while he still was harassing me,  for them to think somehow my contact with him was wanted and consensual when it was terrifying.

My skin is old. It’s dry from dehydration and ruddy.

I look so old and sickly, in addition to not being visually attractive in any any way.

I am hypersensitive to stimuli, so I feel like I’m on fire when it’s sunny out, whether it’s 9 degrees or 90, but am cold when I’m not in the sun and it’s less than 65 degrees out.

While most of the time, too much of it, in the last 18 years have spent projectile vomiting, I have eroded and missing teeth.

Because I am bloated in addition to being of weight, despite my inability to not eat much and throw up a lot, especially in the last year,  even when I haven’t ingested food, liquids or medicine, in addition to the severe chronic pain and headaches.

I’m not anti-people based upon the behavior of the people yesterday or the people who’ve bullied me for the last 45 years.

As I know there is a lot of good people in this world.

I’m not anti-physician, even though I’ve had bad experiences with a majority of  physicians most of my life due to being fat or when I was thin, the experiences weren’t much better because I had resorted to bariatric surgery to lose weight.

As I know there are a lot of good physicians and other medical staff, not just at the hospitals I’ve mentioned in my blog including Fairview, but nationally and around the world.

I’m not anti-police, as I’ve never had a bad encounter with any of our local police or any police officer in my entire life, just a non-existent encounter when there should’ve been,  last Spring.

And I didn’t need to be a niece of a former NYPD officer to feel that way.

But this is the way I DO feel…

And I’m sure other people who experience bias, bigotry and bullying for most of the lives, this is the thing I need to reiterate.

These ARE NOT isolated incidents for most of us.

I’ve been bullied lifelong thousands and thousands of times, primarily for what I look like, less so because I am Jewish and because I’m NOT a great Jew, quite a bit of that I’ve been bullied or biased against by people in that community.

It wasn’t any better when I was really smart, hardworking  and a “good girl” as when I was young, ironically I got bullied for being a goody-goody, especially a fat one.

I have spent way more time in my blog, talking about my mistakes and failures than that of others,  so that they don’t have the same consequences on other people, like they did to to me and those I love the most, no matter how unintentional some of those consequences were.

I wish though other people, in this day and age, would pay more attention on their lives and behavior that could hurt others than assumptions about mine, when they don’t know me and are making judgements based upon just what I look like, now.

I will literally NEVER be comfortable in this skin that I’m in.

To stay somewhat sane and to be able to fulfill the small but meaning purpose that I have as an activist, I’ve had to try at least be figuratively comfortable in this skin that I’m in and be grateful for what I still can do and what it contains, as poorly as I feel,  the little I do well.

I know I’m NOT the only one who struggles with bias, bigotry and bullying that has compromised my life and made it a lot harder than it had to be.

So for those who can relate, I wish this wasn’t a club we had membership in.

And for those who can’t relate and don’t realize that even if their hate is exclusive to even just one person, they aren’t alone in their quest to make another miserable.

Whether it’s another 2 people or 2,000 (which is more in the realm of how many people hate on me with such a limited online and offline presence, as I found out when doing activism several years ago and got picked on by a fat people hate group online) of people trying to hurt you in some way.

Nor did I have any better luck when right before my gastric bypass in 2001, I did try offline fat acceptance groups and wasn’t welcomed even though I made no mention that I had planned to have bariatric surgery, I never got even return hello, so I can’t blame that in that community for my personality, maybe because truthfully, I wasn’t fat enough.

And whether I’d lose another 60 lbs to be considered of a lower acceptable healthy weight or gain a 100 lbs to be considered possessing a more fat friendly exterior, I still would have little energy that comes with acceptance in most communities online and off, as it applies to current standards of beauty.

As on the rare day  if I can take a shower and get dressed, and do one activity, I’m absolutely exhausted without doing anything else, spending an hour doing my makeup or hair, ain’t gonna happen.

There is absolutely NOTHING  wrong with wanting to look and be at one’s best both inside and out, regardless of how much or how little space one takes up.

There is something terribly wrong and it needs to be said that trying to demean and shame  other human beings because they don’t fit another’s aesthetic or ideal that  can be irreversibly physically and emotionally damaging, if not life ending to another, if people can’t find it within themselves to stop judging, shaming and bullying others for looking and being different, especially when that difference has no consequence on how another lives THEIR life..

Important Note: Anything that could be hurtful to myself or any of my readers will NOT be published.

A few more observations about how flawed #mhealthfairview ‘s ER department is, then I’ll let this go…

images (2)

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, this blog is more personal in nature but to make an activism point.

HOWEVER, I will always encourage people in medical and/or mental health crisis to seek immediate evaluation and treatment in acute care facility i.e. hospital.

But as a patient in a bigger body, who’s received inefficient and ineffective care when actually seeking emergent medical treatment, the only thing I can say and the reason why I’m still alive to say it, is I’ve had to fight harder to get treatment in the past, as well as the little I do now, to still be here to talk about this.

***

I can’t go back and try and re-edit my last blog which goes into great detail about a bad ER visit I had at Fairview U of MN’s ER on 12/4/2019, which I highlight more about the attending controlling physician being kind of misogynist and fat phobic but realizing I knew from the start I was going to have problems during that ER visit of not being taken seriously for the reasons why I was there.

It happened to be last Thanksgiving, exactly a week ago and last Saturday, I could eat a couple of bites of cereal or toast, then end up throwing up immediately or hours after, in addition to left quadrant and other mid abdominal pain.

The one thing I also had on Saturday and I have it every few months is a ventricular tachycardia episode.

I didn’t say anything though about my ventricular tachycardia episode because it’s normal for me and other people that I know of that have Gastroparesis after gastric bypass reversal (which is fairly common for us reversed peeps) , as well as those who have Gastroparesis who’ve never been overweight.

I, in 2016, weighed quite a bit less,but was sick of then the problems I had eating so I actually thought about having a total gastrectomy and started seeing GI at the U of MN.

So how I know I have Gastroparesis even though it’s not that I’ve been formally diagnosed with it, is that I actually had a gastric emptying study Summer of 2016 at the same hospital that I was in the ER last Tuesday, that indicated that I had Gastroparesis.

My weight fluctuates wildly for someone who hasn’t been thin for over 11 years, 18 years status post gastric bypass and over 9 years status post gastric bypass reversal.

While it’s not normal even for me, prior to my gastric bypass to every few years be up gaining and losing 40-80 lbs, it’s been that way since my reversal.

This is the issue and while I’m still going to file a grievance with my visit, even though there was no malice on the part of any of the hospital staff  and even I can understand where one of my symptoms I have that could be considered not acute (such as intermittent left quadrant pain for OVER a year) but paired with vomiting and syncope episodes and an honest belief that I had acute pancreatitis if not other issues, as I have every organ in my abdominal region including gallstones in gallbladder and my appendix is that I was treated due to my weight of last year which put be me in almost borderline MO BMI territory, is that I still do NOT have any ACTUAL co-morbidities of Obesity.

Just a big bloated fat body and it’s been way bigger in the last year, while I’m up almost 40 lbs since that stupid gastric emptying test in 2016, I’m down almost 50 lbs since my heaviest a year ago.

I had a great GI nurse practitioner at the U of MN, the reason why I stopped going to her or seeing a GI surgeon is that I refused to have a naso-gastric 24 hour monitoring test. And I was told the chances of my having a total gastrectomy for having a hard time eating and the little that I could eat of it feeling being stuck forever, wasn’t going to happen.

In late Winter of 2017, I actually saw a GI surgeon at HCMC, about a ventral hernia repair and realized I wasn’t even going to do that, because I found the hospital scary even though the surgeon was great and didn’t want an inpatient procedure there.

I do not have the sanity points do keep seeking acute and non acute care, when it seems like most physicians can only see my Obesity or overweight and try to diagnose disease or syndromes based upon having a larger body that doesn’t have ANY of those diseases.

Or they use the fact I have mental health issues and/or the fact I get pain meds to make assumptions about me medically and mentally that are just NOT true and aren’t evident in behavior or tests.

My long term boyfriend who’s never been overweight, eats like crap actually does have high blood pressure, high cholesterol and Diabetes due to family history that is well controlled with medication.

He however NEVER has to put up the with the shit I do, the little I seek medical attention in the last several years by any medical professional or physician.

For someone in my case where I had a great bariatric surgeon and still have a great PCP who are Fairview doctors, the Obesity and Opiate obsession by most of the physicians and medical staff that has existed not just at this hospital and their ER department, but across the board, is appalling.

I get that it was medically evident that I didn’t need to be at the ER on Tuesday.

The problem is, the next time it might be medically evident that I should be in an ER or seek specialty care, I will NOT go and really no one could blame me.

Nothing I’m saying shouldn’t ever prevent any physician from catching what could be in me or another patient an Obesity related medical event.

But I’ll never actually get diagnosed and treated effectively  based upon bias and barriers by even the most qualified physicians if they are going to base my medical care upon what I look like or find that I’m not credible based upon something like BMI, a non violent mental health history and current medication regimen that doesn’t contain medication for ANY Obesity related diseases.

I hope this spares any larger patient from having the same problems I’ve had in getting medical care, but it’s even worse when someone is heavy post bariatric surgery, is heavy and despite best attempts can’t get their body weight down, even though they can’t eat much and quite often, anything to have to keep going through crap.

The health issues are bad enough.

Not being believed and/or taken seriously, is actually worse, though.

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