It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCACY’ Category

Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m NOT a drug addict….

IMG_20180524_235622_732

Disclaimers: I talk about opioid addictions, opioid tolerance, weight issues and other things that could potentially be sensitive to my readers and I understand that.

While this blog is personal in nature, I’m NOT just advocating for myself, especially after finding out some frustrating  news personally 2 days ago and real news about 5 minutes ago regarding the long term usage of opiate pain meds in those who suffer from severe chronic pain.

But,  I realize personally and as an activist, there’s been a lot of tragedies as of late, it’s not that I’m not sensitive to that and my heart hurts for people who’ve suffered unimaginable loss whether it’s due to addiction issues or such as the horrific tragedy in Santa Fe, as well as I have people that I know and care about who have themselves or loved ones,  life threatening conditions but don’t talk about them and never complain.

So please don’t read, if it could potentially be hurtful and hopefully you’ll respect that I’m NOT just trying to advocate for myself and I’m honestly not looking for sympathy.

And I apologize for how wordy this is. Not only is it tough to be concise for me, in a lot of pain, this is a topic that at best is a serious quality of life issue and at worst, possibly life or death, unnecessarily so, as I’ll thoroughly explain.

Thanks!!!

Editorial Note: After publishing, I realized I left out my normal disclaimer about seeking acute care for people in crisis by clinically trained professionals, I realize why I might have originally not thought to post it, given the fact that while I will ALWAYS advocate for people to be under the guidance of of clinically medical or mental health professionals, the topic of the blog is about the failure of a lot of a physicians, while well intentioned from a lot of them,  when it comes to being adverse to dispensing opioids, I’m NOT a clinically trained professional, I can only give my opinions on matters, but NOT medical and mental health advice, evaluation and treatment should ONLY should be taken from a professional,  in an appropriate setting and if someone is in crisis, they need to contact 911 (and or emergency services in their country of residence for out of country readers).

I apologize for omitting the above.

***

In HER defense, she did WARN me.

Meaning. when I was first put on pain meds, a little over 14 years ago, my long term primary care physician after the majority of non narcotic pain meds,  pain management and anti-seizure meds like Neurontin, among other prevention pain meds, I was warned that eventually, if I was on them long enough, they would no longer work.

I’ve had a long history prior to EVER being on these meds, of being strangely over tolerant or prone to the worst side effects of so many meds in all different therapy classes and all delivery systems, when I had 4 epidurals prior to my son being born (none of them worked) over 25 years ago, nearly dying in labor over 15 years ago due to anaphylaxis because the 1st 2 epidurals didn’t work, the 3rd one for 45 minutes and the 4th one sending me into anaphylactic shock(which she, my pcp/prescribing doctor for all my meds is FULLY aware/has witnessed, as she delivered my daughter) and, I’m not easily anesthesized  with either general or  local anesthesia.

I’ve wrote more than one blog about opiates both personally and as an activist, as well as the labelling I’ve dealt with both post bariatric surgery and post suicide attempt which was almost 10 years ago (well, in August) especially once being diagnosed with mental health issues.

As well as being honest about having an addictive personality, in my case it’s tobacco and sometimes food.

I suffer from severe daily headaches (which opiates actually make worse) fibro, degenerative disc and severe neuropathic pain, both widespread and locally.

I gained 30 lbs (more about weight in another blog) starting in late 2016 throughout 2017.

However when my bilateral neuropathic foot pain (It’s not diabetic, been tested for that I am b12 deficient, the lowest it’s been since my reversal) got so bad 7 months ago, it kind of mentally broke me.

In my fitness heyday, I used to get an endorphin high from intense exercise, working out at an athletic level prior to 2007.

When I resumed walking again in 2014, I got the reward of that I could still walk.

It would hurt like HELL, afterwards, as my degenerative disc sits on my sciatic nerve, but I had a sense of accomplishment for someone who did so little and because I have a tendency to wildly fluctuate in weight post reversal but found my groove with walking lost over 50 lbs in 2015 (and at that time was over 60 lbs from my all time heaviest) and while I didn’t feel the greatest, carrying less weight at least helped with rib pain, as I have a tendency to carry a lot of weight in my midsection and have rib pain as a result of it.

And in the last 2 months alone, I’ve resorted to food (not eating tons but with metabolism issues to justify how much weight I’ve gained) gained another 30 lbs and am the heaviest I’ve been in the last 8 1/2 years (which I’ll also write another blog about).

About 7 months ago I found any walking caused an enormous amount of severe neuropathic foot pain, that made walking not worth it, as I started a walk, in the same amount of awful additional pain like I used to feel at the end of a long walk (I used to average 20-40 miles in a week until late Fall of 2017).

It put me at risk for falling, which I have. It put me with having such intractable severe pain widespread and locally to the point my medications which is a fairly high dose (not subjective as I’m on a higher dose than most post surgical patients but less than pallative/hospice care) that my current medication regimen couldn’t touch the pain I was in.

It also put me in more physical pain that’s unbearable 99% of the time and even if I don’t complain (which truthfully I do complain a lot) it emanates out of me, as sometimes I’m in so much pain, I can’t breathe (it’s not cardiac or pulmonary) or speak and I’m unintentionally even if I try to hide it, scaring those who see or care about me the most.

I still get a controlled amount of medication not exceeding MMEs for severe chronic pain peeps.

I get 2 doses a day.

I’m not saying how much medication I’m on, in strength or what I’m on.

I’ve noticed for the last 2 years (it’s been 3 or 4 since my strength got raised) that for a high dose, it didn’t work well.

The last 2 months especially, I’ve noticed that it was super hit or miss if the meds worked at all, not even helping with being so inactive and being so limited on the most basic of things to do for myself, such as walking and shopping by myself that I stopped doing that, if I had to do that by myself.

I would every 6 months or so for the last 2 years I’d ask my doctor if I could go higher in my strength.

Then finally with the fact that I’d have trouble losing this weight given how much severe pain I’m in the last time, I finally asked on Wednesday not being able to bear this, with my physician,  if BOTH my dose and frequency could be raised, as any less than my current strength, doesn’t work very well.

I get the pressure that doctors up against with the opioid crisis, I’m not going to repeat myself, I’ve discussed this in MANY other blogs, as well as I’m not insensitive to the horrific deaths that of occurred because of it.

The problem is some people who wouldn’t be looking for a dealer normally now, are starting to die, because they are in so much pain, that when they get pulled off their meds, suddenly they don’t know how to cope with such severe life limiting pain, so some people are dying, tragically, because even though they were compliant with their pain meds, once pulled off, they don’t see any other option than finding a dealer to get illegal substances and are now accidentally are overdosing or at risk for that and addiction, where they wouldn’t be otherwise, if opiates weren’t so stigmatized, overregulated and not option now for those who aren’t terminal, even if they tried all kinds of therapies like I have and non opioid/narcotic/controlled substances but they didn’t work.

And while I know from the pain, I live in a place where drug addiction and unfortunately accidental overdoses is rampant. My local EMS people are probably in my apartment building because of that, about 3-4 times a week administering Naloxone.

Not everyone in my building or on my block is a drug addict or distributor but quite a few are.

And it’s terrifying to live amongst them, if I’m truthful, even if I’m empathetic to their disease, as far as the addicts are concerned.

When I talked to my physician in the morning on Wednesday, she really was at a loss what to do with my opiate tolerance, she knows I don’t get high from narcs, she didn’t feel comfortable raising my meds, at first suggested either other opiates that I haven’t tolerated well, if not terribly and then asked if she could consult her pain management specialist at her facility and call me back that evening.

Which when she did call me back Wednesday evening, I found that I’m going to be taken off my medications (I’m on other controlled substances which I still receive a therapeutic benefit) being given the opiate party line that most providers are using now.

I’m NOT mad at her. I know she is doing what she only feels is right, ethically.

And she always has had a holistic approach to health.

And while we always respectfully agree to disagree, I vehemently disagree with this decision given the dire consequences it’s already going to have on my life that’s been reduced beyond recognition, something she would know, as she’s been treating me for so long.

I ONLY found out early Friday morning, that Medicare and a lot of health insurance companies are no longer going to cover opiates in any other case except cancer or terminal cases, starting in 2019.

Ironically, prior to knowing my medication status from a prescribing and insurance perspective, after mulling it over for the last 2 years, 2 weeks ago I signed a DNR.

I haven’t been able though to leave my home or get out far enough by myself to get my DNR notarized and filed, because my pain levels are too high.

When I last saw my primary care physician at an appointment, in  the end of March of 2018, I asked her about it and she said that she would do her end and  that she respected my right to choose that.

It’s pretty extensive DNR that I’ve filled out, NO life saving or life extending measures of any kind.

Only comfort care measures are in my DNR.

And guess what, the person who has all these issues with oral medications, is super sensitive to most  IV meds, including narcotics, most I can’t tolerate at all, others I have to be treated for migraines and hives, so it’s good all of that’s in my DNR, if I can’t speak on my behalf, it will for me.

I’m NOT suicidal.

I don’t get a choice of disability sets, and how they are rapidly changing me medically and cognitive  I don’t get a choice at all going forward, of therapeutic treatments, but thank goodness at the age of 48, I get a say so on WHEN I can die, if it’s not mental health related.

And it’s NOT.

I feel terrified and devastated , like I’m sure other people who are in similar situations like I am, where they’re going to lose meds that are a last resort but help so much in quality of life and they are going to spend the rest of their lives in unbearable pain.

AGAIN, this is NOT about being insensitive to the opiate crisis and the deaths from that.

This has EVERYTHING to do with physicians, government and insurers saying because I’m not a drug addict, I don’t get anything even though pain meds for me were a last resort.

I’ve said as an activist, wisely, in the past,  that “you can’t legislate addiction away”.

Even more sadly,  is that I get that if I wasn’t lucky enough to escape intractable severe pain, at least I was spared an addiction to drugs and in my case I’m committed that if I can’t get pain relief from a physician where the meds and my usage is monitored, that I don’t want the HELL, that comes from the desperation that both legal and illegal opioid addiction creates, nor do I want to die that way.

I see how bad it is to live that way, where I live and I just don’t want any part of that, but am grateful that it is still a choice for me and I get that it isn’t for everyone.

I’m also not mad, nor am I saying with malice, had I become addicted to pills and then found a dealer and became addicted to illegal substances,  I’d get methadone or Suboxone.

BUT, because I’m not a addicted to drugs, I am NOW going to get NOTHING.

Again, I’m not saying anything to try and hurt those who’ve lost loved ones due to opioid addiction.

But all sides of the Opioid Epidemic should be heard, including those who are going to be victims being sentenced to a life of uncontrollable severe pain because they’ve exhausted other therapies and nothing else works for them.

Because while it’s well intentioned at best, it’s repugnant at worst, getting rid of the ability to access opiates safely and affordably and with monitoring,  will ONLY make the opioid crisis worse for almost everyone, as some people will skip even mentioning having pain and go straight to dealers, as well as it’s going to be a deadly dangerous dealers market, with prohibition of access to safely allocation and monitoring of legal opioids.

Not only at best is it  naive to think this doesn’t warrant more of a discussion on how to deal with those in crisis with drugs, it’s deadly and just going to feed into the epidemic more of more people becoming addicted to street drugs, no longer  having safe access with monitoring of legal opiates, even if they were compliant.

And those of us in crisis or could be, due to unbearable pain and have to live the rest of our lives that way, going forward who are no longer going to be able to access medications that give us any kind of quality of life, who are responsibly using them, is a travesty, don’t think it’s anything other than that, and as I said above, has the potential to have deadly consequences on people who normally wouldn’t engage in such unsafe behaviors but can’t handle a life with such severity of pain and no safe options, any longer.

I can only use my voice and hope that other patients, physicians, pharmacists and others who have similar concerns, speak up as well, to rethink how to best serve those in crisis and not put people in jeopardy like they are now, who wouldn’t normally be at risk but are now.

Note: I will ONLY publish constructive feedback or dialogue. And again, I apologize for how wordy this was, but there is so much at stake, not just for myself, as I’ve stated repeatedly but thousands and thousands of people.

Advertisements

Could Michael Cohen be capable of committing suicide???

there-are-seldom-if-ever-any-hopeless-situations-but-there-are-many-people-who-lose-hope-in-the-quote-1

*Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I am not a medical or mental health professional. Nor do I have an education in matters of law, politics and law enforcement.

I had to think VERY carefully about writing this blog, given all the circumstances. One thing I have going for me, as a disabled activist who loathes social media and has no desire to become famous or ever go viral, is the chances of that happening, even with this particular topic matter, is highly UNLIKELY, given my miniscule footprint on both social media and the internet at large.

While I worry and I write about a lot of things and I’m not best suited to tackle so specifically my concerns about someone who’s in a lot of trouble and is famous with notoriety and now in legal jeopardy, the ONLY reason why I’m writing about this, is because I’m concerned about Michael Cohen’s possible state of mind and feel a responsibility as an activist, to bring this up and hope I’m wrong, even though freedom of speech and expression has NEVER been in more jeopardy for writers, I’d rather risk writing something that I’m concerned about, but that NO ONE is talking about, then NOT say anything and be right in my concerns but not say anything and something terrible happens.

It’s not for me or anyone outside of law enforcement who hasn’t been a victim of his misactions  to judge and act as a jury,  of how Mr. Cohen found himself in the legal circumstances he’s in, it’s only my duty as an activist to point out, that it’s not totally out of left field that for how much scrutiny he’s facing, that I’m concerned for his mental wellbeing, given the circumstances. *

I REALLY didn’t want to write this blog.

I REALLY didn’t want to use the “meme” that I used above, for this particular purpose.

The majority of my blogs and my activism deal with people who are victims of serious trauma or horrific circumstances, whether it be childhood rape or childhood cancer.

As well as the blogs that I don’t write about people, but worry about, such as those  who suffer such atrocities such as being victims in war ravaged countries, those who are dying in third world countries everyday due to starvation and disease.

While a lot of my blogs are about atrocities that can happen in first world countries, such as the United States, I very rarely touch people who are at risk due to bad judgement or have been accused of constantly being in unethical dealings with other people, who could be at risk, when in an enormous amount of trouble.

I’d be lying by omission, if I didn’t admit that my reasons ARE NOT completely altruistic, in worrying about the state of Michael Cohen’s mental health and what that could possibly lead to, if for any reason, he would die, suddenly.

But in this case, I have a responsibility as a mental health activist and I don’t think given how much trouble he’s in, in so many ways, that’s it’s totally out of left field, that when faced with all this scrutiny and legal jeopardy and his life being in shambles, that for his sake and that of his family’s, that he’s way stronger than I’m giving him credit for now.

I don’t know him, again, I’m not a mental health professional, just a mental health activist.

And while I hope I’m completely wrong in my being any way concerned about his mental health and mental fitness, of where he is right now, if I’m not, I hope for his sake, and that of his family, that he’s surrounded by the support systems he needs to survive what he’s going through now.

That’s all.

Note: All constructive feedback and dialogue is welcomed. Save your hate. And anyone who’s in a position, given now the threat that freedom of speech and opinion that’s especially NOT being stated with ANY malice, whatsoever, ya can’t blood out of a turnip, ya know, RIGHT???  Thanks!!!

When “our doves” die- An honest human discussion about living and sometimes dying from addiction… #stigmakills

267c2f40ab4409c6f5d1bf4f038904d4

(for my international readers http://www.befrienders.org)

*Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained or credentialed medical or mental health professional, nor am I am a professionally trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety. I will ALWAYS encourage people in crisis to seek acute professional help in an appropriate setting or if necessary, contact emergency services.

(There also will be profanity, in this blog and honest talk about living and dying from addiction and the human predilection for addiction, if that’s offensive, PLEASE don’t read) *

I won’t BACK down!!!

Shit, wrong artist!!!

NO, I’m not being glib.

On this second anniversary of Prince’s death, where initially, I had a fear that I didn’t want Prince to be the poster child for accidental illegal drug overdose, I decided it was more important as an activist to make sure he didn’t die in vain.

It was driven home more, when Tom Petty died under similar circumstances, involving the drug Fentanyl last year, as well as other famous beloved people, as well as those of us who lose loved ones in death or in the depths of despair due to drug addiction, every year.

I’ve gone on record, so to speak, in past blogs in greater detail, that I think Fentanyl is a fucking EVIL drug.

Heroin is, too.

But any substance or entity that can cause addictive behaviors in humans that ruin their lives, if not end them, can be considered “evil”, to at least someone.

I tried before starting this blog, to find a “quote meme” that would do addiction “justice” on this 2nd anniversary of Prince’s death and for anyone who could relate.

I defaulted to above “meme” only because I figured I’d be better serving my readers, resources, as well as trying to be a part of the dialogue on honest talk about addiction.

I have addiction issues and an addictive personality.

I ONLY escaped drug addiction, due to the either horrific side effects of them or because I metabolize other drugs (prescription and/or not illegal) so quickly, that it’s difficult physiologically to build up an addiction to them.

I’m only injecting my personal issues with addiction, as this is a blog, it’s not an article and it’s not something that would be too helpful for me to go on in more detail, like I have in previous blogs about my own personal demons, which I have.

But it would be disingenous to write a blog about addiction in others, without disclosing my own issues, at least acknowledging that they most definitely exist.

Living in the hometown of Prince, there is a celebration of his life this weekend, on this 2nd anniversary of his death and I get why for all of those who loved him and his music, of why that’s so important to take place.

But if I’m going to be honest, even though I’m not a super fan, as much as I know about addiction and human strengths and human frailities, there’s a part of me that’s SO angry, that he’s gone.

As well as now, Tom Petty, like I said before.

Or my friend “N” who died almost 6 years ago, when in medical crisis, she developed an addiction after being on IV narcs due to extended hospitalizations and ended up with a heroin addiction, that NO ONE knew about, until she accidently overdosed from a bad batch of Heroin.

I consider myself “lucky” to a certain extent, as much as anyone who suffers and has to deal day to day with severe persistent mental health issues and intractable severe widespread and localized physical pain, that drugs never became a crisis situation for me, either living with a drug addiction or nearly dying from one, other than my suicide attempt almost 10 years ago, where I tried to intentionally overdose on prescribed narcotics for me.

But I think of Prince or my friend N and they died before they could see so many things, as locals to Minneapolis, as well as anyone who loses loved ones due to addiction.

As far as Prince, he missed U.S Bank Stadium being finally completed, he missed  “52”!!!

I don’t think and I’m not trying to come of self serving, that I don’t get as mad about the genius of him and his ability to create music that we could related to, being cut so short, as much as I get angry and sad, about his right to would’ve been to live his life, that was cut short, due to the depth of an addiction, that really NO ONE could’ve said, could’ve been avoided.

What exactly do I mean by that???

Because most people if they don’t have severe chronic pain OR they are afraid of using any kind of opiate or strong presciption pain medication or wouldn’t think of using any kind of street drug, have NO idea of what it’s like to not only be a slave to addiction, but to be in so much pain physically, that it alone becomes soul crushing and then you add addiction to a substance/s on top of it.

What’s exactly the answer to this then, with addiction to drugs or anything else, that ruins people’s lives, if NOT, actually ENDS them???

Because while people can try to legislate any substance or anything that can be abused or cause a fatality/fatalities, a wise blogger once said (ME!!!) that “You CANNOT legislate addiction, AWAY”.

Not everything that causes addiction in one person, will cause addiction in another.

I can’t say what the cure or the answer is to addiction of drugs (prescription or illegal) or any kind of addiction that ruins lives, if not ends them.

What’s in the root of addiction and what the recovery of what one’s person’s addiction will look like, will vary being as unique, as we all are.

But we have to acknowledge that most humans are addicted to something and try to find different alternative approaches to prevention, evaluation and treatment of addictions.

That CANNOT happen though, with moral judgements and/or stigma.

Note: Constructive feedback, ONLY, please. Thanks!!!

 

 

At one time, a family of 8, but in the end, a family completely wiped out #hartfamily …

267c2f40ab4409c6f5d1bf4f038904d4

Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical, mental health or credientialed in public safety, law enforcement and in social services.

The ONLY reason why I keep writing these blogs about domestic murder/suicides is that they keep happening and there is NO specific initiative in place. I found one murder/suicide initiative that was started 20 years ago, but it was only in respect to female partners being killed by their male partner.

I don’t know how many more people have to innocently die, especially when whole entire immediate families are dying this way, without more initiatives in place for prevention and/or rehabilitation.

I ask respectfully though, I do these blogs, where my immediate family knows somewhat of why I keep doing this, but they are really private people and in hopes of making sense and there being a greater purpose that we went through wasn’t in vain.

But an activist/blogger who purposely doesn’t want a lot of attention and is disabled, I’m limited on what I can do. I hope those who have more resources or stories of where they were in crisis but got help before irreversible tragedy happened or clinical trained professionals in abnormal psychology, can speak up on ideas, if it’s possible for prevention.

I will say my normal disclaimer, if you or someone you love, is in DANGER of hurting themselves or others, please seek immediate acute help by calling 911 (or because I’m read outside of the U.S and North America emergency services in your area or looking up http://www.befrienders.org) immediately.

Editorial Note: This majority of this  blog was written on 3/29/2018, I hesitated in publishing it under the assumption that it was a domestic murder/suicide, even though it had the signs of one until more data was released, that I just caught today. It was unclear at the time of publishing due to conflicting news, of where it is possible that there were 3 surviving children, it still doesn’t change the nature or the point I’m trying to make in the blog, it’s still beyond tragic.

******

I had just noticed the story, yesterday. Where a family of 8, where they had MN roots like I do, but were living on the West Coast, that the 2 parents and 3 of their children, their bodies earlier this week were found, after their vehicle had gone off a road into the Pacific Ocean.

Because the family had 3 other siblings, it’s now being suspected they died, as well, even though their bodies haven’t been found yet.

There has been talk because the mothers had a recent child neglect/abuse claim against them, if that was the motive, possibly, of their deaths.

When family and friends of the victims were interviewed, they were noted to be nice people who were activists for positive change, even though some of their neighbors found some of the behaviors in the parents questionable, as far as the children not being taken care of properly.

None of the above am I making any judgement nor at the same time, excusing.

While I remember the good mother I was 20 years ago, I also remember the neglectful mother I became a little over 10 years ago, when in medical and mental health crisis.

While I’ve written many blogs about that period of time, in hopes to remove stigma, I’ve written many more blogs about domestic murder/suicide that involve children, there is one topic that I have NOT brought up when it comes to these horrific tragedies, that I do have to wonder, if it places apart, even though I don’t and will NEVER understand it.

I remember when I was that shamefilled terrified mother of 2, worried about the possibility of my children being taken away, while I somewhat was aware of the fact, that my parents or sisters would never let that happen, I also was terrified if something should happen where my kids would be taken away and be put in a system, where they be physically assaulted or raped.

I knew after having a past history of doing both volunteer work in a battered woman’s shelter and also facilitating a single parent support group, that is hard working as our Department of Human Services staff are, they are extremely overworked, underpaid and underappreciated.

That hasn’t changed since 1988/89 when I was a volunteer at that battered woman’s shelter, in 1998 when I worked as a single parent faciliator of a support group with my local YMCA (when one is considered a mandated reporter, just like I consider myself now, being such a serious activist but responding to personal queries for medical/mh help) and it was the same when I found myself 10 years later, with my own CPS and APS case in 2007 for hoarding and a brief one, post suicide attempt in 2008, where I didn’t fight where my children were going to be, only fought my potentially being committed.

Although my CPS worker in 2007 did see that there was love in my home and my kids’s basic needs were being met and she met with me weekly for months prior to my case being discharged, as well as I was ordered to be in therapy and that manditory cleanup, which she helped participate in.

It’s not for me to second guess that the kids were NOT immediately removed from their home.

If parents seem loving but are struggling, the last thing DHS/CPS  (or any similar agency in one’s locale) is rip kids from a loving home, even if it is unstable and sometimes doing that can be more traumatic for a child and/or children than leaving them with their parents.

The point I’m trying to make and unfortunately we may never know in these circumstances of why this family was wiped out or in other cases where it seemed like loving parents that I’ve wrote about (or even families that I haven’t) take out their entire family including children, is maybe due to some kind of HORRIBLY misguided sense of LOVE.

I can’t even try to wrap my head around that, though.

I can understand where people feel so trapped that sometimes and I’m choosing my words, very, very, very carefully, that suicide can not only feel like it’s the only choice that someone can make for themselves, it’s not necessarily hate based but out of compassion for one’s self, depending on their degree of suffering.

But ending someone elses life, ever or especially in a case, where it’s one’s child or partner, I don’t understand that and am only trying to, identify potential motives in these tragedies,  to be a better activist in the name of prevention of these horrible tragedies that keep happening over and over again.

If I had a chance where I’d have the opportunity, which I will NOW, as far as this blog being written, I’d beg someone to get serious help before hurting themselves and others, let alone killing them.

I’d beg them to see that even in our worst trying times, things can get better, even if it may take a long time, but that no one has the right to take the peace of mind or to take the right of life FOR  someone else.

I don’t see in this case, unless it comes out that the parents involved talked to someone else about the problems and or concern of what the tragic end outcome was in this case, that it could’ve necessarily been prevented.

But for a family that adopted children in hopes to give them a better life, as well as the good things they did throughout their lives (which unfortunately ultimately doesn’t matter, if one or both parents were responsible in the deaths of their children) and for their lives, ultimately, to end in the worst way possible,

I hope this can start a dialogue and a movement for prevention and rehabilitation initiatives, so that this ENTIRE family, like families before them, didn’t die in vain.

It just goes beyond the scope of my comprehension of any one human beings last memory of being murdered, but especially by someone who they love more than anything.

And that’s probably why I won’t stop blogging about this, until major initiatives are in place, for prevention of these horrific tragedies, happening over and over again.

Note: Please, only constructive feedback is wanted. I honestly wish I had more resources at my disposal to do more in prevention than blogging about it. Thanks!!!

#StigmaKills : Another day, ANOTHER #MurderSuicide…

224091-a-senseless-tragedy-remains-forever-tragic-but-it-is-up-to-us-whether-it-remains-forever-senseless-quote-1

Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained professional. I will ALWAYS implore people in crisis to seek immediate clinically trained professional medical and mental health help and/or immediate help from law enforcement by calling 911.

The problem with above disclaimer, as exhibited in a blog from a few days ago and  with this particular blog,  which is to discuss another horrific murder/suicide that occurred on Tuesday, both involve members of the military who were in crisis.

I understand fully, that no one has asked me or expects a disabled blogger to solve complex crimes like murder/suicide or massacres.

But the problem IS, NO ONE is talking about it, from a professional point of view, in hopes to prevent these tragedies from occurring over and over again.

The horrific tragedy in California took place by someone who was actively seeking treatment but got kicked out of a program and there wasn’t any safety net, which I’m definitely not blaming anyone.

The horrific domestic murder/suicide that took place in the state of Washington, on Tuesday,was committed by a man, where it was talked about  a potential of marital discord, but the man after killing his family, had the horrible misguided enough sense of presence of mind to call 911, to report that he committed the murders and would be commiting suicide and THANK the first responders he spoke to, but NOT enough presence of mind to stop himself from killing his entire family and himself, in the first place.

When I went researching for initiatives, I found a lot of research, by both federal, state and educational entities on murder/suicide.

What I DID NOT find was INITIATIVES for PREVENTION of murder/suicides.

I hope those who are formally clinically trained in dealing with traumatic events of this nature, will speak up.

I hope that any news entity that reports these crimes, will question the lack of support systems for people in crisis who are capable of doing so much good in their lives, but then end innocent others lives and their own, in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE.

I hope that as many initiatives that need to take place to help prevent these tragedies, will FINALLY be created.

I learned when I volunteered in a battered woman’s shelter in my early 20’s, we were taught that the most deadly time for a battered victim was when they left their spouse.

25+ years later, that’s all changed.

Someone with NO record of domestic violence are now taking out their entire families for many complex reasons with NO warning signs and regardless of gender.

Or as ultimate revenge, letting the person they formerly loved but NOW hate, live, but killing the people that person loves the most, with NO warning signs.

Or there ARE warning signs but they are ignored, because no one wants to think of someone they love of being able to do such evil to them or another loved one of theirs.

We live in a society that NOW is showing CLEARLY, that a lot of people need help on how to constructively process hurt, rejection and rage, that doesn’t lead to innocent lives being lost.

And we need to start this when kids are young and continue to reinforce positive and constructive coping mechanisms when dealing with hurt, rejection and rage throughout our entire lives.

And we have to STOP sensationalizing these tragedies.

As they aren’t human interest stories or true crime, they ARE human tragedies.

I guess this my opinion on it.

One that I wish I could stop having to share over and over again.

I really wish though, if anyone has a better idea or a more qualified opinion, they would chime in with it, both on blog and like EVERYWHERE, because it’s really needed now, as these murder/suicides are tragically and senselessly, becoming a horrific daily event.

Note: I’m in NO WAY demonizing the service and sacrifices that our military makes for us, which I like anyone else, am eternally grateful for.

I’m only trying to constructively point out again, the need for more services needed for  both for military and civilians, to reduce the amount of horrific murder/suicides occurring on a daily basis.

Because again, it needs to be reiterated, that sometimes EVIL, can’t be prevented. But too many people who lived most of their lives trying to do good are ending others and their own lives in the worst ways possible and if there is any way to prevent this, we have to start somewhere and we have to start NOW.

So please, I encourage constructive dialogue, in hopes for preventing these tragedies.

Also note: I am though probably going to be taking a break from this topic for awhile, I’ve tried to do it justice, I just really can only hope that others way more qualified, finally chime in.

Important Update: At the time I both wrote and published this blog, the murder/suicide at UAB-Highlands Hospital had not started trending in any of the reputable news organizations I follow nationally and/or locally.

I can only reiterate what I said above and what I’ve said in the last week, month and last several years about  murder/suicide, not touch on 1/100th of them, if that.

I’m just hoping that these deaths do not continue to be in vain, that out of respect for victims and their families and friends, that comprehensive initiatives are created to try and combat this epidemic and horrific tragedies.

So this heartbroken disabled  activist is sending thoughts and prayers for victims, their families and friends,  as well as ideas for action and hopes others who possess the capacity to create concrete action, will do so.

Peace

What are you DOING when NO ONE is looking???

fdf40b107a5a39bf4bbc404a59ebb21b

Disclaimers: While this blog is both a combination personal blog, as well as to achieve some activism type of goals, when it comes to medical, mental health and public safety, I will ALWAYS implore people, when in crisis, to seek clinically trained professional help if they are or they suspect someone else is in crisis, immediately and or call 911 (because 1/2 my readers are outside of the U.S./North America, and/or Emergency Services in one’s country of residence). Thanks.

OR, may I ask, with NO expection of an answer to me, what are you actually THINKING, when NO ONE else is looking?

Because it matters.

A LOT.

In my case,  and it will be also a topic for another blog, as far as it applies to social media and my loathing and fear of social media.

In my case, what I do and what I think, is usually done in the privacy of my own home.

My blogs from the last month, whether they talked about people in crisis of all different types, where most of my blogs were concentrated on those who’s thinking and actions, lead to fatalities, in innocent others.

Also a few of my blogs of last month, were in regards to Superbowl 52, which was exactly a month ago, that occured 4 1/2 blocks from where I live.

It feels like both yesterday and 100 years ago, that Superbowl 52, took place, which I didn’t care for, because I was afraid of something bad happening and I don’t like being in the spotlight in any way or any kind of attention, which meant for the 2 weeks around Superbowl Sunday, I became super reclusive, even for me, in the era of smartphone cameras, as well as global networks being in my neighborhood.

As well as the tragic massacre in Parkland, Florida that happened, 10 days later.

Unfortunately, but so gratefully, I’m lucky that if I don’t feel well, I don’t have to do anything.

And when I feel my worst medically and mentally, not only do I have to not  do anything, just try to deal with my medical and emotional pain, I don’t do anything else, even though that my medical and mental emotional pain is only a hindrance to myself, even though I usually respond to various help queries, everyday.

I realize that most people, don’t have the luxury of both time and privacy, that I have.

The last major BEST decision though, I made for myself, is to disengage, as much as possible,  from social media.

Without quitting it completely.

And in my case, I’ve never felt that I’m in competition with ANYONE, which I think social media drives.

But in my case, social media, for how I used it, would be a really bad and sad reminder of my failures compared to my FORMER self, which is the only competition I put on myself and fail miserably,  of how functional and productive I used to be, prior to the last 11-12 years of my life, which is now a quarter of my life, now that I’m 48 years old.

Most people, the few of them that I encounter, are  kind of surprised of what I’ve chosen to do with this little life that I have.

Lots of times, I don’t feel well enough to go anywhere or do much, but possess a strange skill set and a desire to help people in medical and/or mental health crisis (with the urging they have to be under the care of clinically trained professionals, which I’m not) and that I’m kinda good at it, with obvious boundaries for myself and others, for what I’m willing and capable of doing, in the areas I do activism for, and where I help people when they email me for help.

It takes a lot of unnecessary pressure off, when people focus to do things, with an absence of social media, either to NOT  be motivated by it, in attempts to NOT  be an influencer and to NOTto have it as a default distraction.

Even if someone makes a living off of social media, no one needs to make their complete lives on it.

When I tell other clinical professionals who I don’t know, in the medical and/or mental health realm what I do or ask what I can do better when I run across them, in my advocacy, I do find that most of the time, my inability to be influenced by social media and/or let anyone influence me, in any way, that what I don’t do or do and/or what I do say and or don’t say, is driven soley by myself, they find the most challenging thing in dealing with me.

WHY, though???

I’m hardly an admirable person, by any account.

I’m not looking to be, nor am I someone to be looked up to.

But I’m not someone to be feared, either.

I know how my disabilities can be of a negative effect on me and/or when provoked, makes me mean to others, which is all I’m capable of.

I’ve made some AWFUL decisions, which I still can do stupid things on occasion but am honest, but I also I make a lot of good ones, in hoping to do the right thing.

When NO ONE is looking.

I don’t understand though, as I don’t judge others who find that the various social media platforms, DO  have a strong influence on how they conduct their lives.

It just DOES NOT for me.

It can’t.

I came into having medical, mental health and cognitive defects by various complex organic, circumstancial and environmental reasons.

I don’t need and it would be a disaster for me and I do believe it does hinder other’s health and wellbeing, being so emotionally, mentally and cognitively dependent on all the things that go along with having a social media and technology driven society, now a days.

It’s not like we can go back in time and change the technologies outcomes both good and bad.

But it’s not too late, to make more of what’s on social media, that does a greater good for people, that doesn’t effect desired financial outcomes, which not all of it is bad, other than the intentional addiction seeking behavior of some technical products and services.

But these are the following the questions, that people have to ask themselves, given the fact that even people, who have done so much good in their lives, are ending their lives and others lives, both intentionally and maliciously or not,  or they interfere in multiple ways, for others right to the sanctity of life, with peace of mind, in the worst ways possible.

So here it goes:

What are you doing and thinking, that could be hurtful to oneself or others, that might have a foundation in a social media driven society and what can you do, to make it less harmful for yourselves and other people?

Can you ask for genuine help and get it, from clinical medical health and mental professionals, as well as families and/or peers when in distress or crisis?

And if you can’t or choose NOT to get any kind of help, how does that adversely and/or can you positively change the outcome of your own thought processes so it doesn’t lead to negative action on oneself or another, all the time, some of the time and on rare occasions?

Asking and knowing why, it makes the difference of why it matters, of the dependence in thinking of others knowing what you say, do and what you look like when you do them, due to our social media driven society and knowing what’s good about it and what is even unintentionally harmful to self or others, in this day and age.

There is NO ego with this blog.

I’m the first one to admit, I have way more questions than valid helpful answers, in trying to help those in crisis, not hurt themselves or others.

All I’m trying to do with my own disabilities, bad choices and my own flaws and as well as the few strengths that I have, is to help myself and to help others, in things that matter the most, in what I’m able to so little but try to contribute somehow, positively.

No one has to answer the above questions out loud, to me or another, unless someone is a danger to themselves or others, which will require acute professional help.

But the questions asked above are worthy of asking yourself and evaluating, of how, what, where and why, you think of  yourself and others, when they’re not looking, in good ways and bad.

Or the when and why, you’re actually driven to make or want  them to look at what you’re doing and saying and how you look, when you’re doing that.

Note: I’m all for constructive feedback, which can be a difference of opinion, as long as it’s shared respectfully. Thanks!!!

absence of malice…

mlk

Disclaimer: Even though this is a personal blog versus a blog doing activism, not knowing the mental state of my readers, and due to the serious nature of what I’m about to discuss, I will always urge those in crisis and/or if someone suspects another that might be in medical/mental health crisis and capable of doing harm to themselves or another, to seek immediate treatment from a clinically trained professional, right away and/or contact 911, immediately.

I didn’t want to write another blog, right now .

I’m NOT okay.

I hate to say and actually resent that I have to say, when saying I’m not okay, that I’m not capable of hurting myself and/or another and/or other’s property.

BUT, I have to say that.

Because, I have diagnosed mental health issues.

And while I feel that we live in a society that people scare me, that I have very little hope, I’m actually TERRIFIED that because I have mental health issues that are diagnosed, that is enough for people not to trust for me, to NOT act in a manner that is harmful to another.

Even though there’s plenty of people who know me well enough to know, that I’m NOT capable of hurting another human being, let alone I’m fully aware of my issues and would never want, nor am I capable of hurting another human being.

But for some reason, I fear that’s not enough. Not because I distrust my own behavior, but because I fear the labeling of my diagnoses.

But truthfully, this isn’t about my diagnoses, medical and/or mental health.

It’s about others, as I’m fully aware of the consequences of my own issues.

I don’t like living a life that’s devoid of hope.

I hate that I live such a small life but that no only is it so small, but that I fear other people.

I can’t stand that the fact I don’t have more hope in other human beings.

Even though that I know that there are truly good people in this world.

But I loathe that we live in a society that whether people lie in wait to kill innocent others, or due to an equally scary but less talked about mental health circumstances, where people are snapping and/or it’s a slow snap, where people are killing stranger and/or beloved famiy members.

I can’t stand the fact that I feel so helpless,  to help innocent others retain their lives,  to pursue their lives, in a society that should value the sanctity of human life, above all else, but that total strangers and/or loved ones could provide the biggest threat to one’s life.

I’m heartbroken, because as little as I have to offer as a parent, and also as an activist, no one will take me seriously, when I try to ring the alarm, that while actual weapons of mass destruction whether it be a gun, bomb or an airplane, to name a few,  with an unstable operator who wants to kill people, that the biggest threat to our safety that I am able to see, is a smartphone and social media, and the addiction of them.

I remember being, I think in 7th grade, I know it was in junior high, when I saw the move “Absence of Malice”. I know while I don’t remember the storyline, per se, it was about the intention of trying to do harm via libel and the consequences of the perception of that.

That movie, I think was released over 36 years ago, but couldn’t be anymore relevant, in today’s times.

And I’m heartbroken, as while I remember that movie’s INTENT, I dont remember the plot, as well as a million other major life events in my OWN life, let alone a movie.

I can’t believe, and it’s bigger than myself and or any of my beliefs, the lack of regard of human life and feelings in another human being, by many others.

Even though there is many decent human beings who care about one another.

That while my life, so small, so abnormal while being not abhorrent, my legacy as it stands right now, is someone who got fat again, before a gastric bypass reversal, when having an epic breakdown.

That’s it. And while I could just dissapear in today’s society, as I loathe social media and I fear it, and I’m on it, so for all intentions, I have “dissapeared” because of my lack of social media presence, that I am still compelled, to be somewhat present, in public, or at least on the internet, as a blogger,and to be honest, for what is the ugliest of my life and of others, that goes beyond that, in hopes to do greater good for other human beings, in ANY manner that I’m capable of doing greater good.

And that of course, is motivated by trying to do the right thing, as an activist, given my spectacular failures as a mother, so that what we went through, wasn’t in vain.

Or that people don’t go through awful struggles and devastating life circumstances, without a support system, like I did.

But that doesn’t get brought up in my personal online life, as much as getting fat or staying heavy after a gastric bypass and a gastric bypass reversal.

And NO matter how much I try to fight that legacy, that we should live in a society, that values the sanctity of human life and the right of individual pursuit of personal growth, happiness and the right to a safe life, that doesn’t mean anything to another, if they wish to cause us emotional and/or physical harm and/or fatality.

The reason why I fear social media so much has both a simple and/or complex answers.

The sort of  simple but still complex answer is, that it encourages impulsive behavior in people, that could be at best, a deterrent to another’s happiness, even if it’s unintentional.

I’m not saying though, I don’t see the good that social media brings.

Whether it be a celebrity who pays off a fan’s mortgage or student’s loan. among many things we’ve seen that where social media has served greater good.

But, the various social media platoforms, simutaneously both encourages the best and worst of humankind.

So while it can be heartening to see both celebrities and others do common good, there’s a lot of bad that goes with it.

Whether it be feeding in one’s instaneous need to hatefully call out others. And to quite a few, social media, dehumanizes other humans, because they are being regarded through a digital lens, that somehow uniquely to predators and/or haters, that they aren’t worthy of common consideration at best, but at worst, they aren’t worthy of being allowed to live their lives with health, safety and peace of mind.

And I don’t think that I’m overreacting, as an activist, when seeing so many cases where in domestic violence situations, where people are not just killing those they love and/or hate.

But regardless, they are horrifically murdering their children, who get caught in the crossfire of a relationship ending badly or for any and all inexplicable reasons, devoid of any ration or ration when it’s needed most.

Or you have children who are tragically killing a parent or a friend, because they can’t react appropriately, to being told NO or something they don’t like. Whether it be  a child and/or teen isn’t allowed to have a party or a child kills another peer in what they feel is an action that shows some kind of rejection, and that leads to rage induced irrovocable behaviors, such as murder/s.

My kind of activism lends to the bottom line of asking “WHY”.

While I can tell a bariatric peep not to blame themselves for example, if they are in some kind of mixed medical/mental health crisis, that their complications are not necesarily their fault and/or of their surgeons and they “why” won’t help them, as far as seeking acute professional attention, so that their lives can be saved, the “why” does play a part.

Of course it does, as far as the “why”, it can not only help from tragedy happening, it can help from history repeating itself, even if the life threatning symptoms are alleviated, it can help from non weight related self sabotaging behaviors from occuring over and over again, that might happen, when someone unnecessarily thinks in the case of an adverse bariatric surgical outcome, that they’re  to blame, for life threatening complications (even when their surgeons aren’t)  when they’re not.

That kind of perspective, such as examining the “why” can help, whether or not a human being is bariatric patient or NOT.

It can help help from a perspective of WHY tragedy happens.

It can help from trying to prevent self sabotaging behaviors, of many kinds, of interfering in one’s ability to find inner peace and a balanced life, regardless of socio-economics and other factors.

The problem is, and it’s not a problem, it’s a CRISIS, that when people hurt, if not kill themelves and/or  another human being, the “why” matters.

The intention of whether or not malice, is present, matters

Whether it be in the case, of my writings of blogs, as of late, whether it be a pastor who drove drunk and killed, I’m assuming, very unintentionally, locally,  that went viral , a 911 operator when driving drunk, last week.

Malice matters, when trying to prevent school or any kind of massacres, whether it be in Parkland, Sandy Hook, Orlando, Las Vegas, San Bernadino or Columbine, to name a few school (and other)  massacres, even though the motives of the person/s commiting the massacres may VARY, and vary widely.

Malice, and/or absence of it, matters greatly, when a mother who has an MSW and should know crisis resources, still kills her baby, her husband and herself, which happened 2 weeks ago.

Or a week later, when a mother kills her husband, her 2 adult children and herself , executing them, by shooting them in the head, when feeling rejection, as it’s been rationalized in the news, right or wrong , when being shunned from her house of worship and/or religious faith.

Talking about why these tragedies occur, as painful and complex as it is, whether or not malice is involved and/or the “why” of them, will NOT  necessarily prevent ALL of them from occuring.

But isn’t it worth a mention, if maliciousness and/or an abscence of it, as well as the “why”, necessary, to at least try and prevent at least  some of them?

I’m not a clinically trained professional. I’d like to know though, where are the clinically trained professionals, to try and say something  and/or help do something, in the hopes of prevention of all these horrific tragedies from happening over and over again, even, though they definitely aren’t to blame, for these tragedies occuring, over and over again.

Because I loathe, as a non clinically trained professional, that I have NO answers or solutions, I’m just trying to be a part of the dialogue, in hopes for prevention of all these tragedies, and while it may be unrealistic to think that all of them can be prevented, we need to at least TRY to prevent some of them.

SO sadly, I have way more questions,  than I do answers.

It would be comforting, to hear from those who have answers (i.e. clinically trained professionals in abnormal/trauma psychology) , or at least an idea,  about the ugliness of human life, that can end human life, if not hamper other’s right to be at least psychologically balanced, happy and healthy, to try and say, what they think is going on here and what, if anything, can be done to prevent all these tragedies that end in loss of human life .

Note: I welcome constructive feedback. I’m kindly asking if someone does NOT have constructive feedback, to not comment. Thanks.

Editorial Note: Clarification, 15 minutes after publishing this blog. I shouldn’t have assumed that nature of the blog, would be clear.

But it’s not something I could’ve said, whether or not people intend to do harm, both fatal and extreme psychological duress, there is sometimes instances where malice is apparent and malice is absent.

But point I’m trying to make, is both intention, whether or not there is an absence of malice, the “why”, matters greatly and is worthy of further discussion, in hopes of prevention of these tragedies.

I shouldn’t have though, assumed that people would construe that, just by the nature of the blog, so while I’m not sorry for what I said, and how many words, it took to say it, I AM sorry, that I wasn’t clearer.

Again, my apologies for not clearly stating above clarification. Thanks….

Tag Cloud