“State of Misgrace”……

(pic of me taken at Downtown Minneapolis Target) 7-1-2017.

Here’s what Google and search engines terms on WP tell me what you wanna know about me:

IF you’re a fat person hater (more about that, in THIS blog), Yeah, I am fat as fuck, over 15 1/2 years after gastric bypass surgery AND my sentence syntax still sucks, as well as YOUR search engine skills (and YOUR psyche) really SUCK, as I’m not hiding on social media(um ever hear of Facebook where my profile and pics is public and there’s like 2 people with my name out of 2 billion and only one “unstapledlisa on the planet, you dumb hateful fuckers) , this is far from the first/current full body pic, that you’ve managed not to found out about me, or anything else “hateable” about me.

IF you’re a weight loss/weight loss surgery peep who hates on people in the community (many of you don’t, that’s why I still co-exist in the wls communities :)), I ALREADY know you won’t EVER be like me, with complications and more importantly, that you won’t ever gain ANY of your weight back, like me AND at 2 1/2 years status post of weight loss surgery of your choice( the average length of time post surgery of my community of wls haters) , you ALREADY know everything, so congrats on both your XXX lbs gone FOREVER and being a bariatric surgical PRODIGY!!!

And fucking FINALLY, if you’re a Fat Acceptance advocate, I still defend my right to lose weight and anyone’s elses and find thin bashing STILL just as repugnant as fat bashing and/or not accepting and being respectful of people’s right to do with their OWN bodies, their business, so yeah, I’m epically failing as a FA, too.

NOW that we got the fun of BODY POLITICS outta the way, wanna talk about just good ole fashion “normal” (heh!) politics????)

***Trigger Warning/s: Even though this blog is more of an update/personal nature blog than activism, because I talk about serious subjects, even when I’m venting/ranting, which if a picture explanation, is just THAT wordy and ranty, I have a feeling that this will be much more of a “fun” blog to write, than it will be to read.

It’s too bad  I can’t rent my blog/me out, as a sedative.

HOWEVER, even when “venting” , I talk about serious subjects and sometimes when NOT in “activist” mode, make a little fun of them (my own issues). IF you’re easily triggered by serious topics and/or are a danger of hurting yourself or others, PLEASE seek professional help in acute care facility for evaluation and treatment. Also, if you’re triggered by profanity, please don’t read. Thanks!!!!***

Okay, with above business being taken care, I’m kinda pissed that I couldn’t title this blog “Fuck You 2017 and Fuck You, 47th year”.  Like I did with my birthday blog from last December. Well, I mean I could, it’s still a free country (no,not really) and there is still freedom of speech (no, not really, EITHER).

It’s more like there’s consequences (depending on who you are and I think because of KARMA (which I’m still NOT sure I believe in) or not, depending on who you are, or who you aren’t.

Or a scary amount of disproportionate consequences (or not) from your actions or lack of actions, regardless of how well meaning, misguided, to the downright evilness of intentions, depending on the person.

That’s the FUCKING problem, I’m dealing with, nowadays. I know what my problems are, genuine and irrational. I know how lucky I am, in a lot of ways. I’m still ALIVE, everyone I love the most is still ALIVE and my life is NOT the LIVING HELL that it was in 2006 to 2011.

But as the oldest and ongoing winner of the Ms. “has a fucking frightening lack of responsibilities in the” Universe pageant, my life ain’t the fucking bowl of cherries, it should be.

Or it’s one that I keep choking on the pits, so to speak.

When I think of my life, exactly 14 years ago, I was a full time employed single Mom of 2, with a great new baby girl and an awesome almost 11 year old son, who just returned back to work, after a 3+ month maternity leave (DAMN, I USED to be really good with money, among a zillion other things, then) my life wasn’t anything resembling this fucking hard, as it is now.

While I count my blessings for what great people my children have turned out to be and how sad I am, that I had so little to do with that (if you’re a new reader, that’s covered in many previous blogs).

I’m just really sad that this just seems to be such a fucked up scary world for them to exist in. And I can’t do much to protect them from that, except warn them of potential hazards, not going overboard, as I really don’t want to sully any kind of more positive outlook on life, they may have, compared to my outlook, but at the same time, I don’t want life to give them a big ole punch (ok, many fucking punches) in the gut, that they will hopefully survive (as well as THRIVE)  better, than their mother seemed capable of.

I just don’t want that to be my fucking legacy to them, my legacy to myself and/ or the world, for the matter(s).

And while I’ve accumulated, some (ok, very little) wisdom that normally comes with age and know who I am and am secure with who I am, as well as messed up about how my life turned out, I don’t want my legacy and/or my current identity tied up as “the loving single mother who had the great life experience of having 2 great kids, sharing a plane with Princess Diana (in 1996, also in other blogs) and the screwed up luck of having mental health issues that I was unaware of at the time in 2001, going into a gastric bypass, that I was lucky enough to have a brilliant surgeon who performed a technically performed bariatric surgery that I responded physically HORRIBLY to and nearly died from, and lost my crap and nearly got committed (also in other blogs) who ended up needing a gastric bypass reversal and is now a very wordy medical and mental health activist”…..

YIKES!!! That was a mouthful!!! It’s also the reason why the owner of this brain is not on Twitter, very much. Let alone social media (which I’ve written other blogs about) very much anymore.

I get that in this wordy ranty blog of mine, it’s taking me now 1100 words to make a point/s.

And like no one, except for me (on occasion) has that kind of attention span in 2017. And most people don’t have the time or the inclination to dwell on matters of this nature, even though as UNRELATABLE as most of my blogs are, to most people, I apparently resonate with quite a few, as my blog has been read in 87 countries (fun fact!!!) and 6 continents (Seriously, WTF, Antarctica, don’t people dwell about serious shit at 3 a.m, too???).

Apparently, some of my blogs, such as my most read blog, to date which the “The Project Harpoon People Can GO Fuck Themselves” (way to go ME, for keeping it classy and concise, right??) that I wrote 2 years ago, which I found myself the target of a group of haters on a site called Voat called “FatPeopleHate”  that popped up after the Harpoon peeps got shut down on Twitter, that I found a few weeks ago.

It’s not the first time I had found myself a target of haters or Fat Acceptance hatred. It was the first time of being eviscerated by a large group of people (1100 to be exact, holy shit, right???)  too mean, stupid and hateful to find out anything other about me, than I am wordy blogger who blogs about Fat Acceptance and had a gastric bypass (that and a bunch of other stuff about me, was in particular blog) that I apparently epically failed and was a bitter, ugly, fat as fuck 500 lb ugly chick who can’t write a simple sentence. And was hiding behind a blog.

Cause it’s not like I have full body pics from different times in my life to current times that are PUBLIC and can be found in about 2 seconds, when doing a search engine on me or my blog name, which I actually do have. And it’s not okay to body shame anyone in the manner they shamed me, regardless of how much I would weigh.

I guess that serves me right for finding that group, when “Googling” myself at 3 a.m…

I’m at  almost 1400 words (FUCK!!!)  and I’m finally am going to make my points!!! YAY!!!

I still at rotten overripe,oversized  and old age and person (by weight and looks) at an average size 14 and 47 1/2 in age,  get judged way more for what I look like and what I weigh (depending how fat or not fat enough, depending on who you’re asking) than anything I ever fucking  did or anything I ever fucking said.

By both people who know me well and people who don’t fucking know me at all. Or people who’s responsibilities are to know me better and/or not judge me (i.e. medical professionals/see past blogs on “md-ptsd”, although I advocate for clinically trained medical and mental health professionals, as they are their essence, human beings).

I get my own barriers and my unique barriers in resolving some of my issues. I even have the understanding of others barriers. And have empathy for most people.

EXCEPT for fucking  murder/suicide perpetrators, rapists, pedophiles and people who hate on any class of people for any reason, whether its on me or others and I can live with that.

I’m just having so much fucking trouble adapting to a world, that seems as it gets so technologically advanced, people become more scary and uncivilized to me. And I can’t do anything about that, other than to bring awareness, that while I know my own issues, that it could help, with removing stigma about so many things, for others to be aware of their own issues that could possibly interfere with others right to a safe and peaceful enjoyment life, too.

Not just for my sake. But for those who I love the most (i.e. my children) and so many innocent others, where we at a time, never had so much that should unite us, but is also dividing so many, at the same time.  Or that HATRED is uniting people, way more than acceptance (and again, if that doesn’t work, try apathy, yes, I said apathy not empathy. you don’t have to like, let alone love on something you’re predisposed to hate on, but try to at least be indifferent, OK?) should be and how terrifying I find all of this to be.

(see, for the 2 of you, non-haters, the above 5 paragraphs is the worthwhile reason I wrote this blog/you were rewarded for your patience)

How the FUCK do we FIX that!?!?

If you know, feel free and tell me, so. Try to be respectful about it, though, OK? I don’t go either in others online or offline spaces to make them feel unsafe. Either intentionally or unintentionally (though you now have a current pic, of what I look like, if you see me out and about). I know that this obscenely overweight smoking redhead does her fair share of scaring people, unintentionally, when out and about, in Downtown Minneapolis where I reside (which if that’s the case, stay home, because I’m definitely not the scariest thing  that you’ll encounter down here), I respect the right of others peaceful and safe enjoyment of their own lives, both in their private, public, offline and online spaces.

And wish that fucking everyone realized that everyone has a right to that. And now, over 2000 words, later, I made fucking finally made my point/s.

Note: If the rantiness and wordiness of this blog didn’t give you the clue, that I’m absolutely not going to give a shit, let alone post anything that has no resemblance to my “agreeing to disagree” respectfully stance, don’t waste my time or your own, by sending me something that I won’t read and I won’t publish, both in hatred of me, or any other.

 

Caught with your sticky fingers in the candy bowl, in the digital era…………

http://time.com/4095765/woman-caught-stealing-halloween-candy/

In full disclosure, even though the above story has trended in my newsfeed on Facebook, a zillion times, I’ve yet to see the video. Or read the links. I only used a search engine as I suspected this story would feed into fat hatred, and I wasn’t wrong in my assumption.

SO,  if ya missed it (impossible in the Facebook era, when the same story trends about 13 or 14 MILLION times to make sure one doesn’t miss something that’s considered trendworthy or newsworthy), which both are not mutually exclusive.

I would never call out anyone about their parenting, even though I’ve seen my friends do so, and that’s ok. But I’m not in a position given my circumstances, to dislike this lady for that reason.

I AM though, however in a position to absolutely HATE what she did (not ok to actually hate HER) , given the fat acceptance and size acceptance advocacy that I do.

I’m going to digress for a minute, then make my point on the “candybandit”. I absolutely HATE Halloween. Nothing fucks up this fat girl who’s been teased all her life for being fat and ugly (I’m speaking for myself only, I have a lot of larger size friends who LOVE Halloween) than a holiday designated to dressing up in ill fitting costumes on me and being given candy that others, including myself, think I’m too fat to fucking eat.

So, as a size and fat acceptance advocate, who’s only read the story in the link I posted above and did a 15 second search engine check, I’ve tried to ignore this story, but it’s impossible to ignore the links. I can’t imagine though, how much this is feeding into those who are fat phobic and fat haters (you wouldn’t believe how much HATE you can find in 15 seconds on social media and in a search engine) and if you are sensitive to fat hatred, do yourself a favor and don’t even bother, like ever, with the comments, which I occasionally torture myself with, but not in this case).

SO,  let me reiterate this, as it NEEDS to be said, NOT EVERY FAT PERSON is a threat to your candy bowl, Thanksgiving spread and all your Chrismas cookies. Not everyone who’s of larger size eats multiple entrees as one meal from Mickey D’s and Taco Bell?

UNDERSTOOD???

I will also say that’s it’s pathetic that people are driven to do something or not do something, based upon their actions potentially going viral, not because it’s the right or wrong thing to do. But this does teach an important lesson that almost everything that we do, has the potential to be newsworthy for worthless and messed up reasons.

So I’m going to open this up, to my followers/friends,  on WordPress, Facebook and Twitter, as a discussion topic. Did you watch the video? What is your opinion of this story and it actually being a story?

An example of a PATHETIC attempt or guise of Fat Acceptance by a “former” female fat hater of fat females…..

http://www.xojane.com/issues/why-i-hated-fat-women-and-how-i-stopped

I’m going to make the above blog a QOTD (Question of The Day) , against my better judgement. I think this blog was absolutely AWFUL. Maybe her honesty will make others think twice about fat bigotry they carry (and fat men were completely forgotten in this self serving hunk of crap). It wasn’t awful in it’s execution, it was AWFUL in it’s sentiment.

I happen to be grateful to miss that awful video by some comedienne, when it first went viral, when I was off Facebook from Wednesday night to yesterday morning, although I saw enough about it, yesterday alone.

Maybe to others, it shouldn’t matter why people get rid of their fat hatred, as long as they do. And if you read the comments (which you don’t want to, if you are sensitive to issues like this, as they are AWFUL), it will be evident, that the author’s “mea culpa”  was “muy mierda” (much bullshit, in Spanish).

But I guess to me, it should be that Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance should be kinda like a human right,  because it’s not right to hate anyone, based upon race, religion, sexual orientation, gender and/or gender identification and weight (thin or fat)….

Can you imagine, if I wrote a blog on how I got over my hatred of of thin people (which I don’t hate thin women, thin bashing is just as repugnant to me as fat bashing is) due to it being misogynist?. Sadly, it probably would be slightly more well received, ONLY,  because there’s a preconceived notion, based upon how much fat bigotry there is, that it’s normal (NO it’s NOT) for  fat women to hate on thin women due to thin privilege and sub-conscious or if not, conscious jealousy.

Kiya, I hope you evolve a little more. Your blog was offensive, to not only fat women but ALL fat people. I’d really like to think that XOJane was more evolved that it apparently is, to think an explanation and a feeble attempt to admit it was wrong under misogyny, is anything helpful in reducing fat hatred.

Even if it does. It’s for all the wrong reasons and hopefully you and your editors at XOJane will understand that.

I just don’t have high hopes that you will or the site will. And that greatly saddens me…..

Note: I don’t buy into the fat hatred excuse of caring about one’s health. One can’t hate others or themselves into the best health for them!!!!!

Questions regarding my blog and the link of the blog I posted:

Do you agree with me or the author of the blog on xojane.com? Elaborate as much or as little as you’d like ….

For those who are trying to overcome fat bigotry, given that it’s likely that someone who engages in a lot of fat hatred actions (i.e. comments on the internet or trolling Fat Acceptance sites and/or blogs) probably has someone they love and/or care about who is larger of size, how would you feel, if you don’t make them a target, that other people DO ? You will not be dinged for your honesty, if you admit doing this and finally realize how hurtful it is.

What needs to be changed so that Fat Acceptance IS finally understood to be a movement that it’s not right to hate others based upon how much space they take up, in your opinion, if you are NOT an activist but finally see that fat hatred is getting worse, not better and it has NOTHING to do with people’s health and can you acknowledge that?

There’s NO one right way to do Size and Fat Acceptance advocacy…..

So I’m in a reclusive mode, today, and just am having a Facebook binge, and a quiet day at home, as I don’t feel like going anywhere.

When the following  TWO following weight related links start to trend in my newsfeed on Facebook .

The first being more prevalent, than the latter, as far as being shared.

http://www.thefrisky.com/2015-08-24/the-soapbox-did-fatphobia-enable-jared-fogles-predatory-behavior/?utm_source=share-fb&utm_medium=button

http://www.wearyourvoicemag.com/dear-virgie-can-someone-pursuing-weight-loss-be-fat-positive/

Now, I’ve wanted to write for awhile, about the hypocrisy I see in the size and fat acceptance movement. And sometimes size acceptance and fat acceptance are mutually exclusive among activists.

While I’ve always tried to make my internet spaces, safe for people, when it comes to weight talk, that’s absolutely impossible to do, when I’m co-existing on the internet as both a weight loss surgery long time peer (and I’m supportive of those who elect any of the weight loss surgeries) as well as as being a size and fat acceptance advocate, where I definitely advocate that people shouldn’t have to lose weight at all. For ANY reason.

I, however have a lot less Fat Acceptance advocates as social media buds, then I did 4 years ago, and for very good reason.

There’s a lot of reverse sizeism prejudice that goes on in many of the fat acceptance communities. And it’s totally unnecessary. And totally hypocritical. If not extremely hurtful to some people, when putting down people who are smaller in size, as far as weight is concerned.

Not only that, it’s extremely hypocritical to tell people they can’t lose weight and be in size and fat acceptance advocacy. I’m NOT sorry, for saying, “my body, my business and not for anyone to judge” when it comes to those who think I’m too fat or a bariatric failure to be in the weight loss surgery communities and I also get told I’m a crappy Fat Acceptance advocate for defending people’s right to lose weight, up to and including having a surgical intervention for weight loss.

However, as it applies to the 2nd link I posted, which was a blog from yesterday by Virgie Tovar, it’s one thing if you want to have an initiative called #LoseHateNotWeight. Which I’ve largely ignored for the most part. The same with HAES (even though I defend both).  But to speak poorly for those of us in Fat Acceptance who think it’s ok, if someone wants to lose weight and people’s right to lose weight if they want to? On their own safe spaces??? That should be okay to anyone. But not is it only NOT okay, people like me, are personally demonized for defending both intentional weight loss and to not have to lose weight to be treated with respect.

In NO WAY  is that acceptable to do that to some of us, who believe in both defending people’s right to lose weight and defending people’s right NOT to lose weight and not be judged harshly, which Virgie did in her blog yesterday. I understand fat bigotry (HELLO, I identify as an FA), I realize that I probably don’t get triggered as much as some people do by intentional weight loss talk, because I am a long term weight loss surgery peer. That doesn’t mean that intentional weight loss talk doesn’t get to me, at times, too, because it does. But it’s an “occupational hazard” I embrace, because while I’m not fully accepted in ANY community I do activism for,  my weight loss surgery peers do a better job of supporting what they agree with me with and ignoring what they don’t.

I’ve gotten bashed enough times with my opinions on defending intentional weight loss in my own internet spaces, by FAs that I’m no longer affiliated with any particular FA group.

It isn’t a matter of biting the hand that feeds you, when a FA bashes someone who defends both sides. NO ONE tells me what type of advocacy I can do or can’t do and NO ONE tells me how to do it. Telling me or insinuating that there’s something flawed with my Fat Acceptance advocacy and activism, for those  who defend intentional weight loss in their OWN safe spaces, is failing fat people, it ain’t helping them.

What militant Fat Acceptance are doing by bashing people like myself, hurts Fat Acceptance it doesn’t help it. And sometimes it borders on bullying people to think exactly like as far as how certain militant Fat Acceptance advocates do their activism.  People like me, are probably the ONLY shot, Fat Acceptance has of being understood, by true fat bigots, who’ve NEVER been fat,   in getting the message across, it’s NOT ok to HATE on something, that people have been conditioned for years by society and the media, to find unacceptable if not repulsive, by saying be apathetic to what one hates or try to understand the what, why and where their hatred comes from. And get past it.

So that the world will be a better place, for everyone.

You really think fat haters or going to buy into Fat Acceptance, otherwise? Just by a hypocritical movement that still is bashing people based upon size (those who are on the thinner side of the spectrum or who want to be)???

Seriously???….

The only thing I’m embarrassed enough to admit, is that I wanted to write a blog like this, a long time ago. But have put it off as I do have very FEW militant FAs that I adore. And who’ve been extremely supportive of me, regardless of what opinions I share about weight matters in my own internet spaces or they’ve shown me the courtesy of ignoring in what I do or say that they don’t agree with.

They don’t pretend that I don’t exist. If I’d digitally delete or unfriend someone every time I had a difference of opinion, I’d have NO social media buds. I, for the most part try to have an ” agree to disagree, respectfully” stance when discussing controversial subjects.

While my social media spaces aren’t a democracy, they aren’t a dictatorship, either.

But the reason why I’m saying this about the majority of the militant Fat Acceptance advocates, they do just as much bullying, in some cases as the bullying that they are trying to fight. It’s one thing to me, as exhibited in my blog, to be hateful to outright haters (like in my last blog), I am not hateful of anyone who just has a strongly different opinion in the matter of body politics, than my own.

And as far as the Jared Fogle link, being shared in the Fat Acceptance communities or anywhere for the matter? Insinuating that their might have been any type of possibility that fat phobia caused Jared Fogle to be a predator? That’s ridiculous and insulting. And it is  feeding into fat phobia, not helping it.

The ONLY reason Jared Fogle acted out on pedophiliac behavior is because he is a pedophile!!!

p.s I’m not really worried about the few who might unfriend me over my opinions on how badly some FAs begin with. The ones I respect their opinion, I gave them heads up. The ones I didn’t, including Virgie, I’m NOT going to miss the support I NEVER had from them.  People who have issues with being egocentric either online or offline, definitely is NOT smaller size, specific.

p.s.s.  I also have a thicker skin, if you’ll excuse the horrible pun, the most people give me credit for. One has to, when they exist in a world that either tells them that they are too fat or they aren’t fat enough!!!

Note: Respectful differences of opinions, will be published.

The Project Harpoon peeps can go FUCK themselves…..

Most of my social media buds (as well as offline/ “in real life” peeps) know I don’t go online Fridays. They also know that I’m not easily shocked, given my circumstances.

I don’t know why, when I came back online Saturday morning of the 22nd of August, that I was horrified to hear about a community of haters who photoshop large people into being thinner, under the guise of trying to shame people into “better health”.

I actually did write a blog about the opposite happening, a little over 6 months ago, when an artist who has a BBW fetish, photoshopped thin celebrities into being fat, which while I didn’t love that, it isn’t nearly as hurtful as these pieces of shit, who hate under the guise of health.

If I have to say this a MILLION times, I will. Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance isn’t a conspiracy to make thin people fat. It’s a movement that anyone of any size should get behind for multiple reasons. Such as it’s not right to hate any classification for any reason (as I find thin bullying/bashing just as repugnant as fat bashing), but that fat bashing is still so socially acceptable, if not embraced. Fat phobia and fat bigotry also harms thin people, as we’ve demonized fat, so much in our society, that people die of Anorexia, because they think that being fat is the worst thing to happen to a person, so they’d rather risk dying by not eating, then risk being fat (note: Anorexia Nervosa is a complex psychological disorder that goes beyond the little of what I’m defining it as, the same could be said for Obesity, which I personally, don’t think being fat in itself, is being in a diseased state, unlike most of my fellow weight loss surgery peers and most of society. I’d believe it is a complex medical and mental health disease as it applies to those who elect to have bariatric surgery ).

Let’s get something straight, right off the bat. Any community that calls themselves “Project Harpoon” and resorts to using  hate and shame tactics to shaming fat people, doesn’t like the majority of human beings on the earth, and have to be the most fucked up, pathetic pieces of shit, that could possibly walk the earth.

People who do care about weight being a possible health issue, but care about people, would NEVER resort to hateful tactics like these pieces of shit are doing.

I’m not linking any of their hateful bullshit. Not going to risk that someone is going to profit from hatred of people from clicking on their links . I can only hope that people keep reporting their hateful antics and their sites , as hate speech.

Lastly…. And again, I’m repeating myself. You cannot gauge health based upon size or weight. You also can’t tell what people have tried to do to lose weight. Whether it be in my case where I had a bariatric surgery that FAILED me (but still defend bariatric surgery as an intervention for weight loss and understand the multiple reasons why people elect to have bariatric surgery) or the fact that I know people who’ve had weight loss surgery, lose hundreds of pounds but are still not considered thin by society, and they get judged harshly.

But NO ONE should have to feel that they have to lose weight to get respect and not be hated.

NEWS FLASH for fat phobic bigots. You don’t find a fat person attractive? That’s fine. But instead of bashing what you HATE, try apathy for that, as well as just concentrating on what you like. The world is a way too negative place, now a days to begin with. Also it might shock the fat phobic bigots that for some of us, especially women, while I’m heavy enough to be fat, I’m a “baby fat” (I’m about a size 12/14 on average) so I’m too fat for men who only like thin women . For true BBW admirers, I’m not fucking fat ENOUGH. And I’m not the only one who’s had to deal with bullshit stuff like that. Thank goodness there’s people of both genders who can appreciate people without being hateful to what they are NOT attracted to, regardless of how thin or fat, someone is.

Fucking UNBELIEVABLE!!! If  CANCER got as much attention as being fat does, there would fucking be a cure for it, by now.

Note: I am too fucking pissed to be able to write about this, WITHOUT using profanity. I’m hoping that when I’m not as outraged, I can post something that can be possibly shared, if people read this, think it has merit, but don’t feel comfortable sharing because of the profanity.

Same rules apply, people are allowed to respectfully disagree with me as it applies to weight. I will NOT publish any posts that are in support of Project Harpoon.

“Hellthy”…….

Pictures on the top, taken on my 45th birthday/12/2/2014.  Picture on the bottom taken 12/10/2014

“Everything that KILLS me, make me feel ALIVE”

I had started a blog, yesterday, that I thought eloquently would tie in why I share the health beliefs that I do, both medical and mental health. About weight issues and body diversity. From an activist point of view. I decided to make this blog though, personal. The title of this blog, is not a typo. I’ll explain as I go along.

I had decided after showing signs that I was possibly headed for having a stroke to finally quit smoking (I have low to normal blood pressure, NOW, ONLY because I am now a heavy smoker, in the last 2 years) but prior to that, even though I’ve been a smoker and borderline “morbidly obese”, at my heaviest, have always had low blood pressure. I had orthostatic pulmonary HYPOtension after my gastric bypass both at my thinnest and heaviest until my reversal. I’ve never had one health issue that’s considered a “co-morbidity of Obesity”.

Tomorrow is my quit date for smoking. I’m allowing myself to smoke cigarettes until the end of tonight. But no more smoking cigarettes after that. I purchased a vaping pipe with menthol flavored liquid with NO nicotine, on my 45th birthday, 2 weeks ago. Ideally, I’d like to be both tobacco AND nicotine free.

BUT…. Make NO mistake about it, I am NOT quitting smoking for my “health”. While I don’t try to be inherently “unhealthy” medically or mentally, I’ve been way too broken, for way too long, to do anything that’s health dictated. I just don’t want to end up, as gut instinct tells me, someone who’s in imminent danger of stroking out and being in a nursing home, by the time I turn 46. If you’ve read other blogs of mine, it’s understandable, why my freedom of choice is so important, as well as my ability to remain living independently.

As many things I talk about in my blog that are horribly painful about what played a part in my being so broken, there are certain things, I can’t or choose NOT to say, because I have a responsibility as an activist, while not to be an example, but have to be super sensitive to my reader base, that I don’t trigger anyone.

However, I’m finding that people are finding and reading my blog, because they are fat haters and are looking for someone, I’m thinking to pick on, as I do have keywords such as “fat activism” that fat hater trolls use to pick on size acceptance/fat acceptance bloggers.

What’s shocking me, is that while I’ve gotten a little bit of hate from those trolls, they aren’t bothering me very much and I don’t know if I should even be offended by that.

I’ve never done anything that’s been driven by the desire to be in good health. It’s not shocking, that I don’t have a high sense of self esteem, given everything I’ve been through. I’ve been bullied for weight and looks issues from the time I was in preschool to current times. At the same time, I’ve never purposely made myself sick, to get attention.

While I love my weight loss surgery peeps, I do shock them by saying that my gastric bypass was not driven by health, either. I  hated myself being fat and ugly, in a world that’s hated me for being fat and ugly. However, I was no more well received when I was thin. And while at my thinnest and fittest, I had loved exercise and that was a healthy coping mechanism, I stuck with it because I got endorphin highs and because I did enjoy being thin (most of it), although I did pay dearly for thin privilege.

I go into more detail about my issues with body dysmorphia, In what is kind of sadly, in what I think is the best blog I’ve ever written. It also has pics at my heaviest both before and after my gastric bypass. While I don’t care so much about that, given what’s said in my anonymous hate mail, quite of few of you, actually do.

Ugly Hurts………

This is my 52nd blog that I’ve NOW written. I’ve gone in pretty good detail why I feel the way I do about weight matters,anti-bullying and the medical and mental health advocacy I’ve tried to accomplish.

But if I am going to be an ethical activist, I have to admit my struggles with certain things. While I passionately advocate for size acceptance, I’m terrified of when trying to quit smoking, that I’ll gain weight. I admit that I’ve been trying to lose weight (and I have, but I weight cycle a lot) , even though I’ve had to make my peace with the fact, that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever be be thin again.

I picked up smoking at the age of 15. I picked up smoking, of course, to lose weight. I picked up bulimia after my pregnancy with my son, at the age 22,  when I had no choice, due to hyperemesis of pregnancy, that while I didn’t purposely make myself throw up when pregnant, I found it was something I could do, even if I didn’t become thin from it, to be less fat, after my son was born (because I had hyperemesis with both kids, for my entire pregnancies, not only did I not gain weight, I lost weight when pregnant).

I find it kind of nauseating though that we live in a society that seems to be so preoccupied with medical health and weight, that it really doesn’t boil down to that, in the digital age. Because the only measure of successful health is based upon what one looks like and what one weighs. And how good someone looks in pictures, regardless of their age.

This is my point of view of all the people claiming to care about their and other’s health.  And my health.  It’s none of your fucking business. And most certainly not for anyone to judge. It’s one thing to be concerned about medical and mental health health issues in others that can effect quality of life, if not rob people of life. But all the so called concern I see, is hurting people, more than it’s helping. Especially as it applies to weight.

We would be a lot better off in society off not gauging or making harsh judgments on any person, for any reason, based up what they look like in a picture or what they look like in society. And concentrating on what we can do to be in our own best health, instead of criticizing judgments about other’s health. This is why I titled “Hellthy”. Because people’s “health” is a trial by fire (and social media, if not all forms of media and in our offline lives), internally and externally, fueled by too much “pretend” concern about health, that it’s becoming counterproductive.

So, hopefully, in this being what I hope as my last hour as a smoker, that I’m ready to make changes in my life,to try to make decisions and take actions to be healthier.I’m already mentally healthier. Hopefully if I can quit smoking, I’ll be healthier, physically, too.

But don’t fault me, for a failure of being capable of being to do that, so far in my life.I’m not playing victim, here, though. Just explaining the disaster that people can become, when mostly hearing what failures they are, inside and out for their whole entire lives. And unfortunately people can’t be full of self loathing for so long,  self destructive and unfortunately, not hurt others.

No matter how  unintentional it is…….

A Reminder of why I do Size Acceptance……..

Okay…. I just received HATE in the form of fat shaming for the first time on my blog.

I don’t know why I am so shocked, but I kinda am. I mean a troll is a troll is a troll…

But still? REALLY? Okay…..

Let me clarify something, my health is for NO ONE to judge. I’ve made it people’s business because I am an activist of sorts. I do not though have any health issues that are erroneously attributed to fat.

I’m not trying to start a war with my adored weight loss surgery peers for what they do for Obesity awareness. We kind of have enough mutual respect to agree to disagree.

When there’s one medical condition that only people who are considered overweight, obese, morbidly obese or super morbidly obese get that thin people DO NOT, I’d still have trouble buying it.

So I ask of my wls peeps or people with fat bigotry issues, to “check them at the door” in my digital spaces. If seeing a fat person eating a Big Mac (which I’ve NEVER ate) fills you with revulsion, you don’t know that the thin person eating a Big Mac, right next to them, could be the person with diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You’re justifying your hate of fat, based upon aesthetics. Not based upon health, which you cannot tell, just by how much space that another human being takes up.

If you are that concerned about weight issues, as it applies to health, then be a human being, with empathy, to have concern for all weight issues. People die every day from Anorexia. Let’s not shame body types or pit them against one another. Thin bashing ain’t ok, in my spaces, either. I’ve had “justfiable” body dysmorphia since I was 4 years old. Enough already!!!!

Most of the time I can ignore the hate. So really taking the time to hate on me on my blog, Facebook, Twitter or my personal email address, isn’t going to result in very much.

If I’m bored though, and/or you REALLY looking for a fight, BRING.IT.ON. I’m kind and empathetic, usually, because it’s a conscious choice I choose to make. Really wanna provoke me and well, you’ll find out the hard way, that isn’t really isn’t the best way to utilize your time or mine. And I don’t take kindly to cowardly and cruel internet trolls, if I can’t ignore them.

“MD-PTSD”/Part 2

Ok… a couple of days ago, I wrote a blog regarding an unpleasant ER visit at a hopsital close to me, Hennepin County Medical Center on Friday.

Unfortunately for both them and me, I ended up with a bilateral bright red burning rash on both my arms, yesterday. I also had a really bad cough that I had for several weeks and should’ve been obvious to the doctors (I own the cough though,I am a smoker with asthma, and save your judgments, PLEASE) that my cough was an issue but I didn’t make it an issue on Friday because I was UNBEARABLE abdominal pain. I lived with unbearable abdominal pain for almost 7 years ,though, before my gastric bypass was reversed.

I’ve been a Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance advocate for many reasons, just like I choose to remain in the Weight Loss Surgery community for the same amount of time. One of the many reasons I do activism and advocacy for Fat Acceptance because I’ve been stigmatized by doctors or not treated right. Just because I’m fat. It gets worse if you add that I do have severe chronic pain and mental illness. I’ve NEVER had any co-morbidities due to “obesity”. Almost every health issue I have medically and some mentally is everything I’ve done in my life to get thin and stay there.

There’s a look that I get when people find out, especially if they have an “M.D.” after their name, when they find out I’m a gastric bypass reversal patient but that I’m  fat. I’ve already gone into details of why I gained so much weight before my reversal because of psych meds.

When I try to explain to my friends online and off of the look I get from doctors when they find out I’m a fat reversed gastric bypass patient, I tell them to imagine if they saw a unicorn on crack. Because that’s the look I get from most people not just doctors. It’s the “how does someone have so many FUCKING gastric bypass problems that they get reversed but still are so FUCKING fat again????” (note: if you are curious of where I’ve been pic of me in different periods of time both before and after gastric bypass and reversal is on my all time favorite blog of mine, “Ugly Hurts” . However I look like crap when I’m either walking around Minneapolis or in an acute care facility)

So again, to go back to last night. I end up at the Urgent Care at HCMC, because my cough is causing me problems and I want to rule out issues with my rash (which I realize today when it’s gone, it must have been one of the side effects from Macrobid and I had quite a few) and to rule out pneumonia. I live in the Downtown Minneapolis and we are getting snow, and I didn’t want my cough to get worse and then for me to have to out in the snow, was my reasoning for going to the Urgent Care, last night.

So I get there around 5:40 p.m. last night and am pleasantly surprised that they aren’t busy. I get roomed right away and the nurse is starting to give me trouble because I’m complaining about a lot of stuff, some of it which is my normal. She makes a biting comment that if I mention too many more symptoms, I’m going to have to to their E.R. So I back down. She goes out and this really super nice physician’s assistant comes in.

Other than my adored primary care physician of 16 years, I don’t think I’ve been talked to or treated by any other medical professional with such kindness and compassion without it being inappropriate, in my life.

The problem is that with my cough that brought an occasional left side chest pain, she doesn’t comfortable treating me at all and wants me to go to the E.R. to rule out a possible or potential heart attack. Once she said that, I couldn’t pay much attention to anything else she said. She says that I won’t have to go through the waiting room and that a nurse will be back shortly to take me to a room in the E.R.

By the time the nurse comes back (it was the same one who assessed me), I took one look at the wheelchair and thought there’s NO WAY IN HELL, I am going to back to that E.R.  I try to tell her that politely and she was really rude. I just said that I just left that E.R. less than 72 hours ago in terrible pain. While they did something they didn’t do in my book, enough. And she got defensive about that, I walked out and I could hear as I was walking out, say to that physicians assistant, snidely “she’s leaving”.

Who in their FUCKING right mind would stay? Seriously? Keep in mind, I used to get sent home from Fairview University Medical Center with ulcer perfs and projectile vomiting blood and they wouldn’t even do a test on me. This was long before I ever took any ibuprofen. I’ve drug abuse tested a trillion times. For many years now.

I guess I at first chalked up my experiences at Hennepin County Medical Center in that 72 hour period as not stellar but could’ve been worse. Like Fairview University Medical Center worse, although I’ll give my bariatric surgeon credit. He did go way out of his way at times and he’s an amazing surgeon.

Then I realized something this morning. They do treat pneumonia in their urgent care. As nice as that physician’s assistant was yesterday,I left that hospital almost in worse shape last night because I didn’t receive ANY care last night and I have to wonder if her resistance to treat me was due to weight bias. Meaning if I would’ve been thin would’ve I been treated the same way?

I understand that acute care facilities don’t get into lifestyles. They don’t have the time, especially at a Level 1 trauma center.  At both though my urgent care visit and my E.R. visit they knew I was having trouble eating and had both new onset of symptoms as well as certain things were my normal that are not everyone else’s.

The “MD-PTSD” what I mean when I refer to that, is the fact that I have a lot of horrible anxiety about seeing doctors now. And it’s justified. I’ve been unfairly labeled as an attention and drug seeking hypochondriac with a weight loss surgery failure for so long now, that it’s just going to be almost impossible for me to see any other doctor than my PCP and I find that really sad for me. As well as many of my friends, who experience weight, chronic pain and mental health bias.

Not every patient who’s seeing a doctor is looking for drugs or attention. I understand my circumstances are different because I can be in unbearable pain and get myself to an acute facility, especially one that I only live 2 blocks away. But given the diversity of our neighborhood out here, in Downtown East Minneapolis, I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to see another doctor again.

Just like I don’t know what it’s going to take for all doctors not to label patients. Not every patient who walks in the E.R. and is fat is a walking time bomb. That prejudice fails both thin and fat patience because thin patients have heart attacks, too. Not every patient who lives a more singular existence with mental health and severe chronic pain issues is looking for attention or drugs,just like not every weight loss surgery patient develops a “transfer addiction” after weight loss surgery.

But until doctors who do carry bias that end up harming their patients more than helping them, realize that HARM they are causing to patients, I’m going to be an activist and advocate for people who don’t have a voice.

It’s just terribly sad that as we become more technically evolved, we are getting worse in our judgments of people. Especially at the time when they need compassion the most. When they are medical or mentally sick and/or in crisis. And compassion won’t matter if bias effects a providers ability to provide adequate care.

Note: Again I own my barriers. It bears repeating that I’m not a dream patient. I’m just not a provider’s worst nightmare other than I’m kind of a medical anomaly of sorts. Things like pregnancy, gastric bypass and Mirena, while most women don’t have problems, all 3 three nearly killed me (and no disrespect meant to my children, as they were so worth it) And I really respect with the diversity of people that providers at HCMC have to treat, with some patients who are hostile, if not violent, the threat they are up against everyday. And that can happen to any hospital but it’s more likely to happen at a county hospital.

The DISILLUSIONED Body Diversity activist and advocate…..

I haven’t blogged for awhile. While I have had things to say. I haven’t really had the right words to say them. I figured whether the right words came to me or not, I’d give it a try.

Most of my Facebook buds know that I do not go online on Fridays. I normally don’t, because I need a break from social media. I need a break from the activism that I do that’s so serious and mentally draining at times, for self preservation.

I like to Netflix binge on my “Fridays”. Right now I’ve just started with “Grey’s Anatomy”. A show that I have never seen since it premiered on network television.

It happened to be, that in the middle of the 1st season of Grey’s Anatomy that I was watching yesterday, there was an episode about a young lady who had a mother who was a perfectionist and would harp on her about weight. So as a THIN young 17 year old , she went to Mexico and had a gastric bypass and that’s how she ended up in the Emergency Room at the fictional Seattle Grace Hospital, needing a gastric bypass reversal and a small bowel resection to save her life.

That episode REALLY messed up the enjoyment, I usually get from taking internet free days and putting me back into activism mode. But it also messed me up personally, because in the last 4 years, since my gastric bypass has been reversed, I’ve had to put up with a lot of hate and/or confusion of why my gastric bypass was reversed, given the fact I was heavy again, but I definitely didn’t look like I was starving to death (my labs of essential nutrients and vitamins proved otherwise, even though I didn’t have absorption issues with calories anymore). And those pesky g.i. bleeds were going to kill me. Which they would’ve and I would’ve died in 2010 had I not had my gastric bypass reversal.

But somehow, for someone who’s been fat since they were young, I understood better than anyone would think, that I’m sure that thin people have gone to Mexico, to have weight loss surgery because of fear of being fat. I understand better than anyone why a lot of fat people have weight loss surgery and why for multiple reasons that it’s life changing, in a good way for them. That has NOTHING to do with their physical health. And I can’t blame them.

And while I understand and am committed to being a size acceptance and fat acceptance advocate, it seems like as more time goes by, our society gets even more fat phobic. That we are conditioning people at such a young age to find fat AND fat people, repugnant. It’s not getting any better, as far as acceptance of body diversity issues. It’s getting worse. OR we are pegging women of different body types against each other. It’s not any more acceptable to me to thin bash, than it is to fat bash, and I was thin bashed at my thinnest or my weight loss was denigrated in some manner because I had that “RISKY EASY WAY OUT GASTRIC BYPASS ” (my weight loss surgery peeps will get my sarcasm, even though most of the world won’t, ESPECIALLY if they’ve never been fat).

I, unlike my Fat Acceptance peers, can’t accept the word “fat” as easily as I claim. I am not being a fraud when saying because life long bullying being called fat and ugly, while I DEFINITELY  don’t think everyone who’s fat, is ugly (but I don’t have a great love for the term “BBW”) , I definitely feel that way most of the time. I’ve had WAY too many years of horrible bullying both as a child and an adult, to current times, being bullied for being fat (and ugly) , to ever accept the word as a descriptor and not take it as judgment that I have coming to me.

And if I guess my being honest about how hard it is to be a Fat Acceptance activist who takes personal issue with the word and how it makes me feel and it subjects me to more hate and/or criticism, so be it. I am not trying to take away the acceptance of what other people have for themselves as it applies to Fat Acceptance, and I definitely see a need and I think I can understand better than anyone why there’s a need for that as well as be a good body diversity activist. The best I can be…

BUT… I have to be an HONEST one.

And I’m realizing that for as much as I’ve tried to do good in all areas that I do activism for, that I have a ways to go. In certain things, especially as I’m almost 45, I get things more than I don’t get them.

But, I just don’t get the war we have on our own bodies and psyches and other people’s bodies and psyches.Actually I DO. I think that’s what’s most disheartening.

Sadly, the personal issues I have with my weight and looks, EVEN THOUGH I’VE DONE EVERYTHING TO TRY AND LOSE WEIGHT,AND AM STILL TOO FAT AND NOT ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH have NOTHING to do with my mental health issues.

They have everything to do with a society, that’s getting worse in telling me, that NO matter what I’ll do, it will NEVER be good enough. And that is sad, given everything I’ve gone through, that having 101 problems, that my weight, looks and age, is a problem. For me…..

That has no resolution except for me to ACCEPT it. And EMBRACE  it. Even though I’m constantly told mixed messages not only from myself but EVERYONE else that anything I’ll ever do or look like, will NEVER be ENOUGH.

And what is actually NEEDED, so that myself and SO MANY OTHERS, stop feeling this way????……