It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…


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Pictures on the top, taken on my 45th birthday/12/2/2014.  Picture on the bottom taken 12/10/2014

“Everything that KILLS me, make me feel ALIVE”

I had started a blog, yesterday, that I thought eloquently would tie in why I share the health beliefs that I do, both medical and mental health. About weight issues and body diversity. From an activist point of view. I decided to make this blog though, personal. The title of this blog, is not a typo. I’ll explain as I go along.

I had decided after showing signs that I was possibly headed for having a stroke to finally quit smoking (I have low to normal blood pressure, NOW, ONLY because I am now a heavy smoker, in the last 2 years) but prior to that, even though I’ve been a smoker and borderline “morbidly obese”, at my heaviest, have always had low blood pressure. I had orthostatic pulmonary HYPOtension after my gastric bypass both at my thinnest and heaviest until my reversal. I’ve never had one health issue that’s considered a “co-morbidity of Obesity”.

Tomorrow is my quit date for smoking. I’m allowing myself to smoke cigarettes until the end of tonight. But no more smoking cigarettes after that. I purchased a vaping pipe with menthol flavored liquid with NO nicotine, on my 45th birthday, 2 weeks ago. Ideally, I’d like to be both tobacco AND nicotine free.

BUT…. Make NO mistake about it, I am NOT quitting smoking for my “health”. While I don’t try to be inherently “unhealthy” medically or mentally, I’ve been way too broken, for way too long, to do anything that’s health dictated. I just don’t want to end up, as gut instinct tells me, someone who’s in imminent danger of stroking out and being in a nursing home, by the time I turn 46. If you’ve read other blogs of mine, it’s understandable, why my freedom of choice is so important, as well as my ability to remain living independently.

As many things I talk about in my blog that are horribly painful about what played a part in my being so broken, there are certain things, I can’t or choose NOT to say, because I have a responsibility as an activist, while not to be an example, but have to be super sensitive to my reader base, that I don’t trigger anyone.

However, I’m finding that people are finding and reading my blog, because they are fat haters and are looking for someone, I’m thinking to pick on, as I do have keywords such as “fat activism” that fat hater trolls use to pick on size acceptance/fat acceptance bloggers.

What’s shocking me, is that while I’ve gotten a little bit of hate from those trolls, they aren’t bothering me very much and I don’t know if I should even be offended by that.

I’ve never done anything that’s been driven by the desire to be in good health. It’s not shocking, that I don’t have a high sense of self esteem, given everything I’ve been through. I’ve been bullied for weight and looks issues from the time I was in preschool to current times. At the same time, I’ve never purposely made myself sick, to get attention.

While I love my weight loss surgery peeps, I do shock them by saying that my gastric bypass was not driven by health, either. I  hated myself being fat and ugly, in a world that’s hated me for being fat and ugly. However, I was no more well received when I was thin. And while at my thinnest and fittest, I had loved exercise and that was a healthy coping mechanism, I stuck with it because I got endorphin highs and because I did enjoy being thin (most of it), although I did pay dearly for thin privilege.

I go into more detail about my issues with body dysmorphia, In what is kind of sadly, in what I think is the best blog I’ve ever written. It also has pics at my heaviest both before and after my gastric bypass. While I don’t care so much about that, given what’s said in my anonymous hate mail, quite of few of you, actually do.

This is my 52nd blog that I’ve NOW written. I’ve gone in pretty good detail why I feel the way I do about weight matters,anti-bullying and the medical and mental health advocacy I’ve tried to accomplish.

But if I am going to be an ethical activist, I have to admit my struggles with certain things. While I passionately advocate for size acceptance, I’m terrified of when trying to quit smoking, that I’ll gain weight. I admit that I’ve been trying to lose weight (and I have, but I weight cycle a lot) , even though I’ve had to make my peace with the fact, that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever be be thin again.

I picked up smoking at the age of 15. I picked up smoking, of course, to lose weight. I picked up bulimia after my pregnancy with my son, at the age 22,  when I had no choice, due to hyperemesis of pregnancy, that while I didn’t purposely make myself throw up when pregnant, I found it was something I could do, even if I didn’t become thin from it, to be less fat, after my son was born (because I had hyperemesis with both kids, for my entire pregnancies, not only did I not gain weight, I lost weight when pregnant).

I find it kind of nauseating though that we live in a society that seems to be so preoccupied with medical health and weight, that it really doesn’t boil down to that, in the digital age. Because the only measure of successful health is based upon what one looks like and what one weighs. And how good someone looks in pictures, regardless of their age.

This is my point of view of all the people claiming to care about their and other’s health.  And my health.  It’s none of your fucking business. And most certainly not for anyone to judge. It’s one thing to be concerned about medical and mental health health issues in others that can effect quality of life, if not rob people of life. But all the so called concern I see, is hurting people, more than it’s helping. Especially as it applies to weight.

We would be a lot better off in society off not gauging or making harsh judgments on any person, for any reason, based up what they look like in a picture or what they look like in society. And concentrating on what we can do to be in our own best health, instead of criticizing judgments about other’s health. This is why I titled “Hellthy”. Because people’s “health” is a trial by fire (and social media, if not all forms of media and in our offline lives), internally and externally, fueled by too much “pretend” concern about health, that it’s becoming counterproductive.

So, hopefully, in this being what I hope as my last hour as a smoker, that I’m ready to make changes in my life,to try to make decisions and take actions to be healthier.I’m already mentally healthier. Hopefully if I can quit smoking, I’ll be healthier, physically, too.

But don’t fault me, for a failure of being capable of being to do that, so far in my life.I’m not playing victim, here, though. Just explaining the disaster that people can become, when mostly hearing what failures they are, inside and out for their whole entire lives. And unfortunately people can’t be full of self loathing for so long,  self destructive and unfortunately, not hurt others.

No matter how  unintentional it is…….

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