It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for September, 2019

In hopes that #MetastaticBreastCancer doesn’t claim another wonderful woman…

In loving memory of  Angela Suzanne ( September 19th,1969- October 31th, 2018)…

“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch”. -Jack Thorne

There is the thirteen.

Actually, it is now, eleven.

I remember in Winter of 2010, my aunt was hospitalized suddenly, at the age of 65, it was a little over a  week before my nephews b’nai mitzvah.

I had a bad feeling about her hospital admission. My Aunt, who at the age of 26 in the mid 1970’s was diagnosed late with congenital heart issues and had one of the very first pacemakers.

I remember being in a car, telling my father and son, after we left my Mom and Dad’s house, after trying on some outfits to wear to that b’nai mitzvah, at my Mom and Dad’s house that I didn’t think my Aunt, who was my Mom’s oldest sister,  would come home from the hospital.

While I’m not in the slightest, psychic, I tragically was right.

She died a few days later.

One thing that stuck with me, was because in the same week there was to be a funeral and a b’nai mitzvah (my nephews who are close in age, had their bar mitzvahs at the same time) the Rabbi, said something striking.

YOU don’t cancel a simcha (a joyous gathering in Hebrew) because of a death in a family, life still goes on and it’s meant to be celebrated for the survivors, it doesn’t take away the loss the loved ones feel, but it would be remiss not to concentrate on love and happiness, even during a tragedy.

But it was tragedy to all of us, I was so devastated that G-d took her instead of me, as I would’ve died without my gastric bypass reversal in 2010, but for how sick and heartbroken that  I was, that I didn’t even go to the b’nai mitzvah because my Aunt died instead.

My son and my daughter in law got married, a little less than  2 weeks after he proposed in May of 2018 on Mother’s Day weekend.

While I’m sure quite a few people though they got married in a rush, because my daughter-in-law was pregnant, that wasn’t the case.

The reason why they got married quickly, was that my son’s mother-in-law had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that had quickly spread.

Not that anyone would know from looking at her, as my daughter in law’s mother was absolutely gorgeously radiant, the day of their wedding.

Not that I would know, because I never met that wonderful woman.

Because, it had been so long since I’d seen anyone from family, other than my children,parents and and daughter in-law to be , I didn’t want to bring negative attention to myself, by attending as it been so long since I’ve seen so many of my family members, as I wanted the attention to be on the gorgeous bride and groom and the beautiful loving woman (my son’s Mother in-law to be) who with her gorgeous daughter and they looked like twins practically, planned a gorgeous wedding in less than 2 weeks.

I do not regret not attending the wedding.

I didn’t belong there for the reasons that I have stated.

I regret more than anything, however, that I never met the wonderful woman that was my son’s mother-in-law.

I never got to thank her for how wonderful she was, not only to my son, but to my daughter, as well.

As well as it saddens me to no end, that their 1st anniversary fell on the first Mother’s Day without her.

When I refer to the “thirteen” or the “eleven”, those are people I’d gladly die for.

That would be my children, my parents, my sisters, my nephews and my boyfriend.

I would’ve gladly, especially for how sick I was in 2010 and would’ve died for my Aunt Susan, who loved life, never complained and lived life to the fullest, with a zest and was so fun loving.

Angela Suzanne, my daughter in-law’s mother who I never met, was an amazingly wonderful loving mother. She was a loving daughter, mother, mother in-law, sister, aunt and friend. She was a hard worker and while she was many good things, the most she treasured was being a mother, and her love just didn’t extend to pride about how wonderful her daughter was, but my son, as well.

And if I could’ve died her in place, I would’ve as well.

She should’ve had the opportunity to be the wonderful loving grandmother that she would’ve been.

She should’ve seen my daughter-in-law turn 21.

She should’ve not had to fight so hard to stay alive and die a horribly brutal and painful death, which was hastened by how hard she fought and the treatments she sought so willingly to buy time to spend with those she loved the most, even though they made her so sick.

Truthfully, I have not seen my daughter in-law since her mom passed.

Because I’m terrified, as I don’t possess the loving wisdom that her Mom, did that could bring her in any comfort.

And I’ll never have the right words to explain the travesty that was her Mom’s disease and her death and how heartbroken I am for them.

And because we don’t get to choose on who’s place we take when death comes, there isn’t anything I can or do, to show how sorry I am, for the biggest loss any young woman has to bear, when tragically losing the mother she loved so much, who fought so hard to stay alive, for her.

As well as the horrific loss that the rest of her family has and is feeling.

The only thing that brings me a tiny bit of comfort is that she raised so lovingly a wonderful daughter and that everyone who knew Angela, was better for it.

But, I can’t stop thinking of my future grandchildren, even though they will live on being a part of her, should’ve had the amazing wonderful blessing that having her as a grandmother, would’ve brought them.

That my daughter in-law, as well as her entire family should’ve had more time, with that wonderful amazing woman.

The only thing I can do and I will, going forward,  is raise money and awareness for metastatic breast cancer, in addition to the other medical activism that I do. .

Until, there is a cure and if not, better and less invasive treatment options that don’t cause side effects that are almost just as bad as the disease itself, when it comes to metastatic breast cancer.

I turn 50, in a little over 2 months. What I am hoping for, is to raise as much money as possible for the American Cancer Society.

In hopes that while Angela Suzanne didn’t live to see 50, that other mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandchildren and friends will be able to see their loved ones turn 50, if not for those who die younger, as well as love on their future grandchildren, if not their actual kids,  that they should’ve lived to see, grow.

If not older, than longer than they should’ve had.


In defense of #HCMC ‘s Ketamine study and possibly protocol for potentially violent and violent patients…

Workplace Violence in Healthcare: What Does the Data Say?

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: My normal disclaimers do NOT apply as far as my NOT being a  clinically trained medical and mental health professional or NOT being trained in law enforcement and/or public safety, as this blog addresses the safety threats to first responders and healthcare professionals locally, but this is a dialogue that above study  in first link, that addresses on a national level, the threat that healthcare workers are up against with patients who are ALREADY in an acute facility for evaluation and treatment when in mental  and/or medical crisis or combination there of or that first responders are potentially in danger, when responding to a crisis call.

I have in NUMEROUS blogs, advocated for patients rights, in this case though, as in a few other blogs that I’ve written, the patients that I’m advocating for ARE the first responders and healthcare providers that are in danger when verbal de-escalation techniques may not be the most effective, which can not only jeopardize a patient in who is in medical and mental health crisis, but the first responders and healthcare providers who are trying to stabilize them.

There are already local and national activists who advocate for verbal de-escalation, I don’t agree and I think someone who isn’t a peer as a first responder or healthcare worker needs to advocate for safety of people who work in these professions.

If this is a topic as a patient, that could be triggering, please do not read.


About 8 months ago, I blogged about a less than ideal encounter at Hennepin Healthcare’s emergency department, from the perspective of a patient, where I felt that I had been unfairly labeled and was also given prescription high strength ibuprofen that I never filled, as a patient who had a gastrointestinal bleed history and NSAIDs are an AWFUL treatment option for me.

The rare 4 times I’ve been in the emergency department at that facility and ONLY at that facility in the last 5 years in their emergency department as a patient, truthfully before seeing above 2nd link or similar stories last year , when either in the waiting room or when roomed and waiting for care, truthfully, I had wondered why some very aggressive patients wandering around had NOT been sedated.

Not just for patient safety sake, both the patient themselves who were acting out and other potentially non violent sick patients who were being treated but for physicians, nurses, other hospital staff, as well as there is police and/or Hennepin County sheriffs at this facility.

I’ve also blogged several months ago about a nurse who was violently assaulted at Anoka Metro Regional Treatment Center and also  when 3 1/2 months ago a man who was under the influence of illegal substances had made a terroristic threat against my apartment building about blowing it up and also mentioned about wanting to kill me when he first saw me.

This is how I personally de-escalate situations when being harassed for money, sex and drugs.

I look the person in the eye, tell them I’m sorry that I can’t help them but that I don’t have any money, that I wish I had drugs but that I’m on probation and get drug tested (not true and all I’ll add to that, is my medication list is up to date at both FUMC and HCMC online resources as well as in my DNR/emergency  info in my phone) and depending on how agitated or aggressive they are, I’ll give them a cigarette and wish them well and go on my way.

OBVIOUSLY, clearly that’s a technique that NO first responder or any physician or nurse working with an unstable patient can actually  do.

I’m not the medical or mental whisperer, I realize that part of the reason, even dealing with extremely unstable people with a propensity to be violent, on a regular basis, is largely due to luck.

The big deal with Ketamine issue at HCMC was informed consent and some of the consequences with some of the patients needing to be intubated, afterwards.

The problem is that no one could say with absolute certainty that the patient would’ve been better off, the patients around them, the hospital staff and the first responders had they not been given Ketamine.

I clearly have a bias…

But the thing is, it’s not the hospital staff that if I have a patient encounter that I am not thrilled with the evaluation and treatment that scares me.

It’s the patients who are aggressive and agitated who pose a threat to staff and patients who aren’t sedated who scare me at HCMC, which I live 2 blocks away from and truthfully at  any hospital.

And those potential patients who are roaming in Minneapolis and St. Paul who are in crisis of some sort, who also I find terrifying.

I really have to wonder if those advocating on non medication interventions have ever been a patient, visitor or volunteer  at HCMC’s emergency department.

And in my case, I can just choose not to get treatment there, any longer, now that I have a DNR and just wait for my biannual medical visits with my longterm PCP of over 20 years in Princeton, a much smaller town, outside of the Twin Cities.

However HCMC’s  first responders, entire hospital staff and patients in medical crisis who don’t have a predisposition to ever be violent and either need a level 1 trauma center or hospital closest to them, don’t have that as an option, to opt out.

This is a topic that needs more discussion, when patients in crisis, who are potentially a threat to themselves, really can’t give informed consent and are potentially a threat to first responders, healthcare workers and innocent others, and the injury risks and rates HAVE to be reduced, if they can’t be eliminated, for healthcare workers.

Note:  Again, I welcome respectful differences of opinion, even if they are opposing. Anything that threatens the welfare of myself or any of my readers will be reported to the proper authorities.

“boiling it down” to who and what ya can do the most good for…

Important Disclaimers: I caught this earlier on You Tube this morning, which I love the channel and it’s content, which is important to say.

As well as why I was watching it, which was to distract myself to not have to write my last blog,  which it kind of forced me into saying what I did and why.

I’m only posting this blog, as a topic of respectful debate, at best.

As it’s a restaurant/workshop meant to do good.

BUT, by the nature of it being exclusionary, not on purpose, I think warrants a respectful discussion.

As always, because this blog DOES touch upon medical and mental health activism, that for those in medical and/or mental health crisis of some kind, need to get immediate in person help from appropriate in person facilities and specialists.



I’m not hating upon above video, again as said in my disclaimer, I love the channel and their content.

And in this particular video, it highlights a suicide prevention initiative with food.

But I did take issue with it, as an activist and made a thoughtful comment not to hate, but to start a discussion, if not on You Tube, then here.

The video if one chooses not to watch it, is about it a Boston based restaurant, who’s owner wanted to use food in a way, that positively impacts people, not only with their aspirations, but also when it comes to those who’s depression that could be fatal to them.

This is the issue I have with it, as I watch a bit of food related videos, to decompress or as distraction and I’m definitely  not used to videos on this channel making me rush into writing an activism related blog.

I do not think that it is a good idea, for a lot of people to have a quantitative food specific goal as a stepping stone associated for important life goal setting and or depression eradicating purposes as seen in the video.

I could see why the initiative and restaurant would be inspiring to some, I just couldn’t understand how it’s kind of tone deaf and why it doesn’t appear to be that way, even as unintentional as it is, to others.

I don’t say this because I after everything I’ve done to lose weight, even with having bariatric surgery, could never do something like this and would never want to.

I’m a disabled introverted activist with a psychotic digestive system, that I can’t eat even 9 years status post gastric bypass reversal, an unspecified amount of food privately or publicly.

In my particular case, I have to eat what I can tolerate and stop when I feel satisfied, as full hurts.

I had to take whether or not a food would make me gain weight out of the equation for my medical and mental health.

As there are healthy foods I love that I can’t tolerate any longer and I’m not going to eat unhealthy foods that I don’t like, as a punishment of any kind and just try to  enjoy foods without qualifying them, the ones I like and can tolerate, for that reason.

I don’t eat anything that I don’t REALLY like at this point, I  eat one meal during the day in the 10 months, and one yogurt before bedtime (which is the only food I eat for health reasons and my digestive system HATES yogurt, but my taste buds like it, at this point, which always changes) which works for me, and I realize others have to find their own way that works for them.

I hope going forward there will be similar initiatives that are more inclusive, as my comment on video, even bariatric patients or vegans and people with religious beliefs that dictate how and what they eat, for example, bond over food in some way.

Just not at the restaurant featured, I’m guessing…

Anyways, if you want to start a respectful discussion, here you go.

If you don’t, that’s okay, too.

Why #BillMaher going forward, is gonna have a lot of trouble convincing me that he ain’t Trump’s mean little bitchy wanna be brother, from a different mother…

download (1).jpeg
Important Disclaimers/Trigger Warnings: I’m writing this to achieve  activism goals that I really shouldn’t have to make, but unfortunately feel compelled to, after watching a segment on a Real Fucking Shame, oops I meant Real Time with Bill Maher early yesterday morning.

IF body politics, real politics and profanity offend you, please stop reading this, like NOW.

Also no intention meant to offend any orangutans is intended, as they don’t hate on humans based upon weight, looks, gender and age, like other humans do to each other.


I’m NOT supposed to be writing THIS.

I’m supposed to be writing a blog about how yesterday, the 9th anniversary of my fucking gastric bypass reversal, how I’m doing, well, like 9 years later.

Which I really didn’t want to do, either.

If I’m gonna be honest…

However, my gastric bypass reversal and suicide prevention blogs are the most read blogs of mine, ever.

And not just exclusive to the United States or North America, they get quite read regularly on all 6 continents except Antarctica.

Here’s the thing…

As someone who does serious activism as a blogger, who lives an unrecognizable life that did a 180, 16 years ago and who leans on the liberal side (clearly with a conservative streak, as exhibited in my LAST blog) I count on weekends that air a new Real Shame with the funny but I knew didn’t love fat people but looked away Bill Maher, as long as he didn’t constantly remind me of that.

As I needed the distraction of his non fat bashing humor to distract from all these sad, scary and intense news cycles.

I can’t give though Bill Maher a pass any longer on his fat people hatred.

I know too much that plays into trauma that leads to people being of excess weight and too little weight.

I know the desperation that a lot of people feel from being hated on by being of fat that at best, depending on how much they weigh, leads them to drastic interventions like bariatric surgery which I’m NOT against, knowing people who died from both severe morbid Obesity complications or suicide, when wanting a surgical intervention they couldn’t have.

Although, I am better suited for helping those in crisis medically and mentally for those who’ve had catastrophic gastric bypass complications that might lead to a need for a gastric bypass reversal in patients, who also have in real life medical and mental health professionals treating them.

And  how difficult it is, after having talking to many of those people who may need it, into a reversal, who don’t want one because they would rather be dead than fat again and how devastating and terrifying that is for a patient and any of their providers, myself included having that responsibility on them/us.

Bill Maher didn’t have to throw fat people to the wolves, or anyone, to make a point about things that are taxing our health care system.

And clearly he has never worked in health care or in insurance, like I have, where things like a rehab for non professional athletes with serious sport injuries or people with addiction issues, is also expensive.

I know this blog will be read and disliked  for multiple reasons.

And I do defend Trump supporters and don’t think they are bad humans.

Up until yesterday, I  could defend Bill Maher.

That’s until he proved he is dispositionally just as dangerous as Donald Trump is.

Donald Trump has never pretended other than in election cycles to like  people who aren’t thin and pretty and who aren’t poor for the last several decades.

So I can’t and I won’t shame people who still will support Bill Maher in any way, just like I don’t with Trump fans.

It’s not up to me, nor do I feel uncomfortable wishing harm upon anyone, I think people doing that so freely, who do feel comfortable,especially in the digital era they are and it is so dangerous and I’m not capable of it, even though I’m no longer wishing Bill Maher a super great life, either.

And at  least I don’t feel bad now, for at least hoping that Bill Maher, has a prescription in high doses of Zyprexa and Seroquel in his future and would love to see how that works out, especially with his love for weed and would love to see how he would fare, in regards to his weight.

For the fucking love of everything holy, please don’t generically fat bash anyone, John Oliver, those of us bigger liberals with a BMI over 30 are counting on you…

Note: Anything that’s hateful may or may not  be responded to, depending on how stupid it is.

Anything that is direct threat to my or anyone’s life, will be reported to the proper authorities.

What the #NRA , #PresidentTrump and #MitchMcConnell can to do to help make America safer without backing down on anything regarding their personal beliefs on gun control…

Important Disclaimers: I am not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training in law enforcement and/or public safety.

If you or someone you know is at risk of hurting, if not killing themselves or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

As scared as I am to write this blog, I’m more scared NOT to say anything or do anything.

This last holiday weekend was awful in tragedies that might have been preventable, in this case I’m talking about the shootings in Texas, Alabama and on Monday in Texas when a group of older teens pulled a gun on Popeye employees because they were out of chicken sandwiches.

I’m all for universal backround checks.

I also believe there should be a law requiring backround checks at private gun shows, and not only that, but  when it comes to any private gun sale.

I can’t though believe that will stop all gun violence and a lot of these massacres.

I also don’t believe in demonizing non violent mentally ill people as a scapegoat as that’s not going to make people safer, either.

Just like demonizing 2nd amendment advocates and NRA members who are responsible gun owners doesn’t make us any safer.

As an activist/blogger for violent crime prevention, on a local, national and global scale, what I’ve noticed at least in my local research is an escalation of violence, where it could’ve been predicted some of the domestic homicide/suicides and law enforcement murders.

While I think our President, the senate Majority leader and the NRA could do immediately is not only denounce the horrific gun massacres and gun related injuries and murders by at least denouncing the murderers themselves and instead of putting the emphasis on mental illness, put it on the past violent evil coward’s criminal history that quite a few of these people had.

What’s not being talked about and it’s shocking, as while any murder from a massacre is a tragedy, in case what happened in the 2 massacres in Texas last month, people who were Trump supporters and 2nd amendment defenders were also brutally murdered.

The vile evil cowards, even in the case of El Paso, didn’t take into consideration that they shot at and had killed Trump voters and 2nd amendment believers and the Dayton shooter, just shot as many people as possible, with no regard of race, gender, politically affiliation, 2nd amendment beliefs or age of the victims.

At at a bare minimum, we owe it to the victims and their families to stigmatize without giving attention to those who commit these atrocities and to make it clear with initiatives for prevention by bringing up not only will they cause horrific irrevocable harm not just on the family and friends of the victims which clearly they don’t care about  but of their own loved ones who do love them and would never think for a second to hurt another human being.

If something like that could at least be looked into with initiatives, for prevention, evaluation, treatment and a database that observes and flags recent factors of people with a past violent criminal history that haven’t shown signs of being rehabilitated when they have multiple violent criminal histories, could maybe do something to reduce these massacres.

Again, I’m not trying to hurt those who’ve lost loved ones due to gun violence, but I honestly can’t believe that if someone can’t obtain a gun legally, they won’t steal guns or weaponize something else to commit mass murder.

And while thoughts and prayers don’t do anything to try and reduce these tragedies, neither is all the fighting about gun control which only at best could potentially reduce the primary weapon of choice in some  of these massacres, but tragically it doesn’t reduce the desire to kill in violent mentally deranged evil cowards who will most likely kill regardless of being able to access firearms.

Note: I’m all for differences of opinions when shared respectfully. Anything not shared respectfully or any type of threat made against me , someone who’s a passionate non monetized violent crime blogger and activist will be reported immediately to the proper law enforcement agency/agencies.

Tag Cloud