It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for February, 2018

absence of malice…

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Disclaimer: Even though this is a personal blog versus a blog doing activism, not knowing the mental state of my readers, and due to the serious nature of what I’m about to discuss, I will always urge those in crisis and/or if someone suspects another that might be in medical/mental health crisis and capable of doing harm to themselves or another, to seek immediate treatment from a clinically trained professional, right away and/or contact 911, immediately.

I didn’t want to write another blog, right now .

I’m NOT okay.

I hate to say and actually resent that I have to say, when saying I’m not okay, that I’m not capable of hurting myself and/or another and/or other’s property.

BUT, I have to say that.

Because, I have diagnosed mental health issues.

And while I feel that we live in a society that people scare me, that I have very little hope, I’m actually TERRIFIED that because I have mental health issues that are diagnosed, that is enough for people not to trust for me, to NOT act in a manner that is harmful to another.

Even though there’s plenty of people who know me well enough to know, that I’m NOT capable of hurting another human being, let alone I’m fully aware of my issues and would never want, nor am I capable of hurting another human being.

But for some reason, I fear that’s not enough. Not because I distrust my own behavior, but because I fear the labeling of my diagnoses.

But truthfully, this isn’t about my diagnoses, medical and/or mental health.

It’s about others, as I’m fully aware of the consequences of my own issues.

I don’t like living a life that’s devoid of hope.

I hate that I live such a small life but that no only is it so small, but that I fear other people.

I can’t stand that the fact I don’t have more hope in other human beings.

Even though that I know that there are truly good people in this world.

But I loathe that we live in a society that whether people lie in wait to kill innocent others, or due to an equally scary but less talked about mental health circumstances, where people are snapping and/or it’s a slow snap, where people are killing stranger and/or beloved famiy members.

I can’t stand the fact that I feel so helpless,  to help innocent others retain their lives,  to pursue their lives, in a society that should value the sanctity of human life, above all else, but that total strangers and/or loved ones could provide the biggest threat to one’s life.

I’m heartbroken, because as little as I have to offer as a parent, and also as an activist, no one will take me seriously, when I try to ring the alarm, that while actual weapons of mass destruction whether it be a gun, bomb or an airplane, to name a few,  with an unstable operator who wants to kill people, that the biggest threat to our safety that I am able to see, is a smartphone and social media, and the addiction of them.

I remember being, I think in 7th grade, I know it was in junior high, when I saw the move “Absence of Malice”. I know while I don’t remember the storyline, per se, it was about the intention of trying to do harm via libel and the consequences of the perception of that.

That movie, I think was released over 36 years ago, but couldn’t be anymore relevant, in today’s times.

And I’m heartbroken, as while I remember that movie’s INTENT, I dont remember the plot, as well as a million other major life events in my OWN life, let alone a movie.

I can’t believe, and it’s bigger than myself and or any of my beliefs, the lack of regard of human life and feelings in another human being, by many others.

Even though there is many decent human beings who care about one another.

That while my life, so small, so abnormal while being not abhorrent, my legacy as it stands right now, is someone who got fat again, before a gastric bypass reversal, when having an epic breakdown.

That’s it. And while I could just dissapear in today’s society, as I loathe social media and I fear it, and I’m on it, so for all intentions, I have “dissapeared” because of my lack of social media presence, that I am still compelled, to be somewhat present, in public, or at least on the internet, as a blogger,and to be honest, for what is the ugliest of my life and of others, that goes beyond that, in hopes to do greater good for other human beings, in ANY manner that I’m capable of doing greater good.

And that of course, is motivated by trying to do the right thing, as an activist, given my spectacular failures as a mother, so that what we went through, wasn’t in vain.

Or that people don’t go through awful struggles and devastating life circumstances, without a support system, like I did.

But that doesn’t get brought up in my personal online life, as much as getting fat or staying heavy after a gastric bypass and a gastric bypass reversal.

And NO matter how much I try to fight that legacy, that we should live in a society, that values the sanctity of human life and the right of individual pursuit of personal growth, happiness and the right to a safe life, that doesn’t mean anything to another, if they wish to cause us emotional and/or physical harm and/or fatality.

The reason why I fear social media so much has both a simple and/or complex answers.

The sort of  simple but still complex answer is, that it encourages impulsive behavior in people, that could be at best, a deterrent to another’s happiness, even if it’s unintentional.

I’m not saying though, I don’t see the good that social media brings.

Whether it be a celebrity who pays off a fan’s mortgage or student’s loan. among many things we’ve seen that where social media has served greater good.

But, the various social media platoforms, simutaneously both encourages the best and worst of humankind.

So while it can be heartening to see both celebrities and others do common good, there’s a lot of bad that goes with it.

Whether it be feeding in one’s instaneous need to hatefully call out others. And to quite a few, social media, dehumanizes other humans, because they are being regarded through a digital lens, that somehow uniquely to predators and/or haters, that they aren’t worthy of common consideration at best, but at worst, they aren’t worthy of being allowed to live their lives with health, safety and peace of mind.

And I don’t think that I’m overreacting, as an activist, when seeing so many cases where in domestic violence situations, where people are not just killing those they love and/or hate.

But regardless, they are horrifically murdering their children, who get caught in the crossfire of a relationship ending badly or for any and all inexplicable reasons, devoid of any ration or ration when it’s needed most.

Or you have children who are tragically killing a parent or a friend, because they can’t react appropriately, to being told NO or something they don’t like. Whether it be  a child and/or teen isn’t allowed to have a party or a child kills another peer in what they feel is an action that shows some kind of rejection, and that leads to rage induced irrovocable behaviors, such as murder/s.

My kind of activism lends to the bottom line of asking “WHY”.

While I can tell a bariatric peep not to blame themselves for example, if they are in some kind of mixed medical/mental health crisis, that their complications are not necesarily their fault and/or of their surgeons and they “why” won’t help them, as far as seeking acute professional attention, so that their lives can be saved, the “why” does play a part.

Of course it does, as far as the “why”, it can not only help from tragedy happening, it can help from history repeating itself, even if the life threatning symptoms are alleviated, it can help from non weight related self sabotaging behaviors from occuring over and over again, that might happen, when someone unnecessarily thinks in the case of an adverse bariatric surgical outcome, that they’re  to blame, for life threatening complications (even when their surgeons aren’t)  when they’re not.

That kind of perspective, such as examining the “why” can help, whether or not a human being is bariatric patient or NOT.

It can help help from a perspective of WHY tragedy happens.

It can help from trying to prevent self sabotaging behaviors, of many kinds, of interfering in one’s ability to find inner peace and a balanced life, regardless of socio-economics and other factors.

The problem is, and it’s not a problem, it’s a CRISIS, that when people hurt, if not kill themelves and/or  another human being, the “why” matters.

The intention of whether or not malice, is present, matters

Whether it be in the case, of my writings of blogs, as of late, whether it be a pastor who drove drunk and killed, I’m assuming, very unintentionally, locally,  that went viral , a 911 operator when driving drunk, last week.

Malice matters, when trying to prevent school or any kind of massacres, whether it be in Parkland, Sandy Hook, Orlando, Las Vegas, San Bernadino or Columbine, to name a few school (and other)  massacres, even though the motives of the person/s commiting the massacres may VARY, and vary widely.

Malice, and/or absence of it, matters greatly, when a mother who has an MSW and should know crisis resources, still kills her baby, her husband and herself, which happened 2 weeks ago.

Or a week later, when a mother kills her husband, her 2 adult children and herself , executing them, by shooting them in the head, when feeling rejection, as it’s been rationalized in the news, right or wrong , when being shunned from her house of worship and/or religious faith.

Talking about why these tragedies occur, as painful and complex as it is, whether or not malice is involved and/or the “why” of them, will NOT  necessarily prevent ALL of them from occuring.

But isn’t it worth a mention, if maliciousness and/or an abscence of it, as well as the “why”, necessary, to at least try and prevent at least  some of them?

I’m not a clinically trained professional. I’d like to know though, where are the clinically trained professionals, to try and say something  and/or help do something, in the hopes of prevention of all these horrific tragedies from happening over and over again, even, though they definitely aren’t to blame, for these tragedies occuring, over and over again.

Because I loathe, as a non clinically trained professional, that I have NO answers or solutions, I’m just trying to be a part of the dialogue, in hopes for prevention of all these tragedies, and while it may be unrealistic to think that all of them can be prevented, we need to at least TRY to prevent some of them.

SO sadly, I have way more questions,  than I do answers.

It would be comforting, to hear from those who have answers (i.e. clinically trained professionals in abnormal/trauma psychology) , or at least an idea,  about the ugliness of human life, that can end human life, if not hamper other’s right to be at least psychologically balanced, happy and healthy, to try and say, what they think is going on here and what, if anything, can be done to prevent all these tragedies that end in loss of human life .

Note: I welcome constructive feedback. I’m kindly asking if someone does NOT have constructive feedback, to not comment. Thanks.

Editorial Note: Clarification, 15 minutes after publishing this blog. I shouldn’t have assumed that nature of the blog, would be clear.

But it’s not something I could’ve said, whether or not people intend to do harm, both fatal and extreme psychological duress, there is sometimes instances where malice is apparent and malice is absent.

But point I’m trying to make, is both intention, whether or not there is an absence of malice, the “why”, matters greatly and is worthy of further discussion, in hopes of prevention of these tragedies.

I shouldn’t have though, assumed that people would construe that, just by the nature of the blog, so while I’m not sorry for what I said, and how many words, it took to say it, I AM sorry, that I wasn’t clearer.

Again, my apologies for not clearly stating above clarification. Thanks….

An important part of the conversation in trying to prevent school shootings…

Important Disclaimers: I believe the video starts an important dialogue that we need to be having and I’ve tried to also state in other blogs about school massacres, other massacres and murder/suicides.

I’ll always encourage people who are in medical and/or mental crisis, and/or if you suspect someone else and is capable of hurting themselves or others, please seek acute clinical professional help and/or contact 911 (and/or EMS for your country if your outside the United States) immediately.

The man in this video is brave.

He starts an important conversation that I’ve tried to initiate dialogue for,  but am not so brave to leave my house to do so, nor as I am as concise.

He shares concerns that I have stated since I’ve launched this blog, that gun control is necessary, as well as open and honest constructive dialogue is necessary to try and  help prevent all these senseless school shootings, but brings up concerns wisely, that gun control is NOT enough.

Again, I believe in gun reform.

I don’t believe that ANY citizen should have an assault rifle.

But lifelong constant societal, familial and peer rejection in some people can lead to predatory and horrific massacres.

It doesn’t mean that all people who’ve experienced massive rejection would ever be capable of hurting another person, let alone killing them.

And Aaron Stark talks about that, too.

Because when we start the labeling people without asking questions, a reclusive loner who’s been subjected to lifelong bullying and has limited support, not all of them are going to ever be capable of causing any kind of harm (i.e. me and many others) to others and have never ever thought about hurting another.

And society just can’t start locking people up, in thinking because they possess certain anti-social appearing traits, that they are at risk for something I/they would  NEVER be capable of doing.

I don’t think it’s his intention, but I want to make this clear, as I do think the video can be life saving, some people probably can not be “loved” or shown caring enough to prevent them, from doing something that could cause harm, if not fatalities in many others.

In the end, it’s the person who kills people, who’s responsible for them being a mass murderer,  as there is never a good enough defense to justify their horrific behavior, as it’s not brave to ambush innocent people, EVER. It’s horrifically cowardly and it should never be thought,  otherwise.

But it can give hope, as shown in the  conversation in this video,  that is possible that some of  these tragedies can be prevented, regardless of weapon choice in a potential mass murderer and/or serial killer.

By asking someone without stigma,  hopefully to save lives, of what helped him when in crisis, to not to kill himself, let alone other people, even though he had considered both at one time, can hopefully lead into constructive initiatives and support systems for those in crisis, BEFORE they horrifically kill others.

 

Google apparently HATES me and is apparently trying to KILL me…

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Disclaimer: This profanity laced blog is to be silly and/or slightly entertaining. Although I’m kind of befuddled on why when using Google’s search engine to find out how far it is from Dubai to Amsterdam, I’d get the option for directions on how to WALK there, I’d seriously strongly advise AGAINST , that this is not a cross-continental walking trek ANYONE should be making, let alone, ME.

That’s if one can even legally do that of any sort, which I doubt, whether they are an American or NOT.

I’ve been in serious activist mode, too long, so when finding that my You Tube account wasn’t working, late tonight,  I thought I’d read the news articles suggested for me in Google, even though they are usually not as wisely suggested, as videos.

While I didn’t find it anymore comforting about human nature reading an article about a Carnival Cruise that had to make a detour to get rid of a family of 23 people who were unruly on a cruise, when I read an article about an international flight that had to make an emergency stop, I decided, as pictured above, just out of curiosity,  to use Google to find out how far Dubai was from Amsterdam, which was the flight route.

In fairness to Google, I do end up having to use their search engine to look up some pretty diverse things, as an activist, and as a disabled activist, to fact check or better research some of the topics I blog about.

Other than planning and booking my trip to Vegas in late September of 2015, I haven’t given ONE inkling I’d like to go anywhere outside of where I live, let alone outside of Minnesota, and most definitely NOT any inkling that I’d like to outside of the continent on a walking tour.

I don’t know what makes me more FUCKING mad. That my premium (cause yeah, I pay for You Tube/Google Music, that way I don’t have commercials) isn’t working and that for the first time (as I’ve been curious to find out mileage destinations before, based upon news articles) why the FUCK they would for the first time, give me driving or walking  directions on a dangerous not recommended for any HUMAN being walking tour given distances and destinations, but especially, Especially, FUCKING ESPECIALLY for someone they know without a doubt, is a disabled activist and knows I don’t fucking drive, given my looking up public transit routes and having that site, bookmarked on FUCKING Google.

I didn’t take pictures of the directions of the exact FUCKING 3,820 mile cross continental trek, because when quickly scrolling for fucking over 30 minutes, it didn’t even take me out of Dubai, and while I can’t speak Hebrew anymore, I can read it, but I don’t know any Arabic, let alone the 15+ FUCKING languages that it would probably take to do something FUCKING ridiculously dangerously stupid and so unlikely by anyone.

And if I’m to be honest, I do find it kinda bizarrely hilarious and horrifying, at the same time.

So NO, I really don’t believe Google is trying to kill me.

Unless it’s unintentionally trying to aggravate  me to death, by no access to You Tube and a non fun detailed dangerous not recommended walking tour that NO ONE would ever try to do.

But hopefully, this worked being funny or as a sedative, if you’re having trouble sleeping like I am… Of if you ever had an intellectual curiosity, which I fucking NEVER HAVE HAD, an inkling of what it takes to walk from Dubai to Amsterdam, well then, you’re welcome.

Sheesh……..

p.s. Also note,  to add insult to injury I AM a fucking local 5 guide for Google. Where approximately  95% of my reviews of places are within a 1 mile radius of where I live and ALL of them are within a 15 mile radius, where I live, because they know exactly where I live, from being a guide and a paying customer.

p.s.s. For those who follow me on social media, I’m not planning on being on Facebook or Twitter for awhile, my blog though auto-posts to both. I’m not even walking within locally in Downtown Minneapolis much, so if I take a badly needed break also from blogging, I’m not using my Fitbit Zip, much, either.

And while right now, giving up the internet, sounds appealing, it’s highly unlikely, so if you want to get ahold of me, email me. Thanks.

In hopes to honor a recently local fallen hero…

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This above meme tragically doesn’t mean anything in relation to what I’m writing.

Because it wasn’t a local man who was 72 years old, and decided to drive drunk last night, who lost his car or his license.

He nearly lost his life and is in critical condition at a local hospital.

Horrifically though, he  killed a 30 year old female Minneapolis 911 operator who died tragically in that accident last night, on her way to work.

I’m heartbroken for the family, friends and co-workers of this amazing young woman.

I’m heartbroken as a citizen of Downtown  Minneapolis, who reveres all of our first responders, and feels safer because of them, whether they be 911 operators, police officers, fire department and our local HCMC EMS staff who are headquartered 2-4 blocks away from where I live.

I’m not saying the following, which I’ve said before, and after my last blog, the last thing I really wanted to be doing is writing another serious blog, given my disability sets and feeling so helpless about such tragic awful loss of life, in the last 2 weeks.

But in hopes that another person will NOT make the same mistake as that 72 year old man who drove impaired, last night, I will try.

As I thank our first responders, in person, everytime I see them, since moving to Downtown Minneapolis. I’ve thanked when I’ve had to call 911.

I’ve tried to thank them in past blogs and failed to do so because of my disability sets of not being concise, when trying to show being beyond grateful for their service, it was beyond readable.

I remember one instance, when calling 911, on July 4th in 2016, due to the PTSD triggers that I have, I thought because of being anxiety prone and having major panic attacks, due to fireworks that are set off in my neighborhood (I’m talking about people setting off fireworks not the professional display that occurs a mile away) , the year before, because it’s hard to distinguish I was so on edge, the next year, that I mistakenly thought there was a fire, across the street.

It wasn’t a delusion, it was a mistake on how light fell on a windy day, from where I could see, in my apartment window, in the parking lot across the street,  from being anxiety prone and when the 911 operator called me back, I realized what happened , that there was no fire and she made me feel better, because I felt awful, wasting resources when there wasn’t a true emergency, which I would any day, but especially on a day like Independence Day that’s super busy for first responders.

She kindly and patiently said, “we’d rather given the circumstances operate on a false alarm than not to not have the ability to help”, if there was a true emergency but it went unreported and it wasn’t so far fetched, and that I should feel good about caring about other’s people safety, as well as acknowledging and not minimizing my severe anxiety as it’s hard to tell when you can hear neighbors setting off loud fireworks, but cannot see them, if that’s what’s occuring or if it’s gunfire.

As such as in my case, where I didn’t feel safe enough, rational or not, to go outside and check.

So I’m writing this. I’m hoping that anyone doesn’t think that their actions, whether they get behind the wheel, drunk, looking at a text, looking at social media, being mad about something and driving recklessly, doesn’t have the potential to kill an innocent person.

BECAUSE IT DOES KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE.

And in this case, locally, we are mourning that we are NOW short one life saving hero, who didn’t have to die on her way to work, which she was an amazing first responder, because someone got behind the wheel when they had NO right to do that.

So hopefully anyone will think twice, before getting beyond the wheel impaired, for ANY reason, so this doesn’t happen again.

I’m so sorry for the loss of this lovely young heroic woman, for her, for her  family and friends, co-workers and the City of Minneapolis.

Editorial Note: I updated this blog, 3 hours, after I originally published, because at the time, that I heard more details about this tragedy, while the identity of the 911 operator had been released, I hadn’t seen any of the details released about  the identity of the drunk driver, who was a retired pastor.

I feel just as strong in my sentiment that people should not drive impaired, it shows that even people who do such good in the world, make horrific mistakes in judgement, that can tragically end a life of not just themselves, but an innocent other.

I’m trying to be as respectful as possible, given all the circumstances, in hopes that this doesn’t ever happen again. Or that it would possibly save one life, but I couldn’t ever do the greater good that both the 911 operator did in her life, as well as sadly from what is being reported about the retired pastor and felt I needed to be sensitive, as I could, given this particular local devastating tragedy.

Another gentle reminder, when to and when NOT to bring up Mental Illness and massacres…

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Disclaimers: I’m very sensitive, as well as heartbroken, for the tragic loss of lives that occurred this week, 2 of them I’ve blogged about in the last week,  alone.

I’m NOT a clinically trained medical, mental health, law enforcement or public safety.
I will always implore people, if they or someone they know, is or suspects to be in crisis, is potentially a danger to themselves or others,  to contact 911 and/or seek appropriate  emergency treatment from clinically trained professionals in an appropriate acute facility.

I know there’s a lot of people who DO NOT want to hear this today.

I don’t want to have to say this, today, but it’s important in the conversations that need to be discussed on reducing the horrifying rates that people, innocent children and adults are being killed  in their homes, their schools and their workplaces.

As well as in their places of worship, hospitals and on the street.

In my blog late last week, I blogged about a mother, who when suffering postpartum psychosis, shot her 3 month baby, her husband and then herself, to death.

That St. Louis mother, was a well respected woman in her community. She volunteered with disadvantaged  people in need. She participated in her church and had a Masters in Social Work, where for reasons that may never be known, of why she horrifyingly  killed her baby, husband and herself with a gun she obtained legally, other than postpartum depression was used in an article, but there’s a difference between postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis but neither should be stigmatized.

The other blog, was the one I wrote yesterday was  about a vile young man, who laid in wait, when filled with irrational deadly rage, attempted to execute as many innocent people as possible, in the horrifying high school mass shooting that happened in Parkland, Florida, yesterday .

I’m not trying to add more devastation and sadness, I like most people,  whether they have mental health diagnoses or not, cannot and will not  EVER  understand, how people can hurt another person with any kind of violence, let alone kill someone.

But I do have mental health issues. Mid late in life diagnosed non aggressive/non violent mental health issues (I can be mean at times, with words, when provoked, but on the defense and I don’t engage in every argument that I’m invited to, either).

I’ve been honest since my first blog on here, on how in both medical and mental health  crisis, I did try to get help, when I could see that I was heartbreakingly, humiliating and so unintentionally subjecting my children due to neglect and the price my children, family and I paid, as a result, of getting no where when trying to access safety nets that are supposed to prevent things that happened to my family, from happening.

I talk about it, so what my children, who are doing great while not because of me, but not despite me, either, so that it doesn’t happen to other families who fell through the cracks, like we did, as I love my children more than anything and anyone, and I wish every day for the last decade I could change what happened, but I can’t.

And it has saved other people’s lives by going public with my medical and mental health issues.

I’m NOT saying that to be self serving.

I get that the abnormality of my life, in not having responsibilities like most people my age, is shocking, what led to that is shocking, but I have tried, so  that we didn’t go through all of that in vain, for those who’ve experienced similar medical and mental health crises, falling through the cracks that are in the system, and with no social support.

The danger though that I fear, is when people, who are so shocked and saddened by such a horrifying tragedy that leads to multiple deaths due to shootings, in a home or a school DO NOT take the time to differentiate the difference between those with diagnosed mental heath conditions that would make them NO MORE LIKELY OR AT RISK to commit any kind of acts of violence, let alone depraved, cowardly, hateful and horrific premeditated mass murders or any kind of depraved inhumane acts of violence.

As much inroads that have been made, to try to destigmatize mental illness, it can be lost in the wake of these horrifying tragedies, but not knowing the difference, can also lead to loss of life and loss of freedom, in people who could and would NEVER ever commit any kind of crime, let alone an act  of violence.

I’m 48 years old. I’ve never seen a gun up close nor touched one. I would never own one. I believe strongly in gun reform initiatives, NOW.

I just believe that an honest and open dialogue about de-stigmatizing mental health, while it wouldn’t have made much of a difference as it applied to someone who heinously planned to execute as many people as possible, with an assault rifle, like in the massacre that happened yesterday,  he should’ve NEVER been cleared to get, regardless of backround checks which no civilian needs an assault rifle or other similar firearms in that category , nor was that thought of when our forefathers over  240 years ago, gave the people,  a constitutional right to bear arms.

But it is possible,  that a non judgemental open extensive and inclusive dialogue about mental health, could’ve made a difference, in the mother with postpartum psychosis who cared enough about people at one time, to do the good she did, but she and her family paid the ultimate price in the stigma that surrounds mental health, especially as it applies to mothers, with mental health issues, whether they know they have them or not.

We won’t know, but I don’t think we’ve tried to remove that kind of stigma, hard enough, openly and honestly, in hopes of those in need being able to get help or for others to recognize warning signs to possibly help prevent those kind of tragedies.

I’ve done the best I can, not ever knowing the grief that too many people have now had to bear due to senseless gun violence. It’s something that more people will die, just as senselessly, if action isn’t taken, immediately.

Gun reform, has to happen, NOW.

But it’s disheartening to see, because of the grief and terror these tragedies can cause that we don’t lose sight, that other weapons or items that are utilized other than guns, can be cause of mass casualties in civilians, if we don’t have the important dialogue about mental health and appropriate initiatives in place to monitor, evaluate, treat and prevent if possible, from mass casualties happening, in those who are diagnosed and those who are NOT, without honest open dialogue on mental health and mental illness in respect to guns and gun control, but with any kind of weapon or means that can cause mass fatalities by someone who’s mentally ill AND violent, or those who snap, and has no respect for the sanctity of human life.

At a minimum, BOTH, if not MORE  initiatives have to happen NOW.

This doesn’t have to be an either or situation. You can rightfully and respectfully demand gun control initiatives NOW, but also demand the conversations and initiatives that need to be in place, to monitor, evaluate, treat/rehabilitate and/or prevent these horrific mass casualties from happening over and over again, regardless of weapon of choice.

As well as initiatives that comprehensively support the loved ones who are lost or injured when tragedies like this take place.

Note: I am open to constructive dialogue. I purposely stay away most of the time, from social media, for many reasons, which doesn’t make me any better or any worse than anyone else.

Point I’m trying to make, requiring and/or a respectful dialogue and demand of action, is constructive.

The epic fights that tend to happen almost over everything, but especially in a topic of this importance, doesn’t help anyone. You can maintain a stance of agreeing to respectfully disagree and or show apathy, if you don’t agree with someone’s point of view (that’s rational)  and or just not engage with those of not of like minded as oneself.

Trying to fight horrific violence with vitriolic verbiage in sound bites on multiple social media platforms,  may not lead to violence, but it hampers from people uniting as quickly as we need to be,  to get what needs to be done to prevent these horrific tragedies, even though they aren’t to blame for them, OK?

Just please try to remember the commonality of purpose, which is to save lives, could be done more expediently, without the squabbling if not hateful rhetoric on multiple sides that occurs both on and off social media and due to politics.

And this may not mean much, but as a disabled activist, because I cannot blog about this topic anymore, where it would be constructive, I can get away in some cases with saying things that other people can’t, without consequence.

So for those of you, who while may believe in due process, I’m still glad prematurely, that Florida has the death penalty.

It just makes me sad, that should the killer who I don’t want to name or talk about, after today, should he get that, will possibly die more humanely, than the innocent people he slaughtered, horrifically physically and emotionally harmed yesterday and that makes me a tiny bit sad, and slightly hypocritical, as it applies to his evil waste of life,but I can live with myself, in the respect of my  NOT  having ANY empathy for mass murderers, rapists and pedophiles. I have a lot a of empathy for lots of populations of people, just not those people, but I think their histories bear importance, if there’s any chance in them not being repeated, but only to an extent where it serves the greater good of people.

Please keep comments if you should have any, constructive. Thanks…

And one last thing, I know this was really wordy, but this isn’t something that can be discussed in a sound bite. I happened to not catch others making similar observations like I have, that could help, if you know of those who have, but done so, more concisely, please let me know. Thanks.

Peace….

An open letter to the ENTIRE world, regarding mass shootings…

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Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically trained professional in medical, mental health, law enforcement and public safety, I’m an activist, and “armchair” one, at that.
IF, anyone you know or suspect is in crisis and is capable of hurting themselves or others, PLEASE contact 911, immediately and/or for my out of the country readers, emergency services, in your country.

And NO, I don’t expect the whole entire world to read what I say. I put things out in the universe in hopes that it helps people and if it does, then, I’ve fufilled my intention and purpose.

I honestly thought that one of my biggest fears was personally, to go viral.

I’m a flawed reclusive activist on a GOOD day.

On a bad day, I’m a quiet multi-complex disabled chick, who spends a lot of time at home, alone.

But now,  my second to  biggest fear, is truthfully people becoming used to massacres, that they become apathetic, because they default to that, because they can’t sustain how scary they are.

My first biggest fear, is NOW that we are going to be nation that has daily massacres and instead of TRYING to come together on solutions that might help prevent these tragedies over and over again, people are going to argue to no frutiful purpose of who’s more right, while more people continue to DIE.

I personally think that to trying to help  prevent these tragedies requires multiple things being discussed without demonization or stigmatization:

Mental Health:  As it applies to whether people are “snapping” or have a violent history, of how to handle feelings of rage and rejection. And to talk about open and honestly what is abnormal about human behaviors that can lead to deaths and what is needed for prevention and potential rehabilitation before people act in a violent manner, if that’s possible.

Gun Control: Yes, I do believe it’s part of the equation, I’ve never NOT believed in gun control. The only reason why I don’t say more, truthfully, is because as an activist, I fear the day when someone uses a bomb to kill multiple people, such as acts like 9/11 and Oklahoma City Bombing in 1995 and that becoming more common place, instead of guns. So I subscribe personally, to finding people who kill, more terrifying,  than their weapon/s of choice.

But I honestly believe, we have to learn how to listen to other people and learn how to agree to disagree, peacefully.

Because , if normally people who are considered mild mannered individuals can’t learn how to do that, we can’t expect people who are in crisis, to do so.

We may NOT ever have a prayer of teaching people in crisis, with a propensity to be violent, of a better way, but it doesn’t even seem like that we are even trying to do so, in an honest non judgemental way without stigma, that can hopefully help people before they end up killing someone or a lot of people.

Every situation that could be potentially volatile and/or fatal to someone, needs it’s own unique perspective on what’s the best course of action, other than what I’ve said before and that is, NOT giving people who commit these crimes, any attention, once they’re  captured, as I do believe there is a social media component that comes into play, that wasn’t around before the digital era to these horrific massacres.

So I’m starting a conversation, that I hope others who are way more qualified than I am, will join in, in hopes for prevention of loss of life and for healing for the survivors of these tragedies.

Peace….

#HimToo

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Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I’m an activist not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor am I, in any way, a credentialed law enforcement or public safety expert.

If someone is in crisis and in danger of hurting themselves or others, please seek immediate professional help or call 911.

File this blog under the 1,653,219th thing I’d rather not be talking about.

Problem is, no one else is, and the issue at hand, NEEDS stigma removed and to be discussed publicly with no stigma.

I’m in NO WAY discounting the progress that the #MeToo movement.

But it’s missing a a segment and/or population of people.

There’s what, over 3 billion women on the planet, right?

Where are the stories of men who been assaulted, abused and harassed by women?

Or women who’ve been assaulted, abused and harassed by another woman?

While it may cause a blip in the news of a female teacher assaulting (cause it’s assault if someone’s not the age of consent and if that standard applies to a male teacher with a female victim) other than Mary Kay Letourneau, who can name another female who’s been all over the news for what they did and the consequences they faced?

And if you pardon the REALLY bad pun, if Mary Kay was actually a “Mark”,  he would be vilified and there would be NO story post prison time or shock and horror that a male assailant married his female victim.

Again, I’m in no way saying that momentum that #MeToo has made,  is hindering anything, but there’s a hypocrisy and stigma that’s still in place for some bizarre reason that we aren’t talking about male and female victims of female predators, more.

If at all.

And there is a hypocrisy in place, for example, with certain female celebrities, where they say stuff about men, that if that came out of a famous man’s mouth, they would be tried and convicted in the court of social media, with major damage to their reputations at a bare minimum or their careers would be over and it isn’t the same for females who do the equivalent of that.

It doesn’t hinder in any way, of just saying, all victims have a right to have their stories told, regardless of the gender and/or sexual identification of the assailant.

We can’t have a certain set of standards for young boys and men, that aren’t the same for young girls and women, to follow.

Because it’s not fair and it’s horribly hurtful to discount, if not diminish a person’s story because we don’t want to think that women in some cases are not the victims in these cases, but they actually are the  perpetrators.

#MeToo has to be inclusive of every victim of sexual assault, abuse and harassment, for it to maximize its potential to prevent assault, abuse and harassment, and for those who are victims, to be able to heal.

Note: I’m open to constructive criticism or dialogue, I’m not open for nasty comments. I get that I’m a “unique” kind of advocate, as well as a mother. I make no apologies as far as my being a mother, of saying and believing , if I’m going to have a certain standard for how you treat my daughter, that same standard also better be applied to how you treat my son.

So if you don’t have anything kind or constructive to say, please don’t say anything at all…

When one’s peace of mind goes up in smoke, like literally…

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“The task of this activist is to bring attention to the fragility of human beings and their behavior that can cause harm, to try and to center consciousness about it, for prevention and healing” -Me 2-9-2018

Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically or credentialed professional in matters of medical, mental health, law enforcement and public safety.

If you or someone else, is at risk for engaging in behaviors that could hurt oneself or another, please seek immediate treatment by a professional or call 911.

Dammit!!!

I don’t feel very good (I never do) but really hadn’t planned on blogging today. The need for the blog that I wrote yesterday, about domestic murder/suicide, took a lot out of me, when I already was feeling poorly, physically.

It doesn’t help that I feel the need, as someone who has diagnosed mental health issues, that if someone asks me how I am, that if I’m not feeling good or if I’m upset about something, I have to qualify that, by saying “well I don’t feel the greatest, so while I’m not feeling okay, I AM stable and not a danger to others” or something like that.

But as much as I resent that personally, given how people are snapping, I get why it’s necessary, to ask the question and that’s why this blog is being written.

I was watching the local news though, this morning, and happened to catch a story about a fire that happened in apartment complex about a 1/4 mile where I used to live with my son from 1997 to 2002, in Plymouth, MN, which is a nice suburb of Minneapolis and I spent most of my adult life living in multiple dwelling units (this WILL have relevance of the point I’m trying to make, as an activist) and that a man died, and the building was damaged, but other than one other person being seriously injured, who was in that unit where the fire originated, others got out safely.

HOWEVER…

The man who did end up dying in the fire, started a fire on purpose.

I can’t follow everything that happens in the news, if I’ve though managed to catch in just Hennepin County (where Plymouth and the city of Minneapolis, which I currently reside in) ALL the attempts where arson was used to hurt someone, whether it be themselves or others.

I wrote a blog a few months ago, about a man who tried to set a building on fire, because he wanted to kill everyone in that apartment building and someone innocently died, as a result of his attempt to flee, when jumping out of his window to escape.

I also wrote a blog, a few days ago, about a fire that happened on my birthday in December of 2017, in my own my apartment building, when a neighbor who lived 2 floors directly above me, when a lady got mad at her boyfriend and set his hoodie (that he was wearing) on fire. While that unit got damaged due to fire, smoke and water, so did other units in my building, including my own, had water damage from the sprinkler system, as well as other parts of my building, but no one was hurt.

I pulled that blog about the fire in my building, because truthfully, I was afraid of giving the wrong impression, that people would be under the belief, that all  people in need of affordable and/or low income housing are NOT stable, and it wasn’t an impression that I wanted to give, as an activist for affordable housing and the homeless, as well as someone who benefits from affordable housing.

As well as I know that’s not true, that people can be in need of affordable housing and be great tenants, which there are many, in my apartment building, as well as other affordable housing, not just locally but nationally.

The reason I felt compelled to write this blog is complex and multi-fold.

We live in a society that now  fears those who are diagnosed with mental health issues but we aren’t equipped to handle the devastating consequences to human life and property for those who aren’t diagnosed and are just appear to be “snapping”.

And it just seems people, because of when bad scary things happen, try to pretend it isn’t happening or it won’t happen again and/or it won’t happen to them, it gives them a false sense of security, that really no one can benefit from and it can result in fatalities and extensive damage and/or loss to property, in these cases, it’s people’s HOMES, as well as their LIVES, that I’m talking about, here.

That’s why having an non judgmental dialogue on mental health,  where in these instances, people can SUDDENLY become violent or act in a manner that hurts others, has no boundaries, within respect to socio-economics, gender, race, political and religious beliefs, is is vitally necessary and so important, right now.

I remember when I lived in Plymouth and my son was in Cub Scouts of touring the Plymouth Fire Department, as well as the Plymouth Police Department. And how grateful I was to live in a nice city, with caring first responders (which I still feel the same way about first responders, a million times more though, now that I live in Downtown Minneapolis)

Why I can’t do things like that anymore, for my kids, is one of the reasons why I blog, in hopes that helps other people, as while what we went through with my own disabilities, as humiliating as it is for me, and it had out repercussions for everyone I love the most, it wasn’t violent and all of us are around to still  talk about.

But I think of people who have devastating outcomes due to other’s mental health issues that can’t or won’t talk about it.

So what I’m trying to accomplish, as an activist, is to start a conversation for those who are in danger of hurting  themselves and/or  others and URGING  them to get HELP. That using arson, as means of suicide and or a domestic murder/suicide, has multiple victims and the potential for multiple fatalities, that there isn’t anything noble about using arson and that people, even if mentally compromised, they should know there is help out there before they do that.

I’m also trying to start a dialogue or tell people who’ve had to live through an intentionally set fire, that hopefully working with your landlord, can help start initiatives in your communities, so you don’t have to go through this again.

As well as I’m trying to start a dialogue about unintentional but potential murder/suicides that could’ve happened, in the fire that happened last night.

As well as to tell survivors and or family, friends and people who experiences this, that they aren’t alone. There is support, as well as it can be empowering to share your stories, that by doing that can be life changing and life saving for others, as well as for oneself, which is what I’ve experienced, since becoming an activist and blogger.

We have to start somewhere though, in dispelling stigma, so that people when they can’t speak for themselves, have ingrained in them, to not act in a manner that is not only harmful to them, but has irrevocable horrible consequences on so many people and so many resources.

Humans aren’t infallible, I’m certainly not, no one else is, though.

Talking about this in a constructive open way, where something is gained, hopefully in initiatives and support can only help people and reduce the chances of this happening over and over again.

Note: I’m open to constructive feedback. Please, no negative comments. Thanks.

Just HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE are going to have to die, this way???

 

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Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically and/or credentially trained professional in medical or mental health or in law enforcement.

IF someone you know, is in crisis, please seek immediate help right away, by contacting 911.

I just managed to catch an article on People.com, a few minutes ago.

Sadly, a young mother, who volunteered in her church, who had a Masters in Social Work, was shot to death on Friday, in St. Louis.

Well, let me elaborate more on this, the little information that’s out there.

She shot herself to death, after shooting to death, her husband and 3 month old baby, in a horrific tragedy that’s being blamed on her having postpartum depression.

But before I go any further, and again, I’m NOT a clinically trained professional of any kind, there needs to be a clarification between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis, which I’d think her circumstances, would fall in line with  the latter that gets less attention, due to stigma, as far as the sufferers getting help for it.

There’s no laying blame in the shooter in this horrific tragedy, in this blog.

Other than, that there are so many domestic murder/suicides, I just don’t know why there isn’t more initiatives in place for rehabilitation and prevention.

This is a horrific topic that I’m sure my readers are sick of me, blogging about.

But sadly, it’s something that I can’t NOT keep talking about, NOR can any of us become numb or apathetic, just because we might not know anyone who’s died from a domestic homicide/suicide.

YET.

However, at the rate these horrific tragedies are occuring, they’re going to become more common, until major initiatives for prevention, evaluation and rehabilitation are in place.

It won’t stop until the stigma is removed and people can get help, without worrying about legal consequences, should they seek help, before they hurt someone else.

This is something we can’t wait any longer to have a national, if not global dialogue about and more initiatives in place.

Because this isn’t getting better, due to the deep stigmatization that’s in place, for parents who murder their children, regardless of gender, such as in this case and in other cases.

While it’s always a horrific tragedy, it’s even more so, when people who seem to have resources to get help, can’t do so, because of the stigma or because they are so mentally impaired, that they at least in this case, where I’m going to hypothesize, even while I’m only a non clinically trained activist, sometimes in drastic cases, such as this one, I’m thinking they might temporarily lose all touch with reality, with permanent, irrevocable and catastrophic outcomes, such as in this case, with someone who DID have a formal education on how to help people in crisis, but was incapable of helping herself, let alone those who she may have loved the most, but then committed such a horrific tragedy.

IF,  I had the means, which unfortunately, I don’t, as a disabled activist, I’d start a major initiative, in hopes of trying to  prevent these horrific tragedies from happening over and over again.

BUT, I AM capable of starting an urgently needed dialogue, that can hopefully result in more  initiatives being created,  to try and reduce this from happening, almost now on a daily basis.

http://www.psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/
(parental depression hotline can be found in above link)

Note: PLEASE, I don’t mention NOT having a discussion on gun control, NOT  because I don’t believe in it, because I DO. The problem is, especially in this case, the woman who committed the murder/suicide, not only was she a vital and well regarded part of her community, and while in this circumstances, there isn’t a lot of information, yet available, about this horrific tragedy, from the way it looks, she could’ve passed the most stringent backround checks, not just for a firearm, but for a lot of things.

Not to mention in the last year, children and spouses/significant others have died from being thrown into rivers and set on fire, that’s why I’m highlighting the murders versus the means that children and adults have been killed by those who are supposed to love them.

I hope as a I said before, that the variety of reasons that play into domestic homicide and suicides do vary. In this case, I do think that for all the education that’s out there for new mothers, before a baby is born and after, that this NOW needs to be discussed without stigma.

Whether it be in society, prenatal classes, postnatal education both online and in offline venues, such as hospitals (postnatally or doctor’s offices)  and other places for education for parents of babies and children.

I mean people have to have a license to drive a car and are educated and evaluated for that, but there’s no extensive education required (but it’s out there, but just not in the capacity for parents in crisis, like it should be) to have a child, I’m not saying this judgmentally, just saying, we need more resources in place to protect both innocent children and people of all ages from emotional and physical harm, as well as death.

So that’s why, even with my normal disclaimers in place, it wouldn’t make a difference in this particular horrific and heartbreaking tragedy and that’s why I’m urging dialogues and initiatives.

Because it will save lives.

(additional/editorial note: I could’ve been clearer, websites and hotlines contained in both above and in body of this blog, in addition to being potentially helpful for those IN crisis, it could also help for OTHERS  to recognize warning signs before (even though sadly, sometimes they’re not there) and/or get help, after,  should tragedy strike.

I apologize for not being clearer)

PLEASE , if you don’t have anything constructive to say, don’t comment. I welcome constructive feedback or if people know of more resources that are out there, to notify me, privately or in the comment section of this blog.

“Perspective is in the eye, experiences and the mind of the beholder”…

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(no copyright infringement intended with above image which I don’t own)

Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: This blog is INTENDED to do activism for causes I care about and with no intention to harm or offend anyone, that I might not agree without what they say or how they go about doing something.

That being said, while some of today’s events, necessitate my saying this, my opinions are my own and aren’t of any organization or entity that I do activism for.

No profanity and this shouldn’t be very long.

Sigh…

It’s cold out. And while I can say, hey, as a complex disabled activist, that I don’t feel good and I’m exhausted from the sensory overload that living so close to the Super Bowl that’s now over and other than needing some major traffic control, in my neighborhood hopefully people will get to their destinations, safely, I’m grateful of what’s good in my life and fully aware of my privileges.

What made the news both locally and nationally, that I know of, was that certain groups decided several weeks ago, at least to protest the Super Bowl for different reasons.

I could and would NEVER tell any group of people, that their voices should NOT be heard.

Especially, in where I’m not a minority, I could never do any kind of activism that would do oppression, exploitation and brutality of another, properly like they are doing.

And I’m glad that they are making their voices heard.

I will say this and this is someone who had more of an issue personally, due to my own disability sets, of not being thrilled about the Super Bowl, that it wasn’t my place to judge those who love it and/or could afford to go to it.

I could see that that courage and perspective, depends on what side you can be of an issue and the need to make a point.

The problem with bigoty and bias, is enormous, still, I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, because it does.

Minneapolis is a sanctuary city. We have a Mayor, City Council and Chief of Police, who care enormously about oppression, bigotry and making sure that Minneapolis stays and grows even more into a thriving, safe and vital place for all it’s residents, employees and visitors.

I could say as an “armchair” activist, that I DO enormously care about homelessness issues, and I do volunteer work for it, as well as try to bring attention to the cause, locally.

I also know because I do that, lots of rich of people are to the credit of why affordable housing, gets built and remains funded, not just by tax dollars, but because of their donations.

But NO ONE can say that. Because I made a brief comment about being upset that the protest shut down a major intersection so close to the hospital, earlier this evening right in front of my building and was concerned for any patients needing access to HCMC.

And got accused of being a racist by a social media peer.

The protest that went on in Minneapolis this afternoon and this evening, ended up after it got dark, right in front of my apartment building. It shut down a road, that first responders need access to, to get to the local 1 trauma center/county hospital, that’s 2 blocks behind me.

Taking a stand against people who happened to afford to go to the Super Bowl, but had to take the light rail, probably didn’t change their mind for the better, when it came to the issues that the activists were rallying against.

It didn’t effect those who were super rich who could take limos to the stadium and the parties that are so close to where I live, nor do I feel those people should be punished, because they are wealthy.

I can say I can see others perspectives and try to understand them, even though I will NEVER know of their adversity and admire their courage.

But I also admire the courage of our Minneapolis first responders, police, firefighters, EMTs and 911 operators and have enormous gratitude for them, too.

It’s NOT  an either/or situation.

I don’t think it’s a conflict of interest, nor am I being unempathetic, racist or elitist (I’m a poor disabled activist)  to try and point out though, if people aren’t empathetic to your cause, they aren’t going to be, when you try to inflict duress to try to gain empathy to one’s cause, that it probably won’t advance it.

It will make others resent it, I don’t think anyone who’s prone to not having empathy, can get shamed or inconvenienced into thinking any  differently.

And I think it can be perceived by them, that if you can’t respect who they are, they might, even as misguided on their part, not to try to understand the oppressed and disadvantaged, when it appears that hypocrisy is in place, as it’s not being done with a dialogue on different sides trying hard to see the other’s perspective in a constructive way.

To me and again, I get where I have some privilege, such as in color, I won’t ever know of the daily bigotry and bias that other’s suffer. But to try and punish indiscriminately others, to me, just doesn’t makes sense and makes me sad, because I want to advance those causes, not diminish them.

I don’t sugarcoat things, I am incapable of that.

I’m also incapable of saying silent, when I could see that it’s a good thing that no one was harmed, in a protest, that used up valuable resources, because it’s intention was to interrupt some percieved slight of people, were all they were doing , was  attending an event that gets global recognition.

So I will say this, from my perspective. I wish the protest would have just been contained in one area.

Not in many areas of Downtown Minneapolis, where it had to burden first responders in any way. Prevent poor employed people, from possibly getting to work among other issues, but I’m glad no one was hurt.

Not where it could make anyone who was inconvenienced, such as Super Bowl attendees who took light rail transit, who where it might not be known, how much or how little they feel about those who are at risk, oppressed and disadvantaged and how much or how little they do about it.

Saying this doesn’t make me a bias, bigoted, unempathetic and uninformed jerk.

To either those who are oppressed and/or disadvantaged who I do care about and strongly believe in their voices, care deeply about their suffering, even if I can respectfully disagree in their actions, because of the reasons, I above state.

Nor, do I feel bad to  say positively or supportively, for those who have the means and desire to attend expensive events, make them out as  bad people, because it DOES NOT, just because they either were born with having more advantages or they worked in a way that was advantageous to them, financially.

And bringing up that “52” managed to raise a LOT of money for charities for people in need. Including the homeless and the hungry.

Peace to all.

Note: Blog published while still 2-4-2018 in Minneapolis, MN.

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