It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

#Misandry is always UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Oh no, SHE didn’t!!!

Unfortunately, OH YES SHE DID!!!

I’m talking about celebrity Miley Cyrus, who I normally like and respect  as an artist and activist, went on an androphobic rant that could have potential setbacks for the LGBTQIA community, which that I won’t even address that, in this blog.

SO, I’ll just stick to the misandry and potential androphobic comments she made on social media this last weekend, on Instagram.

Actually, those comments weren’t potentially androphobic they were full of her own misandry issues and  ANDROPHOBIC!!!

It’s not my place to analyze  of WHY she would say what she did about men, on such a broad damning spectrum.

However, it IS my place, to call it out, when someone has that amount of influence, although it would be wrong even if someone had NO influence, when it  can be so harmful and wrong to any population of people, with what they say.

And it’s even worse, in our society today, where in case of  bias against men, it’s still repulsively so acceptable to do that to a man, just because they’re a man.

I’ve said in past blogs, that it’s not okay to hold all men accountable, for the repugnant behavior of some of them.

As women rape and assault  other women, as well as men, kill and emotionally and physically abuse, too.

I learned this a long time ago, when learning fully to accept LGTBQIA issues and rights, in my very  early 20’s, even though I never hated gay people or gay issues, I just had trouble understanding them.

I used to do volunteer work in a battered women’s shelter as a crisis phone line operator, which gave some time, to talk to some of the residents.

I remember one time there was a resident there, who was explaining her history, that she had been raped multiple times  from the time she was a young child to her late teens by her biological father and she got pregnant.

She wasn’t in that shelter though because of the rapist dad, she was in there because her female partner battered her.

My initial thought, being so naive at 20, was sadness that in that case, thinking how she could possibly trust anyone, with so much trauma, going forward for her.

Then I realized , hopefully she could find someone eventually, male or female to trust.

Trauma can be caused by anyone of any gender, race, religion, weight, political affiliation and of any age to anyone, depending on who they are dealing with.

It’s NOT being misogynist by point that out, that it should be completely unacceptable, to demonize any population of people.


I can’t believe in late 2019, that I, a disabled reclusive activist, has to point out that if it’s NOT okay to gender bash women (which it definitely isn’t ), it’s most certainly NOT okay, to gender bash, perpetuate dangerous myths and hate on men, just because they are men!!!

Note: Comments that aren’t constructive, will NOT be posted…


Why private businesses should NOT opt-in to providing restrooms to the general public in #DowntownMinneapolis…

Well, the city isn’t just asking Downtown Minneapolis businesses but all Minneapolis based businesses to let the public and/or non paying customers to use their bathrooms.

And it’s a TERRIBLE idea…

Having a place to doing bathroom business and it being scarce isn’t something new.

I remember this being an issue 35 years ago, when as a teen I’d take the bus and come to Downtown Minneapolis to go to Dayton’s, the Skyway, City Center being in awe of the city, growing up in the northwestern suburbs. But knowing then, of what very few places you could go to the bathroom, once you got to downtown.

As a poor disabled person who wasn’t always that way, as someone who currently does activism for the disabled and homeless, I can’t be on board with businesses such as restaurants or any private business, that I frequent in Minneapolis, letting the public access restrooms, at this point.

The reason why is it’s a public safety hazard potentially to customers and the businesses  who put money in the city’s economy.

Customers don’t need that as a hassle when they arrive to their final destination whether it be a shop, restaurant, or any kind of business.

And businesses don’t need that as a potential deterrent and additional expense.

As others have chimed in, the City of Minneapolis and/or the DID can provide port-a -potties (which mark my words, won’t be just used for the reasons, provided) like they are now planning and see how much that improves reduction of frequency of public excrement.

It’s easier to just to try and stop this from even starting, then to to start it and stop this initiative, as far as trying to guilt businesses, where a majority of them do something to help people who are less fortunate.

I get that quite a few may not care or worry about getting asked for money, (or it doesn’t happen often, to some) if not sex and drugs on site, at your destination in Minneapolis.

I though, CARE a lot. I don’t like being harassed for all that stuff, either by myself or on  occasion when with another, when going somewhere Downtown or anywhere else in Minneapolis, and it happens all the time.

I’d especially hate it and  thinking others might too, if you make an effort to go somewhere, whether or not you pay for parking and arrive at that destination, of having to worry about at a place, of potentially being harassed there, too.

And the chances of you getting harassed for money, sex or drugs is a lot higher than you witnessing a public excrement by someone, although I’ve seen evidence, multiple times and multiple places, since I’ve moved to Downtown Minneapolis, even where there was close access to a public bathroom.

So, if you feel the way I do, this blog is for YOU…

And if you can’t relate to any of this, more power to ya.

Note: Anything that isn’t constructive will NOT be published…

In defense of #HCMC ‘s Ketamine study and possibly protocol for potentially violent and violent patients…

Workplace Violence in Healthcare: What Does the Data Say?

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: My normal disclaimers do NOT apply as far as my NOT being a  clinically trained medical and mental health professional or NOT being trained in law enforcement and/or public safety, as this blog addresses the safety threats to first responders and healthcare professionals locally, but this is a dialogue that above study  in first link, that addresses on a national level, the threat that healthcare workers are up against with patients who are ALREADY in an acute facility for evaluation and treatment when in mental  and/or medical crisis or combination there of or that first responders are potentially in danger, when responding to a crisis call.

I have in NUMEROUS blogs, advocated for patients rights, in this case though, as in a few other blogs that I’ve written, the patients that I’m advocating for ARE the first responders and healthcare providers that are in danger when verbal de-escalation techniques may not be the most effective, which can not only jeopardize a patient in who is in medical and mental health crisis, but the first responders and healthcare providers who are trying to stabilize them.

There are already local and national activists who advocate for verbal de-escalation, I don’t agree and I think someone who isn’t a peer as a first responder or healthcare worker needs to advocate for safety of people who work in these professions.

If this is a topic as a patient, that could be triggering, please do not read.


About 8 months ago, I blogged about a less than ideal encounter at Hennepin Healthcare’s emergency department, from the perspective of a patient, where I felt that I had been unfairly labeled and was also given prescription high strength ibuprofen that I never filled, as a patient who had a gastrointestinal bleed history and NSAIDs are an AWFUL treatment option for me.

The rare 4 times I’ve been in the emergency department at that facility and ONLY at that facility in the last 5 years in their emergency department as a patient, truthfully before seeing above 2nd link or similar stories last year , when either in the waiting room or when roomed and waiting for care, truthfully, I had wondered why some very aggressive patients wandering around had NOT been sedated.

Not just for patient safety sake, both the patient themselves who were acting out and other potentially non violent sick patients who were being treated but for physicians, nurses, other hospital staff, as well as there is police and/or Hennepin County sheriffs at this facility.

I’ve also blogged several months ago about a nurse who was violently assaulted at Anoka Metro Regional Treatment Center and also  when 3 1/2 months ago a man who was under the influence of illegal substances had made a terroristic threat against my apartment building about blowing it up and also mentioned about wanting to kill me when he first saw me.

This is how I personally de-escalate situations when being harassed for money, sex and drugs.

I look the person in the eye, tell them I’m sorry that I can’t help them but that I don’t have any money, that I wish I had drugs but that I’m on probation and get drug tested (not true and all I’ll add to that, is my medication list is up to date at both FUMC and HCMC online resources as well as in my DNR/emergency  info in my phone) and depending on how agitated or aggressive they are, I’ll give them a cigarette and wish them well and go on my way.

OBVIOUSLY, clearly that’s a technique that NO first responder or any physician or nurse working with an unstable patient can actually  do.

I’m not the medical or mental whisperer, I realize that part of the reason, even dealing with extremely unstable people with a propensity to be violent, on a regular basis, is largely due to luck.

The big deal with Ketamine issue at HCMC was informed consent and some of the consequences with some of the patients needing to be intubated, afterwards.

The problem is that no one could say with absolute certainty that the patient would’ve been better off, the patients around them, the hospital staff and the first responders had they not been given Ketamine.

I clearly have a bias…

But the thing is, it’s not the hospital staff that if I have a patient encounter that I am not thrilled with the evaluation and treatment that scares me.

It’s the patients who are aggressive and agitated who pose a threat to staff and patients who aren’t sedated who scare me at HCMC, which I live 2 blocks away from and truthfully at  any hospital.

And those potential patients who are roaming in Minneapolis and St. Paul who are in crisis of some sort, who also I find terrifying.

I really have to wonder if those advocating on non medication interventions have ever been a patient, visitor or volunteer  at HCMC’s emergency department.

And in my case, I can just choose not to get treatment there, any longer, now that I have a DNR and just wait for my biannual medical visits with my longterm PCP of over 20 years in Princeton, a much smaller town, outside of the Twin Cities.

However HCMC’s  first responders, entire hospital staff and patients in medical crisis who don’t have a predisposition to ever be violent and either need a level 1 trauma center or hospital closest to them, don’t have that as an option, to opt out.

This is a topic that needs more discussion, when patients in crisis, who are potentially a threat to themselves, really can’t give informed consent and are potentially a threat to first responders, healthcare workers and innocent others, and the injury risks and rates HAVE to be reduced, if they can’t be eliminated, for healthcare workers.

Note:  Again, I welcome respectful differences of opinion, even if they are opposing. Anything that threatens the welfare of myself or any of my readers will be reported to the proper authorities.

“boiling it down” to who and what ya can do the most good for…

Important Disclaimers: I caught this earlier on You Tube this morning, which I love the channel and it’s content, which is important to say.

As well as why I was watching it, which was to distract myself to not have to write my last blog,  which it kind of forced me into saying what I did and why.

I’m only posting this blog, as a topic of respectful debate, at best.

As it’s a restaurant/workshop meant to do good.

BUT, by the nature of it being exclusionary, not on purpose, I think warrants a respectful discussion.

As always, because this blog DOES touch upon medical and mental health activism, that for those in medical and/or mental health crisis of some kind, need to get immediate in person help from appropriate in person facilities and specialists.



I’m not hating upon above video, again as said in my disclaimer, I love the channel and their content.

And in this particular video, it highlights a suicide prevention initiative with food.

But I did take issue with it, as an activist and made a thoughtful comment not to hate, but to start a discussion, if not on You Tube, then here.

The video if one chooses not to watch it, is about it a Boston based restaurant, who’s owner wanted to use food in a way, that positively impacts people, not only with their aspirations, but also when it comes to those who’s depression that could be fatal to them.

This is the issue I have with it, as I watch a bit of food related videos, to decompress or as distraction and I’m definitely  not used to videos on this channel making me rush into writing an activism related blog.

I do not think that it is a good idea, for a lot of people to have a quantitative food specific goal as a stepping stone associated for important life goal setting and or depression eradicating purposes as seen in the video.

I could see why the initiative and restaurant would be inspiring to some, I just couldn’t understand how it’s kind of tone deaf and why it doesn’t appear to be that way, even as unintentional as it is, to others.

I don’t say this because I after everything I’ve done to lose weight, even with having bariatric surgery, could never do something like this and would never want to.

I’m a disabled introverted activist with a psychotic digestive system, that I can’t eat even 9 years status post gastric bypass reversal, an unspecified amount of food privately or publicly.

In my particular case, I have to eat what I can tolerate and stop when I feel satisfied, as full hurts.

I had to take whether or not a food would make me gain weight out of the equation for my medical and mental health.

As there are healthy foods I love that I can’t tolerate any longer and I’m not going to eat unhealthy foods that I don’t like, as a punishment of any kind and just try to  enjoy foods without qualifying them, the ones I like and can tolerate, for that reason.

I don’t eat anything that I don’t REALLY like at this point, I  eat one meal during the day in the 10 months, and one yogurt before bedtime (which is the only food I eat for health reasons and my digestive system HATES yogurt, but my taste buds like it, at this point, which always changes) which works for me, and I realize others have to find their own way that works for them.

I hope going forward there will be similar initiatives that are more inclusive, as my comment on video, even bariatric patients or vegans and people with religious beliefs that dictate how and what they eat, for example, bond over food in some way.

Just not at the restaurant featured, I’m guessing…

Anyways, if you want to start a respectful discussion, here you go.

If you don’t, that’s okay, too.

Doing something ONCE but the consequences lasting FOREVER…


(I wrote a poem on the eve of the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt and on the 5th anniversary of a death of a beloved icon. Cause I’m old school in the digital era, I typed the poem on my email vs. meme generators, then took a picture of it with my smartphone, uploaded it to my large android tablet with keyboard, cause I find most apps as well as smartphones to be that YUCKY, but that is how I am, my outlook with others, is you just do you, boo, OK? thanks/you’re welcome)

IMPORTANT Disclaimers: This blog is to achieve more of a personal something vs. activism goal. Given most of my activism is rooted in life and death medical and mental health issues and circumstances, I do take liberties personally when talking about my OWN mental health and medical issues that I wouldn’t with another.

If serious topics sometimes not taken so seriously that are wordy and with some profanity, are a trigger to anyone, please do not read this blog.

And as always, if you or someone you know is a danger to themselves or others, please contact in person emergency services in your area.

Anyhoo, let the whatever (not sure if this will be a somewhat serious blog, fun, mayhem, crazy, super wordy(looks like wordy, as I’m over 200 words in, in just my disclaimer) probably combination of, commence…


I guess this has to start somewhere, right?

And if you’re familiar with me, or my writing, ya know I digress.

A lot…

So anyhow I happened to be outside last Friday night (unusual for me, as I’m a recluse who spends 99% of time alone, in my apartment in the last 2 1/2 years) and this lady who happened to be helping my neighbor with something, on her way out, started a conversation with 2 of my neighbors and myself where we were watching construction (neverending, on my side of da Miniapple) at 9pm on a Friday night in front of our building.

Okay, I know she meant well.

She started out the conversation about keeping active and looking good for 52 and while my neighbors gave her a compliment, I didn’t. I didn’t want to explain why and say “you look good for any age” or give any thing away that could explain my former life at first.

When she asked us without verbatim of basically “how do people FUCKING end up in a really poor building in a really rich neighborhood???”, I just basically said I was a disabled non monetized blogger and my neighbors gave some version of their stuff.

I’ve gotten really good or really bad depending on how you look at it, at answering that question in the last 10 years.

If I wanted to keep guessing and on occasion when I get some form of that question, I could just say “x amount of years ago I was a size 2 Certified Personal Trainer” which I did end up saying to her is the reason why I blogged, before returning to my apartment last Friday night.

I don’t answer that way most of the time, even though the looks people give me, are nothing short of amazing, because it doesn’t do the life I had regardless of weight,  prior to 2008, absolutely any justice.

Especially the time of my life, that I was a working full time, proactive loving single mother of 2 children.

Which will always be the best time of my life, starting in 1992 when my only son was born, getting even better when his sister was born 10 1/2 years later and ENDING in August of 2008 when I gave up custody of  both of my children to my parents and tried to commit to suicide due to severe medical issues and mental health ones, 5 days later.

Today is the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt.

Which is in great detail in my very first blog on here, exactly 6 years ago.

Other than NOT dying, the consequences of my suicide attempt were pretty severe.

The same could be said of my gastric bypass and Mirena, my 2nd trial of Fentanyl, my 3rd trial of Topamax at different times after my gastric bypass reversal in 2010.

I’m not even going to mention all my other bizarre near death experiences outside of the realm of my control, prior to my gastric bypass in 2001, in this blog.

I started this blog for a few reasons.

Primarily, as I’ve said before, that what I went through and so unfortunately put those I love through, wasn’t in vain.

That topics that are stigmatized would be less so to help others, either in prevention of suffering or reducing it.

That my children had in my words, how much I love them, when my youngest who has no memory of my being a functional loving present mother and my oldest, who saw me at my best and worst, would have my words, if they ever needed them and I couldn’t articulate them any longer or when I’m no longer around.

But this is the mixed blessing of all of this, as 11 years later, I’m still reduced to only what I can SAY, to help others.

I’m not capable of doing the normal day to day stuff that other people do to SHOW others they love them.

I’ve said before, I don’t have a great life, even though I’m able to do some uncanny great things with these words I have.

I can help someone when they are suicidal because they have bariatric surgical regret and they want a gastric bypass reversal when it’s not medically indicated, on working through why it can’t help them.

I can help someone who NEEDS gastric bypass reversal to save their life, that they have to remain alive, if one of the fears they have is getting fat again after a reversal, for that to be an option.

I can help others who think those of us have bariatric surgery and think for those who advocate for it or against it (again I’m for it, a surgical intervention, like I am for opiates, when all other less invasive treatments have been exhausted) why people feel blessed and cursed, and for those of us who fall in the latter category, remind that bariatric surgery is supposed to enhance one’s life, not ruin it or take it away.

I don’t just stay in one lane when it comes to medical activism with bariatric surgery or with my “one and only” suicide attempt because I am much more than my own medical and mental health issues and so is everyone else and other’s health issues among many, such as cancer, need better treatment options, just like schizophrenia, does.

For someone who had to fight herself to die, 11 years ago and then had to fight so hard to stay alive less than 2 years later, I will be always be sad for what’s been really bad and grateful for what is good.

In my case I’m grateful I didn’t have a chance as not an attractive child to have preconceived notions of what my life would turn out being, I didn’t expect the extraordinary blessings and I couldn’t have in my worst nightmares think about what the bad stuff would look like.

And in the digital era that has served me well, to not want to hurt, be hurt to prepare for the unexpected, even though I will always fear it.

But this is my life and I’m more than the wordy gastric bypass reversed chick who nearly got committed for one and only suicide attempt and leads a small life that is peppered with some amazing things, circumstances and people and I’m committed to if I can’t help someone that I don’t hurt them.

Some people go their entire lives not knowing the damage they are capable of, or that they caused and/or they don’t care and while all humans hurt another, some do on a major scale without remorse.

I’m many things that I don’t particularly love, but am grateful that I’m NOT that.

And I’m not an evil coward. I help when I can and stay to myself otherwise, and that in my circumstances, has to be enough.

Even though it really isn’t.

How could it be???

But it is what it is….

Note: Anything that’s not constructive to me or anyone else, will be published.


A really important warning for those who exercise at an athletic level or strive to, in really hot weather that you can actually DIE from doing that….

(Picture of me, circa either 2004,2005 or 2006)

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical professional i.e. a physician. Nor am I a currently licensed as a Certified Personal Trainer like I was from 2005-2007.

When it comes to exercise at any time for any human being, should be cleared for exercise by a physician who treats you in person and it still could help when starting out to those who are professional athletes, to still get evaluated, supervised and advised by Certified Personal Trainers and/or Exercise Physiologists.

But the reason why I am writing this blog and why I think my opinion is still needed as a former trainer, will be clear, from a medical activist point of view. Thanks!!!


There is a lot of things I used to do, both cardio and strength training to get that above body, 15 years ago.

The one thing I did NOT do once I started working out at an athletic level both before and after getting my certification, as a personal trainer,  was work out outdoors during a heat wave.

It had NOTHING at the time to do with the fact I had already had gastric bypass complications and issues with really bad labs, super low blood pressure and reactive hypoglycemia and those pesky gastrointestinal bleeds, as the endorphin high alone, was worth my workouts.

It had everything to do with the fact, that I knew that in addition to having to worry about increased risk dehydration and heat stroke, I also knew that it could increase my risk for exercise induced hyponatremia, that I couldn’t necessarily self diagnose, even with formal training, when in that state.

And I wasn’t going to risk it.

It’s a whole new different world now and I can understand in the digital era and in times of influencers, the multitude of reasons why people stay pretty faithful to their fitness regimens, to keep up with their fitness goals.

What I don’t understand is why anyone has to do that in extreme weather, OUTSIDE, when professional athletes have died in camp workouts and during marathons during heat waves.

And a former NFL Super Bowl champion Mitch Petrus died last Thursday night due to heatstroke, after working during the day outside.

SO, this is why I am gently reminding people that it’s not safe to be super active, even for those who are athletic when it’s super hot out  and it could potentially be fatal.

But again, we are in a different era than when I was in my fitness heyday, that’s why I’m chiming in as someone’s who’s currently a fat former disabled activist who’s credentialing as a CPT lapsed more than 12 years ago.

We live in a digital society that people think it’s okay to shame people for being fatter or thinner than they should be in the digital era, where thousands of people at once, can be subjected to hatred on what they look like.

I didn’t want to write this blog, truthfully.

I am better suited to activism where in the case where heat stroke could be a threat to vulnerable people without a voice, need to hear about the warnings.

But the public, law enforcement and media is doing a good job informing them of that.

Unfortunately, I and no one else should think that there is privilege in a case where people are able to execute actions that could be fatal to them, regardless of where they fall on the socio-economic and fitness level spectrum.

And hyponatremia is just not talked about as much as it should be.

So hear/here is your warning, if you want or choose to start or maintain some kind of fitness goals for yourself and do that when it’s oppressively hot outside, actually outside, do what you need to do, but heed the disclaimers above, that it could be fatal to you, regardless of how physically fit one is.

OR find an air conditioned place to exercise in.

Certain signs that the body gives should be heeded when in distress.

Feeling nauseous, lightheaded, headache regardless of temperature should ALWAYS be a sign to stop a workout or any kind of activity outside regardless of temperature.

The issue where exercise induced hyponatremia gets tricky, is usually it happens in those who knows about the dangers of dehydration and heatstroke, when working out when it’s super hot outside, but don’t realize that being overly hydrated can cause EIH and it can have devastating consequences, such as cardiac, renal and neurological failure, if not death.

The chance of it happening to you?

Highly unlikely.

Probably the same or less as needing a gastric bypass reversal or injuring your rotator cuff on a “Baby Annie” when testing out to get a certification  ( one has to have a certification in CPR, before testing out for a certification as  personal trainer, and because as a parent, I just got recertified in CPR and First Aid for babies, children and adults in that era, as I had a young child in home ), both things which have happened to me.

That doesn’t mean it’s not worth a warning that it’s not necessary to work out when it’s super hot outside and that we need to discuss this more.

So that innocent people don’t die / aren’t catastrophically changed physically and cognitively, as this is completely preventable, as far as when and where to work out is concerned.

And I make no apologies for wanting and wishing that a lot of heavy duty marathons/intense exercise events weren’t in the middle of Summer.

There is no privilege in anyone, if they are dead!!!

So let’s at least have a conversation about it, ok?

Note: Anything that’s NOT constructive, will NOT be posted.

Also Note: You aren’t going to convince me that a special population of people, i.e. like people who are Obese who want to work out need to in any circumstances, like highlighted above, because their Obesity is more immediately urgent to rectify.

So, don’t go there, OK???




limited legacy…


Important Disclaimers: This blog will be combination of both personal and to achieve an activism goal. I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety.

If you or someone you know is in medical or mental health crisis, at danger of hurting one’s self or another, please seek acute professional in person help in a proper facility or contact 911 and/or emergency services in your country (half my readers aren’t in North America). Thanks.

“If you want something done, give it to a busy person…” -My Mother

I haven’t blogged for awhile.

The one thing I’m NEVER now in the last 11 years is busy.

Doesn’t mean I am still not doing some kind of work with my advocacy in situations that are life and death for someone like I do with my blog and those who are in crisis medically and or mentally due to gastric bypass issues, because I still am doing that.

But I am profoundly sad in a lot of ways, even though I know how lucky I am.

My maternal grandfather passed away exactly 50 years ago, today.

My Mother who was 21 and pregnant at the time with me and both my parents who had in common that they were the 4th and final children of mothers who had them in their early 40s.

On both sides of my family, maternally and paternally my grandparents and those before them and since, raised productive positive good loving people with good intentions.

Obviously, I’m somewhat of an anomaly, other than I haven’t been in really any legal trouble, when I worked, I worked. I was what I was until I wasn’t, as far as being a loving present never married single mother.

I’ve tried to explain the best I can and will continue to do so, as long as it’s constructive to myself, those I love the most and others whether they have or  may not have the words or ability to identify how they feel when living and or nearly dying from an unprecedented, interrupting/interrupted and inconvenient life circumstances to ourselves and others lives.

It would probably surprise most people for someone in my case, where I identify as a medical, mental health and suicide prevention activist that I don’t personally think about much life or death with all this time I never expected to have.

However, I think about my legacy, a lot.

I think what I want for those I love the most, personally.

I think about what I want for human beings, as an activist and am able to act on it more, as far as being a blogger activist is concerned.

I could be okay with my legacy being the wordy reversed chick with medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities who tried to make sure what was the most painful and life changing about my issues that had consequences for others, wasn’t in vain, if I wasn’t a mother and a daughter who did that.

I don’t cry very often.

But I did early this morning, cry while  thinking of my Mom who’s had to spend most of her adult life without her father, as my maternal grandmother died at the age of 98, who’s spent her whole life while people are alive and when they are gone, of doing the right thing by them and having to have an adult daughter who faltered the way I did.

I cried for my son and my daughter in law, her mother and my potential in the future grandchildren ,as my daughter in law’s mom passed due metastatic breast cancer, a little a month after her 49th birthday, 8 1/2 months ago and she was a wonderful mother, mother in law,  sister, daughter, aunt and friend and she would’ve been an amazing grandmother to grandchildren that she never got to live to see and positively love on them.

I cried for my son and daughter who do have a mother who’s still living but has had to apologize for bad things I did and good things that they deserved that I never did or could not continue doing.

And while my ability to articulate that to them, as well as others who are complete strangers helps the strangers to them, more than it helps the ones I love the most, is a mixed blessing.

I’ve talked more the little I’m on social media about my advanced health care directive and having a DNR/DNI request and a body bequeathment to the hospital I had my gastric bypass and reversal and that I will talk more about on here, in the future.

I think more conversation needs to happen about personal life and death wishes and/or requests that aren’t rooted in suicidal ideation, addiction, extreme adversity and/or mental health in our society.

I’m not digressing.

Legacy is literally about what you leave to others.

I don’t want to have a non, bad or long life.

It’s bad enough I’ve really have never finished anything I’ve started.

I don’t want to have an irrevocable  bad legacy that does absolutely nothing positive for the ones I love the most now and the ones they will love in the future, who I would’ve loved had I been here, without me being here to see it or positively affect.

I guess while I try to figure out what I can realistically do for those I love and what I’m going to leave them with , I can try and start a discussion and safe place for people who think about legacy, that is and isn’t monetary or in my case isn’t even tangible.

Anyways, this is my musings about life, love and legacy.

Feel free to share yours, if you want.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not be reduced by them”- Maya Angelou

Note: Anything NOT constructive will be published.

Blog being published while it’s still the July 13th, 2019 here in the United States.



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