It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for April, 2018

What Derick Dillard will NEVER understand…

ani-ldodi-image

I want to make a point, so I’ll try to keep this both concise and classy…

Even though the snarky side of me wants to tell Derick Dillard, that if he’s looking to find travesties, he don’t have to look very far, he’s got one in his own brother in law!!!

Because as of late, there’s so many bad things to worry about, one of the things I do use to cheer me up, when You Tube binging, is watching clips either on Oprah/OWN or TLC regarding both Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent, even though I’ve been following Nate for a long time, since Queen Oprah introduced him to the world and his mother, Nancy Golden when she was my favorite designer on HGTV’s show “Design on A Dime” almost if not over 20 years ago, when I was a single mother of 1, of modest means.

There’s always been something extraordinary about Nate Berkus, way before he lost his partner in a tsunami in 2004, that went beyond making a home, that’s probably why he not only captured people’s attention before then, but their hearts, as well.

Then as we saw the brutally honest pain that he went through after his tragic loss when in deep mourning, only sharing it to help others.

And then seeing him discover joy with Jeremiah Brent, where they again, don’t just help people design a home, they put so much of their heart in it, anyone who bears witness to that, can’t help but be inspired of them and learn how to love better, because of them.

I’d watch Nate and Jeremiah tediously build ugly small cities with popsicle sticks, cause they’re smart, funny, real, they’re lit within and beautiful inside and out.

I’d stick a fork in my eye, before I’d watch anything Dillard/Duggar related, even though like I have more time in the world, than almost ANYONE,  it’s not that I wish the entire clan bad, I just wish some of the would just GO AWAY.

Especially,  if you don’t have anything nice to say, which in Derick Dillard’s case, it seems like a matter of jealousy and spite, that 2 men who love each other (see above meme) but are so admired and adored for so many reasons, STILL have such a strong place in people’s hearts AND a television show.

And Derick Dillard DOES NOT.

Note: I will NOT publish anything hateful. Thanks!!!

Advertisements

#Toronto

nothing-is-a-matter-of-life-and-death-except-life-and-death-quote-1

***Disclaimers: AGAIN, I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, NOR do I have an educational or credentialed backround in ANY way, in public safety or law enforcement.

I’m not going to touch upon the horrific terrorism that killed 10 people yesterday and injured approximately 15 people, in Toronto, Canada, yesterday.

Nor am I looking to discuss where I’ve seen briefly on social media, that this particular tragedy could be used to promote a pro-gun agenda (which I’m not necessarily against except when I am, as discussed ad nauseum in other blogs) nor am I looking for the actions of a police officer, who was reluctant to possibly shoot an armed suspected mass murderer, to make a point for those officers in the U.S. who’ve shot unarmed civilians, where others are using this tragedy to make a point for that cause, as well.

I’ll actually be surprisingly on point, with a serious opinion and whether it warrants a future discussion by law enforcement professionals in future similar situations, on the off chance, I’ve missed similar opinions to mine***

I’m sure that my blogs and my skill sets ARE NOT going to have anyone in law enforcement or public safety, locally, nationally or globally, in a hurry to hire me, anytime soon.

It’s not for me to say, in yesterday’s horrific tragedy, whether or not, the Toronto police officer who captured a mass murderer/domestic terrorist, of whether his judgement was off in NOT shooting the suspect.

That Toronto police officer, is a HERO.

BUT, I have GRAVE concerns, that this could set a dangerous precedent in future tragedies, because if someone has the ability and desire to kill as many innocent people going about their day, as possible, they’d have NO problem, shooting an a police officer, when apprehended.

I’m going to have to assume, that police officers, whether in the United States or globally, when faced in dangerous situations, will use their best judgement in life or death situations, with others or in the matters of their own lives, when at risk.

I’m not trying to take away anything from a heroic officer, but because I feel that his exact judgement in another circumstance could lead to a police officer fatality/fatalities and/or more civilian fatalities, on what was already a horrific tragedy.

I AM just saying this perhaps warrants further discussion in the law enforcement communities, globally  AND how it’s being reported by multiple media outlets, of when police officers choose to or not, shoot potentially armed violent criminals.

Note: I will NOT publish anything that’s not constructive. I have NO problem being usually a wordy anti-homicide activist who cares about innocent people and law enforcement, especially in life or death situations. Thanks!!!

When “our doves” die- An honest human discussion about living and sometimes dying from addiction… #stigmakills

267c2f40ab4409c6f5d1bf4f038904d4

(for my international readers http://www.befrienders.org)

*Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained or credentialed medical or mental health professional, nor am I am a professionally trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety. I will ALWAYS encourage people in crisis to seek acute professional help in an appropriate setting or if necessary, contact emergency services.

(There also will be profanity, in this blog and honest talk about living and dying from addiction and the human predilection for addiction, if that’s offensive, PLEASE don’t read) *

I won’t BACK down!!!

Shit, wrong artist!!!

NO, I’m not being glib.

On this second anniversary of Prince’s death, where initially, I had a fear that I didn’t want Prince to be the poster child for accidental illegal drug overdose, I decided it was more important as an activist to make sure he didn’t die in vain.

It was driven home more, when Tom Petty died under similar circumstances, involving the drug Fentanyl last year, as well as other famous beloved people, as well as those of us who lose loved ones in death or in the depths of despair due to drug addiction, every year.

I’ve gone on record, so to speak, in past blogs in greater detail, that I think Fentanyl is a fucking EVIL drug.

Heroin is, too.

But any substance or entity that can cause addictive behaviors in humans that ruin their lives, if not end them, can be considered “evil”, to at least someone.

I tried before starting this blog, to find a “quote meme” that would do addiction “justice” on this 2nd anniversary of Prince’s death and for anyone who could relate.

I defaulted to above “meme” only because I figured I’d be better serving my readers, resources, as well as trying to be a part of the dialogue on honest talk about addiction.

I have addiction issues and an addictive personality.

I ONLY escaped drug addiction, due to the either horrific side effects of them or because I metabolize other drugs (prescription and/or not illegal) so quickly, that it’s difficult physiologically to build up an addiction to them.

I’m only injecting my personal issues with addiction, as this is a blog, it’s not an article and it’s not something that would be too helpful for me to go on in more detail, like I have in previous blogs about my own personal demons, which I have.

But it would be disingenous to write a blog about addiction in others, without disclosing my own issues, at least acknowledging that they most definitely exist.

Living in the hometown of Prince, there is a celebration of his life this weekend, on this 2nd anniversary of his death and I get why for all of those who loved him and his music, of why that’s so important to take place.

But if I’m going to be honest, even though I’m not a super fan, as much as I know about addiction and human strengths and human frailities, there’s a part of me that’s SO angry, that he’s gone.

As well as now, Tom Petty, like I said before.

Or my friend “N” who died almost 6 years ago, when in medical crisis, she developed an addiction after being on IV narcs due to extended hospitalizations and ended up with a heroin addiction, that NO ONE knew about, until she accidently overdosed from a bad batch of Heroin.

I consider myself “lucky” to a certain extent, as much as anyone who suffers and has to deal day to day with severe persistent mental health issues and intractable severe widespread and localized physical pain, that drugs never became a crisis situation for me, either living with a drug addiction or nearly dying from one, other than my suicide attempt almost 10 years ago, where I tried to intentionally overdose on prescribed narcotics for me.

But I think of Prince or my friend N and they died before they could see so many things, as locals to Minneapolis, as well as anyone who loses loved ones due to addiction.

As far as Prince, he missed U.S Bank Stadium being finally completed, he missed  “52”!!!

I don’t think and I’m not trying to come of self serving, that I don’t get as mad about the genius of him and his ability to create music that we could related to, being cut so short, as much as I get angry and sad, about his right to would’ve been to live his life, that was cut short, due to the depth of an addiction, that really NO ONE could’ve said, could’ve been avoided.

What exactly do I mean by that???

Because most people if they don’t have severe chronic pain OR they are afraid of using any kind of opiate or strong presciption pain medication or wouldn’t think of using any kind of street drug, have NO idea of what it’s like to not only be a slave to addiction, but to be in so much pain physically, that it alone becomes soul crushing and then you add addiction to a substance/s on top of it.

What’s exactly the answer to this then, with addiction to drugs or anything else, that ruins people’s lives, if NOT, actually ENDS them???

Because while people can try to legislate any substance or anything that can be abused or cause a fatality/fatalities, a wise blogger once said (ME!!!) that “You CANNOT legislate addiction, AWAY”.

Not everything that causes addiction in one person, will cause addiction in another.

I can’t say what the cure or the answer is to addiction of drugs (prescription or illegal) or any kind of addiction that ruins lives, if not ends them.

What’s in the root of addiction and what the recovery of what one’s person’s addiction will look like, will vary being as unique, as we all are.

But we have to acknowledge that most humans are addicted to something and try to find different alternative approaches to prevention, evaluation and treatment of addictions.

That CANNOT happen though, with moral judgements and/or stigma.

Note: Constructive feedback, ONLY, please. Thanks!!!

 

 

“Emotional Self Defense”??? #MLK50 #YouTubeShooting….

martin-luther-king-jr-leader-we-must-develop-and-maintain-the

Disclaimers: I’m NOT a clinically or credentially  trained professional in medical, mental health, law enforcement and/or  in public safety. IF anyone you know is in crisis and is a danger to themselves or others,  please contact law enforcement immediately, on my previous blog to this one, I have dozens of national links and one global link on my previous blog.

Unfortunately, the above disclaimer wouldn’t have done any good, yesterday.

I’m talking about the attempted potential mass murder and suicide of a shooter at the You Tube Headquarters in San Bruno, California, yesterday.

Her family did the right thing.

And this blog and my intentions isn’t to cast blame on anyone but the shooter.

And ask once again, could’ve anything been done to prevent this, well with initiatives, at least and what they need to look like, at this point.

But because as an activist, while I rely on quotes and the work of Dr. Martin Luther King, to help inspire me. I’m going to look at using some of his work, to help in hopes that at least some of these tragedies can possibly be prevented, that go beyond gun control and mental health awareness, which I believe in, I just don’t believe it’s enough.

On this 50th anniversary of MLK’s assassination, I’m looking to his work tonight, to bring out his wisdom and kindness in such a scary digital age, 5 decades later to see if any of these tragedies can be prevented, possibly.

I had thought yesterday after the shooting and the news coverage, once the shooter was identified as being dead, I’d leave this alone.

I spent yesterday morning running errands and had an afternoon appointment when I came home to decompress and lots of times I do that by watching You Tube, as I have a paid account (YouTube Red) and no cable.

Only when taking a quick break to check on email, about 20 minutes after it started to trend about an active shooter situation.

But the motives and end results, where in this case, one of the victims is still in critical condition, these happen too often with different motives of the shooter and different degrees of horrifying end outcomes.

I spent most of my morning yesterday, explaining in random details to the person helping me run errands, prior to the tragedy yesterday, of explaining why I do something in regards to murder/suicide prevention, as a blogger and activist.

I don’t think I’m the most qualified (hardly), but it’s something that’s now almost becoming a daily horrifying tragedy in the United States with varying opinions arguing who’s the more right but no professional insight from those trained in dealing with abnormal/trauma psychiatry or psychology.

The above quote by MLK I think could do a lot in preventing these tragedies from occurring, as far as teaching forgiveness, kindness and empathy and and how to productively deal with rejection and rage, from the time people are young.

But when talking about this tragedy on Facebook, I brought up something and it’s something to consider.

I have to wonder if some of these tragedies are based in an abhorrent/abnormal mindset of “emotional self defense” of the worst kind.

Meaning people when feeling wronged, it’s okay to be upset, it’s not okay to take away people’s inherent right to peace of mind, not at the expense of others, nor at the expense of human life, EXCEPT when people are in a situation of mortal danger, but some people are not seeming to rationally realize this, at this point.

I have the expression about myself that I’m “damaged but not dangerous” and while there’s a lot of things I don’t like about myself or my life and while I’m pondering if there’s more I can do to be a more productive human being, I can say that trying to help people learn in a constructive way, from my own personal tragedies, may have not led to physical wealth and the ultimate in personal success, but I can feel at least a small sense of pride, that what I went through, it wasn’t in vain.

And I’m not saying that all people should be this way, I do believe people have to find their own way in the world, but whether or not someone is capable of forgiveness, they shouldn’t be capable of such short sighted but irrevocable revenge, especially when it comes to loss of life, in situations that aren’t literally a matter of life or death, if EVER.

As I’ve said before in previous blogs, I use the internet to have some quality of life, I don’t think it’s good for people who even make a living on social media, to make a life or live life on the multiple platforms of social media, that are now available to us.

And that mental health and/or fitness (which yes, it’s possible, even when having different mental illnesses) and agility, is EQUALLY important as physical health.

And also as I’ve said in recent blogs and blogs for years now, on the topic of mass murder and murder/suicide rooted in rejection and rage (or for ANY reason), teaching that there is no shame in getting help for oneself and maybe we need to teach people how to help themselves, get acute professional help, whenever it’s possible, before they hurt and/or kill themselves and others.

So when I’m sad that we live in such a divided angry society with a growing daily body count of innocent others, I’m going to continue to ask myself “What would MLK do???”.

So that he didn’t die in vain and the many people now, who are continuing to die because of deadly violent rage.

And maybe it would help others, to do the same.

Peace….

Note: Blog being published on 4-4-2018. Constructive input welcomed. No hate, please.

And while it makes me nauseous to have to say this, if one can’t find comfort and wisdom in the works of MLK, there’s always Mr. Rogers, K?

Thanks!!!

At one time, a family of 8, but in the end, a family completely wiped out #hartfamily …

267c2f40ab4409c6f5d1bf4f038904d4

Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical, mental health or credientialed in public safety, law enforcement and in social services.

The ONLY reason why I keep writing these blogs about domestic murder/suicides is that they keep happening and there is NO specific initiative in place. I found one murder/suicide initiative that was started 20 years ago, but it was only in respect to female partners being killed by their male partner.

I don’t know how many more people have to innocently die, especially when whole entire immediate families are dying this way, without more initiatives in place for prevention and/or rehabilitation.

I ask respectfully though, I do these blogs, where my immediate family knows somewhat of why I keep doing this, but they are really private people and in hopes of making sense and there being a greater purpose that we went through wasn’t in vain.

But an activist/blogger who purposely doesn’t want a lot of attention and is disabled, I’m limited on what I can do. I hope those who have more resources or stories of where they were in crisis but got help before irreversible tragedy happened or clinical trained professionals in abnormal psychology, can speak up on ideas, if it’s possible for prevention.

I will say my normal disclaimer, if you or someone you love, is in DANGER of hurting themselves or others, please seek immediate acute help by calling 911 (or because I’m read outside of the U.S and North America emergency services in your area or looking up http://www.befrienders.org) immediately.

Editorial Note: This majority of this  blog was written on 3/29/2018, I hesitated in publishing it under the assumption that it was a domestic murder/suicide, even though it had the signs of one until more data was released, that I just caught today. It was unclear at the time of publishing due to conflicting news, of where it is possible that there were 3 surviving children, it still doesn’t change the nature or the point I’m trying to make in the blog, it’s still beyond tragic.

******

I had just noticed the story, yesterday. Where a family of 8, where they had MN roots like I do, but were living on the West Coast, that the 2 parents and 3 of their children, their bodies earlier this week were found, after their vehicle had gone off a road into the Pacific Ocean.

Because the family had 3 other siblings, it’s now being suspected they died, as well, even though their bodies haven’t been found yet.

There has been talk because the mothers had a recent child neglect/abuse claim against them, if that was the motive, possibly, of their deaths.

When family and friends of the victims were interviewed, they were noted to be nice people who were activists for positive change, even though some of their neighbors found some of the behaviors in the parents questionable, as far as the children not being taken care of properly.

None of the above am I making any judgement nor at the same time, excusing.

While I remember the good mother I was 20 years ago, I also remember the neglectful mother I became a little over 10 years ago, when in medical and mental health crisis.

While I’ve written many blogs about that period of time, in hopes to remove stigma, I’ve written many more blogs about domestic murder/suicide that involve children, there is one topic that I have NOT brought up when it comes to these horrific tragedies, that I do have to wonder, if it places apart, even though I don’t and will NEVER understand it.

I remember when I was that shamefilled terrified mother of 2, worried about the possibility of my children being taken away, while I somewhat was aware of the fact, that my parents or sisters would never let that happen, I also was terrified if something should happen where my kids would be taken away and be put in a system, where they be physically assaulted or raped.

I knew after having a past history of doing both volunteer work in a battered woman’s shelter and also facilitating a single parent support group, that is hard working as our Department of Human Services staff are, they are extremely overworked, underpaid and underappreciated.

That hasn’t changed since 1988/89 when I was a volunteer at that battered woman’s shelter, in 1998 when I worked as a single parent faciliator of a support group with my local YMCA (when one is considered a mandated reporter, just like I consider myself now, being such a serious activist but responding to personal queries for medical/mh help) and it was the same when I found myself 10 years later, with my own CPS and APS case in 2007 for hoarding and a brief one, post suicide attempt in 2008, where I didn’t fight where my children were going to be, only fought my potentially being committed.

Although my CPS worker in 2007 did see that there was love in my home and my kids’s basic needs were being met and she met with me weekly for months prior to my case being discharged, as well as I was ordered to be in therapy and that manditory cleanup, which she helped participate in.

It’s not for me to second guess that the kids were NOT immediately removed from their home.

If parents seem loving but are struggling, the last thing DHS/CPS  (or any similar agency in one’s locale) is rip kids from a loving home, even if it is unstable and sometimes doing that can be more traumatic for a child and/or children than leaving them with their parents.

The point I’m trying to make and unfortunately we may never know in these circumstances of why this family was wiped out or in other cases where it seemed like loving parents that I’ve wrote about (or even families that I haven’t) take out their entire family including children, is maybe due to some kind of HORRIBLY misguided sense of LOVE.

I can’t even try to wrap my head around that, though.

I can understand where people feel so trapped that sometimes and I’m choosing my words, very, very, very carefully, that suicide can not only feel like it’s the only choice that someone can make for themselves, it’s not necessarily hate based but out of compassion for one’s self, depending on their degree of suffering.

But ending someone elses life, ever or especially in a case, where it’s one’s child or partner, I don’t understand that and am only trying to, identify potential motives in these tragedies,  to be a better activist in the name of prevention of these horrible tragedies that keep happening over and over again.

If I had a chance where I’d have the opportunity, which I will NOW, as far as this blog being written, I’d beg someone to get serious help before hurting themselves and others, let alone killing them.

I’d beg them to see that even in our worst trying times, things can get better, even if it may take a long time, but that no one has the right to take the peace of mind or to take the right of life FOR  someone else.

I don’t see in this case, unless it comes out that the parents involved talked to someone else about the problems and or concern of what the tragic end outcome was in this case, that it could’ve necessarily been prevented.

But for a family that adopted children in hopes to give them a better life, as well as the good things they did throughout their lives (which unfortunately ultimately doesn’t matter, if one or both parents were responsible in the deaths of their children) and for their lives, ultimately, to end in the worst way possible,

I hope this can start a dialogue and a movement for prevention and rehabilitation initiatives, so that this ENTIRE family, like families before them, didn’t die in vain.

It just goes beyond the scope of my comprehension of any one human beings last memory of being murdered, but especially by someone who they love more than anything.

And that’s probably why I won’t stop blogging about this, until major initiatives are in place, for prevention of these horrific tragedies, happening over and over again.

Note: Please, only constructive feedback is wanted. I honestly wish I had more resources at my disposal to do more in prevention than blogging about it. Thanks!!!

Tag Cloud