It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for December, 2016

FUCK YOU 46th year and FUCK YOU 2016!!!


(me above 12-1-2016, last day of being 46. It’s what I look like when I first wake up in the morning and yeah, it boggles my mind, too, of  how I wasn’t asked to walk in yesterday’s Victoria Secret 2016 Fashion Show. I’m obviously kidding, I’ve lost most of my mind this year, proud to still have retained something of my crappy sense of humor!!!)

(hey, if you lean towards the right, the last 5 minutes of this video above, is still AWESOME)

And while I’m at it, as I’m sure it’s not going to be any better,  FUCK YOU 47th year and FUCK YOU, too 2017!!!

Uh, I guess it’s a little LATE to post a trigger warning for profanity, eh?

Gawd, this was a fucking AWFUL year!!!

Not 2008 AWFUL, which was spent in first of of 2 group homes for the severely mentally ill, post August of 2008 suicide attempt, but hey they baked a birthday cake on my birthday that I shouldn’t have ate a bite of  but tried and projectiled vomited !!!

Not 2009 birthday awful, when in 2nd group home, spent celebrating my 40th birthday by myself at Mc Donald’s, same story, between pesky multiple ulcers and psych meds that made me crave food I couldn’t possibly keep down (couldn’t keep any food or liquid down, for the matter and by 2009 and I’d almost gained a 100 of the 107 lbs I lost after my gastric bypass due to those meds) projectile vomiting the fucking 40th birthday McAngus burger I was obsessed with having to try a few bites of …

Not 2010 awful,  (knowing better now then to ever eat anything or drink anything when STILL this FUCKING sick, it also helped not being on those meds any  longer, both psychiatrist and PCP took me off them) when not on and also 3 months post reversal, where I still was projectile vomiting enough, that even though I had been living on my own since New Year’s Day 2010, most of the time was on the campus of Fairview University Medical Center, my 41st birthday, no exception. As I was scheduled for an EGD on my birthday that they couldn’t get an IV in to do the actual fucking  EGD and I ended up getting a PICC line the next day as my labs were still really low. And being sick enough in December of 2010, where while I had reconnected with friends, was too sick and I actually missed my own fucking birthday party!!!

So after all the shit I’ve been through, you’d think I’d give being 46 and 2016, a bit of a break, right?

Cause, a big YAY  for me, I’m still ALIVE…

However this my birthday blog, which my 47th birthday isn’t til tomorrow AND my 2016 year in review.

And while it wasn’t the worst year ever in my life, truthfully, it really SUCKED.

Beginning with Winter of 2016, when my best friend (friends on and off for almost 25 years, reconnected though in 2010 through Facebook) emotionally and mentally threw me under a bus. Because I left her late February of 2016 birthday party, due to a migraine, apparently that made me the FUCKING anti-christ.

Which really wasn’t the reason. I apparently was a horrible person who being devoid of having any responsibilities like most adults our age, just wasn’t worth keeping around anymore.

In HER defense, I’ll say she does take care of a lot of people, she has a lot of friends, she has a family and even though her children are grown, she does take care of a lot of people, whether or not they’ve asked her to…

In my defense, knowing that my life is so abnormal compared to most people my age who work, who are actively raising children or seeing their adult kids and grandchildren a lot, I don’t put pressure on anyone to make contact or see me. I let my friends and family set the tone and I have really good boundaries, being really super aware of my barriers.

I didn’t deserve what she said and what she did. I wasn’t one of those who asked her to take care of me. I don’t do much, but I can take care of myself. But maybe having to care for so many people and I being a safe person for her to take her crap out on, and with her resenting the amount of free time I have, she did so and then emotionally eviscerated me, verbally and then has ghosted me, ever since.

She  broke my heart, but luckily she didn’t break me. But as she knows and anyone else, if I could survive what I have, I can survive that. I can FUCKING survive pretty much ANYTHING. And I have.

Reinforcing that when I literally or metaphorically fall, I still could get back up again. I actually was under the belief though, if I fell physically it would be almost impossible for me to keep running around like I do in public.

That got tested when I fell pretty hard, 2 months ago during rush hour, 2 blocks before the last preseason Vikings game, 2 blocks away from the new U.S Bank stadium, here in Downtown Minneapolis, becoming rush hour roadkill in front of about 300 people who and where NO  ONE thought of, when people walked around me and NO ONE helped me up. As physically excruciating as that fall was, it was ALSO humilating, too .

Until I realized the humiliation was NOT mine to bear. And went for an 8 mile walk, the next day, to prove I’m emotionally stronger (kinda stupid though from a physical disability point of view but had to for emotional strengthening) and physically stronger than I give myself credit for.

I, at least do help people when they physically and mentally fall down hard. As last exampled when a large homeless guy fell about 8 feet in front of me, 2 days ago, when going on a walk, near my apartment building (I live in Downtown Minneapolis). I did help him back up (other people by then, also helped me, too).

Which kinda restored my faith in Minnesota Nice.

I do still have my boyfriend of over 5 years now. And he’s awesome. As my physical pain issues get worse and I found out this year, that I am actively in Menopause, which really sucks, I do spend EVEN more time, by myself.

And while on a good day I could probably still probably figure out how to operate a jumbo jet and perform a thoracotomy, simuatenously, I have more days where I can’t do anything, and if I get out of bed ( a must as sleeping causes a lot of pain) and have a drink of water in the 17 hours that I’ve been up, it’s a fucking miracle.

My heart is ALWAYS going to hurt, because of my circumstances with my children. I do see them and they are doing great and I’m so grateful for that.

So I do try to count my blessings.Like ALL THE TIME.  I’m not living the life of my dreams and hopes like I was 11 years ago with my children , but I’m not living a fucking living nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from, like I was from 2007 to 2010, either.

However, I’ve felt a general malaise, that is relatable to a lot of people,, more so this year even though it hasn’t been as physically and mentally awful as the years mentioned above for me, as most people have.

What I’m talking about is, of couse, the CLUSTERFUCK that was the Presidential Election of 2016. And all the beloved talented performance artists we lost this year, whether it be actors or musicians.

I’m not trying to offend any of my friends or my family who lean more to the right. Because I think for most of us, here in the now in what is definely the fucking Divided States of America, this election was not fun for ANYONE.

I just have so little to lose but truthfully with a Republican EVERYTHING, am in greater danger of losing the little that I have.

I honestly thought that I’d feel some kind of relief, naievly so, after the election was over. It didn’t hit me, even though I didn’t assume like most, that Hillary Clinton would win, that I’d be this terrified, now that it’s over.

While I’ve reduced my social media presence greatly, especially this year, I didn’t fucking  become  Amish. Although I  honestly did think about becoming Amish, this year. Seriously.While I’m not on Facebook and Twitter very much, I’m still on the internet (hence one of the reasons I didn’t move to Lancaster, PA, this year) and I’m still an internet junkie.

And so while I can get some temporary feeling of a laughter when I watch comedians such as John Oliver, Bill Maher and Samantha Bee, think about something from my perspective.

But unfortunately all these funny wealthy comedians and talk show hosts are scaring the FUCKING HELL out of ME!!!

And probably quite a few others, who might be like me, in sentiment or circumstances…..

IF all these people who have money and some kind of power are so terrified for our nation, what are people like ME supposed to fucking FEEL???  I’m NOT talking just about me. I’m talking about people who are lower income, in addition to minorities, Muslims and anyone who has something to lose with a completely Republican congress and President.

AND if that wasn’t bad enough, from an activist point of view there’s been all this loss of life. People killing their families. All the violence that’s happening EVERYWHERE. All these tragedies both in the U.S and around the world. Natural disasters. It’s so hard to feel any feeling of safety in any kind of way, with what it seems like the direction our how people are just snapping and our future seems so unsettled.

And as we’re seeing, people of PRIVILEGE of any kind, whether they were born into it, or they worked for it, they aren’t IMMUNE, either to hardship, hurt, hate or death. And when in crisis, having it all over the media. Over and over again.

I can only hope that my own mental health issues are a barrier of causing me to be this pessimistic. Even though I’m fairly rational most of the time, devoid of any delusion and unfortunately, firmly grounded in reality.

I can only hope that I’m REALLY  wrong that almost everything seems like it’s going to HELL in a handbasket…

At the same time, I am NOT sorry that I carry opinions that if you carry beliefs that will put us back in the FUCKING late 1600’s, as far as human rights, that you should have the same technology options. So don’t mind me, coming and taking your smartcars, smartphones and other tech stuff and selling it and donating the money to charity (okay, I obviously wouldn’t fucking do that)  but it’s kinda of a fun temporary distraction to fantasize about!!!

So this is why I haven’t been on social media much or have been blogging. I still have been doing the activism that I do, but very quietly.

And this is why I don’t have much hope for my 47th year (even though I’m shocked like I have been for the last 10 years that I managed to hang on this long!!! ) OR the YEAR of 2017.

Anyways, I can only hope for those who’ve had a horrible year, for even more horrible reasons, as I know this was a tough year for a lot of people that wasn’t politically driven, I do hope things get better for you. And again, maybe I’ll be wrong in everything I’ve said I’m worried about.

So… FUCKING Happy Birthday to me, tomorrow. And to Britney Spears, cause it’s her birthday,tomorrow, as well.

And Happy Holidays to all. Cause chances are this is my last blog on WordPress for the year….

And may GOD or any other higher power, depending on what you personally believe in, such as Batman, Superman, Iron Man (yes, I know I know they are fictional charachters) , or some real life Marvel hero we haven’t heard yet, PLEASE FUCKING HELP the United States of America, as well as the rest of the world….

(edit/update 3/2017 the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds almost 4 weeks after I published this..NO (well, additional at this time) WORDS 😦 )

p.s. One last little relatable to this year fun fact about my fucking IRONIC crazy life:
727 5th Avenue/Midtown Manhattan-Tiffany and Co. AND Trump Tower.
727 5th Avenue/Downtown Minneapolis-“Frump Tower”, okay that’s not nice.

Well it’s actually named  Mabeth Paige Hall, a building that’s on the historic registry and actually where I actually live.  The “frump ” is referring to the fact my apartment is TINY and affordable housing. and I’m actually very grateful to have my housing. And I do volunteer work for the non profit that owns it.

And if anyone is actually fucking dumb enough to try and come and find me, with bad intentions, well you may meet one my  few “interesting” neighbors and/or their friends.. Ya can’t say weren’t warned!!!

p.s.s. I still  FUCKING  still rather live at 727 5th Avenue in Downtown Minneapolis vs. 727 5th Avenue aka Trump Tower in  Midtown Manhattan!!!!! And for some odd reason, I find the lil tidbit above, kinda hilarious. Which is like good, cause a sense of humor is like REALLY necessary in my life, with most things in my life, not being funny, AT ALL……

Note: Any comments that can be triggering to any of my readers, ESPECIALLY me, will not be posted, this being my birthday blog. Unless you’re like most of my stupid haters and find the most ridiculous things to pick at me at and are kind of funny in how ya hate on me……

Then it’s possible it might get posted…

Or if I managed to miss Rumpspringa and  you’re  reading this and you’re actually Amish. Then, yeah I definitely owe you an apology. And if you are, I’m fucking really sorry.

As we still have Freedom of Speech. Well for now, anyways…………….

p.s.s.s. Also note… If blogs of mine contain copious amounts of profanity, there’s a lot of stuff that I’m NOT saying. Not necessarily because I’m afraid of the repercussions. But it may have repercussions on people and causes that I care about…

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