#IGuessThisIsWhatCrazyREALLYLooksLike
Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor do I have any training in public safety and I will ALWAYS advise if a person is in crisis, is possibly in danger of hurting themselves or others of to contact emergency services and/or get in person evaluation and treatment, immediately.
Trigger Warnings: This blog discusses emotional trauma such as serious and lifelong bullying, rape and suicide to name a few, as well as other controversial topics of how divided and emotionally malignant our society is becoming and if any of that, including profanity, is a potential trigger for anyone, it’s okay to not read. I’d prefer it.
This particular blog is really truthfully for myself, but being published in hopes to help others, but for that to occur it will take patience, kindness and being open minded.
***
I honestly thought I saw all that was potentially considered insanity, personally was what led up to and the 3 years after of what was exactly 13 years ago, my one and only suicide attempt and the actual repercussions and aftermath, is as bad as things could get in a first world country, with someone in my case who had a traditional middle to upper middle class upbringing.
There was NOTHING though normal about my life, I’ve been bullied by peers from preschool to current time.
I was born a food addict who didn’t feel satiated very long.
I was really smart though, shy and kind and then became funny to make up for being what society considered my fatness and my ugliness and awkward actually face, body and curly red hair in my early teens.
I learned how to verbally defend myself in my early 20’s, right around the time it became important, as a year later I had my first child who was my priority.
Almost 20 years ago right after 9/11, thinking I’d never know what it would be like to be thin, pretty and maybe a little powerful, I decided to have a gastric bypass.
I did become thin and pretty, still smart and funny and became powerful in ways that mattered the most when I found fitness in my somewhat early mid 30’s but prior to that, in the first 18 months after my gastric bypass, I moved into a nicer apartment with my son, lost the majority of my weight, had my second child but was already starting to show signs of gastric bypass complications, but I was a single mother of 2 by then, who worked full time, had a nice apartment with my kids and a nice life but even prior my gastric bypass I had an independent productive life that I was somewhat proud of and liked, I had my son, I had my family and what I thought were a few good friends even though life from my early 20’s to mid 30’s while peppered with extraordinary great things to also being peppered a few traumatic events.
The most and least talked about traumas in my 20’s was my son getting physically abused once with his mouth being washed out by soap, by his daycare provider who was my former employer once I went back to working for corporations when he was 2 1/2, which he obviously never went back to that daycare.
A year later I was raped while being fat and was double traumatized because I knew I couldn’t tell anyone because I believed NO ONE would believe me, never thinking in a newer day and age it could ever be mocked.
Then finally find my way in what I thought would be best for my kids and I, as in my early mid 30’s, I have my kids, I have a purpose professionally and personally with fitness but not wanting to be obnoxious about it, but I didn’t know that intense exercise produces some amazing endorphins in some people and I loved it enough to go to school to be a personal trainer, but in cases where weight loss wasn’t an objective even with people who were on the larger side of the spectrum thought some kind of rehabilitative form exercise could help, not knowing that 3 years later, there would be an expiration date on my body’s and mind’s ability to produce endorphins and everything else would be turned upside down.
Everything in the immediate to 17 months post suicide attempt is in my first blog that I launched on here, exactly 8 years ago.
And the title was aptly named of my first blog being “What Crazy Looks Like”.
Cause I was too sick medically and mentally to recognize too much of the outside world in 2008, by then my whole entire life had already collapsed and already felt incredibly over.
It feels like a sick joke when I try to explain sometimes to others, my entire past life whether it be how i was able to show my children how much I loved them, that I could work, drive a car, exercise that it’s been almost a third of my life that I’ve been living with not necessarily catastrophic disability but such cumbersome life limiting ones.
I knew though having to start all over from having nothing, not even the most basic of freedoms at times 13 years ago, as I was nearly institutionalized (again, another long read but that is in my 1st blog) after my suicide attempt to fight that, to then have to fight so hard to stay alive to get my gastric bypass reversed a little 2 years later, I can’t dwell on much.
I knew from the time though I went through my gastric bypass complications being more visible to the public, then just to my children and sometimes immediate family post suicide attempt and not having anyone know what it was like to go through complications that were severe and then go through the reversal process felt unchartered territory that was scary to navigate alone.
That I didn’t want that to be in vain, but more importantly I did NOT want what my children to have been put through what they were to have been in vain, that some good had to come out of it, in hopes it would lead to their healing and possibly others who could relate to my personal experiences.
I could’ve never ever thought that people could become more divided, hateful and violent.
I never ever thought a celebrity of yet to be determined amount of wealth, could run for the office of the presidency of the United States where it was rooted in revenge in motive and win.
I never ever thought a public health crisis could stoke such further divide and hate.
I’m going to though for probably the first and last time as a blogger activist share beliefs I normally don’t, it will at first sound like I’m digressing, but it’s hard to make major points, without quite a bit of context.
I’m pro-choice even though I’d never have nor would I have had an abortion.
I don’t think I’m better, obviously I failed motherhood in a major way, for those who’ve had an abortion for any reason and I’m absolutely horrified at the thought of any female being forced to have a child, in matters of stranger and/or domestic rape assault results in pregnancy, doesn’t have the means to consent or if the mother’s life is in jeopardy.
In my case though view about abortion, in the end my concern is about is mental and physical wellbeing of the mother and the child. I think outlawing abortion would lead in the end to more dead mothers and dead children and dead people, in general.
I’m pro 2nd amendment even though I’ve never owned a gun, let alone I’ve never even touched one.
I’m pro science and pro vax but also believe in people’s right to choose for themselves and keep that private but hope they realize their right to choose can’t be at the risk of someone else life.
About 9,000 words in, I’m about to make my point/s.
I have a lot of free time that I never wanted or asked for.
The world would be a lot better of a place if people could just concentrate on what they have in common versus their differences that make them operate on the offense, constantly.
That’s not something new being said, my take though is how people who have the most differences in beliefs, can behave almost identically at great detriment to others.
I don’t get in this day and age how people can confuse justice and revenge.
I don’t get either recreationally or the constant need, that’s obsessive and addictive in others, with hating other people.
There is a lot of blogs I have that identify in better detail of experiences that shaped my desire to want to help people if I can, some blogs I apologize to those I owe one and just try to do the best I can with my complex disability sets while appreciating my few but amazing and unique skill sets that can help others in crisis.
There’s an urgency I feel though that this feeling that the world is literally a dumpster fire and that people can’t recognize their own figurative blindspots, this isn’t going to get any better, this is only going to get worse for humanity and we really can’t emotionally or physically afford it.
I guess this is what crazy really looks like but unfortunately even more crazier, doesn’t have to be if people realized everyone has a right to a safe and peaceful life and acted accordingly.
Important Notes: Cause this day is more solemn to me than celebratory I’m going to add 2 important points I didn’t need a pandemic to know this. Learn comprehensively emergency first aid and have an advanced health directive that loved ones know what you’d want in a medical crisis and what your wishes ideally after death and learning first aid and writing an advance health directive is easier when you and anyone you love is not in actual crisis.
Also note for the haters of the death threat variety (I have other sucky hater varieties, too) you can’t hurt me with a threat which still will be reported and if somehow someone would actually kill me, it’s kind of the only fucking way I’d ever look like anything resembling a hero and you’ll look like and be a total evil coward loser.
Give the hate a break, that’s like the whole entire point that you’re missing!!!
Important Edit 2 hours after publishing: Others don’t understand why prior to a pandemic that I’ve pushed learning emergency first aid and have an advanced health directive where you state specifically your wishes in a medical crisis or you designate a proxy if you can’t speak on your own behalf.
In my case being certified when I could in first aid was needed professionally at times or personally such as prior to kids being a volunteer and then being a mother.
Given how complex my disability sets are, having an AHD that says in my case for the last 3 years DNR/DNI knowing that I don’t have it in me to fight for my life again is best done when not in a medical crisis and having the uncomfortable sucky conversation that my loved ones know that for example when I die, I’ve donated my body (again, my AHD/advance health directed was written in Spring of 2018 and filed a few months later with body bequeathment that will take care of remain issues and my wish that no one mourns me, (in absence of a will as I don’t have any assets to bequeath) but celebrates the love I have for those I love that makes them being okay and at peace, once I’m gone.
I guess I don’t know how it could hurt to help even if it’s just a loved one, by learning first aid and telling loved ones what you want in the event of a medical crisis or any kind of crisis.
unstapledlisa 