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Archive for the ‘MENTAL HEALTH’ Category

#SuicidePrevention help for those who are frontline workers in the era of #COVID19 who know how to save others lives BUT not their own….

http://www.befrienders.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

inspirational quotes suicidal person Best of lost black and white depressed depression sad suicidal suicide

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training in public safety.

I will always advise those in crisis seek immediate professional assistance from emergency services, going to the closest acute care facility or contacting above links for help.

The BUT though of why people especially physicians, nurses and first responders who know the resources but for reasons that I’ll address in blog, when in crisis themselves, would be the last people on the planet to actually contact them.

So, while the resources posted above are either for those who don’t know about the resources and are in need of them or  really are in hopes for those people who know crisis resources due to profession to have a change of heart or mind, but if they aren’t able to, to talk more about their suicidal ideation by seeking other avenues of support that hopefully can help with bring some calm, comfort and clarity, which is so hard to come by, when one is in actual crisis.

But if one is not able to, something I understand, as someone who’s struggled with suicidal ideation knows all the resources, knows and has saved other people’s lives but has struggled when it’s come to saving my own life, hopefully this will help.

I don’t though want to trigger anyone, if topic matter is not able to provide constructive help, hope and healing, I beg of you to find something that will help you find the support you need to get through the crisis you are dealing with.

***

IF a picture is worth a thousand words, the above picture quote in this blog is worth about 10 million.

I’m not digressing by saying that, it just says as concisely and correctly as possible, how people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The target population of this blog, is physicians, other frontline workers, first responders who are at risk of suicide, not that I don’t hope that what I say could help anyone who may be in need, and while I’ve addressed multiple times for suicide prevention/awareness in society, I’ve only addressed this in physician populations only once before prior to the COVID-19 era.

As a non clinical professional who still in a roundabout way treats patients (bariatric surgical complication patients) but more of a last responder than a first one, having medical and mental health crisis due to my own bariatric complications that were unpleasant, unprecedented, life threatening and unpredictable even after they were no longer life threatening, for years that have left me for almost 1/3rd of my life now, to live a life with a new normal, I know but only a tiny bit but so well the struggle and the suffering.

Just like most medical professionals, frontline workers and first responders didn’t need COVID-19 to know the fragility and complexity of disease to humans, it’s just that now we are all are confronted by so much more unprecedented unpredictable crisis beyond what even the most stable of psyches couldn’t still possibly comprehend and process constructively, especially in a global state of crisis.

The thing first and foremost is the realization, you didn’t sign up for this, while none of us did, those who spent years in medical school or some formal medical, mental health or first responder training there was really no way to fully psychologically prepare any one regardless of specialty to the challenges and crisis professionally you’re all facing, let alone the personal ones.

If one has taken the Hippocratic Oath, that was to vow to not do intentional harm, it wasn’t to say that as much of a calling wanting to save others lives is, that it is to be at your own peril and the ones you love, all day, everyday with not just a lack of essential tools but no back up support in sight with all the unknowns that we still have with the pandemic.

The point I’m trying to make, is if the reason why you’re reading this, finding that you’re psychologically drowning in the abundance of others medical and psychological suffering, as well as your own, I’m not going to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel the way you feel.

Because you absolutely have every right to feel overwhelmed, overworked and unsupported and the devastation that comes with that  with no end that’s close in sight with the pandemic.

I’m also not going to throw out all the reasons why it’s wrong for you to be suicidal, that doesn’t help.

As well intentioned as hokey quotes like “put your hand over your heart and feel your heartbeat, that’s purpose and your life matters’ or harsher quotes that claim “suicide ends your suffering and just transfers it to another”, that isn’t going to help either, it’s  just going to make you feel worse.

What I am going though to now ask of you, is where you are now, emotionally?

Thinking about suicide, as a possible path out of your suffering?

Actually having a plan, with means and a date and your reasons regardless if you’ve wrote them out or not?

Now, I am going to ask you that if you are acutely suicidal and are unwilling to seek out professional help, that if you cannot bear right now to see that suicide is not the only path that’s left for you yet, to at least think about postponing it, where you are willing to try and understand better the trauma and grief that’s behind that current chosen path for you as a Plan A and maybe for the time being, make it a Plan B,C,D,E or never, but you may not be ready not to have it as an option.

One thing that is not talked about in the complexity of suicidality, is that while grief and trauma play into it, there is that part where when some of us who’ve tried to die by suicide, there is sometimes a complex component that can contain a misplaced sense of thinking and finding comfort that our suffering would finally be over.

This is not the place but it bears mention, as I’m duty bound and ethically committed to doing right by people in crisis and I don’t want to hurt anyone who might be reading this blog, who’s lost a loved one due to suicide, where again you’re not the target audience for this blog and I do address that in other blogs of mine.

The hopes that I have for physicians, nurses, first responders who are suicidal is that they ideally will get the help they need from others.

But if there is an unwillingness to do that, to try and honor the grief one is experiencing and the trauma and hopefully it will spark the realization that your life right now being in jeopardy, is the priority and hopefully getting you to see that the tools you have to save others lives can be directed in saving your own life, if there is an unwillingness to get professional help.

There is more initiatives now that see the psychological toll but there has to be more plans in place to get more medical staff in the frontlines, not just because of concern that is justified with frontline staff getting COVID-19, as well as other medical health issues that don’t stop just because of the pandemic but because burnout and suicide in physicians and frontline, first responders was an issue prior to the pandemic.

Please know that if you’re a physician, frontline and/or first responder who’s despondent there is help and hope for you, the peace though you desperately need right now, can happen in small doses, as the trauma this has caused, isn’t close to being over either in society or in your psyche but progress can be made where despair isn’t all consuming, as I’m not going to lie and say that it’s a matter of mindset that’s causing your horrific suffering, or that how you feel is going to completely go away soon, as it may not. as it’s the trauma, grief and fear of helplessness and being so overwhelmed in such unprecedented circumstances that cause the despondency and working to overcome it where it isn’t a risk to your life, as far as suicide, will take time, trying a combination of therapies.

And again, I’m so sorry for all of you being so tested and for your sacrifice and suffering the trauma you’ve experienced and your grief.

I hope and pray  though you can find it within yourself your value as a human first, as well as a healer that deserves to take time you may need to work on your own healing before you can save more lives but if you never save another life but your own, I hope you can see the heroes that you are and have always been and always will be.

I can’t stress again, I hope you get outside professional help but if you can’t, I hope you give yourself the dedication and attention to saving your own life like you would with another.

Sending peace and love and hopes and prayers that those who need it will accept that from me and so many who are wanting to help, having some understanding of why you are where you are emotionally…

#SuicidePrevention help for those who are frontline workers in the era of #COVID19 who know how to save others lives BUT not their own….

http://www.befrienders.org
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

inspirational quotes suicidal person Best of lost black and white depressed depression sad suicidal suicide

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor do I have any training in public safety.

I will always advise those in crisis seek immediate professional assistance from emergency services, going to the closest acute care facility or contacting above links for help.

The BUT though of why people especially physicians, nurses and first responders who know the resources but for reasons that I’ll address in blog, when in crisis themselves, would be the last people on the planet to actually contact them.

So, while the resources posted above are either for those who don’t know about the resources and are in need of them or  really are in hopes for those people who know crisis resources due to profession to have a change of heart or mind, but if they aren’t able to, to talk more about their suicidal ideation by seeking other avenues of support that hopefully can help with bring some calm, comfort and clarity, which is so hard to come by, when one is in actual crisis.

But if one is not able to, something I understand, as someone who’s struggled with suicidal ideation knows all the resources, knows and has saved other people’s lives but has struggled when it’s come to saving my own life, hopefully this will help.

I don’t though want to trigger anyone, if topic matter is not able to provide constructive help, hope and healing, I beg of you to find something that will help you find the support you need to get through the crisis you are dealing with.

***

IF a picture is worth a thousand words, the above picture quote in this blog is worth about 10 million.

I’m not digressing by saying that, it just says as concisely and correctly as possible, how people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The target population of this blog, is physicians, other frontline workers, first responders who are at risk of suicide, not that I don’t hope that what I say could help anyone who may be in need, and while I’ve addressed multiple times for suicide prevention/awareness in society, I’ve only addressed this in physician populations only once before prior to the COVID-19 era.

As a non clinical professional who still in a roundabout way treats patients (bariatric surgical complication patients) but more of a last responder than a first one, having medical and mental health crisis due to my own bariatric complications that were unpleasant, unprecedented, life threatening and unpredictable even after they were no longer life threatening, for years that have left me for almost 1/3rd of my life now, to live a life with a new normal, I know but only a tiny bit but so well the struggle and the suffering.

Just like most medical professionals, frontline workers and first responders didn’t need COVID-19 to know the fragility and complexity of disease to humans, it’s just that now we are all are confronted by so much more unprecedented unpredictable crisis beyond what even the most stable of psyches couldn’t still possibly comprehend and process constructively, especially in a global state of crisis.

The thing first and foremost is the realization, you didn’t sign up for this, while none of us did, those who spent years in medical school or some formal medical, mental health or first responder training there was really no way to fully psychologically prepare any one regardless of specialty to the challenges and crisis professionally you’re all facing, let alone the personal ones.

If you took the Hippocratic Oath, that was to vow to not do intentional harm, it wasn’t to say that as much of a calling wanting to save others lives is, that it is to be at your own peril and the ones you love, all day, everyday with not just a lack of essential tools but no back up support in sight with all the unknowns that we still have with the pandemic.

The point I’m trying to make, is if the reason why you’re reading this, finding that you’re psychologically drowning in the abundance of others medical and psychological suffering, as well as your own, I’m not going to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel the way you feel.

Because you absolutely have every right to feel overwhelmed, overworked and unsupported and the devastation that comes with that  with no end that’s close in sight with the pandemic.

I’m also not going to throw out all the reasons why it’s wrong for you to be suicidal, that doesn’t help.

As well intentioned as hokey quotes like “put your hand over your heart and feel your heartbeat, that’s purpose and your life matters’ or harsher quotes that claim “suicide ends your suffering and just transfers it to another”, that ain’t probably going to help either, it’s  just going to make you feel worse.

What I am going though to now ask of you, is where you are now, emotionally?

Thinking about suicide, as a possible path out of your suffering? Actually having a plan, with means and a date and your reasons regardless if you’ve wrote them out or not?

Now I am going to ask you that if you are acutely suicidal and are unwilling to seek out professional help, that if you cannot bear right now to see that suicide is not the only path that’s left for you yet, to at least think about postponing it, where you are willing to try and understand better the trauma and grief that’s behind that current chosen path for you as a Plan A and maybe for the time being, make it a Plan B,C,D,E or never, but you may not be ready not to have it as an option.

One thing that is not talked about in the complexity of suicidality, is that while grief and trauma play into it, there is that part where when some of us who’ve tried to die by suicide, it was a misplaced sense of knowing and finding comfort that our suffering would finally be over.

This is not the place but it bears mention, as I’m duty bound and ethically committed to doing right by people in crisis and I don’t want to hurt anyone who might be reading this blog, who’s lost a loved one due to suicide, where again you’re not the target audience for this blog and I do address that in other blogs of mine.

The hopes that I have for physicians, nurses, first responders who are suicidal is that they ideally will get the help they need from others.

But if there is an unwillingness to do that, to try and honor the grief one is experiencing and the trauma and hopefully it will spark the realization that your life right now being in jeopardy, is the priority and hopefully getting you to see that the tools you have to save others lives can be directed in saving your own life, if there is an unwillingness to get professional help.

There is more initiatives now that see the psychological toll but there has to be more plans in place to get more medical staff in the frontlines, not just because of concern that is justified with frontline staff getting COVID-19, as well as other medical health issues that don’t stop just because of the pandemic but because burnout and suicide in physicians and frontline, first responders was an issue prior to the pandemic.

Please know that if you’re a physician, frontline and/or first responder who’s despondent there is help and hope for you, the peace though you desperately need right now, can happen in small doses, as the trauma this has caused, isn’t close to being over either in society or in your psyche but progress can be made where despair isn’t all consuming, as I’m not going to lie and say that it’s a matter of mindset that’s causing your horrific suffering, or that how you feel is going to completely go away soon, as it may not. as it’s the trauma, grief and fear of helplessness and being so overwhelmed in such unprecedented circumstances that cause the despondency and working to overcome it where it isn’t a risk to your life, as far as suicide, will take time, trying a combination of therapies.

And again, I’m so sorry for all of you being so tested and for your sacrifice and suffering the trauma you’ve experienced and your grief.

I hope and pray  though you can find it within yourself your value as a human first, as well as a healer that deserves to take time you may need to work on your own healing before you can save more lives but if you never save another life but your own, I hope you can see the heroes that you are and have always been and always will be.

I can’t stress again, I hope you get outside professional help but if you can’t, I hope you give yourself the dedication and attention to saving your own life like you would with another.

Sending peace and love and hopes and prayers that those who need it will accept that from me and so many who are wanting to help, having some understanding of why you are where you are emotionally…

The unprecedented #mentalhealth crisis that #COVID19 presents now and will continue to provide after it’s contained…

http://www.befrienders.org

The next pandemic will be in mental health


https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/04/politics/what-matters-april-3/index.html

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

Important Disclaimers: I am not a medical or mental clinically trained professional, if someone is in danger of hurting themselves and/or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

Okay, back up to a few days before Valentine’s Day 2020.

My boyfriend comes home from work where he works for a global shipping company, and asks me “Guess what we’re getting slammed with in packages???”…

I reply back “Guns”.

He’s like “how did you know???”…

Because by then, that Wuhan based physician who tried to warn us about the virus had already passed away.

Because while I’m  not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor do I have any form of education in public safety, that in an uncertain time, that has become even more uncertain and scary to so many in the last 6 weeks , a gun would give stable people, possibly a feeling of some control, in a constructive way to protect their people and their possessions.

It would give those who were less stable, a tool to feel more in control in what was looking to possibly be to them, more uncertainty than they could bear.

You see now those who are reporting the news are in the news because of COVID-19.

We’ve seen famous, wealthy, noteworthy  and/or health people succumb to the damage the virus causes, as well as the first responders and frontline health workers become infected, some passing away, but everyday fighting to save other people’s lives, in circumstances most of us could’ve NEVER seen coming unless one is Bill Gates or was the genius that was Dr. Stephen Hawking.

We’ve seen people licking toilets or coughing in public saying they have COVID-19 whether they do or not.

We’ve seen people who know they have COVID-19 or suspect it and  not warn others, not social distance for what would be reasonable reason normally, such as having a loved one in the hospital and wanting to be there for them or unreasonable and unconscionable reasons to spread the virus.

Law Enforcement has seen an increase in domestic violence calls.

You have people who can’t seek acute care either without risk or even in epicenter like NYC now (and for some time) patients dying in unprecedented circumstances and their loved ones and medical professionals responses and their own suffering and knowing that here in the U.S., the feeling of being in crisis will have it’s effect on people.

I’ve been very blessed that everyone I love the most so far, is okay.

And today was supposed to be for my own mental health, a day where I took a break from watching the news but even the little I’m online or offline, as I got out today which is rare but was needed as I had prescriptions and food to get, there’s a reminder everywhere of the challenges COVID-19 has presented.

As others have said, we can’t just look for the helpers, like Mr. Rogers was famous for comforting us, we have to be the helpers, if we can.

And if one can’t help, at least be careful as they are capable of, to not to do any further harm to one another.

I can’t stress how important though it can help, that if you can just positively help someone is that you do so when you can.

Sometimes doing that is just reminding one another that we care and you see many initiatives online and off, that is doing this.

Sometimes, though it’s more sad and scary, but necessary to say at times, that people have to be just as vigilant about their mental fitness and agility, as some are with their physical health and fitness and realize some aren’t in control of either and/or the risks they present to others and be prepared for that and the unexpected in people and in patients that may have been physically and mentally fit in the past.

As sometimes medical crisis can cause mental health ones and I would know about that, almost better than anyone, unfortunately.

As much as we can try to convey and we can’t stop, that we’re in this together, there are so many factors here that will provide mental health challenges and crisis, that while may not rival  the medical crisis we’re in, that we still have to personally and as a community, professional or not, have to actively and constructively prepare for, both in ourselves and with others and we’re going to have to do this in a manner that’s  consistently, comprehensively and with patience and vigilance going forward as we all adjust and evolve because of the devastation and challenge that COVID-19 has now presented to everyone globally.

Kindness and patience with ourselves and with one another, while has always been important, is going to be of utmost importance, now, as we try hard to move forward.

griefyard…

quotescover-JPG-34

http://www.befrienders.org

Emotional Wellbeing During the COVID-19 Outbreak

This blog is with the intent to provide some kind of showing of care, concern and comfort for those who are suffering or feeling some level of grief stricken in time of global loss of life and sudden major change of life circumstances that are filled with uncertainty.

I’ve found while above song that I’m linking is perfect as it is, in the chorus “bring them all back to life”, I’ve added in my head “please don’t let them die” and “please let them all stay alive”, help me identify the sense of empathy I have for those who are suffering, and a desire to show caring, even though there’s so next to nothing I can do, other than that and identify how demoralizing it can feel so powerless.

As well give safe space  for  humans to help stay united, in our joined humanity and caring for others, that just putting out there that others have concern and compassion, can hopefully help someone who needs gentle reminding in time of suffering, that others care enormously about them and their loved ones and their losses.

Anyways I’m so sorry for those who are suffering for so many different reasons and I’m so  terribly sorry for your loss.

#MISANDRY IS ALWAYS UNACCEPTABLE!

https://m.eonline.com/amp/news/1084698/miley-cyrus-shades-liam-hemsworth-during-instagram-live-with-cody-simpson

Oh no, SHE didn’t!!!

Unfortunately, OH YES SHE DID!!!

I’m talking about celebrity Miley Cyrus, who I normally like and respect  as an artist and activist, went on an androphobic rant that could have potential setbacks for the LGBTQIA community, which that I won’t even address that, in this blog.

SO, I’ll just stick to the misandry and potential androphobic comments she made on social media this last weekend, on Instagram.

Actually, those comments weren’t potentially androphobic they were full of her own misandry issues and  ANDROPHOBIC!!!

It’s not my place to analyze  of WHY she would say what she did about men, on such a broad damning spectrum.

However, it IS my place, to call it out, when someone has that amount of influence, although it would be wrong even if someone had NO influence, when it  can be so harmful and wrong to any population of people, with what they say.

And it’s even worse, in our society today, where in case of  bias against men, it’s still repulsively so acceptable to do that to a man, just because they’re a man.

I’ve said in past blogs, that it’s not okay to hold all men accountable, for the repugnant behavior of some of them.

As women rape and assault  other women, as well as men, kill and emotionally and physically abuse, too.

I learned this a long time ago, when learning fully to accept LGTBQIA issues and rights, in my very  early 20’s, even though I never hated gay people or gay issues, I just had trouble understanding them.

I used to do volunteer work in a battered women’s shelter as a crisis phone line operator, which gave some time, to talk to some of the residents.

I remember one time there was a resident there, who was explaining her history, that she had been raped multiple times  from the time she was a young child to her late teens by her biological father and she got pregnant.

She wasn’t in that shelter though because of the rapist dad, she was in there because her female partner battered her.

My initial thought, being so naive at 20, was sadness that in that case, thinking how she could possibly trust anyone, with so much trauma, going forward for her.

Then I realized , hopefully she could find someone eventually, male or female to trust.

Trauma can be caused by anyone of any gender, race, religion, weight, political affiliation and of any age to anyone, depending on who they are dealing with.

It’s NOT being misogynist by point that out, that it should be completely unacceptable, to demonize any population of people.

INCLUDING men !!

I can’t believe in late 2019, that I, a disabled reclusive activist, has to point out that if it’s NOT okay to gender bash women (which it definitely isn’t ), it’s most certainly NOT okay, to gender bash, perpetuate dangerous myths and hate on men, just because they are men!!!

Note: Comments that aren’t constructive, will NOT be posted…

In defense of #HCMC ‘s Ketamine study and possibly protocol for potentially violent and violent patients…

Workplace Violence in Healthcare: What Does the Data Say?

https://bringmethenews.com/minnesota-news/hennepin-healthcare-vows-improvements-after-review-into-ketamine-use-on-police-subjects

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: My normal disclaimers do NOT apply as far as my NOT being a  clinically trained medical and mental health professional or NOT being trained in law enforcement and/or public safety, as this blog addresses the safety threats to first responders and healthcare professionals locally, but this is a dialogue that above study  in first link, that addresses on a national level, the threat that healthcare workers are up against with patients who are ALREADY in an acute facility for evaluation and treatment when in mental  and/or medical crisis or combination there of or that first responders are potentially in danger, when responding to a crisis call.

I have in NUMEROUS blogs, advocated for patients rights, in this case though, as in a few other blogs that I’ve written, the patients that I’m advocating for ARE the first responders and healthcare providers that are in danger when verbal de-escalation techniques may not be the most effective, which can not only jeopardize a patient in who is in medical and mental health crisis, but the first responders and healthcare providers who are trying to stabilize them.

There are already local and national activists who advocate for verbal de-escalation, I don’t agree and I think someone who isn’t a peer as a first responder or healthcare worker needs to advocate for safety of people who work in these professions.

If this is a topic as a patient, that could be triggering, please do not read.

***

About 8 months ago, I blogged about a less than ideal encounter at Hennepin Healthcare’s emergency department, from the perspective of a patient, where I felt that I had been unfairly labeled and was also given prescription high strength ibuprofen that I never filled, as a patient who had a gastrointestinal bleed history and NSAIDs are an AWFUL treatment option for me.

The rare 4 times I’ve been in the emergency department at that facility and ONLY at that facility in the last 5 years in their emergency department as a patient, truthfully before seeing above 2nd link or similar stories last year , when either in the waiting room or when roomed and waiting for care, truthfully, I had wondered why some very aggressive patients wandering around had NOT been sedated.

Not just for patient safety sake, both the patient themselves who were acting out and other potentially non violent sick patients who were being treated but for physicians, nurses, other hospital staff, as well as there is police and/or Hennepin County sheriffs at this facility.

I’ve also blogged several months ago about a nurse who was violently assaulted at Anoka Metro Regional Treatment Center and also  when 3 1/2 months ago a man who was under the influence of illegal substances had made a terroristic threat against my apartment building about blowing it up and also mentioned about wanting to kill me when he first saw me.

This is how I personally de-escalate situations when being harassed for money, sex and drugs.

I look the person in the eye, tell them I’m sorry that I can’t help them but that I don’t have any money, that I wish I had drugs but that I’m on probation and get drug tested (not true and all I’ll add to that, is my medication list is up to date at both FUMC and HCMC online resources as well as in my DNR/emergency  info in my phone) and depending on how agitated or aggressive they are, I’ll give them a cigarette and wish them well and go on my way.

OBVIOUSLY, clearly that’s a technique that NO first responder or any physician or nurse working with an unstable patient can actually  do.

I’m not the medical or mental whisperer, I realize that part of the reason, even dealing with extremely unstable people with a propensity to be violent, on a regular basis, is largely due to luck.

The big deal with Ketamine issue at HCMC was informed consent and some of the consequences with some of the patients needing to be intubated, afterwards.

The problem is that no one could say with absolute certainty that the patient would’ve been better off, the patients around them, the hospital staff and the first responders had they not been given Ketamine.

I clearly have a bias…

But the thing is, it’s not the hospital staff that if I have a patient encounter that I am not thrilled with the evaluation and treatment that scares me.

It’s the patients who are aggressive and agitated who pose a threat to staff and patients who aren’t sedated who scare me at HCMC, which I live 2 blocks away from and truthfully at  any hospital.

And those potential patients who are roaming in Minneapolis and St. Paul who are in crisis of some sort, who also I find terrifying.

I really have to wonder if those advocating on non medication interventions have ever been a patient, visitor or volunteer  at HCMC’s emergency department.

And in my case, I can just choose not to get treatment there, any longer, now that I have a DNR and just wait for my biannual medical visits with my longterm PCP of over 20 years in Princeton, a much smaller town, outside of the Twin Cities.

However HCMC’s  first responders, entire hospital staff and patients in medical crisis who don’t have a predisposition to ever be violent and either need a level 1 trauma center or hospital closest to them, don’t have that as an option, to opt out.

This is a topic that needs more discussion, when patients in crisis, who are potentially a threat to themselves, really can’t give informed consent and are potentially a threat to first responders, healthcare workers and innocent others, and the injury risks and rates HAVE to be reduced, if they can’t be eliminated, for healthcare workers.

Note:  Again, I welcome respectful differences of opinion, even if they are opposing. Anything that threatens the welfare of myself or any of my readers will be reported to the proper authorities.

Doing something ONCE but the consequences lasting FOREVER…

IMG_20190811_225107_552

(I wrote a poem on the eve of the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt and on the 5th anniversary of a death of a beloved icon. Cause I’m old school in the digital era, I typed the poem on my email vs. meme generators, then took a picture of it with my smartphone, uploaded it to my large android tablet with keyboard, cause I find most apps as well as smartphones to be that YUCKY, but that is how I am, my outlook with others, is you just do you, boo, OK? thanks/you’re welcome)

IMPORTANT Disclaimers: This blog is to achieve more of a personal something vs. activism goal. Given most of my activism is rooted in life and death medical and mental health issues and circumstances, I do take liberties personally when talking about my OWN mental health and medical issues that I wouldn’t with another.

If serious topics sometimes not taken so seriously that are wordy and with some profanity, are a trigger to anyone, please do not read this blog.

And as always, if you or someone you know is a danger to themselves or others, please contact in person emergency services in your area.

Anyhoo, let the whatever (not sure if this will be a somewhat serious blog, fun, mayhem, crazy, super wordy(looks like wordy, as I’m over 200 words in, in just my disclaimer) probably combination of, commence…

***
Sigh…

I guess this has to start somewhere, right?

And if you’re familiar with me, or my writing, ya know I digress.

A lot…

So anyhow I happened to be outside last Friday night (unusual for me, as I’m a recluse who spends 99% of time alone, in my apartment in the last 2 1/2 years) and this lady who happened to be helping my neighbor with something, on her way out, started a conversation with 2 of my neighbors and myself where we were watching construction (neverending, on my side of da Miniapple) at 9pm on a Friday night in front of our building.

Okay, I know she meant well.

She started out the conversation about keeping active and looking good for 52 and while my neighbors gave her a compliment, I didn’t. I didn’t want to explain why and say “you look good for any age” or give any thing away that could explain my former life at first.

When she asked us without verbatim of basically “how do people FUCKING end up in a really poor building in a really rich neighborhood???”, I just basically said I was a disabled non monetized blogger and my neighbors gave some version of their stuff.

I’ve gotten really good or really bad depending on how you look at it, at answering that question in the last 10 years.

If I wanted to keep guessing and on occasion when I get some form of that question, I could just say “x amount of years ago I was a size 2 Certified Personal Trainer” which I did end up saying to her is the reason why I blogged, before returning to my apartment last Friday night.

I don’t answer that way most of the time, even though the looks people give me, are nothing short of amazing, because it doesn’t do the life I had regardless of weight,  prior to 2008, absolutely any justice.

Especially the time of my life, that I was a working full time, proactive loving single mother of 2 children.

Which will always be the best time of my life, starting in 1992 when my only son was born, getting even better when his sister was born 10 1/2 years later and ENDING in August of 2008 when I gave up custody of  both of my children to my parents and tried to commit to suicide due to severe medical issues and mental health ones, 5 days later.

Today is the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt.

Which is in great detail in my very first blog on here, exactly 6 years ago.

Other than NOT dying, the consequences of my suicide attempt were pretty severe.

The same could be said of my gastric bypass and Mirena, my 2nd trial of Fentanyl, my 3rd trial of Topamax at different times after my gastric bypass reversal in 2010.

I’m not even going to mention all my other bizarre near death experiences outside of the realm of my control, prior to my gastric bypass in 2001, in this blog.

I started this blog for a few reasons.

Primarily, as I’ve said before, that what I went through and so unfortunately put those I love through, wasn’t in vain.

That topics that are stigmatized would be less so to help others, either in prevention of suffering or reducing it.

That my children had in my words, how much I love them, when my youngest who has no memory of my being a functional loving present mother and my oldest, who saw me at my best and worst, would have my words, if they ever needed them and I couldn’t articulate them any longer or when I’m no longer around.

But this is the mixed blessing of all of this, as 11 years later, I’m still reduced to only what I can SAY, to help others.

I’m not capable of doing the normal day to day stuff that other people do to SHOW others they love them.

I’ve said before, I don’t have a great life, even though I’m able to do some uncanny great things with these words I have.

I can help someone when they are suicidal because they have bariatric surgical regret and they want a gastric bypass reversal when it’s not medically indicated, on working through why it can’t help them.

I can help someone who NEEDS gastric bypass reversal to save their life, that they have to remain alive, if one of the fears they have is getting fat again after a reversal, for that to be an option.

I can help others who think those of us have bariatric surgery and think for those who advocate for it or against it (again I’m for it, a surgical intervention, like I am for opiates, when all other less invasive treatments have been exhausted) why people feel blessed and cursed, and for those of us who fall in the latter category, remind that bariatric surgery is supposed to enhance one’s life, not ruin it or take it away.

I don’t just stay in one lane when it comes to medical activism with bariatric surgery or with my “one and only” suicide attempt because I am much more than my own medical and mental health issues and so is everyone else and other’s health issues among many, such as cancer, need better treatment options, just like schizophrenia, does.

For someone who had to fight herself to die, 11 years ago and then had to fight so hard to stay alive less than 2 years later, I will be always be sad for what’s been really bad and grateful for what is good.

In my case I’m grateful I didn’t have a chance as not an attractive child to have preconceived notions of what my life would turn out being, I didn’t expect the extraordinary blessings and I couldn’t have in my worst nightmares think about what the bad stuff would look like.

And in the digital era that has served me well, to not want to hurt, be hurt to prepare for the unexpected, even though I will always fear it.

But this is my life and I’m more than the wordy gastric bypass reversed chick who nearly got committed for one and only suicide attempt and leads a small life that is peppered with some amazing things, circumstances and people and I’m committed to if I can’t help someone that I don’t hurt them.

Some people go their entire lives not knowing the damage they are capable of, or that they caused and/or they don’t care and while all humans hurt another, some do on a major scale without remorse.

I’m many things that I don’t particularly love, but am grateful that I’m NOT that.

And I’m not an evil coward. I help when I can and stay to myself otherwise, and that in my circumstances, has to be enough.

Even though it really isn’t.

How could it be???

But it is what it is….

Note: Anything that’s not constructive to me or anyone else, will be published.

 

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