It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for June, 2018

What it’s like to have lost control in ALMOST everything…

c52694c2f8432703bc5dca4dedf21df9

Disclaimers: This is more of a personal blog in its purpose, than to achieve any kind of activism goal, other than it will reinforce why I do choose to do the activism that I do.

I will discuss things that are very controversial, such as politics, weight issues, addiction, sensitive medical and mental health stuff and I will do so with some profanity.

If ANY of those topics are triggering to ANYONE, please DO NOT read.

Also note, my normal disclaimer still stands because I do talk about topics than can be a matter of life and death, I will always urge those who are in medical or mental health crisis or if you suspect someone is, to get clinically trained professional help in an an acute setting or contact emergency services.

And yeah, I know this is SUPER WORDY, the last quarter of the blog can help people who are collateral damage because of the opioid epidemic or how they respond to pain meds in severe chronic pain situations, so if you want to skip 75% of most of the blog, the last quarter might be able to help others recognize somethings that are critical in patient care of severe chronic pain patients both with disease and/or syndromes, that took me forever to figure out in myself.

Editorial Note: Updating blog 8 days after publishing, to be clear as the title of it, can be misleading. When I talk about loss of control, it’s circumstances being out of the realm of my control, not mental health related. I’m not thrilled at my current circumstances, which is explained in great detail below, but I’m quite mentally stable.

I’m sorry if the title of the blog could be misconstrued for others to think otherwise.

***

It made the news recently and it was a story that made me feel both vindicated AND sad.

It was the news item that the Disney movie “The Incredibles 2” had a medical warning.

While I’m lucky to not have epilepsy (I have migraines as well as 5 fucking other types of headaches, with neuro issues), I am super light and noise sensitive and even a non jarring movie, such as a rom-com, it’s not comfortable for me to watch movies or engage in most entertainment events in public, because I can’t control how my body reacts.

But even while the few people I still see on occasion, it’s hard for them to understand how I can do even less than I did 3 years ago, let alone what I was able to do 13 years ago.

It’s one thing to not be able to work anymore due to disabilities.

But while even most “spoonies” can understand that, it’s less understood how even fun events, ain’t so fun for me.

What made me sad about that news article is I was able to recall seeing very little of the first “Incredibles” movie when it came out.

I took my children to the theater, I still was an active mom, while quite sick then, where I took my 2 year old and my 13 year old to the movies, like many parents do and I spent most of the time chasing my 2 year old in the lobby, cause Zoe just couldn’t sit still and spent most of the time chasing her in the lobby.

I didn’t mind that memory when it happened and I find it so bittersweet, now.

Because it was SO normal.

I can only do very little and sporadically now, with “the trinity of my heart”, that would be my kids and my boyfriend and for example they all love Star Wars, my kids love movies though in general, more so than my boyfriend.

I’d try to explain, that it’s not just a lack of interest in the series that makes me not want to go with them (as I “wiki” the last 2 movies to be able to talk about them, as I can still read) , as I’d appreciate anything to bond with them over, it’s literally a waking physical nightmare to go to a movie like that.

My kids saw that  almost 2 years ago, when my daughter, in her school choir, sang the anthem at a home game for the Timberwolves, I literally buried my head in my hands, I couldn’t stand any part of what it takes to sit through a sports event, especially the noise and the lights.

But this is what the last few years have been like, NEVER thinking when I still think about where I was 10 years ago as a suicidal mother who was about to give up custody of her kids and then give up her life, 9 years ago when I still was stuck in the system and 8 years ago when I was trying to NOT die from my gastric bypass complications.

I didn’t think the status quo for me could be anymore limiting as I have my freedom and a life that’s so bizarrely but not hurtful in any way, that’s so lacking in being 1/100th of the person, let alone the parent I was 15 years ago.

Events in the last 2 years;

2016: Election year, which I knew wasn’t going to go my way, so to speak. The major surprise for me wasn’t on election night, it happened 3 weeks prior, when I found myself with a bedbug infestation that I ended up having to live with for 3 months because another resident 2 floors above me, didn’t report when they originally happened so they spread like bedbugs do, quite quickly when not reported or responded to, right away.

You’d think for someone who’s not Ms. Clean it wouldn’t bother me, but it was awful and horrifying, having to go to bed and live every waking moment in a bedbug infested house, every crevice of my apartment was swarming, it took weeks to get an exterminator and months to get rid of them.

Unfortunately by the time early 2017, by the time I didn’t have them any more, I didn’t have any peace of mind left, that’s the cruel but true reality when you live in affordable housing, in a lower income bracket, but some people have addiction issues that create constant barriers in them appreciating their housing and unfortunately do present a constant threat to others physical and emotional wellbeing and safety.

Because they don’t realize or don’t care about the risks of their freedom or their lives, due the nature of disease and they aren’t aware of how abnormal it is, to at least not try and hide it.

I’m not dissing low income or people with barriers, I’m saying though in a big city, it makes even more challenging to try and provide housing to people who may not show signs that they aren’t meant for living independently due to so many unfortunate for them circumstances that do effect others, adversely, too

2017: I had started using food as a coping mechanism in late 2016, because in addition to losing 1/2 my stuff and my peace of mind due to the events of 2016, eating a lot of carbs (not as much as you’d think, as I’m reversed but not of normal anatomy life I was prior to my gastric bypass). I gained 30 lbs.

But I could still walk. Not without a lot of pain both during and after a walk but meds still helped a little with pain.

Until late Fall of 2017 when I couldn’t walk more than 5 minutes without both back pain and feet pain being unbearable. Instead of being able to get in 5-8 miles a day, 3 to 4 times a week, I can’t risk walking at all because I literally cannot bear the feet and back pain, so I got even more restricted both physically and mentally in what I could do.

The Holiday Season of 2016, and  my birthday fell in (it’s 12-2) was effected because I couldn’t go anywhere because of the bedbugs without taking major precautions, so I was home a lot, even though I could still walk, I also was living in having whatever materials goods I had left of them being, packed.

As I threw out over 1/2 my stuff with the infestation.

Holiday Season of 2017 couldn’t go anywhere because my body was broken and it broke most of the spirit I had left.

I woke up on my birthday, almost 8 months ago, at 1 am, with the fire alarms going off in my building, one of my neighbors above me got in a fight with her boyfriend and set his hoodie on fire, it caused all the sprinklers systems to go off and my apartment was again flooded (I had even a more major flood in 2013, due to resident behavior).

And the result in 2018, is another 30 lbs that I honestly don’t give a fuck about. I just don’t want to gain more weight and I feel helpless ever since I lost the ability to walk effectively for more than 5 minutes and that I can’t go out, unattended due to my severe physical reaction to pain and stimuli, as well as what it’s like to live with people who have barriers and addiction issues who don’t realize the consequences it has on themselves, let alone anyone else.

So I know fully why I turned to food, it’s something I need, that perishes and it’s less likely to be adversely effected by other people’s behaviors, even though the weight gain didn’t effect originally my ability to be active, it does effect my comfort now.

While all those things caused me to lose all hope (except the fucking weight gain that I don’t care about but don’t want to gain anymore weight, because even if I became the most zen person possible, I could gain another 500 lbs and not only would I still not want bariatric surgery, which I still defend, I still probably wouldn’t be eligible, given my unique circumstances with my gastric bypass) , at least personally, I still have purpose and while I’ll explain that in greater detail, as an activist, while you need BOTH hope and purpose to have a shot of a decent life, you have to have at least ONE of  them to mentally STILL have a life, in my case becoming more unrecognizable and way more unpleasant (even though I’m grateful for what is good, such as those I love the most being alive, the little I can do, etc.).

So I have some meaningful purpose still, but not much else.

In 2018, with the opioid epidemic being a true crisis and realizing that I have a strong tolerance to them,  led me to find out something that’s not talk about much and that I think it’s playing into my pain issues, as my current high dose was no longer working and I could understand to an extent, why my physician didn’t want to increase my meds (this is discussed in much greater detail in a previous blog).

As well as other’s issues with chronic pain, drug abuse, addiction, overdose and the criminal and adverse physical and psychological circumstances that most people are touched by when it comes to opioid epidemic.

It’s a medical phenomenon called “Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia”.

What it means in layman’s terms, is that people either become resistant to analgesic effects of pain medications or the opioids themselves make the pain response worse in both patients who have any kind of injury or disease or peripheral pain response is worsened by the use of opiates, so not only if one is tolerant to opiates they don’t work well , they have the double whammy of making their awful horrible pain, even worse.

Again, I’m not a doctor, that’s my interpretation of the clinical of OIH, it’s not to be taken in any other way, then making it clear, in my not clinically trained highly opinionated self, that if a patient thinks a provider has addiction bias in their treatment, they could be clearer in concerns of  prescribing opioids, even as a last resort, because even patients who are terminal, are suffering, as well as the severe chronic pain population due to the OIH phenomenon, as well as that could be the cause in patients who self medicate with an unreasonable amount of opioids that they unfortunately overdose on.

The most shocking thing when I realized that in me, is why I didn’t recognize it sooner, when researching the clinical in opioid tolerance,  I don’t respond well to most medications, in most therapy classes or I can have such polarized different responses in medications the SAME therapy class.

But I’ve always been medically challenging prior to being put on opioids, whether it’s with anesthesia, analgesics  or again, all those other medications.

What makes me madder and more frustrated, is that how did NO physician recognize that in me or the fact it’s so easy to suspect drug abuse or addiction in a patient like me where I’m not known for my compliance but I honestly don’t behave in a manner either, that’s known for in drug abuse or addiction.

But I look at my being, even at the age of 48 being closer to the end of my life (vs. being mid life, again, I’m not suicidal, I think something major is being missed and I now have a notarized DNR that’s clear in no life saving or life extending measures of any kind) , as much as it sucks mentally and physically to realize that I’m going to probably continue to live and die in a horribly painful and even more limiting life manner and how it’s also negatively effected those I love, and how much this fucking sucks, this blog today is about that.

This going forward  though in the future, will be to HELP  others.

And it was it to me the sickest fucking cruelest joke ever personally, is that I could control to an extent even with my gastric bypass complications and mental health issues, was my serotonin  because the ONLY high that I’ve ever experienced was from intense exercise, when I used to work out at an athletic level circa 2004-2007 and could’ve been a great sub-specializing in adaptive and rehabilitative fitness as a CPT, had not all this happen to me, as well as productive mother.

And being able to exercise that way, did make me a better parent before my complications and my circumstances made me be such a crappy one.

So this is where I figuratively stand right now, because literally standing and walking is way too painful most of the time (yes, I am grateful I still have my legs, though)  after my life events and the events of the last 2 years, where I can’t control much around me nor can I control the abnormal physical responses my body has to the most basic of stimuli:

I hope though going forward,  to continue being an activist for a more patient tailored approach to medicine and am appalled that there aren’t more resources for control of pain and resolution of more diseases and syndromes.

And to continue to write about that we as a society have to become more focused on mental health and removing the stigma of it, lifelong, starting when people are young, to help other people get evaluated and treatment for their issues that pose a threat to their lives or others.

Truthfully, it’s highly unlikely that I’m going to win the battles or the wars mentioned directly above, in my lifetime.

But setting at least somewhat of a foundation that can help others, is what I hope my legacy will be.

So please try to harder to understand with empathy, not necessarily me, but people like me, where we’re all trying to do the best we absolutely can, depending on our circumstances.

And as you can see not ONLY do our circumstances vary amongst us, they can quite vary IN us, if my life is to be any example of that.

Note: Again, this was a wordy blog, I get it. I’m looking for constructive dialogue. I’m not looking for any kind of personal  help or advice.

Especially the kind of advice that’s food or fitness related.

And moving unfortunately isn’t an option, unless I win the lottery or figure out a way to make a lot of money with the disability sets that I have.

And in case it’s not evident and crystal clear in this blog, the meme featured is an example of how my life cannot be problem/resolution, and/or “set a goal til it’s completed oriented”.

Personally, professionally and most heartbreaking for me as a parent, is why I can’t be that way any longer.

I get that most people it’s unrelatable, this is for the few who can relate to at least some if it.

And for everyone else who judges because they can’t relate, to maybe make them more apathetic if they can’t be empathetic.

Because hopefully now it makes more sense how I am way more physically and mentally exhausted as a disabled person in a household of one, then I EVER was as a gainfully employed loving single mother of 2 and I needed the extra 2500 words of why, to explain that or why it’s not good to judge things just based upon what you think you see on the surface…

Thanks!!!

Editorial Note: I know the above was so wordy, but what is quite inspiring and gives me purpose as an activist is the life and work of Dr. Paul Kalanithi who wrote “When Breath Becomes Air”. I can’t believe someone who’s being and work can still inspire me as an activist that I thought of when I wrote this blog but failed to mention a the time I published this, even though his life and his work was a partially influential and in importance to this blog being written.

I think anyone who wants to see both the best and most tragic in human nature, but organically so, such as the devastation of cancer, especially in a person who could’ve himself as he had the skill and desire to help humans cure medical tragedies, could be possibly helped, if not being inspired by reading the book.

I guess I look at it, I can’t be like him or his wife, but I think most of us, can do even if it’s a little amount, to try and help someone else, especially if they’re inspired by someone’s legacy, whether it’s a loved one or a complete stranger who’s story inspired or helped you.

Again, I know this was super wordy.

I had to evaluate the benefit of writing this badly versus not writing it at all.

 

Advertisements

An Open Letter to #CNN

DMauvvuWAAEUmxK

Dear CNN,

As a medically, mentally and cognitively disabled activist, who blogs about mental health issues, especially suicide prevention,  I commend what you’ve done in the last 4 days in trying to make an effort to raise awareness about suicide prevention, as well as I’m saddened and concerned as far as as the issue of suicide contagion, which you’re also discussing.

So many outlets now, in addition to CNN are starting to talk about suicide prevention initiatives without stigma and that’s commendable, too.

Your organization in the last 20+ hours, did a beyond commendable  job in trying to help with suicide prevention, even prior to the passing of Anthony Bourdain, yesterday,  in where you had mental health professionals who discussed openly without stigma on raising suicide awareness prevention, the day before he died.

In addition to that, while trying to provide a safe and supportive  place for not only your employees who are grieving the loss of a beloved co-worker, who was beloved by so many, including anyone who’s life was touched by Anthony Bourdain, even if they may not ever had the privilege to have met him but still felt they knew him, as well as trying to support his grief stricken friends, many who were also established and well respected people who are also famous, by giving them a safe and supportive safe place to talk about their heartbreaking loss.

The one thing I’ve tried to do in my activism, that I do by blogging, is also trying to support families, especially children, who lose a parent, if not parents by suicide.

I also know this, because I was a mother, where almost 10 years ago, I did try to commit suicide.

So I try to remove stigma both personally and as an activist but lack the credentialling that is needed, because I’m not a clinically trained professional and in my case, while I hope to help save lives with honest talk about suicide for those need it or for those who lost loved ones from it, I don’t want to be well known.

But it’s more terrifying for me to think that so many grieving families aren’t as supported as they could be, so it’s worth the risk to potentially lose my privacy and/or anonymity in public.
.

And while I love my children more than anything, and in my case I was in both medical and mental health crisis and I didn’t love myself and I thought everyone was better off without me, which when talking so open and honestly has helped others.

And while I’m not trying to make this about me, I only do what I do to help others learn from it and for hopefully to reduce the chances of  what happened to those I love the most, it wasn’t in vain and it has helped other people.

The point I’m trying to make, is with your reach and access to resources, I do hope you in the coming days, address with clinically trained professionals on how we can best support children who’ve lost their parents or other people who’ve lost parents, spouses and other loved ones.

If this was something you planned on doing, I apologize in advance, as well as I hope other media outlets, in addition to now supporting and educating on suicide prevention, will also discuss on how we can support families but in with special regards to children, who are beyond devasted and can’t comprehend that the loss of their parent this way, in absolutely NO way, reflects the abundance of love of those who they leave behind but they can’t understand without more support services and without our society destigmatizing suicide and other mental health issues that are fatal to people.

As well as reduce the risk that for some families, sadly this can become a history that tragically sometimes repeats itself, if not comprehensively addressed with professional guidelines, we’ve already seen that in the past, with some celebrity suicides.

So hopefully you will choose or already have planned on having mental health professionals discuss on your network, of  how to support families and friends  that have to go through these tragedies, and by doing  this will start a desperately needed dialogue that has to go hand in hand with suicide prevention initiatives.

Respectfully, Lisa

An Open Letter to Val Kilmer…

i-dont-have-to-agree-with-you-to-like-you-or-respect-you-quote-1

Yo Val,

I usually live my life, according to quote, pictured above.

I felt bad when I heard you had throat cancer.

And I’m happy for you, that you’re in remission.

I’ve never talked about you or thought over the years, cause I have kind of an actual personal reason to dislike you, that extends beyond the fact you were like the fucking WORST Batman, like ever.

Instead of trying to make comments regarding a certain celebrity, who just sadly passed on Friday, June 8th, 2018, that DOES NOT help anyone, just PLEASE shut the fuck up, ok?

And ya wanna know why I know you can be a complete asshole???

23 years ago, I used to work for a company that was subcontracted by BA, where we managed their frequent flyer program.

And so 23 years ago, I went to work, UNPAID and off the clock, cause you were making your personal assistant, absolutely MISERABLE, over a few thousand frequent flyer miles, that YOU failed to properly claim.

So instead of disrespecting someone who just died and their loved ones, friends and fans, maybe just worry about not being a dick to people in your own circle, OK?

You wanna help people???

Maybe try doing activism for throat cancer prevention.

But with like Batman movies AND suicide prevention, you kinda suck at it.

So fucking knock it off, OK?

Respectfully, ME and 90% of the universe…

How to help those who are suicidal when they DO NOT want anyone to know that they are….

inspirational quotes suicidal person Best of lost black and white depressed depression sad suicidal suicide

1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Hotline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
http://www.befrienders.org (for people who live outside the U.S)

Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained professional in medical or mental health issues. I will always urge someone if they or someone they love is capable of hurting and/or killing themselves or others, to seek immediate professional help in appropriate acute facility or call 911 or emergency services in your country of residence.
***

Because of the type of activism I do, when people talk about those who they love who’s depression was fatal to them, the hardest answer I have to give (see above disclaimer) as a non professional, is when they tell me that the loved one did that and there were no clear cut signs.

In fact, they seemed happy or at peace.

I’m not the only mental health activist I’m sure to point one tragically heartbreaking thing to admit, to those who’ve never struggled with suicidal ideation, can’t comprehend.

If someone you love or care a lot about, has been struggling with severe depression and even regardless if they’re on medications and have been evaluated and are actively seeking treatment, is still struggling and then all of a sudden, they seem so much better, one of the most hard things to understand is that they can APPEAR to be doing okay, if not great.

That happens because for some and some people between illness and depending on how much suffering they are going through and how well they hide it are happy, not because they are getting help, but because they’ve decided to end their suffering, once and for all.

(Important Note: I’m going to stop here, on purpose, I had written the above, YESTERDAY and had  felt this was going to get too  wordy, when I woke up this morning, I found out that another celebrity this week,  had died by suicide.

The sad irony is, this blog I only attempted to start writing yesterday, after seeing a psychologist interviewed on CNN where she discussed missed signs of the suicidal, but didn’t address this one. I’m in NO WAY discounting the importance of clinically trained professional help or input. And CNN did do a better job of suicide awareness on their website today, due to a loss of an admired contributor of theirs today, due to suicide)

What again, is that sign???

The person seemed HAPPY.

People who are balanced and genuinely happy, their depression doesn’t become fatal for them, at least at risk of it being caused by their own despair and then their own action that leads to their death.

The bizarre phenomena of why people miss this in suicidal loved ones who don’t want anyone to know that they’re suicidal, is because they mistake relief for happiness.

Or sadly and it’s hard to explain to those who aren’t or haven’t ever been suicidal, they ARE actually happy,  because they know their suffering is going to end, because they’ve specifically made a plan and usually means and a date and they are relieved, if not overjoyed to know their suffering is going to end.

It’s also compounded with the trickiness of even the most mentally balanced person who still suffers mental illness and/or from severe depression and anxiety, of NOT wanting having to hear of all the reasons why it’s NOT okay to take their life/die from suicide/depression being fatal to them and they go out of their way to show their doing okay, if not great, because they either in lapse of ration of their own wellbeing and  don’t want to hear it and/or people don’t know how to help them, so they don’t ask because they don’t know how or what to say, if they’re in trouble and they’re too afraid of the potential ramifications should they be honest of how devastatingly depressed and devoid of hope that they are experiencing.

And again, while no one is to blame if someone’s depression is deadly to themselves, if they’ve heard another, say “suicide is the easy way out” or anything that could cause further depression and guilt, those of us who know people who feel that way, are less likely to share how much they’re unbearably hurting inside.

And the stigma is bad enough, it’s worse in people who are suicidal and are a parent, where it’s thought even more so to be the ultimate act in selfishness.

I’m not trying to make an argument for someone to die from suicide, I’m trying to explain for those who NEVER have thought about it, why some people die that way or why some of us TRIED, even though we have loved ones that we were going to leave behind.

There is a time sensitivity to this blog, as usually when there is celebrity suicides, such as what happened this week and with Robin Williams, there’s an increase in non celebrity suicide deaths.

In this case, I’m going to concentrate on just  TWO of many,  major factors with some people and it usually is a factor in both, when it comes to celebrities or high powered people who die due  to suicide.

They just lost a loved one either by death or breakup and they don’t get help because of stigma and/or they don’t think their suffering isn’t going to end without them dying.

In addition to people who are at risk from suicide, needing professional help, sometimes the person, such as in a long term (or even short term) loving relationship, even lovingly and thoughtfully dissolved can increase risk of death, in addition that stigma of suicide and mental health can create a deadly situation.

I need to be clear, again,  it’s no one’s fault, when people die this way, as far as death by suicide, when a relationship ends.

I need to be clearer, sometimes the person, in addition to needing acute intensive professional help but who won’t get it, the person who cannot help them, sometimes, if not a lot of times, is the person who is a party of a relationship issue.

And it’s no one’s fault.

If that’s the case, a if you suspect someone is in danger to themselves, you can safely intervene, either softly and sensitively  by getting someone else (i.e. a good friend to that person, family member who’s sensitive to depression issues who will not resort to using guilt (this is why it’s best to get professional help, if you really suspect oneself or a loved one is suicidal) to personally talk to that person, and ask if they are thinking and/or wanting to die, only if it’s safe to do so or you can always contact above resources on the top of this blog for support and/or contact emergency services.

As while I’ve talked about this more in past blogs and will continue to do so, in future blogs, in addition to suicide prevention, which is something I am an activist for, I can NOT be any clearer when I say, sometimes you’ll/we’ll  miss signs because there wasn’t any signs to miss.

But it can’t hurt those you love by reminding them you’re a safe person to talk to, if they ever need it, whether they’re in crisis or not.

So let’s just keeping  about this more, in hopes to help those in crisis and those who love/d them, without any stigma, in hopes to physically and emotionally save lives,OK?

Note: Anything that’s not constructive to my readers or myself, will NOT be published.

Additional Note: I purposely, in honor of those who are celebrities who died of suicide this week, and will be now in the news constantly, did NOT want to name them, out of respect for them and their families.

Or for anyone who’s lost a loved one, while I can say as an activist in this blog on ideas or hopes for suicide prevention, to honor those who we lose and their loved ones, you honor their lives and the love you had for them, going forward, society should not sensationalize, condemn and/or dishonor them, in who they were and/ or  the way they died.

 

I hereby declare, from this date going forward…

sleepingangel_princessdiana

Disclaimers: There aren’t any. This is a positive personal blog. Won’t be wordy, either.

This is my 200th blog, but that’s not why it’s a big deal, today.

Or at least it’s diminished in today’s date’s significance for me, which I’m okay with.

While, I’ll only share the details briefly, as I’ve discussed the actual circumstances in greater detail, in other blogs, here it goes.

22 years ago, when I was a 26 year old single mother of one young son, I worked for Carlson Marketing Group on an account subcontracted by British Airways, where we managed their Frequent Traveller Programme for the United States, at that time.

June 6th, 1996, I boarded BA296 from Chicago O’Hare to London Heathrow where I was seated in their newly renovated Club World (business class and it was AWESOME).

Less than 45 minutes later, so DID Princess Diana.

Should she not have boarded that flight, today’s date still would be happily significant, especially given where I am both personally and professionally, 22 years later, given my unique life circumstances.

However in 1996, I had a a life that I was happy and proud busy single mother of 1, who I was happy to go home to, so while I shared my Princess Diana story, it wasn’t as significant as it is now.

In 2006, my life was even better, as a single mother of 2 amazing children, a 13 1/2 boy and a 3 year old girl, even though I was sick then, but life had a promise and hope.

I’m not looking for empathy, because I don’t have that anymore, even though as far as being a mother, prior to 2008, that will forever be the best part of my life, if my children don’t believe anything other that I ever said or that I ever did, I truly hope they believe how much I loved them then and how much I will love them, forever.

And that I’ve always done the best I could, even though they deserved better.

So sharing a flight with Princess Diana on BA296, will ALWAYS be a magical experience to me, only 2nd, to being Zachary and Zoe’s mother.

But because I don’t have any other established other milestones other than that, to feel as intensely amazing, like that and I will never again, I’m just going to celebrate BOTH, today.

So on this day going forward, I hereby personally proclaim and will revel in what’s been magical in my life, on this date, going forward and when I really need it.

And even giving myself, a tiny bit of credit, in hopes to help others, that what was awful for us, didn’t happen in vain.

Cheers!!!

Note: Feel free to share what was a (or a few)  magical moments for you on this date or any day or date…

p.s. It again, can’t be a wls, that’s for your own good 😉
p.s.s. It can be though, a memory or major milestone in non weight accomplishments, as a result of wls. You’re welcome.

In hopes of that #KateSpade didn’t die in vain….

national-suicide-prevention-lifeline-tm-1-800-273-talk-8255-suicidepreventionlifeline-org-if-you-25731790

http://www.befrienders.org (International Suicide Prevention services outside the United States)

Important Disclaimers: I’m NOT  a clinically trained medical or mental health professional. IF you or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others or potentially suicidal, please seek professional clinical help, immediately or contact 911.

I sadly learned way more about Kate Spade after her death yesterday, than I knew about her when she was alive, other than she created beautiful accessories.

I sadly learned way more information, all of us did after her tragic death, as far as in the circumstances regarding it,  than what we should’ve been privy to.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite, in the respect that I think her closest family and friends are due privacy, due to their tragic loss by writing about it, now.

What I hope to accomplish, because I am, so it wasn’t in vain, because details that shouldn’t be public are, that whether it’s famous people or non famous people, relationship problems are becoming more deadly, when people are experiencing romantic heartbreak, to  partner/s , parents, children both young and old, if not wiping out entire families, if not tragically ending other people’s lives, as well.

We HAVE to do better as a society from removing stigma and talking about how to better handle and cope with relationship heartbreak, rejection and rage and maybe then we can have some hope in reducing these senseless tragedies.

Because this is happening both with people who have known mental health issues and those who where there was NO known mental health issues and just suddenly “snapped” without any warning (which sometimes is truly the case, even if it wasn’t in this instance, depending on whether or not people closest to Kate who have talked and maybe SHOULD NOT have, publically), this can’t and shouldn’t continue to be an everyday occurance.

I can only hope going forward, we FINALLY have the important conversations in our society that we need to have, that we remove stigma from relationship endings and/or mental illness and that people can feel they can get evaluated and proper treatment for their depression, to reduce the chances of it  being potentially, if not actually being fatal to them and possibly others, without feeling stigmatized.

My thoughts are with Kate’s  (and anyone who might be triggered somehow or can relate) family, friends and fans.

Peace…

Note: Please, constructive feedback, ONLY. Thanks!!!

Physicians with biases ARE physicians who HARM, even if it’s unintentional…

 

images

Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained or credentialed medical or mental health professional. NOTHING I say should EVER be taken in lieu of professional medical and/or mental health evaluation or treatment of ANY condition.

I can ONLY put my opinions, where I hope to help people, where I have in guiding them, at the very best, simultaneously,  at the same time to get the best medical or mental health treatment, from trained clinical professionals, in an appropriate setting , such as what I do with gastric bypass patients in various scenarios with gastric bypass reversals, among other things.

BUT,  what I have to say about how various biases carried by physicians and the potential for physical and emotional harm, still needs further civil, respectful and responsible but sometimes when appropriate, critical discussion, not ONLY by patients but the actual medical and mental health professionals within their own  communities.

I ONLY believe though, when dealing with a provider who one might feel is showing bias that effects one’s care,  of discussion of potential  misbehavior, if  one feels that they’re being treated unfairly or unreasonably, because of that bias (I’m talking about appointments, not to the point where blatant physical or emotional malpractices have occurred) of filing a grievance, if a discussion doesn’t resolve the issue and/or finding another physician.

It is NEVER okay to threaten the emotional or physical wellbeing of anyone, including a physician or any provider, for biases and if depending on the degree of physical and/or emotional harm has occurred, if that’s an actual issue, there’s legal remedies one can look into and/or take.

That’s it, making or threatening a physician’s physical and emotional safety and wellbeing is NEVER okay (more will be elaborated about that, in the content of this blog).

Also note, I have people I associate with where they may find my communication style at best, offensive, because I’m kind of open with my various disabilities and with those disabilities, it’s difficult for me to be concise or write well, even if this topic definitely needs discussion and resolutions.

***

All I wanted to do last weekend,  was to  have an okay weekend.

Let me explain, as most people know, that due to my disabilities, that I don’t have anything normal in responsibilities, like people my age do.

But in my case, I kind of dread weekends, while my blogs have been both personally and as an activist, VERY serious as of late, it’s kind of scary where I live, because on weekends, when staff isn’t here, people are more likely to act out.

Even with cameras, unannounced drug sniffing K9s and security during nights and weekends.

While I explain to those few about explaining where I live,  that 1/2 the building where I live are good to have as neighbors, the other half is people who have issues with drug addiction and what it takes to support an illegal drug addiction (dealing and/or other illegal and unsafe behaviors to support an addiction of themselves and who they associate with) , if one’s on their way or headed to rock bottom, especially for poor people, it’s not a fun thing to live amongst, even if I have some empathy for non violent addicts.

The best way I can describe where I live is my building is like a stupid drug cartel that’s badly managed and a church had a baby.

Seriously and it’s NOT funny or fun to live in, even though I’m grateful for my housing.

Also as a serious activist, if I’m going to point out where doctors fail patients in under medicating patients or being afraid to use opiates as a last resort, I also have a responsibility as an activist, to do no harm, myself.

To either patients or providers or to anyone.

The last thing I’d want to give the impression, as an activist,  is that people can be complacent nor would I want to enable, when it comes to the potential of drug addiction or feed into a denial pattern, if they actually are in the midst of drug addiction or heading into drug addiction with either prescription or  illegal opiates.

I know it sounds like I’m digressing, please be patient, I will make my point when it comes to physicians and their biases and how it harms.

Because of all the clinical data I have to read, both as a patient and as an activist, who’s trying to find answers both to opiate addictions and obesity surgery complications, is by using Google.

So when last Saturday night,  it was in my suggestions on Google,  to check out a physician driven site to support and educate medical providers, especially as it applies to interventional pain management or obesity related issues (among many other medical topics but those were the 2 most talked about ones, as well as ones I’ve discussed ad nauseum in this blog in the past) , I didn’t need that site, to know that bias among physicians was horrifyingly pervasive and permanenting who apparently were WAY unaware that they had a few of these awful biases that I’m going to discuss in this blog.

I just didn’t need to see it on Saturday night, when my building was a hotbed of not life threatening criminal behavior due to drugs, but it still was scary because you don’t ever know when that’s going to escalate.

I happen on that physician site to read an article a blog that  a pain management specialist wrote,  who was trying to make a point on how tricky it is to do pain management using a popular stereotype that’s perpetuated not only with non physicians, but within the medical community.

Patient #1:  was a morbidly obese patient who misused opiates claiming she was under medicated, that she was treating who had  needed a double knee replacement and severe  back pain  due to a disc issue (and apparently her inability to stop eating for more than a minute)  and had mental health issues and when the physician pulled her meds due to her non compliance and her quite clearly expressing the patient having NO willpower whatsoever, that patient trashed her online, so she thought, as right after that happened, she received a bunch of negative reviews on a bunch of medical websites.

Patient #2: Very friendly thin patient perfectly compliant dying of cancer, who used a moderate amount of opiates sparingly, despite her severe intractable pain due to terminal cancer with mets and in this instance, the pain management doctor had a nauseating borderline reverence, for.

I will admit, that I’ve had that kind of prejudice similar to patient #1 even though I’m not known for compliance with most meds, other than narcs due to high tolerance (and how I’m resolving that, will be in another blog, soon).

But that blog by that pain management doctor, hit me way harder as an ACTIVIST.

This is what I know to be true, due to the  activism that I do.

Bias can kill patients not only from physicians even if it’s not intentional, due to stigma, as well as by,  non physician peers.

I get that all the time, when I have to talk to a gastric bypass patient with catastrophic complications, into what may be right for them, such as a a gastric bypass reversal, who’s going to die, has a BMI of 19, even with weight loss of 200 lbs and NO surgery to correct extra skin, so their BMI is actually even lower, when that’s taken into consideration, but they’re afraid of and what’s worse, is their current bariatric surgeon is afraid of doing a reversal, in case they become morbidly obese, again.

Where they are more likely to DIE from their catastrophic complications, before Obesity again could put them in mortal danger.

Or in the case because I’m a body diversity activist and find thin shaming repugnant, if I say that someone who’s thin, they’ll usually share their skinny shaming stories and if they’ve had a past or current history with bulimia and/or anorexia.

Or when I see within the weight loss surgery community, patients who get very thin because they’re terrified they’ll be fat again, not realizing that it’s not ideal, it’s actually unhealthy,  to be exercising intensely like an athlete, on 400-1000 calories a day, not only does that make them more at risk for exercise related injuries, it kills their metabolisms, in the long run, if not creates other health risks.

So doing behaving that way is no insurance policy that a bariatric patient won’t gain weight again or have any other severe health problems.

Or if they have bariatric surgical complications, quite a few bariatric patients actually think they deserved them, because they were fat in the first place and had to resort to bariatric surgery.

Or when patients who are morbidly obese to medical and mental health issues and want bariatric surgery or to lose weight, they sometimes become obese due to inactivity due to their health issues and their medications, they can’t have their total knees without losing weight or their bariatric surgeries and they can’t lose weight without either surgeries and are absolutely in a no win situation.

With weight stigma, especially when it comes to Obesity, it hurts both fat and thin patients.

With fat patients, they hate getting medical care, because if they go the doctor for strep, it’s going to be blamed on their weight.

And it shouldn’t be any surprise but it will be to providers, if they have fat bias, the patients who they are treating are FULLY aware of that and that’s why people of weight loathe to seek medical treatment which can sometimes kill a patient, but even at unfortunately, at best,  unnecessarily makes getting any kind of medical treatment, a lot harder than it should be.

It also hurts and potentially harm  thin patients, because they may less likely to think they could have health issues, and their physicians feel the same way, because if they’re a “healthy” weight, it’s presumed, that they’re actually healthy,  when they may not be.

With opiates due to stigma, if a physician has a patient who’s in intractable severe pain, there is a risk they will self medicate and possibly harm if not accidently kill themselves,  they engage in unsafe and unhealthy behaviors to treat their pain and/or they kill themselves, if they aren’t appropriately medicated and/or suddenly taken off their medication.

Especially now, with the opiate epidemic, patients who are compliant, but have been on opiates for a long time are now starting to die, because they find a dealer and/or patients are actually commiting suicide, becoming collateral damage because of the opiate epidemic,  due to unbearable physical pain, because they don’t feel they have any other options and they have no quality of life and they have no options as a last resort for pain.

Absolutely NO physician should be congratulating themselves or encouraging as a positive behavior,  that a terminal patient has great “willpower” by not using opiates for severe intractable pain, if medications are working properly, when the risk of addiction in that patient is next to nothing and the patient is ONLY afraid to take opioids, because of stigma due to drugs, and would rather die a horrifyingly  painful death than be considered a drug addict due to stigma , even if the patient is going to DIE.

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!!!

I’ve said this before, as a medical activist.

HOW and WHY, in this evolved technological era, why are people becoming MORE backwards in our society, has to be discussed openly, without stigma.

BUT medical and mental health professionals take an oath to try and not do harm.

IF they have personal biases, regarding fat patients, challenging patients to treat or mental health patients and/or any other kind of  biases, who are coming to them for any kind of treatment, they OWE it to their patients, to give them the best possible care.

And they can’t do that, if they have ANY kind of  preconceived particular bias towards ANY population of people.

In the defense of physicians or any medical or mental health provider, while I’m not excusing bias that limits their ability to care for their patients, they shouldn’t have to worry about physical or emotional harm, either.

Also patients LIE, like all the time or don’t even realize the dangers if they are aren’t lying a lot, but about things that may seem trivial to them but it’s not and it makes them a liability to both themselves and possibly their providers, especially one who is prescribing narcotics to them.

But even if 9,999 out of 10,000 patients are lying, especially about what they’re actually ingesting, all of them deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt, especially if the 10,000th patient may be, if not, is actually telling the truth

Every patient deserves an individual patient tailored approach to their unique physical makeup being able to feel safe with their medical and mental health providers.

Every provider should feel that they don’t have to worry about being physically or emotionally harmed, because they say something or take a course of an action that a patient doesn’t agree with.

Patients should just stop seeing that provider in that case, in case of negligence or harm, consider a legal remedy, that’s it, if a reasonable (as patients can be respectful, responsible and critical at the same time) discussion or resolution is NOT possible with a provider and/or seek a different provider, if possible

But pretending that bias doesn’t exist, that it can harm patients in their ability to get appropriate (and sometimes lifesaving) treatment of their health conditions,  that resolving one addiction and not addressing the nature of addiction, can lead to another, is harming people, both patients and providers, alike.

Because we aren’t having the responsible and respectful dialogues we need to, as as society,  because of STIGMA.

So while I will hold a physician to the hippocratic oath, it couldn’t hurt anyone, if we actually all took it.

Note: Constructive feedback, only.

Also note: Again, I believe in both any of the obesity surgeries AND opiates, as an absolute last resort. I’m not against any weight loss surgery, I just have a unique situation in being one of the more long term gastric bypass reversal patients out there, of being asked about that, a lot.

As it applies to opiates, I have lost people I’ve cared about due opioid addiction as well as see it in other case, such as described above, ruin people’s lives, so again, it bears repeating, I’m not trying to feed into or enable the opioid epidemic, as an activist.

Although, I’m also not going to apologize for being supportive of invasive medical treatments for different health issues, i.e. both obesity surgeries and opiates, but I will always strongly urge people when you take drastic action, make sure you have a long term plan, are well educated and are well supervised, medically (and mentally), life long.

Nor am I going to apologize for the length of this blog, due to the sensitive nature of what I addressed in this blog,  that I had to so  comprehensively and fairly, to do  justice both to patients and providers, alike.

And if you saw at times, what frightening words or phrases sometimes end up in search engines for my blog, well you’d understand better, why I have to have such a lengthy in depth disclaimer.

Thanks!!!

Tag Cloud