It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘frenemies’ Category

You CAN’T handle the/my TRUTH….

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“Yeah I’m gonna take the high road and do what the preacher told me to do, you keep messing up and I’ll keep praying for you”
“Pray for You”-Jaron and The Long Road to Love

Soooooooo. I was chatting with someone local via Facebook, but that I never met, earlier today and the question that I most loathe to be asked, comes up.

That question would be “how are you?”……

While I know both what my blessings and what the bad things in my life are, I’m not one of those people who has severe chronic pain and says I’m “fine” when I’m NOT.

Depending on though who’s asking, will usually dictate how I answer. In this case, this person found me via my blog ,because of weight loss surgery and the nature of my association was more of my listening and that person venting, which was ok, she wasn’t the type of the person who sucked the life out of me, like some people who I have associations with, who think because I’m homebound a lot and disabled that I have all the time in the world for them and their issues, which have much more greater importance than mine.

Now, it’s relevant to this blog, that I reiterate that I live in Minneapolis and the Twin Cities is getting our first big snow of the season……

So, I actually honestly answer that I’m not feeling the best, but I’m grateful that I don’t have to go anywhere today and leave it at that.

Now I’m not the type of person to take screen shots (don’t know how and don’t wanna) of a conversation online. I try not to judge those who will publicly post private exchanges on social media, I wouldn’t like to be on the other side of that, so it’s not something that I’d opt to do.

But this is the reason for this blog. I basically was responded to, when I said I didn’t feel the greatest that I had to hear how “lucky” I was that I’m disabled enough not to have to drive or work anymore. That was almost said verbatim as well as being told “I’m ALMOST jealous of you”.

That’s not the first time I’ve had crap like that spewed on me. I just found it ironic that I got another instant message from a friend who said I should be grateful that “you don’t have to drive in this crap” at the same time (I can no longer drive due to my disabilities). As well as receiving an email this morning, from an ex, who had the stomach flu and “almost” felt sorry for me for how I felt when I was nearly dying for years of multiple g.i. bleeds, multiple times.

I guess what I’m asking and/or venting about, is what’s with all this passive aggressive bullshit??? I know I’m not the only one who has to put up with it, as  social media (i.e in my case, Facebook) gives you insight on what your friends have to put up with, too.

When did having empathy for others become a lost art form? I understand that everyone has their own barriers and their own sad, if not devastating life stories. I have friends who’ve battled cancer and never once complained. I have friends who can’t have children or have had to bury them and they don’t look for pity. EVER.

I just don’t understand people who ask a question/s to another and are hoping for a negative response/outcome, that’s if they care at all, which they usually don’t,  about an answer.

With everything I’ve ever did or said, I’ve never wanted to become the poster child of/for pity. I do complain a lot, but I also show gratitude a lot, which I think for me, is a good balance. I appreciate what’s been amazing in my life and realize I’ve survived some awful things, and while I’m damaged,  I’m not completely shattered. I’m still living MY life, the best I can, with what I was dealt with, which is what most of us, do, even though we have different things that we are dealing with.

I  guess I don’t get people who can constantly talk about saving sloths, trees and the environment, but don’t give a damn about another human being, at least in a meaningful way that’s not self serving.

This is what ended up happening though, in my conversation this morning. As I was a little more blunt than I usually am, because I’m getting REALLY sick of people who use others as an example of what they don’t want to be and couldn’t be clearer about their intentions. As I just told that person straight out, that I was not envious of them, AT ALL (which is true), wished them a safe commute and then went offline.

Which of course, got me unfriended and blocked on Facebook.

I don’t respond (well, at least directly) to those who don’t have my best interest at heart. And for those who do make it clear that I serve a self centered purpose in their lives, they don’t have that much power on how I feel about myself.

And that’s one of the points of this blog. I don’t have to wish people well who don’t have my best interest at heart. You don’t have to, either. While I think any type of physical or psychological revenge is NOT OK, the video posted above, does make me feel better, when people go out of their way to make me feel bad about myself and it might help you, my dear reader, as well.

Dr. Lisa’s prescription for those who are suffering from bullshititis via proxy…

Rx: Listen to “Pray for you” by Jaron and The Long Road to Love, max t.i.d.  Also vent to a caring supportive person or you can vent on this blog.

You’re welcome….

And I’d also love to know when people will ever, learn? If you friend me on Facebook as  a result of my blog, but then block me for some reason on Facebook, make sure ya unfollow me on WordPress, too, OK ?

And for those who care how I’m doing? Physical pain levels are actually kinda high and I can barely walk or stand and it hurts to even write. But when I think about how sick I still was 5 years ago, can’t complain too much.

Feel free to let me know how you are doing, when you get a chance whether things are going great to horrible….

Because, I do actually care…..

And for my haters: ” Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car, in your house or in your car, wherever you are, honey, I pray for you, I pray for you”-Jaron and The Long Road to Love and I. 😉

Lisa livin’ life la vida loca in Las Vegas/Las Vegas part 1…..

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I had come into some extra money in September and hemmed and hawed,what to do about it….

Most people in my circle, especially, don’t understand that my finances are month to month (and barely that, even thought they know I don’t have a lot of money),and  I was a lot better about saving money both working and not, when I had my children.

But that was before the social media era, or at least before I knew about it. Not knowing what Facebook was, until early 2010.

Up until exactly a week ago, I had never been as far west, from Minnesota, where I live, other than to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, but because of my disabilities, I hadn’t been on a plane or out of the state of Minnesota for ELEVEN years.

I had decided to go on a trip, either to Las Vegas, Los Angeles or San Francisco….

I be too poor to go to California. So a week from yesterday, I booked a trip to Las Vegas and left exactly a week ago.

Paying for myself, getting around Vegas, all by myself, as well as getting myself to and from the airport, by myself, departing on 9-29-2015 and returning early morning on 10-3-2015.

The reason why I chose Las Vegas, was fairly simple. It was a city I wanted to see and I could do so, on my limited budget. It was a place I could travel on a non stop flight and get a nice hotel room, in case my pain levels were too high, to bop around the Strip.

I’m actually allergic to the sun now, due to my long term deficiencies from my gastric bypass. I’m also terribly heat sensitive, so even with my explanation that I had wanted to still see the Vegas before I croak, most people were surprised, but supportive that I’d book an adventure in the DESERT in Nevada.

If you’ve never been to Las Vegas, Nevada, it’s AWESOME. I did fairly well, as while I’ve traveled in the past by myself to Florida and went on a business trip to London, 19 years ago (also took the Eurostar to Paris, when I was in Europe), I had even had adventures in Brooklyn (as well as flying by myself) when I was 14 and visiting family.

However… I’m 45 1/2 years old, with multiple complex medical, mental health and cognitive  disabilities, now . While some people were supportive, some people thought that Sin City, was the last place someone with unmedicated Bipolar 2 disorder, should be.

I actually booked the trip, looking for an adventure. I honestly didn’t believe with my current set of circumstances and where I was in my life, that I deserved an actual vacation.

l also booked my trip in haste, but not due to being impulsive. I left less than 24 hours after I booked my trip, but that was so I didn’t spend October’s money on my trip. As my son’s birthday is in October and my daughter has a few days off, this month, from school.  I had a little under over to spend while I was in Vegas. Not a lot of money, by any means,, to travel out of state for almost 4 days.

The gamble that I took, was relying on myself, to get myself and my stuff to and from Las Vegas, in one piece. I lost about $22 gambling. I spent about $60 in food and about$50 in cute jewelry, purses and knick knacks. And $37 to see a show at my hotel (my hotel, traveling with disabilities and traveling alone as a female, will be in my next blog).

I came back with $60 to my name. That’s actually unusual for me, at the end of any month, to have that much money…

What I learned on my trip, was PRICELESS and invaluable. I learned that I do deserve to treat myself well, not just as a distraction. I learned that some people, who claim to be a friend, aren’t so, but that didn’t shock me at my age. It  just shocks me , why they try to even bother convincing me, that they care, when they obviously don’t.

And I don’t wait around for anyone, for that reason anymore. I learned I could walk in high heat and sun all over the Las Vegas Strip, as I only took a bus from the McCarran to Fashion Show mall and walked EVERYWHERE I went, until I left from Excalibur to go back to McCarran, to go back home via an airport shuttle.

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I had though,  multiple social media buds, who were super supportive of my not only going on an adventure but a nice trip. I had though real life peeps who couldn’t find one nice thing to say about my going on a trip by myself or how I looked. But I’m not a complete idiot. I know who is in my true circle and who isn’t.

But most importantly, I learned after 40 years of being told I’m not worth anything and believing it, that I’m worth being treated well by myself and by others.

So no, other than the gamble I took, going to Vegas with disabilities, I don’t live a crazy life.

Whether I’m home or out of state……….

I also don’t care much, about those who don’t have my best interest at heart. My life has taught me, I don’t have much more time to waste. It wasn’t out of ego, that I posted a bazillion pics of Las Vegas on Facebook.

It was out of knowing, that while I know I can take care of myself, it gets harder to do so, even with as little responsibilities that I have at this stage in my life. That my memory issues are getting worse. That I’m on my 17th life and I’m living it the best that I can. And I can still bet on myself…

This time I won big 🙂

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Note: Above pic of me, taken on 10-1-2015, from my junior suite at Stratosphere Hotel and Casino. Picture above, taken from Level 108 Observation Deck at Stratosphere, on the same date.

Also Note: My math SUCKS… Could be a little off on exact dollar amounts, spent, but know I didn’t spend more than $850. As bad as my math sucks, I haven’t bounced a check, in the history of having a checking account 🙂

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