It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘fitness’ Category

NEVER in my WILDEST dreams……….


(Note: Pic above, me in June of 2006)

(“Your Wildest Dreams”/The Moody Blues-No copyright infringement, intended)

“Once upon a time……. ”

Once upon a time, exactly 10 years ago, there was a happy single mother of 2, who was in the process of working to make her dreams come true. For herself and for her young daughter and teenage son, that she loved so much.

That single mother of 2, being me, was in the process of starting my own business, exactly 10 years ago. After becoming thinner and fitter than I could ever imagine, both a combination of weight loss surgery and finding a love for fitness that made me thinner then I could ever dreamed, was in school to be a Certified Personal Trainer, and was writing a health and fitness  program to help those who wanted to lose a lot of weight but not necessarily have bariatric surgery, for bariatric surgeon’s offices. While I had networked with local bariatric surgeon’s offices, to do some consulting, once I’d get my certification, my program, I’d hope to utilize nationally, both selling the programs and subcontracting my services.

I also was an active busy mother who was enjoying her life and her summer with her 2 year old and 13 1/2 year old. While I at this time, was quite sick from recurring gastric bypass complications, which I hid quite well, from most people, that Summer of 2005, it was kind of hard to hide it from my son, who’d struggle with his Mom blacking out due to super low blood pressure and low blood sugar (I ate “healthy” and often to fuel my love of working out and I loved the endorphin high I got from working out intensely) and vomiting quite frequently. All day, every day.

(Note: This is not an anti-wls (weight loss surgery) blog, nor am I anti-wls. This is a personal blog. I have many blogs on here, where I explain why I participate in both the weight loss surgery and size acceptance communities)

By the time, the above picture featured, was taken, in Summer of 2006, I was quite depressed, after feeling so poorly  for so many years, that it was starting to take it’s toll psychologically. 6 months later, from when picture was taken I realized that doing a lot of things, were becoming so hard to do, with the constant daily vomiting, fainting and severe abdominal pain, as well as having had a chronic migraine history that I was applying for social security in December of 2006.

By the time Summer of 2007, rolled around, I was trying not to lose my children, after having a nervous breakdown and a child protection case for hoarding. Because my children and I were so bonded, I was NEVER initially at risk of losing my kids in any way.  My children who I loved so much, and by then for quite awhile, we were all each other’s worlds.

By early Summer of 2008, I was acutely suicidal. After quite a few medical hospitalizations since Summer of 2006 due to my gastric bypass complications and physical pain levels being so high for so many years and my losing both my physical health and by then, what little sanity I had left, I gave up custody of my children to my parents, and tried to commit suicide. Which I nearly got committed for.

By early Summer of 2010, after spending 16 1/2 months in the mental health system (A blog or 2, to elaborate, will be forthcoming in the near future) but I’d been out on my own since January of 2010, I was trying not to die from multiple ulcer perforations, multiple times, that were getting worse.

Never, in my WILDEST dreams and or my WORST nightmares, that I’d think my life would take the turns, it did. Most people don’t live the lives they initially plan on living.  But here, in Summer of 2015, while I’m grateful, that everyone I love is still alive and it’s nothing short of a miracle that I am, my life is still so small, beyond the scope of my imagination.

Never, in my wildest dreams, could I imagine what was amazing about my life, such as my beautiful, funny and smart children, about being thinner than I ever dreamed and hoping I’d have a successful business to even enrich a life with my kids, that was wonderful, even more, was not meant to be. I’d be lying if I didn’t include the 6 1/2 years I was thin, after being heavy and so horribly bullied for it,  my whole ENTIRE life.

Never, in my WORST nightmares, would I ever think that I’d be so unintentionally neglectful of my children who I loved more than anything. Never did I think that I’d live a life that was so physically painful and then emotionally painful, that I’d ever put my children and my family, what I did. That I’d lose the will to live, end up in the system for 16 1/2 months, only to have the fight of my life, to stay alive, in 2010.

And NEVER, did I think, that I’d lose the resilience that I had in the life that was better than I could’ve dreamed of and of my worst nightmares. While I’m still a little strong. I’m still a lot broken, and so sad, and so stuck, of what my life was, from Fall of 1992, when my son was born, to what life was like, 10 years ago, in Summer of 2005, when I still had hope, that as wonderful as everything was, it was still to get EVEN better. It’s not that I’m not grateful for my life and those I love, who I’m so lucky to have, but that I love from afar. There’s just no MORE, or no BETTER, to look forward to. This is IT.

So for the few of you, that have wondered why I’ve taken more internet sabbaticals, why I haven’t blogged much, this year. This is the some of the reasons WHY…. (I am coming to terms with some of it, and am committed to my activism. I just want to make sure, I’m in a good place, to be able to do that from, as it would be irresponsible of me, to do activism when I’m working on personal issues, of my own)

“When the music plays, when the words are touched with sorrow….Once upon a time, once when you were mine….. ”

Note: For some reason, not creepy or sinister, certain songs, that are meant to be sad romantic ballads, some how some of the feelings they invoke, are maternal, not in a creepy way….

Is this encouraging or is this insulting???


I’ll give you my NOT so humble opinion. Then I’d like to hear your opinion.

I understand that “memes” like this picture above, are supposed to be “inspirational”….. As well as kind, supportive and empathetic.

I find them to be INFURIATING and let me explain, WHY. And this is making it in my blog, as I’ve seen it now posted several times in different pages and from different peeps on social media.

For one, people are assuming any person in a larger body is new or struggling with exercise. And needs some random stranger giving them words of advice or encouragement.

I’ve had this happen to me. On more than one occasion. I remember right after my gastric bypass reversal when walking briskly  around the hospital campus (I can’t stay in bed, when inpatient in a hospital, my other blogs explains prejudice that I’ve experienced by a lot of physicians,  probably give insight why, being in a acute care facility, causes me great anxiety). I had a lady who had to jog to catch up to me, to tell me I should be proud of doing something about my weight. I just gave her a dirty look, given the fact I had a NG tube coming out of my nose, 3 IVs and an IV pole with me.

I had that happen a couple of months later when walking briskly around Mall of America. I had another thin lady say the same thing, after having to jog to catch up with me. I just told her that I was trying to increase my appetite for a donut eating competition (not something easily done, even if one’s gastric bypass has been reversed and I was lying for shock value) and briskly walked away.

I’ve also talked about in the last year, in past blogs, about  bullying I’ve had to put up when exercising. While I’m not capable of  exercise at an athletic level, like I used to be, I walk briskly and as intensely as I’m able to, though. Even sprinting at times. On occasion, while smoking a cigarette. I’m not proud of my smoking habit, when I say I’m on average of a 2-3 pack day habit, in the last 2 years, since I’ve moved to Downtown Minneapolis. I will say in defense for all the fat hate, I’ve been subjected, lifelong, that I picked up smoking at the age of 15, in hopes to lose weight.

I’m also NOT saying that my weight loss peeps can’t be proud of finding fitness as a result of their weight loss. Or they can be happy to have found fitness as a means of losing weight. There’s apps and social media to get and give encouragement, though.

Absolutely, NO need for anyone, to bother a complete stranger in the middle of their workout.

SO what I am saying though is my health and quite a few others, who don’t want to discuss it, especially ad nauseum, have that right. ESPECIALLY,  if I’m ACTUALLY in the middle of working out.

As well my health or fitness level, well, it’s NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, nor is it something for you to judge. Nor can you tell that about anyone. Unless they are showing signs of serious physical distress. And that can happen during exercise whether someone is thin or fat.

Unless, I fall down while walking or fall off a balance ball and smack my head, please leave me the FUCK alone, when I’m working out, and I’m sure there’s many who agree with me. Regardless of their weight. I’m also not going to engage in any type of “health” debates, here. Let’s just keep this at the topic on hand, which is the meme posted above, in this blog.

The point of this blog is whether or not, total strangers should be coming up to people who are larger than they think they should be and give words of advice or encouragement, regarding exercise or a person’s misguided perception that intentional exercise is being done for the sole purpose of losing weight?

The reason why I’m telling you this, is when people do this to me, they are RUDELY interrupting my workout. In an ideal world, my larger working out self in public, wants to be LEFT ALONE. Given the fact that I went to a great school to be a Certified Personal Trainer in 2005, while I could NEVER work in that capacity,now, I know what I’m doing, whether I’m using equipment or trying to get a cardio benefit when sprinting while smoking (which I wouldn’t advise, if I was working in a professional capacity, but I haven’t keeled over yet, I barely get winded, it’s just hard for me to exercise, only because of my severe chronic pain issues). But I still do it, regularly, when I can.

IF you wouldn’t give someone who’s thin who’s working out, advice or encouragement, why would you do this to someone who’s larger, who’s not asking for advice?

Just saying in this case, again, APATHY and minding your own business, can work wonders. And if you workout at anything resembling an intense level, where you know what “THR” and “RPE” means, and you use that to gauge the effectiveness of your workout, if you wouldn’t want to be disturbed during a workout, why is it ok to do this, to someone else?

It’s NOT ok, in my not so humble opinion, to do this, to anyone during their workout. Now I want to hear your opinions……

Again, same rules apply. You are more than welcome to respectfully disagree with me. Just know that any comment that could potentially trigger a fellow reader will be not be approved.

Note from a former Certified Personal Trainer: This blog is not encouraging or discouraging exercise. And it’s not meant to be taken as a blind endorsement of exercise. Please make sure, regardless of your weight, that you are cleared for exercise by a physician. The kind that treats people in person, not like one of those “Dr. Oz” types 😉

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