I normally would NEVER comment on another person, as it applies to being a parent. Due to complex medical, neurological and mental health issues, my children went to live with my parents when they were almost 16 (my son) and my daughter was 5 1/2 (she’s 12, now).
I was a never married single mother, who had 2 “surprise blessings” from two different fathers. I never felt the need before or after social media (and my children went to live with my parents, way before I knew what Facebook, in 2008 when in medical and mental health crisis ) and I come from a conservative upper middle class Jewish family, NEVER felt the need to explain and/or defend my circumstances, nor was it anyone’s business, while I was a loving and proactive single mother of 1 child, then 2 kids.
I’m a medical, mental health, body diversity, anti-bullying and homeless/affordable housing activist, advocate and blogger. I’ve talked about experiences both in my past and my present, that are humiliating as a mother. While I never meant to fail my children, I did so. And I hoped by launching this blog, that I make no money from, to try and explain a few things to you, mother to mother, even though I may be called a hypocrite, because my children aren’t living with me, any longer.
I couldn’t care less, as hypocritical as your ability to make money on a platform you don’t live by, even if you’ve never made money for your pro-abstinence stance, that’s still led you to paid gigs. I couldn’t care less that you are pro-life and/or that our politics vary drastically.
Why I am writing this though, is NOT to talk about, where you are being scrutinized in the media for what you’ve said about your pregnancy or what others have said. But about what’s NOT being said. Not just by you, but by everyone who has an opinion about this. And just like I’m leaving myself wide open with this blog, you did, too, by your blog, however I’m sure you make money on your blog.
While your son is old enough to read, but too young to be on the internet, where it could hurt him, your choice of words, in your blog describing your pregnancy, could emotionally harm your children, when they get older. While I blog so that my young daughter has in my words, while I still have a little ability left to articulate them, of why I couldn’t be the mother she deserved, my daughter has known from the time she has memory, that she was a wanted and loved child, just like her older brother was. No other words were necessary and I was so grateful for the time in my life that I didn’t need words to prove that. I showed that in action.
Unfortunately, the internet IS forever. While I believe in freedom of speech, realize there is consequences, sometimes only the most personal, from what you say in a public forum.
It’s pretty hard to offend me. You have a lot of a privilege, that I don’t think you realize the full extent, even though you may have a lot of consequences that come it, from being a public person from a very public family (i.e. your Mother) .
I am just saying, choose your words and maybe your actions (none of this has to do with any part of your body other than your mindset, because none of it is my business about your body, just like other people’s choices are not for you to judge), a little more carefully, OK? None of my pro-choice friends, have ever used the words motherhood and mistake, in the same sentence or thought process. Think about if your Mother made a statement like that, how would YOU feel, if you read that your Mother chose to have you, not in ideal circumstances.
I hope going forward that you choose both your words and your platforms, a little more carefully. And realize that you do have more privilege, then other single mothers (I’m not talking about myself, as I was 22 when I had my firstborn), however it was during the Dan Quayle period, when he was on a media rampage about how single mothers were ruining the world, way before your time, and I’m sure this would be an interesting answer for your own Mother to explain, given the politics and religious beliefs of you and your family.
Because, basically the message you’ve now sent, it’s ok to be a single parent, if you are a responsible 24 year old (or 17 year old if your Mother is running for Vice President of the United States), even if you preach abstinence and are “pro-life” and have many resources, even if you still work independently, you come from a wealthy family (so do I) .
It can and will be construed that if one is poor, a “slut” with no morals and no money, should be shamed in society, and it’s made even worse for them, that they are slut shamed and told they need to raise the kids they conceived in sin, with NO help from anyone. And that just ain’t right. OK?
It’s quite misogynist, actually. And we are in the year 2015 not 1515, capish? Not only that, not every pregnancy is created by consent. As someone who’s done advocacy in the past, for battered women, as well as women who’ve been raped, I can’t believe how narrow minded and limited, your thought processes actually are or could be harmful, to people who even may have the same belief system, for the most part, that you do. As it’s heartwrenching for women either who’ve conceived a child during a rape or when in circumstances mentally and/or medically that would cause them harm to carry a pregnancy to term.
Not only that, I have friends who are happily married, educated and have good jobs and nice homes, and they can’t conceive a baby and/or their bodies can’t support a pregnancy to term, and I know many a mother with “angel babies”.
So all I’m trying to say, is what you are saying and how you are saying it, could be hurtful to a lot of innocent people.
While I don’t think you should have to be cast away by having a 2nd child, by a 2nd baby daddy, still unmarried, because there is that pesky little fact, that you live life that’s not consistent in what you preach, maybe you should consider others avenues to do advocacy for. I hope though that you aren’t shamed, for bringing a 2nd child into this world, unmarried, that’s not what I’m trying to get across, either.
You and others who are like minded, may still think you are the poster child for “pro life”, that’s great. I just hope your thoughts and words don’t get to vulnerable women, who are share your beliefs but have way different circumstances, who you may greatly hurt, in addition to your own children. But congrats on being able to profit from it. I’m saying this sarcastically because it’s more at the expense of others, then it would ever be to yourself. Even though ya don’t have any more credibility in the abstinence department……
I sincerely congratulate you, on your upcoming new baby. Truthfully with my “surprise blessings” while I’m not mocking children, parents or families, who are born in a family with 2 parents, but it’s not the worse thing in the world to be a single mother. While I had all the responsibility, I also had all the joy and love from my children and had all the love to give to them. I’m sure you will find this out that while time can be a resource, that can be in short supply, love of one’s children, never is. It’s multiplied and in abundance.
This is just some of the reasons why I’m trying to explain to you, not to use or infer the word mistake, when it comes to one’s own children or pregnancy with them. And not to judge other’s circumstances, which is none of your business, just like your business is no one else’s. So no reason for you to go on the defense and offense, but because you chose to put it out there, that you were pregnant again, you can’t expect that people either will NOT react or not be harmed, not by your decision, but because of how judgmental you are being to those who don’t have the privileges that you and your children do.
Otherwise, no harm meant to you or your family, and I’m only wishing you the best, going forward.
p.s. I really enjoyed the Essure advertisement on your blog site. At least the irony of it…… 😉 Peace….