It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for June, 2015

An Open Letter to Bristol Palin………

http://jezebel.com/bristol-palins-pregnancy-was-actually-planned-you-gidd-1714551645?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Dear Bristol,

I normally would NEVER comment on another person, as it applies to being a parent. Due to complex medical, neurological and mental health issues, my children went to live with my parents when they were almost 16 (my son) and my daughter was 5 1/2 (she’s 12, now).

I was a never married single mother, who had 2 “surprise blessings” from two different fathers. I never felt the need before or after social media (and my children went to live with my parents, way before I knew what Facebook, in 2008 when in medical and mental health crisis ) and I  come from a conservative upper middle class Jewish family, NEVER felt the need to explain and/or defend my circumstances,  nor was it anyone’s business, while I was a loving and proactive single mother of 1 child, then 2 kids.

I’m a medical, mental health, body diversity, anti-bullying and homeless/affordable housing activist, advocate and blogger. I’ve talked about experiences both in my past and my present, that are humiliating as a mother. While I never meant to fail my children, I did so. And I hoped by launching this blog, that I make no money from, to try and explain a few things to you, mother to mother, even though I may be called a hypocrite, because my children aren’t living with me, any longer.

I couldn’t care less, as hypocritical as your ability to make money on a platform you don’t live by, even if you’ve never made money for your pro-abstinence stance, that’s still led you to paid gigs. I couldn’t care less that you are pro-life and/or that  our politics vary drastically.

Why I am writing this though, is NOT  to talk about, where you are being scrutinized in the media for what you’ve said about your pregnancy or what others have said. But about what’s NOT  being said. Not just by you, but by everyone who has an opinion about this. And just like I’m leaving myself wide open with this blog, you did, too,  by your blog, however I’m sure you make money on your blog.

While your son is old enough to read, but too young to be on the internet, where it could hurt him, your choice of words, in your blog describing your pregnancy, could emotionally harm your children, when they get older. While I blog so that my young daughter has in my words, while I still have a little ability left to articulate them, of why I couldn’t be the mother she deserved, my daughter has known from the time she has memory, that she was a wanted and loved child, just like her older brother was. No other words were necessary and I was so grateful for the time in my life that I didn’t need words to prove that. I showed that in action.

Unfortunately, the internet IS forever. While I believe in freedom of speech, realize there is consequences, sometimes only the most personal, from what you say in a public forum.

It’s pretty hard to offend me. You have a lot of a privilege, that I don’t think you realize the full extent, even though you may have a lot of consequences that come it, from being a public person from a very public family (i.e. your Mother) .

I am just saying, choose your words and maybe your actions (none of this has to do with any part of your body other than your mindset, because none of it is my business about your body, just like other people’s choices are not for you to judge), a little more carefully, OK? None of my pro-choice friends, have ever used the words motherhood and mistake, in the same sentence or thought process. Think about if your Mother made a statement like that, how would YOU feel, if you read that your Mother chose to have you, not in ideal circumstances.

I hope going forward that you choose both your words and your platforms, a little more carefully. And realize that you do have more privilege, then other single mothers (I’m not talking about myself, as I was 22 when I had my firstborn), however it was during the Dan Quayle period, when he was on a media rampage about how single mothers were ruining the world, way before your time, and I’m sure this would be an interesting answer for your own Mother to explain, given the politics and religious beliefs of you and  your family.

Because, basically the message you’ve now sent, it’s ok to be a single parent, if you are a responsible 24 year old (or 17 year old if your Mother is running for Vice President of the United States), even if you preach abstinence and are “pro-life” and have many resources, even if you still work independently, you come from a wealthy family (so do I) .

It can and will be construed that if one is poor, a “slut” with no morals and no money, should be shamed in society,  and it’s made even worse for them, that they are slut shamed and told they need to raise the kids they conceived in sin, with NO help from anyone. And that just  ain’t right. OK?

It’s quite misogynist, actually. And we are in the year 2015 not 1515, capish? Not only that, not every pregnancy is created by consent.  As someone who’s done advocacy in the past, for battered women, as well as women who’ve been raped, I can’t believe how narrow minded and limited, your thought processes actually are or could be harmful, to people who even may have the same belief system, for the most part, that you do. As it’s heartwrenching for women either who’ve conceived a child during a rape or when in circumstances mentally and/or medically that would cause them harm to carry a pregnancy to term.

Not only that, I have friends who are happily married, educated and have good jobs and nice homes, and they can’t conceive a baby and/or their bodies can’t support a pregnancy to term, and I know many a mother with “angel babies”.

So all I’m trying to say, is what you are saying and how you are saying it, could be hurtful to a lot of innocent people.

While I don’t think you should have to be cast away by having a 2nd child, by a 2nd baby daddy, still unmarried, because there is that pesky little fact, that you live life that’s not consistent in what you preach, maybe you should consider others avenues to do advocacy for. I hope though that you aren’t shamed, for bringing a 2nd child into this world, unmarried, that’s not what I’m trying to get across, either.

You and others who are like minded, may still think you are the poster child for “pro life”,  that’s great. I just hope your thoughts and words don’t get to vulnerable women, who are share your beliefs but have way different circumstances, who you may greatly hurt, in addition to your own children.  But congrats on being able to profit from it. I’m saying this sarcastically because it’s more at the expense of others, then it would ever be to yourself. Even though ya don’t have any more credibility in the abstinence department……

I sincerely congratulate you, on your upcoming new baby. Truthfully with my “surprise blessings” while I’m not mocking children, parents or families,  who are born in a family with 2 parents, but it’s not the worse thing in the world to be a single mother. While I had all the responsibility, I also had all the joy and love from my children and had all the love to give to them. I’m sure you will find this out that while time can be a resource, that can be in short supply, love of one’s children, never is. It’s multiplied and in abundance.

This is just some of the  reasons why I’m trying to explain to you, not to use or infer the word mistake, when it comes to one’s own children or pregnancy with them. And not to judge other’s circumstances, which is none of your business, just like your business is no one else’s. So no reason for you to go on the defense and offense, but because you chose to put it out there, that you were pregnant again, you can’t expect that people either will NOT react or not be harmed, not by your decision, but  because of  how judgmental you are being to those who don’t have the privileges that you and your children do.

Otherwise, no harm meant to you or your family, and I’m only wishing you the best, going forward.

.

Respectfully, Lisa

p.s. I really enjoyed the Essure advertisement on your blog site. At least the irony of it…… 😉 Peace….

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The “H” word/s…..

I have to admit, that when my newsfeed blew up regarding the horrific tragedy in Charleston, SC, I tried to ignore it at first, just like I basically ignored the attack on the Dallas police headquarters, only to now read some of it, as I write this blog.

What’s so horrible is, that what happened to 9 innocent people losing their lives, in a massacre, in their place of worship, due to the color of their skin. They were black people murdered by a white gunman, just because they were black.

I know that I very unintentionally, offended some people, when trying to make a point about the rioting in Ferguson, in a blog that I wrote last Fall, by changing #BlackLivesMatter to #AllLivesMatter, was NEVER about the fact that I don’t understand that racism kills black people or subjects them to bigotry and oppression. I never commented on the rioting in Baltimore or the death of Freddie Gray, for that reason, because I didn’t have the right words to say, that would make any difference.

I haven’t changed my position, as far as thinking that at this point, too many innocent people are losing their lives due to the hatred of individuals, that at this point, it doesn’t matter any longer, of what the motives are for these murders.

It’s getting  people who are mentally unstable, prone to erratic behaviors  to see, they have no right, to take the life of any individual for any reason.

There would be nothing more that I’d love to see, if people could over stereotypes and prejudices and have tolerance and respect for all people. Regardless of color, religion, sexual preference, gender and weight.

It’s 2015, right?

That’s NEVER going to matter, and here’s why initiatives like “BlackLivesMatter” or “AllLivesMatter” isn’t going to do a damn bit of good in changing the mindsets of people, prone to commit murder.

This is where the “H” word/s comes in. It’s hate, hurt and harm. People who hate are going to hate on some classes of people, maybe one class of people, in this case where racism (which I find repugnant) killed 9 people in their place of worship, won’t matter to a racist, and trying to explain and try to teach tolerance to a racist or anyone who’s capable of using their hate to hurt and harm, isn’t going to save anyone’s life.

If we want to HONOR the victims and their families and friends, of these HORRIFIC senseless tragedies the best way to do that, is to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. That’s not actually probably very realistic. So let’s try to figure out a way and/or have major initiatives that acknowledge that in some people, not all, their hatred is going to be fatal to innocent people, and figure out a way to reach people in saying they have no right due to their personal opinions, can’t lead to loss of life or the right of anyone having a right to a peaceful enjoyment of their lives.

You can’t ration with irrational people. I heard one person express or question of whether or not the shooter, had mental illness. The way I look at it, is not all mentally ill people are capable of violent harm but anyone who has the capacity to kill people like this, IS mentally ill.

And yes, a terrorist. And anyone capable of such horrific loss of life, doesn’t get to get off from the consequences, on the fact that they may be mentally ill, but they knew right from wrong at the time they commit these massacres.

We can’t let one’s irrational fears be fatal to others. We can’t not have the dialogue that people are we get more progressive in someways, in society, we are getting more backwards in how we treat people. But, unfortunately the key to making some inroads with HUMANS who are capable of great HARM, due to HATRED, might lie in dealing with their heads, hurts and hearts, that they don’t have a right to harm another HUMAN, based upon that.

As I’ve also said before, and I can’t stress enough, that we have to stop sensationalize perpetrators of these tragedies by giving them in their own heads, of more irrational reward, by giving them free reign in the media. We only get enough information if they are alive and haven’t been captured, to keep others safe, until they are found.

I still have NO problem, admitting, both personally and as an activist, that I’m glad that South Carolina has the death penalty. And also saying, guns are NOT the problem in this. Even if we could take every gun away, those who want to kill will FIND a way.

Note: The Charleston Tragedy, proves if anything, that if you, or someone you know, is in acute mental health crisis, has made mention of harming themselves or others, please seek clinical and/or professional guidance, contact your local authorities, immediately.

The Invasion of the Body Shamers……

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I’ve been online for a couple of hours, and I’m horribly disappointed, actually disappointed probably doesn’t cover it, let’s try FUCKING OUTRAGED, that people have nothing better to do then to body shame, whether it’s fat shaming OR thin shaming. It happens all the time, this is what’s “trended” in my newsfeed in the last 36 hours.

Because I happen to be a body diversity acceptance advocate, when a meme hits my newsfeed on social media that shames any body type, especially a certain meme that’s starting to go viral, I’ll download it, because I regularly blog and do body diversity acceptance.

Sadly, the following meme below has been shared at least 3 separate times, this morning by my Facebook buds. Even more pathetically, it’s been by WLS peeps, that I usually adore. As well as I’ve had to see when their friends shared it and the nasty comments that followed, in agreement with the sentiment of the meme.
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What’s even more disheartening see shit like the above be shared by a weight loss peer of mine, is the fact that what I refer to the “formerly fat” who’ve had weight loss surgery, know how shitty it is to be a target of fat hate. The 3 of you who shared this, are also activists of sorts for causes or discrimination outside of weight.

Furthermore, why someone’s weight leads them to a mobilized scooter is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS and certainly not for you to judge, but especially, especially, ESPECIALLY, if one has to resort to having their digestive system surgically altered to lose weight.

Let me enlighten some of my weight loss surgery peeps who think it’s ok to post memes like the one above (let alone anyone else)….

I know quite a few fat people who are in mobilized scooters for heartbreaking reasons. I know at least 3 people who want weight loss surgery and they can’t get it, because they need bilateral total knee replacements. They are in a vicious cycle where they can’t get their knees replaced until they lose weight and they can’t lose weight and/or get bariatric surgery because their mobility is impacted by having crappy knees to meet a bariatric surgeon’s weight loss requirement to qualify for weight loss surgery.

Then there is at least 2 people I know who are in need of mobility scooters who are still fat after weight loss surgery but gained weight because they had older weight loss surgeries (like vertical banded gastroplasty that proceeded the laproscopic adjustable banding) their metabolisms, digestive systems and bodies are shot, even though they can’t eat much and either don’t want to have another bariatric surgery and/or they can’t because again, their mobility is impacted by damage done to their bodies already by bariatric surgery.

Note: This is not an anti-wls blog, no need to defend wls, just stay on topic, which is body shaming.

Then I know another 4 or 5  people who are in mobility scooters who had weight loss surgery lost quite a bit of weight, however they were at a higher weight when they started, so even though they lost a  hundred to a few hundred pounds, they are still are clinically morbidly obese. Some of them have medical health issues, such as crappy thyroid or MS, to name a few. Some of them can’t ever get to their goal weight due to mental health issues due to being  psychotropic meds that wreck havoc with metabolism as well as create the food obsession from HELL (reason for my EPIC regain prior to my reversal, even though I had so many gastric bypass complications).

Those are just a few examples of why people are fat and need a mobility scooter and why fat shaming pics, really piss me off, from ANYONE. But especially for those of you who had weight loss surgery and know how harshly we get judged for having that.

The thin bashing pics that I’ve seen in the last 36 hours ain’t any better. I get the need for size acceptance and fat acceptance, that’s why I do activism for that. It’s not necessary though to post memes like I’ve seen, featured below…

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Great, so not only are there is  thin shaming pics, let’s throw in slut shaming, too. And I’m not even going to touch slut shaming in this blog, I am going to say though, people can make a point about a need for fat acceptance without body shaming, anyone. I’ve met women who were naturally extremely thin or extremely thin due to how pervasive fat shaming and oppression is. Women who were suicidal because they were bullied for being too thin, all their lives, just like people who’ve been suicidal, due to fat hatred….

Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother to do this activism, regarding body shaming. I feel like I’m fighting a battle that will NEVER have significant and measurable progress. And while I can say I’ve been trying to lose some weight, and I have lost some, that I get hit  hard when it comes to fat and thin shaming, as I’ve been both in the past. And presently. And for some fat acceptance advocates, because I do activism that’s weight loss positive (i.e. choice to lose weight, including defending a surgical intervention), and because I talk about my own personal weight loss on rare occasion, I get called out for being a shitty fat acceptance advocate.

At the same time, others in the weight loss surgery community, use me as an example of what not to look like or weigh post weight loss surgery. I probably would be hit harder by all of this crap, personally, but after I’ve been through, if all anyone can deduct is that I’m a shitty weight loss surgery peer or a shitty fat acceptance activist, they are TOTALLY missing the point.

I’m a great activist and support system to all people who don’t have a voice who have to be bombarded by bullshit body shaming on what’s already going an alarming rate, and it’s only getting WORSE.

I’m not good at many things, but I’m fucking ROCKING when it comes to instilling empathy and understanding in others. Unless, of course one is a hateful bigot that there’s no hope for….

Here’s a fairly recent full body picture of me, that was taken exactly a month ago on 5-14-2015…..

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So yeah, I don’t have the type of body that’s fat and full of curves. I carry both weight and a lot of extra skin, as well as a ventral hernia behind my reversal scar (hence why I’m trying to lose a little weight, as it’s uncomfortable, my weight though at my heaviest and thinnest has NEVER been a health issue) primarily in my midsection. But I’m also, though, no longer thin. So while I relate to, what I’ve called being an “inbetweenie”, as I’m 10 sizes smaller on average, then my heaviest and I’m about 10 sizes bigger than my smallest, most people don’t understand my personal tie to my activism.

My weight though, is no longer,( unless I’m at Bebe or Guess?) the most noticeable thing about me. I take up one seat on the bus, I fit in a booth comfortably and walk a lot, even though I’m quite disabled from everything I’ve done to be thin and stay there.

People have to stop judging and shaming things they will NEVER understand. The above memes posted in this blog, show that everyone, even the most nicest people, can have an ugly side, that’s hopefully open to positive change so they aren’t continually both harming and hurting a class of people’s feelings, as it applies to our body size, young and old, male and female.

So the next time you post a body shaming meme, think about if it could hurt someone you love. let anyone else you care about. While Melissa McCarthy was quoted in an interview, recently, about a movie review who body and appearance shamed her in the past, of my saying to the man, “what if your daughters had to read this, how would you feel?”

I’ve been saying the same thing. For YEARS, now. And I have a personal stake in this, because all the body and looks shaming, everything I’ve done to be thin, is largely to blame, of why I’m not actively raising my OWN daughter.

So yeah, I guess I’m in this type of activism, as far as body diversity acceptance for the long haul. I’ll be damned that everything I’ve been through, was for nothing. I’ll do what it takes to remove body hate, in hopes that improves quality of lives, if not save a life.

And to do at least SOMETHING, to make this world a better place for my own daughter to live in. As well as EVERYONE’S sons and daughters to live in.

Note: Same rules apply, as usual. You are more than welcome to respectfully disagree with me. ANY comments that could be potentially triggering to a reader, will NOT be posted. I’m asking in advance, let’s not play the “health” card in either direction. Because admit it, none of the shaming memes posted above, has ANYTHING to do with health.

NEVER in my WILDEST dreams……….

wish

(Note: Pic above, me in June of 2006)

(“Your Wildest Dreams”/The Moody Blues-No copyright infringement, intended)

“Once upon a time……. ”

Once upon a time, exactly 10 years ago, there was a happy single mother of 2, who was in the process of working to make her dreams come true. For herself and for her young daughter and teenage son, that she loved so much.

That single mother of 2, being me, was in the process of starting my own business, exactly 10 years ago. After becoming thinner and fitter than I could ever imagine, both a combination of weight loss surgery and finding a love for fitness that made me thinner then I could ever dreamed, was in school to be a Certified Personal Trainer, and was writing a health and fitness  program to help those who wanted to lose a lot of weight but not necessarily have bariatric surgery, for bariatric surgeon’s offices. While I had networked with local bariatric surgeon’s offices, to do some consulting, once I’d get my certification, my program, I’d hope to utilize nationally, both selling the programs and subcontracting my services.

I also was an active busy mother who was enjoying her life and her summer with her 2 year old and 13 1/2 year old. While I at this time, was quite sick from recurring gastric bypass complications, which I hid quite well, from most people, that Summer of 2005, it was kind of hard to hide it from my son, who’d struggle with his Mom blacking out due to super low blood pressure and low blood sugar (I ate “healthy” and often to fuel my love of working out and I loved the endorphin high I got from working out intensely) and vomiting quite frequently. All day, every day.

(Note: This is not an anti-wls (weight loss surgery) blog, nor am I anti-wls. This is a personal blog. I have many blogs on here, where I explain why I participate in both the weight loss surgery and size acceptance communities)

By the time, the above picture featured, was taken, in Summer of 2006, I was quite depressed, after feeling so poorly  for so many years, that it was starting to take it’s toll psychologically. 6 months later, from when picture was taken I realized that doing a lot of things, were becoming so hard to do, with the constant daily vomiting, fainting and severe abdominal pain, as well as having had a chronic migraine history that I was applying for social security in December of 2006.

By the time Summer of 2007, rolled around, I was trying not to lose my children, after having a nervous breakdown and a child protection case for hoarding. Because my children and I were so bonded, I was NEVER initially at risk of losing my kids in any way.  My children who I loved so much, and by then for quite awhile, we were all each other’s worlds.

By early Summer of 2008, I was acutely suicidal. After quite a few medical hospitalizations since Summer of 2006 due to my gastric bypass complications and physical pain levels being so high for so many years and my losing both my physical health and by then, what little sanity I had left, I gave up custody of my children to my parents, and tried to commit suicide. Which I nearly got committed for.

By early Summer of 2010, after spending 16 1/2 months in the mental health system (A blog or 2, to elaborate, will be forthcoming in the near future) but I’d been out on my own since January of 2010, I was trying not to die from multiple ulcer perforations, multiple times, that were getting worse.

Never, in my WILDEST dreams and or my WORST nightmares, that I’d think my life would take the turns, it did. Most people don’t live the lives they initially plan on living.  But here, in Summer of 2015, while I’m grateful, that everyone I love is still alive and it’s nothing short of a miracle that I am, my life is still so small, beyond the scope of my imagination.

Never, in my wildest dreams, could I imagine what was amazing about my life, such as my beautiful, funny and smart children, about being thinner than I ever dreamed and hoping I’d have a successful business to even enrich a life with my kids, that was wonderful, even more, was not meant to be. I’d be lying if I didn’t include the 6 1/2 years I was thin, after being heavy and so horribly bullied for it,  my whole ENTIRE life.

Never, in my WORST nightmares, would I ever think that I’d be so unintentionally neglectful of my children who I loved more than anything. Never did I think that I’d live a life that was so physically painful and then emotionally painful, that I’d ever put my children and my family, what I did. That I’d lose the will to live, end up in the system for 16 1/2 months, only to have the fight of my life, to stay alive, in 2010.

And NEVER, did I think, that I’d lose the resilience that I had in the life that was better than I could’ve dreamed of and of my worst nightmares. While I’m still a little strong. I’m still a lot broken, and so sad, and so stuck, of what my life was, from Fall of 1992, when my son was born, to what life was like, 10 years ago, in Summer of 2005, when I still had hope, that as wonderful as everything was, it was still to get EVEN better. It’s not that I’m not grateful for my life and those I love, who I’m so lucky to have, but that I love from afar. There’s just no MORE, or no BETTER, to look forward to. This is IT.

So for the few of you, that have wondered why I’ve taken more internet sabbaticals, why I haven’t blogged much, this year. This is the some of the reasons WHY…. (I am coming to terms with some of it, and am committed to my activism. I just want to make sure, I’m in a good place, to be able to do that from, as it would be irresponsible of me, to do activism when I’m working on personal issues, of my own)

“When the music plays, when the words are touched with sorrow….Once upon a time, once when you were mine….. ”

Note: For some reason, not creepy or sinister, certain songs, that are meant to be sad romantic ballads, some how some of the feelings they invoke, are maternal, not in a creepy way….

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