It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘MEDICAL ADVOCACY’ Category

For those suffering because of the skin they’re in or for what is contained in it…


Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional or have any education in law enforcement or public safety.

I will always encourage people in medical and mental health crisis, if they are in danger in hurting themselves or others to contact emergency services, immediately to get evaluation and treatment.

While this blog is somewhat personal in nature and will not just tie some of the things I’ve written in not only the last week, month, year but in over the 6 years I’ve been blogging, I’d bet in some form or another, while not everything I’ve gone through that others can relate on a deeply personal level, but I’m sure quite a few can to some of the things that I’ve gone through.


Late yesterday afternoon, I threw on some clothes to run to the convenience store as today and the next few days we are supposed to experience some inclement weather, similar to the bad weather we had in Minnesota over last Thanksgiving weekend.

I grabbed a bag of garbage to throw out on my way.

I live 4 blocks away from U.S. Bank Stadium, home of the Minnesota Vikings and there was a game yesterday.

I had waited about 90 minutes after the game ended to leave and after I threw out my garbage I lit a cigarette in the alley between my building and the commercial parking lot.

As I was walking by there, there was a family that I assumed that had parked their car for the game and they were having a snowball fight.

The parents (well I guess I’m assuming) and the child who had to been about 8 years old, stopped throwing snowballs and for about 30 seconds just stopped to silently stare at me, like I was some kind of scary smoking creature.

As a person, I probably would’ve not taken offense as while I wasn’t close enough to them where my smoking should’ve been that issue for a child, even though one of the snowballs grazed me.

Had they not given me the judgemental silent scare and would’ve apologized, I would’ve probably politely told them they were throwing dirty old snow, filled with pigeon pee and feces, as well as human, in addition to how much filth snow can collect in a parking lot that had received a lot of snow, the week prior.

The thing is, I get odd looks now because I’m not attractive or visually appealing in any way.

I turned 50 exactly a week ago, but about 2 years ago, I kind of with my medical health issues had to let my appearance go, not just within regards to weight, but not trying anymore nor caring about my appearance.

As it’s just super tough on a really bad day, which I stay at home, but never having any good days where I physically feel good, to make it through the day due to my medical disabilities, which can leave me vulnerable, when getting out, so my concern the little I get out, is not to fall or faint like I do at home, going in more detail in my last 2 blogs.

It would be easier to accept my outwardly appearance if I didn’t physically feel so bad on the inside.

For someone who is a recluse for the most part in the last 2 years, my appearance sadly is problematic for other people.

It’s easier though to accept judgement from strangers, not easy but easier, as I get that they don’t understand that I’m more then the lazy ugly fat stupid slob they’ve pegged me to be, even though I’m not stupid or lazy.

It’s harder such as when I went to the ER last week and in January and they treated me based upon assumptions about my appearance given the fact that I could CLEARLY articulate my symptoms and the consequences of them.

It’s harder such as when I called 911 last Memorial Day Weekend due to a man making a terroristic threat, describing him perfectly but not myself and he had said he had thought about killing me and he was harassing me  as well as others after he left me alone and it’s not a stretch, should’ve the police came, while he still was harassing me,  for them to think somehow my contact with him was wanted and consensual when it was terrifying.

My skin is old. It’s dry from dehydration and ruddy.

I look so old and sickly, in addition to not being visually attractive in any any way.

I am hypersensitive to stimuli, so I feel like I’m on fire when it’s sunny out, whether it’s 9 degrees or 90, but am cold when I’m not in the sun and it’s less than 65 degrees out.

While most of the time, too much of it, in the last 18 years have spent projectile vomiting, I have eroded and missing teeth.

Because I am bloated in addition to being of weight, despite my inability to not eat much and throw up a lot, especially in the last year,  even when I haven’t ingested food, liquids or medicine, in addition to the severe chronic pain and headaches.

I’m not anti-people based upon the behavior of the people yesterday or the people who’ve bullied me for the last 45 years.

As I know there is a lot of good people in this world.

I’m not anti-physician, even though I’ve had bad experiences with a majority of  physicians most of my life due to being fat or when I was thin, the experiences weren’t much better because I had resorted to bariatric surgery to lose weight.

As I know there are a lot of good physicians and other medical staff, not just at the hospitals I’ve mentioned in my blog including Fairview, but nationally and around the world.

I’m not anti-police, as I’ve never had a bad encounter with any of our local police or any police officer in my entire life, just a non-existent encounter when there should’ve been,  last Spring.

And I didn’t need to be a niece of a former NYPD officer to feel that way.

But this is the way I DO feel…

And I’m sure other people who experience bias, bigotry and bullying for most of the lives, this is the thing I need to reiterate.

These ARE NOT isolated incidents for most of us.

I’ve been bullied lifelong thousands and thousands of times, primarily for what I look like, less so because I am Jewish and because I’m NOT a great Jew, quite a bit of that I’ve been bullied or biased against by people in that community.

It wasn’t any better when I was really smart, hardworking  and a “good girl” as when I was young, ironically I got bullied for being a goody-goody, especially a fat one.

I have spent way more time in my blog, talking about my mistakes and failures than that of others,  so that they don’t have the same consequences on other people, like they did to to me and those I love the most, no matter how unintentional some of those consequences were.

I wish though other people, in this day and age, would pay more attention on their lives and behavior that could hurt others than assumptions about mine, when they don’t know me and are making judgements based upon just what I look like, now.

I will literally NEVER be comfortable in this skin that I’m in.

To stay somewhat sane and to be able to fulfill the small but meaning purpose that I have as an activist, I’ve had to try at least be figuratively comfortable in this skin that I’m in and be grateful for what I still can do and what it contains, as poorly as I feel,  the little I do well.

I know I’m NOT the only one who struggles with bias, bigotry and bullying that has compromised my life and made it a lot harder than it had to be.

So for those who can relate, I wish this wasn’t a club we had membership in.

And for those who can’t relate and don’t realize that even if their hate is exclusive to even just one person, they aren’t alone in their quest to make another miserable.

Whether it’s another 2 people or 2,000 (which is more in the realm of how many people hate on me with such a limited online and offline presence, as I found out when doing activism several years ago and got picked on by a fat people hate group online) of people trying to hurt you in some way.

Nor did I have any better luck when right before my gastric bypass in 2001, I did try offline fat acceptance groups and wasn’t welcomed even though I made no mention that I had planned to have bariatric surgery, I never got even return hello, so I can’t blame that in that community for my personality, maybe because truthfully, I wasn’t fat enough.

And whether I’d lose another 60 lbs to be considered of a lower acceptable healthy weight or gain a 100 lbs to be considered possessing a more fat friendly exterior, I still would have little energy that comes with acceptance in most communities online and off, as it applies to current standards of beauty.

As on the rare day  if I can take a shower and get dressed, and do one activity, I’m absolutely exhausted without doing anything else, spending an hour doing my makeup or hair, ain’t gonna happen.

There is absolutely NOTHING  wrong with wanting to look and be at one’s best both inside and out, regardless of how much or how little space one takes up.

There is something terribly wrong and it needs to be said that trying to demean and shame  other human beings because they don’t fit another’s aesthetic or ideal that  can be irreversibly physically and emotionally damaging, if not life ending to another, if people can’t find it within themselves to stop judging, shaming and bullying others for looking and being different, especially when that difference has no consequence on how another lives THEIR life..

Important Note: Anything that could be hurtful to myself or any of my readers will NOT be published.

A few more observations about how flawed #mhealthfairview ‘s ER department is, then I’ll let this go…

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Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, this blog is more personal in nature but to make an activism point.

HOWEVER, I will always encourage people in medical and/or mental health crisis to seek immediate evaluation and treatment in acute care facility i.e. hospital.

But as a patient in a bigger body, who’s received inefficient and ineffective care when actually seeking emergent medical treatment, the only thing I can say and the reason why I’m still alive to say it, is I’ve had to fight harder to get treatment in the past, as well as the little I do now, to still be here to talk about this.


I can’t go back and try and re-edit my last blog which goes into great detail about a bad ER visit I had at Fairview U of MN’s ER on 12/4/2019, which I highlight more about the attending controlling physician being kind of misogynist and fat phobic but realizing I knew from the start I was going to have problems during that ER visit of not being taken seriously for the reasons why I was there.

It happened to be last Thanksgiving, exactly a week ago and last Saturday, I could eat a couple of bites of cereal or toast, then end up throwing up immediately or hours after, in addition to left quadrant and other mid abdominal pain.

The one thing I also had on Saturday and I have it every few months is a ventricular tachycardia episode.

I didn’t say anything though about my ventricular tachycardia episode because it’s normal for me and other people that I know of that have Gastroparesis after gastric bypass reversal (which is fairly common for us reversed peeps) , as well as those who have Gastroparesis who’ve never been overweight.

I, in 2016, weighed quite a bit less,but was sick of then the problems I had eating so I actually thought about having a total gastrectomy and started seeing GI at the U of MN.

So how I know I have Gastroparesis even though it’s not that I’ve been formally diagnosed with it, is that I actually had a gastric emptying study Summer of 2016 at the same hospital that I was in the ER last Tuesday, that indicated that I had Gastroparesis.

My weight fluctuates wildly for someone who hasn’t been thin for over 11 years, 18 years status post gastric bypass and over 9 years status post gastric bypass reversal.

While it’s not normal even for me, prior to my gastric bypass to every few years be up gaining and losing 40-80 lbs, it’s been that way since my reversal.

This is the issue and while I’m still going to file a grievance with my visit, even though there was no malice on the part of any of the hospital staff  and even I can understand where one of my symptoms I have that could be considered not acute (such as intermittent left quadrant pain for OVER a year) but paired with vomiting and syncope episodes and an honest belief that I had acute pancreatitis if not other issues, as I have every organ in my abdominal region including gallstones in gallbladder and my appendix is that I was treated due to my weight of last year which put be me in almost borderline MO BMI territory, is that I still do NOT have any ACTUAL co-morbidities of Obesity.

Just a big bloated fat body and it’s been way bigger in the last year, while I’m up almost 40 lbs since that stupid gastric emptying test in 2016, I’m down almost 50 lbs since my heaviest a year ago.

I had a great GI nurse practitioner at the U of MN, the reason why I stopped going to her or seeing a GI surgeon is that I refused to have a naso-gastric 24 hour monitoring test. And I was told the chances of my having a total gastrectomy for having a hard time eating and the little that I could eat of it feeling being stuck forever, wasn’t going to happen.

In late Winter of 2017, I actually saw a GI surgeon at HCMC, about a ventral hernia repair and realized I wasn’t even going to do that, because I found the hospital scary even though the surgeon was great and didn’t want an inpatient procedure there.

I do not have the sanity points do keep seeking acute and non acute care, when it seems like most physicians can only see my Obesity or overweight and try to diagnose disease or syndromes based upon having a larger body that doesn’t have ANY of those diseases.

Or they use the fact I have mental health issues and/or the fact I get pain meds to make assumptions about me medically and mentally that are just NOT true and aren’t evident in behavior or tests.

My long term boyfriend who’s never been overweight, eats like crap actually does have high blood pressure, high cholesterol and Diabetes due to family history that is well controlled with medication.

He however NEVER has to put up the with the shit I do, the little I seek medical attention in the last several years by any medical professional or physician.

For someone in my case where I had a great bariatric surgeon and still have a great PCP who are Fairview doctors, the Obesity and Opiate obsession by most of the physicians and medical staff that has existed not just at this hospital and their ER department, but across the board, is appalling.

I get that it was medically evident that I didn’t need to be at the ER on Tuesday.

The problem is, the next time it might be medically evident that I should be in an ER or seek specialty care, I will NOT go and really no one could blame me.

Nothing I’m saying shouldn’t ever prevent any physician from catching what could be in me or another patient an Obesity related medical event.

But I’ll never actually get diagnosed and treated effectively  based upon bias and barriers by even the most qualified physicians if they are going to base my medical care upon what I look like or find that I’m not credible based upon something like BMI, a non violent mental health history and current medication regimen that doesn’t contain medication for ANY Obesity related diseases.

I hope this spares any larger patient from having the same problems I’ve had in getting medical care, but it’s even worse when someone is heavy post bariatric surgery, is heavy and despite best attempts can’t get their body weight down, even though they can’t eat much and quite often, anything to have to keep going through crap.

The health issues are bad enough.

Not being believed and/or taken seriously, is actually worse, though.

What should come first, people or the planet? #ClimateChange initiatives should NOT come with #publicshaming …

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Important Disclaimers: I’m not a trained medical, mental health, law enforcement or public safety specialist. I do believe that action and behavior modifications are needed to save our planet now and for future generations.

I do believe though that actions can be taken too far where it could be to the detriment of public safety and peace of mind, that’s why I feel the need to say something about the global protests yesterday regarding Black Friday and Amazon.

File this under the 9,125, 479th thing I’d rather not be talking about.

I’m all for peaceful protests.

The problem is there is so many protests for so many causes it’s at risk of people becoming apathetic to causes.

I NEVER go shopping on Black Friday online or offline, usually because I’m too poor, to be able to do that.

On the off chance I have money, I don’t like crowds at retailers and I get annoyed by all the Black Friday emails I get.

The thing is that people already have enough to worry about with their online and offline lives.

Going shopping where I live in a big city, already there’s some risk of safety issues as criminals know people will be out at the stores on Black Friday and when there are major events in the city I currently reside in, which is Downtown Minneapolis.

As well as the risk of being hacked, viruses and identity theft online, all of which I’ve been a victim in the past.

I also get that if it’s my mission as an activist to save people and for people to have a place to live in, they have to have a functioning planet to exist in.

Which other people do Climate Change activism way better than I could ever, so that’s why I leave it to them.

The problem though in this day and age, is that groups of people who are shaming others for being a consumer, online and offline, itdoesn’t help anyone both in the short term or long term.

I know from advocacy I do for affordable housing, it isn’t poor people who fund that, it’s people of means and wealthy people who do.

Shaming really has never been an effective tool in people to change their basic nature.

Most people have a habit that could have a long lasting adverse impression or consequence on someone directly or indirectly, intentional or not due to human nature.

If you’re the rare person who built their home out of recycle goods, grow your own food, don’t smoke, drink, eat too much, take any drugs, shop, drive distracted or use technology, well more power to you.

But your right in public, does have consequences on others, even well intentioned, such as going too far to try and save Earth at great expense to human psyches and possibly human safety.

Some people are going to fall in the category of choosing the lesser of two evils, whether it be smoking to not doing illegal drugs, shopping instead of overating and being on the internet too much to quit drinking or not gamble.

I think Amazon is too big and unregulated and that’s why, even with my poor person’s monthly discount, I quit it, several months ago, even though they have great customer service.

I did that and similar things quietly, not everyone needs to know everything I do and why I do it.

The people I try to help, I take shame out of the equation, as that doesn’t help anyone.

I’m not saying be like me.

Most people are probably better off NOT being like me.

I am saying though take into consideration, people having the right to as much peace of mind and safety when in their homes and out of it and that should be taken in consideration when trying to save absolutely anything, including human beings, themselves.



A little over 9 years status post #gastricbypassreversal , was it worth it???

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Very Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional. Anyone who’s had bariatric surgery and is in medical or mental health distress, needs to be evaluated and treated by  qualified clinically trained professionals (i.e. physicians, surgeons, psychiatrists and other type of medical and mental health professionals) in person and depending on degree of medical and mental health distress, in an acute care facility (i.e. hospital).

It will however be very apparent, in my blog why I borderline practice medicine and psychiatry in my blog when presented with a patient in some kind of crisis, with above disclaimers being made very clear.


The *MOST*  frequent question I get asked by people when they hear I’ve had a gastric bypass reversal is that if I have any regrets of having my reversal.

It still kind of shocks me, because people ask that more than if I have any regrets over having a gastric bypass.

I don’t regret having a gastric bypass reversal, I would’ve died in 2010 without it.

The next most frequently asked question I get, is will one get fat after a reversal.

That’s a tougher question and that question probably is the reason why I end up having to borderline remotely practice medicine and psychology, even though I have no formal education or licensing, in either specialty.

There’s a devasting desperation in patients like that, though.

Whether it’s a patient who’s been told by a bariatric surgeon that they need one to save their life, they have peers and possibly other clinically trained professionals who pose that question to a patient in medical crisis and potentially mental health distress, in a patient who’s already worrying about that, in the first place.

Or they have a bariatric surgeon who won’t perform a reversal, even though their patient is at risk of death.

Well, if you’re dead you won’t be at risk of getting fat.

You could possibly be buried in a very  teeny tiny coffin.

Above 2 sentences are definitely NOT  my original replies to that question obviously, to a patient in crisis, it’s more of an attempt for a patient to see the gravity of their situation that they’re in, that’s after my  getting an idea if and what any trauma led to a gastric bypass as a medical intervention and what trauma post gastric bypass a patient has experienced, and in my case I’ve written in several blogs what personally happened to me, where I was of heavier weight than most reversal patients and what played into that.

Would you do it again?

Do what, again?

My gastric bypass or reversal?


Yeah, it was the only alternative to, like,  NOT  dying.

Well, what about then, would you have a gastric bypass again???

Um, no.

I don’t regret having a gastric bypass.

I couldn’t have  and no one else at the time I had it in 2001, could’ve forecasted my complications.

I stopped asking why my complications happened to me, a long time ago.

The why, doesn’t help anything or anyone, including me.

The hardest thing is, at almost 9 years post reversal, is how cyclical my ability to eat and/or the rare time I try or don’t even try that it’s much harder to lose weight, even though, I’ve had years, like this one, where it’s very hard to eat again.

And when I can’t eat, my reactive hypoglycemia comes back again, so I’m experiencing fainting and falling again, kind of frequently.

My labs though, just recently in the last 9 years are oddly normal, for how hard it is to eat again, especially in the last year.

While I’m recently showing signs of an ulcer, it doesn’t feel like multiple duodenal ulcers which I had for several years, prior to my reversal and can’t say that is bariatric surgically related.

I turn 50 in 12 days.

I had my gastric bypass, 3 days after my 32nd birthday.

I live my small life, looking that I’ve been on borrowed time in the last 11 1/2 years.

Not everyone though has let their complications, a need for a reversal, ruin their life like I let it ruin mine.

Chances are, while I know people who had more of a difficult long term recovery medically and mentally, most people do well long term, post reversal.

The other population of people that I help wanting a gastric bypass reversal bears mentioning it again, as I have discussed them in past blogs:

That is patients who have bariatric surgical regret, not fully realizing that the limitations, at least initially in the first year, possibly 2, that they can eat, but is within the range of normal for a gastric bypass patient.

The reason why it bears repeating, as again, I end up again having to borderline practice medicine and psychology with patients like that.

And there’s sorely lacking of peer and professional support, where when so many patients are happy with the drastic changes they have to make in eating to support their surgeries and cannot understand the regret of a few of their peers.

In that scenario, actually ALL of them, eventually lose their bariatric surgical regret.

Every patient who has found me, who was suicidal due to the realization of what they did to their digestive system, not only eventually do they find peaceful acceptance where they had surgery, most  ended up happy that they did.

But it’s crucial  to acknowledge that feeling of loss, that they aren’t an isolated case, mourning not being able to use food as a coping mechanism.

Because it’s an isolating and devasting feeling that needs to be acknowledged, if  a patient is going to have any chance of acting in a manner that best supports their medical and psychological needs, when experiencing  bariatric surgical regret and it goes unsupported, if not stigmatized by professionals and fellow peers.

No bariatric surgeon wants to do a reversal.

They won’t do it, if it’s NOT medically indicated.

Absolutely NO  pre-operative gastric bypass patient should ever think that a gastric bypass reversal is ever done for reasons like that, not just because of my experience, but because a long term post reversal outcome, is just too unpredictable.

It will save a patient’s life, with all of us who had reversals having unique outcomes on what we’re able  do with those lives, which will vary.

I’m sorry for those who were looking for an update, that you had to wait so long.

I’m sorry for those who are need of a reversal, that you’re going through what you are.

I’m glad that there is more avenues for support, such as support groups on social media and  internet, as well as more reversal peers are also blogging and vlogging about their experiences.

I hope this helps and if it doesn’t, that those in need seek out support, as it’s out there, both online and offline.

As well as I’m dedicated to supporting the gastric bypass reversal community, as long as I can do it justice and that’s why I’ve talked about as long as I have, in case if I’m not  be able to do this any longer, I’m hoping I’ve given others, the tools they need, with other peer and professional help, to not only survive a gastric bypass reversal, but thrive.

Note: Anything that isn’t constructive to myself or any patient population mentioned in blog, will NOT be posted.



Amazing ob/gyn vlogger takes down #TI …


Important Disclaimers: While I thought about as a medical/mental health activist for the last day, trying to address this issue,  an amazing OB/GYN  vlogger who I follow on You Tube addresses the horrific behavior of this rapper.

I had to think about my part, in what’s already making my skin crawl, of putting more of this out there about this young woman.

But then I think about how grotesque of what’s already been done to her.

And other women now coming out and admitting that  they were subjected just even just private exams for purity.

I think of young women who might have been raped by a family member, stranger and/or friend  and stayed silent, not willing to risk telling anyone and the shame that they feel that really isn’t theirs to bear.

I think of that trauma possibly leading to possibly future abusive relationships, addictions, if not suicidal thoughts or if not, a suicide.

And I can’t stand the thought of that.

It’s unacceptable.

This has to be part of a bigger discussion on where we go from here.

It’s horrible for anyone to not feel safe anywhere.

Especially for children in their own homes and this goes to show, socio-economics, race,religious and political beliefs aren’t a factor in this form of abuse and emotional assault, as it’s more widespread and women are finally coming out talking about it, since the TI story, broke.

For haters, you wanna come after me, for the mistakes I’ve made as a parent, that I don’t profit from in any way and talk about humiliatingly,  to remove stigma, so other parents don’t make the same mistakes I did and so what I put my children and family though, so unintentionally hurtful, so that others don’t make the same mistakes as I did, well knock yourself out with the hate and death threats.

To me!!!

However leave physicians, like the amazing physician in above vlog who delivers babies and is also an amazing educator, just like leave anyone else alone, who’s also called this out and definitely don’t revictimize the victims who have and will come forward!!!

For those who’ve been through this kind of trauma, I want you to know I’m so sorry you went through that, it should’ve never happened and I sincerely hope that if it doesn’t mean anything coming from me, I hope it comes from others where it’s more meaningful to you, if you haven’t either come forward, due to fear or because you said something and no one believed you.

I believe you and others will believe you, as well, if you ever feel comfortable coming forward and that’s something if you choose, needs to be done on YOUR timetable and if you never feel comfortable, that’s okay.

Note: Just because you have my opinion to expressly hate on me, if one is a predatory psychopath and thinks what TI did is okay, doesn’t mean I’m going to NOT report any death threats to the proper authorities !!!


Oh no, SHE didn’t!!!

Unfortunately, OH YES SHE DID!!!

I’m talking about celebrity Miley Cyrus, who I normally like and respect  as an artist and activist, went on an androphobic rant that could have potential setbacks for the LGBTQIA community, which that I won’t even address that, in this blog.

SO, I’ll just stick to the misandry and potential androphobic comments she made on social media this last weekend, on Instagram.

Actually, those comments weren’t potentially androphobic they were full of her own misandry issues and  ANDROPHOBIC!!!

It’s not my place to analyze  of WHY she would say what she did about men, on such a broad damning spectrum.

However, it IS my place, to call it out, when someone has that amount of influence, although it would be wrong even if someone had NO influence, when it  can be so harmful and wrong to any population of people, with what they say.

And it’s even worse, in our society today, where in case of  bias against men, it’s still repulsively so acceptable to do that to a man, just because they’re a man.

I’ve said in past blogs, that it’s not okay to hold all men accountable, for the repugnant behavior of some of them.

As women rape and assault  other women, as well as men, kill and emotionally and physically abuse, too.

I learned this a long time ago, when learning fully to accept LGTBQIA issues and rights, in my very  early 20’s, even though I never hated gay people or gay issues, I just had trouble understanding them.

I used to do volunteer work in a battered women’s shelter as a crisis phone line operator, which gave some time, to talk to some of the residents.

I remember one time there was a resident there, who was explaining her history, that she had been raped multiple times  from the time she was a young child to her late teens by her biological father and she got pregnant.

She wasn’t in that shelter though because of the rapist dad, she was in there because her female partner battered her.

My initial thought, being so naive at 20, was sadness that in that case, thinking how she could possibly trust anyone, with so much trauma, going forward for her.

Then I realized , hopefully she could find someone eventually, male or female to trust.

Trauma can be caused by anyone of any gender, race, religion, weight, political affiliation and of any age to anyone, depending on who they are dealing with.

It’s NOT being misogynist by point that out, that it should be completely unacceptable, to demonize any population of people.


I can’t believe in late 2019, that I, a disabled reclusive activist, has to point out that if it’s NOT okay to gender bash women (which it definitely isn’t ), it’s most certainly NOT okay, to gender bash, perpetuate dangerous myths and hate on men, just because they are men!!!

Note: Comments that aren’t constructive, will NOT be posted…

In hopes that #MetastaticBreastCancer doesn’t claim another wonderful woman…

In loving memory of  Angela Suzanne ( September 19th,1969- October 31th, 2018)…

“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch”. -Jack Thorne

There is the thirteen.

Actually, it is now, eleven.

I remember in Winter of 2010, my aunt was hospitalized suddenly, at the age of 65, it was a little over a  week before my nephews b’nai mitzvah.

I had a bad feeling about her hospital admission. My Aunt, who at the age of 26 in the mid 1970’s was diagnosed late with congenital heart issues and had one of the very first pacemakers.

I remember being in a car, telling my father and son, after we left my Mom and Dad’s house, after trying on some outfits to wear to that b’nai mitzvah, at my Mom and Dad’s house that I didn’t think my Aunt, who was my Mom’s oldest sister,  would come home from the hospital.

While I’m not in the slightest, psychic, I tragically was right.

She died a few days later.

One thing that stuck with me, was because in the same week there was to be a funeral and a b’nai mitzvah (my nephews who are close in age, had their bar mitzvahs at the same time) the Rabbi, said something striking.

YOU don’t cancel a simcha (a joyous gathering in Hebrew) because of a death in a family, life still goes on and it’s meant to be celebrated for the survivors, it doesn’t take away the loss the loved ones feel, but it would be remiss not to concentrate on love and happiness, even during a tragedy.

But it was tragedy to all of us, I was so devastated that G-d took her instead of me, as I would’ve died without my gastric bypass reversal in 2010, but for how sick and heartbroken that  I was, that I didn’t even go to the b’nai mitzvah because my Aunt died instead.

My son and my daughter in law got married, a little less than  2 weeks after he proposed in May of 2018 on Mother’s Day weekend.

While I’m sure quite a few people though they got married in a rush, because my daughter-in-law was pregnant, that wasn’t the case.

The reason why they got married quickly, was that my son’s mother-in-law had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that had quickly spread.

Not that anyone would know from looking at her, as my daughter in law’s mother was absolutely gorgeously radiant, the day of their wedding.

Not that I would know, because I never met that wonderful woman.

Because, it had been so long since I’d seen anyone from family, other than my children,parents and and daughter in-law to be , I didn’t want to bring negative attention to myself, by attending as it been so long since I’ve seen so many of my family members, as I wanted the attention to be on the gorgeous bride and groom and the beautiful loving woman (my son’s Mother in-law to be) who with her gorgeous daughter and they looked like twins practically, planned a gorgeous wedding in less than 2 weeks.

I do not regret not attending the wedding.

I didn’t belong there for the reasons that I have stated.

I regret more than anything, however, that I never met the wonderful woman that was my son’s mother-in-law.

I never got to thank her for how wonderful she was, not only to my son, but to my daughter, as well.

As well as it saddens me to no end, that their 1st anniversary fell on the first Mother’s Day without her.

When I refer to the “thirteen” or the “eleven”, those are people I’d gladly die for.

That would be my children, my parents, my sisters, my nephews and my boyfriend.

I would’ve gladly, especially for how sick I was in 2010 and would’ve died for my Aunt Susan, who loved life, never complained and lived life to the fullest, with a zest and was so fun loving.

Angela Suzanne, my daughter in-law’s mother who I never met, was an amazingly wonderful loving mother. She was a loving daughter, mother, mother in-law, sister, aunt and friend. She was a hard worker and while she was many good things, the most she treasured was being a mother, and her love just didn’t extend to pride about how wonderful her daughter was, but my son, as well.

And if I could’ve died her in place, I would’ve as well.

She should’ve had the opportunity to be the wonderful loving grandmother that she would’ve been.

She should’ve seen my daughter-in-law turn 21.

She should’ve not had to fight so hard to stay alive and die a horribly brutal and painful death, which was hastened by how hard she fought and the treatments she sought so willingly to buy time to spend with those she loved the most, even though they made her so sick.

Truthfully, I have not seen my daughter in-law since her mom passed.

Because I’m terrified, as I don’t possess the loving wisdom that her Mom, did that could bring her in any comfort.

And I’ll never have the right words to explain the travesty that was her Mom’s disease and her death and how heartbroken I am for them.

And because we don’t get to choose on who’s place we take when death comes, there isn’t anything I can or do, to show how sorry I am, for the biggest loss any young woman has to bear, when tragically losing the mother she loved so much, who fought so hard to stay alive, for her.

As well as the horrific loss that the rest of her family has and is feeling.

The only thing that brings me a tiny bit of comfort is that she raised so lovingly a wonderful daughter and that everyone who knew Angela, was better for it.

But, I can’t stop thinking of my future grandchildren, even though they will live on being a part of her, should’ve had the amazing wonderful blessing that having her as a grandmother, would’ve brought them.

That my daughter in-law, as well as her entire family should’ve had more time, with that wonderful amazing woman.

The only thing I can do and I will, going forward,  is raise money and awareness for metastatic breast cancer, in addition to the other medical activism that I do. .

Until, there is a cure and if not, better and less invasive treatment options that don’t cause side effects that are almost just as bad as the disease itself, when it comes to metastatic breast cancer.

I turn 50, in a little over 2 months. What I am hoping for, is to raise as much money as possible for the American Cancer Society.

In hopes that while Angela Suzanne didn’t live to see 50, that other mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandchildren and friends will be able to see their loved ones turn 50, if not for those who die younger, as well as love on their future grandchildren, if not their actual kids,  that they should’ve lived to see, grow.

If not older, than longer than they should’ve had.


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