It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘MEDICAL ADVOCACY’ Category



This blog is with the intent to provide some kind of showing of care, concern and comfort for those who are suffering or feeling some level of grief stricken in time of global loss of life and sudden major change of life circumstances that are filled with uncertainty.

I’ve found while above song that I’m linking is perfect as it is, in the chorus “bring them all back to life”, I’ve added in my head “please don’t let them die” and “please let them all stay alive”, help me identify the sense of empathy I have for those who are suffering, and a desire to show caring, even though there’s so next to nothing I can do, other than that and identify how demoralizing it can feel so powerless.

As well give safe space  for  humans to help stay united, in our joined humanity and caring for others, that just putting out there that others have concern and compassion, can hopefully help someone who needs gentle reminding in time of suffering, that others care enormously about them and their loved ones and their losses.

Anyways I’m so sorry for those who are suffering for so many different reasons and I’m so  terribly sorry for your loss.

Just like #COVID19 doesn’t care, neither does other health conditions…



Important Disclaimers: I am not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional but a human who does blog to do constructive activism about life and death circumstances as well as as I have an obligation to do NO harm of anything I put out in the internet.

This is more though of a personal blog that hopefully in addition to helping me vent, it will help others who while feeling horrible about the suffering COVID-19 is causing so many, whether it be patients, physicians and health care professionals, first responders and like all human beings, who had some form of suffering medically and/or circumstances prior to the pandemic, that they aren’t alone and while right now  physicians and other healthcare providers have to be focused on fighting the pandemic while trying to NOT die from it, the only thing we may have in the meantime, for those who are sensitive to not cause either physical or emotional harm to any human, is to vent now and try to do some form of activism or peer support, in the future.

In my case though, for how poorly I’ve felt before the pandemic, that I have symptoms all the time of the flu or COVID-19 and couldn’t be sure that I don’t have it, I do have Cellulitis (not confirmed, just every symptom I had on the opposite side of my face when I had it confirmed and was admitted for IV antibiotics 3 months ago), which I’ve written blogs about that and other health issues I’ve had both recently and for a long time now.

As well as in increase in intractable severe lower back and sciatica pain in the last 6 weeks.

This blog will be wordy,ranty and profanity laced, if that’s an issue, I’d advise you to stop reading now, although valid points I’m ranting about could help others.

The activist edition of this in non profanity and in less ranty form, will be forthcoming when physically and mentally try to make peace of all of this, not just my own suffering, but so many others and for so many reasons.

I really wanted to title this “my severe chronic pain and other health issues doesnt give a fuck about the COVID-19 crisis, unfortunately”…

Or title this like how I feel about  above meme at the top “physician bullshit prejudices regarding opiates for severe chronic pain management will fucking kill patients”.

I am by full admission a total pain in the ass, as a patient to treat from a medical management point of view.

I have a super high tolerance to opiates, which I have gotten for pain control, after trying non opiate/conrolled substances and non pharmaceutical options in the past as well as metabolization issues or horrible side effects from medications in all therapy classes and in all delivery forms.

And bizarrely I had this problem prior to my gastric bypass and reversal in the last 18 years, finding this out in labor 27 1/2 years ago with my son and 4 epidurals didn’t work at all and other labor medication made me really sick.

The problem with being poor and on medicare, is that a lot of things suggested when advising patients, if not demanding them to non pharmaceuticals when it comes to pain management aren’t covered, other than chiro which I did try 10 years ago and was agonizing and had no therapeutic so after 12 treatments in a 3 week period, I stopped.

I tried pain management in 2003 and epidural injections didn’t work.

(I also tried in 2016 which I ended up blogging about).

Even in 2004 when discovering a love of intense exercise (enough to go to school to be a fucking certified personal trainer) I’d workout intensely with pain, but needed by then to be put on a lower dose of opiates to control lower back pain to be able to workout.

The last thing I want to do is offend or trigger people when I say a few things as far as chemical dependency is concerned but am going to say it, anyways.

I’d rather die or be dead than live life and or die from drug addiction and I realize the mix blessing that opiates and other medications don’t stay in my system long enough to develop a physical dependence.

And as much empathy as I have for people with drug addiction issues, my last residence in an apartment building that was riddled with crime as a result of drug addiction, in poor people who felt and behaved like  that they had nothing to lose, nearly psychologically broke me and I was in a state of severe anxiety, unrelenting due the safety risks they posted and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I’ve addressed to help though trying to remove stigma in those with CD issues whether they be civilians, first responders and in physicians themselves, as well advocating physician support and first responders from civilians/non clinical peers in trying to help prevent suicide.

My long term physician warned from the start, that being on opiates, the longer on them, I could wind up developing such a high tolerance that no amount worked.

In my case a high amount does work, giving me a 2 hour being in less pain (I’m never pain free and I can’t take opiates for headaches, abdominal pain or dental/facial cellulitis pain).

I have to take in addition to 2 prescription headache meds, a ton of acetaminophen to control severe daily headaches and proceed with opiates cautiously as I can get bounce back migraines from them, but that usually happens from IV opiates which I break out in hives and haven’t been on since I had my gastric bypass reversed.

To get rid of pain with NSAIDs it takes me 4 or 5 times the recommended maximum dose of ibus to lessen my back pain.

I’ve had a GI bleed history without NSAIDs and when I’ve had to resort to taking them post reversal (it’s almost always for certain a horrible option in bariatric patients but that has to come from their particular treating physicians, if they ever should be used whether in pain management or cardiac issues)  as well as patients listed in above NIH study.

This is how I feel right now, as my meds are being pulled due to inability to be compliant on current strength.

I knew that for the last year or 2, that I was reaching less efficacy in already bizarre effectiveness measure in me, on my current strength but there was a refusal to raise it.

So when I became more afraid of the pain being unbearable, as it became with my back in the last 6 weeks,  I did increase my strength in my dose and electronically notified my physician.

When it became an issue of that if it couldn’t be raised and it had to be pulled, where I am getting pulled of them, due to my physician’s grace and trying to do the right thing of giving me time to titrate down to go off them.

I’m NOT addicted to any of my prescription medications and I don’t need that time, if I can’t be on an amount which this is all about that I get a therapeutic benefit, there’s no need to be on them at all.

But there is in me a dire need to get a regular pain break and where it could be argued that I do show some non compliance with an opiate in what I did with increasing strength, it also could be said in my defense with the wacky metabolization issues I have in most therapy classes, that I’m going to need more medications than most people, sometimes a lot more and I think that it’s putting me in a dangerous situation, where lots of physicians now don’t want to prescribe long term opiates or even short term even in patients who are still inpatient from surgery.

When I’ve asked my doctor and other doctors when they look at me like I’m insane for saying that I do take quite a bit more than the recommended dose of OTCs like I do , their recommendation is “take the recommended dosage”.

The recommended dosage does not work, twice, thrice and four times the recommended dosage for Ibuprofen doesn’t work in me.

What does that mean, in my case or those similar to me, I get NOTHING for severe intractable localized and widespread pain that only works really on one area and I’m on my own if my body has an inability get a therapeutic benefit from antibiotics and other therapy classes at the recommended maximum dose?

What happens and I worry as an activist for those who are in chronic pain and because they can’t get pain medications so they find a dealer and accidentally overdose?

That won’t happen to me and I’m not trying to be an asshole nor do I think it’s a mental health issue saying I’d rather be dead or die than try a life of illegal ways for pain control.

I know in my case my physician who’s super smart and empathetic did try in the last 16 years to help with pain, not liking my being on any controlled substances.

At the same time, it’s hard to ask why now? I have a bacterial infection in my face and digestive systerm (as I still have c-diff despite a rigorous course of antibiotics that I got from the treatment of the Cellulitis and that I’ve also had now for over 3 months).

I mean honestly I’m fucking a 1000 times more likely to die from bacterial infections and should I get COVID-19, that’s assuming I don’t have it already, as while I was homebound prior to the pandemic even starting, I still distance from who I live with who does have health risks and is also essential personnel and is working right now in a position that doesn’t allow him to social distance.

But the Cellulitis and Clostridium Difficile are potentially life threatening without COVID-19.

This fucking sucks, is all I want to say  is it just fucking does and if someone is going through something similar that you aren’t alone and hopefully I can go back to be an activist for others in helps to support during the epidemic, critically ill patients like Cancer patients to have better treatment options and other serious health issues, as well as the other activism I do all year around.

Important Note: If you don’t have anything to say that’s constructive, please don’t say anything at all. Thanks!!!

Learn how to save a life!!!

3345e3c9eefa83157decb4c65c679ea3 (crisis global mental health)

(note: I’ve found above channel that produced above video, to have a library of instructional videos for important life saving techniques, there are others though that if you want to share in comments, feel free, thanks).

Important Disclaimers: Nothing I say should replace clinically trained professional medical and/or mental health, emergency first response or public safety as I have NO training.

However, I do believe that almost everyone can and should learn emergency first aid.

Especially in a time where resources are being taxed and we are all feeling vulnerable, if you have internet access and free time, there are free resources that teach important life saving techniques until help arrives that buys precious time for loved ones or one’s self (i.e. such as recognizes signs of CVA/Stroke in self or other).

I couldn’t find recommendations as far as performing first aid in public during COVID-19, as while technique for hands free CPR has been around regarding other communicable diseases but may not protect a good samaritan who touches anyone with a lot of first aid techniques in the COVID-19 era.

And  first aid protocols recommend NOT putting oneself in danger, so it might help to evaluate before a crisis of being okay just calling 911 (or emergency services in your country), should a stranger need lifesaving first aid while COVID-19 is still such a threat.

For those who have disabilities like I do with long and short term memory loss, I revisit trusted first aid sites online for free at least 2x a year, and/or for those limited income but prior to becoming disabled, I was certified in Infant, Child and Adult CPR and first aid sometimes getting a discount on courses from American Red Cross most of my adult life, as it gave me peace of mind as a parent and then later it was necessary for professional reasons before disabilities hit, so that’s why I don’t get certified any longer.

Also something important to think about but not dwell too much on as far as citizen first aid response to a stranger.

In my case, where I already have a DNR/DNI AHD, knowing my strengths and weaknesses, in my case I’d probably assume the risk as a non professional to do full CPR, try to stop a major bleed, et cetera, where there would be a health risk to myself.

Given my disability sets, though for example, can’t swim very good any longer,  breathe great, etc, so I would just call 911 and try to get someone else to help if someone is drowning in a large body of water, as I’d probably drown first before I could save someone and that wouldn’t help anyone.

I am honestly not trying to be preachy, just saying that in the digital era it helps alleviate some worry knowing that in some medical emergency you can save a life, whether it be oneself, a loved one or a stranger.

Important Note: Clinical constructive feedback and/or suggestions welcome, as well as resource recommendations.

#SuicideAwareness and sensitivity to #suicide is still needed now, more than ever…

Everyone-is-fighting-a-battle-you-know-nothing-abo (crisis resources globally)

Important Disclaimers: I am not a clinically trained medical or mental health provider or am I trained in matters of public safety.

If you or someone you know is in danger by circumstances, themselves or others, please contact emergency services and/or a medical or mental health professional, immediately.


The catalyst for this blog is due to the caveat I have as an activist who does activism not just for medical crisis but for mental health ones.

My normal disclaimer would be in addition to contacting emergency services, would be get to an acute care facility, if someone is in potential mortal danger.

We’re in a global pandemic though with COVID-19 that is taxing resources, in multiple ways and ways no one has quite seen before.

And as I tried to get across in my last blog, someone for many reasons and of many kinds, is in crisis and has been since humankind has been on Earth.

As someone who does activism for “fighting to stay alive” and that also means different things to different people for multiple reasons, as well.

For those though who deal with depression and other mental health issues that could be fatal to themselves or others, where it’s still so stigmatized, this is a gentle reminder not to be rushing or harsh with judgement.

The most read blog of mine, ever is a blog I wrote almost 2 years ago titled “How to help those who are suicidal when they don’t want anyone to know that they are”.

It’s not my only blog regarding suicide awareness, prevention and ideation but it’s read 5 times as much as any of my other blogs about suicide combined  on a global scale (half my readers aren’t just not in the U.S. but North America) and twice as much as my most read blog on gastric bypass reversals, which while I really don’t want to be known well online or offline, like at all or like ever,  is probably a more unique thing I blog about.

I wanted to wait before writing this, being a little more clearheaded, having my own personal issues to deal with but the hits to that above mentioned blog and other blogs about suicide are being read more since COVID-19 became a global pandemic.

The thing I learned with my complex disabilities, is that it’s not just I who cannot help everyone, or even myself at times.

Which everyone can relate to, at some time in their life for multiple reasons.

But to remind that there is help without shame or stigma in multiple forms for those who are fighting a battle with severe depression, and/or other adverse medical, mental, environmental or circumstances tangible or not, to themselves or others,  to stay alive that if you’re in mortal danger, you need to contact immediately appropriate support services.

It helps to remind oneself of that.

It helps to remind oneself of a good thing they are capable of, I know this from being aesthetically unpleasing to most humans, for so long and my unique disabilities, sometimes you can’t see the good but it’s identifiable, even though in some of us, it’s intangible.

It helps to take breaks from constant stressors and while it may take work for those who have a tendency and it’s hard to separate from distressing thoughts, especially in trying times, it’s possible and it helps.

In my case reading a book or magazine or watching a travel video or listening to my favorite music helps.

I hope you can find a positive distraction that will work for you and it may take acute professional help to get to that place.

I can only hope that like any other serious blogs I write about life and death situations find it’s way to those who need help but can’t see why they and their life is worth fighting for, which is hard to see in a crisis of many kinds and that those in need, get that help so that they can give live the best possible life, given their circumstances and what that looks like in us is different and sometimes more evolving that we can cope with at times and there is no shame in needing help to see that.

Just know help is out there, others can relate to the most unique and or bizarre circumstances and you aren’t alone and others do care.


Important Note: Any feedback that is not constructive will not be posted. Thanks!!!

Conversations and actions that shouldn’t have needed the crisis that #COVID19 has presented, to occur…

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor trained in matters of public safety.

IF you or someone you know is at risk of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.


Unfortunately, with the last half of above disclaimer, which as a medical and mental health activist, where I’d include getting medical evaluation and treatment, it’s tricky given the crisis that novel coronavirus has caused in so many ways and on so many levels.

As someone who identifies as a medical and mental health activist, I’ve addressed issues of adversity on all populations of people, whether it’s the homeless or a neurosurgeon.

It’s with the hope to try and provide some kind of comfort as a blogger/activist, with my particular life experience of living life with an unwanted and undesirable “new normal” for over a 1/3 of my life when the last 16 years have been fraught with a lot of medical, mental and financial uncertainty and insecurity.

This way of living is something NO ONE ever wants to be an expert on, especially for as many of us who like most people where they could count on with their life being on some level of good and them being in control for the most part of how good it is for them and those they love.

Until some of us can’t, anymore.

In my case with my circumstances, I didn’t thrive after adversity which is the happy ending which people somehow think they need some kind of inspiration that after the storm passes there will be some big huge rainbow or happy ending and there isn’t one.

It shouldn’t have taken COVID-19 to highlight in such an awful spectacular way of how vulnerable we all are.

There’s been yucky “C” words for a long time that have killed people or changed their lives for the worse, for a long time now that have needed more research for prevention, better management or a cure, such as cancer, cardiovascular disease, cognitive disability/disease,chronic pain, complication, crisis and catastrophe.

Trying to help those when the yucky “c” words and all other bad things happen regardless of what what letter of the alphabet it begins with is something anyone can help with and it’s been heartwarming to see that happening, now on such a grand scale.

However…..Community, constructive communication, camaraderie, comfort, charity and compassion is something we needed long before novel coronavirus and it’s what will help sustain us and be better, after it’s long gone.

I can’t and don’t make a lot of promises, but I can tell you that one of the best things about the digital era, is the ability to find support that will help to get through any crisis.

I’m not promising it will make it easier, it will though help to know that you aren’t alone and others do care.

Important Notes: I cannot stress enough that clinically trained professional help is required for evaluation and treatment of anyone who’s in crisis which those professionals should be consulted and relied upon.

Given though the acute danger that COVID-19 is presenting to humans, as far as getting help in an acute care facility, while others cannot replace that essential necessary guidance, others still can provide valuable support in some form that can help.

Any feedback that is NOT constructive will NOT be published.

A factor that may be playing into domestic murder/suicides that we aren’t talking about but maybe we should be…


IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety.

IF you or someone you know is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please get professional help in appropriate facility or contact emergency services, right away.

Important Trigger Warnings: While past blogs of mine, as a non clinically trained professional have talked about what can play into murder/suicides or mass killings with rejection, rage and the need for revenge to be a factor.

While all of these are tragedies, sometimes the catalyst for these tragedies, make no sense when the murderer has NO prior history of being violent or violent mental health issues, addiction, etc.

If discussion of this topic, especially that might be an unusual one take on what could be a factor that has not been discussed yet, could possibly be a trigger to someone, please don’t read. Thanks!!!…


I haven’t been blogging lately, well I’ve just started, but haven’t published anything and while those blogs could help this particular issue, in my case of wanting as a an activist to talk about what can be done to prevent domestic murder/suicides but being limited on what I can do, other than write about it, I saw this article in People that’s linked above.

I have a great obligation, that while NO ONE asked me to take on, to be super sensitive that I do no additional psychic harm when talking these topics both to the survivors and the public and  I don’t have the training or qualifications that anything I should say should be of influence, maybe it’s worth saying though, on the off chance I could actually be right in thinking what the catalyst of some of these tragedies had foundation in, and what if, anything, that could’ve been done that might have been able to prevent them.

While, there’s so much in the news everyday of domestic murder suicide that I’ve talked about that DO have foundation in rejection, rage and the need of revenge, as terrifying as that is to talk about when they may be a factors when a family member murders their loved ones, there is other factors that need to be discussed.

Like LOVE.

BUT,  of and in the most wrong and misguided sense of the word, love.

If you read the above link about a father, who seemed like a LOVING father and husband, where the surviving family had no idea there wasn’t any trouble, maybe the only trouble that was tragically brewing was an unrecognized dangerous dysfunctional mindset of that father, thinking in some way  as tragically misguided as this could be and was, that maybe that him thinking it was an act of love and protection, as we do live in a scary world and in a world of 24/7 constant bombardment in all forms of media of how scary and cold this world can appear at times to some of us, if not all of us, at one time or another.

Which obviously doesn’t mean, a feeling of being unsafe is going to be a mortal threat to everyone, but we have to at least think about the fact it could very well be to some.

The blogs that I made mention that I’m still working on and would’ve wished to have finished them, before starting this one have foundations in hope, pain and future and what it’s like personally if one is devoid of hope for themselves but not necessarily for their loved ones or the entire world.

And where it bears mentioning in a blog of this nature, is the difference between someone dying of suicide and/or acting in a self destructive way not realizing they are hurting the ones they love the most, especially when they die but of those other than themselves they have left behind.

We have to at least think, talk and figure out without stigma, how as a society the intentions behind these tragic murder/suicides what their catalyst was and if we don’t take into consideration that some of them are not rooted in rejection, rage and the need of revenge, but out of a tragically misguided sense of love or what someone who’s capable of these tragedies thinks is love, we might have chance in possibly preventing future tragedies of this nature.

Important final notes: I did not omit suicide prevention resources, as an oversight, as vitally important and life saving as they are both when murder/suicides have a foundation in rage or the instances I brought up. I do believe, if you read top above link, that bringing up what I said in response to the link and talk socially among peers without stigma to educate that love doesn’t bring fatal harm and those who are in crisis to themselves, their loved ones and they are not being able to see that and are in danger of killing themselves and others, might help, including expanded existing initiatives and new ones.

Constructive feedback ONLY, please. Thanks!!!

For those suffering because of the skin they’re in or for what is contained in it…


Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional or have any education in law enforcement or public safety.

I will always encourage people in medical and mental health crisis, if they are in danger in hurting themselves or others to contact emergency services, immediately to get evaluation and treatment.

While this blog is somewhat personal in nature and will not just tie some of the things I’ve written in not only the last week, month, year but in over the 6 years I’ve been blogging, I’d bet in some form or another, while not everything I’ve gone through that others can relate on a deeply personal level, but I’m sure quite a few can to some of the things that I’ve gone through.


Late yesterday afternoon, I threw on some clothes to run to the convenience store as today and the next few days we are supposed to experience some inclement weather, similar to the bad weather we had in Minnesota over last Thanksgiving weekend.

I grabbed a bag of garbage to throw out on my way.

I live 4 blocks away from U.S. Bank Stadium, home of the Minnesota Vikings and there was a game yesterday.

I had waited about 90 minutes after the game ended to leave and after I threw out my garbage I lit a cigarette in the alley between my building and the commercial parking lot.

As I was walking by there, there was a family that I assumed that had parked their car for the game and they were having a snowball fight.

The parents (well I guess I’m assuming) and the child who had to been about 8 years old, stopped throwing snowballs and for about 30 seconds just stopped to silently stare at me, like I was some kind of scary smoking creature.

As a person, I probably would’ve not taken offense as while I wasn’t close enough to them where my smoking should’ve been that issue for a child, even though one of the snowballs grazed me.

Had they not given me the judgemental silent scare and would’ve apologized, I would’ve probably politely told them they were throwing dirty old snow, filled with pigeon pee and feces, as well as human, in addition to how much filth snow can collect in a parking lot that had received a lot of snow, the week prior.

The thing is, I get odd looks now because I’m not attractive or visually appealing in any way.

I turned 50 exactly a week ago, but about 2 years ago, I kind of with my medical health issues had to let my appearance go, not just within regards to weight, but not trying anymore nor caring about my appearance.

As it’s just super tough on a really bad day, which I stay at home, but never having any good days where I physically feel good, to make it through the day due to my medical disabilities, which can leave me vulnerable, when getting out, so my concern the little I get out, is not to fall or faint like I do at home, going in more detail in my last 2 blogs.

It would be easier to accept my outwardly appearance if I didn’t physically feel so bad on the inside.

For someone who is a recluse for the most part in the last 2 years, my appearance sadly is problematic for other people.

It’s easier though to accept judgement from strangers, not easy but easier, as I get that they don’t understand that I’m more then the lazy ugly fat stupid slob they’ve pegged me to be, even though I’m not stupid or lazy.

It’s harder such as when I went to the ER last week and in January and they treated me based upon assumptions about my appearance given the fact that I could CLEARLY articulate my symptoms and the consequences of them.

It’s harder such as when I called 911 last Memorial Day Weekend due to a man making a terroristic threat, describing him perfectly but not myself and he had said he had thought about killing me and he was harassing me  as well as others after he left me alone and it’s not a stretch, should’ve the police came, while he still was harassing me,  for them to think somehow my contact with him was wanted and consensual when it was terrifying.

My skin is old. It’s dry from dehydration and ruddy.

I look so old and sickly, in addition to not being visually attractive in any any way.

I am hypersensitive to stimuli, so I feel like I’m on fire when it’s sunny out, whether it’s 9 degrees or 90, but am cold when I’m not in the sun and it’s less than 65 degrees out.

While most of the time, too much of it, in the last 18 years have spent projectile vomiting, I have eroded and missing teeth.

Because I am bloated in addition to being of weight, despite my inability to not eat much and throw up a lot, especially in the last year,  even when I haven’t ingested food, liquids or medicine, in addition to the severe chronic pain and headaches.

I’m not anti-people based upon the behavior of the people yesterday or the people who’ve bullied me for the last 45 years.

As I know there is a lot of good people in this world.

I’m not anti-physician, even though I’ve had bad experiences with a majority of  physicians most of my life due to being fat or when I was thin, the experiences weren’t much better because I had resorted to bariatric surgery to lose weight.

As I know there are a lot of good physicians and other medical staff, not just at the hospitals I’ve mentioned in my blog including Fairview, but nationally and around the world.

I’m not anti-police, as I’ve never had a bad encounter with any of our local police or any police officer in my entire life, just a non-existent encounter when there should’ve been,  last Spring.

And I didn’t need to be a niece of a former NYPD officer to feel that way.

But this is the way I DO feel…

And I’m sure other people who experience bias, bigotry and bullying for most of the lives, this is the thing I need to reiterate.

These ARE NOT isolated incidents for most of us.

I’ve been bullied lifelong thousands and thousands of times, primarily for what I look like, less so because I am Jewish and because I’m NOT a great Jew, quite a bit of that I’ve been bullied or biased against by people in that community.

It wasn’t any better when I was really smart, hardworking  and a “good girl” as when I was young, ironically I got bullied for being a goody-goody, especially a fat one.

I have spent way more time in my blog, talking about my mistakes and failures than that of others,  so that they don’t have the same consequences on other people, like they did to to me and those I love the most, no matter how unintentional some of those consequences were.

I wish though other people, in this day and age, would pay more attention on their lives and behavior that could hurt others than assumptions about mine, when they don’t know me and are making judgements based upon just what I look like, now.

I will literally NEVER be comfortable in this skin that I’m in.

To stay somewhat sane and to be able to fulfill the small but meaning purpose that I have as an activist, I’ve had to try at least be figuratively comfortable in this skin that I’m in and be grateful for what I still can do and what it contains, as poorly as I feel,  the little I do well.

I know I’m NOT the only one who struggles with bias, bigotry and bullying that has compromised my life and made it a lot harder than it had to be.

So for those who can relate, I wish this wasn’t a club we had membership in.

And for those who can’t relate and don’t realize that even if their hate is exclusive to even just one person, they aren’t alone in their quest to make another miserable.

Whether it’s another 2 people or 2,000 (which is more in the realm of how many people hate on me with such a limited online and offline presence, as I found out when doing activism several years ago and got picked on by a fat people hate group online) of people trying to hurt you in some way.

Nor did I have any better luck when right before my gastric bypass in 2001, I did try offline fat acceptance groups and wasn’t welcomed even though I made no mention that I had planned to have bariatric surgery, I never got even return hello, so I can’t blame that in that community for my personality, maybe because truthfully, I wasn’t fat enough.

And whether I’d lose another 60 lbs to be considered of a lower acceptable healthy weight or gain a 100 lbs to be considered possessing a more fat friendly exterior, I still would have little energy that comes with acceptance in most communities online and off, as it applies to current standards of beauty.

As on the rare day  if I can take a shower and get dressed, and do one activity, I’m absolutely exhausted without doing anything else, spending an hour doing my makeup or hair, ain’t gonna happen.

There is absolutely NOTHING  wrong with wanting to look and be at one’s best both inside and out, regardless of how much or how little space one takes up.

There is something terribly wrong and it needs to be said that trying to demean and shame  other human beings because they don’t fit another’s aesthetic or ideal that  can be irreversibly physically and emotionally damaging, if not life ending to another, if people can’t find it within themselves to stop judging, shaming and bullying others for looking and being different, especially when that difference has no consequence on how another lives THEIR life..

Important Note: Anything that could be hurtful to myself or any of my readers will NOT be published.

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