It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘Parenting Regret’ Category

The ONE conversation we should NOT be having publicly/Regretting having kids…

TRIGGER WARNINGS/DISCLAIMERS:  This blog, as well as the trigger warnings that proceed it, which will be in a blog within itself, will probably be the biggest barfiest buffet of blog warnings, I’ve ever had to include, as an activist who blogs about super serious matters, such as murder/suicide, rape, addiction, body diversity, gastric bypass reversals and hoarding, to name a few.

While I loathe to have to do  any kind of activism specifically regarding parenting, this particular topic, can be the root of both human dysfunction and human suffering.

I’m NOT  a clinically trained professional of any kind, which is NOT necessary to have an opinion on topic, but the pain topic can potentially cause medically and psychologically needs to be addressed by clinically trained medical/mental health professionals, depending on the degree of duress, either in a outpatient and/or inpatient clinical setting, unless in acute distress that could cause harm to oneself or others, then please contact law enforcement or call 911 if you’re in the United States.

Because I actually have an international following, emergency numbers can be found for my readers at http://www.chartsbin/view/1983 .

I’m going to ask one thing, regarding this blog. If you read it, read it in it’s entirety or feel free to stop reading it, right now.

Because as an unconventional mother, who has complex disabilities, there isn’t going to be any way to have a short conversation on this topic, that I think is so extemely damaging.

I hold myself to the highest standards, for a non clinically trained activist who blogs about matters that could be life and death situations.

While it’s never my intention to influence anyone with my opinions or my truths, I only give them in the manner to help, give food for thought.

This blog is directed towards the conversation that’s resulting of parents who regret having children in optimal circumstances, but hate being a parent, due to stressors that are actual avoidable.

AND given a choice, they would NOT  do it again and have no problem, admitting that.

While I can try and understand the feeling, as I’ve been accused of this, even though it’s NEVER been an issue for me, as a parent, I have to believe in guiding a discussion or sharing my thoughts, that will do the least amount of potential harm or bring out the fact this conversation, so publicly, as well meaning as it is, is potentially if not just IS so horribly harmful to children.

And can cause so much unnecessary feelings of rejection, that creates a vicious cycle that causes pain and suffering, if not loss of life  in humans.

I’m not talking about feelings of regret, despair or sadness that comes with parenting  children with serious barriers (which you regret the barrier/disability/crisis, crappy circumstances, not the child), parents who have limited resources financially, medically and mentally or people who had children that they felt they had to keep that were a product of stranger rape or domestic relationship rape, abuse or trauma. Or those who are happy that they never had children.

I’m asking for my Facebook and Twitter followers, should this lead to a discussion, please do it here, only.

So you’ve been warned. I’ve never tried writing a blog on a topic that I actually thinks needs some stigma and that I strongly feel, doesn’t require a public discussion and I explain why.

And for my readers who wanted children more than anything and couldn’t have them, or had to bury a child, I’m SO sorry for any triggers that this blog could cause, just because I wrote this.

And that my dear reader, ends probably the world’s longest trigger warning on probably ANY blog….
******

Holy Moly!!!

I didn’t even know until Sunday morning when checking out a magazine app that I have, that this was actually a thing.

That for like at least 2 years (as I’ve now done some, but not a ton of research on the topic) that parents are talking about truly regretting having children and they wouldn’t do it again and were talking about it openly or at least online, in controlled forums, for their protection.

And that trained clinical professionals were encouraging the topic to be discussed without judgement, as long as children weren’t being harmed.

That’s what I’m struggling with, as an activist (I’ll discuss the personal psychic pain it cause me as a disabled mother, later) of like this has to be the WORST first world problem I’ve ever seen and could be the cause of so much unnecessary hurt and feelings of rejection, for the first time, when it comes it to human beings, when it matters more of what they’re SAYING or THINKING as a parent, than what they’re actually doing, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY ARE DOING RIGHT.

I’ve shared way more things as a blogger/activist then I ever wish I had to, in hopes of greater good, in trying to remove stigma.

I just can’t wrap my head (and truthfully, my heart) around this.

Keep in mind , while we live in a digitally motivated era around everything and people are living on social media and on smartphones and are addicted to them, the toxicity and harm that can come from not having any boundaries when it comes to certain topics, like this, can be ENORMOUS.

Had I not seen that article on Sunday morning, I would’ve been just working on another blog about massacres and how humans now react to RAGE, which is terribly underdiscussed.

But if we are going to make inroads in trying to prevent tragedies of massacres and murder/homicides, we have to discuss REJECTION.

And parents regreting having children and being so forthcoming in admitting it, is about the ultimate in rejection.

And I can’t buy that anyone could honestly say, “well, I love my kids, but if I had to choose having kids, all over again, I wouldn’t do it” that it’s NOT horribly damaging, if that feeling is permanent and is pervasively being expressed (as I’m not talking about abnormal thoughts but knowing the difference to lead to abnormal actions that can cause harm).

We live in a society, motivated and driven by social media, that fear of missing out, is actually something for a lot of people (not me, I have “FOMU” as explained in different blogs, I have “fear of messing up”, something I’m an expert on when I’m not in activist mode) where people feel rejected, if they aren’t invited to a Girls Night Out or a wedding.

Or a dinner, movie or Games of Thrones binge watching marathon that’s promoted in words, emojis, memes and about 12,743 pics and videos  on post on any and all of the social media sites.

That people tell one another “go kill yourself” if they get rejected on Tinder.

We live in a society, where some people feel the need, when a marriage ends, to shoot and kill a spouse or what’s worse in those who don’t regret being parents, killing their children, because of rejection in romantic love.

People feel rejected if someone’s doesn’t like their chocolate cookie recipe pics a million times, but a discussion of this nature, so publicly, isn’t harmful?

I had my firstborn, my son, 25 years ago, thank goodness, before the digital era.

However, people and/other parents have been judging other parents, have been around as long as human beings have been procreating.

But at least the jugement came in limited ways. Whether they be unwelcomed comments or funny looks I got.

By the time, my 14 1/2 year old daughter was born, there was the internet. There was the internet judgement, as well as offline judgement from peers and family, way before I got too sick to raise them, properly, being a single never married unattractive Jewish mother.

I didn’t do on my BEST day as a parent, everything you were supposed to nowadays but isn’t necessary,  for a child’s wellbeing.

Even though I volunteered at my kids’s schools (even my youngest and I was just gone then) but in ECFE with both kids, cub scouts and hebrew school and some sports, with my son, worked until 2004, then went to school and try to start my own business before I applied for SSDI in 12/2006)  people never have a problem even without digital devices telling  one another what they don’t like or what they’re doing wrong.

And nowadays ,people  definitely don’t have a problem on a digital device of telling everyone, exactly everything that’s wrong about them.

On my WORST day as a parent, my children were sheltered, fed, had medical attention when needed, given a hug or 2 and a joke and had for the majority of the day, had a quiet very physically and mentally sick and sad zombie, as a mother.

Which everyday, the last 2 years and the 9 1/2 years since living with me has ceased to be home for them, I agonizingly regret every single day, that  I couldn’t do better for my kids and I try to remember every memory I had  with children I love more than anything,  that was compromised by sickness and disability, even though I’m so glad I have them and they are doing great, which I’m so grateful for.

So my comprehension and non judgement of things parents do and say, is pretty wide and accepting, as well as talking about it, especially to de-stigmatize things that hurt children both young and as  adults.

So this will be the first and last time, I write a blog that can help others better be a parent:

You can regret bad circumstances, that’s understandable.

You can CHANGE some circumstances, such as separating parenting and social media use or at least limit it, by minimizing how much you expose your children of any age (minors)  on all the platforms, as well as the time you spend on them when with your children and without them.

Nobody is going to die, if they miss a post,pic or video , especially when it’s HAPPENING, of your kids opening a present during a special occasion or just because it’s Tuesday.

And you don’t get handed an award, if you have your children in a million different activities at all times, as well as you’re  personally are involved in a million activities and whether you have a career or are a homemaker, that you gave your children everything and did that while multitasking and documenting it, every second on social media.

BUT…. in cases like that, you don’t regret the kids, you regret that you burdened yourself like that and change that.

Because even for high achievers (which I’m about as low achieving nowadays a human can get) , as the expression goes, “You can have it all, but not all at the same time”, the same could apply that parents can do lots of things, but somethings like documenting every feeling and experience on social media is both a potential physical and emotional health hazard to the child and parent.

And it’s not necessary for the wellbeing of either.

I get  people I may care about, may recognize themselves, in this blog. I would never want to shame anyone, especially those who’ve been so non judgemental about my own bizarre experiences as a person and a parent.

Parents have a duty to best shelter, feed, clothe, educate and love their children and trying to protect them from harm.

It’s not always fun, it’s sad, scary, aggrevating and heartbreaking at trying times, even in optimal circumstances. And it’s tragic when they are in horrible circumstances.

While, I’m better suited in doing activism when things go wrong with people, medically and mentally,  I just can’t get at all,  of try harder in preventing the regret, as long as it doesn’t cause their children and themselves harm.

And not knowing that there are times, where while some thoughts are unavoidable, expressing them so blatantly, is completely unnecessary, such as regretting having children.

So if anyone can explain this to me, if I’m missing something, that would be great.

Because while I’m more suited for what I do with people who regret a surgery and it being a big deal, I just can’t comprehend that that we live in a society, that truly it’s anything goes, like anything ….

And it’s crap like this, that impoverished war torn countries, like mock us.

Note: I get the potential for people being passionate about this topic in trying to promote free thinking and free speech. This blog though is concentrating that there could be dire uncontrollable consequences of free uncontrolled express on innocent people i.e. children.

So if you can’t be respectful, please don’t expect a response.

Lastly, I hope that I’m limited in technology I blog on, so I can’t provide the links of the blog topic. Hopefully I’ll get an an android mouse, soon.

 

Advertisements

Tag Cloud