It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘Body Dysmorphia’ Category

STIGMA IS AS STIGMA DOES- Honoring the legacy of Carrie Fisher, the activist and amazing human being almost 6 months after her death….

I knew I’d eventually get around to writing a blog about Carrie Fisher’s death, I knew that 48 hours after she died and then her mother, Debbie Reynolds, passed on, that I would, I knew I probably would wait until all the media attention regarding Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds’s deaths had subsided.

Unfortunately though, the coroner’s full report was made public, regarding Carrie’s death, a few days ago and now her death for all the wrong reasons, is back all over the media.

There has been NO ONE celebrity, actually NO ONE HUMAN BEING,  that has done more to remove stigma about mental health and drug addiction, than Carrie Fisher.

In my last blog of 2016, which was written before her death and were few and far between, I did talk about Prince’s death. As well as most of my blogs of this year have been super serious between trying to start a dialogue about the super stigmatized subjects such as murder/suicide and the opiate epidemic.

This is where things get kinda  tricky for me, to keep on talking about removing stigma regarding mental health and the opioid epidemic, as they do go hand in hand.

While it’s possible to have mental health issues and not have an opioid addiction, it’s not vice versa, and I know better than anyone, to know how lucky to have escaped that, as far as I’m concerned.

But being the activist that I am, I have to choose my words, kind of carefully. I’m not a psychological or medically trained professional, the only reason why I’m writing yet another blog that involves opiates, is because I don’t think that what was in Carrie Fisher’s body at the time of her death, is what necessarily killed her.

The coroner’s report can’t be conclusive of that, for the matter. I will go out on a limb and say that I think that stigma kept Carrie Fisher silent this time, regarding being back on drugs. I think we live in a society where actresses, even if they are beloved legends, aren’t supposed to age or gain weight.

Even actresses who are legends like Carrie Fisher has been, the last 40 years. Add bipolar disorder and a past history that she shared quite freely regarding drugs and alcohol, that unfortunately with most of the psychotropics that are used to treat mental health issues cause excessive weight gain.

I know that better than anyone, that’s how I was able to gain almost 100 lbs, in under 2 years even with serious gastric bypass complications that while I’d crave massive amounts of food, I hadn’t had a prayer of being able to eat enough or keep anything down, to gain that amount of weight.

And while I’ve said in past blogs and it’s true, being fat again after weight loss surgery wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to me, I’m NOT in the public eye, either.

Absolute NO ONE gives a crap about what I have to say, what I look like when I say ( well except from a few haters).

Which is something I’m extremely grateful for.

Which was one luxury and neccessity that Carrie Fisher NEVER had, when fighting her own demons that caused her to have those drugs in her system, at the time of her death.

Unfortunately and heartbreakingly whatever reasons she had, died with her.

Carrie Fisher, in the last year or 2, in her life both doing publicity for her last book and for Episode VII would make a joke, which now in hindsight, is NOT  funny in the slightest. She’d joke about that they only wanted to hire “3/4th of her” and she was expected to lose some weight to be able to be cast in the Star Wars franchises, 35+ years after the first one.

I can’t help but think that being on tour and living in a society that’s so weight and looks obessed had some part in her returning to using drugs and not being able to talk about it, before her death

While she felt compelled in the past to talk about mental health and drug abuse to remove stigma, there’s only so many times when celebrities regress, that they can help without risking their careers and I think that’s what Carrie was up against, should she have sought treatment, again.

I, unfortunately am not even 1/100th of the activist that Carrie Fisher was. I can’t act, I can’t sing and I obviously am not a thriving writer.

And the last thing I want to do as an activist is concentrate on the circumstances of her death. I’d rather concentrate on how she lived her life. Being an amazing activist, actress, writer and singer.

But it does haunt me that for someone who did so much to try and remove stigma, that she possibly died in part, because of stigma regarding mental health, drug addiction and relapses, not just necessarily due to mental health and drug addiction.

But because of the looks obsessed society we now live in.

So hence, the reasons for this blog. To try and remove stigma by creating an honest dialogue about addiction, in hopes of it saving lives. To try and create a dialogue of needing more treatment options that don’t have horrible side effects where that people don’t have to choose between gaining a lot of weight and their sanity, as well as other medications in therapy classes that have almost more adverse side effects than they eradicate in both medical and mental health issues.

We need to be able to have honest and open dialogue between patients and providers. We need as a society that anyone who is struggling with drug addiction can be able to talk about it without stigma. Which there is still so much stigma out there, that people are willing to risk their lives, by finding a dealer versus a medical and/or mental health professional.

We need to stop putting pressure on human beings to be at a weight that is not feasible for them. And to stop putting pressure on both women and men (although this does happen more to women) of expecting them to not age, and expecting them look like the did in their 20’s, when they are in their  early 60’s.

But we don’t have a prayer of eradicating deaths and all the life ruining issues that are still around due to STIGMA.

STIGMA IS AS STIGMA DOES…IT HURTS AND IT KILLS…

Rest In Peace, our beloved badass Jedi Princess Carrie Fisher…..
And Rest In Peace, Debbie Reynolds, an amazing activist and entertainer…..

Note: Comments that are potentially triggering to anyone will NOT be published….

New Year’s Resolutions: Do you make them? Why or why not?

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I haven’t made a New Year’s Resolution since I had my Gastric Bypass in December of 2001. I still made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, because I honestly believed that my surgery wouldn’t work. And even though it did, both short term (even though the 1st 30 lbs that I lost, the 1st month I had surgery was NOT noticeable, by the 2nd month, it was noticeable) and I went on to lose more weight, exceeding weight loss and fitness goals I never thought I’d achieve, let alone thought were possible, as well as complications and major regain issues, which are in other blogs of mine, in greater detail.

This again, is NOT an “anti-wls” blog.

I normally though don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions and I haven’t made them since  New Year’s Eve of 2001. Doesn’t mean that  I don’t have life goals, because I do. Even now that I’m more complex disabled than I ever dreamed and am not living the live I set out to, in 2002, when my life was better than I could’ve dreamed possible as well as becoming a horrific disaster that I could’ve never imagined.

If the picture above has any relevance to me, it’s that some of them have been recent life goals for me. I did lose 50 lbs in the last 14 months. I did make fitness goals that I exceeded. Which was to walk 15 miles in one day. I actually was achieving another goal, which was to travel out of state, and I did that when I went to Las Vegas in  late September/early October of 2015. And I exceeded that walking goal, on Halloween of 2015, when I got over 16 miles of walking in, in one day.

Part of the reason why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, is that they don’t usually work for me. And when I fail at them, it makes me feel worse, which usually leads to other  self destructive behavior and self esteem problems, that have a tendency to make life worse for me, not better.

I’m not saying they can or cannot work for others, I’m just talking about myself. That I have to make an effort to improve my life, when my life dictates it’s needed. Not by a calendar or holiday that the only significance it should have, is that any new day, we can start over or make changes that will improve our own lives and/or the lives of others.

Because when it comes to issues regarding self improvement, the only person I really feel the need to be accountable to, is to myself. But because that doesn’t always work in areas of my life, that I’m working on, I am doing better of asking support when I need it, with like minded individuals, such as in matters of weight and fitness, but I’m also continuing to strive for balance, so I can’t get too caught up on weight /eating issues (and another specific blog to that, will be written shortly about that).

I do have new goals for 2016. Some of them are not likely to happen, such as going further west than Las Vegas this year, such as wanting to go to California, ideally Los Angeles or San Diego, which I had wanted to, last year, but couldn’t afford it as I’d like to see the Pacific Ocean, as well as feel it, before I die or become more disabled.

I’d like to get 20 miles of walking in one day, in this upcoming new year. I’m planning on evaluating why this former Certified Personal Trainer, who still does have weight loss goals and fitness goals and knows the importance of strength training, of why I’m not doing that already, as I know it would help. And I know it’s a form of self sabotage, as I still do that with food (again, will be discussing that more in my next blog).

I’m most certainly as a Size/Fat Acceptance advocate and activist, NOT trying to trigger those who have issues with our societies’s obsession with weight and fitness. But I have to be true to myself, both personally and as well as the fact, some people do find it helpful to know that people can lose weight after major regain issues, whether or not they have had bariatric surgery. That’s why with some reluctance, I’m going to post a “before and current” picture collage of myself.

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pic furthest to the left, 9/2001, 2nd to the left 7-2005, 2nd to the right, 10/2009, furthest to the right, 12-2-2015, on my 46th birthday and 3 days before the 14th “anniversary” of my gastric bypass which was 12-5-2001)

I’m still working on being a better activist. And I’m hoping to achieving other areas I’d like to do activism and advocacy for. I’m still evaluating of whether or not I’d like to  purchase the internet domain for both “unstapledlisa” and my business I’d like to re-purpose for “Not Your Typical Old Maid”, which was the name of my business that I was going to launch when I was going to start my business in 2005, as a Certified Personal Trainer, Bariatric Coach (both weight loss surgery and non weight loss surgery specific and with the intention of doing this both locally and nationally). as well as I was going to sub-specialize in adaptive and rehabilitative personal training, even for those who didn’t have weight loss of any kind as a goal.

But I had felt about fitness,  at that time, as well as currently, that it could help people be in better physical and mental health, that wasn’t all weight or eating related. Even though this was before I was diagnosed with my mental health issues, I  had already realized that what people’s “best health” could look like varies drastically between us, for many complex reasons.

I’m still working on but do fairly well, for someone who does have Bipolar 2, of finding middle ground in how I live my life, with balance. As sometimes Bipolar for me, and I’m not mocking it, in any way, is not just a mood disorder and a personality disorder, but a lifestyle, but I’m really good at not habitually abusing myself with any thing, substance or person, and I’m trying to work on, which will always be a work in progress.

I’m trying all of this, of course, for many reasons. On top of the list, is to be a better example for my almost 13 year old daughter. As I get more disabled, the likelihood of my having the relationship I’d ideally want, full time, with my daughter, becomes less likely, as I get more disabled. But it’s still important that I still continue to try as hard as I can, that I show more than in just words, but in actions, of doing things to make my daughter and  my adult son have something to be proud of me for, as well as the rest of my family.

But I also realize the importance of having a need of all this self improvement and self esteem work and growth, be for myself. In my case, I never thought of myself, as other bariatric patients (or anyone who’s overcame something that was a major life struggle, whether it be weight related or not), who think of themselves as a “new and improved” or different person.

I’m not saying that can’t work for a lot of others. It just doesn’t work for me. It’s in my best interest, to look at myself as the “same girl” with different circumstances and a different way of coping with them, but trying to act more in being the best I can, with the complex disabilities that I have.

In addition to working on my relationship with my self, I do also want to work on my relationships with others. Whether or not it’s constructive to add new friendships/relationships and evaluating and coming to a resolution of what relationships are not in my best interest, going forward.

And finally,  continuing on trying to make my peace with my past, and celebrate who and what was the best things to happen to my life, as well as not dwell on what was the worst parts of my life.

Here are my questions for discussion for my dear readers, if they choose to participate (I do ask because I am a Size/Fat Acceptance and soon to be more of a Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disordered blogger and activist) you frame your answers being specific to what’s best for you in your life. I will allow for my bariatric peeps, as some of them do believe in the work they do to combat Obesity, some leeway, but please realize your answers could be possibly be triggering to another reader of mine, so please try to be respectful of that. Also you can be as specific and as vague as you like if that would be in your best interest.

1. Do you make New Year’s Resolutions or life goals at any time of the year? Why or why not? What kind have you made and have you kept them? What was the most significant life changing New Years or life goal resolution you ever made?

2. If you make New Year’s Resolutions and/or life goals, does it help you to be specific and have a time table? Or does it work better for you if you don’t do that?

3. For those who are working on losing weight, do you find it helpful to do that with a support of a like minded on and/or off community. Do you find that it’s more helpful or hurtful to have losing weight as a single minded focus, or do you find it’s easier and or better for you, to do that as one component in improving one’s life, physically, mentally and emotionally?

4. For those who are triggered by our global obsession with fat, food and fitness, what do you do both around the new year and well every day, to get you less triggered by all the talk about the importance of weight loss, food intake and fitness. Or the fact that people generally consider those of larger size, unhealthy, how do you avoid getting hurt by that, personally? What would you like to say if you had a captive audience, of how hurtful that can be to another?

5. As far as the picture featured on top of the blog, are there any of them that you are working on? If some of them are something you’ve already achieved, how did you do that. What are you struggling with, the most? And do you realize those are only suggestions of areas that people can find happiness with making resolutions. That one is more likely to achieve a goal, when they do so because they want to feel better about themselves, not because they feel terrible about themselves.

If you can’t discuss either what I’ve said or the questions above, in a forum, like this, it still may help to ask yourself these questions and answer them, privately. Either internally or with people that you trust.

I’m wishing you all, a happy, healthy and wonderful new year. For those who are struggling, know that you aren’t alone and help is there, if you need it. While I ideally recommend professional medical and mental health help, please feel free to reach out to me, either on my blog publicly, privately or via email.

I cannot though stress though, that I, nor anyone on the internet, can help as much as a clinically trained medical and/or mental health provider who evaluates and treats you, in person.  I also have to stress, sometimes it takes trying more than one provider, to find the right help for you.

Note: Any comment that could possibly triggering to another, will NOT be published….

 

Caught with your sticky fingers in the candy bowl, in the digital era…………

http://time.com/4095765/woman-caught-stealing-halloween-candy/

In full disclosure, even though the above story has trended in my newsfeed on Facebook, a zillion times, I’ve yet to see the video. Or read the links. I only used a search engine as I suspected this story would feed into fat hatred, and I wasn’t wrong in my assumption.

SO,  if ya missed it (impossible in the Facebook era, when the same story trends about 13 or 14 MILLION times to make sure one doesn’t miss something that’s considered trendworthy or newsworthy), which both are not mutually exclusive.

I would never call out anyone about their parenting, even though I’ve seen my friends do so, and that’s ok. But I’m not in a position given my circumstances, to dislike this lady for that reason.

I AM though, however in a position to absolutely HATE what she did (not ok to actually hate HER) , given the fat acceptance and size acceptance advocacy that I do.

I’m going to digress for a minute, then make my point on the “candybandit”. I absolutely HATE Halloween. Nothing fucks up this fat girl who’s been teased all her life for being fat and ugly (I’m speaking for myself only, I have a lot of larger size friends who LOVE Halloween) than a holiday designated to dressing up in ill fitting costumes on me and being given candy that others, including myself, think I’m too fat to fucking eat.

So, as a size and fat acceptance advocate, who’s only read the story in the link I posted above and did a 15 second search engine check, I’ve tried to ignore this story, but it’s impossible to ignore the links. I can’t imagine though, how much this is feeding into those who are fat phobic and fat haters (you wouldn’t believe how much HATE you can find in 15 seconds on social media and in a search engine) and if you are sensitive to fat hatred, do yourself a favor and don’t even bother, like ever, with the comments, which I occasionally torture myself with, but not in this case).

SO,  let me reiterate this, as it NEEDS to be said, NOT EVERY FAT PERSON is a threat to your candy bowl, Thanksgiving spread and all your Chrismas cookies. Not everyone who’s of larger size eats multiple entrees as one meal from Mickey D’s and Taco Bell?

UNDERSTOOD???

I will also say that’s it’s pathetic that people are driven to do something or not do something, based upon their actions potentially going viral, not because it’s the right or wrong thing to do. But this does teach an important lesson that almost everything that we do, has the potential to be newsworthy for worthless and messed up reasons.

So I’m going to open this up, to my followers/friends,  on WordPress, Facebook and Twitter, as a discussion topic. Did you watch the video? What is your opinion of this story and it actually being a story?

How to handle people when you’re the DUFF/Ugly Hurts part 2

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I’ve also  FUCKING had enough of body and looks shaming in my offline life….

The acronym DUFF will mean 2 separate things on this blog….

It will either mean Designated Ugly Fat Friend

OR Disabled Ugly Fat Female………..

Both in using to describe how I feel in society, at times or by peers, justifiably so, as it’s not just my body dysmorphia that’s driving this, it’s what strangers and peers tell me about the appearance bullying that they’ve been subjected to.  What others say and as well as what kind of looks I get,  as well as others, when out in public. And because I’m not alone in being treated this way, I decided to make this a blog and do activism for, rather than just rant about it, privately.

I was a VERY busy girl on Saturday. However because of one of my health issues, which is literally being allergic to the sun AND humidity, the second I leave my house, whether I take an effort to get ready or just shower and throw clothes on, whether I’m outside for 5 minutes or 5 hours, on a hot sunny day, I look like I was left in an oven at 550 degrees, for about 6 hours.

It’s embarrassing, and I’d be lying, if I didn’t say that from April to November, unless I’ve stayed inside all day or only have gone out for a few minutes at a time, where I’ve been in air conditioning places, I will profusely sweat, due to allergy to sun and heat sensitivity.

There’s NOTHING I can do, to prevent this. It’s a medical health issue and it’s getting worse as I get older. It has NOTHING to do with my weight, as I didn’t have this problem with sun sensitivity or sweating too much, at my heaviest before or after my gastric bypass. And after for how many times I’ve nearly died for medical reasons, I refuse to hide myself.

Anyhow, I had a busy day on Saturday and ended up going out Saturday night. By the time I went to a bar to meet friends, I’d been up since 3:30 a.m. , early Saturday morning and I had walked 2 miles from my house to the bar, I had gotten 9 miles (which most of them, by then, had been in the sun and humidity)in walking, by the time I got there.

Now I know I looked terrible. It was further reinforced when a few picture taken of me with others, from Saturday night, was posted on social media, which did upset me, earlier this afternoon.

The pictures were not posted with malice, they weren’t even about me,while I made a comment that I didn’t love how I looked, I defended it.

What I didn’t do, though, is describe all the looks I got, when out and about , during the day and at night. Which is my norm, especially during the Summer. As I live in large busy city, and I never  fail to attract negative attention, both in looks and in comments made to me, when I get out. .

I’ve discussed this before in other blogs. What I haven’t discussed in great detail, is what and what not to do about it, in conjunction with putting a definition on it, such as DUFF in public and DUFF in one’s personal life.

This is the way I look at it. If taking potshots at people, whether it be online such as a picture like following featured below, makes one feel better about themselves, it’s not another person not being attractive to another, that’s the problem, it’s society thinking that it’s right to hate on people, based upon appearance and for people who are devoid of a soul that they get satisfaction in bullying others. And I’ve seen hundreds of pictures, if not more, like the one below, if not more, since being on social media.

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I could say as an activist, that people should be more disgusted about their bullying and/ hating on people for what they look like on the outside,  but in the era of Facebook and Instagram, that ain’t gonna fly. As we’ve all seen the memes that sometimes will talk about inner beauty, sometimes the same people who are prone to post a picture like the one above, who talk about the importance of being beautiful on the inside and not the outside.

Because they are FUCKING mentally defective, (which is not the same as mental illness, which I’m an activist for) morally bankrupt, hateful HYPOCRITES.

However……….. Facebook is called Facebook and NOT Soulbook, for a reason. And a lot of times that reasons aren’t in the best interest of people. Whether they are a supermodel or they aren’t considered being physically attractive.

As much as it sucks and sometimes hurts existing in a society that judges me  and others about appearance, it’s sometimes for some of us, a hundred times worse, when the DUFF definition, becomes personal.

Meaning you have people in your life, where they either get some satisfaction that they are more attractive then you are or that you have looks even a loved one or someone you care about, not only can’t love you for, but actually straight out or subtly hates on you for. Whether they are straight out or subtle in their perverse satisfaction of being considered (whether it’s perception and/or they are more conventionally attractive)  more attractive than you are.

This is my personal philosophy about this. And I’m NOT sorry to burst anyone’s pathetic bubble about this. I am NOT jealous of people who are more attractive than me, in my personal life, including some of the models (some of them who would NEVER do something so crappy and are just as beautiful on the inside as the outside) friends that are naturally beautiful, regardless of weight and those  I’m friends with that I have who had a better outcome post weight loss surgery than I did. I’m happy for the good things that happen to people I care about and sad for the bad things.
(Note: For those of you in my personal life who’ve done this to me, especially subtly, I know who you are and this is your notice that I don’t think highly of you and/or you have something so pathetic about yourself, that I haven’t cut you loose. YET…)

But this isn’t just about me. This is about people who are broken on the inside for being on the outside, not considered conventionally attractive. As I’ve said before even Caitlyn Jenner said about trans bullying, what others think or say about me, won’t break me. I’ve survived too much shit, in my 45 years, to let haters and bullies have a shot of breaking me, even if it does hurt my feelings at times.

This is for the people who are broken because of pervasive bullying based upon looks.Who don’t have a voice or don’t even think they are worth being defended, which they are worth it.

You don’t have to own, anyone’s negative opinion of you. Especially when it comes to circumstances, such as looks and weight, which is superficial (I’m NOT discussing or debating the “Obesity” argument with this blog,  it’s not necessary or appropriate to debate fat as a potential or current health issue, in this blog). and isn’t a reflection of your beauty, but others’s internal ugliness.

It is true and it took me a long time to understand that “Others opinion about me, is NONE of my business”. And if you can accept this, you will spare yourself decades of grief, that I’ve had to go through being bullied, to finally realize that I don’t have shame to bear from not being conventionally attractive. And neither does anyone.

Think about it. If a stranger is doing this to you, why do you care what someone who has no idea of what you are  about, and doesn’t care about hurting other people, that’s not people you give any rent in your head and heart, to. Even if it’s human nature to care, try a little harder NOT to care. In the scope of your life, these people are NOTHING and should be nothing to you.

While it’s harder to put up with appearance bashing whether it’s subtle or intentional, from people who may be close to us, especially if they show in other ways that they do care about us, as people are complex and multi-faceted, this is something that NO ONE has a right to hate and/or bully someone for. IF you can’t discharge the negativity of that aspect of those people, then you need to get them out of your lives. But don’t let someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart, in ways that matter the most, keep hurting you like this. It’s a shitty thing to do to someone, being done by shitty people.

I hope this helps others, as well as create a dialogue of why this happens in the first place. As this goes beyond trying to make money about people’s insecurities, when people are subjected to this by society and their friends and family. While it wasn’t totally altruistic in nature, it needed to be said not only from a personal point of view, but as an activist.

Because it can be life ruining if not life ending, to be subjected to hate and bullying about appearance, that goes beyond weight or race and the internet has made it even a more difficult playing field for people who are bullied for this reason.

And it needs to STOP. NOW….

Important note: Appearance bullying is NOT gender specific. Unfortunately both genders are equal opportunity HATERS as well as targets for hate and bullying…….

Note: As always, I welcome other people’s life stories, as well as a difference in opinion, if shared respectfully. If NOT, your response will NOT be published…

The Invasion of the Body Shamers……

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I’ve been online for a couple of hours, and I’m horribly disappointed, actually disappointed probably doesn’t cover it, let’s try FUCKING OUTRAGED, that people have nothing better to do then to body shame, whether it’s fat shaming OR thin shaming. It happens all the time, this is what’s “trended” in my newsfeed in the last 36 hours.

Because I happen to be a body diversity acceptance advocate, when a meme hits my newsfeed on social media that shames any body type, especially a certain meme that’s starting to go viral, I’ll download it, because I regularly blog and do body diversity acceptance.

Sadly, the following meme below has been shared at least 3 separate times, this morning by my Facebook buds. Even more pathetically, it’s been by WLS peeps, that I usually adore. As well as I’ve had to see when their friends shared it and the nasty comments that followed, in agreement with the sentiment of the meme.
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What’s even more disheartening see shit like the above be shared by a weight loss peer of mine, is the fact that what I refer to the “formerly fat” who’ve had weight loss surgery, know how shitty it is to be a target of fat hate. The 3 of you who shared this, are also activists of sorts for causes or discrimination outside of weight.

Furthermore, why someone’s weight leads them to a mobilized scooter is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS and certainly not for you to judge, but especially, especially, ESPECIALLY, if one has to resort to having their digestive system surgically altered to lose weight.

Let me enlighten some of my weight loss surgery peeps who think it’s ok to post memes like the one above (let alone anyone else)….

I know quite a few fat people who are in mobilized scooters for heartbreaking reasons. I know at least 3 people who want weight loss surgery and they can’t get it, because they need bilateral total knee replacements. They are in a vicious cycle where they can’t get their knees replaced until they lose weight and they can’t lose weight and/or get bariatric surgery because their mobility is impacted by having crappy knees to meet a bariatric surgeon’s weight loss requirement to qualify for weight loss surgery.

Then there is at least 2 people I know who are in need of mobility scooters who are still fat after weight loss surgery but gained weight because they had older weight loss surgeries (like vertical banded gastroplasty that proceeded the laproscopic adjustable banding) their metabolisms, digestive systems and bodies are shot, even though they can’t eat much and either don’t want to have another bariatric surgery and/or they can’t because again, their mobility is impacted by damage done to their bodies already by bariatric surgery.

Note: This is not an anti-wls blog, no need to defend wls, just stay on topic, which is body shaming.

Then I know another 4 or 5  people who are in mobility scooters who had weight loss surgery lost quite a bit of weight, however they were at a higher weight when they started, so even though they lost a  hundred to a few hundred pounds, they are still are clinically morbidly obese. Some of them have medical health issues, such as crappy thyroid or MS, to name a few. Some of them can’t ever get to their goal weight due to mental health issues due to being  psychotropic meds that wreck havoc with metabolism as well as create the food obsession from HELL (reason for my EPIC regain prior to my reversal, even though I had so many gastric bypass complications).

Those are just a few examples of why people are fat and need a mobility scooter and why fat shaming pics, really piss me off, from ANYONE. But especially for those of you who had weight loss surgery and know how harshly we get judged for having that.

The thin bashing pics that I’ve seen in the last 36 hours ain’t any better. I get the need for size acceptance and fat acceptance, that’s why I do activism for that. It’s not necessary though to post memes like I’ve seen, featured below…

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Great, so not only are there is  thin shaming pics, let’s throw in slut shaming, too. And I’m not even going to touch slut shaming in this blog, I am going to say though, people can make a point about a need for fat acceptance without body shaming, anyone. I’ve met women who were naturally extremely thin or extremely thin due to how pervasive fat shaming and oppression is. Women who were suicidal because they were bullied for being too thin, all their lives, just like people who’ve been suicidal, due to fat hatred….

Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother to do this activism, regarding body shaming. I feel like I’m fighting a battle that will NEVER have significant and measurable progress. And while I can say I’ve been trying to lose some weight, and I have lost some, that I get hit  hard when it comes to fat and thin shaming, as I’ve been both in the past. And presently. And for some fat acceptance advocates, because I do activism that’s weight loss positive (i.e. choice to lose weight, including defending a surgical intervention), and because I talk about my own personal weight loss on rare occasion, I get called out for being a shitty fat acceptance advocate.

At the same time, others in the weight loss surgery community, use me as an example of what not to look like or weigh post weight loss surgery. I probably would be hit harder by all of this crap, personally, but after I’ve been through, if all anyone can deduct is that I’m a shitty weight loss surgery peer or a shitty fat acceptance activist, they are TOTALLY missing the point.

I’m a great activist and support system to all people who don’t have a voice who have to be bombarded by bullshit body shaming on what’s already going an alarming rate, and it’s only getting WORSE.

I’m not good at many things, but I’m fucking ROCKING when it comes to instilling empathy and understanding in others. Unless, of course one is a hateful bigot that there’s no hope for….

Here’s a fairly recent full body picture of me, that was taken exactly a month ago on 5-14-2015…..

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So yeah, I don’t have the type of body that’s fat and full of curves. I carry both weight and a lot of extra skin, as well as a ventral hernia behind my reversal scar (hence why I’m trying to lose a little weight, as it’s uncomfortable, my weight though at my heaviest and thinnest has NEVER been a health issue) primarily in my midsection. But I’m also, though, no longer thin. So while I relate to, what I’ve called being an “inbetweenie”, as I’m 10 sizes smaller on average, then my heaviest and I’m about 10 sizes bigger than my smallest, most people don’t understand my personal tie to my activism.

My weight though, is no longer,( unless I’m at Bebe or Guess?) the most noticeable thing about me. I take up one seat on the bus, I fit in a booth comfortably and walk a lot, even though I’m quite disabled from everything I’ve done to be thin and stay there.

People have to stop judging and shaming things they will NEVER understand. The above memes posted in this blog, show that everyone, even the most nicest people, can have an ugly side, that’s hopefully open to positive change so they aren’t continually both harming and hurting a class of people’s feelings, as it applies to our body size, young and old, male and female.

So the next time you post a body shaming meme, think about if it could hurt someone you love. let anyone else you care about. While Melissa McCarthy was quoted in an interview, recently, about a movie review who body and appearance shamed her in the past, of my saying to the man, “what if your daughters had to read this, how would you feel?”

I’ve been saying the same thing. For YEARS, now. And I have a personal stake in this, because all the body and looks shaming, everything I’ve done to be thin, is largely to blame, of why I’m not actively raising my OWN daughter.

So yeah, I guess I’m in this type of activism, as far as body diversity acceptance for the long haul. I’ll be damned that everything I’ve been through, was for nothing. I’ll do what it takes to remove body hate, in hopes that improves quality of lives, if not save a life.

And to do at least SOMETHING, to make this world a better place for my own daughter to live in. As well as EVERYONE’S sons and daughters to live in.

Note: Same rules apply, as usual. You are more than welcome to respectfully disagree with me. ANY comments that could be potentially triggering to a reader, will NOT be posted. I’m asking in advance, let’s not play the “health” card in either direction. Because admit it, none of the shaming memes posted above, has ANYTHING to do with health.

The BRUTAL truth about BULLYING- My story and yours…..

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(No copyright infringement intended with image or video)

Well, I’ll share my story about bullying. And it’s up to you, if you want to do the same, in the comments below, or contact me, privately.

I haven’t blogged for awhile. While I’ve had topics that I’ve wanted to write about, I haven’t felt the best and I’ve had a lot of head clutter. And I already go in to my blogs, with cognitive disabilities that make it harder for me to edit when I’m in this mode.

Then in my newsfeed on Facebook last night, the following link below, appeared. And somehow I looked at the blog that I’ve been wanting to write more in depth about bullying, needed to be written by me. NOW. For me and for millions of innocent others. But if it helps one person, I’m grateful. Note, this blog isn’t gender specific about bullying, like the link, below. As both males and females get bullied and emotionally abused. By strangers, people they know and people who are supposed to be loving them without harm.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry/women-respond-to-the-first-mean-thing-someone-said-about?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#.qgbOO4ROE

I remember the first mean thing said to me. I was 5 years old and I was in pre-school at a local synagogue. I was rushing up a large staircase and fell. Which was not easy for me to do and this older kid, who observed that, told me I deserved that because I was a clumsy, ugly and fat elephant.

My kindergarten pictures have a scar, where I was hit in the face the first week in school by a bully, who thought I apparently was too fat but not ugly enough, on the bus, on the way home from school.

I’m NOT exaggerating when I say that I got teased EVERY SINGLE DAY, from kindergarten til my senior year in high school. My being able to breathe, apparently pissed off many people, in multiple cliques.

I was an  introverted, polite and kind kid, for the most part, but I kept to myself, mostly. For good reason. I had a few friends, but not very many. I didn’t expect them to defend me.

I loved to read. I had taught myself to read by the time I was 2 1/2. By the time I was in the 4th grade, I had a college level vocabulary. But I had both a voracious appetite for food (I inherently used food as a coping mechanism from the time I was a toddler, which SO conflicted with the diets I’d been on since the 3rd grade)  and for books. I’d read and memorize encyclopedias, dictionaries and phone books. I didn’t have a photogenic memory, though.

The bullying ONLY got worse, as I got older. Two not so fun, but kind of ironic facts about me. If my being the heaviest person, EVER,  to have a straight gastric bypass takedown, isn’t ENOUGH irony, for you. Here’s some more…

According to state standardized testing in the 9th grade, I qualified  for my school’s Gifted and Talented program. I also managed several months later, to FAIL the 9th grade. Which is quite a feat. Because I had years and years, of just trying to emotionally survive going to school, I guess my mindset at the time, was that homework, was optional. So the junior high I was attending, was making me REPEAT the 9th grade. Because one of my younger sisters, was going to be in the 9th grade, that same year, my parents thought it was only fair, that I go to another junior high, in the same school district.

The principal of my new school was justifiably outraged, at the lack of support I had received for the last 3 years, at my other school. He told me on my 1st day of school, that  if I passed the semester with a “C” or better in all my classes, he would advance me to high school. However I had a new set of bullies to deal with in my new school. I got mostly Cs, one D and failed one class. He saw the bullying I was up against, and still advanced me, thinking he was doing me a favor, to my high school.

It was NO better there. It was much worse. Just older and smarter bullies. And many MORE of them. I however found, that years of not studying, as smart as I was, I wasn’t the smartest person in the room, any longer, so I couldn’t even take satisfaction in that. Not that I had anybody, but myself, to share that with.

In the middle of my senior year, I got teased by one of many bullies, in a science class. And I FINALLY broke. I started hysterically crying and couldn’t stop for THREE days, straight. While the principal of my school, excused my absence, both he and my parents decided that maybe I should try the other high school, in our school district.

It was NO better, there. It was worse, because yet again, I was thrown in a new school, didn’t have good social skills and was more bullied than EVER.  I dropped out of high school in the middle of my senior year, and ended up getting my G.E.D, in May of 1988, a month before I would’ve graduated high school. By then I was working full time. And thank goodness, I had good interview skills before the digital era, because I probably set a precedent, in lying on a resume or interview, to cover the fact that I didn’t graduate from my high school, to get decent jobs, which I always had, while I was able to work. I’m not a pathological liar though.

I still started community college the following year, at night and it was easier. While working full time, during the day. Karma (which I’m not sure I believe in, not for my sake but because of things like kids get and die from cancer, among many other things) was on my side and I for some STUPID reason, decided to take a Speech class, as an elective. Given my lifelong fear of speaking in public. By then, I had somewhat of a justifiable fear of just speaking (in my private life, as it was necessary for work reasons, obviously). One of the kids who was especially horrible in bullying me, the semester I did my repeat of the 9th grade, at the other junior high, was in my Speech class. For someone who had a horrible fear of public speaking, I managed to get an A in every speech, including my class. And most of my speeches were about weight bias and how horribly being teased, effected me. The guy did end up apologizing for what he did.

I ended up going on the internet, specifically AOL, in 11/1996. I by then was a responsible single mother of 1. I was surprised how badly I would get bullied for being “fat and ugly”, being in my mid 20’s. In chat rooms and by random strangers who’d get a hold of my profile.

This is NOT the blog where I go into about what life was like the 6 years I was thin after my gastric bypass in 12/2001. I will say at my thinnest, I put up with some thin bashing, and I found that equally disturbing. I do state in other blogs, the mindfuck of that. As for someone who ended up losing 107 lbs, at her thinnest (I was “only” 100 lbs overweight the week of my gastric bypass) but was quite unassuming about it, it really rattled me that I’d get bullied and it did piss me off that I had to lose weight to gain people’s respect. But again, that is in other blogs.

I still get bullied to this day. The internet and social media gives people multiple ways to tell both young people and adults of how much they HATE someone and the superficial crap, that they HATE them FOR. As well as bullying goes on in person to both young people and old. It’s got to stop. NOW. There can never be enough initiatives to combat bullying.

While there’s not much that I have to be proud of, as a parent. The one thing I taught my son, was not to see race, sexual preference, weight, religion, or really anything that was to be stigmatized. While I wasn’t an activist then, I didn’t want him to get bullied or be a bully. As misguided as my parenting got, at my very sickest mentally, I kind of isolated my children, not wanting a cruel world to hurt them.

When I think about how horrible the incessant bullying was and still can be, not just for me, but others, it blows my mind that it’s acceptable. And my beloved daughter who’s only a tween, still, has to live in this world, that can be so cruel. As well as my son, who’s now an adult and had a completely different mother. There’s not much I can try to protect them from as their Mother. Or ever be able to show or explain, just how much I LOVE them. But hopefully I can help make this a better world for other children and adults. Of course, as well as for my beloved children.

Truthfully, If I could have, I would have been the 8 year old begging to get a gastric bypass and her G.E.D..There’s NOT one fond memory that I have of my school years. PERIOD. It was horrible and traumatic. The only thing I’m in awe of, is that it took another 20 years, for my mental health issues, to blow up. And again, as I said in my very (and even more rantier) first blog,that I don’t believe it’s that shocking, that the 35 days I spent in a psych ward, in August of 2008 (after my “one and only” suicide attempt), there was 2 other high school peers of mine, who were also brutally bullied, and had been frequent fliers in the mental health system, for most of their adult lives. Not passing judgment on them, just stating an understandable to me, fact.

As an activist, who follows other anti-bullying activists, I’d like to say and for some it’s true, it WILL get better.

But what happens for those of us, where it DOES NOT get better???

As FORTY years later, I’m STILL getting bullied. But I’m not the vulnerable little girl who everyone loved to pick on, who couldn’t defend herself. Or anyone else. I’m 45 years old and have a voice now. But I didn’t as a child and didn’t have one, until my early 20’s. Between that and my life circumstances. That’s where both the anti-bullying, body diversity and mental health activism, as well as human rights activism, that I try to do, is so important to me, and can help others.

I used to make a joke, before Columbine, that it’s a good thing I didn’t see the movie “Heathers” until after I was out of high school, which “Heathers” came out 10 years before the shoootings at Columbine.

I’m most definitely NOT saying that people who get bullied have a right, to take people’s lives. The absolutely DO NOT. But this is where if someone isn’t born with a lot of mental health issues, where they can be created. Because intense and constant emotional bullying and abuse can cause lifelong medical and psychological harm. If people can survive or live through it. And sometimes, they can’t.

People have a right to live their lives, with peace of mind. Of much as they are capable of, just as long it’s not at the expense of others. There isn’t a lot of that for those of us who are bullied, especially by multiple people on a daily basis, whether it’s strangers or loved ones who are doing this. While my life circumstances weren’t the worst in the world and the what, why, who and where, is still of relevance. I had a lot of potential, much more than I’m living up, to. Even though again, mostly due to medical reasons, it’s nothing short of a miracle, I’m still alive. And can articulate in ANY intelligent thought, at all.

However, I’m living a life, that I couldn’t fathom, as someone who was a responsible single mother in her early 30’s, ten years ago. And I was a fairly productive person, most of my life, until my late 30’s, when I had my nervous breakdown and then my suicide attempt.

What to do then, if it doesn’t get better? Whether someone’s a child or an adult who’s getting bullied and it’s having serious consequences on their lives? Get professional help. IMMEDIATELY. Realize, that when someone has nothing better to do than bullying someone, that’s NOT a reflection on who’s being bullied, it’s a poor reflection of the bully.

Please believe me, when I say that.

Everyone is entitled to a life where they have peace of mind. If you can learn with support (and lots of times it does need to be professional) , how to deflect the bullying, you don’t take on, others’s negativity. Knowing this, can change people’s lives, only for the better. No one has to absorb and internalize other’s hatred of them and hate themselves. I learned this the very hardest way. And I’m not playing total victim, here. I’ve made poor choices, too. But largely due to self hatred for decades, that inadvertently ended up hurting those I love the most.

Because unfortunately, when people are surrounded with negative messages about them, constantly, very few people can tolerate that without hating themselves, thinking that it’s justified. It’s NOT. It doesn’t help that in the media, that we are told every day that something is wrong with us. There’s a lot more money to be made in making people feel bad about themselves, than in self acceptance.

The one thing that helps me the most, when dealing with bullies, that I hope that can help those who suffer bullying and abuse to not only get professional help, and not own other’s hatred of them, is to remember this. It’s kind of a corny “meme” that’s gone all over the internet, but it’s so true.

It does help, enormously, to try and realize that “EVERYONE is fighting a battle, you know NOTHING about”. You don’t forgive others’s horrible transgressions, for THEM, necessarily, though. But if you can do this without harming yourself,, in any way, you do it for YOURSELF. You don’t have to though, wish others well, for those who don’t treat you the same way. Again, this is where I say, if at all possible (and I do struggle with this, at times, but try to be mindful of my words (and ONLY using words) on the rare occasion, I do engage) apathy, is the best route.

I will ALWAYS have more to say about this. But I want to hear what my readers have to say,if they experienced bullying, their experiences, if they are willing to share it.

Important Notes: Again, I am an activist NOT a clinically trained or credentialed medical and mental health professional. People in crisis need acute evaluation, supervision and treatment in an acute care facility or what a IN REAL LIFE, in person, professional, deems necessary best for you. This is ONLY appearing as a disclaimer, for the first and last time at the end of a blog, because I really do believe that this blog can help. But no blog and no one on the internet, can help like acute professional care, in appropriate facility, when in crisis.

Also note, any comments that are potentially triggering to my readers, will NOT be approved….

Ummm….IF you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face…………

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Although it’s apparently absolutely OK to say it ABOUT someone’s face. Or body. Or unusual circumstances. In this instance, via direct message on Facebook. Especially if you are me and you make the mistake of updating a profile pic, like I did last night. It happened to be that, I had just gotten my haircut and a blow out, a few days ago, and last night I was supposed to go out, so I snapped a quick selfie, that I originally NEVER intended to post online. Just was curious, truthfully, because I have a slight tremor, of how I photographed, after doing my makeup, which I very rarely wear makeup. But I didn’t feel well and so I ended up not going out last night. Which I had said when posting pic and then I made that pic my Facebook profile pic.

While I have amazing amount of supportive and kind Facebook friends, I also of course, have Facebook buds, where I know based upon their actions and what they say or lack of them, that I’m their “DUFF”. I didn’t even know what DUFF meant (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) until a couple of weeks ago. But I know in my case, that I’m the DUFF (Disabled Ugly Fat Friend) to some, and it came out in 3 separate messages by 3 different people, since I posted that picture, in the last 24 hours.

Here’s the pic I posted last night on Facebook….

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“Wow… You look SO much better….”  Better than Godzilla, of how I usually look???

“OMG, Your hairstylist is an absolute MIRACLE worker, kudos on your DECENT profile pic….” Um… Okay….

“Wow, I wish I had the time to get my hair done all fancy like that. Are you gonna change your profile pic back, to what you normally look like?” Yeah… I’ll get right on that. I’m SURPRISED you even noticed as you usually are on vacation every other week….

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? But the difference in this case, as I actually got unfriended and blocked, after these 3 people chose to say what they did to me, privately. Maybe I should embrace that the haters are now attaching their identities with their vitriol. I just found it odd, that not only did I get unfriended and blocked, that all 3 did not have a common an interest or social media tie, with anyone other than myself.

I get that I don’t have enviable looks or an enviable life. I’ve also been bullied my whole entire life and have suffered from horrible “justified” body dysmorphia. But let’s get something straightened out, right off the bat, as it applies to ME. Although I probably will regret admitting this.

DO NOT make the mistake of exchanging the words “cognitively disabled” with “STUPID”. I’m definitely NOT stupid. While MENSA is not beating down my door, I’m still fairly smart. However I used to be absolutely fucking BRILLIANT. And my loss of certain abilities, is nothing short of bizarre. While I have a tendency to try to concentrate on the positives that the internet and social media, brings to my life. But I’m not completely immune to the hate. As exhibited in my last 2 blogs. I just don’t let it ruin my life. I’ve had ENOUGH life ruining circumstances, but still try to concentrate on the good. And learn from the bad.

If what’s sucky about my life, makes your life seem great, well, it’s not myself or my unusual circumstances that are the problem. It’s someone’s need to benefit somehow from other people’s painful issues, and while I’m not a lot of great things, I’m not that devoid of a soul, to take comfort in other’s misery. Team Lisa 10 vs. Team Cowardly Hater 0.

It’s pathetic that for someone who doesn’t have a huge social media base, is not influential on social media, that the little things I do, compared to the big things, that I’ve experienced that are in this blog, ruffles so many people’s feathers.

About 8 months ago, I had gone on a long walk, and it was a big deal, given my disability sets. I also have strange health issues, such as being literally allergic to the sun, given my long term nutritional deficiencies. The clinical name for it, is Photophobia. I also have severe chronic pain issues, in addition to my neurological issues. The fact that I had walked 6 miles on this particular day, was a BIG deal. I also looked like I had been baked in an oven.

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The gems I got from this one, were also of the passive-aggressive variety……..

“Wow, I wish I could do that, but I have a JOB and have  to work…..” What’s that thing you speak of, work?

“Wow, you are BRAVE, posting a pic like that…” i.e brave=STUPID

“Are you sure it was a six mile walk???”… No.. It wasn’t. Ya busted me again for lying. It said 6 miles when I “mapquested” it. But you know how inaccurate MapQuest is. 6 miles is actually 6 blocks <dropping copious amounts of sarcasm>,  And the truth be told, I look like that, after 6 seconds on ANY sunny day, with my health issues.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words…. OR in my case, a thousand of unnecessary, passive-aggressive and rude comments. If you wouldn’t make the same comment to a clergy member or your beloved grandmother, about a picture, feel free to cease and desist, from doing this, on social media, OK? In my case, it’s not gonna be the end of me. But in others, you may really HURT someone, who’s super vulnerable. People who do shit like this, aren’t the geniuses they think they are. It’s a lot easier, but a lot more cruel, to try and go in for the kill, then it is to concentrate on what’s good about the people you surround yourself with on social media, and off it.

Just know if you make me your target, you didn’t ruin me. And usually while I won’t fight back, again, this is another warning, you won’t like what I have to say, if I actually fight back.

p.s. This blog sponsored by 2 out of the 3 people who unfriended me, but forgot to unfollow me on WordPress. Ain’t the first time. And this ain’t my first rodeo, K?

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