Disclaimers: This blog is not going to contain my normal disclaimers when writing a serious blog, because it’s personal in nature versus to accomplish any kind of activism, other than understanding of situations or circumstances in people, that I understand might be difficult, for those of us who live an abnormal life but aren’t capable of hurting other people, at least with malice or intention, if at all.
There may or may not be profanity, because for those who know me in my offline life, know that I do swear, but am sensitive to my audience i.e. not in front clergy, children or people who find profanity, offensive.
I do get why, to an extent people for many complex reasons find me and my life, offensive, maybe they will find it a little less offensive, when knowing a little a bit about why in this era of my life, I conduct myself and my life, the way I do. Thanks!!!
WHOA, I be a blogging a lot, as of late.
While I always have a lot on my mind, for someone who is devoid of normal responsibilities my age, I don’t always feel the need to share it.
But I do know that people in my personal offline life and people who I have social media ties, whether or not they are supportive, still have a curiosity of what I do with the “freedom” I never asked for or wanted and I can’t try to explain that, without explaining they “why”.
I figured the best way to do that, especially as my medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities increase in it’s severity as I get older, is to give people an insight on a “week in my life” of what I did and what I didn’t or won’t do and why.
Sunday 3-4-2018: I never schedule anything on a Sunday. If I am guaranteed to get out, it’s on Saturday and even that’s been sketchy as of late. But I’m exhausted and in a lot of pain from the previous day’s activities where I did get out. I’m also further impacted by a pesky gallbladder attack that actually led me to go to an urgent care and ER (I usually only seek medical treatment twice a year, with PCP, 3x a year, if she pushes on a specialty) 4 days earlier and I didn’t go to an ER the week prior, when I had an episode for an hour of atrial fibrillation (I”m not prone to cardiac issues, with being a heavy and heavy smoker) but it was at least a good experience that I got partially diagnosed without any judgement (which will also be a topic of another blog!!!) .
I think I wrote a blog and I know because I daily answer inquiries about reversals and other stuff I blog about, as well as affordable housing.
Monday 3-5-2018: I don’t go anywhere again, because I feel physically awful and am exhausted by my anxiety, too. And unfortunately February of 2018’s events led to unusual behaviors in me, that make me run extremely low on meds (this will be a topic for another blog, given my activism regarding addiction) and my physician calls me and actually does okay an early refill on my meds that I normally NEVER would ask her for.
Tuesday 3-6-2018: I STILL don’t go anywhere even though I’m super low on meds and feel terrible, physically. So I cut down on my meds until I run out and don’t do much else other than my daily routine of helping people with inquiries about whatever they read in my blogs.
Wednesday 3-7-2018: I unfortunately have to get out of my house, cause I’m out of meds and food. So I pick up my meds and take the bus to near where my boyfriend lives, in an area I LOVE. My 4 hour adventure completely exhausts me, but at least I know I can resume my normal medication regimen, which helps a little, to be more comfortable 2 hours, twice a day.
Thursday 3-8-2018: I get out for 90 minutes because I have a scheduled appointment with a worker who helps me with errands because I don’t drive, due to my disability waiver. And while I feel like total shit, I can be vulnerable with her, at the same time, amazing her with my desire to help others as well as sometimes great insight into human nature, while at the same time, making her to take me to one particular store for ONE item, that I completely forget why we are going there for, until she reminds me.
As well as awing her with my inability to express that and anything else, in NO logical sequence of order and/or NO complete thought processes in about the 9,271 topics I bring up at once.
Friday: 3-9-2018: I feel like total shit, because in addition to having my normal severe pain, I’m waking up with a migraine (due to my bizarre allergy to the SUN) even though it’s still dark out, that happens in the middle of the night on days that will be sunny. And yes, I have what I call “reverse seasonal affective disorder”, I’m literally dreading Daylight Saving TIme. And Summer, although super cold and cloudy days can kick my ass, just as much as sunny days do, it just shows more on me, on a sunny day. Because I feel like I’ve been set on fire, all over, when it’s sunny out.
Because of this I have to miss a scheduled volunteer meeting on an initiative that I actually BEGGED to be created. As well as a nice lunch with my boyfriend, in his neighborhood that I love. And I feel emotionally TERRIBLE about bailing on both. But am in too much physical pain, to even think of leaving my home.
So hence my previous blog and this one, and when I’m done with this, I’ll try to get a handle on my physical pain so I can make a simple lunch and try to calm my anxiety and thought cluttered brain, to read a book and/or magazine, for the rest of the afternoon.
Saturday 3-10-2018: Usually I go out with my boyfriend on Saturdays, but have missed some as late. He has a local thing he does near me on Saturdays but not tomorrow. While he is willing to see me, I’d prefer he didn’t come to Minneapolis if he didn’t have to, because I’m so unpredictable and hard to make plans with, any day, but especially lately.
I also graciously bow out of an invite to a birthday dinner for my Dad, that’s just to include my parents and my sisters (usually their dinners also include their grandkids) at an upscale steakhouse in Downtown Minneapolis, one that I haven’t gone to, for 11 years.
I’m not saying this meanly, I have enough just to take a shower and get dressed, on a day that I’m capable of getting out. My Mother and my 40 something old sisters, who in addition to being beautiful and well put together, smart and having good senses of humor, are busy accomplished gainfully employed and great mothers. As well as the birthday boy to be, at almost the age of 72, is way more functional and put together , than his 48 year old daughter.
Even if I could pretend to look nice and be okay, which I can’t do, I’m not going to ruin their dinner because I have not a fucking clue to what to say to them, my life is so completely devoid of any responsibility, that I could keep my mouth shut. But that would be terribly awkward for EVERYONE.
That’s just a glimpse in what’s an unusual week for me.
EVERYDAY is different, depending on how bad my physical pain, is how bad my anxiety is and whether or not I think I can keep it together so I don’t lose possessions (i.e my keys or my phone that contains my i.d. and debit card) or look vulnerable, because there is so few people I can trust, to be at my most vulnerable, and I’m super painfully aware of what sets me apart from most people.
Even though I can be super insightful and have a great sense of humor at times (so I’m told!!!) .
I get that everyone has there own great things and their own private pain.
I try to be and I am empathetic, just like I was when I was a busy full time employed single mother of 2.
I’m not saying I’m this angel, I have my own stuff, that’s less than desirable, that makes me not a fun person to spend a ton of time with.
I still worry about those I love the most and hate that I can’t do anything constructive for them, 99.5% of the time.
I do try to help people when I can, even with serious stuff, with serious boundaries in place, because I can do that, from the privacy of my home.
Hopefully this explains why, for the few of us, who you may know, live way unconventional lives, can get upset with any kind of comments on our free time.
I get that some people, despite great adversity, don’t let them or their circumstances limit them.
I’m just explaining from my point of view, because I am capable on rare occasion, of doing good productive things.
But I’m at the mercy of medical, mental health and cognitive disability, EVERYDAY.
That’s why I’m not taking the MCAT and LSAT to attend both medical and law school at the same time, even if I could online. I wouldn’t remember 80% of what’s being taught, even if I could pass both of them.
Let alone the little responsibilities but can’t completely guarantee any follow through in commitment.
So please, I get why others are busy. I get why and what I do and don’t do, is pathetically at best, temporarily fascinating.
But it’s my life and my current circumstances and I’d do anything to be Lisa circa 2004.
But I’m not and I can’t be, anymore.
So I really wish people could understand better, of why people sometimes are less strong in the face of adversity.
It’s way more complicated then just the glimpse I gave you, in about 1800 words, though.
And I give anything to change this, but I can’t.
You’re just going to have to take my word for it, if you could be so kind.
Even though I was taught that “actions speak louder than words” in a good productive sense.
Note: Constructive dialogue is welcomed. I’m assuming the nature of the blog, would hopefully not encourage any kind of hate.
Also, out of respect for people who I mention in this blog who are private people, I would prefer to only discuss this on here and not anywhere on Facebook or Twitter, where blog is auto posting.