It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for January, 2015

Ummm….IF you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face…………


Although it’s apparently absolutely OK to say it ABOUT someone’s face. Or body. Or unusual circumstances. In this instance, via direct message on Facebook. Especially if you are me and you make the mistake of updating a profile pic, like I did last night. It happened to be that, I had just gotten my haircut and a blow out, a few days ago, and last night I was supposed to go out, so I snapped a quick selfie, that I originally NEVER intended to post online. Just was curious, truthfully, because I have a slight tremor, of how I photographed, after doing my makeup, which I very rarely wear makeup. But I didn’t feel well and so I ended up not going out last night. Which I had said when posting pic and then I made that pic my Facebook profile pic.

While I have amazing amount of supportive and kind Facebook friends, I also of course, have Facebook buds, where I know based upon their actions and what they say or lack of them, that I’m their “DUFF”. I didn’t even know what DUFF meant (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) until a couple of weeks ago. But I know in my case, that I’m the DUFF (Disabled Ugly Fat Friend) to some, and it came out in 3 separate messages by 3 different people, since I posted that picture, in the last 24 hours.

Here’s the pic I posted last night on Facebook….


“Wow… You look SO much better….”  Better than Godzilla, of how I usually look???

“OMG, Your hairstylist is an absolute MIRACLE worker, kudos on your DECENT profile pic….” Um… Okay….

“Wow, I wish I had the time to get my hair done all fancy like that. Are you gonna change your profile pic back, to what you normally look like?” Yeah… I’ll get right on that. I’m SURPRISED you even noticed as you usually are on vacation every other week….

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? But the difference in this case, as I actually got unfriended and blocked, after these 3 people chose to say what they did to me, privately. Maybe I should embrace that the haters are now attaching their identities with their vitriol. I just found it odd, that not only did I get unfriended and blocked, that all 3 did not have a common an interest or social media tie, with anyone other than myself.

I get that I don’t have enviable looks or an enviable life. I’ve also been bullied my whole entire life and have suffered from horrible “justified” body dysmorphia. But let’s get something straightened out, right off the bat, as it applies to ME. Although I probably will regret admitting this.

DO NOT make the mistake of exchanging the words “cognitively disabled” with “STUPID”. I’m definitely NOT stupid. While MENSA is not beating down my door, I’m still fairly smart. However I used to be absolutely fucking BRILLIANT. And my loss of certain abilities, is nothing short of bizarre. While I have a tendency to try to concentrate on the positives that the internet and social media, brings to my life. But I’m not completely immune to the hate. As exhibited in my last 2 blogs. I just don’t let it ruin my life. I’ve had ENOUGH life ruining circumstances, but still try to concentrate on the good. And learn from the bad.

If what’s sucky about my life, makes your life seem great, well, it’s not myself or my unusual circumstances that are the problem. It’s someone’s need to benefit somehow from other people’s painful issues, and while I’m not a lot of great things, I’m not that devoid of a soul, to take comfort in other’s misery. Team Lisa 10 vs. Team Cowardly Hater 0.

It’s pathetic that for someone who doesn’t have a huge social media base, is not influential on social media, that the little things I do, compared to the big things, that I’ve experienced that are in this blog, ruffles so many people’s feathers.

About 8 months ago, I had gone on a long walk, and it was a big deal, given my disability sets. I also have strange health issues, such as being literally allergic to the sun, given my long term nutritional deficiencies. The clinical name for it, is Photophobia. I also have severe chronic pain issues, in addition to my neurological issues. The fact that I had walked 6 miles on this particular day, was a BIG deal. I also looked like I had been baked in an oven.


The gems I got from this one, were also of the passive-aggressive variety……..

“Wow, I wish I could do that, but I have a JOB and have  to work…..” What’s that thing you speak of, work?

“Wow, you are BRAVE, posting a pic like that…” i.e brave=STUPID

“Are you sure it was a six mile walk???”… No.. It wasn’t. Ya busted me again for lying. It said 6 miles when I “mapquested” it. But you know how inaccurate MapQuest is. 6 miles is actually 6 blocks <dropping copious amounts of sarcasm>,  And the truth be told, I look like that, after 6 seconds on ANY sunny day, with my health issues.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words…. OR in my case, a thousand of unnecessary, passive-aggressive and rude comments. If you wouldn’t make the same comment to a clergy member or your beloved grandmother, about a picture, feel free to cease and desist, from doing this, on social media, OK? In my case, it’s not gonna be the end of me. But in others, you may really HURT someone, who’s super vulnerable. People who do shit like this, aren’t the geniuses they think they are. It’s a lot easier, but a lot more cruel, to try and go in for the kill, then it is to concentrate on what’s good about the people you surround yourself with on social media, and off it.

Just know if you make me your target, you didn’t ruin me. And usually while I won’t fight back, again, this is another warning, you won’t like what I have to say, if I actually fight back.

p.s. This blog sponsored by 2 out of the 3 people who unfriended me, but forgot to unfollow me on WordPress. Ain’t the first time. And this ain’t my first rodeo, K?

An Internet Conspiracy of EPIC Proportions, Right???

(no copyright infringement, intended with above video)

Okay, I am feeling like due to all the activism that I do and it’s backfiring, today, to take an internet sabbatical for a couple of days. So I’m wrapping up my email after closing out social media and I run into the following email…….


Okay, I picked above song, because I honestly feel like I’ve gone 12 rounds in a boxing ring with the Russian guy in Rocky IV, today. Go to really try to rapidly wrap up some emails that should be addressed, and see the above. Maybe the Cheesecake factory isn’t in  cahoots with Target for example, where my size 16 ass on average can’t fit into their largest shirts. FINE…. And if The Cheesecake Factory is trying a marketing ploy to get “health” conscious people in, and think marketing salads and protein items will work, so be it.  I am taking a temporary break from the internet anyways, right?

Go to respond to one more email, before calling it a day on here. See that  I have new email. Telling me I’m a FUCKING absolute fraud, as a size acceptance and fat acceptance advocate, because I happen to have the following picture on Facebook. This like most of my hate, is done anonymously and my disabled ass, doesn’t give a FUCK enough nor could I figure out how to track this anyways. But this is the picture they are calling me out on…


Okay, I will be truthful like always on here. Why can’t I talk about weight loss and still be considered an asset to the Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance communities??? Last time I checked, there wasn’t a weight requirement.  To me it’s no more fair for me just talk about my reversal and/or weight loss surgery complications, while I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything by keeping the 50+lbs off, wouldn’t it be censoring in other ways, not to make mention of it? At all??? You know how much shit I have to put up with those in the weight loss surgery community, who hate me but say gems like, “you should have been able to keep off more weight than you did, given you’re starting weight!!!” Do you realize also how  FUCKING moronic that is. If people in the weight loss surgery community don’t like hearing how FUCKING fat they were, before, their weight loss surgeries, maybe they should use more discretion than to pick on me.

Point I’m trying to make, is I AM allowed to defend myself, regardless of where hate is coming from…..

I understand better than anyone, where so much weight talk can be triggering. I try to keep my spaces safe for everyone. But I’m allowed to say what my truths, are. To expect anything less of me, is not fair to anyone. Last time I checked, NO ONE was forced at gunpoint to have any association with me, either online or offline.

So yeah, the day from HELL, is making me go offline for a little bit. And it’s amazing, not only have I not left my house today, I’ve felt so poorly, I haven’t even FUCKING left my chair. So I’m going offline. A couple of days. So don’t take it personal, if I don’t get back to you, right away. If you like me. And if you don’t, well don’t let the door hit ya in the ass, on your way out, OK???

Bye-Bye, Internet at Large. HELLO Netflix for one……

Fat Chance/”Hellthy” part 2………….


(No copyright infringement intended with image or video)

It’s not over until the fat lady sings, or in my case, because I sound like a “rooster on crack” when I sing, when this fat lady tells you that other than not eating a tapeworm, cutting off her tongue and trying Nutrisystem, that I’ve done everything else to lose weight and keep it off.

Oh, and I lest I forget, I haven’t tried pouring kerosene all over my obscenely HUGE and ugly midsection and turkey neck, to rid of the weight. Shame on me for not trying (dripping copious amounts of sarcasm).

I’m apparently not being clear here, so I’ll clear things up about myself and what a pathetic society I’m living in now.

I will NOT allow my legacy as an activist or as person be defined as that chick who had her gastric bypass reversed when she was a size 14, almost NINE years after living with really bad complications, to save her life, in 2010 (hence the reason for pic on blog, as I get looked as fat Unicorn on crack, when people find out that my gastric bypass was just taken down).

And feel like I have to constantly apologize that I didn’t want to be thin, enough, to just let myself die from gastric bypass complications, when my surgeon first refused to revise me and then had to reverse me, to save my life, but sicker then any health issues, medically that I NEVER had due to being fat. I’ve had all the psychological stuff though that comes from being fat, causes. There’s a common misconception about both  my major regain prior to my reversal and my mental health issues. I started losing it mentally while I still was THIN. I’m not saying there wasn’t good things about being thin, but I paid dearly for it. Gaining almost all my weight back due to meds from late 2007 to early 2010, was by far NOT the worst thing to happen to me.

I’m NOT going to apologize, though, for defending the weight loss surgery community for the right and relief they have, of having weight loss surgery. Whether it’s health directed or NOT. We live in a society that demonizes people who are fat, I understand better than anyone, the myriad of reasons of why people have weight loss surgery. Or want to lose weight.

I’m MOST DEFINITELY NOT going to apologize FOR  the Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance community for being outraged and my being in absolute agreement with them, that we need to stop bigotry and oppression of fat people and the answer to that, can’t just be eradicate “Obesity”. It should be unacceptable to judge people so harshly based upon how much space a person takes up. Or what size they wear.

And I’m definitely NOT going to apologize to those who have to suffer from thin or skinny shaming or bashing, for defending them. There is NO privilege when we oppress anyone. We’ve stigmatized being fat so much, that try finding the statistics of how many people die due to Anorexia Nervosa. You can’t, because it’s all tied in with the “Obesity Crisis”. And we wonder why people literally die starving to death with food in front of them!!!!

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve heard most of my life that I’m too fat or for 3 years, I was too thin. Because of the “risky easy way out”  gastric bypass I had REALLY? Seriously? OK….

DO NOT say that you don’t care what people weigh, as long as they are “healthy”. FUCK YOU!!! People’s measure of others health and self worth is based upon a status on Facebook and what they look like on Instagram. Most people REALLY don’t care about health outside of that. Who are you trying to kid??? I’m not saying that I don’t have people who don’t care about me as a person, on social media, because I do have people who care about me. But your average “health” samaritan, is qualifying my “health” based upon my weight. NOT based upon my low blood pressure, my a1c of a 3, or the fact as a 2 pack a day smoker, I can actually walk intensely for 6 miles, often, while DISABLED and not keel over.

I never commented on the video, that’s posted above,  when it first went viral. While I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Louis C.K.’s comedy (he either makes me laugh hysterically or REALLY uncomfortable) kudos to him, for describing my and many fat women’s experiences. BUT not every fat women’s experience. But if you wanna have some idea of what it’s like to be fat, if you’ve never been, not only should you watch the video. READ the comments, which I was stupid enough to do, about a week ago. And maybe the reason for this blog, will make more sense to you. If you are sensitive to weight issues, I advise you NOT to read the comments. They are absolutely HORRIBLE.

I’ve really given a lot of thought of just giving up as an activist. I mean, I did keep off 50 lbs which if I wouldn’t have shrunk 2 inches as a result of my gastric bypass, in the last 13 years, would’ve made my weight loss 1/2 my excess weight. Which is the ONLY indication of a successful bariatric surgery. So basically I have 6 more lbs to lose and then everyone can consider my gastric bypass to be a success.

Do you see how RIDICULOUS this all is???????

But the point I’m trying to make, when I think of giving up is, that I’m a “baby fat” by SA/FA standards and most of society. I take up one seat on the bus. I fit into a booth comfortably. Unless I’m at Bebe or Guess? where very little of their clothes fit me, while my closet contains both misses and plus clothes, I’m on the smaller spectrum of being “plus sized”.

I could just go on with my very small life and no one would know what I’ve been through. And maybe I’d be better off ,not making my most personal hurts and failures, public. It’s almost masochistic of me that I continue to do this. However I know what I’ve been through. I know when sitting on a psych ward for 35 days,  6 1/2 years ago, there was 2 other people in my school, who used to be as bullied as I was who were frequent flyers in the mental health system. I’m in awe that I lasted 38 1/2 years without a nervous breakdown. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a bullied kid in the digital era. I’m struggling to make it as an adult. I know that dozens of people have told me that my activism and my blog has helped them, though. And I couldn’t live the very small life I do, without trying my hardest, to live an altruistic life.

I just want to tell you while almost EVERYONE  worries about how much someone weighs and the negative messages that the average person hears negatively about fat, of who we give a pass on social media and outside of it. Drug Addicts and dealers. Murders, Rapists and Pedophiles. People who are on social media while operating a motor vehicle.

Maybe, instead of being worried about what others put in their mouths, we worry more instead of what we are putting in others brains and psyches. Most of society is rapidly becoming a vapid, short attention span, narcissistic, can’t look up from their cell phone types, of people.

It shouldn’t be harder as we go forward to just exist in our society, as it becomes more technologically advanced, we get more backwards as people. It’s not progress that people have many ways now to tell others , of just how much they HATE them.

I’m now 45 years old. I lived longer than anyone could have expected (because of medical health issues and gastric bypass complications), including myself. I’ve been defined, horribly bullied and subjected to bias and hate for almost FORTY years now. For being fat and ugly. I didn’t live this long  and live through what I did, to not see things and try to take positive action to be a part of the solution.

And make no mistake about it, for how much I say that will try to help fat shaming and oppression there’s a thousand (I’m sure I’m vastly underestimating) hateful things being said to someone who’s fat, right now. I can’t say though until there’s a major initiative or shift in change of thinking, in our society on what we define as “healthy”, that much is going to change. It’s not going to and that’s probably what’s so disheartening to me.

That doesn’t mean though that until I lose all ability to think in intelligent thought, speak and be able to type that I will keep my mouth shut. I won’t.

I didn’t survive all this shit, to not try and help others, not define themselves by weight and not lose their psyches or their lives to this.

I’ll be damned if I give up now………………….

More than this………


“I could feel at the time/there was no way of knowing….” /Roxy Music/Bryan Ferry “More Than This” /No copyright infringement intended..

I’m apparently starting 2015, a lot like I did with 2014. Caught between where I was 5 years ago and where I was 10 years ago.

Especially in the case of this particular weekend, where I’ve a pretty good memory (which is nothing less than shocking, to me, and those who know me well) where I was both exactly 5 years ago and 10 years ago.

Martin Luther King weekend of 2005, I was with my children, who were 12 1/2 (Zach) and 22 1/2 months old (Zoe Arielle) respectively, on vacation in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. While I was no longer working, I was in school to be a Certified Personal Trainer and in the process of launching a small business.

I remember that trip, quite well. It was Zoe’s first (and only) time on a plane. We had unfortunately booked our trip through a company that rhymes with “hot liar”, and while we got to Minneapolis/St Paul airport at 6:30am (took a cab from our apartment in Plymouth to the airport). Didn’t get to Fort Lauderdale until 12:30 am, the following day, as we had a layover in Philadelphia. It was quite frigid in both Minneapolis and Philadelphia and while it was warmer in Fort Lauderdale, it was unseasonably cool, even there, (late 40 degree temps at night, mid 60’s most of the trip, except the last 2 days where it got above 75).

While my parents lived close by to me (actually, everyone in my immediate family lives somewhat close by, save my oldest nephew who’s now in college) they had a second home for quite a while in the Fort Lauderdale suburbs. So while Zach and I had been to Florida quite a few times to visit them when they “wintered” there, between my pregnancy and maternity leave while I still worked until 2004, couldn’t afford to go to Florida. And after our  January 2005 trip, I was too sick to be able to travel, so it ended also being the last time, my children and I would be on a plane or out of the state of Minnesota.

My son ended up staying with my parents during that trip except the last night, I had already reserved a Marriott Town Suite in Fort Lauderdale, where Zoe and I stayed. I had many fond memories of that trip, whether it was being amused of how much crap that one needs to take on a plane for a toddler, to how much space my little 22 1/2 month old would take up in a king size bed. I had rented a car, too, so that we could go on adventures together, all 3 of us, in addition to spending time and going out with my parents. We drove to Las Olas Boulevard and the shops and restaurants all over, we also drove down to South Beach and saw the hotels and the cruise ships, it was a lot of fun, though.

Never Ever, to think,  at the time, that 3 1/2 years later, I’d be on a psych ward for 35 1/2 days, after years of being sick and getting sicker physically and mentally to disintegrate, after one serious suicide attempt and giving up custody before that, knowing that I was acutely suicidal and too medically and mentally fragile to best raise my kids, any longer.

Martin Luther King weekend of 2010, was spent inpatient at Fairview University Medical Center, one of many inpatient medical admissions I had from 2006 to 2010. What was different about this particular inpatient admission, is that I was begging my surgeon after almost gaining all my weight back, due to the meds I had been put on from nervous breakdown in 2007, increased and added post suicide attempt in 2008, that caused me to be the same size (a 24) that I was at my biggest before my gastric bypass.

What was memorable about that admission was that I didn’t beg my surgeon to reverse my gastric bypass, as I had NO idea that gastric bypasses were EVEN “reversible”, I begged him to REVISE me. Because if I had to be that sick, I didn’t want to be that fat again, if I am to be truthful.

Never Ever, to think,  that 6 months later, my surgeon told me I needed a reversal, if I wanted to live and have any shot of anything resembling a normal life. By then my definition of normal had been so reduced, beyond the scope of anything I could have comprehended, ten years, before.

I’m not trying to trigger my size acceptance and fat acceptance peers when I say that I had asked for revision in January of 2010. And I have more blogs in me of why I do the activism that I do, when it comes to both weight loss surgery and/or SA/FA. And why I’m supportive of BOTH. But this isn’t the blog to discuss that.

This is the blog that explains my constant sense of remorse, that I have a life, that while I know just how lucky that I am be alive, is so far away from the life I dreamed of, ten years ago. It’s why even though 5 years ago that I had just gotten out of the mental health system, after a an almost 17 month stint, that as much as I complain, I don’t take things for granted.

But as I’ve said before, I never took things or people for granted. My freedom, perhaps, but really NOTHING else. There’s really NO learning lesson when in my life, my complex medical, cognitive and mental health issues, robbed me of abilities, that are just not conceivable to most people.

But again, I understand how lucky I am to have kids. I am lucky to have those I love the most, still alive.

Still, I’m always going to struggle with this….

“There was no way of knowing/like a dream in the night/of which way we were going” – Roxy Music/Bryan Ferry “More Than This”……

(Note: Above pic of my kids and I, taken 2005)

“#JeSuisJuifOfficiel “…………

Last week, I never made any comment on the attacks in Paris, because I had no words. It made me profoundly sad and helpless, to see people die for their beliefs whether religious or political or because they believe in the freedom of speech.

I remember when I went to Paris, in June of 1996. I was there a total of about 8 hours. I’ve made mention in my blog,that I had been in London, for a business trip (which Princess Diana was on my plane from O’Hare to London Heathrow !!!!!) and decided to take a day trip there (as it was my 1st and last time out of the United States).

I was the typical “tres grosse americane”. When people would say that the French do NOT like fat American women, they aren’t kidding. I felt so uncomfortable in Paris, that I cut my trip short, and went back to London.

At NO time did I think about getting a gun and killing everyone, in Paris. Nor does that thought ever cross my mind every time someone says something not nice to me about my weight, looks or health. Because of that was the case, I’d probably have to shoot and kill, like um, EVERYBODY.

And while I say that in jest, what I’m talking about is one of the most NOT fun topics in the world. But that’s why it needs some humor.

I am actually Jewish. While non practicing, I was born Jewish and raised that way. And I have to say my children while not brought up the same way, I was, they are Jewish, too. The thing about it then, is by the time I had children there was already enough anti-semitic acts of violence, here in the good ole U.S of A., that I didn’t feel comfortable of public displays of our being Jewish. I didn’t have a mezzuzah on my door, nor did I have Chanukkah decorations on my windows. And I had horrible anxiety every time my son went to Hebrew School for 5 years. And when he stopped going, truthfully, I was relieved.

But here’s the point I’m trying to make with this particular blog. Because it’s not anti-Islam. It’s anti- EXTREMIST Islam. And on the hopes of maybe someone from Al-Qaeda actually reads this blog this what I want to impart on them.

” Dear Al Qaeda/Radical IslamicExtremist terrorist,

I’m REALLY trying to understand, killing in the name of religious beliefs. Your Prophet Mohammed seems like a peaceful prophet and while he doesn’t talk to me (neither does G-d, Jesus or any other religious deity, SUCKS to be me) how does one decide to do this? Is there some kind of terrorist handbook? Given the fact that you guys know everything, did Hitler have a version  of that, tailored to him, too? How is there honor in killing innocents based upon beliefs that differ from yours? Or that it’s considered “noble” to die for beliefs like that? Isn’t it more noble to express being upset about differences, peacefully, then killing in the name of peace?

Wouldn’t it be a disaster if lets say if people within the same religion killed someone for any difference of opinion? You’d have no one to rule over or cause fear in. All my Muslim friends are peaceful ones. I’d like to think they will be rewarded, if there is an afterlife.

Do you realize those who mock you, aren’t mocking your prophet. They are mocking killing in the name of peace, because of the horrific hypocrisy in doing that.

I’m just trying to UNDERSTAND, OK? Please explain. Respectfully, Lisa

p.s. I am Jewish. When others go against our beliefs, we PRETEND they are dead. We don’t actually kill them. A LOT less messier. ”

OKAY.. I be kind of BRAVE (i.e stupid) behind a keyboard. I’m really NOT that reckless. The thing is, I’m not afraid to die peacefully, for a cause I believe in. If I honestly thought that Al-Qaeda or any person who belongs to a  type of radical Islamic terrorist cell, would actually  hunt me down and shoot me for them, I’d give them an address to do that.

The problem with terrorism, is complex. I have far too many disabilities, to even try to begin to understand all of it. But because I’m capable of intelligent thought, I do get it. Somewhat. It’s cowardly cruel game of sorts with no clear cut rules. Not everyone dies, because someone has to live, to instill fear in.

This is where terrorists actually get us and I don’t know what the answer or solution to combating terrorism, is. As I don’t censor myself based upon consequences to myself.

HOWEVER… I do most definitely censor myself based upon consequences being put forth, on those I love. And I think in intelligent thought, enough, to realize that would be the most dire consequence. And if I honestly thought, for one second, that would be consequences to those I love (I have about 13 subscribers, none of them known terrorists) I would’ve NEVER written this, let alone, publish..

If I have legacy to be left as an activist, it would be that people express difference of opinions and beliefs, peacefully. That people should use their words, not harmful actions that result in tragic lost of life. Ending another’s life or your own in a bizarre belief system, isn’t noble. It’s quite cowardly and there is NO honor in it.

I can only hope that we find a peaceful solution, globally, to resolve our differences. But I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take. I can only hope and pray that someone, actually does…..

Until then……..Je suis Charlie Hebdo…. Je suis juif…..   Peace to all…..

“Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline”

There’s one thing that’s fundamental to a bariatric surgical patient’s success, that isn’t being talked about in the weight loss surgery communities, at all. Or if it is, it hasn’t made it on my radar and I’ve got a lot of social media ties, with a lot of the most popular weight loss surgery advocates.

What I’m referring to in my definition “Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline”, it’s not mocking bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder, nor is it putting that diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder and/or Borderline, on all of the weight loss surgery community. It’s a “lisaism” of sorts, of personality or mood traits that I see in a lot of weight loss surgery patients, that while it may not sabotage their weight loss, it definitely does sabotage their happiness, post weight loss surgery. As well as those who are around them. And it definitely has an adverse effect on their mental health.

To explain this better, I’ll create a persona that’s a composite of a lot of weight loss surgery people who I know on social media, who have “Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline”. I’ll call her “RockingIT Regina Rny”.  She’s 3 years status post gastric bypass. And has lost 200 lbs. And seems to be very happy and healthy. On the exterior. But she’s really NOT. You’ll have to use your imagination, somewhat, of trying to get, as far as my trying to create what it’s like to have a social media tie, with people like this. So here’s to a “Day in the life of Regina”….

RockingIT ReginaRny (6:12am): Is getting her fitness on. Here’s to another amazing spinning class. Later, Gators… RockingIT ReginaRny is at Workout World

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:12am): Phew. Glad that’s over. INTENSE. Is drinking a YUMMY protein cherry cheesecake shake from the amazing people at Bariatric Barbarians (feel free to check out my newest giveaway from them at my blog). Gonna surf the net and can’t wait to go shopping and out to lunch. For my wls peeps, remember, take your vitamins!!! Later!!!

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:14am): RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture on Instagram. “Just chillin with the world’s best puppy”

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:16am): RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture to Pinterest. “Yum!!! Gonna have to try and make this Tofu Tiramisu with roasted hot peppers. NOT only is it 12 calories and 180 grams of protein, but the peppers have a metabolic effect and you actually LOSE WEIGHT. YAY!!!”

RockingIT ReginaRny (8:19am): RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture on Instagram: #SBS (Swing Back Saturday). “I made the most important decision of my life, 4 years ago to have wls. I’m proud that I’ve lost and maintained my weight for 22 months now. I’m now 1011 days, 6 hours, 24 minutes and 15 seconds post rny and can say I’ve NEVER been happier or healthier in my life. #SBS #200poundsGONEFOREVER #RockingMYTool #BESTdecisionofMYLIFE

RockingIT ReginaRny (11:02am): RockingIT ReginaRny and VirginiaVSG is at The Cheesecake Factory.

RockingIT ReginaRny (11:29am):  RockingIT ReginaRny  posted a picture on Instagram. “Split a side salad w/my homegirl. And a super healthy DELICIOUS fruit cup. Have 95.8 % left over.” #wlswinningit

RockingIT ReginaRny (12:17pm) RockingIT ReginaRny is with VirginiaVSG at Bebe. “I suck!!! Went from a size 0 to a 2.My SUPER HUGE muffin top is hanging all of these jeans that SHOULD be big on me.  Shouldn’t have had a spritz of the vinagrette on my 4 bites of salad. I AM HUGE NOW. Will recommit. #regainsucks

RockingIT ReginaRny(1:02pm) RockingIT ReginaRny is with VirginiaVSG at Guess.

RockingIT ReginaRny(1:11pm) RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture to Instagram. “YAY!!! I don’t suck, after all. Finally fit into a pair of jeans that I’ve been eyeing for 2 months now!!! In a size -12. I exceeded my goals beyond my wildest dreams. I’m crying tears of joy. I hope you can enjoy this moment with me, and if you are struggling after weight loss surgery, hit me up, I’d be more than happy to help!!!” #wlsrocks

RockingIT ReginaRny(1:47pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny is with VirginiaVSG at Victoria’s Secret. “I practically freaking tripped over my sagging boobies when walking in here. WTF? Who goes from a 48E to a 28AA? But I’m living my dream being able to shop from here. Can’t believe in 4 weeks, 2 days,6 hours and 15 minutes, I’ll be having my reconstructive surgeries. Breast lift, implants and my tummy tuck. It’s dragging. Both my boobs and the time. But that can be my 2nd new birthday, after my rny. YAY!!!: #ifyoucandreamityoucanbeit

RockingIT ReginaRny(4:17pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny ran 3.25 miles with MapMyRun.

RockingIT ReginaRny(5:49pm):  DEVOURING a yummy triple chocolate chip protein bar for din-din, now that I’m back home. 90 calories and 285 grams of protein. Now off to get some more fitness on at my 7pm Zumba class.

RockingIT ReginaRny(6:52pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny is at Workout World. “Get ‘er done”.

RockingIT ReginaRny(9:42pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny shared her stats from Fitbit. “WTG, Me!!! 3000 ounces of water, 517 calories eaten, 9,817 calories burned for the day. I REALLY find it helpful to log my food, water and fitness. While I did great with protein, I probably didn’t need the freaking 8 carbs I ate today. Tomorrow, I’ll do better!!!  But I’ve got this!!! EVERYONE who’s had to battle OBESITY, should have weight loss surgery, though. Goin to bed.” #winning #fitnessqueen #justsaynotocarbs

RockingIT ReginaRny(9:47pm)  RockingIT ReginaRny posted a picture on Instagram. “Me in my super cute, size girls 14-16 jammies from Target. Unfortunately the waist band is rubbing against my tummy. Which is HUGE. I am so FAT!!! Tomorrow I start 5DPT. Anyone wanna join me? Gonna cry myself to sleep. #wlswarriors #nevergiveup

Okay, first off, Don’t EVEN think about it. That is, that you’re going to write off what I’m trying to say, in finding fault with my own weight loss surgery “journey”. Or me as a person. Because you recognized a “BBB” trait. Don’t go there. Well, you can. But at the end of the day, when those who have nothing better to do than try to find fault with someone who is trying to help you see the importance of balance, you aren’t going to hurt me. I know what I am and what I’m not.Telling me I am jealous, fat, wordy, CRAZY, weight loss surgery fat failure bitch, is something I’ve heard about eleventeen bazillion times.

For those who thinks stuff like that hurts me, let alone is TRUE, well you are WRONG. And you are gonna have to reach a little harder or use a little more creativity, to hurt me.

I am not mocking any of you, if you bristle because you recognize your “BBB”. What I’m trying to do is HELP. As the point I’m trying to make, is that, I understand the duality if not the mixed complex feelings that a bariatric surgical post operative goes through. The point I’m trying to make is that very few people can find some balance, when almost all their thoughts and everything they say is weight or food related. I’m not speaking in absolutes. I’m not saying this is a problem for ALL weight loss surgery peeps, just for quite a few of them.

There are those in the weight loss surgery community, who are able to successfully pull off, personally and professionally having a single minded focus on weight loss, fitness and what foods they eat. The problem is that most weight loss surgery post operatives, cannot do this, without it causing a lot of problems for themselves. As well as others, most of the time. The who can, are few and far between.

The concern I have with the “Reginas” and/or those who have “Bariatric Bipolar/Borderline” is there is NO balance. There has to be a better measure of success, post weight loss surgery than just being able to eat what’s considered healthy, exercise and keep either all or the majority of one’s weight loss , off.

One of the major factors with all of this, is the rapid weight loss. Note, I said rapid, I DID NOT say EASY. I’ve seen thousands of before and afters. I get where the confusion about identity, physically and emotionally, post weight loss surgery, as some people DO look like completely different people, after weight loss surgery. And they don’t recognize, because sometimes their exteriors, they ACTUALLY look like different people. And in their fear of becoming fat again, they think taking a single minded approach to everything being related to them keeping their weight off, is the only way that they will become physically healthier.

But it’s at an enormous expense, when we define people by weight only. Whether within ourselves or in others. If we don’t start to try and encourage BALANCE, in the weight loss surgery communities, all generations of weight loss surgery post operatives are continually going to go through the same cycles that are negative to their mental health.

And if you don’t have mental fitness and BALANCE, it won’t matter, at least emotionally/mentally if how much weight you keep off or how physically fit, you become.

The best way you can help yourself and/or others in the weight loss surgery communities, is first, realize this is a problem, for quite a few in the community. Then realizing either by peer support, therapy, or within yourself, finding out what your particular barriers are, to finding balance, as a weight loss surgery post operative. Then making a vow to find balance by finding people, hobbies and causes that are NOT weight related.

I did a mental exercise, a few days ago, with my weight loss surgery peeps in a private group that I belong to on Facebook. I dared them to find FIVE qualities about themselves that they liked that had NOTHING to do with weight. The sad thing is, a lot of people really struggled with that. Whether they were a weight loss surgery pre-operative to a long term weight loss surgery post operative.

I am challenging, if you are weight loss surgery peep (or even if you’re not), either pre-op or post op, to do the same mental exercise of finding 5 positive qualities about yourself, that you have that have nothing to do with weight or weight loss. If you want to put them in the comments, feel free. And I’m not judging anyone with this particular blog or if you struggled trying to do this and admit it.

The the primary reason why I’m writing this, is that if you don’t have balance, mental agility and mental fitness, and ONLY define yourself by quantitative and qualitative measure, as far as weight loss surgery being not only the best thing to happen to you, but that’s the thing that you’re most proud of, even if you don’t crash and burn, which a lot of weight loss surgery people, do, because they don’t understand the importance of NOT having your weight/weight loss be the most defining thing about you, it will be harder for you (and those around you) to really enjoy life, in a meaningful way.

It’s not going to hurt me, AT ALL, if you choose to disregard this or not see this as a problem. I own my own issues. While there’s a lot of things that I’m insecure about, I am secure in the roles that I play in the weight loss surgery community to give support and get it, as well as ANYTHING I choose to do activism for.

And I’ll be damned, if I let anyone define what my legacy as a person is going to be. It’s not going to be defined by how much I weigh or my disabilities, and that’s something I’m personally committed to.

Now, I want to know what you are personally committed to, as far as growth, personally and/or professionally, if you are a weight loss surgery peep, that has NOTHING to do with your EXTERIOR.

Note: Same rules apply. I always welcome lively debate. I will not post any comments that triggering or disrespectful. I’m not saying that anyone is bad for being happy for losing weight. I am saying it’s bad for you and/or others, if that’s only thing you can define yourself by.

A Mental Health Activist’s Moral Dilemma ……

Disclaimer: NOTHING that I say or anyone on the internet should replace in person intervention, for people in crisis. If you or someone you observe, is in medical or mental health CRISIS, please call 911 and/or seek emergency treatment from a clinically trained professional and/or acute care facility. IMMEDIATELY…….

I don’t go online on Fridays. It bears repeating, because while I have not missed one “Facebook Hoax” post, I managed to miss the following in the news, when I was offline. The following link below just showed up in my newsfeed.

FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!

What I want to say as a person, sometimes varies quite drastically is DIFFERENT, than what I have as a responsibility, as a Mental Health activist. Or a Human Rights Activist, which identify more, now as.

My very first thought was, would this man be alive if he would’ve been black? And to my horror, truthfully most of us would think, NO. Including myself.

I have nothing though, but the utmost respect for law enforcement officers, for the most part, OVERALL.  Especially in the Twin Cities, where I live. My fear with the tensions being high on matters such as race, as I’ve said in my #blurredlines  blog is that the biggest threat to a black person’s life is by another black person, statistically. Not a police officer. I’m not discounting prejudice though that black people face on a daily basis. I’m also  NOT saying there isn’t bad police officers, because there is. I just have an ability to see more than one side, because I’m in the minority, where I live. As well as what my life experiences have taught me.

My concern about this is multi-fold. Whether innocent people are actually dying or being put on trial by social media. Regardless of color, mental health barriers and profession.  And whether or not more law enforcement officers are going to die, because sometimes, they literally have a matter of seconds on making a decision, that’s a matter of life or/death for them or someone else and more police officers will die, if they have to over analyze a decision that they are faced with on a daily basis.

My FIRST reaction was not as an activist. Whether it be race or mental health.  It was “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS MAN THINKING???”. “Does he realize how bad race and police tensions are RIGHT now???”

I, as a person with my own barriers, may believe one thing. But what I learned is that I have to,  as an activist, really hope that he did NOT know any better then the limitations that his own mental health illness, caused him to do an irrational act without thinking of ALL the consequences. Not only for himself. But for other people. I have been guilty of doing this. As it applies to  my OWN  life. But not a matter of life or death consequences for ANYONE else. Or where anyone else was physically harmed.

That’s where the moral dilemma comes in. In my Mental Health activism. I, somewhat, hit a wall, in those who have mental health issues that are a matter of life and death, not ONLY for themselves but for OTHERS.

I will write another blog specific to what I think in the most basic terms, of possible solutions that we need to entertain as a society when dealing with those who kill. Whether it’s impulsively or great consideration of planning was utilized. I’d rather NOT  be doing this, but until I see a major initiative by clinical professionals, I have to DO something.

AND we can’t wait any longer to do interventions on people, regardless of their barriers, who don’t realize that EVERYONE has the right to a peaceful enjoyment of one’s life. That NO ONE has the right to take that away from another. That while people’s mental illness can cause the loss of their OWN life, it cannot lead to a loss of ANOTHER person’s life. I have to admit, that I DO NOT want to be the mental health activist who saves the life of someone who decides NOT to commit suicide for them to kill another human being.

But sometimes as humans, the peaceful, has come later, we have to prevent all these senseless murders from happening, before going any further….. NOW!!!

Because how many more people have to die, until we do something about this???

Note: Hateful comments will not be published. I know the difference and can handle constructive criticism. Destructive criticism, feel free to do what other haters do and find my personal email address…

Ghosts of New Year’s Eves, Past………………..


This New Year’s Eve of 2014, I’m trying to make my peace that my past will ALWAYS be a part of my present and future. It can’t be avoided, when someone has the long term and short term memory issues, that I do, as well as some of my other complex disabilities.

22 years ago, I remember spending New Years Eve of 1992 with my son, who was a beautiful easy baby at 2 1/2 months old. I had moved in shortly with my parents, before he was born, and we were set to move into a condominium that I was going to rent, nearby on January 1st, 1993.

Five years ago, on New Year’s Eve of 2009, I was spending what would be the last night of my being in the mental health system for almost 17 months. And was getting ready to move into the same condominium complex that I had moved in, 17 years, earlier. But by myself. But I had hope that I’d get my kids back in 2010. I don’t have the same hope, anymore.

I don’t know whether or not it’s better for me to look at myself and my life’s circumstances and looking at that I’ve always been the same girl but with different skill sets or if I’ve changed, with my extenuating circumstances.

For most people, it’s not good to be stuck in the past. But in my case, that’s where the precious memories are of my children. While I’m grateful that everyone I love the most is still alive, and it’s NOTHING short of a miracle, that I still am, it doesn’t make any less bittersweet, if not heartbroken, that I don’t have so many precious memories of them, any more.

But I have to constantly stay in the past, to remember the precious few that I have, because it’s a lot of work to retain what I have. But I have created a present and future, while small, will NEVER be like it was from mid 2008 to the very end of 2009.

So, for all that I’ll be grateful. But there will always be a part of me, that wants to go back, do it all over. But honestly don’t know at this point, what I could have changed in my past, that would’ve allowed me a present and a future, that I had been reflecting on, like I did on New Year’s Eve of 2003, when it was just the 3 of us and I was so grateful for what I had and what we were to each other.

So while I know I’m lucky to be alive, to have those I love the most, still alive, I’m ALWAYS going to be stuck on my precious ghosts of memories and abilities of my past.

Wishing you and yours, a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2015……..   Peace….

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