It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for December, 2014

Oh the humanity……

Ok, so earlier today, on 12/30/2014, a 29 year old woman who had a concealed permit and a gun, when shopping  at a Walmart in Idaho, her 2 year old got in her purse and the gun misfired, accidentally killing her, when shopping with 4 children.

So this “story” now has trended on social media for a couple of hours. It’s not only though a news story, it’s now made her a poster child for those who believe in stricter gun control laws.

Let’s get something straight, here. Ok? The only thing we know, is in the above 1st paragraph, about this woman. While people can be grateful that that there was no more further loss of life, especially given the fact a 2 year old got a hold of a gun, that doesn’t mean she deserved to die for that reason.

This young woman was someone’s mother and wife.  Possibly someone’s daughter, sister and friend. And she’s left behind now, children who will NEVER know her, but now has a legacy, quite unfairly, on the day of her death, as an irresponsible idiot who could’ve risked other people’s lives, including children.

Guess what???  EVERYONE has done something stupid that could have had the potential to accidentally and tragically, very innocently, kill another innocent person, whether it be a stranger or someone you love, whether a child or an adult.

Instead of making judgments on a young dead mother to promote some kind of agenda or to make oneself feel superior and smarter, how about having compassion and not being so quick to judge!!!!

Just keep in mind, while social media and the internet, gives everyone the ability to share their opinions and judgments, what if this woman was your mother, daughter,sister or friend? How would you feel about that going viral and so many people passing judgment on YOUR loved one????

Rest in Peace, Veronica. My thoughts are with you, your family and friends.

“Master Hater Baiters”…..



I’m actually kind of in AWE of the disproportionate amount of hate, I get for the amount of hits on my blog or what I say on Facebook (as most of my posts are public) and the little that I’m on Twitter.

But when I get 2 separate and anonymous hateful emails calling me out on my disabilities on blog that’s ONLY been read 4 times, all being referred from Facebook, in the last 6 hours, it’s time for a reminder.

IF you think and maybe you’re right, that there’s subjects I shouldn’t tackle, such as weight issues or serious mental health issues and YOU can do a better job or make a point, both clearer and faster, you’re more than welcome to try. I, ACTUALLY  wish you would.

BUT….. I’m not going to wait too long, anymore, to tackle subjects I feel that are important and no one wants to talk about them. HOWEVER…..I am not a masochist, I get told 10 to1, that I help more than I hurt, that’s why I continue to do the activism that I do. My memory issues which are irreversible, isn’t  gonna get any better. So there’s really NO point telling me to stop writing, until I can concisely do so.

BECAUSE,  I used to be FUCKING brilliant (like, seriously brilliant, like MENSA material) , in addition to having all the time the world, I’ve noticed when I’ve gotten anonymous hate from “Facebook Frenemies”. I can pick up on certain nuances and/or communication styles of people that I have social media connections, to.

I’m kinda like a demented Santa Claus who has somewhat an idea for those who do have a social media connection to me, only, because they get some kind of perverse satisfaction, in their thoughts  that my life is crappier than theirs. That makes them wrong, not just on one account. Because anyone who derives pleasure by cowardly sending anonymous hateful words, has a life I definitely DO NOT envy.

And depending on what they hate me for, dictates whether or not they remain a connection. But not only do I find them not enviable, I kinda find them on the entertaining side. So they really are EPICALLY FAILING in trying to hurt my feelings.

So this is again, reminding those, who go out of their way to hate on me, by putting vague words in a subject matter that could be construed as someone who might possibly needs help, that while I have all day to fight with some stranger (or someone I might know) on the internet, that I choose not to. That I’ve been bullied for over 40 years now, there’s nothing anyone on the internet could say to me, that would BREAK me. If my past circumstances DID NOT, NOTHING could, at this point. But I’m definitely more than capable of defending myself, need be.

Again, it’s by conscious choice that I’m kind and empathetic. I don’t  identify as being “nice”. And while I have references for being a kind and funny ole soul, I also have references for being a vile bitch who can eviscerate people with words. It’s true in the expression “Damaged people ARE Dangerous, because they know they can Survive”….  While 99.5% of the time, I won’t waste “all the time in the world” that I have, in engaging with those who don’t have my best interests at heart, on rare occasion, I do.

I don’t do anything else, though. Other than reading briefly the hate, I get, I don’t do anything else, other than writing a blog.

BUT…. Better you pick on me, than someone else, who might be vulnerable. And who you might actually hurt.

IF you’re that fucking devoid of a soul and a life.

AND, I’ll leave it to the discretion of the reader of who’s actually the “Master Hater Baiter”…. The blogger with complex disabilities  who tackles controversial subjects and tries to do so with integrity and their identity attached to it or a fucking cowardly intentionally cruel HATER…..

Later, Gators………

How can we can PREVENT murder/suicides???…………

Note/Disclaimer: Nothing I say should be taken in lieu of medical/mental health evaluation and treatment. If in crisis, PLEASE seek treatment immediately, from a professional or go to your closest hospital. If someone you love, care about or just know casually,  is in crisis, please seek support and or intervention services from a professional, immediately.

There’s been been a recurring theme in my blogs. Some of them are personal and are regarding my own medical, neurological and  mental health issues. However, there’s also been a recurring theme in my blogs as far as public safety and the subject of murder/suicides. That we need initiatives and services to be in place for this to get attention and need for services for intervention and prevention.

And in a society where there is so many activists who like myself who are trying to trying to reduce the amount of suicides by removing stigma, but not a lot is written by activists in the prevention of murder/suicides and what little is written by psychiatric professionals is depressing on how much we can do for prevention. My fear in dedicating a blog about this topic is numerous. While I’ve never been violent and I’m not prone to rage, the education I got in dealing with severely mentally ill people who are prone to being violent was as a PATIENT in the mental health system. And seeing in both those who had a propensity to be violent and those who didn’t, of  just how difficult it is to try and rationalize with someone whether they can help it or not, lives in such a distorted reality because of distortion in their thought processes. Whether it has a medical or mental health foundation or combination, there of.

So, my attempt in trying to raise awareness, while I’m fully aware of my own barriers, it’s still scary to do this. I am just at the point where if NO ONE else is going to say something, I can’t just can’t remain silent, any longer. In the articles that I did research on the topic of murder/suicide largely was written about patients who suffer from paranoia, hallucinations and delusions. Regardless of socio-economic factors in the patients. As people who are capable of violent crime come from all socio-economic, religious, race, sexual preference and gender backrounds.

And my “education” taught me that if anything, you can’t ration with irrational people. While the last thing I want to do as a mental health activist  is stigmatize mental illness, further, than it already is. While not all mentally ill people are capable of violence, those who are violent ARE mentally ill. Well adjusted and/or mentally balanced  people just don’t go around killing others and themselves. What’s even more scarier and why I’m specific to murder/suicides is that, it’s not unlike dealing with terrorists. You are dealing with violent and irrational people who are NOT afraid to die for their horrific irrational cause. So they to an extent, have less to lose, then someone who at least values their own lives, but not others, but just think there will be no consequences to their crimes. Whether they are delusional or NOT.

Given my activism/advocacy as a long term weight loss surgery patient and size acceptance advocate, there’s not much about Obesity that doesn’t make it on my radar. But I think that even if I didn’t have an interest in weight matters, it’s still a topic as a nation we are obsessed with finding treatment and cures for.If one is so inclined, there’s at least 100 times the amount of awareness for the prevention and treatment of Obesity vs. prevention and treatment of victims of violent crimes/murders and those who commit suicide after the fact.

But meanwhile innocent people get killed on a daily basis now just by going to work, going to school, going shopping or in cases of domestic violence that escalates and as well as many other factors,  all to the point of NO return and a body count.

This is not the blog where I choose to debate gun control. But I’ll admit that my opinion on gun control has changed. Guns don’t kill people, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE. People kill people with their bare hands. If they can’t access a gun, they can use the internet and figure out how to build a bomb. Gun control only gives people a false sense of security, at best, because if there is a will to do fatal harm in someone, someone who’s capable of murder, will figure out a way. Whether they have access easily to a gun or not. It’s not realistic to think we can eradicate guns. And if someone isn’t afraid to kill with a gun, they certainly aren’t afraid of to illegally obtain one.

Not everyone who kills someone is paranoid, delusional and suffering from hallucinations, even though that has been the case in some  murder/suicides, as of late. While it’s a tragedy when it happens to anyone who’s murdered, it’s more horrifying, in such as the case of the police officers who’ve been murdered in the last week and half. Who lose their lives when trying to protect innocent others (please don’t get me wrong, I think all murders are horrific, as well as the many ways people die. But this is a blog that’s addressing deaths due to murder/suicide) and I do think that police officers who risk their lives every day, to protect ours, definitely are due, specific and special mentioning.

The biggest thing that we as a society need to acknowledge what kills other people is RAGE. Whether someone is prone to being enraged as their “normal” or a set of bad circumstances leads someone to snap and even though they have no prior history of violence or mental illness, they end up killing others and sometimes themselves. I care about all these senseless murders, just like most people with a conscience who aren’t capable of violent harm, do.  Whether it’s a police officer who loses his life in the line of duty. Whether it’s a child who’s murdered by a parent during an ugly custody battle.Or a significant other who kills an ex, due a loss of a relationship. Or a person loses their life to a disgruntled ex-employee who shoots up their workplace. Or someone shoots kids and teachers in a school.

This CANNOT continue to be our norm. Nor can anyone of us, wait to care about this happening on a daily basis until it’s home, either literally or figuratively speaking. And we have to stop giving attention to those who do kill. In the mind of someone who has the propensity to be kill others, they have an irrational belief due to the attention we give murderers, that they are doing something outstanding and amazing because they’ve lost touch with all reality and can’t distinguish that life isn’t a movie or a video game. Or whatever reward they are seeking for their horrific violent and tragic acts. We ONLY should be giving attention to victims of these horrible crimes, not the murderers. Whether the murderers are alive OR dead.

What’s the solution then? Maybe, it would help by developing a consortium of top  medical, mental health professionals and non clinical professionals who are activists in working together to come up with multiple individual  patient tailored approaches to dealing with those who have the propensity to be violent. To have services in place for awareness for  starting when kids are young in schools, to dealing with this in workplaces and in society for children to adults, on how to deal constructively with feelings of anger and rage. And having specially trained people who can deal with the many people who are prone to rage but their own barriers prevent them in seeing that in themselves. To have available services and treatment options that are available that  will not penalize someone who finally recognizes that they are a threat to others and themselves of getting treatment for this, IF they get help before they harm someone. Of redirecting the negative energy it takes to execute acts of violence and creating programs that generate that effort into something positive and rewarding it, if it takes that to save lives. Which could be giving positive attention we give to those who have violent tendencies and are successfully rehabilitated. Without any stigmatization, if no one is harmed.

While this is something I’m passionate about at this point, my own barriers prevent me from doing something on my own in a major way, other than bringing attention that we need to do something NOW about this. But I am open to hearing ideas from others on what’s needed to get a major initiative in preventing murder/suicides from happening. And being part of a solution.Or if you know of major initiatives already in place,please let me know in the comment section of the blog.


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Pictures on the top, taken on my 45th birthday/12/2/2014.  Picture on the bottom taken 12/10/2014

“Everything that KILLS me, make me feel ALIVE”

I had started a blog, yesterday, that I thought eloquently would tie in why I share the health beliefs that I do, both medical and mental health. About weight issues and body diversity. From an activist point of view. I decided to make this blog though, personal. The title of this blog, is not a typo. I’ll explain as I go along.

I had decided after showing signs that I was possibly headed for having a stroke to finally quit smoking (I have low to normal blood pressure, NOW, ONLY because I am now a heavy smoker, in the last 2 years) but prior to that, even though I’ve been a smoker and borderline “morbidly obese”, at my heaviest, have always had low blood pressure. I had orthostatic pulmonary HYPOtension after my gastric bypass both at my thinnest and heaviest until my reversal. I’ve never had one health issue that’s considered a “co-morbidity of Obesity”.

Tomorrow is my quit date for smoking. I’m allowing myself to smoke cigarettes until the end of tonight. But no more smoking cigarettes after that. I purchased a vaping pipe with menthol flavored liquid with NO nicotine, on my 45th birthday, 2 weeks ago. Ideally, I’d like to be both tobacco AND nicotine free.

BUT…. Make NO mistake about it, I am NOT quitting smoking for my “health”. While I don’t try to be inherently “unhealthy” medically or mentally, I’ve been way too broken, for way too long, to do anything that’s health dictated. I just don’t want to end up, as gut instinct tells me, someone who’s in imminent danger of stroking out and being in a nursing home, by the time I turn 46. If you’ve read other blogs of mine, it’s understandable, why my freedom of choice is so important, as well as my ability to remain living independently.

As many things I talk about in my blog that are horribly painful about what played a part in my being so broken, there are certain things, I can’t or choose NOT to say, because I have a responsibility as an activist, while not to be an example, but have to be super sensitive to my reader base, that I don’t trigger anyone.

However, I’m finding that people are finding and reading my blog, because they are fat haters and are looking for someone, I’m thinking to pick on, as I do have keywords such as “fat activism” that fat hater trolls use to pick on size acceptance/fat acceptance bloggers.

What’s shocking me, is that while I’ve gotten a little bit of hate from those trolls, they aren’t bothering me very much and I don’t know if I should even be offended by that.

I’ve never done anything that’s been driven by the desire to be in good health. It’s not shocking, that I don’t have a high sense of self esteem, given everything I’ve been through. I’ve been bullied for weight and looks issues from the time I was in preschool to current times. At the same time, I’ve never purposely made myself sick, to get attention.

While I love my weight loss surgery peeps, I do shock them by saying that my gastric bypass was not driven by health, either. I  hated myself being fat and ugly, in a world that’s hated me for being fat and ugly. However, I was no more well received when I was thin. And while at my thinnest and fittest, I had loved exercise and that was a healthy coping mechanism, I stuck with it because I got endorphin highs and because I did enjoy being thin (most of it), although I did pay dearly for thin privilege.

I go into more detail about my issues with body dysmorphia, In what is kind of sadly, in what I think is the best blog I’ve ever written. It also has pics at my heaviest both before and after my gastric bypass. While I don’t care so much about that, given what’s said in my anonymous hate mail, quite of few of you, actually do.

This is my 52nd blog that I’ve NOW written. I’ve gone in pretty good detail why I feel the way I do about weight matters,anti-bullying and the medical and mental health advocacy I’ve tried to accomplish.

But if I am going to be an ethical activist, I have to admit my struggles with certain things. While I passionately advocate for size acceptance, I’m terrified of when trying to quit smoking, that I’ll gain weight. I admit that I’ve been trying to lose weight (and I have, but I weight cycle a lot) , even though I’ve had to make my peace with the fact, that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever be be thin again.

I picked up smoking at the age of 15. I picked up smoking, of course, to lose weight. I picked up bulimia after my pregnancy with my son, at the age 22,  when I had no choice, due to hyperemesis of pregnancy, that while I didn’t purposely make myself throw up when pregnant, I found it was something I could do, even if I didn’t become thin from it, to be less fat, after my son was born (because I had hyperemesis with both kids, for my entire pregnancies, not only did I not gain weight, I lost weight when pregnant).

I find it kind of nauseating though that we live in a society that seems to be so preoccupied with medical health and weight, that it really doesn’t boil down to that, in the digital age. Because the only measure of successful health is based upon what one looks like and what one weighs. And how good someone looks in pictures, regardless of their age.

This is my point of view of all the people claiming to care about their and other’s health.  And my health.  It’s none of your fucking business. And most certainly not for anyone to judge. It’s one thing to be concerned about medical and mental health health issues in others that can effect quality of life, if not rob people of life. But all the so called concern I see, is hurting people, more than it’s helping. Especially as it applies to weight.

We would be a lot better off in society off not gauging or making harsh judgments on any person, for any reason, based up what they look like in a picture or what they look like in society. And concentrating on what we can do to be in our own best health, instead of criticizing judgments about other’s health. This is why I titled “Hellthy”. Because people’s “health” is a trial by fire (and social media, if not all forms of media and in our offline lives), internally and externally, fueled by too much “pretend” concern about health, that it’s becoming counterproductive.

So, hopefully, in this being what I hope as my last hour as a smoker, that I’m ready to make changes in my life,to try to make decisions and take actions to be healthier.I’m already mentally healthier. Hopefully if I can quit smoking, I’ll be healthier, physically, too.

But don’t fault me, for a failure of being capable of being to do that, so far in my life.I’m not playing victim, here, though. Just explaining the disaster that people can become, when mostly hearing what failures they are, inside and out for their whole entire lives. And unfortunately people can’t be full of self loathing for so long,  self destructive and unfortunately, not hurt others.

No matter how  unintentional it is…….

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