In loving memory of Angela Suzanne ( September 19th,1969- October 31th, 2018)…
“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch”. -Jack Thorne
There is the thirteen.
Actually, it is now, eleven.
I remember in Winter of 2010, my aunt was hospitalized suddenly, at the age of 65, it was a little over a week before my nephews b’nai mitzvah.
I had a bad feeling about her hospital admission. My Aunt, who at the age of 26 in the mid 1970’s was diagnosed late with congenital heart issues and had one of the very first pacemakers.
I remember being in a car, telling my father and son, after we left my Mom and Dad’s house, after trying on some outfits to wear to that b’nai mitzvah, at my Mom and Dad’s house that I didn’t think my Aunt, who was my Mom’s oldest sister, would come home from the hospital.
While I’m not in the slightest, psychic, I tragically was right.
She died a few days later.
One thing that stuck with me, was because in the same week there was to be a funeral and a b’nai mitzvah (my nephews who are close in age, had their bar mitzvahs at the same time) the Rabbi, said something striking.
YOU don’t cancel a simcha (a joyous gathering in Hebrew) because of a death in a family, life still goes on and it’s meant to be celebrated for the survivors, it doesn’t take away the loss the loved ones feel, but it would be remiss not to concentrate on love and happiness, even during a tragedy.
But it was tragedy to all of us, I was so devastated that G-d took her instead of me, as I would’ve died without my gastric bypass reversal in 2010, but for how sick and heartbroken that I was, that I didn’t even go to the b’nai mitzvah because my Aunt died instead.
My son and my daughter in law got married, a little less than 2 weeks after he proposed in May of 2018 on Mother’s Day weekend.
While I’m sure quite a few people though they got married in a rush, because my daughter-in-law was pregnant, that wasn’t the case.
The reason why they got married quickly, was that my son’s mother-in-law had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that had quickly spread.
Not that anyone would know from looking at her, as my daughter in law’s mother was absolutely gorgeously radiant, the day of their wedding.
Not that I would know, because I never met that wonderful woman.
Because, it had been so long since I’d seen anyone from family, other than my children,parents and and daughter in-law to be , I didn’t want to bring negative attention to myself, by attending as it been so long since I’ve seen so many of my family members, as I wanted the attention to be on the gorgeous bride and groom and the beautiful loving woman (my son’s Mother in-law to be) who with her gorgeous daughter and they looked like twins practically, planned a gorgeous wedding in less than 2 weeks.
I do not regret not attending the wedding.
I didn’t belong there for the reasons that I have stated.
I regret more than anything, however, that I never met the wonderful woman that was my son’s mother-in-law.
I never got to thank her for how wonderful she was, not only to my son, but to my daughter, as well.
As well as it saddens me to no end, that their 1st anniversary fell on the first Mother’s Day without her.
When I refer to the “thirteen” or the “eleven”, those are people I’d gladly die for.
That would be my children, my parents, my sisters, my nephews and my boyfriend.
I would’ve gladly, especially for how sick I was in 2010 and would’ve died for my Aunt Susan, who loved life, never complained and lived life to the fullest, with a zest and was so fun loving.
Angela Suzanne, my daughter in-law’s mother who I never met, was an amazingly wonderful loving mother. She was a loving daughter, mother, mother in-law, sister, aunt and friend. She was a hard worker and while she was many good things, the most she treasured was being a mother, and her love just didn’t extend to pride about how wonderful her daughter was, but my son, as well.
And if I could’ve died her in place, I would’ve as well.
She should’ve had the opportunity to be the wonderful loving grandmother that she would’ve been.
She should’ve seen my daughter-in-law turn 21.
She should’ve not had to fight so hard to stay alive and die a horribly brutal and painful death, which was hastened by how hard she fought and the treatments she sought so willingly to buy time to spend with those she loved the most, even though they made her so sick.
Truthfully, I have not seen my daughter in-law since her mom passed.
Because I’m terrified, as I don’t possess the loving wisdom that her Mom, did that could bring her in any comfort.
And I’ll never have the right words to explain the travesty that was her Mom’s disease and her death and how heartbroken I am for them.
And because we don’t get to choose on who’s place we take when death comes, there isn’t anything I can or do, to show how sorry I am, for the biggest loss any young woman has to bear, when tragically losing the mother she loved so much, who fought so hard to stay alive, for her.
As well as the horrific loss that the rest of her family has and is feeling.
The only thing that brings me a tiny bit of comfort is that she raised so lovingly a wonderful daughter and that everyone who knew Angela, was better for it.
But, I can’t stop thinking of my future grandchildren, even though they will live on being a part of her, should’ve had the amazing wonderful blessing that having her as a grandmother, would’ve brought them.
That my daughter in-law, as well as her entire family should’ve had more time, with that wonderful amazing woman.
The only thing I can do and I will, going forward, is raise money and awareness for metastatic breast cancer, in addition to the other medical activism that I do. .
Until, there is a cure and if not, better and less invasive treatment options that don’t cause side effects that are almost just as bad as the disease itself, when it comes to metastatic breast cancer.
I turn 50, in a little over 2 months. What I am hoping for, is to raise as much money as possible for the American Cancer Society.
In hopes that while Angela Suzanne didn’t live to see 50, that other mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandchildren and friends will be able to see their loved ones turn 50, if not for those who die younger, as well as love on their future grandchildren, if not their actual kids, that they should’ve lived to see, grow.
If not older, than longer than they should’ve had.