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Archive for the ‘Domestic Violence’ Category

“Why didn’t you fight back?!?” #MeToo #WhyIDidntFightBack

Sigh…

I really didn’t want to write this blog. I figured my last blog, I’d do the topic justice regarding rape and sexual harassment and why people don’t come forward to report sexual harassment and rape, regardless of socio-economics, gender and ages of the perpetrators, among many other factors.

I figured I’d do what I can, to help others and then be able to walk away.

Shortly after I published my blog, the ONLY hateful thing I got about what I wrote, was someone, insinuating that it would’ve been “unlikely” for me to be a rape victim and asking me to define, what I  “defined”  as rape.

Which relcutantly I did, by additionally adding a clarification, on my last blog. It wasn’t to help myself. It was with great trepidation, as I explained that both my parents and my children are on the internet, including my teenage daughter, who has NO idea that this has happened to me. And NO ONE had known all the details, the VERY little I’ve talked about this both in my personal life and the little I’ve brought up, as an a activist/blogger.

I’ve seen though enough misguided dialogue on social media and the media in general,that I will explain a few things about how not only is it insensitive at best, but at worst, it re-victimizes victims of rape and sexual harassment when it’s questioned and debated ad nauseum, why they don’t fight back.

Let alone say anything at all, and maybe this will add necessary feedback to what’s needed in the dialogue of prevention of rape and sexual harassment, as well as making it a safer society for victims to come forward.

When I was raped in January of 1996, I didn’t fight back, because while I was very heavy, my rapist had 40 lbs on me and also had said he wouldn’t hurt me if I didn’t.

He also had an established career in the MILITARY (I’m not demonizing his profession in any way, other than it was why I didn’t feel it would’ve been worth the risk to fight back).

I had a young child, to think of. Who then, I couldn’t be his mother, if I was DEAD. I didn’t trust the fact he said he wouldn’t hurt me physically, because for one, he already had and while I was seriously violated physically and emotionally, I at least didn’t increase my odds, of unrecoverable physical injury or death, which I’m not blaming those who do fight back and seriously hurt, if not killed, (of course,if it prevents rape and assault, I’m grateful that was that person’s result)  it’s just my mindset at the time, was I had to survive this and go on with my life, in hopes that I could at least walk away from this.

I’ve seen since my experience in the mental health system, people though who are 90 lbs be able to beat the crap out of someone’s a foot taller and 100 lbs more than them, due to RAGE.

So all I have to add at this point, while the dialogue that’s happening is SO necessary, be VERY careful on what people say either clearly or insinuate, of why others should’ve fought back or that if they were in that situation that they would’ve, is extremely HARMFUL.

For more than one reason, as I’ve tried to highlight.

I can’t speak for everyone who’s been a victim and/or would rather consider themselves just a survivor of rape and sexual harassment, of why they didn’t fight back and or what their triggers going forward, are.  I can only speak for myself. Only they can tell you their stories and hopefully they will be listened to, with sensitivity and their physical and emotional safety, going forward.

But I’d ask, for those who’ve NOT experienced any type of rape, physical assault or harassment, aren’t a clinically trained professional and/or law enforcement professional who hasn’t worked with victims, of choosing words carefully when you question any aspect of an assault, no matter what the circumstances ARE.

Especially, especially, ESPECIALLY, when it comes to “Why didn’t you fight back?!?!”

Note: I’m pubishing this blog, with great tredpidation, in hopes it helps others. I do the activism that I do, to help other people. I’m not saying I’m better or worse than anyone, in my case, where with my disability sets, I don’t monetize anything that I do, nor do I crave being in the spotlight in any way.

I feel strongly enough, that it’s worth for me to try to help others by chiming in this dialogue, to risk attention, this way. I’m only doing so, because I truly believe it can help other people.

I’m also making it clear, with like most of my blogs, any comment that’s not constructive and respectful, will NOT be published. Thanks!!!

Edit/Additional Note: When I created #WhyIDidntFightBack, it was to open the door of giving victims/survivors a means of telling their stories, not being able to forecast of how many people will read this blog.

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How many more CHILDREN have to be MURDERED, by their PARENT/S before we try to do something about it???

Note: I’m NOT  a clinically trained professional. In ANY capacity either medically or mentally.  I can’t stress ENOUGH, that if YOU or anyone you know is capable of causing mental or physical harm or death in another, please seek out help from clinically trained professionals and law enforcement, IMMEDIATELY.

Update: 12 hours after I wrote the following, the 911 tape was released where the father admitted to killing his children but letting his wife live to “let her suffer like he has”.
It doesn’t change the need for dialogue about these horrific tragedies and a need for prevention, that’s why I’m not altering in any other way, this particular blog.

I’ve taken a break, obviously from writing about serious matters that mean a lot to me. The reasons don’t matter as much as what I’ve tried to say in the past about homicides  and suicides and their causes and then just reading about ANOTHER one, a few minutes ago.

I was having a  fairly low key weekend for me and while that doesn’t matter from what I’m trying to address in this blog, it matters because I wish I didn’t have to come back as a medical and mental health activist to write a blog about ANOTHER parent killing his children, whether or not when he shot his wife, IF it was an attempt to kill her, which I’m not sure that’s the case, because he made sure his 16 year old twins died and then killed himself, in Illinois, this weekend on Friday.

This is NOT a gender specific blog when it comes to parental murder/suicides . Mothers do kill their children, too. In similar circumstances and for different reasons.

I’m not a clinically trained professional in matters of medical and mental health reasons. If you haven’t ever read a blog written before about me, I’m ALL  about trying to remove stigma, especially as a mother who’s had mental health issues that had consequences on my children, not intentionally, violently or chaotically  or even irrovocably, but it still happened anyways.

Unfortunately, people snap more violently and with irreovocable and tragic consequences in these instances, which are becoming more and more common about a parent/s killing their child or children, the other parent, when going through the ending of a relationship, even if there wasn’t a past history of abuse by that parent, either with their children or their spouse.

And that’s exactly what this blog is about. To start a dialogue to remove stigma to see if there is ANY chance on preventing this from happening over and over again.

While I’m not in a position to give end of relationship advice or parenting advice, I wish that my thinking “Love your children more than HATING their other parent” would work.

Unfortunately, that isn’t probably going to work. And I’m not concentrating in this case, about domestic assault from one partner to another. Not that doesn’t break my heart either, when it comes to adults finding that their love of their loves pose the greatest threat to not only their physical and mental health well being, but their lives.

And for as many resources that are in place for discussion, for resources for the battered physically and emotionally, as well as those who are killed whether they stay or leave their batterer and obviously there’s more need for support for that, too.

It’s obvious we just have a lot more work to do, as a society, as it’s becoming more commonplace for batters to not just kill their partner or the other parent, but to punish in their warped minds, of killing their own children as retribution, if there isn’t multiple reasons that they do that, which I’m sure there is.

But IF there is NO  previous history of battering or domestic violence in deaths of these nature and/or IF there IS, and there IS initiatives to prevent these or start a dialogue about them, we need to know.

And we need to talk about this. NOW. And do something to try and prevent these horrific senseless tragedies from happening, more often, by having major initiatives in place, for prevention of children now being murdered by their parents, during a marital/relationship breakup.

If I’m missing something as a disabled activist, please help me and others by sharing the initiatives that are already in place for evaluation, treatment and help for these families.

IF,  a parent who actually mentally went through a dark period where this was a potential issue for them but somehow, was able to realize the potential of the irrovocable  horrific consequences to their children who loved them the most , but were planning on harming them, but got help or got better someway, maybe they could talk about this, without being stigmatized, to give society, both just regular people and professionals on the mindset that happens in these tragedies but before they happen.

And insight on how, if in ANY way to prevent these from happening, over and over again.

This actually did happen in Minnesota, where I reside, in an upscale suburb in Fall of 2015. Where an upscale business man shot and killed his children, then his wife, before killing himself. I didn’t say anything, because, like today, I still don’t have the right words that can help. I’m only limited as a disabled activist in bringing attention to matters like this. And only to a certain extent.

As much as I hate as a human being, to read of these stories, I can’t imagine what it’s like for these families to die by a parent and that’s their LAST thought, as they take their LAST breaths. I can’t imagine what it’s like for the other parent, knowing that their children are going to die, they may die, they can’t do anything to prevent or protect  or what to me is almost worse, they will live, knowing that their signficant other did this to punish them in the worst way possible that goes beyond the scopes of any and most people’s imagination and worst nightmares.

I hope we can find a way as a society to prevent ANY and ALL domestic violence, as well as deaths. We have a lot of work to do but the best way to start, is NOT to pretend this isn’t happening because it’s just too horrific to think about.

I appreciate any insight or any dialogue that will contribute to trying to prevent these tragedies.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their loved ones, in this horrific tragedy and the ones that proceeded.

And IF,  I’m  to be truthful, even though I do advocate for suicide prevention, I don’t have ANY empathy for people who are responsible for homicides then commit suicide.

In this case, I’m not sorry to say, I wish they would just take themselves out and leave the innocents, especially, in cases the innocents who love them more than anything but die because of them.

Also note: You can’t defend those who commit homicide, then suicide to me. Please don’t even TRY . Knock yourself out, if you want to try or feel free and send HATE to me. Better to do that to me, I can take it, I just hope someone wouldn’t be such a miserable piece of crap to do this to the loved ones who have to deal with these horrific but these cannot continue to remain “unspeakable”  tragedies, any longer, other than the news it generates, very shocking but ONLY  temporarily.

Thanks…..

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