#IGuessThisIsWhatCrazyREALLYLooksLike

Happy 8th Birthday, UnstapledLisa the blog….

Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor do I have any training in public safety and I will ALWAYS advise if a person is in crisis, is possibly in danger of hurting themselves or others of to contact emergency services and/or get in person evaluation and treatment, immediately.

Trigger Warnings: This blog discusses emotional trauma such as serious and lifelong bullying, rape and suicide to name a few, as well as other controversial topics of how divided and emotionally malignant our society is becoming and if any of that, including profanity, is a potential trigger for anyone, it’s okay to not read. I’d prefer it.

This particular blog is really truthfully for myself, but being published in hopes to help others, but for that to occur it will take patience, kindness and being open minded.



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I honestly thought I saw all that was potentially considered insanity, personally was what led up to and the 3 years after of what was exactly 13 years ago, my one and only suicide attempt and the actual repercussions and aftermath, is as bad as things could get in a first world country, with someone in my case who had a traditional middle to upper middle class upbringing.

There was NOTHING though normal about my life, I’ve been bullied by peers from preschool to current time.

I was born a food addict who didn’t feel satiated very long.

I was really smart though, shy and kind and then became funny to make up for being what society considered my fatness and my ugliness and awkward actually face, body and curly red hair in my early teens.

I learned how to verbally defend myself in my early 20’s, right around the time it became important, as a year later I had my first child who was my priority.

Almost 20 years ago right after 9/11, thinking I’d never know what it would be like to be thin, pretty and maybe a little powerful, I decided to have a gastric bypass.

I did become thin and pretty, still smart and funny and became powerful in ways that mattered the most when I found fitness in my somewhat early mid 30’s but prior to that, in the first 18 months after my gastric bypass, I moved into a nicer apartment with my son, lost the majority of my weight, had my second child but was already starting to show signs of gastric bypass complications, but I was a single mother of 2 by then, who worked full time, had a nice apartment with my kids and a nice life but even prior my gastric bypass I had an independent productive life that I was somewhat proud of and liked, I had my son, I had my family and what I thought were a few good friends even though life from my early 20’s to mid 30’s while peppered with extraordinary great things to also being peppered a few traumatic events.

The most and least talked about traumas in my 20’s was my son getting physically abused once with his mouth being washed out by soap, by his daycare provider who was my former employer once I went back to working for corporations when he was 2 1/2, which he obviously never went back to that daycare.

A year later I was raped while being fat and was double traumatized because I knew I couldn’t tell anyone because I believed NO ONE would believe me, never thinking in a newer day and age it could ever be mocked.

Then finally find my way in what I thought would be best for my kids and I, as in my early mid 30’s, I have my kids, I have a purpose professionally and personally with fitness but not wanting to be obnoxious about it, but I didn’t know that intense exercise produces some amazing endorphins in some people and I loved it enough to go to school to be a personal trainer, but in cases where weight loss wasn’t an objective even with people who were on the larger side of the spectrum thought some kind of rehabilitative form exercise could help, not knowing that 3 years later, there would be an expiration date on my body’s and mind’s ability to produce endorphins and everything else would be turned upside down.

Everything in the immediate to 17 months post suicide attempt is in my first blog that I launched on here, exactly 8 years ago.

And the title was aptly named of my first blog being “What Crazy Looks Like”.

Cause I was too sick medically and mentally to recognize too much of the outside world in 2008, by then my whole entire life had already collapsed and already felt incredibly over.

It feels like a sick joke when I try to explain sometimes to others, my entire past life whether it be how i was able to show my children how much I loved them, that I could work, drive a car, exercise that it’s been almost a third of my life that I’ve been living with not necessarily catastrophic disability but such cumbersome life limiting ones.

I knew though having to start all over from having nothing, not even the most basic of freedoms at times 13 years ago, as I was nearly institutionalized (again, another long read but that is in my 1st blog) after my suicide attempt to fight that, to then have to fight so hard to stay alive to get my gastric bypass reversed a little 2 years later, I can’t dwell on much.

I knew from the time though I went through my gastric bypass complications being more visible to the public, then just to my children and sometimes immediate family post suicide attempt and not having anyone know what it was like to go through complications that were severe and then go through the reversal process felt unchartered territory that was scary to navigate alone.

That I didn’t want that to be in vain, but more importantly I did NOT want what my children to have been put through what they were to have been in vain, that some good had to come out of it, in hopes it would lead to their healing and possibly others who could relate to my personal experiences.

I could’ve never ever thought that people could become more divided, hateful and violent.

I never ever thought a celebrity of yet to be determined amount of wealth, could run for the office of the presidency of the United States where it was rooted in revenge in motive and win.

I never ever thought a public health crisis could stoke such further divide and hate.

I’m going to though for probably the first and last time as a blogger activist share beliefs I normally don’t, it will at first sound like I’m digressing, but it’s hard to make major points, without quite a bit of context.

I’m pro-choice even though I’d never have nor would I have had an abortion.

I don’t think I’m better, obviously I failed motherhood in a major way, for those who’ve had an abortion for any reason and I’m absolutely horrified at the thought of any female being forced to have a child, in matters of stranger and/or domestic rape assault results in pregnancy, doesn’t have the means to consent or if the mother’s life is in jeopardy.

In my case though view about abortion, in the end my concern is about is mental and physical wellbeing of the mother and the child. I think outlawing abortion would lead in the end to more dead mothers and dead children and dead people, in general.

I’m pro 2nd amendment even though I’ve never owned a gun, let alone I’ve never even touched one.

I’m pro science and pro vax but also believe in people’s right to choose for themselves and keep that private but hope they realize their right to choose can’t be at the risk of someone else life.

About 9,000 words in, I’m about to make my point/s.

I have a lot of free time that I never wanted or asked for.

The world would be a lot better of a place if people could just concentrate on what they have in common versus their differences that make them operate on the offense, constantly.

That’s not something new being said, my take though is how people who have the most differences in beliefs, can behave almost identically at great detriment to others.

I don’t get in this day and age how people can confuse justice and revenge.

I don’t get either recreationally or the constant need, that’s obsessive and addictive in others, with hating other people.

There is a lot of blogs I have that identify in better detail of experiences that shaped my desire to want to help people if I can, some blogs I apologize to those I owe one and just try to do the best I can with my complex disability sets while appreciating my few but amazing and unique skill sets that can help others in crisis.

There’s an urgency I feel though that this feeling that the world is literally a dumpster fire and that people can’t recognize their own figurative blindspots, this isn’t going to get any better, this is only going to get worse for humanity and we really can’t emotionally or physically afford it.

I guess this is what crazy really looks like but unfortunately even more crazier, doesn’t have to be if people realized everyone has a right to a safe and peaceful life and acted accordingly.

Important Notes: Cause this day is more solemn to me than celebratory I’m going to add 2 important points I didn’t need a pandemic to know this. Learn comprehensively emergency first aid and have an advanced health directive that loved ones know what you’d want in a medical crisis and what your wishes ideally after death and learning first aid and writing an advance health directive is easier when you and anyone you love is not in actual crisis.

Also note for the haters of the death threat variety (I have other sucky hater varieties, too) you can’t hurt me with a threat which still will be reported and if somehow someone would actually kill me, it’s kind of the only fucking way I’d ever look like anything resembling a hero and you’ll look like and be a total evil coward loser.

Give the hate a break, that’s like the whole entire point that you’re missing!!!

Important Edit 2 hours after publishing: Others don’t understand why prior to a pandemic that I’ve pushed learning emergency first aid and have an advanced health directive where you state specifically your wishes in a medical crisis or you designate a proxy if you can’t speak on your own behalf.

In my case being certified when I could in first aid was needed professionally at times or personally such as prior to kids being a volunteer and then being a mother.

Given how complex my disability sets are, having an AHD that says in my case for the last 3 years DNR/DNI knowing that I don’t have it in me to fight for my life again is best done when not in a medical crisis and having the uncomfortable sucky conversation that my loved ones know that for example when I die, I’ve donated my body (again, my AHD/advance health directed was written in Spring of 2018 and filed a few months later with body bequeathment that will take care of remain issues and my wish that no one mourns me, (in absence of a will as I don’t have any assets to bequeath) but celebrates the love I have for those I love that makes them being okay and at peace, once I’m gone.

I guess I don’t know how it could hurt to help even if it’s just a loved one, by learning first aid and telling loved ones what you want in the event of a medical crisis or any kind of crisis.

This #holidayseason2020 the best gift you can give yourself and others is to #learnhowtosavealife …

https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/first-aid

https://www.drugabuse.gov/drug-topics/opioids/opioid-overdose-reversal-naloxone-narcan-evzio

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

http://www.suicidepreventionalifeline.org

http://www.drugfree.org

http://www.thetrevorproject.com

https://www.militaryonesource.mil/

http://www.rainn.org

https://www.redcross.org/get-help/how-to-prepare-for-emergencies/types-of-emergencies/fire

http://www.poison.org

https://unstapledlisa.wordpress.com/2020/03/30/learn-how-to-save-a-life/ (has video links for cpr and other emergency first aid)

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I am I trained in public safety.

IF you or someone you love is in crisis, possibly in danger of hurting yourself or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

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However, this blog is meant to provide valuable resources that can help others possibly save their life or another’s by providing resources for prevention.

As well as aid in recognizing possible medical and/or mental health crises by buying precious time until emergency help arrives with resources that can help others safely evaluate and treat by educating them on skills to do that.

This year has been brutal for so many, I realize that the best sometimes someone might only be capable of, is not to commit either unintentional or intentional harm but may not be in a position to help others, either.

I have gone in greater detail in other blogs of mine, of emergency first aid resources medically and mentally, the importance of talking talking about life and death issues constructively both before and after the COVID-19 era as a society and with loved ones.

I can only hope that this blog helps those who need it, as well as the acknowledgement for those who are suffering, others do care and they aren’t alone.

My thoughts and hopes of a safe and happy holiday season for those who have that as an option.

And for those where this holiday season isn’t going to be a happy one, I hope for a time of healing and hope that circumstances get better for you and I’m so sorry for your loss, whether it’s a livelihood, other adverse life circumstances and/or a loved one.

Peace ❤

An unusual solution to consider for #antimaskers who resent congregate limitations in the era of #COVID19 , as it applies to private places or places of worship…

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-automatic/202007/why-dont-people-wear-masks-during-covid-19

https://theconversation.com/the-constitution-doesnt-have-a-problem-with-mask-mandates-142335

https://youtu.be/MzGnX-MbYE4

Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical, mental health or in matters of public safety.

The reason for this blog though, unfortunately kind of negates or at least should hopefully create a civil discussion, where I usually add for those in medical or mental health crisis need to seek acute care, immediately but depending on circumstances stated in this blog of why this discussion needs to take place, NOW on alternative treatment ideas in circumstances discussed in this blog ONLY.

***

I’m grieving as an activist who wishes more than anything that people could concentrate on what unites us as humans versus what divides us.

I’m heartbroken that people for the most part, can’t agree to respectfully disagree anymore as daily events highlight tragically highlight how violent disagreements of opinion and beliefs of have escalated.

And that rights that should be fundamental to all, a right to a safe and peaceful life should extend to all human beings regardless of race, religion, profession, political beliefs, gender and sexual identification, appearance and body size regardless of how much or how little space people take up are ceasing to matter to so many.

The general election alone, because of all that, would’ve made of 2020 a terrifying year given how we divided we are not just as a nation but that division causing so much violence and loss of life.

Then add COVID-19.

I don’t necessarily believe in the meme I used for this blog.

Meaning, I don’t believe in Karma.

Too many bad things, if not catastrophic, traumatic, life threatening and life ending events happen to good people of all ages, everyday whether it’s intentional or not.

And there are others who do horrible things and never have consequences for them, ever.

The majority of the blogs that I’ve written lately in the last several years about people’s right to a safe and peaceful life.

That someone’s personal liberties shouldn’t effect that right to another’s safe and peaceful life.

In my case as it applies to novel coronavirus, I wear masks and social distance the little I get out.

I have asthma, as well as a host of other medical health issues so the amount I get out it limited, as wearing a mask makes me dizzy.

I’m not about as controversial as I’m about to get as what I’m about I’m going to state, looking to argue on here with anyone.

I do believe though at this point for how divided people are and it’s possible if not probable of some who are quite hatefully in their division are about to hate me, as well as what I have to say for those who are anti-mask, anti social distancing and that’s if one believes that novel coronavirus exists and has and will continue to kill people, if not ruin their lives should they survive.

IF people feel that strongly that COVID-19 is either a hoax or taking precautions infringes on their personal liberties, I don’t think anything I say or anyone else will change one’s mind.

I DO though believe if you feel that strongly and live your life according to those beliefs that you should do so with other like minded people in private places like homes and places of worship.

AND, I also believe you should have an advance health directive with a DNR and DNI should you get novel coronavirus get very sick and if you can’t rethink your right to believe and act without taking precautions to not be a threat to another’s life.

So that will help innocent others, if you in fact find that you might have been wrong in thinking novel coronavirus was a hoax and that precautions in public and the limitations on people congregating in private places and places of worship if one felt their civil liberties were infringed on were really not to infringe on any one.

And it’s one thing to bet one’s life on your own belief but in this case, the risk applies to innocent others when it comes to a deadly for many, airborne contagion.

I’ve had an advance health directive for over 2 years. One can find out more information about their particular state’s requirements for it by using a search engine.

Because my AHD does have a DNR/DNI request with only comfort cares but was written 2 years ago, which in my case if I’d get COVID I would just quarantine and die at home, as I’m immunocompromised and I don’t think I’d survive it.

And I’ve had the tough conversation with loved ones about AHD and the fact when I wrote, in my case when the time comes I had already planned on dying alone.

Others circumstances, that’s if others are actually still reading this, well you’ll have to think should you be wrong, of how you want novel coronavirus life and death wishes executed, thoughtfully with your
loved ones feelings in mind and whether or not you have the right to risk as well as further burden healthcare systems should you get sick enough to need to seek medical attention, let alone be hospitalized for it.

And while advanced health directives are for adults to decide when it comes to medical and death planning, as it applies to COVID-19 should you choose to do an AHD, NOBODY has that right to make that decision for vulnerable people who might be exposed and/or children on whether they should seek medical care for them, which should be done immediately whether it’s novel coronavirus related or anything health issue that jeopardizes one’s health .

I’m not being harsh or a hater of those who I can’t understand how they can’t accept how dangerous novel coronavirus is, or if they do but irrationally think they won’t get it, of if they’ll get it but it won’t be life threatening or they’ll get it and think at the time that they are ready to die, but if they get it but change their mind when they actually are potentially dying from novel coronavirus thinking that they deserve medical treatment.

I’m just hoping people will carefully think about what I’m saying realizing that I as a medical activist but non medical professional took an oath to do no harm.

HOWEVER, I needed to stay what I’ve stated in this blog because I think and am heartbroken about people who did take COVID-19 seriously and took precautions to protect themelves and others, like physicians and first responders who did die from novel coronavirus or got really sick from it.

As well novel coronavius just doesn’t have consequences due to lack of preventative measures on them the patients themselves, it has the ability to potentially jeopardize the well being if not lives of those who do everything they can to protect the well being of not just people’s loved ones but the general public at large.

I’m also devastated thinking about the impact of the delay in diagnosis of other potentially fatal diseases in people where novel coronavirus could potentially kill someone who’s thought to not be in a high risk group, as well as the continued great need that there’s a delay in being diagnosed or getting treatment for medical and mental health care, once the virus is contained, of what will happen to further to health care systems, their employees and patients for those who survive and the human beings who won’t be able to thrive let alone who won’t survive, with so many resources and people will be taxed inconceivably, irrevocably and harmfully for many years to come.

So, hopefully this can be discussed with input regardless of people’s beliefs that concentrate on the fact that we all have a right to a safe, healthy and peaceful life and people need to believe and behave in a manner that their personal civil liberties cannot and should not have uncivil horrific consequences for any other.

Note: It’s okay to disagree with me or another. It’s NEVER okay to harass or bully myself or another and because I’ve received death threats on other controversial blogs of mine, know that they will be reported to the proper authorities .

And just something to ponder for those who hatefully harm both on and off the internet, while it’s NEVER the right thing to do, just think of the person you harmed actually had a skillset to not only improve or better your life when it comes to another topic, if not had the skills to save your life or someone you love.

We are living in the MOST hostile of environments EVER and I NO longer think I can adapt…

https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: IF you or someone you know is in medical and/or mental health crisis and could be a threat to themselves or others, please contact emergency services in your area of residence, immediately.

If topics such as trauma, suicide and violent crime are a trigger for anyone reading this, please don’t read the whole thing.

As the above title might suggest but what would be incorrect, is that I’m NOT in any kind of mental health crisis.

I’m not thriving, though.

I never started this blog thinking that I could save the whole world, let alone one person.

I figured it was worth trying to help others not go through some of the same things I’ve gone through and if that could help, at least what I went through and so unintentionally put through those I love the most, wouldn’t have been in vain.

I knew and have been feeling since, a sense if dread that 2020 would be almost apocalyptic in its toll in human lives physically and mentally, since late last year.

I’m NOT psychic though and I couldn’t, let alone anyone else could have forecasted though what exactly would make this year so emotionally and physically devasting and so consequential.

Because exactly what that is varies so greatly between us.

I have about 2 traits personally that has made me be able to survive things with a shred of dignity left and that is that I don’t get jealous of anyone and I have no predisposition to be violent.

That doesn’t mean I’m not angry at times with others or myself because I am.

I just don’t get to the point that I hate. And hate and hate and hate…

And that’s where I see our society is, a new normal that’s only getting worse.

People hate those who look, act, think and/or believe different from them.

If personally I thought my thoughts were just skewered due to my mental and cognitive disabilities, I’d keep quiet.

I can’t though, I took a vow as an activist to do no harm.

And part of that contains a duty to warn of what one thinks that presently or in the future can harm others.

Or a bad history that will repeat itself over and over again causing more preventable death and grave emotional harm to countless innocent others.

The problem though with above sentence is the words “preventable” and “innocent” because while they should be objective in theory, they aren’t any longer.

Cause everything is subjective nowadays and that’s NOT good for anyone.

Everyone has at a time, if not constantly a defective way of thinking, feeling and/or behaving  that could cause unnecessary potential horrific harm, even if it’s unintentional.

But dead is still dead, even if it’s unintentional, hurt is still hurt.

So think about who you identify as heroes.

Think about who and what you hate and why you hate them/it.

And think of the harm that could cause someone you love, if we can’t get it together to fight a good fight to help save and enrich each one and others lives regardless of our differences in race, religion, politics, profession, socio-economics, gender/sexual identification and age as we all really need to believe that everyone has a right to a safe and peaceful life.

Good things cannot usually flourish, let alone survive hostile environments.

I can only hope I’m SO WRONG in my thinking , as it applies to seeing what looks like to me, a society that can’t stop hating on one another that it applies to human harm in unnecessary hostile environments.

Peace.

A NOT so gentle reminder about the medical and mental health HAZARDS of fireworks, not just around Independence Day but any day in the #COVID19 era…

(REPOST/Originally published 2017, due to the safety issues this blog addresses, especially now in the COVID-19 era, as well as with all the social unrest thought it was worth re-working and re-publishing)

https://www.forbes.com/sites/tommybeer/2020/06/22/firework-salesand-complaintsskyrocket-across-america/#4428181d515e

Fireworks, Triggers, PTSD, and Veterans

http://www.militarywithptsd.org/fireworks-triggers-ptsd-and-veterans/embed/

http://www.popsugar.com/moms/Babies-Fireworks-Yes-27331158

http://www.westsoundwildlife.org/wildlife/Coexisting/CO_Fireworks.html

http://www.peteducation.com/article.cfm?c=1+2174&aid=2545

http://www.cpsc.gov/en/Newsroom/News-Releases/2014/CPSC-Reports-Increase-in-Fireworks-Related-Deaths-and-Injuries-in-20131/

http://www.nfpa.org/news-and-research/fire-statistics-and-reports/fire-statistics/fire-causes/fireworks

For those who shoot off fireworks near their cabin, that doesn’t have any neighbors within a 100 acre radius,  this blog isn’t for you….Although it still might help due to the safety issues consumer fireworks, pose on people,pets and property.

As Independence Day approaches, this needs to be said. I LOVE elaborate  firework displays, as far as municipal/professional firework displays, executed by pyrotechnic professionals , just like most people, who might be sad that they are cancelled this year because of COVID-19.

While I don’t have PTSD triggers from fireworks ( I do from other life issues), lots of people and pets, DO have PTSD triggers from fireworks.

Although the noise from fireworks, does cause physical and emotional distress for me personally, as I get older and more sensitive to noise and light,  but can’t be classified as a PTSD trigger, as it for so many people.

And that’s one of the  the reasons for this blog. The safety issues that consumer fireworks can pose, is the other reason for this blog.

As well as  the reason why this blog is being re-written, is given the increase in amount of consumer firework usage in 2020, which while great for makers of those products, it’s not so great for so many where the noise is nuisance at best, to causing panic and fear and increase risk of injury being an additional unnecessary health threat in already overworked healthcare system.

The above links do explain the PTSD triggers and physical and emotional distress that fireworks can cause in our military people with PTSD, babies and toddlers and pets.

Consumer fireworks can also cause PTSD triggers in people who have survived shootings and/or have lost a loved one, who either died or survived a being shot by a gun.

Going into this weekend and the holiday weekend afterwards and going forward, this is a gentle reminder, that if one loves to shoot off consumer fireworks, please understand you could be cause psychological if not physical harm to both people and pets.

So please keep in mind, that while even if it may be legal for you to shoot off consumer fireworks, it’s not a good idea for multiple reasons to do so over and over on any given day or night.

In addition to the PTSD trigger  issues that it may trigger in what I said in above and in links, 8 people died  and 11,400 people were injured due to consumer fireworks in 2013. That’s an increase from years prior, as more states have made them legal.

Just because they are legal, doesn’t mean they aren’t a safety hazard both physically and mentally, is the point I’m trying to get across.

And if you’re going to do so, do so on the 4th of July, around dusk, when people expect to have to deal with the noise from them.

Any other day and any other time,  makes it harder on those with PTSD triggers and is still a safety threat.

So if you wouldn’t drive a car or operate a boat, intoxicated, don’t think that you’re any better off personally or to the public , if you’re randomly shooting fireworks, to either celebrate the 4th of July or any other holiday or personal celebration, multiple times on random days or nights.

There are better ways to show that you’re patriotic, that doesn’t have an adverse effect on others, like consumer fireworks DO.

Don’t even bother trying to argue with me, that this  a free country and you can do what you like, just because it may be legal, where you live.

People who fought for your freedoms, are being adversely effected by consumer fireworks being launched on any other day or time, so you’re not honoring them.

What you’re actually doing is showing that you’re a jerk, with a total disregard for people, pets and the general public, by launching fireworks at any other time, than dusk on the 4th of July.

So if boredom is one of the reasons that consumer firework sales and usage is up this year, instead of scaring babies, toddlers and pets unnecessarily, how about learning a new skill?

A great wise witty blogger has suggested for those so bored during the pandemic and maybe that’s why some are shooting off fireworks willy nilly, how about doing  something quietly useful, like learning how to save a life:

Learn how to save a life!!!

There’s many ways to honor our nation and our nation’s birthday without explosives, exploitation, cancel culture and death threats, just cause someone differs in aesthetics and opinions than one another, that does actually  honor and celebrates our great diverse nation, not divides and tries to decimate it.

Note: Respectful difference of opinions will be published. Feedback as far as those who suffer from PTSD triggered  by consumer fireworks are also welcomed.

Disrespectful comments are not going to be welcomed , NOR  will they be published.

My blog, while NOT a dictatorship, ain’t a democracy, either. So please don’t waste your time or mine, with anything hateful.  Thanks!!!!

The unprecedented #mentalhealth crisis that #COVID19 presents now and will continue to provide after it’s contained…

https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2020/03/the-next-pandemic-will-be-in-mental-health.html
https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/04/politics/what-matters-april-3/index.html

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/current-events/supporting-your-emotional-well-being-during-the-covid-19-outbreak/

Important Disclaimers: I am not a medical or mental clinically trained professional, if someone is in danger of hurting themselves and/or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

Okay, back up to a few days before Valentine’s Day 2020.

My boyfriend comes home from work where he works for a global shipping company, and asks me “Guess what we’re getting slammed with in packages???”…

I reply back “Guns”.

He’s like “how did you know???”…

Because by then, that Wuhan based physician who tried to warn us about the virus had already passed away.

Because while I’m  not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional nor do I have any form of education in public safety, that in an uncertain time, that has become even more uncertain and scary to so many in the last 6 weeks , a gun would give stable people, possibly a feeling of some control, in a constructive way to protect their people and their possessions.

It would give those who were less stable, a tool to feel more in control in what was looking to possibly be to them, more uncertainty than they could bear.

You see now those who are reporting the news are in the news because of COVID-19.

We’ve seen famous, wealthy, noteworthy  and/or health people succumb to the damage the virus causes, as well as the first responders and frontline health workers become infected, some passing away, but everyday fighting to save other people’s lives, in circumstances most of us could’ve NEVER seen coming unless one is Bill Gates or was the genius that was Dr. Stephen Hawking.

We’ve seen people licking toilets or coughing in public saying they have COVID-19 whether they do or not.

We’ve seen people who know they have COVID-19 or suspect it and  not warn others, not social distance for what would be reasonable reason normally, such as having a loved one in the hospital and wanting to be there for them or unreasonable and unconscionable reasons to spread the virus.

Law Enforcement has seen an increase in domestic violence calls.

You have people who can’t seek acute care either without risk or even in epicenter like NYC now (and for some time) patients dying in unprecedented circumstances and their loved ones and medical professionals responses and their own suffering and knowing that here in the U.S., the feeling of being in crisis will have it’s effect on people.

I’ve been very blessed that everyone I love the most so far, is okay.

And today was supposed to be for my own mental health, a day where I took a break from watching the news but even the little I’m online or offline, as I got out today which is rare but was needed as I had prescriptions and food to get, there’s a reminder everywhere of the challenges COVID-19 has presented.

As others have said, we can’t just look for the helpers, like Mr. Rogers was famous for comforting us, we have to be the helpers, if we can.

And if one can’t help, at least be careful as they are capable of, to not to do any further harm to one another.

I can’t stress how important though it can help, that if you can just positively help someone is that you do so when you can.

Sometimes doing that is just reminding one another that we care and you see many initiatives online and off, that is doing this.

Sometimes, though it’s more sad and scary, but necessary to say at times, that people have to be just as vigilant about their mental fitness and agility, as some are with their physical health and fitness and realize some aren’t in control of either and/or the risks they present to others and be prepared for that and the unexpected in people and in patients that may have been physically and mentally fit in the past.

As sometimes medical crisis can cause mental health ones and I would know about that, almost better than anyone, unfortunately.

As much as we can try to convey and we can’t stop, that we’re in this together, there are so many factors here that will provide mental health challenges and crisis, that while may not rival  the medical crisis we’re in, that we still have to personally and as a community, professional or not, have to actively and constructively prepare for, both in ourselves and with others and we’re going to have to do this in a manner that’s  consistently, comprehensively and with patience and vigilance going forward as we all adjust and evolve because of the devastation and challenge that COVID-19 has now presented to everyone globally.

Kindness and patience with ourselves and with one another, while has always been important, is going to be of utmost importance, now, as we try hard to move forward.

#MISANDRY IS ALWAYS UNACCEPTABLE!

https://m.eonline.com/amp/news/1084698/miley-cyrus-shades-liam-hemsworth-during-instagram-live-with-cody-simpson

Oh no, SHE didn’t!!!

Unfortunately, OH YES SHE DID!!!

I’m talking about celebrity Miley Cyrus, who I normally like and respect  as an artist and activist, went on an androphobic rant that could have potential setbacks for the LGBTQIA community, which that I won’t even address that, in this blog.

SO, I’ll just stick to the misandry and potential androphobic comments she made on social media this last weekend, on Instagram.

Actually, those comments weren’t potentially androphobic they were full of her own misandry issues and  ANDROPHOBIC!!!

It’s not my place to analyze  of WHY she would say what she did about men, on such a broad damning spectrum.

However, it IS my place, to call it out, when someone has that amount of influence, although it would be wrong even if someone had NO influence, when it  can be so harmful and wrong to any population of people, with what they say.

And it’s even worse, in our society today, where in case of  bias against men, it’s still repulsively so acceptable to do that to a man, just because they’re a man.

I’ve said in past blogs, that it’s not okay to hold all men accountable, for the repugnant behavior of some of them.

As women rape and assault  other women, as well as men, kill and emotionally and physically abuse, too.

I learned this a long time ago, when learning fully to accept LGTBQIA issues and rights, in my very  early 20’s, even though I never hated gay people or gay issues, I just had trouble understanding them.

I used to do volunteer work in a battered women’s shelter as a crisis phone line operator, which gave some time, to talk to some of the residents.

I remember one time there was a resident there, who was explaining her history, that she had been raped multiple times  from the time she was a young child to her late teens by her biological father and she got pregnant.

She wasn’t in that shelter though because of the rapist dad, she was in there because her female partner battered her.

My initial thought, being so naive at 20, was sadness that in that case, thinking how she could possibly trust anyone, with so much trauma, going forward for her.

Then I realized , hopefully she could find someone eventually, male or female to trust.

Trauma can be caused by anyone of any gender, race, religion, weight, political affiliation and of any age to anyone, depending on who they are dealing with.

It’s NOT being misogynist by point that out, that it should be completely unacceptable, to demonize any population of people.

INCLUDING men !!

I can’t believe in late 2019, that I, a disabled reclusive activist, has to point out that if it’s NOT okay to gender bash women (which it definitely isn’t ), it’s most certainly NOT okay, to gender bash, perpetuate dangerous myths and hate on men, just because they are men!!!

Note: Comments that aren’t constructive, will NOT be posted…

In hopes that #MetastaticBreastCancer doesn’t claim another wonderful woman…

In loving memory of  Angela Suzanne ( September 19th,1969- October 31th, 2018)…

“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch”. -Jack Thorne

There is the thirteen.

Actually, it is now, eleven.

I remember in Winter of 2010, my aunt was hospitalized suddenly, at the age of 65, it was a little over a  week before my nephews b’nai mitzvah.

I had a bad feeling about her hospital admission. My Aunt, who at the age of 26 in the mid 1970’s was diagnosed late with congenital heart issues and had one of the very first pacemakers.

I remember being in a car, telling my father and son, after we left my Mom and Dad’s house, after trying on some outfits to wear to that b’nai mitzvah, at my Mom and Dad’s house that I didn’t think my Aunt, who was my Mom’s oldest sister,  would come home from the hospital.

While I’m not in the slightest, psychic, I tragically was right.

She died a few days later.

One thing that stuck with me, was because in the same week there was to be a funeral and a b’nai mitzvah (my nephews who are close in age, had their bar mitzvahs at the same time) the Rabbi, said something striking.

YOU don’t cancel a simcha (a joyous gathering in Hebrew) because of a death in a family, life still goes on and it’s meant to be celebrated for the survivors, it doesn’t take away the loss the loved ones feel, but it would be remiss not to concentrate on love and happiness, even during a tragedy.

But it was tragedy to all of us, I was so devastated that G-d took her instead of me, as I would’ve died without my gastric bypass reversal in 2010, but for how sick and heartbroken that  I was, that I didn’t even go to the b’nai mitzvah because my Aunt died instead.

My son and my daughter in law got married, a little less than  2 weeks after he proposed in May of 2018 on Mother’s Day weekend.

While I’m sure quite a few people though they got married in a rush, because my daughter-in-law was pregnant, that wasn’t the case.

The reason why they got married quickly, was that my son’s mother-in-law had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that had quickly spread.

Not that anyone would know from looking at her, as my daughter in law’s mother was absolutely gorgeously radiant, the day of their wedding.

Not that I would know, because I never met that wonderful woman.

Because, it had been so long since I’d seen anyone from family, other than my children,parents and and daughter in-law to be , I didn’t want to bring negative attention to myself, by attending as it been so long since I’ve seen so many of my family members, as I wanted the attention to be on the gorgeous bride and groom and the beautiful loving woman (my son’s Mother in-law to be) who with her gorgeous daughter and they looked like twins practically, planned a gorgeous wedding in less than 2 weeks.

I do not regret not attending the wedding.

I didn’t belong there for the reasons that I have stated.

I regret more than anything, however, that I never met the wonderful woman that was my son’s mother-in-law.

I never got to thank her for how wonderful she was, not only to my son, but to my daughter, as well.

As well as it saddens me to no end, that their 1st anniversary fell on the first Mother’s Day without her.

When I refer to the “thirteen” or the “eleven”, those are people I’d gladly die for.

That would be my children, my parents, my sisters, my nephews and my boyfriend.

I would’ve gladly, especially for how sick I was in 2010 and would’ve died for my Aunt Susan, who loved life, never complained and lived life to the fullest, with a zest and was so fun loving.

Angela Suzanne, my daughter in-law’s mother who I never met, was an amazingly wonderful loving mother. She was a loving daughter, mother, mother in-law, sister, aunt and friend. She was a hard worker and while she was many good things, the most she treasured was being a mother, and her love just didn’t extend to pride about how wonderful her daughter was, but my son, as well.

And if I could’ve died her in place, I would’ve as well.

She should’ve had the opportunity to be the wonderful loving grandmother that she would’ve been.

She should’ve seen my daughter-in-law turn 21.

She should’ve not had to fight so hard to stay alive and die a horribly brutal and painful death, which was hastened by how hard she fought and the treatments she sought so willingly to buy time to spend with those she loved the most, even though they made her so sick.

Truthfully, I have not seen my daughter in-law since her mom passed.

Because I’m terrified, as I don’t possess the loving wisdom that her Mom, did that could bring her in any comfort.

And I’ll never have the right words to explain the travesty that was her Mom’s disease and her death and how heartbroken I am for them.

And because we don’t get to choose on who’s place we take when death comes, there isn’t anything I can or do, to show how sorry I am, for the biggest loss any young woman has to bear, when tragically losing the mother she loved so much, who fought so hard to stay alive, for her.

As well as the horrific loss that the rest of her family has and is feeling.

The only thing that brings me a tiny bit of comfort is that she raised so lovingly a wonderful daughter and that everyone who knew Angela, was better for it.

But, I can’t stop thinking of my future grandchildren, even though they will live on being a part of her, should’ve had the amazing wonderful blessing that having her as a grandmother, would’ve brought them.

That my daughter in-law, as well as her entire family should’ve had more time, with that wonderful amazing woman.

The only thing I can do and I will, going forward,  is raise money and awareness for metastatic breast cancer, in addition to the other medical activism that I do. .

Until, there is a cure and if not, better and less invasive treatment options that don’t cause side effects that are almost just as bad as the disease itself, when it comes to metastatic breast cancer.

I turn 50, in a little over 2 months. What I am hoping for, is to raise as much money as possible for the American Cancer Society.

In hopes that while Angela Suzanne didn’t live to see 50, that other mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandchildren and friends will be able to see their loved ones turn 50, if not for those who die younger, as well as love on their future grandchildren, if not their actual kids,  that they should’ve lived to see, grow.

If not older, than longer than they should’ve had.

https://donate3.cancer.org/

 

In defense of #HCMC ‘s Ketamine study and possibly protocol for potentially violent and violent patients…

Workplace violence in healthcare

https://bringmethenews.com/minnesota-news/hennepin-healthcare-vows-improvements-after-review-into-ketamine-use-on-police-subjects

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: My normal disclaimers do NOT apply as far as my NOT being a  clinically trained medical and mental health professional or NOT being trained in law enforcement and/or public safety, as this blog addresses the safety threats to first responders and healthcare professionals locally, but this is a dialogue that above study  in first link, that addresses on a national level, the threat that healthcare workers are up against with patients who are ALREADY in an acute facility for evaluation and treatment when in mental  and/or medical crisis or combination there of or that first responders are potentially in danger, when responding to a crisis call.

I have in NUMEROUS blogs, advocated for patients rights, in this case though, as in a few other blogs that I’ve written, the patients that I’m advocating for ARE the first responders and healthcare providers that are in danger when verbal de-escalation techniques may not be the most effective, which can not only jeopardize a patient in who is in medical and mental health crisis, but the first responders and healthcare providers who are trying to stabilize them.

There are already local and national activists who advocate for verbal de-escalation, I don’t agree and I think someone who isn’t a peer as a first responder or healthcare worker needs to advocate for safety of people who work in these professions.

If this is a topic as a patient, that could be triggering, please do not read.

***

About 8 months ago, I blogged about a less than ideal encounter at Hennepin Healthcare’s emergency department, from the perspective of a patient, where I felt that I had been unfairly labeled and was also given prescription high strength ibuprofen that I never filled, as a patient who had a gastrointestinal bleed history and NSAIDs are an AWFUL treatment option for me.

The rare 4 times I’ve been in the emergency department at that facility and ONLY at that facility in the last 5 years in their emergency department as a patient, truthfully before seeing above 2nd link or similar stories last year , when either in the waiting room or when roomed and waiting for care, truthfully, I had wondered why some very aggressive patients wandering around had NOT been sedated.

Not just for patient safety sake, both the patient themselves who were acting out and other potentially non violent sick patients who were being treated but for physicians, nurses, other hospital staff, as well as there is police and/or Hennepin County sheriffs at this facility.

I’ve also blogged several months ago about a nurse who was violently assaulted at Anoka Metro Regional Treatment Center and also  when 3 1/2 months ago a man who was under the influence of illegal substances had made a terroristic threat against my apartment building about blowing it up and also mentioned about wanting to kill me when he first saw me.

This is how I personally de-escalate situations when being harassed for money, sex and drugs.

I look the person in the eye, tell them I’m sorry that I can’t help them but that I don’t have any money, that I wish I had drugs but that I’m on probation and get drug tested (not true and all I’ll add to that, is my medication list is up to date at both FUMC and HCMC online resources as well as in my DNR/emergency  info in my phone) and depending on how agitated or aggressive they are, I’ll give them a cigarette and wish them well and go on my way.

OBVIOUSLY, clearly that’s a technique that NO first responder or any physician or nurse working with an unstable patient can actually  do.

I’m not the medical or mental whisperer, I realize that part of the reason, even dealing with extremely unstable people with a propensity to be violent, on a regular basis, is largely due to luck.

The big deal with Ketamine issue at HCMC was informed consent and some of the consequences with some of the patients needing to be intubated, afterwards.

The problem is that no one could say with absolute certainty that the patient would’ve been better off, the patients around them, the hospital staff and the first responders had they not been given Ketamine.

I clearly have a bias…

But the thing is, it’s not the hospital staff that if I have a patient encounter that I am not thrilled with the evaluation and treatment that scares me.

It’s the patients who are aggressive and agitated who pose a threat to staff and patients who aren’t sedated who scare me at HCMC, which I live 2 blocks away from and truthfully at  any hospital.

And those potential patients who are roaming in Minneapolis and St. Paul who are in crisis of some sort, who also I find terrifying.

I really have to wonder if those advocating on non medication interventions have ever been a patient, visitor or volunteer  at HCMC’s emergency department.

And in my case, I can just choose not to get treatment there, any longer, now that I have a DNR and just wait for my biannual medical visits with my longterm PCP of over 20 years in Princeton, a much smaller town, outside of the Twin Cities.

However HCMC’s  first responders, entire hospital staff and patients in medical crisis who don’t have a predisposition to ever be violent and either need a level 1 trauma center or hospital closest to them, don’t have that as an option, to opt out.

This is a topic that needs more discussion, when patients in crisis, who are potentially a threat to themselves, really can’t give informed consent and are potentially a threat to first responders, healthcare workers and innocent others, and the injury risks and rates HAVE to be reduced, if they can’t be eliminated, for healthcare workers.

Note:  Again, I welcome respectful differences of opinion, even if they are opposing. Anything that threatens the welfare of myself or any of my readers will be reported to the proper authorities.

Doing something ONCE but the consequences lasting FOREVER…

(I wrote a poem on the eve of the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt and on the 5th anniversary of a death of a beloved icon. Cause I’m old school in the digital era, I typed the poem on my email vs. meme generators, then took a picture of it with my smartphone, uploaded it to my large android tablet with keyboard, cause I find most apps as well as smartphones to be that YUCKY, but that is how I am, my outlook with others, is you just do you, boo, OK? thanks/you’re welcome)

IMPORTANT Disclaimers: This blog is to achieve more of a personal something vs. activism goal. Given most of my activism is rooted in life and death medical and mental health issues and circumstances, I do take liberties personally when talking about my OWN mental health and medical issues that I wouldn’t with another.

If serious topics sometimes not taken so seriously that are wordy and with some profanity, are a trigger to anyone, please do not read this blog.

And as always, if you or someone you know is a danger to themselves or others, please contact in person emergency services in your area.

Anyhoo, let the whatever (not sure if this will be a somewhat serious blog, fun, mayhem, crazy, super wordy(looks like wordy, as I’m over 200 words in, in just my disclaimer) probably combination of, commence…

***
Sigh…

I guess this has to start somewhere, right?

And if you’re familiar with me, or my writing, ya know I digress.

A lot…

So anyhow I happened to be outside last Friday night (unusual for me, as I’m a recluse who spends 99% of time alone, in my apartment in the last 2 1/2 years) and this lady who happened to be helping my neighbor with something, on her way out, started a conversation with 2 of my neighbors and myself where we were watching construction (neverending, on my side of da Miniapple) at 9pm on a Friday night in front of our building.

Okay, I know she meant well.

She started out the conversation about keeping active and looking good for 52 and while my neighbors gave her a compliment, I didn’t. I didn’t want to explain why and say “you look good for any age” or give any thing away that could explain my former life at first.

When she asked us without verbatim of basically “how do people FUCKING end up in a really poor building in a really rich neighborhood???”, I just basically said I was a disabled non monetized blogger and my neighbors gave some version of their stuff.

I’ve gotten really good or really bad depending on how you look at it, at answering that question in the last 10 years.

If I wanted to keep guessing and on occasion when I get some form of that question, I could just say “x amount of years ago I was a size 2 Certified Personal Trainer” which I did end up saying to her is the reason why I blogged, before returning to my apartment last Friday night.

I don’t answer that way most of the time, even though the looks people give me, are nothing short of amazing, because it doesn’t do the life I had regardless of weight,  prior to 2008, absolutely any justice.

Especially the time of my life, that I was a working full time, proactive loving single mother of 2 children.

Which will always be the best time of my life, starting in 1992 when my only son was born, getting even better when his sister was born 10 1/2 years later and ENDING in August of 2008 when I gave up custody of  both of my children to my parents and tried to commit to suicide due to severe medical issues and mental health ones, 5 days later.

Today is the 11th anniversary of my “one and only” suicide attempt.

Which is in great detail in my very first blog on here, exactly 6 years ago.

Other than NOT dying, the consequences of my suicide attempt were pretty severe.

The same could be said of my gastric bypass and Mirena, my 2nd trial of Fentanyl, my 3rd trial of Topamax at different times after my gastric bypass reversal in 2010.

I’m not even going to mention all my other bizarre near death experiences outside of the realm of my control, prior to my gastric bypass in 2001, in this blog.

I started this blog for a few reasons.

Primarily, as I’ve said before, that what I went through and so unfortunately put those I love through, wasn’t in vain.

That topics that are stigmatized would be less so to help others, either in prevention of suffering or reducing it.

That my children had in my words, how much I love them, when my youngest who has no memory of my being a functional loving present mother and my oldest, who saw me at my best and worst, would have my words, if they ever needed them and I couldn’t articulate them any longer or when I’m no longer around.

But this is the mixed blessing of all of this, as 11 years later, I’m still reduced to only what I can SAY, to help others.

I’m not capable of doing the normal day to day stuff that other people do to SHOW others they love them.

I’ve said before, I don’t have a great life, even though I’m able to do some uncanny great things with these words I have.

I can help someone when they are suicidal because they have bariatric surgical regret and they want a gastric bypass reversal when it’s not medically indicated, on working through why it can’t help them.

I can help someone who NEEDS gastric bypass reversal to save their life, that they have to remain alive, if one of the fears they have is getting fat again after a reversal, for that to be an option.

I can help others who think those of us have bariatric surgery and think for those who advocate for it or against it (again I’m for it, a surgical intervention, like I am for opiates, when all other less invasive treatments have been exhausted) why people feel blessed and cursed, and for those of us who fall in the latter category, remind that bariatric surgery is supposed to enhance one’s life, not ruin it or take it away.

I don’t just stay in one lane when it comes to medical activism with bariatric surgery or with my “one and only” suicide attempt because I am much more than my own medical and mental health issues and so is everyone else and other’s health issues among many, such as cancer, need better treatment options, just like schizophrenia, does.

For someone who had to fight herself to die, 11 years ago and then had to fight so hard to stay alive less than 2 years later, I will be always be sad for what’s been really bad and grateful for what is good.

In my case I’m grateful I didn’t have a chance as not an attractive child to have preconceived notions of what my life would turn out being, I didn’t expect the extraordinary blessings and I couldn’t have in my worst nightmares think about what the bad stuff would look like.

And in the digital era that has served me well, to not want to hurt, be hurt to prepare for the unexpected, even though I will always fear it.

But this is my life and I’m more than the wordy gastric bypass reversed chick who nearly got committed for one and only suicide attempt and leads a small life that is peppered with some amazing things, circumstances and people and I’m committed to if I can’t help someone that I don’t hurt them.

Some people go their entire lives not knowing the damage they are capable of, or that they caused and/or they don’t care and while all humans hurt another, some do on a major scale without remorse.

I’m many things that I don’t particularly love, but am grateful that I’m NOT that.

And I’m not an evil coward. I help when I can and stay to myself otherwise, and that in my circumstances, has to be enough.

Even though it really isn’t.

How could it be???

But it is what it is….

Note: Anything that’s not constructive to me or anyone else, will be published.