It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘BULLYING’ Category

Ummm….IF you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face…………

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Although it’s apparently absolutely OK to say it ABOUT someone’s face. Or body. Or unusual circumstances. In this instance, via direct message on Facebook. Especially if you are me and you make the mistake of updating a profile pic, like I did last night. It happened to be that, I had just gotten my haircut and a blow out, a few days ago, and last night I was supposed to go out, so I snapped a quick selfie, that I originally NEVER intended to post online. Just was curious, truthfully, because I have a slight tremor, of how I photographed, after doing my makeup, which I very rarely wear makeup. But I didn’t feel well and so I ended up not going out last night. Which I had said when posting pic and then I made that pic my Facebook profile pic.

While I have amazing amount of supportive and kind Facebook friends, I also of course, have Facebook buds, where I know based upon their actions and what they say or lack of them, that I’m their “DUFF”. I didn’t even know what DUFF meant (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) until a couple of weeks ago. But I know in my case, that I’m the DUFF (Disabled Ugly Fat Friend) to some, and it came out in 3 separate messages by 3 different people, since I posted that picture, in the last 24 hours.

Here’s the pic I posted last night on Facebook….

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“Wow… You look SO much better….”  Better than Godzilla, of how I usually look???

“OMG, Your hairstylist is an absolute MIRACLE worker, kudos on your DECENT profile pic….” Um… Okay….

“Wow, I wish I had the time to get my hair done all fancy like that. Are you gonna change your profile pic back, to what you normally look like?” Yeah… I’ll get right on that. I’m SURPRISED you even noticed as you usually are on vacation every other week….

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? But the difference in this case, as I actually got unfriended and blocked, after these 3 people chose to say what they did to me, privately. Maybe I should embrace that the haters are now attaching their identities with their vitriol. I just found it odd, that not only did I get unfriended and blocked, that all 3 did not have a common an interest or social media tie, with anyone other than myself.

I get that I don’t have enviable looks or an enviable life. I’ve also been bullied my whole entire life and have suffered from horrible “justified” body dysmorphia. But let’s get something straightened out, right off the bat, as it applies to ME. Although I probably will regret admitting this.

DO NOT make the mistake of exchanging the words “cognitively disabled” with “STUPID”. I’m definitely NOT stupid. While MENSA is not beating down my door, I’m still fairly smart. However I used to be absolutely fucking BRILLIANT. And my loss of certain abilities, is nothing short of bizarre. While I have a tendency to try to concentrate on the positives that the internet and social media, brings to my life. But I’m not completely immune to the hate. As exhibited in my last 2 blogs. I just don’t let it ruin my life. I’ve had ENOUGH life ruining circumstances, but still try to concentrate on the good. And learn from the bad.

If what’s sucky about my life, makes your life seem great, well, it’s not myself or my unusual circumstances that are the problem. It’s someone’s need to benefit somehow from other people’s painful issues, and while I’m not a lot of great things, I’m not that devoid of a soul, to take comfort in other’s misery. Team Lisa 10 vs. Team Cowardly Hater 0.

It’s pathetic that for someone who doesn’t have a huge social media base, is not influential on social media, that the little things I do, compared to the big things, that I’ve experienced that are in this blog, ruffles so many people’s feathers.

About 8 months ago, I had gone on a long walk, and it was a big deal, given my disability sets. I also have strange health issues, such as being literally allergic to the sun, given my long term nutritional deficiencies. The clinical name for it, is Photophobia. I also have severe chronic pain issues, in addition to my neurological issues. The fact that I had walked 6 miles on this particular day, was a BIG deal. I also looked like I had been baked in an oven.

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The gems I got from this one, were also of the passive-aggressive variety……..

“Wow, I wish I could do that, but I have a JOB and have  to work…..” What’s that thing you speak of, work?

“Wow, you are BRAVE, posting a pic like that…” i.e brave=STUPID

“Are you sure it was a six mile walk???”… No.. It wasn’t. Ya busted me again for lying. It said 6 miles when I “mapquested” it. But you know how inaccurate MapQuest is. 6 miles is actually 6 blocks <dropping copious amounts of sarcasm>,  And the truth be told, I look like that, after 6 seconds on ANY sunny day, with my health issues.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words…. OR in my case, a thousand of unnecessary, passive-aggressive and rude comments. If you wouldn’t make the same comment to a clergy member or your beloved grandmother, about a picture, feel free to cease and desist, from doing this, on social media, OK? In my case, it’s not gonna be the end of me. But in others, you may really HURT someone, who’s super vulnerable. People who do shit like this, aren’t the geniuses they think they are. It’s a lot easier, but a lot more cruel, to try and go in for the kill, then it is to concentrate on what’s good about the people you surround yourself with on social media, and off it.

Just know if you make me your target, you didn’t ruin me. And usually while I won’t fight back, again, this is another warning, you won’t like what I have to say, if I actually fight back.

p.s. This blog sponsored by 2 out of the 3 people who unfriended me, but forgot to unfollow me on WordPress. Ain’t the first time. And this ain’t my first rodeo, K?

“Master Hater Baiters”…..

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I’m actually kind of in AWE of the disproportionate amount of hate, I get for the amount of hits on my blog or what I say on Facebook (as most of my posts are public) and the little that I’m on Twitter.

But when I get 2 separate and anonymous hateful emails calling me out on my disabilities on blog that’s ONLY been read 4 times, all being referred from Facebook, in the last 6 hours, it’s time for a reminder.

IF you think and maybe you’re right, that there’s subjects I shouldn’t tackle, such as weight issues or serious mental health issues and YOU can do a better job or make a point, both clearer and faster, you’re more than welcome to try. I, ACTUALLY  wish you would.

BUT….. I’m not going to wait too long, anymore, to tackle subjects I feel that are important and no one wants to talk about them. HOWEVER…..I am not a masochist, I get told 10 to1, that I help more than I hurt, that’s why I continue to do the activism that I do. My memory issues which are irreversible, isn’t  gonna get any better. So there’s really NO point telling me to stop writing, until I can concisely do so.

BECAUSE,  I used to be FUCKING brilliant (like, seriously brilliant, like MENSA material) , in addition to having all the time the world, I’ve noticed when I’ve gotten anonymous hate from “Facebook Frenemies”. I can pick up on certain nuances and/or communication styles of people that I have social media connections, to.

I’m kinda like a demented Santa Claus who has somewhat an idea for those who do have a social media connection to me, only, because they get some kind of perverse satisfaction, in their thoughts  that my life is crappier than theirs. That makes them wrong, not just on one account. Because anyone who derives pleasure by cowardly sending anonymous hateful words, has a life I definitely DO NOT envy.

And depending on what they hate me for, dictates whether or not they remain a connection. But not only do I find them not enviable, I kinda find them on the entertaining side. So they really are EPICALLY FAILING in trying to hurt my feelings.

So this is again, reminding those, who go out of their way to hate on me, by putting vague words in a subject matter that could be construed as someone who might possibly needs help, that while I have all day to fight with some stranger (or someone I might know) on the internet, that I choose not to. That I’ve been bullied for over 40 years now, there’s nothing anyone on the internet could say to me, that would BREAK me. If my past circumstances DID NOT, NOTHING could, at this point. But I’m definitely more than capable of defending myself, need be.

Again, it’s by conscious choice that I’m kind and empathetic. I don’t  identify as being “nice”. And while I have references for being a kind and funny ole soul, I also have references for being a vile bitch who can eviscerate people with words. It’s true in the expression “Damaged people ARE Dangerous, because they know they can Survive”….  While 99.5% of the time, I won’t waste “all the time in the world” that I have, in engaging with those who don’t have my best interests at heart, on rare occasion, I do.

I don’t do anything else, though. Other than reading briefly the hate, I get, I don’t do anything else, other than writing a blog.

BUT…. Better you pick on me, than someone else, who might be vulnerable. And who you might actually hurt.

IF you’re that fucking devoid of a soul and a life.

AND, I’ll leave it to the discretion of the reader of who’s actually the “Master Hater Baiter”…. The blogger with complex disabilities  who tackles controversial subjects and tries to do so with integrity and their identity attached to it or a fucking cowardly intentionally cruel HATER…..

Later, Gators………

A Reminder of why I do Size Acceptance……..

Okay…. I just received HATE in the form of fat shaming for the first time on my blog.

I don’t know why I am so shocked, but I kinda am. I mean a troll is a troll is a troll…

But still? REALLY? Okay…..

Let me clarify something, my health is for NO ONE to judge. I’ve made it people’s business because I am an activist of sorts. I do not though have any health issues that are erroneously attributed to fat.

I’m not trying to start a war with my adored weight loss surgery peers for what they do for Obesity awareness. We kind of have enough mutual respect to agree to disagree.

When there’s one medical condition that only people who are considered overweight, obese, morbidly obese or super morbidly obese get that thin people DO NOT, I’d still have trouble buying it.

So I ask of my wls peeps or people with fat bigotry issues, to “check them at the door” in my digital spaces. If seeing a fat person eating a Big Mac (which I’ve NEVER ate) fills you with revulsion, you don’t know that the thin person eating a Big Mac, right next to them, could be the person with diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You’re justifying your hate of fat, based upon aesthetics. Not based upon health, which you cannot tell, just by how much space that another human being takes up.

If you are that concerned about weight issues, as it applies to health, then be a human being, with empathy, to have concern for all weight issues. People die every day from Anorexia. Let’s not shame body types or pit them against one another. Thin bashing ain’t ok, in my spaces, either. I’ve had “justfiable” body dysmorphia since I was 4 years old. Enough already!!!!

Most of the time I can ignore the hate. So really taking the time to hate on me on my blog, Facebook, Twitter or my personal email address, isn’t going to result in very much.

If I’m bored though, and/or you REALLY looking for a fight, BRING.IT.ON. I’m kind and empathetic, usually, because it’s a conscious choice I choose to make. Really wanna provoke me and well, you’ll find out the hard way, that isn’t really isn’t the best way to utilize your time or mine. And I don’t take kindly to cowardly and cruel internet trolls, if I can’t ignore them.

Does PAIN have a positive PURPOSE????

And if it does, what exactly is it? Other than a signal for illness or disease. I am talking about both severe medical and mental health/emotional pain…And I’m NOT talking about pain, such as in childbirth. And I talk about all of that as well as what’s been in the news lately that ties that together, neatly (at last I’m going to try to believe I did a good job or made some good points)

I have a QOTD/Question/s of the Day, and it’s quite offensive and potentially triggering… I am going to ask that you realize there is a purpose for me asking it and maybe it can lead to an interesting if not possibly empathetic debate…….

I understand I whine a lot about my pain levels and the reason why I do is, that it allows me to acknowledge it and move on. In some cases where it’s this bad for the last 3 days, it makes almost doing the most basic (and I live a pretty basic existence as it is) things like doing basic needs stuff like showering, walking, sitting, sleeping and throwing a frozen dinner (although I usually am food apathetic when I’m in this much pain) in the microwave, a herculean feat….

I don’t put on social media, every time I move around. I did end up getting over 5 miles in in walking, yesterday and I literally was gasping in pain with every step. But I also noticed when I was out and about, of just how many people can’t walk at all and were in wheelchairs and in scooters. I’ve been averaging  walking 15 to 35 miles a week, (despite having severe chronic pain, daily for over almost 2 decades) being literally allergic to the sun and daily migraines for the last 6 months. And my exercising is a big deal, given my medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities. And the bullying I’ve had to put up with.

I’m about to make my point. And I don’t know if it makes the difference for those who’ve had severe chronic pain issues or battle serious diangoses or not. Whether they are medical or mental health or combination of. And a lot of my buds have battled catastrophic illnesses and they never complain about it.
Here’s your QOTD/Question/s of the Day …. Would you rather have severe pain and ability or no pain and VERY little ability? I am not saying anyone who can’t walk, or has limited ability doesn’t have pain. And obviously we really can’t choose this. And for some of us who have this, it does severely limit our ability to have enjoyment in our lives. Or is it a matter of just being grateful for what you can do and do the best you can?  Is it a matter of attitude towards pain and illness and where do you fall in when it comes to interacting with people who have medical and mental health disabilities that you haven’t experienced? Or how does living with severe chronic pain and illnesses, adversely effect your life?

I was kind of thrown by the reactions to Brittany Maynard’s death. Not just the negative reaction from religious groups. But from Brittany herself where she was quick to differentiate the fact that her death wasn’t technically a suicide because she had terminal brain cancer. I was also thrown by my thoughts of right to die and it it hopefully will explain why I do the activism I do, but I have to choose my words VERY carefully.

I’ve likened serious mental illness that results in a person committing suicide as an “emotional cancer”. While I do the best I can for suicide prevention and awareness, while a lot of people can recover beautifully and live full lives with medical and mental health disabilities, some of us CANNOT. I am not saying I’m suicidal by any means. Because I’m not. But if you’ve read my earlier blogs, I wouldn’t be so quick to go public with that, either, given the fact that I did almost 16 months in the system, with a  major loss of freedom because of that one suicide attempt.

Nor do I look at Brittany Maynard’s death as a suicide. I look at it as a compassionate form of ending someone’s pain that was only going to lead to more pain and death, eventually.And I appreciate her being a perfect example why people deserve in tragic circumstances such as terminal cancer, a compassionate end. And I thought the support for her was amazing, for the most part, as well as how she chose to live her life to the end.

But AS a Mental Health activist while I look to reduce suicide, I definitely understand why people try or commit suicide and it’s still being stigmatized.

This is why I am asking and why I’m making the statements I am. I feel horrible when anyone has to suffer from anything. I’m not as smart as I used to be, but I have a lot of empathy, for even for bad experiences I’ve never had. I see that will live in a world that’s HORRIBLY judgmental. I’m glad that Brittany’s story was told the way it is, because it did bring more compassion than judgment for people who have medical terminal illnesses.

The problem is, that it also is unfortunately stigmatizing those of us who do have an enormous amount of physical pain and/or emotional and/or  mental health pain. And it’s not a kind differentiation.

So I guess I’m also asking is what is it going to take to have more of a dialogue for that? More treatments available for medical and mental health issues. While I think it’s lovely that I could Skype with a  complete stranger,  halfway around the world, I can’t understand what lengths I have to go to, to get rid of daily severe headaches and migraines (which is NOT the only medical and or severe pain I experience, I have a lot of medical diagnoses).

And lastly, instead of people like Brittany Maynard getting judged by some others and/or religious groups condemning her, I hate to break it to you, but she already like lots of people, experienced “Hell on Earth”. No one has the right to think she deserves to burn, if you believe in an afterlife. Not that we have any say so in the matter, it just makes me both really sad and angry that people can be so judgmental and lack empathy.

Instead of stigmatizing those of us who battle physical and mental health pain, we should worry about those who have pain and mental health issues, and not only do they take their lives. But they take others. This is happening every day now and while I can understand people’s pain and mental health issues, I can’t understand why, unless someone is clinically insane, why this happens and WHY no one wants to talk about it.  How about we talk about why bullying both online and off is so prevalent and why even with all the initiatives we have now to antibully, people have no problem bullying others for entertainment and recreation.

Note: I will post all comments if they are respectful. Given the activism I do both in the weight loss surgery community AND Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance, I will not post comments that are judgmental regarding weight to others. I have no problem publishing comments that come from a personal perspective.

Also, please, I understand people do have severe chronic medical/mental health pain and don’t talk about it. I really rather not see the equivalent of “at least you are still alive”.

If you’ve never been in medical or mental health crisis and or live with a life long painful disability, you have NO idea how judgmental that i is. I have nearly died, several times due to medical reasons in the last couple of years. I’m not going to let ignorant and unkind, if not triggering comments, trigger my readers.

For my friends, peers or strangers who believe that any death other than not being compassionate to those who murder or physically and/or emotional batter people, someone is not worthy of acknowledgement and respect. Meaning I don’t have compassion when it comes to those who or try to commit homicide and then commit suicide. But I’m asking NO religious rhetoric when it comes to “right to die”

Well we will just have to agree to disagree. And I ain’t publishing those kinda comments, either.

What NO ONE tells you AFTER GAINING a LOT of WEIGHT, AFTER A MAJOR WEIGHT LOSS…..

I’ve seen lately a lot of articles that explain what it’s like to lose a lot of weight whatever means people elect to choose. Sometimes it’s those who chose a surgical intervention, like I did in 2001. Sometimes it’s by the million other ways people lose weight with diet and exercise.

Our society has a fascination of how people get really fat and then become really thin, if they’ve never had a weight problem. If they did have a weight problem, and did something about it, people like to relate to those who had the same issue. If someone has an unresolved weight “problem” and hasn’t been able to figure out a way that works best for them, it helps them either find a way to try something new, and for those who are fat acceptance advocates, I’m not saying meanly when they use that to further an FA agenda which I don’t believe weight loss problems should be used, but there’s definitely a need for Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance because of all the fat bigotry and hatred, that we have in our society. Because I am in Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance as well at existing in the weight loss surgery community for support as a long time peer. BOTH for good reason. And it will be better explained as I go along.

I can relate to all sides. That’s probably why I defend them and represent them. Even though the most militant weight loss surgery and Fat Acceptance advocates do not want to have an association with me, because I’m on both sides. I know what it’s like to lose a lot of weight as I went down originally from a size 24 to a 9/10 on average the 1st year I had my gastric bypass, then in the middle of year 2, after a bad breakup, I found exercise to tone, and I found myself shockingly going down an additional 5-6 sizes. At my smallest, my closet contained kids clothes in a size 14/16 (which I as a fat child was never in an “appropriate” size for my age) some 2’s, mostly 4’s and XS and a few 6’s. Because I’m anal about “rounding up” to the biggest size I had in my closet, while I had a few size 6’s, I was on average a size 2-4 and I was extremely toned and extremely fit when I found a love of exercise (you’ll have to read my favorite blog that I’ve written of all time, “Ugly Hurts”, as I have pics of how I looked at all weights in the last 10 years).

In my case, I knew that at a size 9/10 that I was thin. I had been heavy my whole entire life, even though I was not like my other weight loss surgery peers super morbidly obese by bmi standards, I wasn’t even morbidly obese. But I was a size 24 on average from lifelong dieting.. I did have some extra skin and I did try to have reconstructive surgery when I was a size 9/10  but it wasn’t covered by my insurance. And given the fact I did end up losing another 30+ plus pounds and going down another 5-6 sizes, a year later, it’s just as well. I also ended up though starting in 2007, going up another TWENTY sizes and this is what this blog is about.

I’ve talked ad nauseum about my gastric bypass complications, the mental health issues that played a part into them, and as a direct result of them. I was put on a lot of psychotropic medications, starting in 2007, however because of where I was mentally, I’ve never been able to express other than in some places in this blog, what it’s REALLY like to gain a lot of weight after a major weight loss. That’s what I hope to accomplish now. Especially because I am on the heavier side, that I’ve been in the last 4 1/2 years, and I’m a lot more lucid and have the means to talk about it.

As I’ve also stated in other blogs, while I joined Facebook in late Summer of 2009, because of all the psychotropic medications I was on, I had NO IDEA of what Facebook or social media really was. When I was more lucid and on my own in the beginning of 2010 is where I found both size acceptance and the weight loss surgery community on Facebook. Because of my gi bleeds and not being on those meds, while I started my acclimation into a “normal” society out of the system in the beginning of 2010, depending on who I saw and when I saw them, I either gained or lost an enormous amount of weight. I’ll explain that, as well as where I am currently.

Most people STILL  have trouble understanding how I originally gained a lot of weight after having a surgical intervention to lose weight. Let alone having still major gastric bypass complications at my heaviest and of truly physically sick I was back in in a size 24 in 2009.  They don’t realize the enormity of power that a lot of psychotropic medications have. I was on an enormous amount of psychotropic medications that not only made me more food obsessed and eating disordered (as I’d been food obsessed and eating disordered, MOST of my life) but these medications not only effect people metabolically,again, they create the food obsession from HELL. And I’d want to eat things and I would, even though I’d throw them up.

The LAST thing I want to do as a Mental Health activist is deter people from taking their meds because they are gaining weight or they have a fear of getting fat. What I do want to instill in people, whether or not they are trying to lose weight, OR if they had a surgical intervention such as weight loss surgery and gained all their weight back or never got to goal, that psychotropic meds is a enormous barrier to “successful” weight loss. And it’s not discussed at all either in society or the weight loss surgery community. Or Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance. Not knowing the extent that the damage not only weight wise these medications can cause, cause people to think either their weight loss surgery failures or that they are fat because they haven’t tried hard enough to lose weight, not knowing what they are up against.

But even though weight gain can be an issue for these medications, it can NEVER be up to a patient, whether they had weight loss surgery or NOT, that they go off them, due to weight issues, alone. Untreated mental health issues can lead to SUICIDE and severe chronic depression. That’s a lot worse than being FAT. And it’s one of my primary reasons of existing as a Medical, Mental Health and Body Diversity activist and advocate that our society better understands this and understands how much the stigmatization of weight issues HURTS everyone, whether people are thin and dying from anorexia or they are fat and feel like failures and want to die.

But this is the point of my blog. NO ONE wants to talk about what it’s like being fat after losing a MAJOR weight loss. So I’ll tell you. It SUCKS. No one understands even though I’ll explain til I’m blue in the face that yes, I exercise and while I eat in moderation most of the time, that I’ve now bounced and/or gained weight because I’ve spent MOST OF MY LIFE, on a diet of some kind. Then on a psychotropic regimen that effected my weight, because I didn’t get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2 until I was almost 39, and had a nervous breakdown, I gained almost 100 lbs back. I was “only” 100 lbs overweight at the time of my weight loss surgery. But I had lost 107 at my thinnest and fittest and maintained being thin for 6 years, the last 3 1/2 of being REALLY thin the last 3 years I was thin.

BUT……There is ONLY so many times a person can lose weight before a body rebels. And I am heavier now that I like as I’ve gained weight recently and I’m uncomfortable. That doesn’t make me a crappy SA/FA because I’d like to lose weight and it’s not necessarily for health reasons, either. I’ll still defend anybody’s right to lose weight or be the weight they want for any reason. It’s just not personally working for me, but I’m finding I can’t lose weight anymore. But the last thing I’m looking for with this blog or in general is how to lose weight.

It’s NOT fun to get the looks from people who saw me at my thinnest and look at me and wonder “HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMEBODY GAIN WEIGHT AFTER WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY AND MAJOR COMPLICATIONS???”. It’s NOT a fun having to exist in a public if you’ve read my last blog where I work out in public and people don’t believe it, because I’m FAT AGAIN not every knowing how thin I was or everything I’ve been to get thin and stay there. It’s not fun of the looks I get when I eat out and people don’t understand why I’m picky but polite when I eat because I still can get gastric bypass dumping syndrome, but I can tolerate more foods then I could, pre gastric bypass reversal and the fact that I had my gastric bypass almost THIRTEEN years ago. And because I don’t qualify foods as good or bad, I do get looks when I eat foods that are unhealthy and people have absolutely NO problem telling me that I should not be eating that because I’m fat. Absolutely not knowing everything I’ve done since I’ve been FOUR years old (and I’m almost 45) of everything I’ve done to lose weight. But no one has a right to do that to ANYONE for any reason.

I’d be an absolute LIAR, if I didn’t said there was a LOT of things I miss about being THIN  . Clothes. Being as physically fit as I was. And it was easier to work out, weighing less, for ME. Fitting into society and not getting strange stares, no matter what I did because I wasn’t fat anymore. And for someone while I had been on a million diets, the SIX years I “enjoyed” “thin privilige” had a lot of good things to it.

But as others have blogged about, there was the bad of life after a major weight loss who’ve experienced it. The extra skin (which I didn’t have at my thinnest). The anger I had about that I had to lose weight to gain acceptance. The fact that if I saw people after my daughter was born but hadn’t seen them since my gastric bypass that my children were INVISIBLE. All people saw as that Lisa WAS FINALLY THIN. Nothing else mattered. The changes in my relationships as it made people uncomfortable even though I was pretty unassuming about having a major weight loss like that. And that I had at the time a lot of justifiable anger, that’s what I needed to do to get any respect. And if you’ve been reading my blog, since the beginning, I was a fully functional and present single mother. I worked full time. I drove a car, my kids were in activities, but how I got treated fat as a single mother of one, even though I was a single mother of TWO, when I was thin, I got treated a lot better, just based upon the fact that I was THIN. So you can only imagine all the judgments not only just about weight that I’ve subjected to my whole entire life,. While this is about what it’s like to be FAT after a major weight loss, the major loss in abilities and how devastating that is, goes beyond people’s comprehension of how heartbreaking that is to me. And I understand that my circumstances are so unusual as a whole to most.That’s why I’m trying to explain it.

This is what I am asking from society. And it’s a lot, given the circumstances of how much weight is talked about. It’s natural to make judgments on people’s weight. But it’s absolutely a crappy thing to do, is to judge someone’s character by it. Whether they are thin or fat. No matter what they did to be thin or fat. Even if they make it YOUR business, it’s not right for you to judge. No one looking at me, a total stranger, would know absolutely everything that I’ve done, my whole entire life to lose weight and maintain it. You only know that about me because I’ve specifically chosen to tell you that, to try and instill empathy in others (and truthfully, myself). Whether you are a weight loss surgery person or someone who’s lost a lot of weight  or a little weight, by any method and kept it off. Or someone who a lot or a little weight but couldn’t keep it off. Or people who choose not to let weight judgments effect them, and are in Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance and accept their bodies as it is, it’s not your place to judge those who choose to lose weight, but they have no right to shove it down your throat, either.

And that shouldn’t be demonized, either. Intentional weight loss. The fact people do give up on weight loss attempts and accept their larger bodies as it is, if they find they don’t want to be in the vicious cycle of weight loss and weight gain (and yes, it is possible to be healthy and fat, it’s also DEFINITELY possible to lose a lot of weight and maintain it long term). And it’s not based upon as much on  physical health as people claim it to be as far as the “Obesity Crisis” as it people claim it to be, but people have a right to lose weight. They just don’t have a right to shove it down your throat on a minutely basis. It’s basically an aesthetic issue and a moral judgment that HURTS everyone(I understand the actual health and mobility issues that go into a choice of weight loss, I’m not discounting it) but I don’t see a trillion “before and afters” of people’s cholesterol and blood sugar levels post major weight loss. At the same time no one should be shamed or judged for losing weight, either. No one would know that I’ve NEVER had one traditional “comorbidity of Obesity” both past and present. I’ve had every had every psychological aspect of being a fat child and fat adult in my life. I’ve also been bullied for being thin.

****I GET ALL SIDES is ALL that I’m trying to say****

I hope it makes sense why I choose to do the activism that I do. I hope I’ve explained that how weight stigma no matter what people’s size is, HURTS EVERYBODY. I hope it makes sense why I’ll fight for body diversity acceptance and hope that we can become a society that does not judge people or makes assumptions about them no matter what weight people are. I hope that my SA/FA peeps and WLS peeps realize that aren’t as polarized in their beliefs as they think they are. All they are asking is for acceptance of their weight choices. That neither has a right to impose or judge one another based upon weight issues. There’s always that thin person making the assumption of how people get so freaking fat in the first place. And truthfully I understand why they think that, I hope though, if you pardon the horrible pun, I’ve given them “food for thought” on how toxic their judgments of fat people are.  I hope people who’ve never had to struggle with weight issues, better understand how horribly harmful (as well as inaccurate) their assumptions are on people who are fat and thin (whether they are naturally thin or they’ve been successful at their weight loss attempts).

As long as I’m able to resemble anything articulate somewhat intelligent thought, I’m always going to do the activism I do. I at this point consider myself a human rights activist. I’ll pretty much be an advocate of treating all people with respect, no matter what race, gender, sexual preference, weight and religious beliefs people ARE. That I have no patience of BULLYING of any kind on any person from child to an adult. I just don’t have a lot of tolerance for hateful bigotry. NO ONE should.  Hopefully I’ve accomplished dispelling stigma as it applies to why people can get fat after a major weight loss in this blog. And why it’s hurtful to me and everyone else of the stigma and the judgments we make on people of any weight. And that while my failure to lose weight and keep it off is not the worst thing in my life, given my circumstances and why I hope it helps others to understand, how hurtful it is to judge people based upon whatever size they are.

As I’ve said in a previous blog and it WAS profound as it applies to weight issues. “THERE IS NO WINNERS WHEN WE WAR ON ANY PERSON OF ANY SIZE FOR ANY REASON”. And you can never know people’s reasons or any of the battles they are fighting internally on the inside. So don’t make rash and unfair judgments about their exteriors, that’s all I’m trying to say? Okay????

That’s my story and I’m sticking it to it. Now, I want to hear yours……..

***Again, the same rules apply. All responses even those in vehemently in disagreement of what I say, will be posted unless they are disrespectful. Thanks****

EVEN if you haven’t done the crime……

Victims will ALWAYS end up doing the time…… One way or another… I’ll explain as I go along…. Just please bear with me… And know that we CAN and DESERVE to heal…….

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There are a lot of things I have not talked about, as much as I like to dispel stigma, there are things in my past that I’ve not talked about. Such as being molested by a female babysitter when I was about 8 or 9, who lived across the street, from where I grew up. Or that I was “date” raped (of the “blind” date variety) , 6 years PRIOR to my gastric bypass, at almost my heaviest, at the age of 26, because we live in a society that while there are so many resources in place, there are still so many travesties that are put upon others, that are not talked about.

Because of stigma, of course. And because of the shame we carry and the secrets we feel we HAVE to keep and we shouldn’t have to….. We meaning, others and myself who have not come forward, yet.

It’s not difficult for me, to metaphorically, wear a hair shirt on the internet, so to speak, regarding the neglect that I so heartbreakingly and so unintentionally, put my children through when in I was in both a medical and mental health crisis from about 2006 to 2008. I accept that as my due. My hopes have always been, in talking about that horrible period of time in our lives, is that given the fact I can’t take it back, that to honor my children, I talk about it, in hopes of helping other families. And it has helped other families get the help they need, as well as support to stay strong until that help arrived.

As there was a lot of things and systems that failed my children and I, in making it much harder than it should’ve been, to get the help that I tried to get for my children, who I loved more than anything, and myself (who I didn’t love) when I saw that I was getting sicker both medically and psychologically. To the point it was too physically painful and emotionally excruciating to know that I was not the best person to take care of them, anymore.

However, I would’ve seriously hurt anyone who would have victimized my children in the way that I had been, humiliatingly and violently. If not killed anyone who would violently harmed, my children. Or I would’ve pressed charges against anyone who would do that to them, at the very least. I was their biggest advocate for the longest time for normal childhood things, though and I should’ve been. I was their Mother. And again, it does bear repeating that I did try to get help when I knew I was at my sickest, as the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt them in any way.

BUT,  it’s not so easy to talk about for me to talk about the times in my life where I’ve been victimized. I’ve mentioned briefly and on occasion on my blogs, the horrific bullying I went through as a fat child when I was very young (preschool) to adulthood. That’s what makes me an anti-bullying advocate.

So I’ve never really  talked about, at any great length (actually, AT ALL) the time I was molested by a teenage female babysitter, to anyone or the time I was date raped but because I was fat and it was by a man who was respected in society, that I figured no one would’ve ever believed me. Even though I knew intellectually, that rape is not a sexual act, it’s an act of violence and it’s about humiliation, I just somehow filed it away. Only to briefly talk about it with friends, closest to me. Around the time it happened,which was about 6 years before my gastric bypass. And not to be mentioned again. It never came up in my psychiatric hospitalization pre and post suicide attempt. It never got brought up in therapy, before or after. Which I stopped going to, in 2011.

But SOMEHOW, in my digital universe, it’s being reinforced that it needs to be brought up. RIGHT NOW. Perhaps, in my bringing it up, maybe others who’ve experienced similar or any type violent trauma or victimization, will come forward in hopes of healing. As well as preventing these, if not any heinous act, being perpetrated, in the first place. Or preventing them from happening again to ourselves or to others.

The biggest shame I’ve carried around and have not dealt with up until now, is that it has ALWAYS haunted me, on an intellectual level as well as emotional, is that I could’ve, if not without a doubt, failed innocent others, by not reporting these crimes. Because, by not doing so, thinking no one would believed me, also left the door open for those who have victimized me, in a criminal way, to be able to do that to OTHERS. That is probably caused me more shame and hurt that I left others to potentially be harmed, than the harm that was brought to me.

The catalyst that made me decide to come forward with what happened to me, was based upon a heartbreaking situation of a young girl who was repeatedly raped by her brother but chose not to say anything. It was an Upworthy link, shared by one of my Facebook friends, tonight.

The last thing I want to do in a circumstance so tragic, because not only of the circumstances that tragically and repeatedly violated her, but that as a young woman, she’s actually dying from something else. But has chosen not to go public with her circumstances. I don’t want to take away the peace of mind that she’s fought so hard for. But I can’t help wonder, if her brother has horrifically victimized more innocent people. This is why I’m writing this.

Here’s the Upworthy link: http://www.upworthy.com/she-was-just-a-little-girl-when-her-brother-did-these-things-now-shes-dying-and-she-wrote-him-a-letter?g=2&c=ufb1

(Note: Resource and support for victims is on the Upworthy link toward the bottom. Also note, in my case I’ve never hated those who’ve done harm to me, I’ve hated what they did. I, obviously am struggling with complete forgiveness, as a means to my healing, but it’s not for me to say that isn’t the best way for anyone else to heal .But I also absolutely believe that people can heal without forgiving those who’ve caused them such horrific harm.)

I remember running into my teenage female babysitter (who did have a drug problem at that time and I learned later was also abused sexually by her father prior ) who abused me, when I was an adult. She had a young daughter. I was with my son who was a toddler at the time and this was before the rape. It was at a local yogurt place and when she recognized me and introduced me to her young daughter, who was actually my age, when she abused me. As soon as she left, I had to go quickly to the bathroom and throw up.

I also did end up bizarrely also running into the person who raped me, on the internet, a year later, after the rape. It’s not going to help my healing or others to talk about what happened in that situation. But it makes sense now why I have such a lack of regard for myself and no self esteem for so long. When other people tell you or show you that you aren’t worth anything, it’s human nature to believe it. I say that as a survivor, but as an activist, I have bigger responsibility. But I have to obviously help myself in someway, to have credibility in helping others get help that they need to heal.

In NO way, would I want to do harm on people who’ve suffered horrific abuse of any kind by trying to shame them, in any way, to come forward if they just absolutely cannot. Or to press charges. I do want though to bring attention to the fact that perpetrators of horrific crime usually do NOT have just ONE victim. And ONE victim, is ONE victim too many.

I can’t be the one to tell you what is best for you, to heal. Only to caution you, as I’m learning that while I never deserved to be violated in the manner that I was, that my biggest regrets, as it applies to myself, SHOULD HAVE been TWOFOLD. That I SHOULD HAVE fought back out of respect to myself, to the fullest extent of the law. As well as forgiving myself for failing others who may have been spared being violated in the same way I was, because I chose not to act in fear and because of self loathing.

But at this point, I need to forgive myself and move on. And if you’ve been in similar circumstances and reacted the same way, you deserve peace and healing. And what you need for that to happen  may require professional help. And sadly I can only bring attention as an activist. I don’t have the qualifications that are necessary to help others in circumstances like this other than trying to remove the stigma and make you see that the secrecy and shame we carry is not ours to bear.

IF this helps one person, to get the help they need to heal, it was worth the heartache and humiliation that I hope to let go, from going public with this…

Peace……

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