It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Archive for the ‘BULLYING’ Category

How an episode of #HouseMD on You Tube, can give life saving insight on how pervasive and damaging #Obesity bias and bigotry is, way more than the disease of Obesity in itself, not just bariatric patients but in the case of #gastricbypassreversals …

 

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Important Disclaimers: WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS???

Nope… The above is an unfinished, crappy and nonsensical disclaimer.

I’m going to try again.

Important Disclaimers: I’m an ASBMS and ABMS board certified bariatric surgeon and also a licensed attorney specializing in tort law, where I concurrently hold licenses to practice medicine and law  in CA, MA, MD and MN.

Graduated high school at the age of 12, 1st in class at Harvard Law, 2nd at Harvard Medical School (which I had to sue, to block public access to my academic records and the age that I achieved them), surgical residency John Hopkins and employed as a physician at Mayo Clinic, while on sabbatical, as I just finished up my residency at Stanford, in Neuropsychopharmacology.

I believe though that patients and clients need both in person evaluation and plan of action by a licensed  practitioner   who oversees them in person…

Okay… Above 2nd attempt at disclaimer and CV is PURE fiction.

And was WAY more FUN to write!!!

As well as real life human stuff, as heartbreaking to write about, is way more interesting, at least to me, especially given the fact I’m doing this for free, but when I help be a part of saving someone’s life, that’s the reward.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor in public safety or law enforcement. IF you or someone you know is in medical and/or mental health crisis, please seek immediate help in an appropriate facility by an appropriate credentialed expert and/or contact emergency services.

Alright, 3rd attempt I got out what I needed to.

Now, I can start this blog.

YAY!!!

NO, not really!!!

It kind of sucks, that the activism that I’m good at, that my attempt to arrest bias and bigotry which can be deadly to someone, is like trying to empty out the ocean with a freaking thimble.

***

“Not many people would have the guts to admit that they would rather be PRETTY than HEALTHY… “-  the awesome fictional  Dr. Gregory House- from t.v. show House M.D. Season 5 Episode 10 “Let Her Cake”.

“All I need to start with, is patients who are ALIVE, in my specialty of medicine, and by the time my patients find me, they’ve already been quite medically and mentally compromised by medical interventions that were meant to help save their lives, if not make them much better off in quality of life, both physically and mentally.

And if that medical intervention failed them and most of the time, a ton of psychological duress, circumstantial trauma that proceed interventions that usually led to their obesity, and/or continue on after them and most of my patients due to stigma and how people have no idea of how pervasive and damaging Obesity bigotry and bias REALLY is, but horrifically still quite awfully, still so acceptable, unless they’ve suffered it, that the suffering by post bariatric surgical patients, in dire circumstances, pales against it.

AGAIN, even in bariatric surgical patients who had the most catastrophic bariatric surgical complications.

BECAUSE, no one wants to hear how Obesity bias, even by the most well intentioned person, whether they be a physician, family member or friend, can be soul crushing in certain circumstances and in others, such as in my specialty can be deadly to a patient, if not then cause them irreversible physical and psychological harm. ” ajk/UnstapledLisa

If you think so far, this blog is a wordy nonsensical trainwreck, like I am, think again.

Most people if they choose to do activism, especially medical, where to the degree that I am, that I am trying to help save people’s lives, they had to fight an enormous medical (and usually mental health) battle by the time they find me.

The reason why I posted above House M.D. clip, is that it highlights some of the biggest obstacles that I face when I help people when dealing with the medical and psychological ramifications of serious, potentially life threatening bariatric surgical complications.

It also in the worst way possible, shows why I will never NOT be supportive of a bariatric surgical intervention, as a last resort.

I get that House M.D. , is a fictional medical drama that’s meant to entertain.

Unfortunately, there’s quite a few of us, who have in common in the episode, with the character Emmy, where we’ve been told that we need a gastric bypass reversal to save our lives or dramatically improve it.

And while like Emmy, I found exercise to be a great thing for me, as I found I got endorphin highs with intense exercise, thought I could help others with their medical and mental health find some kind of exercise could help people and that’s why I got my certification, as a personal trainer, 14 years ago, that’s all that I have in common with her.

As in my case, by the time I was told by my surgeon who suggested a gastric bypass reversal was necessary to save my life, I was ready to die and I’ve touched upon where I was medically and mentally in 2010, at the time of my reversal and will blog update how I am doing almost 9 years status post gastric bypass reversal, shortly.

But not today.

This is the deal though, in most cases, it won’t help a bariatric surgical patient who had a long term positive outcome or even a person who’s bigger, who would never have bariatric surgery watch the video.

And it will be soul crushing for anyone who’s sensitive to fat shaming and thin shaming to watch the video and read the comments on You Tube.

And this is where we are as a society, as I know full well both personally and professionally of how damaging, if not deadly the pervasiveness of fat shaming can be to anyone, but especially when someone is already in medical and/or mental health crisis after a surgical intervention for Obesity went wrong and they find either my blog or me on the internet.

Because I am to an extent, practicing both medicine and psychology without formal training and licensing, while I consider people like that, “my patients” , in the way it matters the most (to help save their lives and I don’t tell them I think of them as patients, except now you all know) , I also ask of them to be under the care of physicians, surgeons and mental health clinicians, which usually by medical crisis alone, they are.

As while I can help them navigate the unchartered experience they are having, but I don’t have the experience to have their lives soley in my hands, I don’t have the right to do that to anyone (nor do they have the right to do that to me, as it’s a enormous responsibility), no matter how well intentioned I am, no matter how high the standards I have for their lives and care.

The above paragraph would be in direct violation ethically of everything that I try to stand for as an activist and someone who wants a clear division, as physicians, surgeons, psychiatrists, psychologists and/or all or any kind of licensed/credentialed professionals who have extensive education, training before they treat patients, is what a patient in medical and mental health crisis, bariatric related or not, needs the most .

Here comes the BUT why I still do it anyways (online ONLY and with major warnings about my limitations, by not only being NOT a clinical professional but that they will need care and support from their families, friends and the reversal community that’s now online but wasn’t when I had my reversal, as well as a professional credentialed care team of physicians, surgeons and possibly psychiatrists and psychologists)  :

After dozens of times of having gastric bypass (most of them, a few of had bpd/ds, vsg, adjust lap gastric band and open non adj gastric banding) patients tell me they have major complications and their labs are in the toilet, find me because they have no quality of life or think they are going to die and their bariatric surgeon won’t perform a reversal.

Even if they have other physicians in their care team suggesting it.

Because their surgeons are afraid of them getting fat again, in physician/surgeon speak “great concern of the co-morbdities Obesity becoming a factor in declining health”.

OR

Patients who find me, where their experiencing potential life ending medical complications and want to know my reversal experience and have no problem admitting they are terrified of getting fat again.

Remember, where I said at the beginning of this blog, about 1000 words ago, I need “my patients” to be alive???

There’s only a few of us, I’m guessing, I’m really the ONLY person I know, on the internet, who’s discussing in great detail, the medical and psychological ramifications of gastric bypass complications and reversals.

There’s others, but only a few, who blog and vlog about their gastric bypass complications and/or their reversals.

The House M.D. video, could really hurt someone, if they are researching gastric bypass reversals and see the video and/or  the hateful comments directed at fat people and bariatric surgical patients, if they find that video first without finding support that exists, first.

I’m not sorry though the video exists, it gives people a terrifying glimpse, if they care about human beings and aren’t aware of trauma that usually factors in to Obesity and Anorexia, not just in the bariatric surgical community, but outside of it. It just doesn’t tell people what led to their personal experiences prior to an intervention.

You can’t legislate or hate that away and when people are hated for appearance issues, especially when it comes it comes to bariatric surgical patients, those comments on the video, are shockingly accurate of the frequency and level of hate that people experience everywhere else on social media and online and off it, as well.

Not just from their peers and family but sometimes innocently and not so innocently licensed physicians, surgeons and psychiatrists who took an oath not to do any harm.

I shouldn’t be the only to be terrified, that a fictional diagnostic team, even with a ton of snark, in the end, handled a bariatric surgical patient in medical crisis, sometimes better than they are treated in real life.

Even in the most well intentioned people, physicians or not, who do not know how to appropriately address the complexity of emotions, as well as the complexities and medical and mental health issues, that have to  be addressed in this population of people, makes it so much harder on those of us, physicians or not, who are trying to save these patients’ lives with them having the best possible short and long term outcome medically and mentally.

I’m not saying that Obesity doesn’t provide a valid reason for their to be health discussions for prevention and treatment when it happens, if a patient wants it.

But Obesity is just NEVER an acute issue in pre-operative gastric bypass reversal patients.

Note: Constructive feedback is welcomed. Please don’t waste my time or yours with not honorable intentions. Thanks!!!

Edit Note: Update on 5/25, blog needs to be overhauled, I get that it’s kind of wordy. It would be less careless for me to pull it though until it’s reworked than for me to leave it up.

Unless you’ve had to on multiple occasions have to coach a bariatric surgical patient in crisis medically (and sometimes mentally) who even after a weight loss of 200 lbs, has a bmi of 20, but that’s only because they didn’t have any reconstructive, they have a clinically trained professional in their care team, whether it be medical or mental health not show a level of compassion or actually believes that Obesity is the acute medical issue in these patients, when it’s clear that it’s not, you’d understand better why I had to go and be so hardcore, of what at stake with all this body shaming both in the bariatric surgical community or where I’m having a conversation with someone is in recovery or struggling with Anorexia who thinks everyone hates them, including fat people, which isn’t the case.

And if you haven’t done this kind of work, you wouldn’t understand just how complex it is to try and be of some kind of help to save someone’s life, in these circumstances.

Just saying be kind isn’t enough, sadly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What every new mom or any mom NEVER needs after pregnancy or childbirth, but especially after #HyperemesisGravidarum …

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Important Disclaimers: I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, if you or someone you know is in crisis, please seek immediate professional help.

Also if profanity ridden rants, even to achieve an activism goal aren’t your style or if you can’t have children, you may not want to read this. Thanks!!!

***
What the FUCK is wrong with people???

Especially a certain population of people (well, in all fairness, in all communities now, they exist) people who can’t for some reason give unwanted advice that no one ever fucking asked for.

In this case, I’m talking to da Mommy Shamers/Bullyers.

Also in this case, I’m talking about moms with smartphones who’ve lost their fucking minds, in mean herd mentality , when Amy Schumer did a comedy show yesterday, a little over 2 weeks after giving birth to her first child.

The only thing I have in common with Amy Schumer, is that I’m Jewish, born in New York and had Hyperemesis Gravidarum in my pregnancies with my children, which is oddly the only thing I have in common with MY own mother, who is a much better person and parent than I was.

This is the deal of why I’m stepping into a fucking stupid fight that NO ONE invited me to.

Bullying and shaming can hurt people terribly.

It may not hurt Amy Schumer, it may not hurt me any longer, only because I learned after living most of my life being bullied from preschool to the present time, I don’t give a fuck what other people think of me.

Especially, especially, ESPECIALLY, if they don’t know me and they don’t have my best interests or that of my children, in mind.

And my children are old enough to let me know the rare times they get mad at me, to either by saying exactly what they don’t like about me and what they have to say or my parents, to me, is the only comments that will ever matter.

But, on the off chance you hurt another mother,  who’s trying to navigate after a horrible scary pregnancy and into new motherhood, whether it be her first kid or her fifteenth, here are some things you may want to take into consideration before you open your mouth or type something completely not needed into the internet.

Here is the insight of my pregnancies with my children, as a single never married JEWISH mother with Hyperemesis Gravidarum who worked full time:

HRH Zachary Aaron, age 26 1/2: Worked full time during customer service at a home shopping channel that rhymes with UBD. Was about a size 20 at the time of pregnancy. My co-workers who were female and had to hear me barf my guts out during the day at work in the bathroom knew how bad it was. Others figured it out by the PICC line that I didn’t try hiding in my 2nd trimester when it was summer and I wore short sleeves (like how dare I, with the ugly fat arms and all, right?)

Had one hospitalization in my first trimester, then I got my PICC and had a home health nurse at night every other day help me and was taught how to maintain the line when I had unhook it, to try and attempt to go to work.

By the time I gave birth to him, which by then the doctor who delivered him was convinced I was going defy medical science and barf him up in my 25th hour of labor, in a 2 week period of time, I moved out of my apartment, into with my VERY Jewish parents, got laid off of my job and had a baby.

I went to see people, as about a week after I had Zach, there was a get together of employees as we were laid off suddenly, they were looking at me, like they were expecting me to be THIN. I hadn’t gained any weight during my pregnancy, but I was pregnant, I didn’t have a fucking gastric bypass and have a baby, like I did with my 2nd and youngest child.

So that brings up pregnancy #2 with HRH Zoe Arielle age 16: I’m honestly NOT complaining ANYWHERE about my own circumstances or about my children, in this rant.

I got pregnant with both of my kids who I’ve always referred to as surprise blessings, they were never a mistake with bc issues (I guess in addition to having Hyperemesis like my Mom did, I absolutely fucking HATE talking about sex on the internet, possibly due to the fact I have both parents and children on here) failing.

But, I knew how scary and physically demanding a pregnancy was, WITHOUT fucking having a newly surgically altered digestive system, as I got pregnant with Zoe, 6 1/2 months after my gastric bypass.

By then, I also was working for a different company, a fucking evil health insurance company that rhymes with Benited Wealthmare. They had already tried to fire me, when trying to have my gastric bypass. I knew a problematic pregnancy in multiple ways would be hard on me, the baby and my son, who wasn’t thrilled at the age of 9 of getting a sibling, he had stopped asking for one, around the age of 2.

I was about a size 9/10 when I got pregnant with Zoe. I had to work, as I already had one child to support, while I actively sought medical care, it was harder to take time off for pregnancy complications and my employer wasn’t great about letting me throw up in the bathroom, either.

It took an epic battle in my 3rd trimester to get more medical appointments without risk of losing employment or my baby and to be able on doctor’s orders to start my maternity leave a week early and take the full 3 months and be able to return, with a longer lunch hour so I could go visit my daughter at her daycare to try and nurse her, which I would make up for starting early.

I also with Zoe when going into labor, she was in fetal distress and then I went into anaphylactic shock with my 3rd epidural and both Zoe and I nearly died.

Being a completely moron on how I went into labor with Zoe, I left my windows open as it was a fairly warm day in March. In fucking Minnesota. By the time we got discharged 36 hours later, my daughter went to my parents house, who lived a mile away from now what would be Zach, Zoe and I, went home, took a shower and because I didn’t gain any weight with Zoe either, was able to fit into my fitted clothes again and my chest region was huge.

It was actually easier to nurse Zoe than it was to nurse Zach, who I had to combine both nursing and bottles and I did that right from the start with Zoe, because I didn’t want her to lose weight, as it’s IMNSHO a FED baby is best.

Formula or breast milk, you do what’s best for you and your baby and I didn’t want a baby who couldn’t adapt to feeding either way.

But holy moly, I was fairly thin for me (which I would get even thinner and then fatter without being able to eat anything both before and after gastric bypass reversal).

Especially if people saw me for the first time, after I had Zoe but before I had a gastric bypass.

While I wouldn’t (nor would any physician or surgeon) recommend getting pregnant so soon after bariatric surgery, the one thing it taught me, was that my weight was my own business.

And that I fucking absolutely hated any, all and pretty much ONLY comments about my body and my  massive weight loss (and weight gain, repeat over and over again,16 years later).

Especially if my beautiful new baby and my handsome 10 year old were around.

But, if petty people would be gobsmacked because I actually lost a lot of weight, even though I had another risky pregnancy with a 2nd child, and due to another miracle, was completely healthy (and super cute and an easy baby!!!) by all means that doesn’t mean, I didn’t get a perverse satisfaction due to their pettiness.

Not to mention within a year of her birth, my complications were getting bad and while I knew we were going to get laid off in 2 months, because I had my 1st gastric bypass complication hospitalization, a few days after Zoe’s first birthday, they tried to fire me, when I returned to work, I threatened to sue and now I can say I got laid off from “Benited Wealthmare”, too, even though I’m not eligible for rehire (like I’d ever consider it.. fuck them)…

So this is my wordy ranty warning to people, if you think you are better person and better mother than I was, maybe you are.

But, bullying another mom, thinking they are indebted for  your fucking unasked  parenting wisdom and genius,  in the digital era, thrown in with any kind of snark of what a new or old mom, or anyone, looks like or does, if it doesn’t effect you or an innocent being, is really none of your fucking business.

And certainly not for you to judge.

Amy Schumer can most certainly defend herself and her provide more than most of us can, for her new baby.

As well as I’m sure her husband is an excellent father, too.

She doesn’t need me fucking  defending her.

But on the off chance the Mommy Bullying Squad does this to another mother, who can’t identify why they’re feeling bad, or they know they are in some kind of crisis that doesn’t look or isn’t pretty on the inside or outside, but doesn’t want or isn’t able to say how bad they are feeling due to stigma  and it has great consequences for a parent and possibly their children, you don’t want that on you.

Because shaming is hate, in any form, on the internet and off the internet and it potentially has horrible if not fatal consequences on others.

And I couldn’t just say that in a Tweet or without a lot of words, as a non monetized blogger who tries to help other parents in crisis not make the same mistakes I did.

There’s only a few words that should be acceptable when any women has a baby.

It’s either “Congratulations” or “or if you need any support or advice, I’m available”.

That’s it. Nothing else is helpful or necessary.

Oh, and if Amy Schumer wants to adopt this obviously adorable and charming 49 year old who has a ton of medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities, but otherwise is tons of fun ,as an older sister, I’m game.

Note: Nothing that isn’t constructive to another human will be published. Don’t waste my time or yours, ok. Thanks!!!

The #BeKindBecauseYouCantRewindHate Challenge…..

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Important Disclaimers: I am NOT a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety.

IF anyone you know, is in danger of hurting themselves or others, please contact emergency services, immediately.

***

“I’d rather be a little nobody than an evil somebody”- Abraham Lincoln

I haven’t blogged for awhile…

Sometimes, I get to the point with school shootings, domestic homicides and plots, if not attempts that are tragically executed to kill a lot of people, are now becoming a daily event, I’ve been kind of stewing in a lot of sadness for what our society is becoming more violent, on an hourly basis.

While in da olden days when I was young, when it came to anti-bullying efforts we were stuck with “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me” and we now know that neither about that adage is actually true, and we are trying now, to find ways to prevent all this violence and bullying going on, there’s one thing I’d like to suggest that might help.

I’ve never wondered why, as someone who was so bullied for so long and then that probably factored into mental health issues of why I didn’t hate others, I just hated myself.

I’ve blogged ad nauseum about the unintentional hurt it caused people I love, I don’t need to rehash it.

I never wanted hurt or harm to happen to those who’ve hated on me for the last four and half decades.

I just wanted it to STOP!!!

To help others, whether they turn hating on them inwardly or to others, the one thing I think that could help others realize that everyone has a right to a peaceful and violence free life, is trying to find one thing, and concentrate on that, about a person or a population of people, that one is predisposed to not like and find something kind, to think about them or something you might have in common, with like us being human beings and all.

That’s the only ONE part of the challenge.

The 2nd part is, while teaching kindness in our society and the sanctity of life, is just as, if not more important and imperative as it’s ever been, the second part is more of an actual challenge.

What and who you choose to find kind things to say about, keep it to yourself.

If you want to do something public, positive, proactive and productive, make your social media and offline spaces “hate-free” zones.

“The best way to destroy your enemy is to make them your friend”- Abraham Lincoln

Okay, maybe that’s asking too much.

Not everyone can be friends with each other.

But, WE all can make an effort NOT to make people their enemy, and have active hate campaigns, both in words and in actions to people, just because they are of different races, cultures, gender identification, religion, weight,ideologies and political affiliations than ourselves.

And it’s not terribly difficult, even with someone you may have major differences in almost everything with, to find ONE good thing about them.

And just concentrate on that and their right, just like your own, to a peaceful and violence free life.

Because, you don’t just have to choose from being a little or big nobody and an evil somebody, you can be your authentic true self, who’s not perfect but is a good somebody.

Just don’t participate in hate of ANY kind in the world.

“Whatever you are, be a good one”- Abraham Lincoln

 

Permanently Divisable???

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

While I’d rather be writing about that, in a broader sense, then again of  how drastically people are becoming so disconnected, distracted, damaging , if not dangerous, drastically, because of social media addiction and social media sociopathy.

I’m not saying ALL people on social media or those who are on it constantly have that problem.

But SO many DO.

And while I’ve made a small mark on the internet both personally and as an activist to make sure the things that I’ve done that were bad or crisies not with the realm of my control, were a learning lesson that people could learn from and not have to make some of the same horrible mistakes or gone through the same heartbreaking things that I have.

But I own what’s bad about me, stopping short of tattooing a warning label on my head about myself.

I keep to myself a lot, now.

For many reasons, many I’ve discussed in this blog this year.

While I get though that some of us with diagnosed mental health issues, have dysfunctional or abnormal thought processes,  most ARE NOT dangerous or damaging to others, if not ourselves.

And I’m REALLY sick of having to say that, over and over again.

And it’s disheartening to keep hearing  people online and offline of how casually they  throw the word “crazy’ around.

Like all people with diagnosed mental health issues are a ticking time bomb full of racist xenophobes who could commit violent acts of crimes, at any time, to any population of innocent people,  that’s if we don’t die alone from our addictions, first.

The truth is, most of us who have diagnosed mental health issues and know it, could never hurt anyone or those of us who have, it wasn’t permanent, intentional or with malice.

The truth is, someone like me, where I now literally stick out like a sore infected thumb externally because of my appearance, if I had it in me to put more effort in what I look like, most people, just by what I say, either online or in person, wouldn’t NOT know have any invisible disabilities if I didn’t talk about my private life.

I get away with it, ONLY and now,  because I’m not addicted to social media or a smartphone.

I find that TERRIFYING in dealing with others, now.

I have long term and short term memory issues, I have unmedicated Bipolar 2 disorder and no filter, most of the time.

But I still manage to be able to on occasion, when I am able to get out, to have an open minded conversation and connect with people, both superficially and meaningfully with people I have absolutely NOTHING in common at all, on ANY level.

It’s not like you really get any meaningful lasting  emotional reward for trying to change people into being more like minded like oneself, when there is no harm to oneself or others, for thinking or believing differently.

In other times, where people could find common ground and have a “agree to disagree” stance, most don’t have that skill set, any longer.

And most people don’t get, you can care about people, but not get lonely, especially nowadays where people, sometimes at best with not good intentions, but even with no malice but still “frenemy” in nature, , with those they don’t care about and even with those who they do care about you, but for the wrong reasons, if one is open about themselves, one’s vulnerabilities either use to hurt them, get satisfaction out of their heartache  and at worst, kill them.

Because saying whatever you think, at the exact moment you think it and what you look like saying it and when a lot of what’s being said is toxic to at least a population, is NOW normalized because of using social media for anti-social reasons and some people are unable to recognize those traits in themselves, even if they are fully functional people in so many aspects of their lives.

Or they know they are spreading vitroilic rhetoric but don’t care.

And it’s really hard to escape that kind of toxicity and hatred, even for people like me, who are self isolating and are rarely on social media.

As well as the damage that is being caused to humans on a cognitive level due to social media addiction, as well as physically.

I just hope we can find the good again in people and at best be apathetic to what we don’t agree on, wherever we meet them and just not bother with people that we may not have any common ground with.

And STOP throwing out the word “crazy” with stigma, just because you don’t agree with someone.

Even if they’re being a jerk at best or hateful person at worst.

As that MOST  of the time is a character defect, not a mental health one.

Even though all people have mental health issues at one time or another, in different degrees.

And it doesn’t help anyone for to meanly or hatefully point out that some of us metaphorically, are shacks with a fire ant infestation, who just want to be left alone or live their lives in peace or without prejudice, when those who recreationally or hatefully calling others out are mansions built on a toxic waste dump sites.

Let’s just concentrate for our sake on what we have in common with KINDNESS, before people permanently divide from almost EVERYONE, as NO any  two people, let alone a large group of people  have a completely shared beliefs and thoughts, in and about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

Note: I will NOT publish anything that’s not constructive. I’m all for lively dialogue, I’m just saying stop stigmatizing all bad behavior as mental illness and stop hating on one another for recreation and promoting an atmosphere where those who do have deadly rage due to rage and rejection, are more prone act on it, in the social media era. Thanks!!!

#StigmaKills – The Sexual Predator/Victim Edition….

http://www.rainn.org
http://www.thehotline.org
http://www.suicidepreventionhotline.org 1800-273-8255
http://www.befrienders.org

What I’m about to have to say, is bad enough…It’s actually tragic…

The current social climate I have to say it in, is ALMOST as bad.

In multiple ways, for multiple reasons. Let me explain…

Very, very, very carefully.

Because the nature of the activism that I do, is usually suicide prevention, oriented, while I blog about all things mental health, including rape and sexual harassment (especially this year!!!), I had worried and wondered when, not if, someone either an accuser or the accused would die as a result of this, either in the form of murder or suicide.

Well, let me clarify that. I’m already know that people have gotten murdered for raping someone else’s loved one, people have died in domestic rape and assault situations both victims and perpetrators and people who have been accused and or convicted or people who’ve been violently raped have died by suicide.

And maybe somebody has already died this year (either a victim or a perpetrator) but it’s been buried in the news, we are constantly bombarded with, even for someone like me, who’s rarely on social media and on limited platforms.

I hate to say this, as it’s of personal nature and it’s honestly NOT meant to be self serving and it can be potentially hazardous to someone’s emotional health, if I don’t choose my words carefully AND if someone doesn’t read them just as carefully.

I’ve already discussed about my own rape in 1996, talking about it in greater detail than I would’ve already liked (as I really would’ve not liked to have to talk about it at all) and I made my peace with it, in my own ways, a LONG time ago.

Only going public about it, in hopes to help others.

I would NEVER want to hinder the progress that the #MeToo movement has made, which was WAY long overdue, nor they or anyone is to blame for the nature of this particular blog, and that I need to make CRYSTAL clear.

But I’ve had to relive my rape way more in 2017, than I ever did in 1996, when it actually happened.

Over and Over again. Due to the nature of social media.

Okay, I can live with that.  And not die from it, either. And I’m not being glib.

But I’m only saying this, while the #MeToo movement was SO necessary, I can’t be the only one, where I’m glad that it’s occurred, but it’s also been a trigger, that I can be okay with, but be sensitive to the fact or just aware, that while those of us, who’ve had to survive trauma like that, want all stories to be told, but it’s causing some of us to have to relive traumatic events, over and over again, as a result.

I’ve done all the soul searching in my case, where other than it being a VERY traumatic life event, it hasn’t played into any kind of self destructive behavior, like it can for other victims of rape and physical assault, as I had the same vices going out of my rape, that I did going into it, that’s the only reason why I’m mentioning it, in this particular blog.

And again, I’m trying to choose my words carefully.

As I strongly believe everyone’s (victims) stories need to be told. And while my blogs, won’t ever lead to a national dialogue (which to me, is kind of scary to me, as I really have no desire to go “viral”) it does help people talk about things that are strongly stigmatized, which is my goal, even if it’s private or helps them get the help they need.

HOWEVER, as I said in a MAJOR blog that I wrote about Harvey Weinstein and victims of rape and sexual harassment, there needs to be a dialogue on how we can best all help ALL people.

Including the predators themselves. Whether it’s in prevention or rehabilitation initiatives, for those who ARE willing to get help.

IF you do the math, most women know another women, if not a man, who’s been a victim of sexual harassment and/or rape.

In my case, where I am an activist who deals with body diversity issues and while I’m not a a clinically trained professional, I’m already fully aware of that both people of weight and anorexics, it stems from trauma caused by rape, assault and harassment, regardless of gender, socio-economics, in every age group, relationship (i.e. familial,professional or stranger) and in every religion.

So, if most, if not all of us know, someone who’s been a victim of these crimes, we obviously know someone who’s possibly done this.

Even if we DO NOT know, that they’ve actually done this.

Or sometimes people do know someone who’s done this, that they love now, who has this in their past (or present), and they can’t tell due to stigma, nor can offenders talk about what they might have done in the past, that could currently come back to haunt both them and their victims.

And that could be a deterrent on why they don’t seek professional help, either for preventative or rehabilitation purposes, due to the potential consequences.

And I’m not even going to elaborate in detail, the conversations we aren’t having about those who are victims and predators, not in the public eye, where more discussion is needed to help eliminate if not reduce rape, assault and harassment, for those who don’t have anything to lose, like the people of power, who are celebrities, as well as that there needs to be more discussion on the fact that assault victims aren’t always women abused by men. Females can be predators of either gender, and at any age.

But the above paragraph, is another in blog in itself.

I was already thinking about the potential for both victims and perpetrators might already be prone to the potential of suicide, in the last couple of months and ironically had wondered this, as this morning, when I got a phone call from a friend.

My friend had a friend, someone I had met briefly, a few years ago, for like 2 minutes.

While my friend and I had talked about unusual behavior of this friend (i.e. no-show on a job of over 2 decades) a few days ago, I was extremely  concerned.

My friend had found out today, that their friend had died last week, due to suicide, due to concerns of a past sexual assault allegation, allegedly.

Now, I’m going way out of my way to protect everyone’s identity, as they didn’t ask for me to write this blog.

I’m only writing it, because now I know someone who’s died this year, from a perp perspective and I’m sure he’s not the only one who has contemplated or will do this.

But, because  I have a serious responsibility as an activist, to not only have a voice for those who don’t have one, but to make sure I don’t cause further harm, in this case, with this topic, to those who’ve been victims of a sexual harassment or rape, too.

We need to talk about this.

We need to have support services in place. That serve and help EVERYONE.

That it hurts people, whether you care about this, based upon whether or not you like or care about the outcome of the victim and/or of the accused and/or perpetrator of these crimes.

We can’t continue to try people in the court of social media, especially in cases for people who either are victims that come forward or perpetrators who are terrified of something like this going public, so they commit suicide because they can’t or they actually DO NOT see another way out.

I’m not saying that those who’ve committed sexual harassment or rape, shouldn’t have consequences, like people in power, who are in the public eye, or any perpetrator,like we’ve seen, such as losing their careers.

Or that they shouldn’t face further consequences, in a court of law.

But it shouldn’t be okay, that people are okay with someone dying for a grope, they did a long time ago, and felt so much shame, that they would rather die, than face their family, when being scared that it was going to come out, either.

And again, it bears repeating,  I’m NOT trying to do, in any way, any kind of sexual harassment and/or rape victim shaming, which I find repugnant.

But there’s a very good reason that sexual harassment and even more heinously, the crime of  rape, usually doesn’t come with the death penalty.

We need to talk about this more so that more people, even if they aren’t so innocent, don’t die as a result, while remaining respectful to their victims.

(I do need to say, when talking about the above, I’m not talking about predators/perpetrators  who have no remorse for crimes they commit and/or who are violent and/or habitual offenders, but it’s not for me, as an activist, to say what they are due as a punishment, either)

Otherwise, there are going to be more families, blindsided, like this particular family, who now has to deal with the aftermath of a loved one who tried and convicted himself and then killed himself.

And there will be also sadly, victims of rape and sexual assault, who due to the nature of social media bullying having to be buried, too.

Note: Please ask for clarification, if one is a victim of sexual harassment or rape, before making any negative assumptions about this blog.

Also, comments that are not constructive in nature, will NOT be posted.

IMPORTANT Addendum: There are things I need to say, a little over 36 hours after publishing this blog, that I can’t go back in, without “muddying” it, even more.

One thing that I’ve tried to make clear not just in my activism in talking about rape and sexual harassment, but other mental health issues, is about the possibility, if it’s possible, with initiatives and open dialogue for PREVENTION.

Prevention of suicide. Prevention of rape and sexual harassment, as it applies to this blog.

As we have taught kids, from the time they are young,  how to describe and identify a “a good touch” versus a “a bad touch”.

But we haven’t done nearly enough in both kids and adults is talk about more means on how to prevent in the first place, so it doesn’t start at home, doesn’t  end up in schools or on the grounds, in a park, places of worship and in the workplace, to name a few.

I knew when I wrote this, it’s too soon to discuss this, though even though a couple of hours ago, a Kentucky congressman died due to suicide among allegations of molestation of a minor child.

And while I feel sad for the family and friends of both the victim and the congressman, as well as more victims that will come out and truthfully, more accused and/or perpetrators might die, so I stand by what I say, there is something else I have to say, that I would’ve rather not.

Most of my blogs, sometimes talk about the issues I’ve been up against, because I’m limited in what I can say about those I love the most.

But because it has relevance, I’m hoping that I will be forgiven, but I want it understood from the victim perspective, I get the enormous amount of damage and pain this topic causes victims.

My 14 1/2 year old daughter has been a victim of sexual harassment, groping by a peer and bullying.

And while I was a suburban kid, while I was bullied anywhere I went at her age, by words, I could take the bus, to lets say, where I live now, in Downtown Minneapolis, because then it was fun and less physically unsafe thing to do for an unaccompanied teenage minor, like it is now.

While my daughter lives in a upscale neighborhood though and she can be trusted, we live in a society, that many cannot be trusted and for that reason,she is very RARELY left or allowed to be alone, in a public setting, because of what she’s been through, as it applies to the bullying and harassment.

So if there was any doubt from a victim’s perspective of my not being extremely sensitive and empathetic, I hope there isn’t now, because I don’t think of just my daughter and son, I think everyone who’s been a victim.

 

 

“It’s NOT fair/Bad Example”……

lisa1010smoking

You wanna bad example??? Or examples of things NOT being fair…

I’m not writing this blog for my subscribers, it’s to respond to comments regarding my weight, where for a refreshing change, as it applies to some in the bariatric surgical community.

Versus the “fat people” hate, I’ve been getting lately…..

Here are your trigger warnings: I talk about intentional weight loss, so if that it’s a trigger or profanity, please don’t read.

HOWEVER, if you’re like some weight loss surgery peeps who like most people can’t figure out how someone almost 16 years post gastric bypass keeps off some weight (a little over half, at this point) and are confused what my 2nd bariatric surgery was, I’ll make it crystal clear and through in some proof, and I’ll hopefully I’ll NEVER have to blog about this again.

So, I’m minding my own business, today (like I do EVERYDAY) . I’ve been homebound last couple of days due to not feeling well, when I get an email regarding my gastric bypass “reversal”.

Well it was an email reaming me out by someone who had bariatric surgery around the same time that I had my reversal and was calling out me out on the fact that I have kept off some weight (at this point over 1/2 excess and regain, which by bariatric surgeons’s standards makes my gastric bypass, a SUCCESS, as the usual universal standard for bariatric surgical success, is keeping 1/2 excess weight post operatively…Heh)  and they had gained all their weight back by their 4th year post operative gastric bypass  and was looking to have a revision, even though they said they had been fairly compliant.

And had found me both on ObesityHelp.com and my Facebook page and had an issue that I could exercise and eat what I want, but that I was playing with fire, eating carte blanche and ruining my surgeon’s efforts to not only help me once, with weight but TWICE. As they didn’t believe I was reversed, but revised.

I am not saying the above with any judgement, as far as weight gain, post operatively. I know from being in the weight loss surgery communities now, for almost 16 years there is so many factors, that play into weight regain.

As well as my own experience with gaining my almost all my weight back, starting almost 7 years post gastric bypass due to psych meds.

The specifics and timetable of complications, regain and “reversal” are covered in many blogs on here.

I usually support the weight loss surgery community as a long term peer, best through OH.com. 90% of what I have to say is to help others, is received positively, including and especially from OH.com staff. The other 10% is really negative from fellow bariatric surgical peers, purposely misconstrued because I think my “reversal” status, if a bariatric patient can believe it, scares the HELL out of them, and that I get, if they are not emotional terrorists about it. Or my issues make them feel better about themselves, which makes them an emotional terrorist, picking on me, for no reasons.

While I support people who’ve had complications and/or reversals , through my blog, Facebook and OH.com, OH.com allows me to give advice when people ask for it, as a long term peer, even when they didn’t have complications, but the many different life adjustments that happen life long post weight loss surgery.

And UNLIKE most of my peers who’ve had nearly life ending and life ruining complications, I’m weight loss surgery positive, with ALL the weight loss surgeries, including gastric bypass.

Because while I know people who’ve died waiting for a serious medical intervention for bariatric surgical complications, I also know people who died for weight related health reasons who died WANTING, more than anything, bariatric surgery.

This is what I don’t understand. NO ONE is forced at gunpoint to read ANYTHING I write on the internet.

I go out of my way, for free, given all this free time I now have, that I NEVER asked for, due to multiple complex medical, mental and cognitive disabilities, to try and help people, the majority of time I’m on the internet.

I admit, I wasn’t perfectly compliant. I was a moderate smoker, at the time of my gastric bypass, who NEVER quit. That’s it. I didn’t drink alcohol, I take/took my vitamins, ate with compliance and exercised.

I didn’t ask for a gastric bypass reversal, which is what I had. I had to have one to save my life and to maintain what little life that I would have, should I live through my complications, should the reversal work.

And guess what??? The only thing that is not even guaranteed, is that one will most likely live through their reversal vs. die from their complications. Or have somewhat of a better health outcome, because no one goes into bariatric surgery either thinking they will have complications or weight of a starving person, or in my case, where I was heavier than most people reversed, the labs of a starving person, multiple complications and a primary reason for reversal was so I didn’t internally bleed to death.

And before any weight loss surgery peeps blame me as a smoker, while I don’t advise smoking, I know people who smoked a lot and drank a lot and never had a G.I. bleed.

I don’t go to anyone’s spaces on the internet, tell them what they are doing wrong with their life, how they should look, behave and weigh.

All I’m asking is for the same fucking courtesy…..

You wanna know what’s not fair, as it applies to me, as well as my family, is that I was compliant.

That I should’ve been known as a bariatric specializing Certified Personal Trainer and successful small business owner who was a mother of 2 and loves her kids more than anything.

Not the trainwreck that my life became post gastric bypass, epic nervous breakdown and suicide attempt in 2008, that makes me NOW, known as the wordy reversed chick.

I will try to help almost anyone, with anything I can, as far as my time, to help, restricted to online.

But please don’t be a bariatric surgical peep telling me that life post operatively from a gastric bypass perspective, was fucking more fair to me, it was NOT. Even though I’ve heard stories and supported people who had it worse than me, and if they lived, they don’t go around telling others how unfair it was, compared to other bariatric surgical outcomes that didn’t have complications. Or people who had not as many major ones.

Not to mention those who did die from their complications.

Not all reversed gastric bypass peeps can eat like I can. And guess what, I can’t eat carte blanche, but I can eat somewhat normally, after almost 7 years post reversal and that I’m grateful for.

And am not going to apologize for that. Or living the little life that I have, without micromanaging my weight and what I eat, for the rest of my life.

My bariatric surgeon in early 2010, during my 1st hospitalization of that year, when I was begging for a revision, wouldn’t revise me, due to the extent of my complications. 6 months later when he brought a reversal to save my life, he made it clear, that was my only choice to live and while he never made one negative comment about my weight (as he understood meds played into my enormous regain, without being able to eat much or keep down what I ate, due to those bleeding ulcers).

As well he NEVER suggested any type of non surgical weight loss treatment, but did it make it clear, that if I’d gain a lot of weight, I’d most likely be ineligible for ANY of the bariatric surgeries, regardless of how much I weighed (if I’d become morbidly to supermorbidly obese) or if I’d develop co-morbids, but I was more at risk for dying due to how I responded to a perfectly performed rny.

So that’s why I make some effort to keep some of my  weight off. And don’t feel like I failed the world at large or the bariatric surgical community that I’m not thin, any longer.

I’m really fucking sick of having to explain all of this. Over and over again.

And of all of the judgement people have NO problem throwing my way.

I get that there are people out there, who have to I guess blame, bully and bother complete strangers that NO ONE is forcing them to pay attention, to.

I’m not even fucking asking, for people to pay attention to me.

IF you really care about what’s unfair, how about kids who get cancer and killed in schools??? Or about both children and adults who lose loved ones due to illness, accidents, injury??? Which is what I’m kind of really stressing out about, mostly. Among other things. I live 2 blocks away from a level 1 trauma center, which I hear the sirens all the time.

And here in Minneapolis today, an innocent person died due to being at work and people were injured when a school had a gas explosion. And it feels worse to even have to think that if that gas explosion occurred 6 weeks from now, it would’ve been catastrophic.

So hopefully that clears up how I feel about people having no problem harassing me, in this case about my gastric bypass reversal but trying and being able to keep some weight off.

And if you don’t believe I had a reversal, here you go:


There’s no coding for gastric bypass reversals. The above should tell you anyone, even though it’s really none of their fucking business, and certainly not to judge, if discredit, my medical history, that I’ve only been forthcoming about my medical and mental health issues to help others.

Although if you’re going to do something so shitty, like others do to me about my reversal and regain/keeping some weight off issues, better to do it to me, than to someone who’s possibly in both medical and mental health crisis and you could seriously emotionally harm.

I’ve lived through enough shit that while I don’t love all the inaccurate assumptions about my life and life choices, I’ll be okay.

Someone else, though, may NOT be. Knock this kind of shit, off……

Seriously!!! For those who do this kind of crap, shame on you!!!

Note:  You can’t defend the hate and hurtful comments that I and others like me, receive in these instances. Don’t even try. The only reason why this is being blogged is that I’ve gotten enough crap about all aspects of my weight and bariatric surgical outcome and I”m really fucking sick and tired of it.

And have a right to defend myself and others like me, who may not have a voice……

And if for whatever reason, people can’t see how toxic they are, when they tell people who didn’t ask them for input, about why someone, post operatively is able to keep weight off, when they can’t, feel free to ENJOY(for the wrong reasons)/RESENT/THINK I’M THE UGLIEST WOMAN WHO’S UNFORTUATELY FOR YOU STILL ALIVE of the pics of me living my life and what I look like to being okay looking to horrifically sick, when it’s been HELL to life when it was great, but at least I’m ALIVE (pics, at all different weights in the last 2 1/2 decades), in my previous blog, that was meant for those who hate on me, cause I’m too fat….

Also note, when a blog that I really shouldn’t have had to write, requires me, to go into my medical records and it’s something that’s painful for me (also discussed in many other blogs) for an hour to hunt “proof” of having a gastric bypass reversal, I had to edit blog within 90 minutes of publishing, for clarification of intent….

Picture Palooza (for my haters) …..

Unbelievable!!! Of just how much HATE I get for what I weigh and what I look like…

I can’t figure out for sure, if I’m getting out, of what I put in the digital universe, as far as hate on me for what I look like and what I weigh at times (which fluctuates) given the fact I support bariatric surgery, support people though not to have it, as well as not fat shaming or that people have to lose weight to be accepted as size and fat acceptance advocate and I abhor thin shaming, just as much as I hate fat shaming.

I will NEVER understand how people hate on others, not before the digital age and certainly now while in it.

For people who like me for what I try to do to dispel stigma or like me, because I’m like a human being who wears a metaphoric “hair shirt” on the internet for free, so people might benefit from things I at times, learn the hardest way possible, I’m not looking for compliments, and I appreciate your support.

I hope I NEVER have to do something like this again, this IS pathetic (not me, MY HATERS!!!)

Where to find me:

Facebook-   Lisa Kasen Facebook profile is public, not dumb enough to allow non Facebook buds to be able to comment on posts…

Twitter-   UnstapledLisa

Instagram-  unstapledlisa

ObesityHelp/oh.com- LisaK/UnstapledLisa

Bariatric Pal-  Lisa Kasen/UnstapledLisa

Pinterest- unstapledlisa

LinkedIn: Lisa Kasen

I could only wish that people would find me, because they had good intentions, but whether intentions are good or bad, I’m rarely on social media!!!

 

 

 

 

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