I haven’t blogged for awhile. While I have had things to say. I haven’t really had the right words to say them. I figured whether the right words came to me or not, I’d give it a try.
Most of my Facebook buds know that I do not go online on Fridays. I normally don’t, because I need a break from social media. I need a break from the activism that I do that’s so serious and mentally draining at times, for self preservation.
I like to Netflix binge on my “Fridays”. Right now I’ve just started with “Grey’s Anatomy”. A show that I have never seen since it premiered on network television.
It happened to be, that in the middle of the 1st season of Grey’s Anatomy that I was watching yesterday, there was an episode about a young lady who had a mother who was a perfectionist and would harp on her about weight. So as a THIN young 17 year old , she went to Mexico and had a gastric bypass and that’s how she ended up in the Emergency Room at the fictional Seattle Grace Hospital, needing a gastric bypass reversal and a small bowel resection to save her life.
That episode REALLY messed up the enjoyment, I usually get from taking internet free days and putting me back into activism mode. But it also messed me up personally, because in the last 4 years, since my gastric bypass has been reversed, I’ve had to put up with a lot of hate and/or confusion of why my gastric bypass was reversed, given the fact I was heavy again, but I definitely didn’t look like I was starving to death (my labs of essential nutrients and vitamins proved otherwise, even though I didn’t have absorption issues with calories anymore). And those pesky g.i. bleeds were going to kill me. Which they would’ve and I would’ve died in 2010 had I not had my gastric bypass reversal.
But somehow, for someone who’s been fat since they were young, I understood better than anyone would think, that I’m sure that thin people have gone to Mexico, to have weight loss surgery because of fear of being fat. I understand better than anyone why a lot of fat people have weight loss surgery and why for multiple reasons that it’s life changing, in a good way for them. That has NOTHING to do with their physical health. And I can’t blame them.
And while I understand and am committed to being a size acceptance and fat acceptance advocate, it seems like as more time goes by, our society gets even more fat phobic. That we are conditioning people at such a young age to find fat AND fat people, repugnant. It’s not getting any better, as far as acceptance of body diversity issues. It’s getting worse. OR we are pegging women of different body types against each other. It’s not any more acceptable to me to thin bash, than it is to fat bash, and I was thin bashed at my thinnest or my weight loss was denigrated in some manner because I had that “RISKY EASY WAY OUT GASTRIC BYPASS ” (my weight loss surgery peeps will get my sarcasm, even though most of the world won’t, ESPECIALLY if they’ve never been fat).
I, unlike my Fat Acceptance peers, can’t accept the word “fat” as easily as I claim. I am not being a fraud when saying because life long bullying being called fat and ugly, while I DEFINITELY don’t think everyone who’s fat, is ugly (but I don’t have a great love for the term “BBW”) , I definitely feel that way most of the time. I’ve had WAY too many years of horrible bullying both as a child and an adult, to current times, being bullied for being fat (and ugly) , to ever accept the word as a descriptor and not take it as judgment that I have coming to me.
And if I guess my being honest about how hard it is to be a Fat Acceptance activist who takes personal issue with the word and how it makes me feel and it subjects me to more hate and/or criticism, so be it. I am not trying to take away the acceptance of what other people have for themselves as it applies to Fat Acceptance, and I definitely see a need and I think I can understand better than anyone why there’s a need for that as well as be a good body diversity activist. The best I can be…
BUT… I have to be an HONEST one.
And I’m realizing that for as much as I’ve tried to do good in all areas that I do activism for, that I have a ways to go. In certain things, especially as I’m almost 45, I get things more than I don’t get them.
But, I just don’t get the war we have on our own bodies and psyches and other people’s bodies and psyches.Actually I DO. I think that’s what’s most disheartening.
Sadly, the personal issues I have with my weight and looks, EVEN THOUGH I’VE DONE EVERYTHING TO TRY AND LOSE WEIGHT,AND AM STILL TOO FAT AND NOT ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH have NOTHING to do with my mental health issues.
They have everything to do with a society, that’s getting worse in telling me, that NO matter what I’ll do, it will NEVER be good enough. And that is sad, given everything I’ve gone through, that having 101 problems, that my weight, looks and age, is a problem. For me…..
That has no resolution except for me to ACCEPT it. And EMBRACE it. Even though I’m constantly told mixed messages not only from myself but EVERYONE else that anything I’ll ever do or look like, will NEVER be ENOUGH.
And what is actually NEEDED, so that myself and SO MANY OTHERS, stop feeling this way????……