I’ve also FUCKING had enough of body and looks shaming in my offline life….
The acronym DUFF will mean 2 separate things on this blog….
It will either mean Designated Ugly Fat Friend
OR Disabled Ugly Fat Female………..
Both in using to describe how I feel in society, at times or by peers, justifiably so, as it’s not just my body dysmorphia that’s driving this, it’s what strangers and peers tell me about the appearance bullying that they’ve been subjected to. What others say and as well as what kind of looks I get, as well as others, when out in public. And because I’m not alone in being treated this way, I decided to make this a blog and do activism for, rather than just rant about it, privately.
I was a VERY busy girl on Saturday. However because of one of my health issues, which is literally being allergic to the sun AND humidity, the second I leave my house, whether I take an effort to get ready or just shower and throw clothes on, whether I’m outside for 5 minutes or 5 hours, on a hot sunny day, I look like I was left in an oven at 550 degrees, for about 6 hours.
It’s embarrassing, and I’d be lying, if I didn’t say that from April to November, unless I’ve stayed inside all day or only have gone out for a few minutes at a time, where I’ve been in air conditioning places, I will profusely sweat, due to allergy to sun and heat sensitivity.
There’s NOTHING I can do, to prevent this. It’s a medical health issue and it’s getting worse as I get older. It has NOTHING to do with my weight, as I didn’t have this problem with sun sensitivity or sweating too much, at my heaviest before or after my gastric bypass. And after for how many times I’ve nearly died for medical reasons, I refuse to hide myself.
Anyhow, I had a busy day on Saturday and ended up going out Saturday night. By the time I went to a bar to meet friends, I’d been up since 3:30 a.m. , early Saturday morning and I had walked 2 miles from my house to the bar, I had gotten 9 miles (which most of them, by then, had been in the sun and humidity)in walking, by the time I got there.
Now I know I looked terrible. It was further reinforced when a few picture taken of me with others, from Saturday night, was posted on social media, which did upset me, earlier this afternoon.
The pictures were not posted with malice, they weren’t even about me,while I made a comment that I didn’t love how I looked, I defended it.
What I didn’t do, though, is describe all the looks I got, when out and about , during the day and at night. Which is my norm, especially during the Summer. As I live in large busy city, and I never fail to attract negative attention, both in looks and in comments made to me, when I get out. .
I’ve discussed this before in other blogs. What I haven’t discussed in great detail, is what and what not to do about it, in conjunction with putting a definition on it, such as DUFF in public and DUFF in one’s personal life.
This is the way I look at it. If taking potshots at people, whether it be online such as a picture like following featured below, makes one feel better about themselves, it’s not another person not being attractive to another, that’s the problem, it’s society thinking that it’s right to hate on people, based upon appearance and for people who are devoid of a soul that they get satisfaction in bullying others. And I’ve seen hundreds of pictures, if not more, like the one below, if not more, since being on social media.
I could say as an activist, that people should be more disgusted about their bullying and/ hating on people for what they look like on the outside, but in the era of Facebook and Instagram, that ain’t gonna fly. As we’ve all seen the memes that sometimes will talk about inner beauty, sometimes the same people who are prone to post a picture like the one above, who talk about the importance of being beautiful on the inside and not the outside.
Because they are FUCKING mentally defective, (which is not the same as mental illness, which I’m an activist for) morally bankrupt, hateful HYPOCRITES.
However……….. Facebook is called Facebook and NOT Soulbook, for a reason. And a lot of times that reasons aren’t in the best interest of people. Whether they are a supermodel or they aren’t considered being physically attractive.
As much as it sucks and sometimes hurts existing in a society that judges me and others about appearance, it’s sometimes for some of us, a hundred times worse, when the DUFF definition, becomes personal.
Meaning you have people in your life, where they either get some satisfaction that they are more attractive then you are or that you have looks even a loved one or someone you care about, not only can’t love you for, but actually straight out or subtly hates on you for. Whether they are straight out or subtle in their perverse satisfaction of being considered (whether it’s perception and/or they are more conventionally attractive) more attractive than you are.
This is my personal philosophy about this. And I’m NOT sorry to burst anyone’s pathetic bubble about this. I am NOT jealous of people who are more attractive than me, in my personal life, including some of the models (some of them who would NEVER do something so crappy and are just as beautiful on the inside as the outside) friends that are naturally beautiful, regardless of weight and those I’m friends with that I have who had a better outcome post weight loss surgery than I did. I’m happy for the good things that happen to people I care about and sad for the bad things.
(Note: For those of you in my personal life who’ve done this to me, especially subtly, I know who you are and this is your notice that I don’t think highly of you and/or you have something so pathetic about yourself, that I haven’t cut you loose. YET…)
But this isn’t just about me. This is about people who are broken on the inside for being on the outside, not considered conventionally attractive. As I’ve said before even Caitlyn Jenner said about trans bullying, what others think or say about me, won’t break me. I’ve survived too much shit, in my 45 years, to let haters and bullies have a shot of breaking me, even if it does hurt my feelings at times.
This is for the people who are broken because of pervasive bullying based upon looks.Who don’t have a voice or don’t even think they are worth being defended, which they are worth it.
You don’t have to own, anyone’s negative opinion of you. Especially when it comes to circumstances, such as looks and weight, which is superficial (I’m NOT discussing or debating the “Obesity” argument with this blog, it’s not necessary or appropriate to debate fat as a potential or current health issue, in this blog). and isn’t a reflection of your beauty, but others’s internal ugliness.
It is true and it took me a long time to understand that “Others opinion about me, is NONE of my business”. And if you can accept this, you will spare yourself decades of grief, that I’ve had to go through being bullied, to finally realize that I don’t have shame to bear from not being conventionally attractive. And neither does anyone.
Think about it. If a stranger is doing this to you, why do you care what someone who has no idea of what you are about, and doesn’t care about hurting other people, that’s not people you give any rent in your head and heart, to. Even if it’s human nature to care, try a little harder NOT to care. In the scope of your life, these people are NOTHING and should be nothing to you.
While it’s harder to put up with appearance bashing whether it’s subtle or intentional, from people who may be close to us, especially if they show in other ways that they do care about us, as people are complex and multi-faceted, this is something that NO ONE has a right to hate and/or bully someone for. IF you can’t discharge the negativity of that aspect of those people, then you need to get them out of your lives. But don’t let someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart, in ways that matter the most, keep hurting you like this. It’s a shitty thing to do to someone, being done by shitty people.
I hope this helps others, as well as create a dialogue of why this happens in the first place. As this goes beyond trying to make money about people’s insecurities, when people are subjected to this by society and their friends and family. While it wasn’t totally altruistic in nature, it needed to be said not only from a personal point of view, but as an activist.
Because it can be life ruining if not life ending, to be subjected to hate and bullying about appearance, that goes beyond weight or race and the internet has made it even a more difficult playing field for people who are bullied for this reason.
And it needs to STOP. NOW….
Important note: Appearance bullying is NOT gender specific. Unfortunately both genders are equal opportunity HATERS as well as targets for hate and bullying…….
Note: As always, I welcome other people’s life stories, as well as a difference in opinion, if shared respectfully. If NOT, your response will NOT be published…