As I spend the last day of my being 45, I’m kind of in a pensive mood, not just what’s been good and bad about this year, in particular, but in my life in general.
My 45th year while NOT perfect, as I am getting physically sicker and my pain levels are getting higher (I have persistent severe chronic pain, both localized and widespread) and my memory is getting worse, was probably the best year I’ve had, in the last 10 years (as far as not fainting , projectile vomiting, falling everyday etc, I still get stuck as far as a really bad health day but when I still was with my children, of whether or not to qualify life being better, now).
And for that I’m grateful, as it’s nothing short of multiple miracles, that I’m still alive.
While I never thought 10 years ago, the little I’ve accomplished, would be such a big deal, I remember what my life was like 6 years ago, and what I was ruminating about on the eve of my 40th birthday, where I still was so sick physically, still in the system and had NO hope and NO happiness. And very little freedom.
As I’ve said before, I didn’t need the learning lessons from 2007 to 2010 to be grateful for what and who I love the most. But it did increase my gratitude for the most basic things, so what I went through wasn’t totally in vain.
I don’t look at myself being in competition with anyone. I’ve finally had to let go of just being in competition with my former self, as I did kick some major ass in multiple ways in my past, and while I’m sad that the best years of my life are over, especially as it applies being a Mother, that I still am trying to live a meaningful life, as much as I’m capable of.
I proved to myself that I’m capable of more than I give myself credit, this year. I exceeded fitness goals that I had set earlier this year. I went to Las Vegas, by myself 2 months ago, and was able to be a little proud of myself, for being able to get around, only being able to count on myself. I realized I deserve good things sometimes, not because I need the distraction, but because I’m not the horrible person so many people have indoctrinated in me, in the past, from the time I was very young.
I wrote more blogs in my 45th year . I also though, for self preservation took more time off of social media, which is a good thing (I’ll elaborate more about that in an upcoming blog) as while I love the positives of what social media brings to my life, the negatives can be a trigger to depression and anxiety for me, something I’m already prone to having, a lot of, it just can make it even worse.
As I’ve said before, there will always be a a part of me, that has to be rooted in the past, to have the best shot of retain memories (especially my life as a Mother of 2 amazing children) that can’t be explained of why I’m still having problems that are getting worse, with long and short term memory retention,when I’m over 5 years status post gastric bypass reversal.
My complex medical, mental and cognitive disabilities are unfortunately going to ensure that I take a few steps forward and then a few steps, back. And I’m NEVER going to be an eternal optimist, as I’m just not made that way.
But I am trying as hard as I can, to do the best I can, for as long as I’m capable.
Happy 46th birthday eve, ME……
Note: My last blog was written while I was in the middle of writing this one. It could be construed I’m double speaking but I’m really NOT. I can be grateful for my life being better than it was 7-8 years ago, without wanting to live another 60 years.
Above selfie taken on 10-1-2015 @ Stratosphere Hotel and Casino