It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Posts tagged ‘activism’

Ugly Hurts………

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXXQLa-5n5w

Official Beyonce/”Pretty Hurts”…. No copyright infringement intended

Image

I just heard for the first time, a couple of days ago,  Beyonce’s song “Pretty Hurts” and it blew me away both the song and video being hauntingly stunning and raw…. 


“Pretty hurts, we shine the light on whatever’s worse, perfection is a disease of a nation… Vogue says thinner is better…… You’re trying to fix something that you can’t fix what you can’t see, it’s the soul that needs a surgery”…….

   I wasn’t going to at first give either Beyonce or her video for it any credence before I saw her video and heard the song for the first time. For someone who’s been horribly bullied for being fat and ugly from the time I was in pre-school to the time I had my gastric bypass which was 3 days after my 32nd birthday (I’m almost 44 1/2 now). The desire though to look and be perfect which was a big deal when we were young has never been a bigger deal now in our society for both young girls and women.

I am not saying that people who are considered beautiful don’t hurt inside. Whether they are thin or not. It’s just easier to be beautiful and thin on the outside, in our society. Doesn’t mean it’s any easier for people who are thin and beautiful on the outside, internally. Or that thin people don’t get bullied. I still recognize this even though it’s not a problem I’ve ever had (well I did put up with some thin bashing at my thinnest).  You might get a pass for being fat if you have what’s considered a beautiful face. You’re kind of FUCKED, in the era of Facebook and Instagram if you are neither thin or beautiful.

I titled this blog “Ugly Hurts” for more than one reason. I’m an ugly looking person with an even uglier life story. I thought pathetically that being fat was the worst thing to happen to me, for the longest time. Which I’ve gone into deeper detail in other blogs of mine on here. Then also  as stated in my first blog on here, at the age of 38 1/2 in 2008, I had my first psychiatric hospitalization due to suicidal ideation. I had gained a lot of my weight back that I’d lost from my gastric bypass when initially I had my nervous breakdown the year before due to medications I had been put on. Because I did try to commit suicide 10 days after my first hospitalization, after I gave up custody of my children, where they lived in a filthy cluttered house the last 2 years they were with me due to hoarding,  I nearly got committed to a long term mental health hospital during my 2nd psychiatric hospitalization. Even though I didn’t get committed, I still ended up in the mental health system for almost 16 months.

And I still had medical hospitalizations due to gastric bypass complications while in the mental health system.  I’ve been living on my own since January of 2010. Because I continued to have gastric bypass complications that continued to get worse, more hospitalizations and I nearly died a couple of times, my gastric bypass was reversed in 9/2010 and because I got more sick then “Obesity” could ever make me or  posing a medical threat to me, my bariatric surgeon did NOT revise me to another bariatric surgery.

However my medical and cognitive disabilities are still getting worse. My mental health issues have to be controlled by awareness, as clinical professionals have deemed it’s not in my best interest to be on psych meds, any longer or have ECT and living independently with medical and cognitive disabilities  is almost a full time job in itself. The damage though that has been done for wanting to be beautiful  while never expecting it,  is very visible in me on the outside even though most of my disabilities are internal. Being eating disordered most of my life. My gastric bypass complications that while I’ve managed to still get fat again, the long term severe nutritional deficiencies, aged me and made me even uglier on the outside. The thousands and thousands of times I’ve thrown up due to bulimia the 10 years before my gastric bypass,  pregnancy related hyperemesis and gastric bypass complications, fried my hair, skin and have all but  destroyed my teeth. Not only is it humiliating to have to worry about what comes out of my mouth as far as words, it’s humiliating of what my teeth look like due to decades of erosion from vomit .

I carry a lot of shame for a lot of things. Despite of everything that I’ve gone through that carry shame, that are considered just to be superficial.  I actually wrote a blog a couple of months ago that talked about the mini internal nervous breakdown I had when I saw Sports Illustrated’s 30th Anniversary Swimsuit Issue. I figured that would be relatable to a lot of women, who’d I hoped would spare themselves, reading the magazine. Because of what the lyrics of “Pretty Hurts” says. In the magazine, not only does it shows all the supermodels looking gorgeous, regardless of age. But it just sets a dangerous precedent for women, kind of like what Beyonce does. Women not only have to be beautiful,be thin, successful, we also have to be really smart, have an amazing sense of humor and be wealthy, regardless of  our age.

 What I had wanted to say that is so damaging to most women, unless they are featured in the magazine. And it’s probably damaging to them, too, in the era of Photoshop. As most of those models are exceptionally beautiful without Photoshop, but without Photoshop, they don’t even look like that. So we’ve managed to set such stringent standards of beauty that even most supermodels aren’t capable of.

I never published that blog though. Because while I could relate as a single mother or as a woman who had a “normal” life with a lot of responsibilities at one time, who worked full time, had her kids full time, drove a car and managed a household, it was never enough. I still wasn’t pretty enough. And then once I became thin enough, I got sick (from my gastric bypass complications not my weight either thin or fat). Not only did that change the playing field for me, it totally took me off of it,after many years of being physically sick. I had all I could do survive still being so physically sick, psychologically disintergrating and so heavily medicated and then being in the mental health system.

So I never published that blog.  I didn’t think coming from me, at this point in my life, I’d have ANY credibility. Not to mention that after everything that I’ve been through, that if all I agonized was about my weight and my looks, after everything I’ve lost in ability, that would make me a superficial imbecile. Not to mention I’m an “armchair activist” when it comes to serious matters such as medical and mental health activism, anti-bullying, body diversity.

However, I’m still human. And female. And I’m on social media. And while there was a time that I could do better as trying to my hardest to conform to what society and the media says I have to be a worthwhile woman and mother, I can’t now. Both in what I am supposed to be doing and truthfully what gets to me, is sometimes what I look like and how much I weigh.I’m the antithesis though in both what I do and what I look like when it comes to perfection. I’ve gotten to the point that every time that I try, it takes so much effort, that I rarely even try anymore. I’m kind of suspended between multiple worlds as I’ve said before. My old life as a single mother with 2 children that I love more than anything who was fat at one time then thin. Who had a bright future at one time. The isolating and ugly life that was my life temporarily in the mental health system. That people who’ve been in the mental health system can’t relate to me and people who haven’t been in it, or have the complex disabilities that I now have,can’t relate to me either, that makes my life so small. But I get it more than I don’t. I don’t live with any delusion or any denial. So as tough as being a perfectionist is, which I tried and failed at, so long ago, so is being a realist, now.

I do make an effort to advocate and be an activist. I don’t want my daughter who’s a tween to measure her self worth by what she looks like and what she weighs. I don’t want her to get bullied or be one. Because it’s Mother’s Day today, I want my Mom and my sisters to know I never meant to fail them either. They are beautiful inside and out. Smart and productive people.They are amazing mothers, daughters, sisters, friends and aunts.  My failures and shame are not theirs or a reflection of them or a choice that I would’ve consciously made. And that I’d give anything to change. What I can do in abilities, of being able to make them proud of me. And yes, of what I look like.

And  I’d be lying if I didn’t fess up to the fact that I have the ugliest of hurts. On the inside and out. Both justified and the superficial. For my social media peers or anyone who feels shame on what they look like, how much they weigh or they don’t feel they will measure up, this is what I want to leave with you, with.

You are much more then the sum of your parts on the exterior, the size of your clothes and how much you weigh on a scale. There is beauty in almost everything and all of you. And there is people who see it, even if you don’t. So change the criteria you use to measure your self worth, OK? What you all have accomplished can’t be measured in a photograph or by a scale. For how many of us still do that, maybe we as women can help each other, not do that to ourselves anymore.And ask for help if you are struggling if not drowning, emotionally.  And maybe others, society and the media can stop being hateful to those who they feel fail miserably just because they can’t ever measure up in unrealistic and impossible standards of beauty that are imposed upon us.

At the same time, it’s ok to feel good about yourself, if you’ve made changes in your exterior whether it be weight or how you look. It just isn’t something that should just be your proudest moment or most defining thing about you. You are so much more. And you’ve all accomplished so much. As women. Some of you as mothers. Professional and personal accomplishments. And if this helped, either in articulation of my sadness about my failures, especially this Mother’s Day, then maybe I’ve accomplished something that I can be proud of. And this Mother’s Day I will be celebrating quietly and by myself, the fact that I’m grateful for the amazing women in my life. My amazing beautiful, smart and wickedly funny Mother who I’m so lucky is alive and my sisters who’ve done so much for my children, their children and for a lot of others.

But most of all, I will be celebrating that I was blessed enough to have 2 wonderful, beautiful, smart and healthy kids. And while I do most of my celebrating and honoring by myself and from afar, that if I can’t help them, I can do my part to try to make this an easier and better world for them to be in. Especially my young daughter.

Note: Picture I used for this blog, is not one I’m actually very proud of. Because I get used by some people in the weight loss surgery community as an example of bariatric surgery failure, as well as others, I did at one time put a picture up of my “before and afters, because I was fed up about it, at the same time I’m both very angry at myself and a society that continues to only measure my worth in what I look like and weigh The picture to the very left, was taken 3 months before my gastric bypass in 12/2001. The 2nd picture to the left  was taken Summer of 2005, at my very fittest. The picture 2nd to the right, was taken in October of 2009 when I had gained almost 100 lbs back, after being on so many psych meds even though I still couldn’t absorb major nutrients and had horrible ulcers which contributed to the bald spots in that picture,. Sadly, most people only see how fat I am. They don’t realize how physically sick I still was, before my gastric bypass was reversed. The picture on the very right was taken 8/2012, almost 2 years post gastric bypass reversal.

The right of way to write?

   Or, do you have to write the right way to be able to um, write??? Or at least be taken, seriously???

   It took me 3 years to launch my blog for multiple reasons. First, I had to survive 2010 and um, like NOT die. Then I had to get mad enough to realize that while I don’t love my cognitive disabilities, that I can’t let my barriers be a barrier on what I want to achieve, even though I’ve discussed in past blogs that I never imagined, 10 years ago that the scope of my life would be this small and how much less capable I’d be, even with the awareness that I know it’s nothing short of a miracle that I’m still alive and that I have the little cognitive function I do. 

  I knew what I had to say and how I said it would equally not be well received to a lot of people. I knew my cognitive disabilities that make it impossible to think in a logical sequence of order, not be concise and my inability to write something and not violate every rule of the English language, would even a larger barrier then talking about aspects of my life that were both ugly, horrifying and humiliating but necessary to talk about. As I have said before, it’s a mixed blessing that most people with my medical and mental health disabilities, do not have the awareness they have them.

   There just  came a point where I just couldn’t contain my activism on Facebook. I knew what I shared in private groups whether they were mental health, severe chronic pain, weight loss surgery or size/fat acceptance based that while 99% of people couldn’t get some of my perspectives on things, that 1% who did, were so grateful I was willing to be a voice of things people didn’t want to talk about. That’s what made me decide to put what I had to say on WordPress, not waiting any longer for someone to help me trick out my site or help me write or edit what I had to say…

   I was not shocked for how much hate I’ve received on what I’ve had to say or how I say.it  I was more shocked on how supportive people were and how many people reached out to me to tell me their life stories and reach out for support. That they were grateful someone was willing to put themselves on the line and give a voice to talk about things that carry such stigmatization in our society, whether it’s mental health, size and weight matters, bullying and medical advocacy. While I’ve made it clear that I’m not a clinical professional, that nothing I should say should replace medical and psychological professional support, I do feel honored with a lot of things people have entrusted me with, sometimes sharing it for the first time, because of they felt shame of the secrets they’ve carried too long.

   So if nothing else, that’s what makes writing this blog, “worth it”. As there’s no money that I’m making. It’s not for my ego that I’m writing it for. It’s to bring awareness and give my perspective on things that matter to me. I can’t of course, though in my case, be in serious activist mode all the time. I also can’t limit myself to one subject or cause I feel passionate about. 

   I will ask this again. If we cannot judge a book by a cover, why or should we judge a writer on how they write, if what they say has relevancy, it’s just not said sometimes with a lot (OKAY, ANY) of clarity?

    I’ve said this before on social media (I’m a creature, and a creature of habit, so that would be Facebook as Tumblr and Reddit , I just can’t get the hang of) I will not be deterred in saying what I have to say. What I have to say,as I already realize does NOT have relevancy to the whole entire internet world at large, and I realize that. It’s just sad though (and yes, I’ve gone back and re-read some of my blogs and gotten a migraine from my wordy and ranty book size blogs and ok, my eyes might have bled once or twice, too ;)) that some will not give either people a chance or discount them based upon superficial criteria when it comes to both intangible and tangible matters.

    So, I am so screwed with the people who I only have one shot to make a good first impression. Or am I? Can that be changed for some? I’m glad that I’ve never been that way and that most of my digital media people have not been that way, either. Hopefully this will help those of you though realize what you could be missing out on, by not being more open minded or at least being less critical when it comes to those of us who do have barriers in writing well or articulating ourselves, concisely or help others that you know who do carry these kind of prejudices with people who have my kind of disabilities.

   As I think I have proven that doesn’t mean there’s an absence of ability to think in intelligent thought that may be beneficial to one, if you give someone or me a chance, and others and myself are worth the effort and you might be pleasantly surprised the return on investment of your time, with those of us who are harder to read, but have merit in what we say…..

     As my friend Jessie Valentine says, “I write for passion not for profession”… I just want to know why I can’t do both with my disability sets????

Questions about this blog for discussion….

1. I am friends with a bazillion (yes, in my world, a bazillion is a veritable word and an a great word for quantification and if I am being delusional on this matter, and I’m digressing big time, I don’t want to know) point is, I have a lot of friends who are professional writers. They write well both in how they write and what they have to say. If you have in the past or currently prejudice about those of us who chronically abuse the English language both in written and speaking form, has this blog changed your mind about how you view some of us?

2. In talking about the catalyst that made me finally launch my blog, is there something that you feel a deep need to be doing but you aren’t doing yet? What is it? And why aren’t you doing it?
2.

 

Haunted/You’ve Got Time…

http://youtu.be/bLXIiMJpdUg
Note: No copyright infringement intended with Regina Spektor’s song “You’ve Got Time”………..

****Again, I cannot stress enough, I am not a clinical medical or mental health professional. I talk about major topics that are not suitable for sensitive and vulnerable people who are adults. This blog is not appropriate at all for any minor child. I am currently still working on getting an editor as well as help to re-design my site, my problem is and it will be very clear early and mid blog of why I can no longer wait on topics I feel the most passionate about but nothing about my blogs is an “easy” read both in topic and in my writing skills due to my cognitive damage, please use caution on whether or not this is an appropriate blog ****

I’ve made mention on Facebook lately, of my love/hate relationship  of Halloween. That probably has to do with being a fat child and the fun of trick and treating and being eating disordered from the time I was a young child . It has to probably do with the fact as an adult, that while my 21 year old son had a Mother who took him trick or treating, volunteered at all his holiday parties at school while in elementary school, had seasonal traditions, my 10 1/2 year old daughter has very little holiday memories  as she has not lived with me for 5 1/2 years now that I’m not raising and I wasn’t the best person to take care of her the last 2 years if not longer of her life when she did live with me. And my son who’s 10 1/2 years older then his sister was old enough to witness what was happening to me and had a completely different mother and it was horrifying for him to see me decompose mentally…While I’ve had to somewhat make my peace it’s in her best interest and she’s very happy, healthy and thriving, living with my parents,  I can’t not help be haunted that while I did make some mistakes so much of what happened to us should have been prevented some how and I can’t help my and the systems that failed my children not continue to haunt me and what it did to the rest of my family.. Much more so then how much I was bullied on Halloween and all year around both as a child into adulthood…But so little of the positive stuff I was able to do for all 3 of us happened before my daughter could have any real memory of it. She doesn’t remember going to Florida or Wisconsin Dells. Or our seasonal traditions that happened outside of our house before she was 2, when the majority of that took place…I remember Zoe’s first Christmas (we are Jewish but I’m digressing) but I cannot remember her first Halloween. I remember taking her to Valentine’s Day Dances and volunteering at her preschool but in my case I have no control of what I remember and what I don’t anymore and that scares me the most….Halloween or not….

But speaking of things orange and black…. How about that show “Orange is the New Black” on Netflix???  I didn’t pay attention to the original buzz, truthfully. I think part of it was fear. And it was for good reason…I just started watching it and pretty much consumed the whole season in about a 2 week period of time, a couple of weeks ago…  I found the show groundbreaking and fascinating like most. I also found a lot of relatable aspects if you read my original blog on here. So the horrifying parts, were truly horrifying as I lived some of it….I’d see people smack the shit out of someone for no reason and I was lucky while threatened with violence it never happened physically. I’d see people take a shit  or piss on people and in places around the group homes. I also saw people when bringing up concerns of mistreatment (such as myself) get unfairly punished for it the 15 1/2 months “I did time” in the mental health system…..

Even though the show is fictionalized, I am sure that the stories that come out of that show is someone’s truth…. My 1st blog on WordPress (I have a blog that I haven’t written much for a long time now, about my gastric bypass reversal on Obesity Help which is extraordinarily kind of them to host, given the fact that site is very heavily bariatric surgeon supported, and the owner of the site was kind enough to check in with me to see how I was)  was primarily about my Summer of 2008, a little before it and a little after it both my life and the blog itself being a trainwreck….

So the hate relationship I have with the show is that while that summer and the events before it and after it, is haunting me, especially as of late, part of me wants to know if I can pull a “Piper Kerman” and somehow figure out a way while staying true to the activist I want to be, of somehow making money and bringing awareness to mental health issues and giving a voice to those who have none. Especially for us who end up “doing time” in the mental health system. But I have a bunch of cognitive and neuro issues that are not just irreversible but progressively getting worse due to the past obscene amounts of psychotropic drugs  I was on. Due to the long term severe nutritional deficiencies from my gastric bypass complications  that also played a large part in the damage I sustained. Why it’s getting worse when I’m not on those meds anymore (not my decision, both my Primary Care Physician and more then one psychiatrist have said I could not be on those meds or have electric shock therapy and live independently, but more about that, later)

My life circumstances like Piper’s are quite unusual. Other then the severe depression that comes with being bullied one’s entire life for being fat, I was extremely smart, and came from an upper middle class family and a  productive member of society. I kept jobs for a long time and worked to make money from the time I was a teen if not younger. I also did volunteer work which required me to mandated reporter when I did volunteer work before my kids in a domestic abuse shelter on a crisis hotline but had a lot of interaction with the residents when volunteering. I also facilitated before my daughter was born, for years, a single parent support group. Both volunteer and in a paid capacity for the single parent support group. I was a mandated reporter who was required by law to report cases of child abuse to CPS which did happen in both positions that I had to call them as well as I had participants in my group who were court mandated to attend my support groups. To end up on the other side as a parent, 12 years later  with a Child Protection Services AND an Adult Protection case for being a hoarder at 37 and nearly getting committed after my “one and only” suicide attempt in 2008  and nearly getting committed at the age of 38 1/2 , which led to 15 1/2 months in the mental health system and in group homes from August 2008 til the end of 2009.

I put up with an enormous amount of crap in the last several years doing the advocacy and activism I do as a medical and mental health activist and as a long term weight loss surgery peer for support but also as a size acceptance and fat acceptance advocate. The details of exactly why I do this have been mentioned in my past blogs and will still continue to be a theme for future ones. I also  get a lot of criticism about my advocacy and activism both because of what I choose to advocate for and the fact that for someone who had an apocalyptic breakdown, it gets questioned on whether or not I have the ability to do this effectively and without risking harm. I do try to safeguard my readers by disclaimers I’m not a clinical professional as well as by having clinical professionals read my blog.

I’m not trying to play a medical or mental health professional on Facebook or the internet at large. Again a lot of systems failed me without me being the total victim. They also fail a lot of people. My honesty with my weight loss surgery complications, support systems that should’ve protect my children and I when I physically and then mentally started to disintegrate, have helped a lot of other people. Also note not all my medical and mental health issues are due to my gastric bypass nor did I or my surgeon have any inkling that I had the problems I did based upon my ability to be as functional as I was.  I’ve had a lot of people privately reach out to me with their most painful aspects of their lives, by sharing what I have and have gotten help for their sakes and that of their children. I’ve also because of trying to remove stigma from mental health issues whether it be suicide or hoarding, help people understand who have had to live with that, to get the support they need and realize that lots of times because one cannot make rational sense out of irrational acts especially those who have loved ones who are mentally ill, they understand better they did nothing wrong by being in those circumstances and a lot of times those who hurt them didn’t mean to, as much devastation having to live through that caused . Both before launching my blogs and especially after…

It would be enough. But I still kinda  want to do more. I get accused a lot of having the time that I do to think about things, of having too much time on my hands. I also get assumption of underestimating of what I exactly do with all the time I have. A lot of time I do have is spent on doing advocacy of some sort. It also though takes an enormous amount of time to do the most basic things now with the disabilities I do have. Severe chronic pain diagnoses with cognitive brain damage and un medicated Bipolar 2 disorder make it hard sometimes within a 17 hour period where I have to get out of bed, because of pain, of do anything but be online to distract myself from pain but not do anything else so I don’t fall. It can take 6 hours from waking up to get a glass of water. It can take 45 minutes to make  a tuna fish sandwich (and I usually cannot eat within 3 hours if not longer when I wake up due to my gastric bypass complications). Not because I have the luxury of “you’ve got time”….. I have to prepare myself mentally if I go out by myself because I have a falling history and because I have waivers that allow me access to clinical professionals if certain things I fall out of whack, such as I can be  horrible with money (other then rent)  that I can’t accumulate too many incidents that prove I’m not capable of managing my own affairs. My life as a proactive single mother of 2 who worked full time and ran a functioning loving  household with children in activities was a lot easier, believe it or not, then my life is now. I could do so much more then with a lot less effort…

While I complain a lot like the fictionalized Piper on the show “Orange Is the New Black”, there are certain things that people when they’ve had their freedom of choice taken away for any period of time,  will never take for granted. I’m glad the real Piper Kerman as much as she’s chosen to reveal of herself, is awesome in the advocacy she does and it’s similar to reasons  why I do my advocacy and activism. To give a voice to something that is of a real issue that no one really who’s gone through it wants to talk about it because of the stigmatization. But we can’t help NOT talk about it, because so many people who go through the system of any kind, have so much shame. And there is so much abuse in it. Some of it by fellow peers, more if it is by people who run the system and safety mechanisms that are supposed to keep us safe which from both a victim and activist point of view is very hard to understand being failed by those systems and people who should be protecting the vulnerable and defenseless…

I’ve had the choice taken away  of not being able to leave a place. To go outside. To eat what I want. to smoke a cigarette.  To have to account for every action and everything I say. To have to take medications that were clearly ineffective in having any therapeutic benefit but caused both enormous physical and psychological damage but that I mal absorbed any potential for anything other then that I was zoned out.( But not zoned out enough to know while I didn’t belong in the system, I wasn’t initially after my suicide attempt to be in society on my own with my children or without them, that was reinforced when I physically got sicker after I got out. Also a very important note, people who are court ordered to take meds sometimes think they don’t need them when they do. That decision of medication management in the mentally ill can never just fall solely on the patient for that reason) The fact I don’t have to be accountable to everyone in my daily life is a big deal that most people will never ever realize how once that is taken away, that it’s never taken again for a minute, for granted EVER again.

At least in my case where it’s a mixed blessing to have all these cognitive, neuro and psychological disabilities, damage and barriers but have the awareness that I have them so I am not a safety hazard to myself or to others. It’s very difficult to do this un medicated. I am lucky I have the waivers that allow me the support services I have as a safety net.   It’s not realistic though  that I’ll ever have the health I need to raise my daughter like I hoped I’d get her back in 2010 once I got out of the system, but then nearly died a couple of times due to my weight loss surgery complications that led to my reversal. I can’t drive a car again. If it came down to it, where she had no one to raise her but me, I could do that lovingly and legally (my parental rights were never taken away from me as I gave up custody of my children prior to my suicide attempt) but not without a lot of help. I guess I for self preservation figure that I hopefully took all the “hits” so to speak that if I can’t raise her, someone in my family can.

It’s very hard to write these blogs when everyone in my life is so private in my family, as well as in my private life. My children know I blog and I have their blessing, my daughter is too young to know what I blog about so that is why I am blogging about this and my son is 21, now but still ok with it. She does know I blog about what happened from a medical perspective of why she doesn’t live with me anymore. Because I can’t raise her, and for my self preservation, I’ve had to stop playing “what if” about so many things. I didn’t choose to have the chemical imbalances that I do. I didn’t choose to have the predisposition to be eating disordered from the time I was a very young child. I didn’t choose to be bullied and not know how to defend myself. I didn’t know this when I had children that I had pervasive mental health issues. And if I knew this, I wouldn’t have risked having them, so it’s a good thing I did not know as much as I’m never going to be at peace that I wasn’t able to raise them to adulthood and support them in any fundamental way and I haven’t been able to for years now. But I love them more then anything and I’m glad they are here, and so are they.
Going forward I can only hope while I still have the capacity is try though in my small way to do the advocacy and activism I feel passionate about. I don’t want my daughter or my son  or anyone’s child  or any adult to live in a world where it’s ok for people to mean or violent to one another. It can’t be our normal that we live our lives dependent on digital devices and then use them to create harm if not death in people. It can’t be our normal where we stigmatize and victimize the vulnerable but non violent. Initiatives have to be in place to safeguard and protect people’s physical and mental well being. I want to be a part of those initiatives. While I can’t defend in any way violent nature, for some strange reason I can understand it, even if I’m not capable of perpetuating it.

People become hateful or apathetic to both strangers and loved ones alike. Both horrific intangible and tangible abuses are becoming every day news events that even the kindest people for self preservation have  to  develop selective amnesia so we don’t live in a society that has daily life PTSD, in this modern but very violent world of ours as much as there is still a lot of good in people. But it  can’t be our normal regardless of why people abuse and kill that they continue to do so without some kind of major initiatives in place in evaluation, intervention and treatment. That those who are capable of life ruining, if not life ending actions of re-directing the ability for harm to do good. Life isn’t a really cool violent movie or video game. People get harmed and killed because of their apathy or hatred towards another human being or wanting to commit revenge if they’ve been harmed themselves.

Not everyone can be saved but more people can by awareness and wanting to do something about it then pretend it doesn’t exist because of fear. Just think in the last 12 months of how many adults or children did not have to die, if major initiatives were already in place. Invading people’s internet privacy is not going to change this. Trying to figure out people’s mindsets and why sometimes even the most loving and caring people are snapping and having initiatives in place for redirection and rehabilitation  is the ONLY way this is going to stop…I’m not afraid to talk about taboo subjects. I am not afraid to develop a dialogue with people who have horrible intentions towards another that if they feel so strongly of the harm and destruction they create, why do they do it in secret, I just obviously can’t do this of my own accord only as part of an initiative. I don’t believe much in as a mental health activist as a defense “not guilty by reasons of insanity”. I don’t understand that where people are losing so much hope in human life that they feel they have a right so horribly misguided that they take those who they say they love, their right to life whether they think they are doing them a favor or doing it out of revenge. I’ll never understand why people do that as many of us do not unless they are the tops in the psychiatric world, that doesn’t mean non psychiatric people can’t work with psychiatric professionals on finding out why people do this and redirect that devastating energy to do positive things or at least be apathetic but not to the point where people don’t value which should be a right to a peaceful enjoyment of life.

Lastly, because I hear this so often about others who resent the time I have and are busy on digital devices and multi-tasking, if you accidentally kill someone while operating a digital device when you are doing something that requires your full attention, you’ll have all the time in the world to be haunted by a careless mistake that turns into a tragedy for not just those you harm or kill , but yourself and your loved ones. Please keep your focus at tasks that require your full attention on the task and put the fucking digital device away or have safety mechanisms in place if you have to talk to someone and do something like drive at the same time regardless if a digtal device is a distraction or not….No one has ever regretted not spending enough time on a digital device when they are needed for other things that require their full focus. A lot of people have an enormous amount of regret (this is also going to be a whole separate blog) for actions or neglect due too much time on it, myself included…
So here is my 4th blog for ya…. It’s kind of a lot at once…. While none of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time, I’m guaranteed for sure not to have the time I would like. That’s why I can’t put off things like this that is so important to me. I want to make a difference, I have an idea on how to go about it…. The little delusion I allow myself to have is that as poorly as this is written, the thoughts articulated are significant and that it goes viral because it has the potential to help a lot of people…..

The little delusional self serving side of me, is hoping there is a book deal and that Jenji is going to try and come in contact with me….At the same time of course it scares me to death, too…      But the truth is, I just hope that if nothing else, the fact I’m haunted by not having a indefinite period of time to get what I want accomplished, that something about this helps people. The fact that I’m still alive, that I can read and write, that resonates with this. If I would’ve died in 2008 or in 2010, there are so many memories for as much as I have forgotten, I wouldn’t have any. I also wouldn’t have the opportunity to do this… Life is precious and no one has a right to take someone’s peace of mind, let alone another life….

*** Discussion questions for this blog or just to think about… You don’t have to answer all or any ***
1. Are disabilities of another especially mental health or cognitive enough for you to discount what someone says?
2. What are you are fears about talking about mental health whether they are personal opinions you have, such as those of us with mental illness that some life instability has the potential to adversely effect you somehow?
3. What do you do to foster your best mental health and that in those you love?
4.  Did anything regarding what I said about my societal fears resonate with you or do you resent it or do you think I’m being an alarmist?

Bonus “lighthearted” questions to ponder or answer ……

5. With Piper’s character on OINTB did it ever strike you if Carrie Bradshaw, if you were a “Sex And The City” fan ended up in prison, she’d be just like the “fictionalized Piper” or better or worse in the whine department? 😉
6. If you watched either  show, who is your favorite characters and least favorite  and why?
7. If I’d ever get a book deal or  show about my life  which would probably would be called ” Crazy Is The New Cool” (and that can only happen if I find someone who will write it, would you read or watch #CITNC 😉 note: There are a lot of aspects of mental illness that are not funny whether it’s harmful to one’s self or to others . But if I didn’t crack a joke at only MY expense, I’d cry all the time. I’m not mocking any aspect of mental illness at all in any other individual, ONLY making a crappy but kind of funny joke about something not funny as I can’t be in uber activist mode all the time……

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