It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…



Trigger Warnings/Disclaimers: I say some very strongly worded opinions in this very serious blog.

Problem with my normal serious blog disclaimers, in this instance? It involves a drug addicted mentally ill man who murdered one police officer and shot 2 others, and shortly after he died and there’s some talk about some misdirection in the 911 call that led those police officers to the home, that the officers were shot at.

I’m saying what I am, using strong language and an unusual controversial opinion, in hopes that it can potentially prevent such horrific tragedies from occurring, again.

Maybe not all of them, but I have to start somewhere, as well as in my case, I can get away with super controversial strongly worded opinions with less consequences, than most people.

And if anything I can potentially say, can possibly save one innocent life from being taken this way, I’m going to try, as an activist but non clinically trained professional.

I just heard, given not being on social media much, about a news story that’s starting to go viral, about 3 Clinton, Missouri police officers that were shot when responding to a 911 call.

From what I saw in both the CNN news article and then local Missouri news, when I went to do more research, they were shot by a man with mental health issues, in a home that had methamphetamines.

30 year old Officer Christopher Ryan Morton, a war veteran, was tragically killed and the other 2  officers injured.

The meme featured above, was kind of on purpose.

As someone who advocates for removal of stigma that goes along with serious mental health issues, with or without addiction of any kind of drugs, illegal or not, I CANNOT and WILL NOT defend  ANY mentally ill addict who murders a police officer (or anyone else, for the matter) in ANY way for ANY reason.

It goes way beyond that.

I wrote a blog that I NEVER promoted, about a year ago, stating that if people who have mental health issues, rage issues and/or drug addiction ones, find themselves in crisis and will NOT seek immediate and intensive help, which I beg of people in crisis who are at risk of hurting themselves and innocent others, but can’t or choose not to, I just wish they would just  kill themselves, ONLY.

Seriously, why can’t we talk about this more???

The last thing I want to encourage as a mental health activist who concentrates on suicide prevention, is to encourage suicidal ideation, in innocent people.

BUT,  I have NO have a problem with encouraging just suicide, in people who are capable of murdering another, if they can’t be prevented (and/or rehabilitated) in hurting or killing innocent others.

It can potential save innocent people’s lives, to realize not everyone can be rehabilitated.

If rage, mental health and illegal drug addiction and illegal drug dealing, leads someone down a path where they are a risk of hurting innocent others, that’s the most NOBLE thing they can do, is just to take themselves out.

I’m not saying my heart isn’t hurt a little bit about the innocent people, that the murderer left behind and the little his family has been mentioned, I don’t think they realize you can’t love or legislate addiction and/or serious mental health issues away, nor behaviors that can tragically lead to innocent people being murdered.

I know as an activist, where I’m lucky I’ve NEVER been tested in dealing with people who find me as a result of my blog, where they may be in medical or mental health crisis, but they are sadly, only potentially at risk of hurting themselves, which if they are acutely suicidal, it’s not something I would even try to help them with, in those cases, I find out enough about them, to contact emergency services in their area.

As well as urging anyone I help, to be under the care of both medical and clinically trained professionals, whether their circumstances are acute or not.

But this isn’t about me, other than saying controversially, that anyone who is capable of murder in cold blood an innocent person whether it be in a domestic situation, school or workplace shooting, a domestic violence situation or in this case, a police officer, kill yourself ONLY.

It’s way more noble to do that, than to not only kill innocent others, but because they and their families won’t be the only victims, the family and friends of the murderers are collateral damage, too.

My heart is broken for his family and friends,  Clinton, Missouri, as well as the men who were injured in this shooting and the family and friends of the officer who was killed that Officer Morton, took his place in the Clinton Police force.

Note: Again, I make NO apologies for what I’ve said and how I said it, OTHER than if it offends those in mourning for the families and friends of this fallen hero officer, the officer of the injured.

IF you can think of a better way in trying to think up of ideas that might help in prevention of these senseless tragedies, I’m amenable to a dialogue.

IF NOT, then feel free to say what you have to say in your own social media spaces or blog/s.

As I will reiterate one last time, as someone who thinks more liberal about other serious topics, I do believe in the death penalty and I don’t believe in people getting off on murder charges due to mental health reasons and drug/alcohol addiction, whether they were plotted for a long time or in the heat of the moment, as exhibited in this blog or past blogs where I’ve discussed the tragic murders of other peace officers.

And unfortunately, there is way too many murders of innocent people or heros like Officer Morton, where they tragically are murdered and their killers die, right after.

And if they don’t, I’m NOT sorry that I don’t think they should be shown any mercy, whatsoever.




Disclaimers: No serious disclaimers, just another blog trying to be more personally positive, in my own unique way.

So, this recluse as of late, has been home since Saturday afternoon.

The last thing I did before coming home, but after I finished running errands by myself, after I went out to lunch with my boyfriend, was buy lottery tickets for Saturday and tonight’s upcoming Mega Millions drawing, as they are on the huge side, although as a poor person, I’d appreciate winning $200, let alone over $200 million.

I already know it’s 1/2 that and it would be less, if you go for a full payout versus the annuity, but hear me out and then answer in kind, of what you’d do, if you like.

When I bought the tickets, the guy asked me what I’d do with the money.

I said it wasn’t a hard decision, because I have people who I’m indebted to with endless gratitude, that no matter how much money I gave them, it would never be enough to repay them, and that I’d split it equally in favor in that way.

And that I’d start a non profit, to help other complex disability patients.

The guy smiled at me and wished me luck.

And it’s true, I’d do exactly that.

I do have debts of gratitude that I’d never be able to repay, to my kids, to my parents, to my sisters, to my nephews and to my boyfriend.

And also to my primary care physician of over 18 years, but I don’t think she’d take any money from me, so I’d donate to a charity of her choosing.

So 1/6 to Zoe, 1/6 to Zach, 1/6 to my parents, 1/6 to my younger sister and her kids, 1/6 to my younger sister and her son and the last 1/6th would be split between my boyfriend and myself.

And yeah, I’d like to start a non profit but ain’t going to lie and say I’d do all good with the money. I’d probably build a nice house on some land or buy one in my daughter’s school district.

I’d do fun stuff for people who were nice to me on social media who never had any expectation other than doing something nice for someone.

So that’s where I’d start.

Wish me luck as Mega Millions drawing is an hour…

And I’d like to hear what and why you’d do with the money, if you care to share.

Note: Again, this is meant to be a light hearted blog.

No need for lectures or hate, OK?


Editorial Note: Updates I thought that took place before publishing didn’t, so I apologize for any confusion, as while I’m usually to blame for not being clear, in this instance it was WordPress and my device, to blame.

Although I did as a recluse, manage to leave my house for over 4 hours and totally forget my Fitbit Zip, cause I’ve been home so much. So for my social media peers who follow me on there or Facebook, which I’m not going to be on for awhile, it was better for me to not worry about going home to get my Fitbit Zip, but just continue being out and about, with my health issues, just worrying about concentrating on my own personal safety.


Disclaimers: There aren’t any or many, given the fact that this blog is personal and it’s meant to concentrate on what’s the best things about our lives. I might put restrictions at the end, only because I’m not going to be “babysitting” my Facebook and Twitter accounts, as I’m not on social media very much and don’t plan on going on either of those accounts, anytime soon. Thanks.

I’m trying to feel a little more positive about things, as of late. It’s kind of a struggle because I don’t feel the greatest and am kinda reclusive, while I can use the internet in a positive way, personally, I’d thought I’d try to extend that kind of positivity, in my own blog, where I do such serious life and death type of activism.

I’ve been trying to achieve that, by looking at the best things that ever happened to me and my best traits and concentrating on them, as of late, as well as of best things about people I admire versus the sucky mindset we can get into, if one is scared of a lot of things, that aren’t in the realm of their control, that sometimes we have to let that go, so we aren’t in a chronic panic anxiety state.

Here are the BEST things to happen to me, broken by year and event, in the last 3 decades for me:

1992- Zachary was born

1996- Going to London, as a poor single Mom on business with Princess Diana being on the flight.

2003- Zoe was born (and turns 15 in 2 1/2 weeks!!!)

2005- The hope I had as a single Mom of 2 amazing kids who was going to be a small business owner (I can use that as a good thing, even though my life didn’t turned out that way, because I remember I still had hope and was working hard to achieve a dream).

2011- Met my boyfriend who’s my best friend, who’s patient with having a girlfriend with medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities

2015- Going to Las Vegas, all by myself. Getting from McCarran International to the strip by bus and walking everywhere in between in the desert, with my current disability sets (which are now worse). Negotiating a decent hotel room rate and staying in a cool hotel (which trip is highlighted in a past blogs) like the Stratosphere, where I had a Jacuzzi tub and an amazing view from the 22nd floor.

2018-??? It’s gotta be something, cause while I can take pride in that I’m still an activist, from a “seize the day, even it’s only a DAY’ recluse point of view (will never be a YOLO chick, um just not me) have to do something.

Best skill sets I’ve had in the last 3 decades:

1988 to 2006: Could get decent jobs and had great interviewing skills. Never lived in fear while I was a functional mother, was in awe and grateful for the experience. Was a good friend. And was good at my jobs that I had and I would’ve been great at the business I wanted to start, had I not been so blindsided by circumstances that were not in my control.

2008-2011: A self awareness that I could survive a lot of bad things and circumstances and still have the decency to try to help people, even as minimally as it was, the best I could, which was very limited.

2011-2018: See directly above but add that I didn’t go through the bad stuff in vain, given my limitations, that it would be used to serve a greater good to people, in whatever way I could help, even being as limited as I am.

Knowing how to give a sincere compliment, genuine apology and constructive but kind feedback and insight. Still possessing a desire to help those who don’t have a voice and advocate on their behalf. Having the ability to engage in an intelligent conversation, debate or argument. Having gratitude for the smallest of good things and blessings.

1969-2018: Never taking anything or anyone that’s good for granted. Finding good things in trying adversity. even if it’s the little stuff.

SO,  between concentrating on the above, reading Mr. Rogers and Oprah quotes and trying to see those who overcame great odds and did good with their lives, is helping me try to not be as pessimistic, even though I’m kind of always going to be of “partly cloudy” at best, in personality.

So that’s mine. What are your best things in your life and your best skill sets???

Note: I have social media ties or know a bazillion wls peeps. Like seriously, A bazillion.

AND YES, I’d prefer you didn’t use a bariatric and/or reconstructive surgery as one of the best things that happened to you. That would count for not just wls but any surgery, unless someone’s sight was restored with corneal implants, or something extremely unusual.

I’m not trying to be mean, and I’m not short sighted, see my year “2005”.

You climbed Mt. Everest post rny gastric bypass???

Great, would love to hear about it. The fact you just had any weight loss surgery, you’re going to have to try harder, it’s for your own good, OK?



Disclaimers: While this blog is both a combination personal blog, as well as to achieve some activism type of goals, when it comes to medical, mental health and public safety, I will ALWAYS implore people, when in crisis, to seek clinically trained professional help if they are or they suspect someone else is in crisis, immediately and or call 911 (because 1/2 my readers are outside of the U.S./North America, and/or Emergency Services in one’s country of residence). Thanks.

OR, may I ask, with NO expection of an answer to me, what are you actually THINKING, when NO ONE else is looking?

Because it matters.


In my case,  and it will be also a topic for another blog, as far as it applies to social media and my loathing and fear of social media.

In my case, what I do and what I think, is usually done in the privacy of my own home.

My blogs from the last month, whether they talked about people in crisis of all different types, where most of my blogs were concentrated on those who’s thinking and actions, lead to fatalities, in innocent others.

Also a few of my blogs of last month, were in regards to Superbowl 52, which was exactly a month ago, that occured 4 1/2 blocks from where I live.

It feels like both yesterday and 100 years ago, that Superbowl 52, took place, which I didn’t care for, because I was afraid of something bad happening and I don’t like being in the spotlight in any way or any kind of attention, which meant for the 2 weeks around Superbowl Sunday, I became super reclusive, even for me, in the era of smartphone cameras, as well as global networks being in my neighborhood.

As well as the tragic massacre in Parkland, Florida that happened, 10 days later.

Unfortunately, but so gratefully, I’m lucky that if I don’t feel well, I don’t have to do anything.

And when I feel my worst medically and mentally, not only do I have to not  do anything, just try to deal with my medical and emotional pain, I don’t do anything else, even though that my medical and mental emotional pain is only a hindrance to myself, even though I usually respond to various help queries, everyday.

I realize that most people, don’t have the luxury of both time and privacy, that I have.

The last major BEST decision though, I made for myself, is to disengage, as much as possible,  from social media.

Without quitting it completely.

And in my case, I’ve never felt that I’m in competition with ANYONE, which I think social media drives.

But in my case, social media, for how I used it, would be a really bad and sad reminder of my failures compared to my FORMER self, which is the only competition I put on myself and fail miserably,  of how functional and productive I used to be, prior to the last 11-12 years of my life, which is now a quarter of my life, now that I’m 48 years old.

Most people, the few of them that I encounter, are  kind of surprised of what I’ve chosen to do with this little life that I have.

Lots of times, I don’t feel well enough to go anywhere or do much, but possess a strange skill set and a desire to help people in medical and/or mental health crisis (with the urging they have to be under the care of clinically trained professionals, which I’m not) and that I’m kinda good at it, with obvious boundaries for myself and others, for what I’m willing and capable of doing, in the areas I do activism for, and where I help people when they email me for help.

It takes a lot of unnecessary pressure off, when people focus to do things, with an absence of social media, either to NOT  be motivated by it, in attempts to NOT  be an influencer and to NOTto have it as a default distraction.

Even if someone makes a living off of social media, no one needs to make their complete lives on it.

When I tell other clinical professionals who I don’t know, in the medical and/or mental health realm what I do or ask what I can do better when I run across them, in my advocacy, I do find that most of the time, my inability to be influenced by social media and/or let anyone influence me, in any way, that what I don’t do or do and/or what I do say and or don’t say, is driven soley by myself, they find the most challenging thing in dealing with me.

WHY, though???

I’m hardly an admirable person, by any account.

I’m not looking to be, nor am I someone to be looked up to.

But I’m not someone to be feared, either.

I know how my disabilities can be of a negative effect on me and/or when provoked, makes me mean to others, which is all I’m capable of.

I’ve made some AWFUL decisions, which I still can do stupid things on occasion but am honest, but I also I make a lot of good ones, in hoping to do the right thing.

When NO ONE is looking.

I don’t understand though, as I don’t judge others who find that the various social media platforms, DO  have a strong influence on how they conduct their lives.

It just DOES NOT for me.

It can’t.

I came into having medical, mental health and cognitive defects by various complex organic, circumstancial and environmental reasons.

I don’t need and it would be a disaster for me and I do believe it does hinder other’s health and wellbeing, being so emotionally, mentally and cognitively dependent on all the things that go along with having a social media and technology driven society, now a days.

It’s not like we can go back in time and change the technologies outcomes both good and bad.

But it’s not too late, to make more of what’s on social media, that does a greater good for people, that doesn’t effect desired financial outcomes, which not all of it is bad, other than the intentional addiction seeking behavior of some technical products and services.

But these are the following the questions, that people have to ask themselves, given the fact that even people, who have done so much good in their lives, are ending their lives and others lives, both intentionally and maliciously or not,  or they interfere in multiple ways, for others right to the sanctity of life, with peace of mind, in the worst ways possible.

So here it goes:

What are you doing and thinking, that could be hurtful to oneself or others, that might have a foundation in a social media driven society and what can you do, to make it less harmful for yourselves and other people?

Can you ask for genuine help and get it, from clinical medical health and mental professionals, as well as families and/or peers when in distress or crisis?

And if you can’t or choose NOT to get any kind of help, how does that adversely and/or can you positively change the outcome of your own thought processes so it doesn’t lead to negative action on oneself or another, all the time, some of the time and on rare occasions?

Asking and knowing why, it makes the difference of why it matters, of the dependence in thinking of others knowing what you say, do and what you look like when you do them, due to our social media driven society and knowing what’s good about it and what is even unintentionally harmful to self or others, in this day and age.

There is NO ego with this blog.

I’m the first one to admit, I have way more questions than valid helpful answers, in trying to help those in crisis, not hurt themselves or others.

All I’m trying to do with my own disabilities, bad choices and my own flaws and as well as the few strengths that I have, is to help myself and to help others, in things that matter the most, in what I’m able to so little but try to contribute somehow, positively.

No one has to answer the above questions out loud, to me or another, unless someone is a danger to themselves or others, which will require acute professional help.

But the questions asked above are worthy of asking yourself and evaluating, of how, what, where and why, you think of  yourself and others, when they’re not looking, in good ways and bad.

Or the when and why, you’re actually driven to make or want  them to look at what you’re doing and saying and how you look, when you’re doing that.

Note: I’m all for constructive feedback, which can be a difference of opinion, as long as it’s shared respectfully. Thanks!!!

absence of malice…


Disclaimer: Even though this is a personal blog versus a blog doing activism, not knowing the mental state of my readers, and due to the serious nature of what I’m about to discuss, I will always urge those in crisis and/or if someone suspects another that might be in medical/mental health crisis and capable of doing harm to themselves or another, to seek immediate treatment from a clinically trained professional, right away and/or contact 911, immediately.

I didn’t want to write another blog, right now .

I’m NOT okay.

I hate to say and actually resent that I have to say, when saying I’m not okay, that I’m not capable of hurting myself and/or another and/or other’s property.

BUT, I have to say that.

Because, I have diagnosed mental health issues.

And while I feel that we live in a society that people scare me, that I have very little hope, I’m actually TERRIFIED that because I have mental health issues that are diagnosed, that is enough for people not to trust for me, to NOT act in a manner that is harmful to another.

Even though there’s plenty of people who know me well enough to know, that I’m NOT capable of hurting another human being, let alone I’m fully aware of my issues and would never want, nor am I capable of hurting another human being.

But for some reason, I fear that’s not enough. Not because I distrust my own behavior, but because I fear the labeling of my diagnoses.

But truthfully, this isn’t about my diagnoses, medical and/or mental health.

It’s about others, as I’m fully aware of the consequences of my own issues.

I don’t like living a life that’s devoid of hope.

I hate that I live such a small life but that no only is it so small, but that I fear other people.

I can’t stand that the fact I don’t have more hope in other human beings.

Even though that I know that there are truly good people in this world.

But I loathe that we live in a society that whether people lie in wait to kill innocent others, or due to an equally scary but less talked about mental health circumstances, where people are snapping and/or it’s a slow snap, where people are killing stranger and/or beloved famiy members.

I can’t stand the fact that I feel so helpless,  to help innocent others retain their lives,  to pursue their lives, in a society that should value the sanctity of human life, above all else, but that total strangers and/or loved ones could provide the biggest threat to one’s life.

I’m heartbroken, because as little as I have to offer as a parent, and also as an activist, no one will take me seriously, when I try to ring the alarm, that while actual weapons of mass destruction whether it be a gun, bomb or an airplane, to name a few,  with an unstable operator who wants to kill people, that the biggest threat to our safety that I am able to see, is a smartphone and social media, and the addiction of them.

I remember being, I think in 7th grade, I know it was in junior high, when I saw the move “Absence of Malice”. I know while I don’t remember the storyline, per se, it was about the intention of trying to do harm via libel and the consequences of the perception of that.

That movie, I think was released over 36 years ago, but couldn’t be anymore relevant, in today’s times.

And I’m heartbroken, as while I remember that movie’s INTENT, I dont remember the plot, as well as a million other major life events in my OWN life, let alone a movie.

I can’t believe, and it’s bigger than myself and or any of my beliefs, the lack of regard of human life and feelings in another human being, by many others.

Even though there is many decent human beings who care about one another.

That while my life, so small, so abnormal while being not abhorrent, my legacy as it stands right now, is someone who got fat again, before a gastric bypass reversal, when having an epic breakdown.

That’s it. And while I could just dissapear in today’s society, as I loathe social media and I fear it, and I’m on it, so for all intentions, I have “dissapeared” because of my lack of social media presence, that I am still compelled, to be somewhat present, in public, or at least on the internet, as a blogger,and to be honest, for what is the ugliest of my life and of others, that goes beyond that, in hopes to do greater good for other human beings, in ANY manner that I’m capable of doing greater good.

And that of course, is motivated by trying to do the right thing, as an activist, given my spectacular failures as a mother, so that what we went through, wasn’t in vain.

Or that people don’t go through awful struggles and devastating life circumstances, without a support system, like I did.

But that doesn’t get brought up in my personal online life, as much as getting fat or staying heavy after a gastric bypass and a gastric bypass reversal.

And NO matter how much I try to fight that legacy, that we should live in a society, that values the sanctity of human life and the right of individual pursuit of personal growth, happiness and the right to a safe life, that doesn’t mean anything to another, if they wish to cause us emotional and/or physical harm and/or fatality.

The reason why I fear social media so much has both a simple and/or complex answers.

The sort of  simple but still complex answer is, that it encourages impulsive behavior in people, that could be at best, a deterrent to another’s happiness, even if it’s unintentional.

I’m not saying though, I don’t see the good that social media brings.

Whether it be a celebrity who pays off a fan’s mortgage or student’s loan. among many things we’ve seen that where social media has served greater good.

But, the various social media platoforms, simutaneously both encourages the best and worst of humankind.

So while it can be heartening to see both celebrities and others do common good, there’s a lot of bad that goes with it.

Whether it be feeding in one’s instaneous need to hatefully call out others. And to quite a few, social media, dehumanizes other humans, because they are being regarded through a digital lens, that somehow uniquely to predators and/or haters, that they aren’t worthy of common consideration at best, but at worst, they aren’t worthy of being allowed to live their lives with health, safety and peace of mind.

And I don’t think that I’m overreacting, as an activist, when seeing so many cases where in domestic violence situations, where people are not just killing those they love and/or hate.

But regardless, they are horrifically murdering their children, who get caught in the crossfire of a relationship ending badly or for any and all inexplicable reasons, devoid of any ration or ration when it’s needed most.

Or you have children who are tragically killing a parent or a friend, because they can’t react appropriately, to being told NO or something they don’t like. Whether it be  a child and/or teen isn’t allowed to have a party or a child kills another peer in what they feel is an action that shows some kind of rejection, and that leads to rage induced irrovocable behaviors, such as murder/s.

My kind of activism lends to the bottom line of asking “WHY”.

While I can tell a bariatric peep not to blame themselves for example, if they are in some kind of mixed medical/mental health crisis, that their complications are not necesarily their fault and/or of their surgeons and they “why” won’t help them, as far as seeking acute professional attention, so that their lives can be saved, the “why” does play a part.

Of course it does, as far as the “why”, it can not only help from tragedy happening, it can help from history repeating itself, even if the life threatning symptoms are alleviated, it can help from non weight related self sabotaging behaviors from occuring over and over again, that might happen, when someone unnecessarily thinks in the case of an adverse bariatric surgical outcome, that they’re  to blame, for life threatening complications (even when their surgeons aren’t)  when they’re not.

That kind of perspective, such as examining the “why” can help, whether or not a human being is bariatric patient or NOT.

It can help help from a perspective of WHY tragedy happens.

It can help from trying to prevent self sabotaging behaviors, of many kinds, of interfering in one’s ability to find inner peace and a balanced life, regardless of socio-economics and other factors.

The problem is, and it’s not a problem, it’s a CRISIS, that when people hurt, if not kill themelves and/or  another human being, the “why” matters.

The intention of whether or not malice, is present, matters

Whether it be in the case, of my writings of blogs, as of late, whether it be a pastor who drove drunk and killed, I’m assuming, very unintentionally, locally,  that went viral , a 911 operator when driving drunk, last week.

Malice matters, when trying to prevent school or any kind of massacres, whether it be in Parkland, Sandy Hook, Orlando, Las Vegas, San Bernadino or Columbine, to name a few school (and other)  massacres, even though the motives of the person/s commiting the massacres may VARY, and vary widely.

Malice, and/or absence of it, matters greatly, when a mother who has an MSW and should know crisis resources, still kills her baby, her husband and herself, which happened 2 weeks ago.

Or a week later, when a mother kills her husband, her 2 adult children and herself , executing them, by shooting them in the head, when feeling rejection, as it’s been rationalized in the news, right or wrong , when being shunned from her house of worship and/or religious faith.

Talking about why these tragedies occur, as painful and complex as it is, whether or not malice is involved and/or the “why” of them, will NOT  necessarily prevent ALL of them from occuring.

But isn’t it worth a mention, if maliciousness and/or an abscence of it, as well as the “why”, necessary, to at least try and prevent at least  some of them?

I’m not a clinically trained professional. I’d like to know though, where are the clinically trained professionals, to try and say something  and/or help do something, in the hopes of prevention of all these horrific tragedies from happening over and over again, even, though they definitely aren’t to blame, for these tragedies occuring, over and over again.

Because I loathe, as a non clinically trained professional, that I have NO answers or solutions, I’m just trying to be a part of the dialogue, in hopes for prevention of all these tragedies, and while it may be unrealistic to think that all of them can be prevented, we need to at least TRY to prevent some of them.

SO sadly, I have way more questions,  than I do answers.

It would be comforting, to hear from those who have answers (i.e. clinically trained professionals in abnormal/trauma psychology) , or at least an idea,  about the ugliness of human life, that can end human life, if not hamper other’s right to be at least psychologically balanced, happy and healthy, to try and say, what they think is going on here and what, if anything, can be done to prevent all these tragedies that end in loss of human life .

Note: I welcome constructive feedback. I’m kindly asking if someone does NOT have constructive feedback, to not comment. Thanks.

Editorial Note: Clarification, 15 minutes after publishing this blog. I shouldn’t have assumed that nature of the blog, would be clear.

But it’s not something I could’ve said, whether or not people intend to do harm, both fatal and extreme psychological duress, there is sometimes instances where malice is apparent and malice is absent.

But point I’m trying to make, is both intention, whether or not there is an absence of malice, the “why”, matters greatly and is worthy of further discussion, in hopes of prevention of these tragedies.

I shouldn’t have though, assumed that people would construe that, just by the nature of the blog, so while I’m not sorry for what I said, and how many words, it took to say it, I AM sorry, that I wasn’t clearer.

Again, my apologies for not clearly stating above clarification. Thanks….

Important Disclaimers: I believe the video starts an important dialogue that we need to be having and I’ve tried to also state in other blogs about school massacres, other massacres and murder/suicides.

I’ll always encourage people who are in medical and/or mental crisis, and/or if you suspect someone else and is capable of hurting themselves or others, please seek acute clinical professional help and/or contact 911 (and/or EMS for your country if your outside the United States) immediately.

The man in this video is brave.

He starts an important conversation that I’ve tried to initiate dialogue for,  but am not so brave to leave my house to do so, nor as I am as concise.

He shares concerns that I have stated since I’ve launched this blog, that gun control is necessary, as well as open and honest constructive dialogue is necessary to try and  help prevent all these senseless school shootings, but brings up concerns wisely, that gun control is NOT enough.

Again, I believe in gun reform.

I don’t believe that ANY citizen should have an assault rifle.

But lifelong constant societal, familial and peer rejection in some people can lead to predatory and horrific massacres.

It doesn’t mean that all people who’ve experienced massive rejection would ever be capable of hurting another person, let alone killing them.

And Aaron Stark talks about that, too.

Because when we start the labeling people without asking questions, a reclusive loner who’s been subjected to lifelong bullying and has limited support, not all of them are going to ever be capable of causing any kind of harm (i.e. me and many others) to others and have never ever thought about hurting another.

And society just can’t start locking people up, in thinking because they possess certain anti-social appearing traits, that they are at risk for something I/they would  NEVER be capable of doing.

I don’t think it’s his intention, but I want to make this clear, as I do think the video can be life saving, some people probably can not be “loved” or shown caring enough to prevent them, from doing something that could cause harm, if not fatalities in many others.

In the end, it’s the person who kills people, who’s responsible for them being a mass murderer,  as there is never a good enough defense to justify their horrific behavior, as it’s not brave to ambush innocent people, EVER. It’s horrifically cowardly and it should never be thought,  otherwise.

But it can give hope, as shown in the  conversation in this video,  that is possible that some of  these tragedies can be prevented, regardless of weapon choice in a potential mass murderer and/or serial killer.

By asking someone without stigma,  hopefully to save lives, of what helped him when in crisis, to not to kill himself, let alone other people, even though he had considered both at one time, can hopefully lead into constructive initiatives and support systems for those in crisis, BEFORE they horrifically kill others.






Disclaimer: This profanity laced blog is to be silly and/or slightly entertaining. Although I’m kind of befuddled on why when using Google’s search engine to find out how far it is from Dubai to Amsterdam, I’d get the option for directions on how to WALK there, I’d seriously strongly advise AGAINST , that this is not a cross-continental walking trek ANYONE should be making, let alone, ME.

That’s if one can even legally do that of any sort, which I doubt, whether they are an American or NOT.

I’ve been in serious activist mode, too long, so when finding that my You Tube account wasn’t working, late tonight,  I thought I’d read the news articles suggested for me in Google, even though they are usually not as wisely suggested, as videos.

While I didn’t find it anymore comforting about human nature reading an article about a Carnival Cruise that had to make a detour to get rid of a family of 23 people who were unruly on a cruise, when I read an article about an international flight that had to make an emergency stop, I decided, as pictured above, just out of curiosity,  to use Google to find out how far Dubai was from Amsterdam, which was the flight route.

In fairness to Google, I do end up having to use their search engine to look up some pretty diverse things, as an activist, and as a disabled activist, to fact check or better research some of the topics I blog about.

Other than planning and booking my trip to Vegas in late September of 2015, I haven’t given ONE inkling I’d like to go anywhere outside of where I live, let alone outside of Minnesota, and most definitely NOT any inkling that I’d like to outside of the continent on a walking tour.

I don’t know what makes me more FUCKING mad. That my premium (cause yeah, I pay for You Tube/Google Music, that way I don’t have commercials) isn’t working and that for the first time (as I’ve been curious to find out mileage destinations before, based upon news articles) why the FUCK they would for the first time, give me driving or walking  directions on a dangerous not recommended for any HUMAN being walking tour given distances and destinations, but especially, Especially, FUCKING ESPECIALLY for someone they know without a doubt, is a disabled activist and knows I don’t fucking drive, given my looking up public transit routes and having that site, bookmarked on FUCKING Google.

I didn’t take pictures of the directions of the exact FUCKING 3,820 mile cross continental trek, because when quickly scrolling for fucking over 30 minutes, it didn’t even take me out of Dubai, and while I can’t speak Hebrew anymore, I can read it, but I don’t know any Arabic, let alone the 15+ FUCKING languages that it would probably take to do something FUCKING ridiculously dangerously stupid and so unlikely by anyone.

And if I’m to be honest, I do find it kinda bizarrely hilarious and horrifying, at the same time.

So NO, I really don’t believe Google is trying to kill me.

Unless it’s unintentionally trying to aggravate  me to death, by no access to You Tube and a non fun detailed dangerous not recommended walking tour that NO ONE would ever try to do.

But hopefully, this worked being funny or as a sedative, if you’re having trouble sleeping like I am… Of if you ever had an intellectual curiosity, which I fucking NEVER HAVE HAD, an inkling of what it takes to walk from Dubai to Amsterdam, well then, you’re welcome.


p.s. Also note,  to add insult to injury I AM a fucking local 5 guide for Google. Where approximately  95% of my reviews of places are within a 1 mile radius of where I live and ALL of them are within a 15 mile radius, where I live, because they know exactly where I live, from being a guide and a paying customer.

p.s.s. For those who follow me on social media, I’m not planning on being on Facebook or Twitter for awhile, my blog though auto-posts to both. I’m not even walking within locally in Downtown Minneapolis much, so if I take a badly needed break also from blogging, I’m not using my Fitbit Zip, much, either.

And while right now, giving up the internet, sounds appealing, it’s highly unlikely, so if you want to get ahold of me, email me. Thanks.

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