It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

Note: Sometimes I have to digress to make a point, due to disabilities . I’m continually told as an activist but not a  clinically trained professional that my insights are valuable to others, by both patients AND clinically trained professional medical and mental health professionals who’s guidance and input I seek, both personally and in regards to the activism I do.

Because I realize that not only do I have to be my strongest advocate in my own care, but for those who don’t have a voice. Or those have consequences due to stigma due their own truths, for many reasons, personally and professionally.

While I will always strongly preface any of my (or anyone else’s) medical and mental health blogs that nothing can replace evaluation and treatment for  medical or mental health issues , in person, especially while a patient is  in crisis, the obstacles that both patients and clinically trained providers are up against,  will be clearly evidenced in this blog.

Here we go….

According to the National Safety Council, in 2015, over 38,000 people died due to traffic fatalities. Another 4 million people had to seek medical attention of some kind, due to being in a traffic accident.

That’s the largest increase in 50 years, which is quite alarming. While I could hypothosize the many reasons what’s played into that, such as distracted drivers, there’s probably many variables that I’m sure anyone could get more information on, by researching like I have, statistics from Department of Public Safety, National Highway Traffic Safety Adminstration and other related organizations.

This has to STOP. And the best chance of doing this is by making the manafacturing of cars and motorcycles, purchasing them and driving and riding in or on them, ILLEGAL. There are many options to reduce the need for cars and motorcycles these days.

People could take public transportation, people could live close to their workplaces and their children’s schools. There’s bicycles and of course walking which also has the added health benefits of exercise.

Although anything potentially on wheels, can have grave if not fatal consequences on people and people DIE everyday as a result of that.

Win/Win situation for EVERYONE, right? I mean everyone knows someone who has been seriously injured, if not sadly killed in a traffic accident.

THINK OF HOW MANY LIVES COULD BE SAVED IF WE BANNED MOTOR VEHICLES for the private sector and strongly regulate ANY form of private non motorized transit that’s on wheels?????….

And before you y’all think I lost what’s left of my mind and spelling abilities when I reference the “other O epidemic”, I know automobile is spelled a-u-t-o-m-o-b-i-l-e not o-t-t-o-m-0-b-i-l-e, and NO, that’s not what I’m really referencing or the reason for this blog.

The reason for this blog is the “Opioid Epidemic” and how the fear of both prescription opiates and illegal drugs is causing not only a war on drugs but a WAR on patients who need these medications, not only as a last resort but also as a long term solution for their severe chronic pain.

I don’t discount at all, from all different agencies, whether it be the CDC, NIH, FDA, SAMSHA and AMA, the concern about how many people are either accidently overdosing on prescription opiates, or it becomes a gateway to illegal drugs and not only the deaths that go along with an overdose with drugs like that, but what tragic deaths that also OCCURS, in the process from manafacturing, distribution and consumption of all these illegal drugs that are out there, is also killing thousands of  people.

In 2015, the death rate was approximately the same for drug overdoses as it was from traffic fatalities-approximately 33,000 people died from overdosing, annually.

People might think that I went way out of my way to be wordy ,with my ridiculous traffic analogy, but that’s what type of excuses are used by medical and mental health professionals when it comes to prescription medications, medications I’m talking about are prescription opiates.

I’ll give what I think the AMA and physicians, especially are up against as well as organizations in defense of them fearing narcotics:

Patients LIE to physicians and psychiatric professionals, like all the time. They also self medicate with medications for reasons such as trying to control emotional and mental health pain and mental health issues with both prescription narcotics and illegal ones. I mean I get that Oxycodone is meant for severe pain of a broken back, it ain’t meant for a broken heart or busted psyche.

OR patients due to barriers don’t realize they actually have both a physiological and psychological dependence on medications that DO make them more of  a risk for abuse, addiction and that addiction can ABSOLUTELY lead to both intentional and accidental overdose to either prescription opiate or illegal drugs.

Sometimes with the aid of alcohol contributing to that, sometimes, not.

I’ve also had friends die due to accidental illegal drug overdoses, very innocently starting off with severe chronic pain or medical emergencies that lasted a long time (such as what I do in the weight loss surgery community when it comes to long term severe complications status post gastric bypass, that’s what the reference of the “other O epidemic”, because I write about bariatric surgery and “Obesity”, on occasion) that started with prescription opiate needs that did cause them to become addicted to IV meds that they made their opioid  tolerance so high, they did end up transferring to illegal drugs such as Heroin, when not in weight loss surgery crisis and found themselves in a different kind of crisis with addiction and ended up looking for a dealer instead of help and accidentally overdosed and that’s devastating and tragic.

So it’s NOT that I don’t have an idea of the fears and consequences by the both professional medical,mental health providers, government and society in general,  when thinking about the consequences that these medications potentially come with.

Because I’m definitely NOT discounting at all how serious and real, this all is.

And that these medications and the potential consequences of abuse and addiction, can be fatal to patients and devastating to both providers AND loved ones who are left behind.

Physical pain is also VERY subjective at times as far as what’s considered to be unbearable pain.

Not to mention, statistically as most physicians (including my own, who does all my medication management) will state,  that the longer a patient is on narcotics, the more their medications are increased, eventually they will hit a wall, so to speak, where their tolerance will become so high that not only increases their chances of potential of addiction, abuse as well as both accidental and intentional overdose, it also counteracts the effectiveness of opioid medications and they will NO longer work. PERIOD.

Also, unfortunately, sometimes patients have a sudden adverse reaction to a narcotic even with perfect compliance. Even if they are on an opiate the first time or a short time.

This actually happened to me with Fentanyl (duragesic patch). When dealing with hospitalizations due to my gastric bypass from 2003 to 2011 and certain procedures IV Fentanyl would make a procedure barely bearable. And I would get bounceback migraines from it, which I do from any IV narcotic, as well as hives.

I was put on my 1st trial of the Fentanyl patch, almost 7 years ago in Spring of 2010 and couldn’t keep the patch on and was put on oral pain meds which I had been off for almost 2 years, due to the time I was in the system (I did get narcs when hospitalized for ulcers while in the system from 8-2008 to 1/2010. It also bears mentioning I got OVER $17k in backpay in 2 installments between late 12/2010 and mid 1-2010) and when off narcotics with money did NOT go looking for a dealer prior to being able to get treated again by  my long term PCP.

2nd trial of Fentanyl in Summer of 2011? Not so lucky, as the first where just one patch fell off and it was too problematic to wait another 72 hours, so I had also gotten a special adhesive to keep the patch on for 2nd trial (I was also allergic to the adhesive OF the Fentanyl patch) and 26 hours without any abuse, meaning I put patch on appropriately and as directed, projectile vomited the whole entire 26 hours which I spent in my bathroom and then went through FIVE days of hellacious opiate withdrawal.

That came with the NOT so fun side effects of intractable shaking , vomiting, sweating and auditory and visual hallucinations, which I’m not prone to with my particular mental health disabilities, when going through serious opiate withdrawal.

Which I’d caution ANYONE from going through any kind of withdrawal without medical supervision like I did.

This ALSO occurred from a low amount of  of Fentanyl, 25 mcg q 72 (meaning 25 micrograms every 72 hours). Because I’ve had adverse reactions to quite a few other medications in all different therapy classes, I already knew that unless I was at home or in a hospital, NEVER to start a new medication, unless I’m at home.

So the above is not meant to be a “patient” insight portal, I’ll make that point, soon enough.

Most of my doctors would agree, including my Primary Care Physician, who’s been my doctor for almost like 18 years now, does ALL my medication management would agree, I’m not easy patient to treat. I don’t have anything resembling a predictable outcome when it comes to both medicine as a science AND medicine, well from a pharmacology perspective.

Both my bariatric surgeon and my PCP have seen me bizarrely be completely lucid to medications that knock out most of their other patients and be practically knocked out by IV Compazene, which is anti-emetic, but I’m a difficult patient to medicate, overall due to how bizarrely I metabolize meds.

And most people don’t nearly die from technically performed perfect gastric bypasses, pregnancy and childbirth and IUDs like I nearly have. Most people don’t usually get as many adverse side effects as I do from a lot of medications, in all different therapy classes and delivery systems.

And it doesn’t help in my case, that medicating me for one aspect of my medical issues can cause a trigger or side effect for another.

But while I can say as an activist that some of us may be harder to treat with our own unique physiological makeups, from a patient perspective, we ALL are unique in our own way and deserve an individual patient tailored approach to medicine.

That’s where the silly car analogy that I used, isn’t so silly when you think about it. The hoops that severe chronic pain patients have to jump through now, who aren’t addicted and are honest about their narcotic usage, are going to possibly lose the ONE AND ONLY treatment option that does HELP.

And while I believe and will write in seperate blog, about the need for more treatment options when it comes to everything, those of us who are in need of long term solutions to managing our pain, have tried EVERY other non narcotic or even non medication treatment out there and pain medications are a last resort, it’s a last resort that we are seriously in danger  of losing completely.

I wish there could be more of an honest dialogue by both patients and providers in the evaluation of how to treat severe chronic pain that isn’t caused by a terminal disease, long term.

And for those who suffer from addiction issues to be forthcoming with their providers, that take in account their physiological and psychological makeup, because it isn’t fair that just because while thousands of people do habitually abuse controlled substances or are at risk for transferring to illegal drugs, will ruin it for those of us who aren’t at risk and this is not only a MAJOR quality of life issue, this becomes a potential life or death situation, in those of us who aren’t medicated at all or are undermedicated for our own unique physiological makeup but would NEVER obtain medications illegally.

Now in my case, I have very temporarily when in crisis both medically and  mentally, TWICE now in my life abused narcotics. Once for 5 days proceeding and including my suicide attempt in 2008 and 7 years ago, for 3 days when in medical and mental health crisis.

And I know if I’d EVER do that again, I’d be cut off. But we are talking a period of 8 days of non compliance total in a span of almost THIRTEEN years, that I’ve been on them.

IF though I really believed as a medical activist that drastically regulating narcotics would save people’s lives, I’d be the first one to defend that. I had a horrible outcome with a gastric bypass, I don’t tell people not to have bariatric surgery. I had 2 pregnancies and 1 delivery that nearly killed my daughter and I, when she was born, I don’t tell women not to get pregnant or have children on the offchance their lives will be endangered if they have a baby, and I also don’t tell women not to have IUDs given after what  I went through with Mirena.

And even though I was in a serious car accident in my late teens, I don’t tell people not to get in a car or drive in one, even though I witness reckless behavior with drivers, EVERYTIME  I leave my home.

And if I’m going to be honest, I think Fentanyl IS an EVIL drug. And I couldn’t truthfully say that if I didn’t go sick from it, that even with compliance on it, that for how I reacted once I was able on my 2nd trial to keep a patch on for longer than an hour that if I could become physically addicted being compliant on such a small amount, it was nothing short of a blessing to me, that I got so sick to be spared an addiction of that nature.

More bizarrely, as physically sick that I became on it and with going through opiate withdrawal, I remember one thing that stands out.

It actually DID treat the pain that it was prescribed for me, it just wasn’t worth it, obviously, due to the nature of the horrific side effects.

But at the heart of the matter, all the stringent regulations and elimination of usage of opioids in pain management, could possibly do is actually kill more people. If people have a predisposition to addiction or even if they don’t, those who can’t  obtain  prescription opiate drugs legally will obtain them illegally.

And with these medications being eliminated will only create a market for more illegal medications to be manafactured and distributed.

OR you’ll have patients like me, who has to take an enormous NSAIDs to get the effect of the high strength but very controlled in doses of opioid medications, that I’m on, I’m feeling that I and others like me are  being sentenced to die as a result of that.

Because it’s not realistic that those of us who are narcotic compliant and have exhausted non opioid treatment therapies are just going to take NOTHING for severe chronic pain that already greatly limits our lives.

My heart hurts though for those, like myself who’ve lost cherished family members and friends due to opioid abuse.

But banning opioids or stringently regulating them, isn’t going to save lives until we address further the human nature of addiction, with a patient tailored approach to medicine which we are sorely lacking, is going to increase the danger of illegal drug abuse, addiction and fatality, it’s not going to reduce it, without a more through dialogue between patients and providers and government.

In the meantime, I make NO apologies for being both angry and terrified that I fought so hard to stay alive, to make this little crappy life of mine have some meaning, where I’m going to die a long drawn out physically even MORE  painful unnecessary death due to NSAID usage, when I’ve been 99.9% of the time medication compliant on opiates, which I’m still on, but not for much longer.

So this is going to make things a lot worse, not just for me, but millions of other people with severe chronic pain who aren’t terminal, until we can have an honest dialogue about human nature and addiction and have better treatment options for so many physical and mental health diseases, syndromes and issues that actually don’t cause more problems than they create.

I’m in NO way saying, that there shouldn’t be regulations in place, such as having systems in place for those who “doctor shop” or illegally obtain prescriptions and/or use multiple pharmacies to get scripts for abuse, addiction or to illegally sell on the black market. I’m also not saying that prescription opiates shouldn’t be a very last resort in treating severe chronic pain.

I am not adverse to being drug tested or that others should be  and I think it could help if we could talk about as a society, addiction and abuse should that happen, that patients don’t get penalized if they aren’t engaging in illegal behaviors or that present a danger to themselves or others, of being able to tell their physicians that.

But at the rate we’re going in society, thinking that eliminating prescription opiate usage as a last resort for some of us, making them INACCESSIBLE ,  is going to be present a bigger threat to our safety and lives, than the usage of these medications could ever be a threat to us.

Note: Respectful disagreement of opinion or in dialogue, encouraged. Disrespectful comments will not be published. Thanks….

Also note, this is where somewhat of an explanation of my perspective, is helpful to have a balanced dialogue. And why I couldn’t just write as an activist “Don’t eliminate prescription drugs for everyone because not everyone abuses” wouldn’t do anything for the cause,  other than being concise, BECAUSE, I freely admit, I have EVERYTHING to lose, especially my life, at this point…..


Note: I’m NOT  a clinically trained professional. In ANY capacity either medically or mentally.  I can’t stress ENOUGH, that if YOU or anyone you know is capable of causing mental or physical harm or death in another, please seek out help from clinically trained professionals and law enforcement, IMMEDIATELY.

Update: 12 hours after I wrote the following, the 911 tape was released where the father admitted to killing his children but letting his wife live to “let her suffer like he has”.
It doesn’t change the need for dialogue about these horrific tragedies and a need for prevention, that’s why I’m not altering in any other way, this particular blog.

I’ve taken a break, obviously from writing about serious matters that mean a lot to me. The reasons don’t matter as much as what I’ve tried to say in the past about homicides  and suicides and their causes and then just reading about ANOTHER one, a few minutes ago.

I was having a  fairly low key weekend for me and while that doesn’t matter from what I’m trying to address in this blog, it matters because I wish I didn’t have to come back as a medical and mental health activist to write a blog about ANOTHER parent killing his children, whether or not when he shot his wife, IF it was an attempt to kill her, which I’m not sure that’s the case, because he made sure his 16 year old twins died and then killed himself, in Illinois, this weekend on Friday.

This is NOT a gender specific blog when it comes to parental murder/suicides . Mothers do kill their children, too. In similar circumstances and for different reasons.

I’m not a clinically trained professional in matters of medical and mental health reasons. If you haven’t ever read a blog written before about me, I’m ALL  about trying to remove stigma, especially as a mother who’s had mental health issues that had consequences on my children, not intentionally, violently or chaotically  or even irrovocably, but it still happened anyways.

Unfortunately, people snap more violently and with irreovocable and tragic consequences in these instances, which are becoming more and more common about a parent/s killing their child or children, the other parent, when going through the ending of a relationship, even if there wasn’t a past history of abuse by that parent, either with their children or their spouse.

And that’s exactly what this blog is about. To start a dialogue to remove stigma to see if there is ANY chance on preventing this from happening over and over again.

While I’m not in a position to give end of relationship advice or parenting advice, I wish that my thinking “Love your children more than HATING their other parent” would work.

Unfortunately, that isn’t probably going to work. And I’m not concentrating in this case, about domestic assault from one partner to another. Not that doesn’t break my heart either, when it comes to adults finding that their love of their loves pose the greatest threat to not only their physical and mental health well being, but their lives.

And for as many resources that are in place for discussion, for resources for the battered physically and emotionally, as well as those who are killed whether they stay or leave their batterer and obviously there’s more need for support for that, too.

It’s obvious we just have a lot more work to do, as a society, as it’s becoming more commonplace for batters to not just kill their partner or the other parent, but to punish in their warped minds, of killing their own children as retribution, if there isn’t multiple reasons that they do that, which I’m sure there is.

But IF there is NO  previous history of battering or domestic violence in deaths of these nature and/or IF there IS, and there IS initiatives to prevent these or start a dialogue about them, we need to know.

And we need to talk about this. NOW. And do something to try and prevent these horrific senseless tragedies from happening, more often, by having major initiatives in place, for prevention of children now being murdered by their parents, during a marital/relationship breakup.

If I’m missing something as a disabled activist, please help me and others by sharing the initiatives that are already in place for evaluation, treatment and help for these families.

IF,  a parent who actually mentally went through a dark period where this was a potential issue for them but somehow, was able to realize the potential of the irrovocable  horrific consequences to their children who loved them the most , but were planning on harming them, but got help or got better someway, maybe they could talk about this, without being stigmatized, to give society, both just regular people and professionals on the mindset that happens in these tragedies but before they happen.

And insight on how, if in ANY way to prevent these from happening, over and over again.

This actually did happen in Minnesota, where I reside, in an upscale suburb in Fall of 2015. Where an upscale business man shot and killed his children, then his wife, before killing himself. I didn’t say anything, because, like today, I still don’t have the right words that can help. I’m only limited as a disabled activist in bringing attention to matters like this. And only to a certain extent.

As much as I hate as a human being, to read of these stories, I can’t imagine what it’s like for these families to die by a parent and that’s their LAST thought, as they take their LAST breaths. I can’t imagine what it’s like for the other parent, knowing that their children are going to die, they may die, they can’t do anything to prevent or protect  or what to me is almost worse, they will live, knowing that their signficant other did this to punish them in the worst way possible that goes beyond the scopes of any and most people’s imagination and worst nightmares.

I hope we can find a way as a society to prevent ANY and ALL domestic violence, as well as deaths. We have a lot of work to do but the best way to start, is NOT to pretend this isn’t happening because it’s just too horrific to think about.

I appreciate any insight or any dialogue that will contribute to trying to prevent these tragedies.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their loved ones, in this horrific tragedy and the ones that proceeded.

And IF,  I’m  to be truthful, even though I do advocate for suicide prevention, I don’t have ANY empathy for people who are responsible for homicides then commit suicide.

In this case, I’m not sorry to say, I wish they would just take themselves out and leave the innocents, especially, in cases the innocents who love them more than anything but die because of them.

Also note: You can’t defend those who commit homicide, then suicide to me. Please don’t even TRY . Knock yourself out, if you want to try or feel free and send HATE to me. Better to do that to me, I can take it, I just hope someone wouldn’t be such a miserable piece of crap to do this to the loved ones who have to deal with these horrific but these cannot continue to remain “unspeakable”  tragedies, any longer, other than the news it generates, very shocking but ONLY  temporarily.


He’s such a GENIUS that I can’t believe that President Trump didn’t think of  this himself.

Thank goodness he’s got this medically and mental health disabled activist and advocate for the medically and mentally disabled to think about this for him. Because I know he’s got all these things going on, so I decided to help him out a bit.

I also dabble as an activist for the homeless.

He’s got all these big businesses.Well his SONS do, now.  Especially in real estate and in hospitality. No better place to start offering free high quality daycare on site on his properties for all his employees and hiring the single mothers who are on welfare by not only helping them out by hiring them.

But also by offering them a livable wage and a full comprehensive health benefits package and free tuition to colleges and full 90 day paid maternity leave for these mothers, should they get pregnant and free high quality daycare  for ALL employees.

Whether an employee is hired  in housekeeping, low level management or ANY position within the family’s multiple businesses.

And the whole country can’t be completely in total carnage and squalor. Downtown Minneapolis while it has it’s problems it’s thriving. I mean I may find all the construction down here, kinda annoying, but that does speak of growth.

When I’ve been to Nevada, New York and Florida, his properities certainly aren’t in these kind of really sad and scary  neighborhoods that he addressed over and over again, in his inaugral speech. And to get these poor families immediately out of these areas, he certainly has the real estate and hotels that I’m sure has vacancies that can provide at least tempory housing to these poor families as they work on themselves, by employment in his establishments and higher education and quality daycare to do that when working part-time and in school.

And of course to get these poor families in the gang ridden crime filled squalor cities into safer places. Such as in his, I mean his sons’s beautiful housing and hotel portfolio.

And it’s a good thing he’s got such hardworking mega-wealthy friends with businesses, because they can do the same thing.

And in his family run businesses and his friends who run uber successful businesses, I’m sure their employees have top notch health insurance without problems that people who work in other companies where they might have to worry about pre-existing conditions. Or having substandard coverage and expensive premiums.

Or like those of us on the ACA, Medicare and Medicaid.

SO, when they repeal the ACA, in addition the businesses that the Trump Organization owns and his super successful wealthy friends own, they should have no problem hiring all those who will lose their health insurance and have trouble either working full time but I’m sure that all of them could at least work part-time for their insurance and of course because they are going to have top notch health insurance without worry of higher premiums or no coverage for pre-existing conditions, like those people with cancer, people  needing organ transplants and or costly life saving medications.

Because he’s made it clear he’s not going to create the disaster that he considers Obamacare and the easiest way to do that, is by starting first creating inexpensive comprehensive health insurance benefits within his family’s businesses and those of his high powered friends.

Genius!!! Not President Donald J. Trump, GENIUS. But not bad for the complex disabled chick, right?

Right now, I am sure I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about, as President Trump did promise he would absolutely NOT touch Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.

And while I did make a snarky comment in my last blog, about the ironic coincidence of my Downtown Minneapolis address being the same as his Midtown Manhattan one, and while I’m disabled enough to need an enormous amount of time alone, between severe chronic pain, mental health issues, short and long term memory loss, on the VERY remote chance, President Trump and the Republican House and Senate, should change their mind, I’m sure that the Trump Organization can find room for me, too.

Both accomodating my disability that effects me 95% of the time when I pretty much can’t do ANYTHING, by finding me a great position with amazing benefits in either NYC or D.C. and amazing housing within his family’s vast business empire.

Sadly only about a maximum of 5% of the time, I’m an absolute sorta  genius. But I ABSOLUTELY  could have a lot to offer in that 5% of the time that I’m not incapicated by disabilities, doing TERRIFIC things  in his family’s business.

Well maybe, somewhat terrific, not MAGNIFICENT work like him and his family and friends.

So while I can’t worry about that, losing the little that I have, at this present time. For myself, anyways. I am feeling better, should he and Congress eliminate my SSDI, Medicare, Medicaid and affordable housing.

Not just for myself but for those who are like me, in similar circumstances.

As I’m sure being the  shrewd negotiator, that I am, 1% of the time, I can imagine to land a great position and I would expect to have the same address in New York, that I do in Minneapolis. I’m not delusional though. I don’t expect a PENTHOUSE.

A free or inexpensive  but beautiful 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom apartment in Trump Tower on 5th Avenue (corner unit, please)  would work just fine. As well of course, a top notch private school for my  almost 14 year old daughter who will be starting high school, next year. With the tuition for that, being part of my benefits package. And I would expect a decent position for my 24 year old, who already works in a financial instituition as part of as incentive (I’m thinking my son could EASILY work side to side with Don and Eric) to hire the absolute kinda  genius that I am, 1-5% of the time, when I’m not dealing with all this disability and pain crap.

President Trump really needs to get on this immediately!!! He’s more than welcome to take the credit for it, because he, well not him, as it’s a conflict of interest when it comes to my working, but for making this a probability to save all these families on welfare who live in squalor or who are homeless, by piloting programs that I’ve suggested in his already super successful pre-existing organizations.

And those of his super successful uber wealthy friends.

Because unfortunately, if he doesn’t take me up on this amazing best of the best idea, that I just outlined in this blog, 20 million people who are going to be at serious  risk losing livlihoods and their lives, should Obamacare be repealed before being replaced, which he did PROMISE that wouldn’t happen. And I know President Donald Trump ALWAYS keeps his promises!!!

Best. Idea. Ever. Right???

p.s. I’m sure if there isn’t much attrition in the Trump businesses, the Kushners would be super HAPPY to have me. I even remember enough Ivrit, to say the blessing for the wine. Although in my case, I’m gonna find out the hebrew word for rum, as I think that’s what it’s gonna take for me to get through the next 4 years…..

Note: While I’ve always said in the past that my blog while isn’t a dictatorship, it ain’t a democracy, either. So it’s possible I may post a comment that I don’t like or it’s possible that I won’t.

But I’ll work harder not to be flip flopping all the time. Inspired by the steadfast open mindedness and encouragement of free speech, in our current adminstration…………


(me above 12-1-2016, last day of being 46. It’s what I look like when I first wake up in the morning and yeah, it boggles my mind, too, of  how I wasn’t asked to walk in yesterday’s Victoria Secret 2016 Fashion Show. I’m obviously kidding, I’ve lost most of my mind this year, proud to still have retained something of my crappy sense of humor!!!)

(hey, if you lean towards the right, the last 5 minutes of this video above, is still AWESOME)

And while I’m at it, as I’m sure it’s not going to be any better,  FUCK YOU 47th year and FUCK YOU, too 2017!!!

Uh, I guess it’s a little LATE to post a trigger warning for profanity, eh?

Gawd, this was a fucking AWFUL year!!!

Not 2008 AWFUL, which was spent in first of of 2 group homes for the severely mentally ill, post August of 2008 suicide attempt, but hey they baked a birthday cake on my birthday that I shouldn’t have ate a bite of  but tried and projectiled vomited !!!

Not 2009 birthday awful, when in 2nd group home, spent celebrating my 40th birthday by myself at Mc Donald’s, same story, between pesky multiple ulcers and psych meds that made me crave food I couldn’t possibly keep down (couldn’t keep any food or liquid down, for the matter and by 2009 and I’d almost gained a 100 of the 107 lbs I lost after my gastric bypass due to those meds) projectile vomiting the fucking 40th birthday McAngus burger I was obsessed with having to try a few bites of …

Not 2010 awful,  (knowing better now then to ever eat anything or drink anything when STILL this FUCKING sick, it also helped not being on those meds any  longer, both psychiatrist and PCP took me off them) when not on and also 3 months post reversal, where I still was projectile vomiting enough, that even though I had been living on my own since New Year’s Day 2010, most of the time was on the campus of Fairview University Medical Center, my 41st birthday, no exception. As I was scheduled for an EGD on my birthday that they couldn’t get an IV in to do the actual fucking  EGD and I ended up getting a PICC line the next day as my labs were still really low. And being sick enough in December of 2010, where while I had reconnected with friends, was too sick and I actually missed my own fucking birthday party!!!

So after all the shit I’ve been through, you’d think I’d give being 46 and 2016, a bit of a break, right?

Cause, a big YAY  for me, I’m still ALIVE…

However this my birthday blog, which my 47th birthday isn’t til tomorrow AND my 2016 year in review.

And while it wasn’t the worst year ever in my life, truthfully, it really SUCKED.

Beginning with Winter of 2016, when my best friend (friends on and off for almost 25 years, reconnected though in 2010 through Facebook) emotionally and mentally threw me under a bus. Because I left her late February of 2016 birthday party, due to a migraine, apparently that made me the FUCKING anti-christ.

Which really wasn’t the reason. I apparently was a horrible person who being devoid of having any responsibilities like most adults our age, just wasn’t worth keeping around anymore.

In HER defense, I’ll say she does take care of a lot of people, she has a lot of friends, she has a family and even though her children are grown, she does take care of a lot of people, whether or not they’ve asked her to…

In my defense, knowing that my life is so abnormal compared to most people my age who work, who are actively raising children or seeing their adult kids and grandchildren a lot, I don’t put pressure on anyone to make contact or see me. I let my friends and family set the tone and I have really good boundaries, being really super aware of my barriers.

I didn’t deserve what she said and what she did. I wasn’t one of those who asked her to take care of me. I don’t do much, but I can take care of myself. But maybe having to care for so many people and I being a safe person for her to take her crap out on, and with her resenting the amount of free time I have, she did so and then emotionally eviscerated me, verbally and then has ghosted me, ever since.

She  broke my heart, but luckily she didn’t break me. But as she knows and anyone else, if I could survive what I have, I can survive that. I can FUCKING survive pretty much ANYTHING. And I have.

Reinforcing that when I literally or metaphorically fall, I still could get back up again. I actually was under the belief though, if I fell physically it would be almost impossible for me to keep running around like I do in public.

That got tested when I fell pretty hard, 2 months ago during rush hour, 2 blocks before the last preseason Vikings game, 2 blocks away from the new U.S Bank stadium, here in Downtown Minneapolis, becoming rush hour roadkill in front of about 300 people who and where NO  ONE thought of, when people walked around me and NO ONE helped me up. As physically excruciating as that fall was, it was ALSO humilating, too .

Until I realized the humiliation was NOT mine to bear. And went for an 8 mile walk, the next day, to prove I’m emotionally stronger (kinda stupid though from a physical disability point of view but had to for emotional strengthening) and physically stronger than I give myself credit for.

I, at least do help people when they physically and mentally fall down hard. As last exampled when a large homeless guy fell about 8 feet in front of me, 2 days ago, when going on a walk, near my apartment building (I live in Downtown Minneapolis). I did help him back up (other people by then, also helped me, too).

Which kinda restored my faith in Minnesota Nice.

I do still have my boyfriend of over 5 years now. And he’s awesome. As my physical pain issues get worse and I found out this year, that I am actively in Menopause, which really sucks, I do spend EVEN more time, by myself.

And while on a good day I could probably still probably figure out how to operate a jumbo jet and perform a thoracotomy, simuatenously, I have more days where I can’t do anything, and if I get out of bed ( a must as sleeping causes a lot of pain) and have a drink of water in the 17 hours that I’ve been up, it’s a fucking miracle.

My heart is ALWAYS going to hurt, because of my circumstances with my children. I do see them and they are doing great and I’m so grateful for that.

So I do try to count my blessings.Like ALL THE TIME.  I’m not living the life of my dreams and hopes like I was 11 years ago with my children , but I’m not living a fucking living nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from, like I was from 2007 to 2010, either.

However, I’ve felt a general malaise, that is relatable to a lot of people,, more so this year even though it hasn’t been as physically and mentally awful as the years mentioned above for me, as most people have.

What I’m talking about is, of couse, the CLUSTERFUCK that was the Presidential Election of 2016. And all the beloved talented performance artists we lost this year, whether it be actors or musicians.

I’m not trying to offend any of my friends or my family who lean more to the right. Because I think for most of us, here in the now in what is definely the fucking Divided States of America, this election was not fun for ANYONE.

I just have so little to lose but truthfully with a Republican EVERYTHING, am in greater danger of losing the little that I have.

I honestly thought that I’d feel some kind of relief, naievly so, after the election was over. It didn’t hit me, even though I didn’t assume like most, that Hillary Clinton would win, that I’d be this terrified, now that it’s over.

While I’ve reduced my social media presence greatly, especially this year, I didn’t fucking  become  Amish. Although I  honestly did think about becoming Amish, this year. Seriously.While I’m not on Facebook and Twitter very much, I’m still on the internet (hence one of the reasons I didn’t move to Lancaster, PA, this year) and I’m still an internet junkie.

And so while I can get some temporary feeling of a laughter when I watch comedians such as John Oliver, Bill Maher and Samantha Bee, think about something from my perspective.

But unfortunately all these funny wealthy comedians and talk show hosts are scaring the FUCKING HELL out of ME!!!

And probably quite a few others, who might be like me, in sentiment or circumstances…..

IF all these people who have money and some kind of power are so terrified for our nation, what are people like ME supposed to fucking FEEL???  I’m NOT talking just about me. I’m talking about people who are lower income, in addition to minorities, Muslims and anyone who has something to lose with a completely Republican congress and President.

AND if that wasn’t bad enough, from an activist point of view there’s been all this loss of life. People killing their families. All the violence that’s happening EVERYWHERE. All these tragedies both in the U.S and around the world. Natural disasters. It’s so hard to feel any feeling of safety in any kind of way, with what it seems like the direction our how people are just snapping and our future seems so unsettled.

And as we’re seeing, people of PRIVILEGE of any kind, whether they were born into it, or they worked for it, they aren’t IMMUNE, either to hardship, hurt, hate or death. And when in crisis, having it all over the media. Over and over again.

I can only hope that my own mental health issues are a barrier of causing me to be this pessimistic. Even though I’m fairly rational most of the time, devoid of any delusion and unfortunately, firmly grounded in reality.

I can only hope that I’m REALLY  wrong that almost everything seems like it’s going to HELL in a handbasket…

At the same time, I am NOT sorry that I carry opinions that if you carry beliefs that will put us back in the FUCKING late 1600’s, as far as human rights, that you should have the same technology options. So don’t mind me, coming and taking your smartcars, smartphones and other tech stuff and selling it and donating the money to charity (okay, I obviously wouldn’t fucking do that)  but it’s kinda of a fun temporary distraction to fantasize about!!!

So this is why I haven’t been on social media much or have been blogging. I still have been doing the activism that I do, but very quietly.

And this is why I don’t have much hope for my 47th year (even though I’m shocked like I have been for the last 10 years that I managed to hang on this long!!! ) OR the YEAR of 2017.

Anyways, I can only hope for those who’ve had a horrible year, for even more horrible reasons, as I know this was a tough year for a lot of people that wasn’t politically driven, I do hope things get better for you. And again, maybe I’ll be wrong in everything I’ve said I’m worried about.

So… FUCKING Happy Birthday to me, tomorrow. And to Britney Spears, cause it’s her birthday,tomorrow, as well.

And Happy Holidays to all. Cause chances are this is my last blog on WordPress for the year….

And may GOD or any other higher power, depending on what you personally believe in, such as Batman, Superman, Iron Man (yes, I know I know they are fictional charachters) , or some real life Marvel hero we haven’t heard yet, PLEASE FUCKING HELP the United States of America, as well as the rest of the world….

(edit/update 3/2017 the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds almost 4 weeks after I published this..NO (well, additional at this time) WORDS 😦 )

p.s. One last little relatable to this year fun fact about my fucking IRONIC crazy life:
727 5th Avenue/Midtown Manhattan-Tiffany and Co. AND Trump Tower.
727 5th Avenue/Downtown Minneapolis-“Frump Tower”, okay that’s not nice.

Well it’s actually named  Mabeth Paige Hall, a building that’s on the historic registry and actually where I actually live.  The “frump ” is referring to the fact my apartment is TINY and affordable housing. and I’m actually very grateful to have my housing. And I do volunteer work for the non profit that owns it.

And if anyone is actually fucking dumb enough to try and come and find me, with bad intentions, well you may meet one my  few “interesting” neighbors and/or their friends.. Ya can’t say weren’t warned!!!

p.s.s. I still  FUCKING  still rather live at 727 5th Avenue in Downtown Minneapolis vs. 727 5th Avenue aka Trump Tower in  Midtown Manhattan!!!!! And for some odd reason, I find the lil tidbit above, kinda hilarious. Which is like good, cause a sense of humor is like REALLY necessary in my life, with most things in my life, not being funny, AT ALL……

Note: Any comments that can be triggering to any of my readers, ESPECIALLY me, will not be posted, this being my birthday blog. Unless you’re like most of my stupid haters and find the most ridiculous things to pick at me at and are kind of funny in how ya hate on me……

Then it’s possible it might get posted…

Or if I managed to miss Rumpspringa and  you’re  reading this and you’re actually Amish. Then, yeah I definitely owe you an apology. And if you are, I’m fucking really sorry.

As we still have Freedom of Speech. Well for now, anyways…………….

p.s.s.s. Also note… If blogs of mine contain copious amounts of profanity, there’s a lot of stuff that I’m NOT saying. Not necessarily because I’m afraid of the repercussions. But it may have repercussions on people and causes that I care about…

So I don’t know what’s more disconcerting….

That I’m blogging when bored out of my mind….

OR that boredom led me to find out that the 1st night of Hanukkah falls on Christmas Eve this year (thanks Google!!!)…

Now if you think my cognitive disabilities did a number on my English, it really did a number on my Hebrew and the little that I recall about Judiasm, period.

But I still remember a few years ago, writing about the whole Thanksgivikah situation on social media. So I thought I’d get a head start on blogging about any potential issues that this could (like really NEVER) present this December.

And I’m not really worried about this, to tell you the truth. I’m kinda REALLY worried about the 2016 Presidential election. And that’s really too scary for my lil feeble mind to have to keep worrying about, so I’ll make whole potential Chrismanukkah situation an issue for me, and if you’d like to borrow it, as an issue, you’re welcome.

So here’s the SIX  potential problems that we/you could be facing this Hanumas/Chrismanukkah:

6. Making sure you don’t mix up the Hanukkah/Christmas wrapping when wrapping presents this year.

5. Same with the holiday cards, unless you already send just “Happy Holidays” cards.

4. The time constraints if you’re a multi-cultural family of having to go to a BAZILLION Hanukkah/Christmas/New Year’s Eve celebrations, it’s not like you aren’t busy enough, right?

3. Trying to explain to your spouse’s 88 year old great aunt from Watertown, SD who Adam Sandler is, when you have 2 Hanukkah based songs (basically there’s that and the dreidel song, us Jews don’t have a lot to choose from) and if one of them is Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song is one of them, that it’s kind of in jest, on your playlist, compared to the other 92,361 CHRISTMAS songs on your play list, this Christmas Eve.

2. Of trying to be creative in the kitchen in coming up with something that merges both holidays together. A bouche de noel made out of potato latkes? I don’t think so. That would be right behind fruitcake, as a detestable holiday food.

1. Last but not least in multi-cultural celebrated holidays homes. While you’ll have to decide how you want to separate presents, etc. One thing that doesn’t belong under a Christmas tree? A lighted menorah. Don’t need to include the fire department on your list of people visiting your house this Christmas Eve.

Last but not least, don’t forget Kwanzaa on December 26th.

And if someone comes up with a Yarmistletoe (something I just invented), I wanna cut of the profits, if you actually sell one.

So someone tell Veronica, it will soon be Chrismanukkah…..

Note: There are a few things to be mad, sad and afraid of, in the next few months… This blog not be one of them. Any 88 year old great aunts from Watertown, SD who are Adam Sandler fans and love the Hanukkah Song, I DO  apologize for potentially insulting you or hurting your feelings.


(above photo credit: Me, which I didn’t realize I could actually prove, until I found the pic and put in this blog, taken 6 weeks prior to Prince’s death @ Electric Fetus in Minneapolis)

And many thanks to Target. As their corporate headquarter’s LED light show reminded me, that I need to do this, as it was purple last night, I’m thinking given that today, it’s been exactly 6 months since Prince died.

And I finally need to say something via my blog.

I wanted to write a blog when Prince died. I, like millions of others were greatly saddened and felt a great loss.

It’s actually a good thing I didn’t write anything. Because I would’ve bet ANYTHING, that his death could’ve   NOT been drug related. And I was so angry regarding the global phenomenon that became of his death, because not unlike Robin Williams’s death which I’ve blogged about, because of the constant speculation and constant global chatter about it, online and off.

There’s something that Prince, Robin Williams and I have/had in common.

We all are/were extraordinarily PRIVATE people.

But I have the benefit and luxury of anonymity in having privacy in all aspects of my life, not being a celebrity or a genius in the performing arts.

As far as Prince is concerned, I loved quite a bit of his music. I thought it was awesome that he considered Minnesota home.

I honestly don’t mean to offend anyone with what I’m about to say. As I have people in my life who knew of Prince, personally. I have people in my life who’ve done what many thousands of others have done, to connect in mourning his death. Going to Paisley Park, posting tributes online and offline for him.

But on the off chance, others who might feel like I do, I’m going to say what I have been feeling.


But I guess as a lawyer said in a local paper, no one is entitled to privacy, after their death.

His home, his sanctuary, is now a fucking museum. You want to honor the extraordinary gift that he was to us as a man or musician?

Great… Don’t infringe on how felt about  his copyrighted work. Try to get behind one of many of  causes that he felt passionately about. Refuse to endorse in any way, anything that does not respect for what you know of what he believed in. Especially when it comes to his privacy which he treasured almost as much as the music that he gave us. Don’t act in a manner, as far as he was concerned, that you couldn’t defend to him, if he was still alive.

It’s NOT anything honoring him, as the exploitation of Prince, in principle and for profit,that has happened of Prince, in his death and after it. It’s AWFUL and it needs to STOP…….


Note: As a reminder I’m a disabled blogger. My blog while not a dictatorship is not a democracy. I do encourage dialogue or respectful disagreements of opinions. I will not post any comments that are triggering to me, or another. I respect and don’t cause hurt on other people’s spaces in the internet, when I disagree, and I hope you’ll show me the same courtesy. Thanks!!!!

I really did not want to have to write another Kardashian blog. I’ve made no bones in the past while I’m so NOT KarJenner/Kanye West fan, I’ve admired their business saavy and and as it applies to Kim, I’ve thought she’s an amazing business woman, where  I didn’t love the slut shaming and fat shaming she’s been subjected to in the past.

I’m nothing less than horrified about all the hate that’s been thrown Kim Kardashian West’s way, since she was robbed at GUNPOINT in Paris, a few days ago.

That’s not okay. It’s re-victimizing a victim, so shortly after something that was a horribly traumatic event, that could’ve ended in a true tragedy. She shouldn’t be blaming herself and NO ONE else should be blaming her, either.

I couldn’t care less, if she was walking around in nothing but diamonds, half naked with  a skimpy dress made out of $100 bills, Snapchatting everything she does, she DID NOT deserve what happened to her. And being a brilliant businesswoman that she is (um, cause like no one who didn’t inherit a 150 million dollars becomes WORTH that, by being stupid) it’s her perogative to make money how she sees fit and spend it that way.

IF there wasn’t a demand to know of every move she makes and everything she does, as well as the rest of the family, there wouldn’t be a supply.

And my answer would be ABSOLUTELY NOT, I don’t think that the actual crime was anything perpetuated with her knowledge or consent or anyone who’s she’s affiliated with or cares about. I don’t think she’d stoop that low. I think it was a calculated move on professional criminals, to make a lot of money on her diamonds, which is DISGUSTING.

And at this point in time, if she’d leave social media, completely, she still would have paparazzi AND haters following every move she makes.

In this social media era we live in and some of the psychopathic and/or sociopathic behavior that it’s created, it’s bad enough that a gang of potentially violent criminals thought it was okay to rob her.

It’s another thing to have to see such a hateful society horrifically thinking that she deserved it.

Which I find equally horrifying and despicable.

My firstborn happens to be a HUGE Kanye West fan (see how that works, even if his mother is NOT (although truth be told, I did have a small crush on Kanye, in 2005/2006 right after Gold Digger which I do actually like the song, I know, I know, I suck as an activist and I’m digressing)  BUT, I don’t tell him who he should listen to and not listen to and he doesn’t tell me what to like  and what and WHO  not to blog about!!!

My son has spent a lot of  his own hard worked for money on Yeezy stuff, including a ticket to Kanye’s concert next week in St. Paul, as a birthday present to himself. My son’s perogative.  He enjoys Kanye’s music, Kanye as an artist and his shoes and how he spends the money he works for, is his OWN damn business.

I can only do and say what I feel is right. I don’t feel bad about my previous blogs, which even at my most strongest worded blogs about not having a great love for the KarJenners, I never wished them bad or harm. I, at best, just really hoped that we could live in a society that didn’t have to hear about them every second of every day, which I do resent.

And as I’ve said in past blogs, they don’t deserve to have to be worried about being harmed in any way.

While I seriously doubt that any KarJenner will see this, if I could have the means to tell Kim Kardashian West, I’d tell her I’m really sorry she was so violently victimized like this. That it wasn’t her fault. That she shouldn’t have to change who she is or what she does, to not have to worry about such a horrific thing happening to her or any member of her family.  That I do only hope she and her family increases security, which they are doing, because what happened to her in Paris, could happen to her ANYWHERE or ANYTIME, given the awful for the most part society we live in, nowadays. She’s certainly NOT the first wealthy celebrity to show off her expensive possessions.

Unfortunately, what happened to Kim Kardashian West,  could also happen to ANY ONE OF US, even a poor person like me. I could check in at Taco Bell on Facebook, with my recent purchase of a $7.99 Betsy Johnson purse I got at Goodwill on my person. And some low life could think it’s okay to assault me or rob me of that purse. Whether they are hater who follows me on social media. Or they just saw me and felt the need to victimize me.

Or someone else not in the public eye could post a cute picture of their baby on social media and someone kidnap it. Neither this scenario or the one I posted above would be OK. It would be horrible and worthy of compassion and understanding. NOT HATE

And what terrifyingly happened to Kim Kardashian West, is worthy of compassion, too.

Note: I will NOT post any comments that support a victim shaming mentality. Whether it’s about Kim Kardashian West, her husband and/or the rest of her family or you want to call me out on my past blogs, mocking them, but reiterating that it’s not okay to hate, victim shame or harm them.

Also, if you’re a social media bud that I like, but don’t agree with me, please have enough respect to respectfully agree to disagree and not comment. Thanks!!!

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