It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

(Note: I’m not normally in the habit of reposting blogs. This blog that I wrote and published exactly a year ago, reminded me of a happier and much more productive time in my life.

If anyone would’ve told me that in the 21 years following what this blog is about, my life and almost everyone else’s, for those of us who’ve been around awhile, and have managed to escape, horrible tragedy, obviously people have some major changes in their lives, mine is stranger than most, given the fact that 10 years after this EPIC moment in my life, 10 years later,  in 2006, while my life still was completely different, in the fact, instead of being a very overweight loving single mother of one, I’d be a very sick (to get even sicker and nearly die, including my daughter who she and I nearly died when I gave birth to her in 2003 but I’d be a very thin single mother of 2, still hoping to launch her own business. And I also nearly died because of my mental health ( “my one and only” suicide attempt in 2008) and for years gastric bypass complications that  I would’ve died without my gastric bypass being reversed in 2010, I still can’t get over, the twists personally that I’ve gone through.

Let alone, still trying to grasp that while we were still a fairly evolved society, I don’t know if anyone knew that 21 years ago, from this date, life would be in both wonderful and horrific ways, the way it is now.

But because my blogs have been so serious and on the sad side, this year, I needed the reminder of ONE absolute AMAZING thing in my past, that I can be somewhat proud of. As while I didn’t get to choose being on that flight, my being really good at my job at the time, was what got me the opportunity.

IF you need to share something amazing either past or present, that was a happy life changing moment in your life , feel free to do that in the comment section of my blog.

And while I’m thinking of London and Paris, fondly of the past, I’m heartbroken what’s happened there, in the last 2 weeks to 2 years, let alone globally, sometimes it helps to remember where there’s life, there’s hope and fighting the good fight, in all types of evil and  hopefully that’s how we can honor those who’ve lost their lives in such tragic circumstances. As well as all those who are no longer with us, for whatever reason. Peace ❤ )


( pic above found on internet, last year and was what Princess Diana was wearing (and so was her double) when boarding BA296 on 6-6-1996 from Chicago O’Hare to London Heathrow/ no copyright infringement, intended )

(No copyright infringement intended with above image and video)

For Zoe Arielle, Zachary, My Mom and Dad……

You’re probably thinking, where the heck have you been the last 3 months, Lisa?

Not gonna talk about that today. I will talk about what I was doing exactly 20 years ago, but I probably should add some back story, whether you’re a new reader of my blog or you’ve read previous blogs of mine.

For most of my working life, I did customer service, as a job. I had been employed for over 4 years with CVN/QVC (QVC bought CVN in 1989) and in Fall of 1992, when 9 months pregnant with Zach, I moved, lost a job (was laid off) and had him in a 2 1/2 week period of time.

For the first 2 1/2 years after Zachary was born, I did childcare. It allowed me to work full time and be with him. The first year, I was a nanny. The 18 months after that, I worked in a home daycare.

In 1995, I decided to go back to working in customer service. I missed having a job with benefits. So I ended up getting a full-time  job at Carlson Marketing Group, on the account for British Airways where we managed their Frequent Traveller Programme for the U.S. (brit speak for frequent flyer program).

I had amazing skills of getting really interesting jobs in “white collar offices” and/or large companies, based in Minneapolis, for  below “blue collar” pay. Even though most of my working life, the benefits at any company I worked at, were good.  I was paying almost 50% of my income at the time, in rent for a 1 bedroom apartment that Zachary and I lived in and I grossed $30 too much for food stamps.

The irony of the above, will become relevant in a few paragraphs, please be patient with me.

But life at that time, for the most part, was lovely. Zach and I did ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) in the evenings, twice a week and I had facilitated for the last year, a single parent support group for over a year at that time, at my local YMCA.And I was really good with money, then. And my parents helped out with automobile related issues, which helped.

Working on British Airways for CMG, for the most part, was a great job. And I had amazing communication skills, which was needed, given the diversity of their clientele. We had to deal with celebrities, heads of Fortune 100 companies and obviously their staff. And while BA was a demanding client, they treated us well.

In late Spring of 1996, BA had a contest for us, not saying the specifics of it, about excellence in customer service. Because I had so many letters of gratitude from customers, I decided to enter. So I sent about a dozen letters in. And didn’t think anymore about it.

What I won, when I found out, a few weeks later, was a trip to London. Okay, that’s AWESOME.Because at that time, other than being in every state you could drive through between Minnesota, out east to New Jersey, as well as flying to New York, a couple of times and one trip to Florida, when I was 15, I had NEVER been out of the country.

However, this was to be in a video for training purposes. At that time, that was a little less awesome, if I’m going be honest, as this was 5 1 /2 years before I had my gastric bypass and I wasn’t happy with my weight. And I certainly didn’t love being photographed, let alone the thought of being in a video that many people would see. But to get paid to go to London, as a 26 year old single mother??? I’m not going to decline it.

We were to leave less than two weeks from the time we were notified. Because there was a government shut down at the time, we had to get our passports the day we departed.

Okay.. Enough back story… Here we go…..

***Thursday/June 6th, 1996***

It’s early morning and I leave my apartment dressed in business attire, to drive and park at the airport parking lot of Minneapolis/St.Paul International. Both British Airways and CMG were picking up all the expenses related to the trip and I had dropped Zachary off at my parents, the night before. He was 3 1/2 years old at the time, and I had not yet been away from him any longer than 24 hours.

My co-worker who also won, met me at the airport and we flew together from Minneapolis to O’Hare on Northwest. I can’t remember all of the terminals, now, other than British Airways was in terminal 5, and Northwest’s terminal didn’t have lockers, so we had to go to I think terminal 3, to drop our luggage off and then took a cab to the Kluczynski Federal Building.

We arrive and because this was post OKC bombing, security was tight. And when make it to the same day passport office, it seemed like there a bazillion other people in line waiting to be taken care of.

We get helped and then are told to come back after lunch, to pick up our passports. So my co-worker and I go to a really cool bar and grill, and the television is on, specifically the news. It’s showing Princess Diana, not terribly far from us, as she was in town for breast cancer awareness.

So not only am I going to London and getting paid for it, but I manage to be in Chicago at the same time as Princess Diana was !!! This is getting more awesome by the minute.

So we get done with lunch and then things get a little nerve wracking. Our passports are taking forever, by the time we get them, we quickly grab a cab to get back to O’Hare, there is so much traffic on Edens Expressway, as well as our moronic cabdriver had to stop and get gas that we are risk of missing our flight.

By the time we get to terminal “whatever” to pick up our luggage, get to terminal 5, we have a little over an hour before a flight is to depart and as we check in, they are already starting to board. Because we were on business for BA, we were flying Club World, which just had been renovated, as BA did a rebranding of sorts, in 1996. It’s beautiful and the seats are HUGE.

I get seated away from co-worker, who was kind of on the annoying side, thank goodness and am in awe of where I am. That soon changes when a flight attendant who knew me by name, approached me. “Miss Kasen, I have something for you. You left your return ticket on your flight into Chicago, so we called your employer and here you go”. I thank her, but now I am still an awe, but feeling like the biggest IDIOT, in the whole world.

Shortly after, as I had the window seat, the passenger next to me, gets seated. He’s a nice older British gentleman, and while were getting acquainted, he gasps, pointing out, “Look, there’s Princess Diana!!!”.

So now I’m doubly in awe, still kind of feeling like an idiot, though, as not only am in Chicago at the same time as Princess Di, I’m actually at the same airport.

FIVE minutes later she boards the plane. I can’t remember what the plane was, I think it was 767, not sure. I know the makeup of the plane was cockpit, First, Club World, galley, where we boarded, another Club World and then Economy. However because I was in the back row of Club World, in front of the galley, I was the very FIRST passenger she saw and she made eye contact with.

(the outfit I was wearing was LITERALLY big blobs of purple and white pantsuit that like cost me a day’s pay, at Catherine’s that I got a few days before the trip)

As gorgeous as she ever was in photographs, she’s just as, if not more so, stunning in person. She’s traveling with a body double who’s dressed identical to her. And with a fairly large entourage who was seated in my section of Club World. We are offered a glass of champagne, once they are all seated (which I declined).

As the flight starts to depart, there’s a lot of fanfare so to speak. There’s a ton of security and as well as the press on the ground. In my case, I had a slight fear of flying, but thought that this flight with Princess Diana on it, would have to be probably one of the safest flights in the world.

There was some unspoken agreement that no passenger would speak to her. She did come back to my section of Club World, to speak with people who she was traveling with (I did check the flight manifest, when I got back to work, as I had access and she was in First, basically by herself and one other couple).

We had like a 5 course dinner. As well as for First and Club World (sorry, I should probably reiterate, BA called First Class, just First, Club World was business class and I forgot the catchy name for economy, at the time) had access to “raid the larder” which was set up in the galley behind me, which was a buffet, in case one got hungry.

I was too excited to eat anything more than dinner. Not to mention, that nice British chap, seated next to me, pretty much fell asleep from the time the flight departed, until we arrived early Friday morning in London. Because the seats extended out, it was hard to leave mine, without disturbing him. I think I went to the bathroom only once, right before we arrived, to freshen up. I was too busy Princess Diana watching, the whole entire night.

Our flight arrived like 40 minutes ahead of schedule. They were brilliant in the fact that Princess Diana and her entourage, were not only the last to board, but they were the last to exit the plane. So everyone then, knew she was on our flight. I smiled in awe at her, one last time, when exiting the plane and got fast tracked through customs. Got my luggage in amazingly short time.Then shortly after that, took a shuttle to Forte Crest which was the hotel I was staying near Heathrow.

Well now, I realize, I’m talking more about the trip, then just my flight, exactly 20 years ago, feel free not to finish reading or take your chances, as it is an interesting story.

That’s actually true and not fictional, which I can’t get over, to this very day!!!

This is the awesome thing that I didn’t know as this was my first (and ONLY) business trip. When you get into town, you can check in immediately. We were only scheduled to work for 4 hours, the next day, in the afternoon to film the video. However, while it was 7 a.m when I was checking into my hotel in London, it was only 1 a.m in Minneapolis, so I had like 6 hours to kill before I could call ALMOST EVERYBODY, but especially my Mom and Dad, to tell them about my absolutely AMAZING flight to London, with Princess Diana being on my flight!!!

I take a shower once I get to the hotel, change into more casual clothes and decide to go exploring London. Which I don’t find out, until I’m there, is about 30 miles away from Heathrow, which I go through to get there. I get to central London and take a double decker bus. London is extraordinarily beautiful. I have some extra money, as my parents gave me $400, that I could go to Paris, if I wanted, or to have some extra money, as some things couldn’t get expensed, until I returned.As Sunday would also be a day that I could do what I want, I was only working that Saturday afternoon, so I had planned on going to Paris on Sunday.

I get back to my hotel at 3 p.m. on Friday (6-7-96). I decide to call my Dad at work (he had his own business, that I would occasionally and my sisters worked for him, in transportation and my Mom was with Zachary) tell him about my trip so far and was happy that Zachary was doing great.

After calling my best friend at the time, to tell her, then I decide to get room service for an early dinner and they would say in the U.K, I was all knackered out. I fell asleep for like the next 10 hours, but woke up in plenty of time, to make sure I was ready, when getting picked up by someone who was employed at British Airways, to take us to the venue, outside of London, to film the video.

Other than remember some famous guy from the BBC, who was cute, I don’t remember that much about making the video (and I couldn’t bear to see it, truthfully, when it was released) . I remember after we were done, as there was 3 of us (they also had a  male customer service representative from Florida, where they subcontracted their South American Frequent Traveller Programme), my co-worker in addition to appallingly badmouthing CMG, made arrangements to meet the grandaughter of a customer from Liverpool at our hotel. I explored Central London with the cute guy from Florida, such as Buckingham Palace, Hyde Park, Hard Rock Cafe, but we ate at back at the Forte Crest for dinner on Saturday night. As long as we ate at the hotel, it would be automatically paid for by British Airways, if I ate outside of it , I’d have to expense it back to CMG, when I came back.

It bears mentioning that the weekend I was in London was during the Euro 1996. So London was super busy . And because of that, the concierge at my hotel, couldn’t book a professional guided sight seeing day trip to Paris. So I ended up taking the Eurostar (the “chunnel”) the next day to Paris, which was about a 3 1/2 hours trip.

While I was seated next to a guy from Turkey on my way to Paris, who was awesome, the English Countryside was awesome, going under the English Channel was awesome, but I was kind of tired. And I really missed Zachary.

Also I didn’t get into Paris, until like 3 p.m. On a Sunday. And they aren’t kidding when they say Parisians for the most part, don’t like “tres grosse Americanes”. It was uncomfortable. So yeah I got to see with my own eyes, Place du Concorde, the Eiffel Tower, Arc De Triomphe and Versailles (well their exteriors, didn’t have the time or patience to actually go in them)  with my own eyes, I was tired. And I was kind of upset with attitude, so  much other than buying a ticket to SEE Paris, didn’t spend one single franc IN Paris.  I remember fighting with my very french cab driver because my French wasn’t so good. I thought it was fascinating though on my way back to Gard du Nord, that I saw a prostitute fighting with someone in the middle of the street and that Paris, like London, has no windows screens. Even though they do have bugs, there.

I actually returned early to London. I spent twice as long as getting to and from Paris, as I did in it. Ate something one I got back to my hotel, late that night, and had to get ready for an early flight departing out of Gatwick to Pittsburgh, early Monday morning.

My co-worker, who was starting to make me feel like a very annoyed genius, had a great idea of eating breakfast at the hotel to save money. There’s construction at Gatwick, and by the time we go to check in, we miss the chance to board. And while the check in lady, at British Airways at Gatwick was lovely, it was embarrassing as my co-worker was quite abrasive to her, which made us look even more unprofessional.

We get re-booked, luckily on a flight the same day, but departing Heathrow to O’Hare instead, still in Club World, which I was shocked because if I was that agent, I would’ve put us in Economy, if not the baggage compartment.

So we get to Heathrow and check in. When we go through security, my co-worker thinks it’s hilarious to tell the nice handsome male security guard that I have a bomb in my bag, in country that’s prone to a lot of terrorists attacks. So that requires him pulling us both out of queue, him getting female security guard to search me and my possessions. I then kind of lose it with my co-worker and tell him he’s a “%$#( idiot”, which the guard reiterates sternly to him, and we’re lucky we didn’t get in anymore trouble than that.

By the time we get back to Minneapolis, it’s mid Monday evening. I miss my son terribly. I get in my car, which I actually kiss the driver side of the door (which had a lipstick stain that couldn’t  be removed) as between planes, cabs, shuttles and the Tube, I never want to take any form of public transportation again and go to my Mom and Dad’s house and get my son, who I’m ecstatic to be back with and we go home.

I understand this was way more than just talking about that time I went to London, as a 26 year old single mother of 1, exactly 20 years ago.

When people ask me though, what’s the best things/most exciting things that’s ever happened to me, if I would name the top 3 things, it goes like this. My children are tied for #1. My flight to London with Princess Diana on the same plane is #2. I’d be lying if I didn’t cop to what I thought 10 years ago, in Summer of 2006, where I had  by  then, Zoe and Zach, was thin and fit and even though I was so horribly sick, I still had  hope that things would get better as being #3. And I’d launch a successful business, and be able to do what I wanted for work as well as provide nicely for my children, who were and still are, of course the loves of my life.

Not sorry for feeling like  a 6 hour flight with Princess Diana beating out 6  1/2  years of being thin. But not going to lie and say that there wasn’t some good things about being thin, either. After being bullied for being heavy all my life.

More people can say they lost weight  than can say they shared a flight with Princess Diana or seen her in person. I was devastated when she died 14 months later. But understood as I saw the intense press scrutiny, at least a little bit, with my very own eyes.

So what I’ve been up to lately (not much) and why I’m so stuck in the past, whether it be 20 years ago or 10 years ago,  still will be again  discussed in future blogs.

Sorry this was so terribly wordy…..And I apologize to those who may be triggered my weight talk.

p.s. I forgot to add that I talked to quite a few celebrities when I worked on BA at CMG. Miss Joan Collins, being one of them. Let’s just say she wasn’t acting in Dynasty, she’s quite the witch….

p.s.s. If the title alone of the  blog threw you, BA 296 is British Airways flight from Chicago O’hare (airport code “ORD”) to London Heathrow (airport code “LHR”)..

p.s.s.s. It probably will also be shocking that because we dealed with the elite, I could politely hold my own with customer’s who while rich or better yet rich and famous, would make one miserable if they thought their frequent flyer account was off by 1,000 miles. I read the Wall Street Journal.  I knew almost every airport code, globally, made myself familiar with almost everything international and had memorized the frequent flyer programs of BA’s Top THIRTY competitors. I could politely say to the  CFO at Goldman Sachs that it was just the same for an upgrade from Club to First on Emirates from London to Dubai, like it was on British Airways. And this was before I had my own personal computer at home, to study, anything. We had no such thing as intranet, like I did at UHG.

As always, same rules apply, comments that are triggering to others, and me included, as it took a lot of effort, to write this, will NOT be approved. Thanks!!!

(Extremely important disclaimer: I’m NOT  a clinically trained professional. If you or someone you know is in acute medical or mental health crisis, PLEASE seek immediate/acute professional help, in an acute care facility.

Because this blog is about the fact that clinicians are only human and can be in crisis, too, this is WHY I’m pressing for honest dialogue in our society about the Opiate Epidemic and removing the stigma that exists that presents a barrier for so many people being able to get the help they need that hopefully, save their lives)

Most of my blogs, as of late, have had to do with the opioid epidemic. Some of the blogs, have been out of concern of the war on drugs, having a potential to harm those who use prescription opiates, responsibly, but as a last resort to treating severe chronic pain.

Some of them have included though, the very real crisis that we are in because of opioids both prescription and illegal opiates.

My very last blog (which was extremely wordy, even for me) , had to do with my getting labeled at a an appointment with a pain management specialist, who had labeled me, due to my mental health issues and that I had very temporarily abused opiates, both almost 9 years ago (for 5 days leading up to an intentional overdose with pain meds that had been prescribed for me) and almost 7 years ago for 2 days both situations involved both being in medical AND mental health crisis.

And I’ve discussed those issues ad nauseum, in previous blogs, quite a bit, since I’ve launched this blog, almost 4 years ago.

I also had mentioned in my last blog, that I had done an internet search on that physician, prior to that appointment almost 2 weeks ago and had found that pain management specialist I had seen, in addition to being “pro Butrans”, which I didn’t think was appropriate for me, neither did she, also had nearly had her own medical license suspended due to opioid addiction, less than 2 years ago. And had multiple conditions to be able to continue having her suspsension stayed, by not being able to prescribe controlled substances, let alone be in possession of them.

It was never my intent in my last blog to shame that provider. What I did find offensive, is my history being a barrier in my getting medical care, with bias, because I had been labeled PRIOR to ever being on opiates and as someone who has a very short history that I’m not usually believed by most providers, with temporary drug abuse, just because I have mental health issues and even BEFORE my mental health issues were diagnosed in my late 30’s, just because I was a bariatric surgical patient.

The above link on my blog, that I just came across tonight, was about 2 drug counselors in a addiction facility who overdosed on heroin/fentanyl combination in Pennsylvania on Monday.

I have never not known or acknowledged that the Opioid Epidemic, not only is a VERY real crisis, not just nationally but globally, but that clinically trained medical and mental health professionals, whether they are physicians, drug counselors or any kind of practicing clinician, also can be patients with the propensity to have serious addiction problems that can be fatal, just like to any other human being.

Also, I’ve said as a mental health activist who’s also written multiple blogs about murder/suicide, what I talk about is, NOT the means of how people choose to kill themselves and MURDER others , but the desire to kill to begin with.

It’s not to minimize when I bring up gun control initiatives when talking about that. I say, with being crystal clear, that I’m not a medically or mental health clinically trained professional and/or in public safety or law enforcement professional, that taking away the weapon of choice, isn’t getting to the heart of the matter, when it comes to these tragic deaths.

That if people want to kill, if they can’t get a gun, there are many other ways that they can and WILL find to kill people.

The same applies to drugs, when it comes to addiction. If people even start out honestly because of severe chronic pain or any kind of severe pain, such as surgical or due to an accident  and whether or not,  it becomes their gateway to drug addiction and/or they just go straight to illegal drugs for emotional and or mental health health pain and find a dealer, unfortunately, it’s not always predictable who will find themselves in crisis of life ruining, if not life ending consequences due to that addiction.

Or ANY type of addiction and that’s one of the  the points of this blog. If we can’t talk about the multiple ways and multi-faceted reasons that play into addiction, honestly without stigma, whether it be drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food, social media/internet/phone that present potential for abuse, addiction, the risk to public safety/personal health threats on humans and the fatalities that are occuring , we don’t have a prayer of reducing them.

It’s becoming obvious and it doesn’t take a clinically trained professional to state, that you can’t legistlate away addiction, it can make it only slightly harder to get drug of choice, it doesn’t take away the propensity for addiction, away.

Unfortunately, while it’s a lot easier to identify what barriers we are experiencing as a society when it comes to these threats, it’s a lot harder to find out what it’s going to take to make inroads in reducing addiction and both accidental and intentional overdoses.

But we  can’t just continue to believe it’s the epidemic itself, that’s killing so many people and/or ruining their lives.

Because the truth is, the STIGMA  and reluctance to have an open and honest dialogue is equally to blame.

This can’t continue to be a “don’t do drugs” or “ban all drugs” conversation, as prevention initiatives just aren’t working for so many. I’m in no way discounting them. They have value, it’s just not enough.

It has to become, why we are a globally, humans who can be prone to addictions of different natures that can be life ruining and life ending for almost anyone and everyone, which almost all of us, know someone who’s life has been ended too soon or ruined due to addiction, as well as loved ones who are effected by these crisies.

How many people are going to have to die, until the dialogues start and more initiatives are in place for study of, evaluation and better treatment options of disease of addiction themselves that don’t have the potential to lead to other addictions or other potential serious medical/mental health issues????

Note: I’m hoping this starts an honest dialogue to help. I always appreciate differing opinions if shared respectfully and responsibly.

Any comments that could be potentially triggering or are not constructive, will NOT published.

(Edit Note: Unfortunately, slight edits that were made before publishing didn’t take when blog was posted. It didn’t effect greatly my intention with this blog, just clarifying that I apologize that, it wasn’t as clear as intended it to be, from the start but also with the fact for new readers, I am a disabled blogger who writes about disabilities, in addition to topics like this one, that I feel passionately about)

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I hoped that the next blog that I would write, would be in the realm of activism regarding mental health,  not talking about another devastating encounter with a new physician.

I admit that I  not an easy patient to treat. As I’ve said in previous blogs that my disabilities make it hard to express myself in logical sequence of order and in complete thought processes, which can make me difficult to understand.

It’s compounded a bazillion times, between anxiety, due to the fact I do have mental health issues, I have temporarily abused drugs, twice, in my life, that I’m quite forthcoming in this blog about that and the labeling I’ve experienced.

I had seen my long term PCP 2 weeks ago. Because we were at an impasse with my medication management, I had agreed to see a pain management specialist to give insight to the both of us, of what would be the best course of action.

As my physician didn’t feel comfortable increasing my dosages and I metabolize meds or have bad side effects to so many medications.

Or they just don’t work at all.

I was able to get into pain management today. I had anxiety of course, which I explained and it was hard for me to be concise.

While the pain management specialist was forthcoming about that she didn’t necessarily agree with my medication regimen, she didn’t agree or understand that after all the doctor visits I’ve had in my life, in the last 10 years between mental health and my gastric bypass complications, that I at this point didn’t want to see a bunch of doctors again and because of the severity of side effects from so many drugs, I didn’t want to try any new medications.

Nor did I want to be taken off the medications that I was currently on.

It was a long intake appointment with the understanding that while she didn’t agree with my being on opiates, that she’d leave that up to my long term PCP and she said, very clearly, that  she wouldn’t interfere with that.

So I did shoot off my prescribing physician, a few hours after I got home, a message of what transpired in my visit with her, while it was fresh in my mind, as I knew that it wasn’t a stellar visit for either one of us.  I detailed what she agreed with my physician, and of her urging me to be under the care of clinical mental health professionals and follow pain management modalities .

Unfortunately for me, I took her at her word that she said she would NOT interfere with my doctor continuing on my current medication regimen. That she appreciated as a pain management specialist, that I am concerned between having mental health issues, that I don’t want to have addiction issues and I would rather not be medicated at all for pain then risk addiction and becoming either a prescription drug addict or trying street drugs, something I’ve never done.

I try to treat myself, from a patient perspective, because I have an addictive personality and mental illness, of knowing that could be the case and it’s a mixed blessing that opiates don’t work as well as they should, because if they did, my circumstances could be a whole different story, and I’d have full blown addiction issues, which I don’t, but it’s nothing short of a miracle that I don’t.

Things that I’m completely honest about. Among other humiliating things in my life.

So imagine my surprise, after shooting my long term physician,  a recap of my visit, tonight, then deciding to check out my after visit summary from my appointment this afternoon, that not only did she think I was somewhat a mentally unstable non compliant  hypochondriac but that she was recommending I get taken off my medications.

Which is a complete contradiction and LIE, from with her at the end of my appointment clearly telling me that she would not interfere with my medication management being done by my long term provider.

Unfortunately for me, it’s my word against hers, a physician.

I’ve had doctors tell me, straight out,that they think I’m a drug addict. I’ve had ER docs when I’d be in the ER for my gastric bypass complications, at Fairview University Medical Center,  even bringing my meds and being compliant with controlled substances, having a ton of them, in their bottles, of them thinking I was drug seeking, when I wasn’t looking for drugs, but diagnostics such as with the pesky intractable projecile vomiting blood due to my ulcers both prior to gastric bypass reversal and after it.

Just based upon the fact I was a bariatric patient with my one and only suicide attempt, trying to use controlled substances to intentionally overdose, that’s explained on my 1st blog on here, in greater detail .

As well as being honest about an inability to be compliant on non controlled substances like ibuprofen (which I didn’t take much of prior to my gastric bypass reversal or of meds like Imitrex, PPIs, and meds in other therapy classes, other than controlled subtances, because I metabolize medications so bizarrely).

Which I’ve been quite forthcoming with providers as well on this blog. There are shades of grey, with patients’s prescription drug use. I’m obviously not compliant with most meds, it’s impossible to be, because my tolerance to so many meds, in so many therapy classes, not just with narcotics, is so high. But I by no means habitually abuse controlled substances, something that she said herself and somewhat congratulated me for, towards the end of my appointment.

Both unfortunately for me and HER, the pain management specialist I saw today,  I did do a Google search before my appointment, to get an idea of her medication philosophies (usually pro Butrans, something she thought I should consider, but apprently not, given her recommendation to my long term provider).

I also found that she nearly had her OWN license suspended due to drugs. Almost 2 years ago and the conditions of her “stay of suspension”, so that she could keep practicing medicine. Her conditions of being able to retain her license, which she is now under, is the fact she can’t be in possession or write a script for controlled substances for 5 years, in addition to other requirements for her to retain her  license and/or be eligible to apply for losing those conditions.

I don’t take any satisfaction in that. Both as a patient and as an advocate who’s trying to de-stigmatize and create dialogue about drug addiction amongst both providers and patients.

As well as in doing all the research I had to do past blogs, as a medical activist, as well as make an informed decision about my medication management I’ve thought about discussing physicians who struggle with drug addiction and trying to de-stigmatize that, too.

Because I fully am aware and sensitive to the fact, that physicians are patients, too.

It’s absolutely  NOT  okay, what I was put through today by her. It’s now going into a weekend.  I can’t talk about this to my own provider, until early next week. I did write a scathing message to the pain management specialist about her lie, and I am now  going to  be filing a grievance against her with the hospital system. And also against the hospital system, themselves.

Which I’ve talked about “md-ptsd” and I have filed one grievance before, with that hospital, which is in another blog.

I’m just beyond stunned, of  the hypocrisy that the hospital has, as well as that provider. They have a a more stringent standard of expectations on their patients, that they don’t even have for their OWN physicians. As it’s a travesty that my suicide attempt and being mentally ill, that history is held against me, apparently for the rest of my life by any provider, but her own isn’t?

How is that ethically fair? To not only as me, as a patient but any other patient who is seeing this physician, have any chance to be treated ethically and honestly, as she has bias, in addition to her own mental health issues and addiction issues  that create an inability for her to be effective of in providing fair  care to her patients.

Especially, especially, ESPECIALLY given the specialty she’s treating patients….

Lisa definition of “md-ptsd” (a “Lisaism” you won’t find in DSM V) – extreme psychological and physical distress of seeing clinically trained medical and mental health physicians, due to my being labeled as drug seeking hypochondriac, post epic mental health breakdown and suicide attempt in 2008. But I have also mentioned that I was drug tested prior to being put on opiates, during ER visits, since I had my gastric bypass.

So now, it’s made my “md-ptsd” expotentially  worse. I don’t love when doctors treat me like crap. That’s why I rarely seek medical attention, any longer. What I usually did in the past with unpleasant encounters when I’m being treated clearly with bias, due to having mental health issues, is I leave. I’ve left ER visits, including ones that I needed further attention. I’ve left appointments in the middle of a visit. I can be mean and not mince words, when doctors treat me like an unstable drug seeking hypochondriac, but I only use words and leave, if I’m going to be reactive (which most of the time, I’m NOT) . That’s it.

You want an example of that? Certainly. I’ll say to a doctor when they come off condescencingly and judgemental that I’m a mentally unstable and drug seeking hypochondriac with maybe other bias towards me (such as weight and being a cigarette smoker) that I’ll say “Wow, I didn’t know Walmart had a school of medicine!!!”.

I’m appalled and devastated, though that a pain management specialist with her own drug problems would do that to a patient who admitted everything I’ve said in this and in past blogs, would lack empathy and lie to me.

I’m devastated that I can’t trust most  doctors not to label me for the rest of my life, given my complicated issues with compliance of non controlled substances due to how bizarrely I metabolize most medication or have severe side effects.

I’m incensed as an activist that other patients might have gone through this and they don’t have a voice. I know almost 9 years ago, when I was acutely suicidal and in so much physical pain and had mentally disintergrated, that  I didn’t have a voice and no support. I write this blog, so that other patients don’t nearly lose their lives from being treated this way or have themselves AND their care compromised due to bias.

I’m hoping that if anyone has gone through this, they will message me privately, if they don’t feel comfortable commenting on my blog.

But I am going to fight back, an ethical fight. By filing a grievance and while I said in my very concise message to her that I hope she loses her license, I hope really she learns from this and at least gets reprimanded.

Although if she doesn’t learn from what she did to me today and has done that to other patients, maybe she should NOT be practicing medicine, any longer.

Because no mentally ill and medically disabled patient who’s been as forthcoming with providers, should have to go through what I keep going through with most physicians.

Actually, it’s been my hope as an activist and blogger, for years,  to encourage honest dialogue between patients and providers, whether mental illness is a factor or NOT, that patients aren’t necessarily penalized with non compliance of ANY medication.

Not only does that increase the risk of patients LYING to their doctors, if they are abusing drugs, it puts them at risk of getting involved with street drugs and the risk of safety and or accidental overdose and addiction to them.

And I didn’t fight so hard to stay alive and try to retain what’s left of my sanity, to let a doctor do something so unconscionable like what was done to me, today (It’s still  5-12-2017 in MN), but I’m going to try that some greater good comes out of it.

For both patients AND providers.

Not just for myself, but for many patients who experience bias and compromised medical and mental health care because of bias that physicians carry due to mental illness and other still stigmatized patient disorders.

Wish me luck…

Note: I have no problem publishing differences of opinions, if stated respectfully. And unfortunately my normal disclaimer of “seeking professional clinical trained professional guidance when in medical or mental health crisis”  doesn’t apply, because I’m not at that point but I’m seriously distressed that my anxiety is in overdrive and my medical care has been compromised by a doctor that knew fully my history and lied to me that way.

Especially given how vulnerable I was due to my medical health issues at that appointment and my mental health issues, as it was difficult for me to get to that appointment with my barriers, as I was exhausted physically and mentally frazzled due to some scary encounters on 2 crappy local buses and walking part of the way in the sun, which I have photophobia.

Again, I own what’s multiply frustrating by me, for ANY provider, including the most non biased clinical professional, of what it’s like to treat me. I’m not a fun patient to treat and I can get defensive. I’m wordy and all over the place. But I tell new providers that those are my barriers, from the start.

And the truth is, most patients are vulnerable, in some way, when seeing a provider, especially given all the factors that played in my visit.

Also,  I don’t believe all doctors are bad. Largely due to my long term physician, where we have a stance to agree to respectfully disagree, given what I’ve been through with mental health and having weight issues even with my needing a gastric bypass reversal.

And I realize other Fairview medical professionals who I know are excellent and ethical physicians, as well as other physicians from different hospital systems both locally and globally.

But regardless of a terrible experience with a doctor, I’m going to ALWAYS recommend that if a patient-provider relationship is not working for a patient, that they try to get help from another provider, whether in acute crisis or not.

Just please forgive me for being kind of a hypocrite about not being too terribly excited about seeing new doctors, in the short term, given my circumstances.

Also note: Unfortunately, I had to do some major editing, 10 hours after I first published  this, because I was so frazzled between being in a lot of physical pain and heightened anxiety, which was was made so much worse, after her saying one thing to me and a few hours later, she completely saying another, as far as her final recommendation would be, made this not as clear as I would’ve liked.

This still isn’t clear, due to the fact I am a disabled blogger who writes about disability and bias. But I feel like I’ve honestly and better presented a fair description of what I go through as patient, but at the same time, being fair with providers who have to treat me.


(Note: I don’t have the ability to re-blog this. As this blog was originally written and published on 5-20-2014, which was a year after Zach Sobiech died. And I also lack the ability to copy and paste being on my tablet. As well as have the ability in me, to do another Zach Sobiech or try to do another campaign, to raise money for The Zach Sobiech Osteosarcoma Fund at CCRF, other than the paltry donation, I’ll be making today, which should’ve been Zach’s 22nd birthday.

In addition to donating, I also rewatched “My Last Days: Meet Zach Sobiech”, but I think of him at times, him being local to MN and for the many reasons that I’ve explained, in the other blogs I’ve written about him and his family and how they’ve inspired me.

If you’ve seen the above video mentioned, or you’re local, there still is initiatives to raise money every year at Mall of America. I live 4 blocks way from the new Vikings stadium and sometimes I think of him, and feel sad for him, his family and friends, as well as any one fighting cancer, but in his case, I wish he could’ve lived to do so many things. I wish he could’ve seen the new U.S. Bank Stadium and know that the Superbowl will be there in 2018, to name a few, and the fact he isn’t, takes my breath way.

So to honor the amazing human being that Zach Sobiech was, I felt compelled to reblog, in hopes of raising money, awareness and support, even though I realize I’m not the ideal person to be doing this. I dont really care if you read my blog, in it’s entirety. But if you want to honor him, the links below allow you to do so. Thanks )

  I’m on the 17th and (final) day of my social media campaign to raise awareness regarding children’s cancer, specifically Osteosarcoma which tragically took the life of Zach Sobiech, exactly one year ago today, on 5-20-2013. That’s when I first heard him about him, his family and his song “Clouds” and Soul Pancake videos because it was on I started this campaign for awareness and donations to the Zach Sobiech Osteosarcoma Fund on 5-3-2014 which SHOULD HAVE been Zach’s 19th birthday. 

   I wasn’t exaggerating that hearing about him, his family and the song ACTUALLY did change my life. While as I said in my original Zach Sobiech blog on May 3rd, that it did change my life. I already had the life experience of being someone who was on campus from 2006-2010 at Fairview University Medical Center where he was (originally, as Amplatz didn’t open until 2011) , and while I suspected that when I saw the Soul Pancake videos, also exactly a year ago, I didn’t know that for sure, until I read Laura Sobiech’s book “Fly A Little Higher”.   

   So what did I actually learn from this experience in this last year and in the last 17 days???

    1. Don’t put off saying or doing anything that needs to be done today as you aren’t guaranteed in infinite time to get  what you want accomplished…… While my life experiences and circumstances have reinforced that, especially because of my memory loss issues, Zach Sobiech drove home how important what we be and what we do in the moment. And not to take that for granted. And be grateful for the experience.  

    2. Do what you believe in and not be afraid to fight a good fight.  I did that with finally launching this blog last summer. I also did that with filing a grievance against Fairview University Medical Center last Fall, in preparation of my being able to struggle a little less with this task. While I remain focused at this time in raising money for the Zach Sobiech Osteosarcoma Fund, the irony is NOT lost on me, that while I believe that there are many amazing medical professionals affiliated with the Fairview system, as I also have friends employed there in clinical and administrative positions, as well as friends who were extremely satisfied with their experiences there as patients,  they did make it harder for me to get medical treatment then it should have been and that had consequences on my own children. All I was looking was for an apology. That will be though a topic for a future blog. 

    3. Some people are never going to get behind a cause unless it hits home. Or it’s the same few people who you can count on support for anything else, as it applies to social media.  I naively thought that with how horrifying children’s cancers are, that it would be easy for EVERYONE to retweet a link or share a link on Facebook, to raise awareness or make a donation in hopes of a cure or less invasive life extending treatments for children battling cancer. People say about me or think because I’m not raising my children anymore, or that I have so much free time, is why I am doing this. I can’t say I’d be doing this on this level  if I was still was working or raising my kids. I’d be doing something though after spending so much time on campus at Fairview University Medical Center and listening to parents of catastrophically ill kids and meeting those children. After hearing about Zach Sobiech? Most definitely.  I’d be doing something in gratitude that my own children have only been to FUMC once, and that was in Fall of 2010 to visit me after my gastric bypass was reversed and that they have the privilege AND luck of being in great health. 

   4. Because we get sometimes get thrown on paths we never imagine…. I learned most of all that I could take a really bad set of circumstances and use them for greater good for others and myself. Directly as a result of Zach Sobiech, his family, friends and the song “Clouds”.  It won’t change my past but I can change my present and my future, even it means I can only change how I choose to PERCEIVE it.  And I have positively effected other people when sharing my truths on this blog. I also was forced to step out of my comfort zone repeatedly, in positive ways, fortified in strength and some comfort that the song “Clouds” has provided me.

Initially with my campaign not going well to raise money for children’s cancer and my paltry donation to his fund, led me to go to Laura Sobiech’s book signing, a task I wouldn’t done, had it gone well from the start. And I personally got to thank her and explain a little of the profound effect that Zach, her family and his friends had on my life.  I’m learning even with my complex disabilities, I’m stronger and more capable of things, then I give myself credit for. And I wouldn’t have been this way now, if there wasn’t people like Zach Sobiech, his family and friends and if there wasn’t Soul Pancake which I didn’t know about until exactly a year ago. 

    As I’ve said, my disabilities limit my ability to follow through with commitment to things. My commitment to this, I’ve seen through to the best of my ability. While part of me is relieved that I don’t have to be enmeshed in this for too much longer, I will on occasion go in “children’s cancer” activist mode. I realize that is a privilege and due to luck. As hard as it was to ask people to spread awareness or money, I’ve seen up close and personal of how hard is for these families to have to battle children’s cancers. I’ve lived life 2 1/2 times longer than Zach Sobiech was given the opportunity to and he did way more in his 18 years, than I could ever dream to  accomplish.

But at least I’m doing something.  I think of all those kids who no longer have voices, because their lives were extinguished way too early and we will never know what they were capable of and that they had to fight so hard and die such a horrible painful death, so young. Parents who no longer have children and those who no longer have siblings. Children who do make the best if they have battled cancer and survived but they had to fight such a hard and ugly fight but saw beauty in it anyway. I can’t imagine what it’s like to experience it and because I’m grateful that my children are healthy, I will try to continue to do a minute part in hopes to help spread awareness and find a cure, but remaining true to what I’m better suited for in what I normally do activism for. 

    In my last day of trying to raise awareness of children’s cancers , I’m doing one final strong push for the Zach Sobiech Osteosarcoma Fund. Share one of the links I’ll provide. Donate what you’d spend on a cup a coffee. Download or purchase A Firm Handshake’s “Fix Me Up”. I don’t care if I’m associated with this or not. I just hope whoever reads this, if you aren’t doing something. That to honor Zach Sobiech and other children who’ve battled cancer that you do something. Today or any day. Thank you. My Last Days: Zach Sobiech Celebrity Clouds Video My Last Days: Meet Zach Sobiech My Last Days: Zach Sobiech, One Year Later  Clouds by Zach Sobiech Fix Me Up by Zach Sobiech, Sammy Brown/ A Firm Handshake….. It’s what Sammy is singing at Mall of America on 5/4/2014 at Laura Sobiech’s book signing of “Fly A Little Higher” ,that I took when I went to and took picture, featured above. 

A brilliant blog about the conversation we need to be having about skin cancer, as the month of May is Skin Cancer awareness.

While I’m better suited for mental health activism (which May is also Mental Health Awareness), a local adored brilliant, kind and compassionate meteorologist started a blog, regarding his own battle with squamous cell carcinoma and now trying to raise awareness, support and prevention with this excellent blog.

Ian Leonard...

May is Skin Cancer Awareness Month. Unfortunately some of us are more aware than others. I am acutely aware of Squamous Cell Cancer, it stole a third of my bottom lip last year. Sadly I have plenty of company. Over 5 million people are diagnosed with skin cancer in the U.S. each year. Of those, more than 400,000 cases are directly linked to indoor tanning.
I was born and raised in Edmonton, Canada. In the depths of Canadian winters we measured snow in feet and rarely saw temperatures above freezing. The folks who were lucky to travel to warm destinations came back to the Great White North with dark tans and smiles. I wanted that tan. I wanted to smile and show off the teeth my parents dental plan had paid for. No passport necessary. No planes or hotels. Instead, a quick 20 minute nap…in a tanning bed. Unlimited tanning…

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It bears repeating my normal disclaimer with this blog, that anyone in medical and/or mental health crisies need to seek immediate help from emergency services such as calling emergency services and/or immediately getting to an  acute care facility i.e. hospital ….

Okay, with that being said, the last thing I want to do, even though my blog regarding Prince is drug related, it’s with trying to be crystal clear, that I don’t think that Prince’s legacy should ever be him being the poster child as a warning for accidental overdoses and that should hopefully never taint his legacy, as I go further along, I’ll make it clearer that in this blog, I’m only highlighting certain issues, in respect. I go in more detail about medication issues in past blogs and will continue to do so, in future blogs.

The irony is in my case, personally , is that I haven’t left my house in almost a week due to running out of pain meds a day after a refill was due. Which confines me to home and not capable of much and my life circumstances allow for that. Even though I’m not going through withdrawal, I’m more vulnerable than usual, not being able to get a handle on severe chronic pain.

Where I tie in my personal medical complexities, such as a unique body physiology that drugs of all different therapy classes, in all different delivery systems (IV, oral and patch) I metabolize bizarrely or have awful side effects, or I have a good outcome but potency and longevity of a medication is compromised.

I did have an issue when put on a trial of the Fentany patch at a low dosage that I’ve discussed that with perfect compliance that 24 hours on that patch knocked me in a horrific opiate withdrawal for 5 days, almost 6 years ago.

My blogging about Prince’s cause of death and my own issues with opiates,  isn’t to talk about removing stigma, in this case. I don’t think that in his particular case, it would’ve helped him much and that’s not the reason for this blog.

To make sense though maybe for me and others would be discussing the absolutely appalling lack of options in 2017 that patients with severe chronic pain issues have for treatment options that unfortunately can play into addiction and abuse and sadly, what we are now in, Opioid Epidemic with tens of thousands of people dying every year due to opiate overdoses.

Even drugs like buprenorphine, which was being brought to Prince, when his body was discovered, in hopes he’d go to California for rehab, people struggle with addiction to that medication as well, and people have died from accidental overdoses and a few from perfect compliance with buprenorphine and Suboxone.

How is it that we have 100 different ways and options to send a pic of a lunch we can take and send via a cell phone, to someone halfway around the world , if not in Space, but we have such AWFUL options, when it comes to so many major medical issues, that go beyond just medication, in this day and age???

I do have a few more things to say and I said some of it, in a blog that I wrote about Prince, 6 months ago. As horrified as I am, in how he died, I’m slightly only less horrified in what’s happened after his death. I don’t think the public needed to know every minute detail surrounding his death, when he couldn’t have made it clearer, how much he valued his privacy, when he was alive.

I, for once, don’t have much more to say than this. That’s due to respect and the sadness I have surrounding his death, that words are failing me, out of emotion, in this case.

Other than he and his music will reign supreme for so many,  for  many more generations………

Note: Same rules apply. Respectful dialogue is encouraged even if it’s with a differing opinion. Triggering or disrespectful comments will not be published…..

Note: The nature of this blog requires the disclaimer that IF anyone you know and/or oneself is in medical or mental health crisis and/or is in danger of hurting themselves and/or others, PLEASE  seek treatment IMMEDIATELY from qualified medical/mental health professionals in a crisis facility and/or contact law enforcement, immediately…..

Several days ago, here in Minnesota, a young father when going through a child custody/relationship issue with the mother of his child, shot and killed her, her sister, her father and her mother is still hospitalized, before killing himself. He had an accomplice who had taken the toddler at the time of the shooting, who was found safe, a couple of hours after the murder/suicide on Friday.

As well as the shootings in Coral Gables, Florida, when a recently fired personal trainer, killed 2 former co-workers before killing himself,  on Saturday.

As well as the other domestic murder / suicides that have happened in the last week, that I just don’t have the sanity points to address and for that I’m sorry for multiple reasons, mostly because of the tragic loss of lives.

Today (as when this will be published on WP, the date will be 4-11, when it’s still 4-10 here in the U.S.) a man shot his wife to death and 2 young children (who weren’t thought to be intentionally targeted)  which  as this was in her workplace, AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, before shooting himself in San Bernardino, California.

One of the children, an 8 year old, is also now dead (he wasn’t at the time that I started this blog) .

Because this just happened several  of hours ago, as it applies to the California shooting, maybe there will be more details released.

Like motive for the shootings . Which won’t mean much. As far as bringing those who were killed, back. And I’m not being glib, but if human life doesn’t have sanctity to a person, the location where they kill a person, won’t either.

I’m going to try something new, with this blog. I’m going to blog as both as an activist and a person, who continues to be horrified seeing all these murder/suicides.

I’m doing this because this IS NOT the first time I’ve blogged about murder/suicides. And because I lack both the credentialing and the credibility, as someone who has mental health issues but isn’t violent, to do anything else but to bring awareness, in hopes that there will be major initiatives started to try and reduce these tragic deaths, as an activist.

And while I can’t help much more than that, I can say things that other people can’t, with wording that other people can’t, because they have consequences. I don’t make money on my blog(which is on purpose)  and with my not working or having anything resembling a normal life. I have the leeway at times to say things that others don’t.

This is what I have to say to ANYONE who is thinking of killing their kids, their spouse/significant other either current or former , their parents, other family members ,  friends, children in a schools, complete strangers because they feel somehow they were wronged. Or maybe they were wronged somehow but it’s not a case of self defense but revenge:

So,  IF  you’re thinking  of harming or killing others cause someone did you wrong, I’m going to try and appeal to your sense of decency,  before acting in a horrific irrovocable manner.

Thinking about doing  something and doing something (although I can honestly say that I’ve never ever thought about hurting another human being, as my particular batshit crazy will  hopefully never have a body count ) are 2 completely different things.

I come from the philosophy that it’s better to let things and people go and try to get some peace of mind and realize that everyone should have that right.

And maybe for you,  that will require serious acute professional help.

If you’re in crisis and are thinking about hurting another/others and yourself  or just others and don’t have insurance, hospitals are required by law, to help you.

There is NOTHING honorable about revenge. Especially revenge that causes death in ANYONE. Which most of the time, most murder/suicides are about.

I’m not saying I don’t have empathy for those who are hurt emotionally, physically (sometimes an accident, sometimes on purpose) and/ or financially, that you don’t have a right to be upset. I don’t know you or your circumstances.

But channeling your anger or hurt in vengeful deadly retaliation is WRONG. It’s not badass, it’s not cool, it’s not noble. You aren’t going to somehow be redeemed, if you believe in an afterlife. The person/people who’s death/s  you’re planning aren’t the piece of shit, YOU ARE, should you carry this out and kill a person or people.

You can either try to heal by yourself, or  with professional help.

I’m BEGGING you to try the get professional help before you hurt yourself or another human being. Whether you are getting help for the sake of others, if you can’t do it for yourself, as if you’re thinking about killing others and then yourself, the people who you kill will NOT be your ONLY victims.

As the people who love and care about YOU, will also be emotionally harmed for the rest of their lives, who have to survive a loved one killing other/s and then themselves.

As well as the people who are in close  proxomity of these horrific tragedies who have to witness them, whether an attempt on their life was made or not.

Would you want someone who you love, who’s life you find value in, to DIE this way?

BUT if the above doesn’t work. of trying to get you to realize, that you won’t be glorified after your death but vilified should you kill another/others and then yourself or for those who just pick the murder route.

And for GOOD reason.

SO,  if you can’t see because you are in such an irrational place, the horrific tragic consequences of manifesting your deadly ill will that  just is going to fucking heinously end others lives and perhaps your own. And irrepably emotionally devastate those who love you that you’ve left behind, in a murder/suicide.

PLEASE try this instead, if your deadly rage won’t subside. Write a detailed letter to whoever has  done you wrong.  Don’t give it to them.

Leave it in a place that’s NOT ANYWHERE NEAR another human being but that’s somewhat  conspicuous.

Then fucking take your pick of ways to fucking kill yourself that won’t interfere with another’s peaceful right to life or at least with the least amount of impact to others lives that you can at least congratulate yourself for not killing, OK?

Because at least that’s  the least cowardly and cruel of options you could entertain, if you absolutely CANNOT  get over your deadly rage.

YOU WILL NOT  see the consequences, regardless of what you choose to do, because you’ll be DEAD.

But at least you won’t be reviled for the rest of your life, from just about everyone else in society, because you refused to get help.

But at least you didn’t take out other human beings who’s lives that you are ABSOLUTELY  NOT ALLOWED to decide when and how they die,  and if it’s  with you. And that’s something where you can at least be proud of.

And for that, people close to you, that you may care about, you will have broken their hearts. And while they won’t ever totally heal, you won’t have completely ruined their lives because you killed others, in addition to yourself.

And, at least the rest of the world won’t think you’re a rotten piece of crap like those who kill others and either kill themselves or worse, let themselves live.

And again, as it’s worth repeating, while you won’t see regardless of what you choose, if one is entertaining murder/s and then a suicide, it might help, if you just fucking kill yourself,  in bringing out an outcome in the future, to save someone else from making such a tragic choice and that they’ll get help before killing themselves and/or another.

Or it might help to bring about positive change in the future, but  that we so desperately need NOW.

And if you don’t hurt another human being, that’s also something you can find solace in, too.

I’m not mocking suicidality at ALL. In my first 2 blogs, on here, I discuss my personal issue with that, as well as resources for help and healing for those who are JUST suicidal.

But NO ONE can help someone if they can’t find the means to get help, when they want to to commit murder before killing themselves. Or those who just murder.

But I figured at this point, I had nothing to lose by trying for those thinking of murder/suicide to get help. And what to not do, if they can’t get help.

So in the above, you have both alternative options other than murder and resources for when in crisis but not capable of hurting another (it’s on my 2nd blog and I can’t copy and paste, you can find it on here, by looking at my blogs from August of 2013).

And I honestly hope you’ll believe me, when I say, that I really wish you had more options for help with rage and irrationality, then you apparently have right now.

And last but not least. What I wrote above, was pretty FUCKING  crazy, right?

For sure. But it’s a little, um no, a lot fucking LESS crazy and irrational to try and talk someone out of killing another/others than to actually think about killing another and/or to go through it.

How we as a society can help try to reduce murder/suicides:

PLEASE don’t make this a gun control issue. If someone wants to kill in this manner, weapon of choice, isn’t the issue, the desire to cause fatal harm IS.

Make this an issue about murder/suicides also WITHOUT demonizing or stigmatizing mental health issues, further. Not everyone who has mental health issues is capable of either harming either themselves and/or another human being/other human beings.

We need more support services in place for both mentally ill people in crisis whether or not they are endanger of hurting themselves or horrifically hurting or killing other human beings .

There are multiple reasons  we need more supportive services in place, to reduce murder/suicide. is that people who don’t necessarily have a record of violence or mental health are snapping and are committing murder/suicide.

I honestly believe that social media and the new technology cycles ,is feeding into this, it’s NOT helping people, in some of these cases. This is  hurting and harming human beings, sometimes fatally, as they people are losing the ability to differentiate that people are NOT  expendable and that others aren’t meant to exist and/or can be erased for others pleasure and or to punish, due to the ego-centric society we are vastly becoming (actually have already arrived) and it’s getting more harmful, not better, with so many people living most of their lives on a digital device.

I, truthfully will probably NOT attempt another blog quite like this. I realize how bizarre it was for me to say not only what I said, but in how I said it. While the nature of my “normal” activism, does put me in situations where people in both medical and mental health crisis do contact me, they do so, with my warning them to get IMMEDIATE professional help and I’ve never been contacted by someone who’s been in crisis but was at risk of harming another.

But I figured there was nothing to lose at this point, with writing this. It will be read by those who think similarly to me, but can’t say what I’ve said to potential murderers (which I’ve struggled in writing this, as well as debating on whether or not to pull this blog) , in the manner I thought it and thought that I had nothing to lose by expressing what I thought above, in writing.

For the whole fucking internet, to see. For hopefully a potential murderer to see. For people to think maybe I went to far or was being irrational myself, in what I’ve tried to do, that others will start a dialogue on what we initiatives we need to have in place, to try to reduce murder/suicide.

And if someone thinks they can do better, than letting a disabled blogger try this, HOPEFULLY YOU  WILL.

My thoughts and prayers, as always are with the victims, their families and friends left behind in these tragic deaths.

Note: I welcome all respectful differences of opinions. Especially professional insight. Anything not constructive will NOT be published. Anything that could potentially be a danger to another, including myself, will be forwared to appropriate parties.

One last thing, I do want to add and I couldn’t in good conscience put in the body of my blog. I used to volunteer at a battered woman’s shelter. On a crisis hotline, a long time ago.

And while the warnings are in place, should this be an issue/motive for the CA murder/suicide where if there is a past history of domestic violence and one partner leaves another (as this is not gender/sexuality specific issue) when a domestic violence victim leaves their abuser, can be the most dangerous if not DEADLY time, for the victim, in domestic situations, with past history of domestic violence.

Update: In San Bernardino murder/suicide there was a past history of domestic violence, in the history of the murderer, that information, which had NOT  been stated in the news articles I saw, at the time this blog was originally published.

Additional note/update/clarification: I had technical difficulties both with internet and WP as the time I wrote this blog. Edits I thought that took place, didn’t and unfortunately for my subscribers, where intent was definitely even harder to gauge, because of missing words, or such as in the case of the St. Paul murders, I had thought I updated the right day but it didn’t show when I published and I apologize for that.

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