It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

limited legacy…

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Important Disclaimers: This blog will be combination of both personal and to achieve an activism goal. I’m not a clinically trained medical or mental health professional, nor am I trained in matters of law enforcement or public safety.

If you or someone you know is in medical or mental health crisis, at danger of hurting one’s self or another, please seek acute professional in person help in a proper facility or contact 911 and/or emergency services in your country (half my readers aren’t in North America). Thanks.

“If you want something done, give it to a busy person…” -My Mother

I haven’t blogged for awhile.

The one thing I’m NEVER now in the last 11 years is busy.

Doesn’t mean I am still not doing some kind of work with my advocacy in situations that are life and death for someone like I do with my blog and those who are in crisis medically and or mentally due to gastric bypass issues, because I still am doing that.

But I am profoundly sad in a lot of ways, even though I know how lucky I am.

My maternal grandfather passed away exactly 50 years ago, today.

My Mother who was 21 and pregnant at the time with me and both my parents who had in common that they were the 4th and final children of mothers who had them in their early 40s.

On both sides of my family, maternally and paternally my grandparents and those before them and since, raised productive positive good loving people with good intentions.

Obviously, I’m somewhat of an anomaly, other than I haven’t been in really any legal trouble, when I worked, I worked. I was what I was until I wasn’t, as far as being a loving present never married single mother.

I’ve tried to explain the best I can and will continue to do so, as long as it’s constructive to myself, those I love the most and others whether they have or  may not have the words or ability to identify how they feel when living and or nearly dying from an unprecedented, interrupting/interrupted and inconvenient life circumstances to ourselves and others lives.

It would probably surprise most people for someone in my case, where I identify as a medical, mental health and suicide prevention activist that I don’t personally think about much life or death with all this time I never expected to have.

However, I think about my legacy, a lot.

I think what I want for those I love the most, personally.

I think about what I want for human beings, as an activist and am able to act on it more, as far as being a blogger activist is concerned.

I could be okay with my legacy being the wordy reversed chick with medical, mental health and cognitive disabilities who tried to make sure what was the most painful and life changing about my issues that had consequences for others, wasn’t in vain, if I wasn’t a mother and a daughter who did that.

I don’t cry very often.

But I did early this morning, cry while  thinking of my Mom who’s had to spend most of her adult life without her father, as my maternal grandmother died at the age of 98, who’s spent her whole life while people are alive and when they are gone, of doing the right thing by them and having to have an adult daughter who faltered the way I did.

I cried for my son and my daughter in law, her mother and my potential in the future grandchildren ,as my daughter in law’s mom passed due metastatic breast cancer, a little a month after her 49th birthday, 8 1/2 months ago and she was a wonderful mother, mother in law,  sister, daughter, aunt and friend and she would’ve been an amazing grandmother to grandchildren that she never got to live to see and positively love on them.

I cried for my son and daughter who do have a mother who’s still living but has had to apologize for bad things I did and good things that they deserved that I never did or could not continue doing.

And while my ability to articulate that to them, as well as others who are complete strangers helps the strangers to them, more than it helps the ones I love the most, is a mixed blessing.

I’ve talked more the little I’m on social media about my advanced health care directive and having a DNR/DNI request and a body bequeathment to the hospital I had my gastric bypass and reversal and that I will talk more about on here, in the future.

I think more conversation needs to happen about personal life and death wishes and/or requests that aren’t rooted in suicidal ideation, addiction, extreme adversity and/or mental health in our society.

I’m not digressing.

Legacy is literally about what you leave to others.

I don’t want to have a non, bad or long life.

It’s bad enough I’ve really have never finished anything I’ve started.

I don’t want to have an irrevocable  bad legacy that does absolutely nothing positive for the ones I love the most now and the ones they will love in the future, who I would’ve loved had I been here, without me being here to see it or positively affect.

I guess while I try to figure out what I can realistically do for those I love and what I’m going to leave them with , I can try and start a discussion and safe place for people who think about legacy, that is and isn’t monetary or in my case isn’t even tangible.

Anyways, this is my musings about life, love and legacy.

Feel free to share yours, if you want.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not be reduced by them”- Maya Angelou

Note: Anything NOT constructive will be published.

Blog being published while it’s still the July 13th, 2019 here in the United States.

 

 

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