” Yes, the heart will want what it wants. And who it wants. Even if it’s someone in the distant past. But not only will that continue to cause one pain, longing for someone they can’t have. However it’s NOTHING to the pain that YOU will cause, if you’ve decided to use another to distract yourself from the pain of not having the person that you truly want to be with, but in the meantime have secured someone who absolutely adores you, but doesn’t have a prayer of being anything but a pleasant distraction and/or diversion. No one can promise “forever”. But don’t go into a relationship by not forewarning another, if one’s heart is NOT completely free, to love another,from the very start ” …. AJK/UnstapledLisa 7-14-2015
Katy Perry-“The One Who Got Away”
I have insomnia and so I’m Facebook binging, in the wee hours of this morning, when above blog link shows up in my newsfeed. And at first I was reluctant to read it. While I don’t blog much about romantic relationships, given the fact I am in one, with someone who’s pretty private, doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions and/or it’s a topic that I don’t want to discuss. Especially when it comes to the topic of ” the one who got away” or exes who end up reuniting via Facebook, even though they had long committed themselves to another.
It’s also actually not a topic that I’m the most rational about. For multiple reasons. A lot of them are justifiable. And I’ll do my best to explain, for those who don’t have a voice, of what it’s like to be with someone, when this is of an issue.
For the longest time, I blamed my inability to be in a serious relationship with a quality person, based upon my weight. I however found out, shockingly, that when I was thin, after my gastric bypass, that I had NO better luck with dating and being treated right in romantic relationships.
If you’ve read my past blogs, it doesn’t take someone with a doctorate in Psychology to know that I have self esteem issues. While I’ve dated a variety of men and sometimes in great quantity, most of them had something in common.
They got involved with me, as a distraction to get over someone else. Something that I was NEVER told about, in the beginning of a relationship and if I was lucky, for closure purposes, would find out, at the end. Or maybe years later.
I have had men, who I did truly care about, that I did seriously date, both fat and thin, before the era of Facebook, come back and apologize, during the era of Facebook, saying that they were sorry that they never told me that their heart had been given away by them, to someone else, that they couldn’t have, before me and that I didn’t have a prayer, when I was dating them.
I had more than one man, say that, as well as thank me, for unknowingly being able to find good things about them, tell them that, as well as show them that I cared, that helped them heal (I, of course can’t take all the credit, they had to be ready to let go) and were able to freely love the next woman who came along. That happened to me several times.
While I thanked those men, who had the courtesy to do that. It just was way too little and WAY too late. But ultimately, I had to find my own closure, and I’ll explain that as I go along, in this blog.
Because the truth is, no one can give you closure, it’s something you have to give yourself.
And in my case, for someone who’s nearly died multiple times in their lives, the only relationship failure that I refuse to let go of, is that as a mother of my children. Who will ALWAYS be the love of my life. While I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship when I met my boyfriend, he was appropriately warned that love was hard for me, given my past history with relationships, but mostly because of what happened with my children and I. I, however warn most people about this, so I don’t hurt them, as far as my medical and mental health issues being a barrier for me to be there for anyone, all the time.
Not just in romantic relationships.
That given the fact, I didn’t think I’d live to see the consequences of my suicide attempt OR my near death experiences with my gastric bypass complications (I also nearly died 2 1/2 years ago due to the IUD, Mirena. That’s a topic for another blog, though) , that life post suicide attempt and in 2010 with my gastric bypass reversal, made me keep people at arms length. That I NEVER wanted to ever hurt anyone, like I hurt my children, or the heartache I have, of loving them, but not having day to day with relationship with them, that I used to have.
He however was informed of that major tidbit about me, by our 2nd date. When I originally wasn’t even looking for a serious relationship,for that reason, to begin with.
I’m not saying I’ve been an angel. But this is the problem when people are hurt by falling for people they don’t have a prayer with. Then add that some people don’t know they have mental health issues. Actually the majority of people will have some kind of mental health issue, at one time or another in their life. And in my case, add in self esteem issues from lifelong bullying, that I have at times, both in romantic and platonic contexts (as well as obviously maternally and familial) have hurt innocent people. And luckily due to social media, I was able to apologize, if they were in my past. As well as apologize, in person, to those I love the most.
While all my circumstances as a whole aren’t relatable to the masses of people who have love issues, some of them, actually MOST of them, are.
So back to the above blog link. Which is excellent and not as triggering as I thought it would be, as it helps people see that sometimes the past needs to stay in the past and how one views it, can be skewed and how to heal from it.
As what to do when confronted by a long lost love that finds you on social media or anywhere else? I can’t be the one to tell you that. I can only caution you, to act in a manner where, if your heart was on the line, you’d want to be treated with the same amount of consideration by everyone who’s involved or at stake.
In an ideal world, no one would get involved with another, without getting over past romantic heartaches, before getting into another relationship.
And for this reason, I hate the below song, even though I realize musically, what a treasure Crosby, Stills and Nash, are. While I don’t love the above Katy Perry song (as explained in this blog), it’s relatable to a lot of people. And the video, is visually stunning. Even if the video doesn’t match the lyrics of the song. Because I’m not talking about heartbreak, closure and no second chances, due to death.
“If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you are with” Crosby, Stills and Nash-“Love The One You’re With”
“If you can’t be with the one you love, deal and heal, before involving an innocent heart that you will break, because you can’t love them best, when your head and your heart, still yearns for another”- AJK/UnstapledLisa 7-14-2015
But it isn’t a perfect world. And people are fallible. That’s why this blog is being written as a matter of discussion, not to shame another. But to learn from mistakes, to perhaps maybe prevent them from happening again. So other innocent people don’t get hurt from circumstances like this. Over and over again. Or to give them a venue to talk about heartache of this kind, as most people will blame themselves, when this happens. And it’s not their fault.
Because hurt people, hurt people. And I know that better than almost anyone.
If you are the one who can’t get over “the one that got away”, at least own it. You can’t heal from something or learn from something, especially when it comes to something serious, such as matters of love, if you can’t identify it. While most people will bring in some baggage into a romantic relationship, this is a ticking time bomb. It doesn’t go away if someone is incapable of not getting over a love that they can’t have. Because the truth is, they won’t let themselves, heal. Not only does one keep breaking their own heart, over and over again, in situations like this, but they break hearts, if they refuse to get over it and/or see other people and cause unnecessary hurt and emotional harm, in someone innocent, should they date or get involved in a serious relationship, for distraction.
NO one should EVER have to feel shame and humiliation from innocently and honestly loving another person. Doing this to another, makes someone at best, a coward, who can’t face being alone in life. At worst, depending on intention, it makes one, an emotional terrorist.
So what to do, if you’re involved with one, and someone you still love , in the past or present, contacts you? Get professional help. Ideally before you act, in a manner that could break another’s heart. There’s good reason why I’m a blogger and not a professional therapist. Sincerely apologize to those you’ve hurt by acting in this manner, if they find out that this is your issue. And respecting the other person who’ve you’ve hurt, that you don’t really love, by letting them dictate what they need from you, to heal (that’s obviously reasonable, as no one has a right to vengeful retaliation). And it won’t be in actual words that heal another, it will be in action (reasonable and rationale, hence where a clinical professional comes in handy) . Whether both choose to try and save the relationship they currently are in, end it and/or decide to give it another try with their long lost love.
What to do if you are the current partner and find out that a long lost love, is an issue and/or are involved with someone who’s admitted to still being love with someone they can’t have, but you still love them???……….
You could wait it out. I, personally from experience (not my own, but witnessing friends’s experiences), wouldn’t advise that. And again, I advise getting professional help. Again, there is a reason why I’m a blogger and not a professional therapist. Because if you choose to wait it out, you could be waiting for the rest of your life. But if you are in a serious relationship and/or married to someone (and/or have children), and find out, about this being an issue, get professional help. A good professional therapist will be able to truthfully help a couple sort this out, or end it, with the best possible outcome, given how crappy these circumstances are.
I’m not wise about many things . But sometimes I do give relationship advice that’s very helpful to others.And like most people, it’s much easier to be wise when it comes to others’s life issues, than our own issues. The problem with loving someone who’s heart belongs to someone in their past, that this is one of the rare relationship issues, where the relationship WAS real, but the love between one another, was NOT true love. Because it was one sided. But one can’t say where it would be anywhere helpful, “you can’t lose something you never had”. Because you weren’t told the ground rules, when starting this particular relationship. I’m not saying in the realm of relationship heartaches that this is the absolute hardest one to get over, but it’s right up there, because the person you fell in love with, you NEVER had a prayer of being their first choice.Even if they actually did care about you deeply. I’ve had relationships with men that I cared about, not only to find out that I wasn’t their first choice, I didn’t even come in their top 10. (And this isn’t gender specific behavior. Women can do this, too)
That’s devastating. And as much as I’d like to tell you, initially AND ongoing, that’s on them, NOT on you, it’s still can break your heart. But to have any prayer of healing, you have to realize, you weren’t told something essential about that person you fell in love with, that you were owed, from the very start.
One can heal from going through this, though. I made up my mind a long time ago, as I got sicker, but while I still had my children, that I wouldn’t love someone who wasn’t free emotionally and circumstantially, to love me back. And that I wouldn’t dwell too long on romantic hurts (I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me, I do hurt for a bit, but move on). Then with having medical and mental health barriers, now, I know I can’t do romantically, a full time relationship, at this point in my life. That while my love has flaws, those who I love, do know that I love them to the best of my ability and that they aren’t second best.
And that if I’m in a serious relationship, after everything I’ve been through, what’s best for me, when people hurt me, intentionally, is to not let it effect the way I choose to live the rest of my life. For as many times, I’ve nearly died, life is too precious, to dwell on the heartache of people who don’t have my best interest at heart. That I don’t want to invest energy and emotion in someone who would treat me in a way that I wouldn’t want my children to be treated, whether it’s my daughter when she’s old enough to be involved in romantic relationships. Or my son, who’s almost 23, and is finding out that casual dating, can be right up there with getting dental work done, as far as being really unpleasant.
We should have the same criteria for those who we love, for ourselves, like what we want for those who we love and care about, when it comes to how we deserve to be loved back.
You don’t have to nearly die, multiple times, to live life by this philosophy. And realize that no one is guaranteed an infinite amount of time on Earth. I’ve found also for relationship and self healing, the work by motivational speaker Trent Shelton, to be very helpful (www.trentshelton.com).
I hope that people can find healing, when we acknowledge that this is a problem.And talk about it, more. People get stuck on what and who they can’t have, instead of what and who they have. No one can guarantee forever, in either life or love. And there is an exception to every rule/story, that’s why I know better than to speak in absolutes. Sometimes the “happily ever after”, is when one remains single, when one falls out of love with another, even if there is no 3rd party invovled. The most perfect song, ever to me, that defines that, came from the series finale of Sex and the City, in the last 5 minutes of it. I won’t use the video that I have saved (on YouTube of the episode/song), because it has nudity (but if you want the link, privately, let me know), I will post the song by gospel singer Candi Staton, as it’s about faith. Whether in a higher power or in one’s self. Or familial and platonic nurturing relationships.
Candi Staton-“You’ve Got The Love”
Sometimes the “happily ever after”, actually does comes from a long lost love, found on Facebook. Sometimes in situations, those who break someone’s heart, get the help they need and their relationships (and their psyches) heal, and not only are couples able to stay together, they thrive.
The problem is, with most stories on the internet, they talk about a past problem and the resolution, which sometimes is a “fantasy” happy ending. Or at least a rare one. While it can be helpful for many, to know that their awful circumstances can have a happy ending for them, it’s NOT enough. People need support and to be able to talk about their romantic heartaches, while going through them.
Hopefully, this blog will lead to helpful or healing dialogue and/or discussion…..
Note: I’m not a clinically trained professional of any kind. If in medical or mental health crisis, please seek acute treatment in an acute facility and/or evaluation and treatment from a trained credentialed clinical professional. Also note, any comments that can be triggering, will NOT be approved. Like always, I welcome respectful disagreements.