It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

wish

(Note: Pic above, me in June of 2006)

(“Your Wildest Dreams”/The Moody Blues-No copyright infringement, intended)

“Once upon a time……. ”

Once upon a time, exactly 10 years ago, there was a happy single mother of 2, who was in the process of working to make her dreams come true. For herself and for her young daughter and teenage son, that she loved so much.

That single mother of 2, being me, was in the process of starting my own business, exactly 10 years ago. After becoming thinner and fitter than I could ever imagine, both a combination of weight loss surgery and finding a love for fitness that made me thinner then I could ever dreamed, was in school to be a Certified Personal Trainer, and was writing a health and fitness  program to help those who wanted to lose a lot of weight but not necessarily have bariatric surgery, for bariatric surgeon’s offices. While I had networked with local bariatric surgeon’s offices, to do some consulting, once I’d get my certification, my program, I’d hope to utilize nationally, both selling the programs and subcontracting my services.

I also was an active busy mother who was enjoying her life and her summer with her 2 year old and 13 1/2 year old. While I at this time, was quite sick from recurring gastric bypass complications, which I hid quite well, from most people, that Summer of 2005, it was kind of hard to hide it from my son, who’d struggle with his Mom blacking out due to super low blood pressure and low blood sugar (I ate “healthy” and often to fuel my love of working out and I loved the endorphin high I got from working out intensely) and vomiting quite frequently. All day, every day.

(Note: This is not an anti-wls (weight loss surgery) blog, nor am I anti-wls. This is a personal blog. I have many blogs on here, where I explain why I participate in both the weight loss surgery and size acceptance communities)

By the time, the above picture featured, was taken, in Summer of 2006, I was quite depressed, after feeling so poorly  for so many years, that it was starting to take it’s toll psychologically. 6 months later, from when picture was taken I realized that doing a lot of things, were becoming so hard to do, with the constant daily vomiting, fainting and severe abdominal pain, as well as having had a chronic migraine history that I was applying for social security in December of 2006.

By the time Summer of 2007, rolled around, I was trying not to lose my children, after having a nervous breakdown and a child protection case for hoarding. Because my children and I were so bonded, I was NEVER initially at risk of losing my kids in any way.  My children who I loved so much, and by then for quite awhile, we were all each other’s worlds.

By early Summer of 2008, I was acutely suicidal. After quite a few medical hospitalizations since Summer of 2006 due to my gastric bypass complications and physical pain levels being so high for so many years and my losing both my physical health and by then, what little sanity I had left, I gave up custody of my children to my parents, and tried to commit suicide. Which I nearly got committed for.

By early Summer of 2010, after spending 16 1/2 months in the mental health system (A blog or 2, to elaborate, will be forthcoming in the near future) but I’d been out on my own since January of 2010, I was trying not to die from multiple ulcer perforations, multiple times, that were getting worse.

Never, in my WILDEST dreams and or my WORST nightmares, that I’d think my life would take the turns, it did. Most people don’t live the lives they initially plan on living.  But here, in Summer of 2015, while I’m grateful, that everyone I love is still alive and it’s nothing short of a miracle that I am, my life is still so small, beyond the scope of my imagination.

Never, in my wildest dreams, could I imagine what was amazing about my life, such as my beautiful, funny and smart children, about being thinner than I ever dreamed and hoping I’d have a successful business to even enrich a life with my kids, that was wonderful, even more, was not meant to be. I’d be lying if I didn’t include the 6 1/2 years I was thin, after being heavy and so horribly bullied for it,  my whole ENTIRE life.

Never, in my WORST nightmares, would I ever think that I’d be so unintentionally neglectful of my children who I loved more than anything. Never did I think that I’d live a life that was so physically painful and then emotionally painful, that I’d ever put my children and my family, what I did. That I’d lose the will to live, end up in the system for 16 1/2 months, only to have the fight of my life, to stay alive, in 2010.

And NEVER, did I think, that I’d lose the resilience that I had in the life that was better than I could’ve dreamed of and of my worst nightmares. While I’m still a little strong. I’m still a lot broken, and so sad, and so stuck, of what my life was, from Fall of 1992, when my son was born, to what life was like, 10 years ago, in Summer of 2005, when I still had hope, that as wonderful as everything was, it was still to get EVEN better. It’s not that I’m not grateful for my life and those I love, who I’m so lucky to have, but that I love from afar. There’s just no MORE, or no BETTER, to look forward to. This is IT.

So for the few of you, that have wondered why I’ve taken more internet sabbaticals, why I haven’t blogged much, this year. This is the some of the reasons WHY…. (I am coming to terms with some of it, and am committed to my activism. I just want to make sure, I’m in a good place, to be able to do that from, as it would be irresponsible of me, to do activism when I’m working on personal issues, of my own)

“When the music plays, when the words are touched with sorrow….Once upon a time, once when you were mine….. ”

Note: For some reason, not creepy or sinister, certain songs, that are meant to be sad romantic ballads, some how some of the feelings they invoke, are maternal, not in a creepy way….

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Comments on: "NEVER in my WILDEST dreams………." (4)

  1. thank you for sharing, you’re a strong woman and don’t ever forget that. 😘

  2. I believe if you are moved to blog, if you have a heart and passion for activism you should follow your heart. No one has all their issues worked out. Even therapists go to therapy. You don’t have to be perfect. Just be your own human self. Love you !

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