It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

sigh

(No copyright infringement intended with image or video)

It’s not over until the fat lady sings, or in my case, because I sound like a “rooster on crack” when I sing, when this fat lady tells you that other than not eating a tapeworm, cutting off her tongue and trying Nutrisystem, that I’ve done everything else to lose weight and keep it off.

Oh, and I lest I forget, I haven’t tried pouring kerosene all over my obscenely HUGE and ugly midsection and turkey neck, to rid of the weight. Shame on me for not trying (dripping copious amounts of sarcasm).

I’m apparently not being clear here, so I’ll clear things up about myself and what a pathetic society I’m living in now.

I will NOT allow my legacy as an activist or as person be defined as that chick who had her gastric bypass reversed when she was a size 14, almost NINE years after living with really bad complications, to save her life, in 2010 (hence the reason for pic on blog, as I get looked as fat Unicorn on crack, when people find out that my gastric bypass was just taken down).

And feel like I have to constantly apologize that I didn’t want to be thin, enough, to just let myself die from gastric bypass complications, when my surgeon first refused to revise me and then had to reverse me, to save my life, but sicker then any health issues, medically that I NEVER had due to being fat. I’ve had all the psychological stuff though that comes from being fat, causes. There’s a common misconception about both  my major regain prior to my reversal and my mental health issues. I started losing it mentally while I still was THIN. I’m not saying there wasn’t good things about being thin, but I paid dearly for it. Gaining almost all my weight back due to meds from late 2007 to early 2010, was by far NOT the worst thing to happen to me.

I’m NOT going to apologize, though, for defending the weight loss surgery community for the right and relief they have, of having weight loss surgery. Whether it’s health directed or NOT. We live in a society that demonizes people who are fat, I understand better than anyone, the myriad of reasons of why people have weight loss surgery. Or want to lose weight.

I’m MOST DEFINITELY NOT going to apologize FOR  the Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance community for being outraged and my being in absolute agreement with them, that we need to stop bigotry and oppression of fat people and the answer to that, can’t just be eradicate “Obesity”. It should be unacceptable to judge people so harshly based upon how much space a person takes up. Or what size they wear.

And I’m definitely NOT going to apologize to those who have to suffer from thin or skinny shaming or bashing, for defending them. There is NO privilege when we oppress anyone. We’ve stigmatized being fat so much, that try finding the statistics of how many people die due to Anorexia Nervosa. You can’t, because it’s all tied in with the “Obesity Crisis”. And we wonder why people literally die starving to death with food in front of them!!!!

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve heard most of my life that I’m too fat or for 3 years, I was too thin. Because of the “risky easy way out”  gastric bypass I had REALLY? Seriously? OK….

DO NOT say that you don’t care what people weigh, as long as they are “healthy”. FUCK YOU!!! People’s measure of others health and self worth is based upon a status on Facebook and what they look like on Instagram. Most people REALLY don’t care about health outside of that. Who are you trying to kid??? I’m not saying that I don’t have people who don’t care about me as a person, on social media, because I do have people who care about me. But your average “health” samaritan, is qualifying my “health” based upon my weight. NOT based upon my low blood pressure, my a1c of a 3, or the fact as a 2 pack a day smoker, I can actually walk intensely for 6 miles, often, while DISABLED and not keel over.

I never commented on the video, that’s posted above,  when it first went viral. While I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Louis C.K.’s comedy (he either makes me laugh hysterically or REALLY uncomfortable) kudos to him, for describing my and many fat women’s experiences. BUT not every fat women’s experience. But if you wanna have some idea of what it’s like to be fat, if you’ve never been, not only should you watch the video. READ the comments, which I was stupid enough to do, about a week ago. And maybe the reason for this blog, will make more sense to you. If you are sensitive to weight issues, I advise you NOT to read the comments. They are absolutely HORRIBLE.

I’ve really given a lot of thought of just giving up as an activist. I mean, I did keep off 50 lbs which if I wouldn’t have shrunk 2 inches as a result of my gastric bypass, in the last 13 years, would’ve made my weight loss 1/2 my excess weight. Which is the ONLY indication of a successful bariatric surgery. So basically I have 6 more lbs to lose and then everyone can consider my gastric bypass to be a success.

Do you see how RIDICULOUS this all is???????

But the point I’m trying to make, when I think of giving up is, that I’m a “baby fat” by SA/FA standards and most of society. I take up one seat on the bus. I fit into a booth comfortably. Unless I’m at Bebe or Guess? where very little of their clothes fit me, while my closet contains both misses and plus clothes, I’m on the smaller spectrum of being “plus sized”.

I could just go on with my very small life and no one would know what I’ve been through. And maybe I’d be better off ,not making my most personal hurts and failures, public. It’s almost masochistic of me that I continue to do this. However I know what I’ve been through. I know when sitting on a psych ward for 35 days,  6 1/2 years ago, there was 2 other people in my school, who used to be as bullied as I was who were frequent flyers in the mental health system. I’m in awe that I lasted 38 1/2 years without a nervous breakdown. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a bullied kid in the digital era. I’m struggling to make it as an adult. I know that dozens of people have told me that my activism and my blog has helped them, though. And I couldn’t live the very small life I do, without trying my hardest, to live an altruistic life.

I just want to tell you while almost EVERYONE  worries about how much someone weighs and the negative messages that the average person hears negatively about fat, of who we give a pass on social media and outside of it. Drug Addicts and dealers. Murders, Rapists and Pedophiles. People who are on social media while operating a motor vehicle.

Maybe, instead of being worried about what others put in their mouths, we worry more instead of what we are putting in others brains and psyches. Most of society is rapidly becoming a vapid, short attention span, narcissistic, can’t look up from their cell phone types, of people.

It shouldn’t be harder as we go forward to just exist in our society, as it becomes more technologically advanced, we get more backwards as people. It’s not progress that people have many ways now to tell others , of just how much they HATE them.

I’m now 45 years old. I lived longer than anyone could have expected (because of medical health issues and gastric bypass complications), including myself. I’ve been defined, horribly bullied and subjected to bias and hate for almost FORTY years now. For being fat and ugly. I didn’t live this long  and live through what I did, to not see things and try to take positive action to be a part of the solution.

And make no mistake about it, for how much I say that will try to help fat shaming and oppression there’s a thousand (I’m sure I’m vastly underestimating) hateful things being said to someone who’s fat, right now. I can’t say though until there’s a major initiative or shift in change of thinking, in our society on what we define as “healthy”, that much is going to change. It’s not going to and that’s probably what’s so disheartening to me.

That doesn’t mean though that until I lose all ability to think in intelligent thought, speak and be able to type that I will keep my mouth shut. I won’t.

I didn’t survive all this shit, to not try and help others, not define themselves by weight and not lose their psyches or their lives to this.

I’ll be damned if I give up now………………….

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