This New Year’s Eve of 2014, I’m trying to make my peace that my past will ALWAYS be a part of my present and future. It can’t be avoided, when someone has the long term and short term memory issues, that I do, as well as some of my other complex disabilities.
22 years ago, I remember spending New Years Eve of 1992 with my son, who was a beautiful easy baby at 2 1/2 months old. I had moved in shortly with my parents, before he was born, and we were set to move into a condominium that I was going to rent, nearby on January 1st, 1993.
Five years ago, on New Year’s Eve of 2009, I was spending what would be the last night of my being in the mental health system for almost 17 months. And was getting ready to move into the same condominium complex that I had moved in, 17 years, earlier. But by myself. But I had hope that I’d get my kids back in 2010. I don’t have the same hope, anymore.
I don’t know whether or not it’s better for me to look at myself and my life’s circumstances and looking at that I’ve always been the same girl but with different skill sets or if I’ve changed, with my extenuating circumstances.
For most people, it’s not good to be stuck in the past. But in my case, that’s where the precious memories are of my children. While I’m grateful that everyone I love the most is still alive, and it’s NOTHING short of a miracle, that I still am, it doesn’t make any less bittersweet, if not heartbroken, that I don’t have so many precious memories of them, any more.
But I have to constantly stay in the past, to remember the precious few that I have, because it’s a lot of work to retain what I have. But I have created a present and future, while small, will NEVER be like it was from mid 2008 to the very end of 2009.
So, for all that I’ll be grateful. But there will always be a part of me, that wants to go back, do it all over. But honestly don’t know at this point, what I could have changed in my past, that would’ve allowed me a present and a future, that I had been reflecting on, like I did on New Year’s Eve of 2003, when it was just the 3 of us and I was so grateful for what I had and what we were to each other.
So while I know I’m lucky to be alive, to have those I love the most, still alive, I’m ALWAYS going to be stuck on my precious ghosts of memories and abilities of my past.
Wishing you and yours, a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2015…….. Peace….