It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

I’ve seen lately a lot of articles that explain what it’s like to lose a lot of weight whatever means people elect to choose. Sometimes it’s those who chose a surgical intervention, like I did in 2001. Sometimes it’s by the million other ways people lose weight with diet and exercise.

Our society has a fascination of how people get really fat and then become really thin, if they’ve never had a weight problem. If they did have a weight problem, and did something about it, people like to relate to those who had the same issue. If someone has an unresolved weight “problem” and hasn’t been able to figure out a way that works best for them, it helps them either find a way to try something new, and for those who are fat acceptance advocates, I’m not saying meanly when they use that to further an FA agenda which I don’t believe weight loss problems should be used, but there’s definitely a need for Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance because of all the fat bigotry and hatred, that we have in our society. Because I am in Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance as well at existing in the weight loss surgery community for support as a long time peer. BOTH for good reason. And it will be better explained as I go along.

I can relate to all sides. That’s probably why I defend them and represent them. Even though the most militant weight loss surgery and Fat Acceptance advocates do not want to have an association with me, because I’m on both sides. I know what it’s like to lose a lot of weight as I went down originally from a size 24 to a 9/10 on average the 1st year I had my gastric bypass, then in the middle of year 2, after a bad breakup, I found exercise to tone, and I found myself shockingly going down an additional 5-6 sizes. At my smallest, my closet contained kids clothes in a size 14/16 (which I as a fat child was never in an “appropriate” size for my age) some 2’s, mostly 4’s and XS and a few 6’s. Because I’m anal about “rounding up” to the biggest size I had in my closet, while I had a few size 6’s, I was on average a size 2-4 and I was extremely toned and extremely fit when I found a love of exercise (you’ll have to read my favorite blog that I’ve written of all time, “Ugly Hurts”, as I have pics of how I looked at all weights in the last 10 years).

In my case, I knew that at a size 9/10 that I was thin. I had been heavy my whole entire life, even though I was not like my other weight loss surgery peers super morbidly obese by bmi standards, I wasn’t even morbidly obese. But I was a size 24 on average from lifelong dieting.. I did have some extra skin and I did try to have reconstructive surgery when I was a size 9/10  but it wasn’t covered by my insurance. And given the fact I did end up losing another 30+ plus pounds and going down another 5-6 sizes, a year later, it’s just as well. I also ended up though starting in 2007, going up another TWENTY sizes and this is what this blog is about.

I’ve talked ad nauseum about my gastric bypass complications, the mental health issues that played a part into them, and as a direct result of them. I was put on a lot of psychotropic medications, starting in 2007, however because of where I was mentally, I’ve never been able to express other than in some places in this blog, what it’s REALLY like to gain a lot of weight after a major weight loss. That’s what I hope to accomplish now. Especially because I am on the heavier side, that I’ve been in the last 4 1/2 years, and I’m a lot more lucid and have the means to talk about it.

As I’ve also stated in other blogs, while I joined Facebook in late Summer of 2009, because of all the psychotropic medications I was on, I had NO IDEA of what Facebook or social media really was. When I was more lucid and on my own in the beginning of 2010 is where I found both size acceptance and the weight loss surgery community on Facebook. Because of my gi bleeds and not being on those meds, while I started my acclimation into a “normal” society out of the system in the beginning of 2010, depending on who I saw and when I saw them, I either gained or lost an enormous amount of weight. I’ll explain that, as well as where I am currently.

Most people STILL  have trouble understanding how I originally gained a lot of weight after having a surgical intervention to lose weight. Let alone having still major gastric bypass complications at my heaviest and of truly physically sick I was back in in a size 24 in 2009.  They don’t realize the enormity of power that a lot of psychotropic medications have. I was on an enormous amount of psychotropic medications that not only made me more food obsessed and eating disordered (as I’d been food obsessed and eating disordered, MOST of my life) but these medications not only effect people metabolically,again, they create the food obsession from HELL. And I’d want to eat things and I would, even though I’d throw them up.

The LAST thing I want to do as a Mental Health activist is deter people from taking their meds because they are gaining weight or they have a fear of getting fat. What I do want to instill in people, whether or not they are trying to lose weight, OR if they had a surgical intervention such as weight loss surgery and gained all their weight back or never got to goal, that psychotropic meds is a enormous barrier to “successful” weight loss. And it’s not discussed at all either in society or the weight loss surgery community. Or Size Acceptance and Fat Acceptance. Not knowing the extent that the damage not only weight wise these medications can cause, cause people to think either their weight loss surgery failures or that they are fat because they haven’t tried hard enough to lose weight, not knowing what they are up against.

But even though weight gain can be an issue for these medications, it can NEVER be up to a patient, whether they had weight loss surgery or NOT, that they go off them, due to weight issues, alone. Untreated mental health issues can lead to SUICIDE and severe chronic depression. That’s a lot worse than being FAT. And it’s one of my primary reasons of existing as a Medical, Mental Health and Body Diversity activist and advocate that our society better understands this and understands how much the stigmatization of weight issues HURTS everyone, whether people are thin and dying from anorexia or they are fat and feel like failures and want to die.

But this is the point of my blog. NO ONE wants to talk about what it’s like being fat after losing a MAJOR weight loss. So I’ll tell you. It SUCKS. No one understands even though I’ll explain til I’m blue in the face that yes, I exercise and while I eat in moderation most of the time, that I’ve now bounced and/or gained weight because I’ve spent MOST OF MY LIFE, on a diet of some kind. Then on a psychotropic regimen that effected my weight, because I didn’t get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2 until I was almost 39, and had a nervous breakdown, I gained almost 100 lbs back. I was “only” 100 lbs overweight at the time of my weight loss surgery. But I had lost 107 at my thinnest and fittest and maintained being thin for 6 years, the last 3 1/2 of being REALLY thin the last 3 years I was thin.

BUT……There is ONLY so many times a person can lose weight before a body rebels. And I am heavier now that I like as I’ve gained weight recently and I’m uncomfortable. That doesn’t make me a crappy SA/FA because I’d like to lose weight and it’s not necessarily for health reasons, either. I’ll still defend anybody’s right to lose weight or be the weight they want for any reason. It’s just not personally working for me, but I’m finding I can’t lose weight anymore. But the last thing I’m looking for with this blog or in general is how to lose weight.

It’s NOT fun to get the looks from people who saw me at my thinnest and look at me and wonder “HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMEBODY GAIN WEIGHT AFTER WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY AND MAJOR COMPLICATIONS???”. It’s NOT a fun having to exist in a public if you’ve read my last blog where I work out in public and people don’t believe it, because I’m FAT AGAIN not every knowing how thin I was or everything I’ve been to get thin and stay there. It’s not fun of the looks I get when I eat out and people don’t understand why I’m picky but polite when I eat because I still can get gastric bypass dumping syndrome, but I can tolerate more foods then I could, pre gastric bypass reversal and the fact that I had my gastric bypass almost THIRTEEN years ago. And because I don’t qualify foods as good or bad, I do get looks when I eat foods that are unhealthy and people have absolutely NO problem telling me that I should not be eating that because I’m fat. Absolutely not knowing everything I’ve done since I’ve been FOUR years old (and I’m almost 45) of everything I’ve done to lose weight. But no one has a right to do that to ANYONE for any reason.

I’d be an absolute LIAR, if I didn’t said there was a LOT of things I miss about being THIN  . Clothes. Being as physically fit as I was. And it was easier to work out, weighing less, for ME. Fitting into society and not getting strange stares, no matter what I did because I wasn’t fat anymore. And for someone while I had been on a million diets, the SIX years I “enjoyed” “thin privilige” had a lot of good things to it.

But as others have blogged about, there was the bad of life after a major weight loss who’ve experienced it. The extra skin (which I didn’t have at my thinnest). The anger I had about that I had to lose weight to gain acceptance. The fact that if I saw people after my daughter was born but hadn’t seen them since my gastric bypass that my children were INVISIBLE. All people saw as that Lisa WAS FINALLY THIN. Nothing else mattered. The changes in my relationships as it made people uncomfortable even though I was pretty unassuming about having a major weight loss like that. And that I had at the time a lot of justifiable anger, that’s what I needed to do to get any respect. And if you’ve been reading my blog, since the beginning, I was a fully functional and present single mother. I worked full time. I drove a car, my kids were in activities, but how I got treated fat as a single mother of one, even though I was a single mother of TWO, when I was thin, I got treated a lot better, just based upon the fact that I was THIN. So you can only imagine all the judgments not only just about weight that I’ve subjected to my whole entire life,. While this is about what it’s like to be FAT after a major weight loss, the major loss in abilities and how devastating that is, goes beyond people’s comprehension of how heartbreaking that is to me. And I understand that my circumstances are so unusual as a whole to most.That’s why I’m trying to explain it.

This is what I am asking from society. And it’s a lot, given the circumstances of how much weight is talked about. It’s natural to make judgments on people’s weight. But it’s absolutely a crappy thing to do, is to judge someone’s character by it. Whether they are thin or fat. No matter what they did to be thin or fat. Even if they make it YOUR business, it’s not right for you to judge. No one looking at me, a total stranger, would know absolutely everything that I’ve done, my whole entire life to lose weight and maintain it. You only know that about me because I’ve specifically chosen to tell you that, to try and instill empathy in others (and truthfully, myself). Whether you are a weight loss surgery person or someone who’s lost a lot of weight  or a little weight, by any method and kept it off. Or someone who a lot or a little weight but couldn’t keep it off. Or people who choose not to let weight judgments effect them, and are in Size Acceptance/Fat Acceptance and accept their bodies as it is, it’s not your place to judge those who choose to lose weight, but they have no right to shove it down your throat, either.

And that shouldn’t be demonized, either. Intentional weight loss. The fact people do give up on weight loss attempts and accept their larger bodies as it is, if they find they don’t want to be in the vicious cycle of weight loss and weight gain (and yes, it is possible to be healthy and fat, it’s also DEFINITELY possible to lose a lot of weight and maintain it long term). And it’s not based upon as much on  physical health as people claim it to be as far as the “Obesity Crisis” as it people claim it to be, but people have a right to lose weight. They just don’t have a right to shove it down your throat on a minutely basis. It’s basically an aesthetic issue and a moral judgment that HURTS everyone(I understand the actual health and mobility issues that go into a choice of weight loss, I’m not discounting it) but I don’t see a trillion “before and afters” of people’s cholesterol and blood sugar levels post major weight loss. At the same time no one should be shamed or judged for losing weight, either. No one would know that I’ve NEVER had one traditional “comorbidity of Obesity” both past and present. I’ve had every had every psychological aspect of being a fat child and fat adult in my life. I’ve also been bullied for being thin.

****I GET ALL SIDES is ALL that I’m trying to say****

I hope it makes sense why I choose to do the activism that I do. I hope I’ve explained that how weight stigma no matter what people’s size is, HURTS EVERYBODY. I hope it makes sense why I’ll fight for body diversity acceptance and hope that we can become a society that does not judge people or makes assumptions about them no matter what weight people are. I hope that my SA/FA peeps and WLS peeps realize that aren’t as polarized in their beliefs as they think they are. All they are asking is for acceptance of their weight choices. That neither has a right to impose or judge one another based upon weight issues. There’s always that thin person making the assumption of how people get so freaking fat in the first place. And truthfully I understand why they think that, I hope though, if you pardon the horrible pun, I’ve given them “food for thought” on how toxic their judgments of fat people are.  I hope people who’ve never had to struggle with weight issues, better understand how horribly harmful (as well as inaccurate) their assumptions are on people who are fat and thin (whether they are naturally thin or they’ve been successful at their weight loss attempts).

As long as I’m able to resemble anything articulate somewhat intelligent thought, I’m always going to do the activism I do. I at this point consider myself a human rights activist. I’ll pretty much be an advocate of treating all people with respect, no matter what race, gender, sexual preference, weight and religious beliefs people ARE. That I have no patience of BULLYING of any kind on any person from child to an adult. I just don’t have a lot of tolerance for hateful bigotry. NO ONE should.  Hopefully I’ve accomplished dispelling stigma as it applies to why people can get fat after a major weight loss in this blog. And why it’s hurtful to me and everyone else of the stigma and the judgments we make on people of any weight. And that while my failure to lose weight and keep it off is not the worst thing in my life, given my circumstances and why I hope it helps others to understand, how hurtful it is to judge people based upon whatever size they are.

As I’ve said in a previous blog and it WAS profound as it applies to weight issues. “THERE IS NO WINNERS WHEN WE WAR ON ANY PERSON OF ANY SIZE FOR ANY REASON”. And you can never know people’s reasons or any of the battles they are fighting internally on the inside. So don’t make rash and unfair judgments about their exteriors, that’s all I’m trying to say? Okay????

That’s my story and I’m sticking it to it. Now, I want to hear yours……..

***Again, the same rules apply. All responses even those in vehemently in disagreement of what I say, will be posted unless they are disrespectful. Thanks****

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