It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

  I’d been working on a couple of blogs at the same time (kinda scary with my scattered thought processes and horrible writing skills) this morning and had to leave suddenly for a medical appointment this morning,.

  When I checked in, the lady at the desk said “You look familiar?”. I kind of laughed inside, because I’ve been kind of a recluse in the last 18 months. I mentioned first that I’m a blogger but made a joke that she wouldn’t know me that way, because I don’t write well.

  Then I mentioned I used to live in the city of Plymouth. She said  “That’s where I know you from !!!  Parkside. How are your kids and how are you doing ??? They were SO cute and happy!!! ” It wasn’t her intention but I felt like I was sucker punched.

   I paused and said that they were great. But they didn’t live with me anymore as a result of my medical and mental health disabilities.  And then felt the need to explain the “what, where and why” they didn’t live with me anymore (which if you want to know, feel free and read other blogs about my weight loss surgery complications and apocalyptical breakdown). 

  I had then a medical test. When talking to the lady who was administrating the test about my past medical health history, weight got brought into the conversation and the lady asked me how much weight I lost, when hearing I had had weight loss surgery.

  The fact I had weight loss surgery comes up in conversations a lot, online. Because of the nature of the activism I do. Not so much in the little “offline” life that I have. I don’t have a positive and inspiring story to share. There’s no amazing “before and after”.  Anything I accomplished was before the era of social networking, the 6 1/2 years that I kept my weight off. My gastric bypass was over 12 years ago, the reversal of my gastric bypass was over 3 1/2 years ago.

  She did the test and then we resumed talking about weight issues. I did tell her about my complications and my need for my gastric bypass to be reversed. She was surprised to hear that I’d be anything but negative regarding weight loss surgery. Which I’m not. Then I went to explain that I exist on social media both as a long term weight loss surgery peer because people do disappear when they have major regain and/ or complications people disappear from the weight loss surgery community and are left with a lack of support. Weight loss surgery does work well for people. Just not for everyone. But I support my fellow weight loss surgery peers when their experiences are optimal to catastrophic. But it would be totally unfair to the bariatric surgical community as my complications are not normal, just to talk about the bad. But I also had mentioned that I was in size acceptance, too.

    She meant well but unfortunately for her as I we were saying goodbye, she congratulated me on my weight loss.

   Now it’s highly unlikely she’s ever going to read my blog. She was well intentioned with that sentiment. But as I explained to the lady before her when I checked in (which she heard some of our conversation about my kids). So I went on to explain about the fact I’m also in size acceptance and specifically, a fat acceptance advocate. I wasn’t mean about it. That the fact that I could not raise my kids, anymore was a lot worse than being fat. That I also missed working and  having the ability to drive a car. That if I could gain that back (which I did and have lost some) and be the same size I was before my gastric bypass with the abilities I had going into it, I would.  

  What is more shocking to me, when I have to talk about regain and complications after weight loss surgery and life post apocalyptic breakdown is that my weight or weight loss surgery “journey” SUPERCEDES anything else about me. Which most things about me are unusual. Unless you know a support group for medically, mentally and cognitively complex disabled mothers who had a gastric bypass, didn’t know they had mental health issues, lost their ability to raise their kids and tried to commit suicide and then nearly died of weight loss surgery complications and  lives a small life?????

  But the point I’m trying to make is that, while I understand for my fellow weight loss surgery peers that their weight can negatively impact their health and their lives it’s not the same story for EVERY fat person. Hence why I exist in BOTH communities. There’s a lot worse things than being fat. But that’s all we seem to be able to talk about in society is fat and food. That I’m having trouble getting over as far as life digitally as well as “in real life”.

  But please don’t misunderstand me, everyone has their heartaches and struggles in life. I know this. Not everything is weight related (someone might want to mention that on the media)  We all are unique. So our are life stories. It’s just hard to feel a connection with anyone, given my unique circumstances. Most people who are disabled to the degree that I am, mentally and cognitively don’t know what they’ve lost.  

  This is the blog that I’ve wanted to write because I’ve been so depressed, lately about my kids. It’s actually something that never goes away. I’m in continual mourning for my inability to retain memories and create new memories with the cognitive damage and not to have the ability to raise my kids properly. And you have to have the former to be able to do the latter properly. PERIOD. I get that most people who are sick as I am, have to be in some kind of assisted care living situation (been there, done that, never again). I’m lucky I can have kids and that my kids are doing great. Everyone I love the most is still alive. I should be happy, right?

    My daughter is going to be 11 on Monday. While there is so many memories that are lost. That I never had the opportunity to create. That she hasn’t been living with me for OVER half her life now and she has no memory of me as anything but a “sick mommy”. That I can’t fix things for my family or make it right. That hopefully the best I can do is honor my family by sharing what happened to us, so it doesn’t happen to anyone else.   

   So there is so much more backstory. But I don’t want to knock anyone in a coma from reading this. But I’ll leave you with this. IF you are dumb enough to ask me if I’d have weight loss surgery again, I’d tell you without a doubt, NO. If you ask me though, do I regret having weight loss surgery, the answer would be NO, as well.

  But I’d also tell anyone who’d listen that I want my ability to be an active mother and be able to have control over my memory. That’s all I really have to say and is the foundation of my existence even though I can’t get that back. But I can celebrate that I have some memories of the almost 16 years I was in my children’s life full time. They were the happiest years of my life. And other people could see that we were happy, too. But what counts the most is what my kids think and remember me, of. And they do remember the happy times, not just the sad ones…And that they know I love them and they love me, too. That’s going to have to be enough.

If anything I want to impart as a blog and activist is do things that are meaningful while you can. And cherish that ability.  You may not be guaranteed  that ability, tomorrow. Even though you may live through it.

   Happy 11th Birthday, Zoe Arielle on 3-24!!!!….Mommy LOVES you and Zachary more than you’ll ever know !!!!….

     

 

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