It's not what you are eating, it's what's eating you…

How did this happen???

 How did this even happen????

(Note: Until I can edit both my site and my blogs, one very important disclaimer, nothing I say (and I’m NOT a clinically trained or credentialed medical and or mental health professional)  OR anyone says on the internet, should NEVER replace medical and mental health advice,direction and supervision from a trained clinical professional who knows you well, offline or a real life medical or mental health professional offline in an acute need for medical/ mental health issues and of course an emergency ) ***************************************************************************************************************************
How the HELL did this happen???? And what I learned both then and now and what I plan on doing, going forward….It’s been a week since I wrote my first blog on WordPress. I was pleasantly surprised of how overwhelmingly supportive people were, and if they couldn’t be supportive, for the most part they ignored it. That would be some of  my Facebook friends and peers  who were supportive and I made some new social network contacts which I’m grateful for.I did get some “hate” which I anticipated, in my private e-mail. I’m not surprised. I wish though some of those haters would’ve commented on the blog. Not because I’m trying to increase blog traffic, because my blog is so rudimentary and rough in it’s current state, that until I become more blog savvy, as well as do more self promotion, I don’t see myself getting any advertising revenue on it, anytime soon. While I hope to make a tiny bit of money from my blog, that’s not it’s primary purpose. As this blog goes forward, hopefully it will be apparent what I hope to accomplish with it.I would have though, approved the comments, that were “hateful” if they were put on WordPress. Add the fact I have cognitive disabilities and aphasia that make me the least concise person on the planet. My 1st blog literally and figuratively speaking, as well as I was, a trainwreck…And I don’t mind comments or questions both positive or painful. Not to mention there isn’t anything anyone could accuse me of doing, that I can’t help beat myself up for which I don’t love but I own it (although I do  get accused of some ridiculous crap I would never do, either). But if people learn from my horrible mistakes, but some of them just could not be prevented, in hindsight, it’s worth any type of dialogue my blogs will  hopefully will create.

As my “haters” brought up some good points, about how ego-centric my blog came off. And how that I should’ve never had children (I disagree, as most people do know me, including my kids themselves) . But my children were the purpose of WHY I wrote my blog. I wasn’t always that trainwreck that was raising my kids in a garbage can, figuratively speaking. And this one is the major reason why I plan on doing more publicly the activism, that I feel is so important that as a society we need to talk more about without stigmatization.

I did exhaust every avenue to get help for us. It should’ve never taken as long as it did for me to get Social Security Disability Insurance and the waivers I currently have, for help. That would’ve helped enormously had any of the multiple social workers and clinical workers who knew I was disengrating, pushed for an expedited hearing. Saying this hopefully to a vulnerable family will hopefully make them fight harder to get help that I couldn’t at the time, no matter how hard I tried. I have to wonder if other families disintegrated for the same reason.

   I think most people, realized my intent of my blog. While it came off mostly ego-centric, the purpose of it was that I hope to bring subjects such as suicide and hoarding into the public spotlight. As well as other mental health issues as mentioned above. Whether you agree or disagree, most of us have something. Eating disorders, chemical dependency issues, abusive relationships familial or personal,body image and self esteem issues. It also can bring up that while we think we have disorders that have no other victims, other then ourselves, sadly that’s just not true.

There is not many things we can do that hurts ourselves that we aren’t hurting others in the process. Especially the ones we love and love us. I would never ever intentionally hurt or harm my children. Or believed I was capable of hurting them. But I did end up hurting them. It was non violent. It was not intentional. But it was neglect, just the same.  Even though they knew it wasn’t normal and that I’d never purposely hurt them. My children have never been afraid of me, nor should they have been. But there are things that I cannot erase or apologize enough for, that I can’t take back of what they had to witness or live in. It was irrational. I’ve learned though and this is what I hope to help people who’ve lost loved ones to suicide or have been victims of neglect due to either mental health issues, chemical dependency, divorce, whatever, you cannot make sense of irrational acts or behavior. Big or small. What you can do though is bring awareness to them, in hopes of evaluation and treatment. Some people’s issues are too big to ever be cured or they don’t care. Those are the people who are in dire need of the biggest intervention. Those who harm others or themselves or both, but cannot see at the time, ever, what they are doing.

For most of my childhood and early adult life, I was my only victim (and I was also a victim of some severe bullying, daily from early childhood to adulthood for being fat and ugly, hence why I do  the weight loss surgery and size acceptance advocacy and this will be topics for further blogs)  when it came to self destructive things. I did have a tendency as an adult to hoard. Not as a child, at least that I could get away with. I come from a family that is almost compulsive, in being clean in every manner. My Mother is the “Martha Stewart of Minnesota”. She’s they type where while she can afford a cleaning lady, very rarely allows herself to do so, is the type to clean before the cleaning lady comes. My hoarding was NOT a learned trait. It was a component that when I go back and examine my life, I’ve always had a component where I was just “off” on something. I may have been able to raise my kids properly, keep my house clean, pay my bills, but there was always something out of place, until my nervous breakdown in 2007 and my suicide attempt in 2008. Actually earlier  as I’ve said then 2007 as I’ve said before in hindsight. I’ve had some components of mental illness my whole entire life.I DID tell people in Summer of 2008 that I was suicidal. No one did anything about it. My last blog was not written from an activist point of view, as this one is. My 1st blog  was written as a vulnerable mental health and medically ill patient and from the viewpoint of one. Things should have not just for my kids sakes, gotten so bad, but also for my own. While I hope to increase awareness with not only what can happen with lifelong bullying, painful medical issues, low self esteem and suicidal ideation. I told all my clinical professionals other then my Primary Care Physician that I was suicidal. No one believed me.       I struggled both with my last blog and with this one of having to say something both as someone who has mental health issues and did have a very serious suicide attempt in discussing the manner I chose and my mindset at the time. There has been a lot of movie stars for example lately overdosing on both prescription and street drugs and/or intentionally have committed suicide by other means. The activist in me loathes having to say the following but it does need to be said.

If you see someone struggling with life, try to show your support or if they aren’t willing to get help, get help for yourself in getting resources. Some people who are in more immediate danger, need an IMMEDIATE  intervention. For those who are though thinking of committing suicide or hurting someone else, PLEASE get help. One reason why I do this is I survived a very serious suicide attempt where my very IRRATIONAL intent was just to permanently peacefully go to sleep and never wake up. Others try or they try and succeed in committing suicide and/or homicide  in a very violent fashion to prevent from not “failing” in their attempts. Whatever the rationale is for someone who is suicidal and/or homicidal, it is true when people say it’s a very permanent solution to a temporary situation. Even with those of us who experience manic depression and it feels like we are never going to get out of it. That others are better off and we/they are better off being gone.That’s our irrational selves talking. Or when suicide/homicide is used by someone who’s in an irrational state to hurt others, in addition to themselves. One will succeed in that, if one tries hard enough. One will not however be alive to see the devastating consequences of what we or others  tried to do with the ones we love  when suicide and/or homicide  is used for any reason,whether we are in too much pain to bear or for revenge.

For those who are suffering though I  cannot stress this enough JUST GET HELP for yourself and your loved ones and there will be at the end of this blog mental health and suicide resources.  While I alluded to all the bad things that have happened in the last 10 years, some that were bad my whole entire life, there were some amazing things that happened in the last 5 years that I would’ve never got to witness, for whatever reason that is responsible for my not dying due to a serious overdose attempt, that I’m so GRATEFUL for. Even though there is a lot of bad and I am haunted by what I put my family and my kids through.

The absolute worst repercussion but I’m grateful I’m around to talk about it, is that my loved ones have to deal and suffered with the fact that I wanted to end my life. No matter how much I am going to tell them or anyone for the matter, that it’s irrational, it’s never going to make sense, that it had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my love for them, we do have people we love that we leave behind for those who do end up dying or can never truly understand why we wanted to die because you cannot rationalize irrational behavior. It makes sense to those of us when we are irrational but it doesn’t make sense to those who can’t comprehend the depths of our suffering, because we have barriers with our irrational sides. We live life as a society, though and it should be this way, that human life has value (I do struggle I admit with those who are capable of being violent)  I can try to explain my viewpoint, as far as my mental health issues or some that I’ve seen, some hopefully will understand it’s never anyone’s fault though in the end for not being able to prevent a tragedy most of the time.

Even if you miss the warning signs and are a survivor of a loved one or friend who commits suicide or is violent to another. But it does no one any good to blame those of us who have tried to commit suicide and it doesn’t help the loved ones to blame anyone either themselves or the loved ones they lose. That just feeds more hurt and unhealthy behaviors. Awareness and intervention is the key to prevention. But sadly not everyone can be saved. People need to forgive themselves for those who’ve thought about it and/or attempted, and for those who are no longer with us. Shame and guilt is never going to be an effective method of suicide prevention, but at the same time if you tried to save someone that way in desperation, in the end, it could be helpful for healing to look at suicidal ideation as major debilitating illness and tragically the illness was more then the person could bear. I liken it to an emotional cancer. People who have suicide ideation and mental health issues do not choose this, just like those who have to survive losing a loved one don’t choose that, either. But the reason why I’m putting both suicide and suicide and/or homicide or other acts of violence, is what I’m about to discuss next…

But we are living in a society that is becoming more violent and people are becoming more apathetic,

I’m thinking due to fear we as a society don’t want to face, these horrible tragedies for the most part because we are afraid of what will happen when it hits our homes, schools, workplaces and neighborhoods. But that’s not going to prevent further tragedies from happening until we become a society that becomes more comfortable in talking about what’s hurting us, that we have mechanisms in place to protect both innocent and vulnerable children and adults alike and have  resources in place to evaluate and  help people who are both vulnerable or on the flipside are showing signs that they are capable of being violent. It shouldn’t be everyday news that kids are being abused if not killed by their own parents. It shouldn’t be on the news on a regular basis that children and adults go into schools and kill people or their workplaces and are committing either homicides and/or homicide/suicides on a daily basis. THIS CAN NEVER BE OUR NORMAL or something we just have to accept. Unless it happens to you or someone you love.We cannot wait that long it’s not being paranoid at this point thinking eventually that this is going to touch everyone of us, personally. Because it already has. But it shouldn’t have to get worse. It has to get better. NOW.  This is why going forward, no one is going to be able to shut me up about this.

What I’ve learned with my unique medical complications such as from my gastric bypass surgery, bad reactions from medications that while some of my issues are unique, there are components of all of our lives, that where while all of our dysfunction can be unique, usually someone is dealing with some major issue. We need to be able to talk about that more freely as a society. It’s harming  if not destroying children, adults and families alike by not talking about things we are ashamed of or that people are just too sick to be aware of or lack the foundation to care about the consequences of their actions whether it’s intentional or not. We cannot have a chance of healing and reducing the destruction and loss of life without removing the stigma and taking action and having global initiatives in prevention, evaluation, intervention to prevent this of at all possible.

Not all my blogs are going to be this serious or serious at all. I did make a statement in the beginning though. I realized last week, based upon my limitations and disabilities, there is so much I cannot do now. I am going though to refocus my energies, now, on what I can do. I can be a great activist for the issues that I’m passionate about. I’ve spent the last 5 years in  negative energies that I realize now were necessary for how painful they are for me, because of the love I have for my children and what I lost when I lost my ability to raise them properly. I also have realized I can personally mourn what I’ve lost in personal ability. Whether it’s the loss  to be a successful small business owner like I was planning 8 years ago, my ability to be able drive a car again, to be gainfully employed.

But as painful as my last blog was, it did give birth to what’s going to be my new reality and purpose is to function as a  badass but serious advocate who hopes to help people. I also can be funny, cute and charming on occasion if you can decipher what I’m trying to say. 😉 I also will be blogging about fun things as well, whether it’s observations regarding Facebook, Pop Culture and Celebrities, to name a few……

Now I want to know what you all  think???? And please if I forgot a resource, please feel free to leave me a comment so I can link it…. Thank you……
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